Need some rest

LegacyUser

Myself and my husband have a child and we are both currently on holidays (both school teachers). It's really bothering me that he lies in bed until 1pm everyday and I'm up at 7am/8am. Our child wakes during the night at times and he snores away while I sometimes spend 2 hours with the child at 4am, like last night. Today I woke absolutely exhausted and begged for a lie in but he told me no. He said he went to bed later than me. Why does he get to stay up so late drinking and watching tv while and not ever have to get up. Is it normal for husbands not to help out? Even when he does get up eventually at 1pm, he asks for his breakfast to be made and never does anything to help me. I can't even get a nap because he'd just ignore the child and I want our child happy and occupied. Is anybody in my boat? I feel like a single mum. im worn out

shesty

No you have to put your foot down here OP. A long serious chat is needed. I'd prod him awake and root him out of the bed at 7am for starters to be honest. No way would I put up with that. If you are both off then you agree to do every other morning, or whatever suits. He doesn't have an excuse. If he has to get up a few mornings he will start thinking twice about his evening activities.

AulWan

Exhausted mother wrote: »

Today I woke absolutely exhausted and begged for a lie in but he told me no. He said he went to bed later than me. Why does he get to stay up so late drinking and watching tv while and not ever have to get up. t

I'm going to be harsh on you here, because you need a wakeup call.

He gets away with this behaviour because YOU allow him to get away with it. And as long as you continue to accept this kind of treatment he is not going to change. Why would he?

You begged him for a lie in? REALLY? When he told me no, he would have gotten a bucket of cold water over him.

Grow a backbone, and stand up for yourself. No point whinging about it, unless you are prepared to make a change.

bee06

My husband certainly doesn’t act like this. He wouldn’t have lasted long if he did. He’s the one who gets up early because I do the night waking (breastfeeding). I’m currently 9 weeks pregnant so he’s also doing most of the house work and doing his best to give me a break in the evening because I’m so sick. We both work full time.

Your husband is a selfish git to be honest.

AulWan

Oh and another thing.

Go online now, book yourself into a nice spa hotel for the weekend.

Saturday morning, get up early, pack a weekend bag, and off you go. Leave the child with him. Don't even tell him where you're going or when you will be back. Come back Monday morning.

Because HE needs a wakeup call, too.

Mech1

Tell him your heading home for the weekend, he's looking after the baby.
See how quickly he comes around to helping a bit.

NSAman

Divorce the bum.

Peatys

'Are all husband's like this?'

ffs.. No!

You've two children in your house. Stand up for yourself or nothing will ever change.

splinter65

My husband did all this too and I put up with it for peace sake. Our daughter (only child) was a nuisance to him really, getting in his way and having to be fed and dressed etc costing money he needed for himself. This continued for her entire childhood.
She’s nearly 22 now, living independently and coming home around once a month but very close to me.
She is completely disinterested in him, has more or less no relationship with him, it’s as if he doesn’t exist.

fmpisces

OP you have to nip this in the bud NOW, or it will never change. Sure why would it? You'll end up resenting your husband in the long run all for not putting your foot down. Rather than upping sticks and having a day out alone I'd wait till your calm and tell him that he needs to put in more effort, tell him exactly how you feel and try reach a compromise, whatever works for you BOTH. Whatever you do, don't let this fester.

s7ryf3925pivug

I'm a father. I've done all the nights with our 19 month old since about a year ago when a doc advised it. Did more than half before then. Am sole breadwinner too. Worn out from it, taken a break from work.

When I meet guys who have new kids who are all bright and well-rested I kinda know they're pricks. Just my PoV.

Not the norm though plenty do it. Statistically the father is more likely than the mother to get up to tend to a crying baby at night. But there are lots of dads who -never- do.

shesty

I should add...we have three and there are days I would cheerfully murder my husband, but he pulls his weight and is a very hands-on Dad.I would not put up with what you are putting up with OP.I would have cut that off sometime back in the first week of June.

Peatys

shesty wrote: »

I should add...we have three and there are days I would cheerfully murder my husband, but he pulls his weight and is a very hands-on Dad.I would not put up with what you are putting up with OP.I would have cut that off sometime back in the first week of June.

Wtf?

Moonbeam

It is a figure of speech .

Pawwed Rig

Definitely not normal in experience. A serious chat needs to be had. My kids are older now but I would not have dreamed of doing that to my wife and child.

The_Honeybadger

Absolutely not normal. You need to sit him down and discuss this with him. If you can get a babysitter some evening head out for something to eat and bring it up calmly but firmly. If you do it at home he may go on the defensive and it could turn in to a row. He has to change. He is getting away with murder.

One thing that jumped out at me immediately was that you said he stays up late drinking. Is this possibly the main issue? If he has a drinking problem that may explain a lot.

loalae

Oh my goodness OP that sounds horrible for you. I think your husband needs to be reminded that the two of you are equally important, that you deserve some f***ing respect and that really you should both get lie-ins every second day. Cheek of him!

Childcare is hard and he doesn't get out of it just because he wants a lie in and late nights.

You're going to have to be the one to say it to him though. If he is in any way reasonable he'll see your point and try to meet you half-way. If he doesn't compromise on this you may need to think long and hard about what you want from your relationship and whether you're happy for your needs to be disregarded in this way.

Sono

I am a dad myself to a 17 month old and I certainly do not stay in bed and ignore my wife or child until 1pm why would I want to? These are great times, watching them grow and teaching them new things and singing songs with them or whatever it is, that’s what parenting is about for me.

It sounds like your husband wants to be a dad by name only and not in practice, your post is very worrying I have to admit and I would be disgusted if I carried on like this let alone my other half.

A very serious conversation needs to take place here, the sooner the better.

Peatys

Moonbeam wrote: »

It is a figure of speech .

Good luck with that

Peatys

Drinking alone at night, staying in bed late, showing no interest in his child, is there a chance he is suffering with depression?

Brego888

I'm a dad to a 14 month old girl and I also stay up much later than her mother. That's just the way I'm wired. But to be honest that's my tough sh1te if I'm extra tired in the morning because of it. If anything I probably do more of the morning routine than her. We both generally share everything equally and on the rare occasion that a lie in is an option we take it in turns.
You have enabled this behaviour though and as you've seen from previous replies you need to put your foot down.

shesty

This is it really...."tough luck" is the answer to his "excuse".

Alf Veedersane

Exhausted mother wrote: »

Myself and my husband have a child and we are both currently on holidays (both school teachers). It's really bothering me that he lies in bed until 1pm everyday and I'm up at 7am/8am. Our child wakes during the night at times and he snores away while I sometimes spend 2 hours with the child at 4am, like last night. Today I woke absolutely exhausted and begged for a lie in but he told me no. He said he went to bed later than me. Why does he get to stay up so late drinking and watching tv while and not ever have to get up. Is it normal for husbands not to help out? Even when he does get up eventually at 1pm, he asks for his breakfast to be made and never does anything to help me. I can't even get a nap because he'd just ignore the child and I want our child happy and occupied. Is anybody in my boat? I feel like a single mum. im worn out

That he stays up late drinking and then stays in bed til after midday is a problem. It may be lots of things but it needs to be addressed.

Aside.from that, it's his choice to stay up late. That doesn't absolve him of his responsibilities as a parent or as a husband.

He asks for breakfast to be made? That's nonsense. He's supposed to be an adult.

That he doesn't care that you're wrecked after being up in the middle of the night is a disgrace.

His behaviour is appalling and you need to stop pandering to him and allowing this behaviour and you need to make him cop on.

killanena

My OH would cut the bullocks off me if I tried pulling that craic. It's not exactly fair in our household as she does mind our daughter more then I would as I work more but We both get 1 lie in each a week and I always bring my daughter out for a day if my OH wants a bit of peace.

We look after each other and work together. That's what being family is about.

I do have a friend though who used to take the piss, he would be in the pub most nights after work and disappeared at weekends leaving his wife to mind 2 young kids. She packed all her things one day and left without saying a word and he got such a shock from it. After a few weeks of him begging her to come back she did and they are doing much better now.

knucklehead6

Not a chance should you let him treat you and your baby like this

My partner and I have a 2 yr old and ever since day 1 our routine was I get up with him during the nights from Sunday - Wednesday nights, she has him Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.

I’m working, she’s a (mostly) stay at home mum, who does odd days here and there volunteering in the local NCBI store

In the interests of transparency I DO take a lie in on Saturdays and Sunday’s (I’m normally up at 6 for work) but my lie in is only until 10 at the latest and she goes back to bed for an hour or two.

You need to have a proper conversation with him as his behaviour is unacceptable. If someone in his job was behaving in that way I’m sure he’d be quick enough to comment about it.

pwurple

You are a single parent there OP. Of two children.

I know no-one wants to turn into the nagging wife, but you are being a complete doormat. Tell him to cop himself on. Asks for his breakfast, good grief. You would be better off kicking him out, you would get a break from the snoring and the catering demands at least. What a useless article he is.

Get angry.

Chocolate fiend

Why does he keep asking for his breakfast? I hope you are not making it for him?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks all for replies. I tried to talk to him about it but as others said, it turned to a fight... I remained calm and asked him to try understand me but he started shouting making me stupid. He said things like "you're complaining about nothing. Minding our kid is the least you should be doing." He made it like I was a ridiculous drama queen and said it's easy to wake up every morning... yet he refuses to do it for me!!! So Ye.. there's no talking to him. He then went on to moan about things looking for pity. He was complaining of being hungry and there being no food. I always do the shop and make the food. This particular day he didn't want any of what I made and was moaning that he was hungry (only told me when I brought this issue up) ... I told him he can easily go to the shop or tell me if he wanted something and I'd get it... I made his breakfast as usual and I know I'm good to him. He then said that he stays up late and sleeps in cos he wants the time to pass quicker. He said he's bored. But I always try my best to keep him entertained. If we did everything his way, we'd always be having babysitters and never doing things with our child. He has no interest in the child and doesn't try to. I feel guilty leaving the child too often as the child would just stay home watching tv then

AulWan

His reaction is ridiculous and totally typical of a complete manchild.

How has his being hungry or bored, got anything to do with your lack of sleep, or his lack of attention to his child? Exactly. Nothing.

You are meant to be his wife and equal partner, not his personal shopper, cook and means of entertainment.

So he deflected the discussion away from your issues with him to make it all about his issues with you, and succeeded in making you feel like crap all over again. That is emotional abuse. He sounds like he has narcissistic traits to me, and that is never going to end well. He wanted you to feel sorry for him, because he is bored. Tell him to play with his child and he won't find his days so long.

I'm surprised this man is a teacher. I hope its not of primary school children. You would assume such a person would have a natural interest in child development, but he shows no interest in his own child, its very strange. Any teachers I know personally are very involved parents.

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid and start thinking about what you want. Ask yourself, what are you getting from staying in a relationship with him?

Sono

How old is this man if you don’t mind me asking? Sounds like you are looking after 2 babies and I’m not joking either, it sounds harsh but your partner comes across as pathetic, stand up for yourself and your child and do not put up with this crap any longer.

thegetawaycar

OP you will need to force his hand to help, don't make him breakfast or even better when you wake up, wake him and ask him "what's for breakfast?".

He sounds like a complete ass, he doesn't even sound like a big baby he just sounds like someone that needs to be taught a lesson in life. He's bored, send him to the park with the kid, he's tired, wake him up and let him be tired until a normal time that he can go to sleep and wake earlier.

Bring the kid into the room with him and in the bed with him and just walk out and let him deal with it for a few hours. There could be part of him worried that he doesn't know what to do or how to take care of the kid if you have been doing this all the time.

Also, I don't mean to sound too harsh here but it sounds partially like you like to take care of everyone and like to feel needed, you enable the behaviour by cooking for him, buying all the food, cooking him special food if he doesn't like what you cook, taking on his responsibilities with the kid etc...

I'd suggest a hard look at yourself to see if there is something holding you back from standing up to him and treating him like an adult, confidence in yourself will allow you to view this as what it is, it's an ass taking advantage of you.

I'm pretty sure if I did anything like this my OH would rightfully drop me like a hot potato.

Chocolate fiend

There is no future for you with this man and he is no father to your child. It is easy to say to leave but honestly what point is there in staying? He sounds totally horrible.

thegetawaycar

Would anyone here feel comfortable looking after a kid if they can't even make their own breakfast in the morning?
If I wasn't expected to/able to look after myself I wouldn't trust myself looking after a child. OP needs to sort that first IMO.

NSAman

Divorce the bum...seriously. Get some backbone OP.

He sounds entitled, lazy, immature. He needs a kick into reality. He isn’t gonna change and you are enabling his immature behaviour.

Look after yourself and the baby, he is not a man in the normal definition. If I heard him do this, i’d Kick his ass for ya.

nikpmup

OP... print out this post and all the replies, leave it in an envelope for him on top of the baby bag and book yourself into a hotel for a few days r&r. When you come back, tell him (dont ask!) that things are going to be different. Write out a list of what needs to be done in the house/with the baby, split it down the middle and hand him one half. Your husband is an entitled, bullying twat. You are not his maid. Do this now, or you are not only setting yourself up for a lifetime of drudgery and abuse, you are going to teach your child that this behaviour is normal, and the pattern will repeat. My father treated my mother like this, and believe me, it's not fun to watch. They are in their 70s now and it's still happening. You cannot change his behaviour by wishing it will change, you can, however, change your response to his behaviour.

Afollower

Am I the only one who thinks this is a pisstake?

BobMc

Not normal, my lads are much older 12 & 15 when we had our first, my missus worked a rotating shift, days and nights
and as a Father you do what needs to be done, its your kid, we took turns with night time disruptions etc. and we work as a team. I did night feeds etc. and when she got home after a night shift it was me solo all day too while she slept before
heading back in again. Was it hard, course it was, but I'm a Dad its whats supposed to be done as it was our choice to have kids

I think people forget or perhaps are raised back arseways, marriage is team work, its not about having a wife to cook and mind the kids you helped conceive while you lay about boozing and sleeping in, serious talks need to be had or this wont last as a happy union.

Pawwed Rig

Boredom. I remember that feeling. It is not something I've had time for since my first was born.

Sorry for your troubles OP. Single parenting is tough and you have some important decisions to make.

AulWan

Afollower wrote: »

Am I the only one who thinks this is a pisstake?

No, unfortunately. Believe it or not, I've seen many friends and family fall into this kind of pattern, and its very destructive to relationships if not nipped in the butt immediately.

Typically what happens is baby is born and mother starts taking on all the responsibility for caring for the baby, either because she is at home more, and because its quicker and easier to do it herself. Eventually dad becomes disengaged to the extent that when he is asked to look after his own baby, he doesn't know how to and feels uncomfortable doing it.

But being the kind of lazy ass who stays up late drinking then asking for his breakfast after only crawling out of bed at midday when his wife has been up since early with the baby is not typical. If I were the op in this case his breakfast would land in his lap, right after the bucket of water that earlier went over his head.

It is possible that they can save the relationship, but only if they both realise the part they have to play here. The OP has to stand up to him and stop enabling his selfish behaviour, by demanding some respect. He has to realise he is being a selfish git and start pulling his weight and meeting her half way. If he doesn't, then I don't see any hope for them long term, unless the OP wishes to accept the role of doormat forever.

pwurple

There must be some culture clash here. Were you brought up in this country OP? This is like a story from India or an African country.

I hope most women in Ireland today would not tolerate this abuse from a man. You’re not a slave or a cook, or an entertainment unit.

Alf Veedersane

Jddid wrote: »

OP here. Thanks all for replies. I tried to talk to him about it but as others said, it turned to a fight... I remained calm and asked him to try understand me but he started shouting making me stupid. He said things like "you're complaining about nothing. Minding our kid is the least you should be doing." He made it like I was a ridiculous drama queen and said it's easy to wake up every morning... yet he refuses to do it for me!!! So Ye.. there's no talking to him. He then went on to moan about things looking for pity. He was complaining of being hungry and there being no food. I always do the shop and make the food. This particular day he didn't want any of what I made and was moaning that he was hungry (only told me when I brought this issue up) ... I told him he can easily go to the shop or tell me if he wanted something and I'd get it... I made his breakfast as usual and I know I'm good to him. He then said that he stays up late and sleeps in cos he wants the time to pass quicker. He said he's bored. But I always try my best to keep him entertained. If we did everything his way, we'd always be having babysitters and never doing things with our child. He has no interest in the child and doesn't try to. I feel guilty leaving the child too often as the child would just stay home watching tv then

- "Minding our kid is the least you should be doing". While he does the square root of fûck all
- There's no food, he's hungry. Is he familiar with the concept of going to shops and purchasing food he wants?
- He wants the time to pass quicker. Bull**** alarm is going bananas here.
- No interest in the child.


This 'man' is no father. He's not even a proper man.

I can't think of a single thing to say other than he makes life harder than being a single parent would be. If he was gone, your life would be no harder and the plus would be (a) nor having arguments and (b) not having a man-child to deal with.

His behaviour is disgraceful. I can't see him changing. Is this what you want to deal with?

I feel bad saying that. I just don't really see a positive alternative. There were a few suggestions to leave him with your child for a few days while you get away for a break but I suspect you would be uncomfortable with that, to say the least, which is fairly damning of him as a supposed parent.

juneg

If you can't trust him to mind the child through laziness or drink I don't really see much point in having him around. I suppose finances are an issue though if you're a young couple. Try not to get trapped. It's early days yet

Bassfish

pwurple wrote: »

There must be some culture clash here. Were you brought up in this country OP? This is like a story from India or an African country.

I hope most women in Ireland today would not tolerate this abuse from a man. You’re not a slave or a cook, or an entertainment unit.

Sounds to me more a like a pampered Irish lad who had his mammy doing everything for him and absolving him of all responsibility and expects the same from a wife. More common than you'd think, especially in conservative country areas!

Hithere246

Some people like the idea of being a parents, but are not willing to deal with the reality of it. I have 3 children and my ex was just like your partner. I got on with it, but the type of behaviour you're describing is part of what eroded our marriage. Unfortunately my ex has proved that he is not interested in the children and only sees them for a couple of hours every 2 months. I do question, if I had given him the boot up the behind earlier on would it have made a difference.
What he is doing is so disrespectful to you.

rgmmg

Seth Uneven Marksman wrote: »

I'm a father. I've done all the nights with our 19 month old since about a year ago when a doc advised it. Did more than half before then. Am sole breadwinner too. Worn out from it, taken a break from work.

When I meet guys who have new kids who are all bright and well-rested I kinda know they're pricks. Just my PoV.

Not the norm though plenty do it. Statistically the father is more likely than the mother to get up to tend to a crying baby at night. But there are lots of dads who -never- do.

Alternatively they have a routine that works for both parents.

Still waters

Love these spalsh and dash threads, op throws a grenade and runs off never to be heard of again, be better off closing the thread if the op isnt willing to partake instead of internet experts making up scenarios as they go along, its just a different level of trolling imo

antix80

2 supposed teachers .. one spends the day laying in bed, the other gets up at the ungodly hour of 8am (!)
I know we're meant to report suspected trolling but all i can say is, well played op.

antix80

splinter65 wrote: »

She’s nearly 22 now, living independently and coming home around once a month but very close to me.

Sounds like he did a good job!

punisher5112

Thread creater has to be a troll....

Do better next time...

Moonbeam

If you have a problem with a thread please report it rather than drag it off topic.

AulWan

I honestly think this has the ring of truth about it, as its an imbalance I have seen between couples many times.

It's think its a very hard thing to fix, and the OP may be embarrassed or struggling to make changes and doesn't want to "report back". I don't mind that.

Whether it's fake or not, the advice offered is well intended and may be helpful too others in similar situations who read the thread.

OP, I hope you're doing OK.