Need some rest

Chocolate fiend

There is no future for you with this man and he is no father to your child. It is easy to say to leave but honestly what point is there in staying? He sounds totally horrible.

thegetawaycar

Would anyone here feel comfortable looking after a kid if they can't even make their own breakfast in the morning?
If I wasn't expected to/able to look after myself I wouldn't trust myself looking after a child. OP needs to sort that first IMO.

NSAman

Divorce the bum...seriously. Get some backbone OP.

He sounds entitled, lazy, immature. He needs a kick into reality. He isn’t gonna change and you are enabling his immature behaviour.

Look after yourself and the baby, he is not a man in the normal definition. If I heard him do this, i’d Kick his ass for ya.

nikpmup

OP... print out this post and all the replies, leave it in an envelope for him on top of the baby bag and book yourself into a hotel for a few days r&r. When you come back, tell him (dont ask!) that things are going to be different. Write out a list of what needs to be done in the house/with the baby, split it down the middle and hand him one half. Your husband is an entitled, bullying twat. You are not his maid. Do this now, or you are not only setting yourself up for a lifetime of drudgery and abuse, you are going to teach your child that this behaviour is normal, and the pattern will repeat. My father treated my mother like this, and believe me, it's not fun to watch. They are in their 70s now and it's still happening. You cannot change his behaviour by wishing it will change, you can, however, change your response to his behaviour.

Afollower

Am I the only one who thinks this is a pisstake?

BobMc

Not normal, my lads are much older 12 & 15 when we had our first, my missus worked a rotating shift, days and nights
and as a Father you do what needs to be done, its your kid, we took turns with night time disruptions etc. and we work as a team. I did night feeds etc. and when she got home after a night shift it was me solo all day too while she slept before
heading back in again. Was it hard, course it was, but I'm a Dad its whats supposed to be done as it was our choice to have kids

I think people forget or perhaps are raised back arseways, marriage is team work, its not about having a wife to cook and mind the kids you helped conceive while you lay about boozing and sleeping in, serious talks need to be had or this wont last as a happy union.

Pawwed Rig

Boredom. I remember that feeling. It is not something I've had time for since my first was born.

Sorry for your troubles OP. Single parenting is tough and you have some important decisions to make.

AulWan

Afollower wrote: »

Am I the only one who thinks this is a pisstake?

No, unfortunately. Believe it or not, I've seen many friends and family fall into this kind of pattern, and its very destructive to relationships if not nipped in the butt immediately.

Typically what happens is baby is born and mother starts taking on all the responsibility for caring for the baby, either because she is at home more, and because its quicker and easier to do it herself. Eventually dad becomes disengaged to the extent that when he is asked to look after his own baby, he doesn't know how to and feels uncomfortable doing it.

But being the kind of lazy ass who stays up late drinking then asking for his breakfast after only crawling out of bed at midday when his wife has been up since early with the baby is not typical. If I were the op in this case his breakfast would land in his lap, right after the bucket of water that earlier went over his head.

It is possible that they can save the relationship, but only if they both realise the part they have to play here. The OP has to stand up to him and stop enabling his selfish behaviour, by demanding some respect. He has to realise he is being a selfish git and start pulling his weight and meeting her half way. If he doesn't, then I don't see any hope for them long term, unless the OP wishes to accept the role of doormat forever.

pwurple

There must be some culture clash here. Were you brought up in this country OP? This is like a story from India or an African country.

I hope most women in Ireland today would not tolerate this abuse from a man. You’re not a slave or a cook, or an entertainment unit.

Alf Veedersane

Jddid wrote: »

OP here. Thanks all for replies. I tried to talk to him about it but as others said, it turned to a fight... I remained calm and asked him to try understand me but he started shouting making me stupid. He said things like "you're complaining about nothing. Minding our kid is the least you should be doing." He made it like I was a ridiculous drama queen and said it's easy to wake up every morning... yet he refuses to do it for me!!! So Ye.. there's no talking to him. He then went on to moan about things looking for pity. He was complaining of being hungry and there being no food. I always do the shop and make the food. This particular day he didn't want any of what I made and was moaning that he was hungry (only told me when I brought this issue up) ... I told him he can easily go to the shop or tell me if he wanted something and I'd get it... I made his breakfast as usual and I know I'm good to him. He then said that he stays up late and sleeps in cos he wants the time to pass quicker. He said he's bored. But I always try my best to keep him entertained. If we did everything his way, we'd always be having babysitters and never doing things with our child. He has no interest in the child and doesn't try to. I feel guilty leaving the child too often as the child would just stay home watching tv then

- "Minding our kid is the least you should be doing". While he does the square root of fûck all
- There's no food, he's hungry. Is he familiar with the concept of going to shops and purchasing food he wants?
- He wants the time to pass quicker. Bull**** alarm is going bananas here.
- No interest in the child.


This 'man' is no father. He's not even a proper man.

I can't think of a single thing to say other than he makes life harder than being a single parent would be. If he was gone, your life would be no harder and the plus would be (a) nor having arguments and (b) not having a man-child to deal with.

His behaviour is disgraceful. I can't see him changing. Is this what you want to deal with?

I feel bad saying that. I just don't really see a positive alternative. There were a few suggestions to leave him with your child for a few days while you get away for a break but I suspect you would be uncomfortable with that, to say the least, which is fairly damning of him as a supposed parent.

juneg

If you can't trust him to mind the child through laziness or drink I don't really see much point in having him around. I suppose finances are an issue though if you're a young couple. Try not to get trapped. It's early days yet

Bassfish

pwurple wrote: »

There must be some culture clash here. Were you brought up in this country OP? This is like a story from India or an African country.

I hope most women in Ireland today would not tolerate this abuse from a man. You’re not a slave or a cook, or an entertainment unit.

Sounds to me more a like a pampered Irish lad who had his mammy doing everything for him and absolving him of all responsibility and expects the same from a wife. More common than you'd think, especially in conservative country areas!

Hithere246

Some people like the idea of being a parents, but are not willing to deal with the reality of it. I have 3 children and my ex was just like your partner. I got on with it, but the type of behaviour you're describing is part of what eroded our marriage. Unfortunately my ex has proved that he is not interested in the children and only sees them for a couple of hours every 2 months. I do question, if I had given him the boot up the behind earlier on would it have made a difference.
What he is doing is so disrespectful to you.

rgmmg

Seth Uneven Marksman wrote: »

I'm a father. I've done all the nights with our 19 month old since about a year ago when a doc advised it. Did more than half before then. Am sole breadwinner too. Worn out from it, taken a break from work.

When I meet guys who have new kids who are all bright and well-rested I kinda know they're pricks. Just my PoV.

Not the norm though plenty do it. Statistically the father is more likely than the mother to get up to tend to a crying baby at night. But there are lots of dads who -never- do.

Alternatively they have a routine that works for both parents.

Still waters

Love these spalsh and dash threads, op throws a grenade and runs off never to be heard of again, be better off closing the thread if the op isnt willing to partake instead of internet experts making up scenarios as they go along, its just a different level of trolling imo

antix80

2 supposed teachers .. one spends the day laying in bed, the other gets up at the ungodly hour of 8am (!)
I know we're meant to report suspected trolling but all i can say is, well played op.

antix80

splinter65 wrote: »

She’s nearly 22 now, living independently and coming home around once a month but very close to me.

Sounds like he did a good job!

punisher5112

Thread creater has to be a troll....

Do better next time...

Moonbeam

If you have a problem with a thread please report it rather than drag it off topic.

AulWan

I honestly think this has the ring of truth about it, as its an imbalance I have seen between couples many times.

It's think its a very hard thing to fix, and the OP may be embarrassed or struggling to make changes and doesn't want to "report back". I don't mind that.

Whether it's fake or not, the advice offered is well intended and may be helpful too others in similar situations who read the thread.

OP, I hope you're doing OK.

Seth Uneven Marksman

Seth Uneven Marksman wrote: »

I'm a father. I've done all the nights with our 19 month old since about a year ago when a doc advised it. Did more than half before then. Am sole breadwinner too. Worn out from it, taken a break from work.

When I meet guys who have new kids who are all bright and well-rested I kinda know they're pricks. Just my PoV.
.

Hardly fair, most men will sleep in a a different room at least some of the working week while the mother is on maternity leave. Many people need a good nights sleep to do their job properly or when they have commutes etc.

I’d find it much more unreasonable when I hear of men not getting a few proper nights sleeps per week when they are working and being expected to be up at night and do a full days work.

awec

Nathalia Miniature Viewer wrote: »

Hardly fair, most men will sleep in a a different room at least some of the working week while the mother is on maternity leave. Many people need a good nights sleep to do their job properly or when they have commutes etc.

I’d find it much more unreasonable when I hear of men not getting a few proper nights sleeps per week when they are working and being expected to be up at night and do a full days work.

Horse shit.

I think you live in some alternate reality with some of your posts.

awec

awec wrote: »

Horse shit.

I think you live in some alternate reality with some of your posts.

What’s horse sh1t?

I can tell you it is the absolute norm in my peer group for the father to sleep in a spare room for some of all of the working week (when the mother is on maternity leave anyway). It’s often a topic of discussion when we are out for pints on the one person with a young child who is wrecked always at work (and in general) as they don’t do it.

I also know a number of people who are away for work during the week many if not most weeks so they can’t help but be rested but according to some they would be “pricks”.

The op’s situation (if true) is a disgrace but it should not be compared to couples who have a system that works for them both at home and with going out to work.

awec

"When the mother is on maternity leave anyway".

You haven't a notion. You think maternity leave is like a holiday or a break? Sure he's at work all day while she gets to sit at home?

Thankfully your peer group is not reflective of society in general.

bee06

It’s a lot easier to go to work sleep deprived than stay at home with a baby all day in my experience.

antix80

bee06 wrote: »

It’s a lot easier to go to work sleep deprived than stay at home with a baby all day in my experience.

Depends on the job I'd imagine.

AulWan

bee06 wrote: »

It’s a lot easier to go to work sleep deprived than stay at home with a baby all day in my experience.

But not safer if you've either a long commute, operate machinery, or drive for a living.

This is one where I tend to agree that its more logical for the mother on maternity leave to do the bulk of night duty.

Lets be honest, if necessary they can grab a nap during the day or they can do the minimum then park on the sofa in their sweats with their hair unbrushed if truly exhausted and it doesn't matter. Leave the rest of the housework to a better day.

You can't do that if you have to show up at work and perform.

Weekends or when both parents are working, are a different story. Then its all hands on deck.

bee06

AulWan wrote: »

Lets be honest, if necessary they can spend the bulk of the day grabbing a nap where they can or park on the sofa in their sweats with their hair unbrushed if truly exhausted and it doesn't matter. Leave the housework to a better day.

That’s grand when you have a newborn but when you have an active 6 months and onwards baby or another child who wants be be entertained all the time then it is no fun when you’re being woken up every 2 hours. I was dying to go back to my office job where I drank tea that was warm and spoke to actual adults who spoke back. Obviously it depends on the job. I wouldn’t want to be operated on by a sleep deprived surgeon but at home with a baby is not the cushy number some people like to believe.

AulWan

bee06 wrote: »

That’s grand when you have a newborn but when you have an active 6 months and onwards baby who wants be be entertained all the time then it is no fun when you’re being worked every 2 hours. I was dying to go back to my office job where I drank tea that was warm and spoke to actual adults who spoke back. Obviously it depends on the job. I wouldn’t want to be operated on by a sleep deprived surgeon but at home with a baby is not the cushy number some people like to believe.

No one said its a cushy number, and I know its not. I had two myself.

antix80

bee06 wrote: »

That’s grand when you have a newborn but when you have an active 6 months and onwards baby who wants be be entertained all the time

First, babies and toddlers are famous for their daytime naps.

Second.. More fool you if your kids learn to push your buttons and treat you like a vtech. Op mentioned it in the first post where she said her husband ignores the child while she wants that the child is always (over?) stimulated. So she can't rest knowing the husband isnt constantly entertaining and playing with the child? Insanity.

There was a time a woman had to clean nappies, handwash clothes, iron her husband's shirts, peel spuds, and still look pretty. Probably all while looking after 4 or 5 kids because there was no contraception. Apart from Live at 3 there was no daytime tv so they just got on with it.