Need some rest

bee06

antix80 wrote: »

First, babies and toddlers are famous for their daytime naps

They are also famous for being different. Some are great nappers, some not so much.

Anyway, my point was that sleep deprivation on maternity leave is not less (or no more) valid than sleep deprivation for someone working. It’s all f*cking sh*t. It’s totally off topic at this stage anyway so I’ll leave it there.

Bassfish

I certainly try to do my share but the wife breastfed the our new arrival at night so I wasn't much use to her so was sent packing to the spare room. Plus i snore like a hippo so tend to wake the smallie in the room. I do my share by keeping the older fella occupied when she's trying to feed, cooking dinners, tidying up, doing the shopping etc. If any of my friends with kids was carrying on like the guy in the OP I would have zero respect for him and would be tempted to tell him as much!

AulWan

antix80 wrote: »

There was a time a woman had to clean nappies, handwash clothes, iron her husband's shirts, peel spuds, and still look pretty. Probably all while looking after 4 or 5 kids because there was no contraception. Apart from Live at 3 there was no daytime tv so they just got on with it.

I wouldn't go quite that far!

When they were small my partner always did the last feed, so I'd head up to bed fairly early and try to get the maximum number of hours in before being woken.

My partner could usually tell when I was in need of an unbroken nights sleep and he would tell me to go to the spare room while he took over for a night but it wasn't anywhere near 50/50 and I wouldn't have expected that when he had to go out to work the next day. More often then not, I'd wake up anyway, if one of the kids cried.

awec

awec wrote: »

"When the mother is on maternity leave anyway".

You haven't a notion. You think maternity leave is like a holiday or a break? Sure he's at work all day while she gets to sit at home?

Thankfully your peer group is not reflective of society in general.

I very much have a notion, I never said it was easy it’s not but it’s more doable than a days work which might have a drive there and back, involve a lot of concentration and be mentally hard or physically hard. You can get a chance to have a lie down when the baby naps and you are generally not having to perform to the same level as at work when at home.

The mother would get a night or two of unbroken sleep in return also in most instances at weekends or one week night and one weekend night or whatever along with all the other help around the house etc.

The reason I said while on maternity leave is that when they both go back to work the child is most likely in its own room so wake ups aren’t as common and even if they are turns can be taken every second night getting up or whatever.

As for not being reflective of society I think you will find it’s very common, it’s not just among my friends I see it with work colleagues, neighbors family friends etc.

pwurple

^^^

Why do people do this? It is so disrespectful.

Someone with experience of both working with small kids and of maternity leave tells you which is harder... And you differ, based on no experience of the other side.

I have done both repeatedly, and know well the leave is far harder. You are in bits physically, expected to do the most important job you have ever done... keeping other helpless humans alive, with no sleep. A sleep induced mistake means a toddler wanders into traffic, or out a window.

Diminishing what women do really winds me up.

AulWan

pwurple wrote: »

^^^

Why do people do this?

Someone with experience of both working with small kids and of maternity leave tells you which is harder... And you differ, based on no experience of the other side.

I have done both repeatedly, and know well the leave is far harder. You are in bits physically, expected to do the most important job you have ever done... keeping other helpless humans alive, with no sleep. A sleep induced mistake means a toddler wanders into traffic, or out a window.

I have to be honest, I find this over-dramatic. I've done both too, and my personal experience was I could cope with a sleepless night or sleep depravation much, much better when I did not have to get up and go out to a job the next day.

Sleep depravation could mean falling asleep behind the wheel on the commute, but it shouldn't really become a competition about who is the most tired. Everyone is tired.

pwurple

Maybe it's just the recent baby and toddler deaths in the news around here has it in my mind...

So if there's no commute, or if the commute is a snooze on the train? Followed by a cuppa with colleagues and a few chats / meetings.

Yes, you're spot on, there should be no competition. Both people should get rest because it is hard going. Being disregarded when you ask for help, watching someone else sleep, watch TV, and complain about their dinner not being nice enough would be enough to drive me to separate. You did read the opening post on this thread?

I think I read some stats a few years ago about the baby and toddler phase being the primary stress recorded in separated relationships. It didn't surprise me, as we were bickering over this stuff at the time.

awec

Nathalia Miniature Viewer wrote: »

I very much have a notion, I never said it was easy it’s not but it’s more doable than a days work which might have a drive there and back, involve a lot of concentration and be mentally hard or physically hard. You can get a chance to have a lie down when the baby naps and you are generally not having to perform to the same level as at work when at home.

The mother would get a night or two of unbroken sleep in return also in most instances at weekends or one week night and one weekend night or whatever along with all the other help around the house etc.

The reason I said while on maternity leave is that when they both go back to work the child is most likely in its own room so wake ups aren’t as common and even if they are turns can be taken every second night getting up or whatever.

As for not being reflective of society I think you will find it’s very common, it’s not just among my friends I see it with work colleagues, neighbors family friends etc.

How many kids do you have?

jlm29

antix80 wrote: »

First, babies and toddlers are famous for their daytime naps

Some babies and some toddlers. But NEVER at the same time, if you have more than 1. It’s something they plan out from a very young age.

Being at home on mat leave is definitely the harder job. I’m breastfeeding, so obviously I do the night feeds, but even if feeding wasn’t an issue I’d still be doing them. My OH drives a lot for his job, usually with big machinery, and works long hours. It just wouldn’t be safe for society if he was doing that sleep deprived.

AulWan

pwurple wrote: »

Maybe it's just the recent baby and toddler deaths in the news around here has it in my mind...

So if there's no commute, or if the commute is a snooze on the train? Followed by a cuppa with colleagues and a few chats / meetings.

Yes, you're spot on, there should be no competition. Both people should get rest because it is hard going. Being disregarded when you ask for help, watching someone else sleep, watch TV, and complain about their dinner not being nice enough would be enough to drive me to separate. You did read the opening post on this thread?

I think I read some stats a few years ago about the baby and toddler phase being the primary stress recorded in separated relationships. It didn't surprise me, as we were bickering over this stuff at the time.

I did read the opening post on this thread, and was fully supportive of the OP giving her husband a major wake up call, but he is an extreme example and the thread has evolved from that.

I gave an accident on the commute as a possible example of the consequences of sleep depravation, just as you gave your wandering toddler into traffic as another example.

(I have severe OSA, and have to actively manage the condition to avoid the dangers of sleep depravation. I am fully aware of its possible consequences).

It is the dismissiveness of the others needs that causes bickering in relationships. Being disrespectful of the effects going out to work has on your partner is not going to win you any arguments.

I personally have never known a stay at home mom who sat around watching daytime TV all day, but I also have never had a job that consisted of a working day made up of snoozes, cups of tea and a few chats, and I don't know anyone that does.

shesty

Ok people, it's been a month and the OP hasn't returned.I think it's time to agree to disagree and close this thread.
OP if you want to reopen this discussion, please PM one of the mods.