Overwhelmed bride leaving home

LegacyUser

Hoping that some people might be able to give me advice as to how to deal with feeling sad, overwhelmed and nervous about getting married. I’m obviously excited to get married but at the moment im constantly feeling overwhelmed about the situation.

I suppose my situation is unusual, I live at home with my parents as does my fiancé. We are getting married in the next 3 months and I feel so sad at having to leave everything I have known behind and start in a place I know nobody. I’m in my mid 30s and haven’t a penny saved. I never thought I would be leaving home and I’ve always spent my money on myself. Now I have to somehow pay a mortgage, food and car etc every month and I dont know where the money is going to come from for everything and still allow me enjoy the things I like I just feel hopeless even though I know I shouldn’t.

I think it’s the loneliness that will get me the most I’m used to being around nephews and nieces and other people everyday. I realise how babyish I am, how selfish I have been but I just can’t see how things are ever going to get better. I’m so sad that the day after I get married I’m gone from my room, my house my life will change so dramatically and I don’t know how I will adjust.

strandroad

Haven't you tried living with your fiance to make sure you are compatible? Can you move in together now?

It's a massive change to move in together even if you lived independently before. It might be a complete shock if you have never lived outside of your family home.

Can you mitigate it somehow?

eviltwin

What's the plan post wedding, where will you be moving to? It all reads very up in the air.

antix80

You'll no longer be a child, you'll be a woman.

It's part of growing up. Leaving your parents. moving home. Your nieces and nephews will grow up too and be more interested in friends than their aunt.

It should be an exciting time.

As for money.. household bills divided by two isn't so bad. You'll have plenty left over for treats and I'm sure your husband will help you budget

The_Honeybadger

Op your post is not clear you say you are going to have to move from your parents room to paying a mortgage and bills do you have a mortgage approved with your fiancée? Do ye have somewhere that ye can move in to once ye are married?

It sound like you are in for a serious lifestyle adjustment either way. I’d suggest jotting down all your new bills and totalling them for the week/month or whatever your pay cycle is. Leave that amount aside and the rest is your money to spend on yourself. Try to save a bit of you can as well. Most people have to budget like this and do not have the luxury of spending their wages on themselves. It might take a bit of getting used to but you will get there.

Kidchameleon

Your post is lacking details to offer more detailed advise but one thing I would say is theres always the option of not getting married.

dudara

OP, how old are you, and have you ever lived away from your parents?

bee06

antix80 wrote: »

You'll no longer be a child, you'll be a woman.

It's part of growing up. Leaving your parents. moving home. Your nieces and nephews will grow up too and be more interested in friends than their aunt.

It should be an exciting time.

As for money.. household bills divided by two isn't so bad. You'll have plenty left over for treats and I'm sure your husband will help you budget

She’s a woman already. She’s in her mid 30’s!

OP, are you saying you are getting married, getting a mortgage, moving out of your family home and moving in with your husband for the first time and moving hundreds of miles from your family all at the same time? If so, that sounds like madness to me. One of those things would be a huge stress to put on a relationship. I would say loneliness is not the thing you should be worried about.

LegacyUser

Just to clarify a few things.

Yes I have lived away from home before for college and work. I moved home about 10years ago and I have gotten used to living a certain life.

We have no house organised just yet but fiancé has a friends house to do up for free until we get sorted financially. We won’t be living together until we are married. That’s fine with me it’s not the issue for me.

Budgeting is one of my main worries, I spend every cent I earn on myself. I like luxury items and would have no hesitation spending a few hundred euro on shoes or bags. I’ve never had to save. I am not paying for wedding.

I’m not stupid, I know I have to sort myself out but the pressure at the moment is something I am not used to and I’m finding it hard to sort my head out. I cant even talk to anyone really as it’s an embarrassing topic that no one I work with could even comprehended. I am very happy to get married and to start a new life but it’s very daunting. I dont want to let anyone down either. I think my money management is a huge part of my problem.

SirChenjin

bee06 wrote: »

OP, are you saying you are getting married, getting a mortgage, moving out of your family home and moving in with your husband for the first time and moving hundreds of miles from your family all at the same time? If so, that sounds like madness to me. One of those things would be a huge stress to put on a relationship. I would say loneliness is not the thing you should be worried about.

Agreed. That's a huge undertaking if all of those things are happening at once.
Break things down a bit, is my suggestion. If you are moving a long distance from family and friends, yes, that will be a big wrench and you will need to make an effort to get to know new people, as well as keeping in touch with old friends.

Sites like askaboutmoney.com are a good place to start for advice about budgeting and spending. As you were used to spending everything on yourself, that will be a change, getting used to bills, mortgage and all of that. Everyone has to start somewhere. It won't be that bad, once you start. You will be sharing the bills, presumably, unless you are the sole earner.

You are being a bit hard on yourself, describing yourself as selfish and babyish. People take different routes. Some are happy and content living at home or near home. Some can't wait to get away. There's no right or wrong way to do things in that respect.

Remember you are marrying the person that you love and you will be able to overcome any obstacles together.

Take care.

khaldrogo

Sadbride wrote:

Budgeting is one of my main worries, I spend every cent I earn on myself. I like luxury items and would have no hesitation spending a few hundred euro on shoes or bags. I’ve never had to save. I am not paying for wedding.

God help you if you ever have kids!!!

Sittingpretty

This should be something you talk over with your fiance. You should be looking forward to your wedding and new start to your life and if you don’t mind me saying you’ve been very privileged to not be paying at home, or paying for your wedding and also getting a home
To move into for free until you sort yourselves financially. That’s a huge kick start to a marriage.

With regard to liking luxury items and spending money on yourself it’s time to put your big girl panties on and start paying your own way and being an adult.

The above poster is also correct, if you and your fiancé have any plans to have a family you’d better get used to haemorrhaging money now

splinter65

Sadbride wrote: »

Just to clarify a few things.

Yes I have lived away from home before for college and work. I moved home about 10years ago and I have gotten used to living a certain life.

We have no house organised just yet but fiancé has a friends house to do up for free until we get sorted financially. We won’t be living together until we are married. That’s fine with me it’s not the issue for me.

Budgeting is one of my main worries, I spend every cent I earn on myself. I like luxury items and would have no hesitation spending a few hundred euro on shoes or bags. I’ve never had to save. I am not paying for wedding.

I’m not stupid, I know I have to sort myself out but the pressure at the moment is something I am not used to and I’m finding it hard to sort my head out. I cant even talk to anyone really as it’s an embarrassing topic that no one I work with could even comprehended. I am very happy to get married and to start a new life but it’s very daunting. I dont want to let anyone down either. I think my money management is a huge part of my problem.

I would be very very concerned for you and your marriage going forward if you are mid thirties, getting married very soon and you have never discussed with your fiancé so far how you will manage your finances.
Are you being pressurized by someone to get married?
If you are then you can reach out for help.
If your not being pressured then why are you getting married if you are so unhappy with the idea?
Is your fiancés income enough to support you both in the comfort you enjoy now at home with no financial input from you ? No?
If you are not looking forward with excitement and love and a little bit of fear to leaving this stage of your life and moving to the next stage then I would advise that you postpone your wedding.
Being overwhelmed with sadness in advance that you will no longer be able to buy shoes and handbags and help yourself to the fridge in a nice warm home is very worrying and is not the norm for a woman of your age.
Be very very careful.

Wanderer78

Maybe some counseling would help op, best of luck

zapper55

It sounds like a very lonely place to be OP. The money issue seems like a distraction.

Have you and your fiancee done a pre-marriage course? Have you talked to him about your fears? He's the one person you should be able to talk to about this. Theres a huge amount of change in your future, but I'm not sure you had much input in it. Did you have a say in where you will be living?

Is this more than jitters about all the change? Is he the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? There is nothing that can't be stopped.

My friend cancelled her wedding and it was very difficult at the time but not a day goes by when she doesnt thank her lucky stars that she did it. It wasnt the right situation or relationship for her.

bee06

OP, you have three months before the wedding so use the time to get a hold of your spending. It’s not about denying yourself every luxury but being more mindful about your spending (assuming you have decent wages). Start now and it won’t seem like such a dramatic change when you move out.

Dial Hard

Sadbride wrote:

Budgeting is one of my main worries, I spend every cent I earn on myself. I like luxury items and would have no hesitation spending a few hundred euro on shoes or bags. I’ve never had to save. I am not paying for wedding.

I think you're being incredibly naive even considering getting married until you have had a number of sit-down discussions with your partner and, yes, lived with him. Finances are the second-biggest cause of marital breakdown and there is quite simply no way you and he can have any idea of how you will manage household budgeting and any conflict over it until you've lived together. You'd be utterly mad to go ahead with the marriage under the current circumstances, imo.

As an aside, have your parents not been charging you any rent for the past ten years???

Caranica

I really don't think you're ready for this.

You worry about paying a mortgage but you have no history of saving so a mortgage is a long way away.

You haven't lived with your fiancé. Even my grandmother used to say "if you want to know me, come live with me" and past experience has shown how right she was. Loving someone and being able to live with them are two very different things.

On top of all of this you're moving away from your support network.

This is a recipe for disaster. OP if this is genuinely your situation you need to take a long hard look at it and see if you are actually strong enough for all of these changes. If not, postpone or cancel the wedding.

Dial Hard

Caranica wrote:

This is a recipe for disaster. OP if this is genuinely your situation you need to take a long hard look at it and see if you are actually strong enough for all of these changes. If not, postpone or cancel the wedding.

And move out of your parents' house. You need to learn how to be a fully-functioning, independent adult.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

I think you're being incredibly naive even considering getting married until you have had a number of sit-down discussions with your partner and, yes, lived with him. Finances are the second-biggest cause of marital breakdown and there is quite simply no way you and he can have any idea of how you will manage household budgeting and any conflict over it until you've lived together. You'd be utterly mad to go ahead with the marriage under the current circumstances, imo.

As an aside, have your parents not been charging you any rent for the past ten years???

No haven’t been paying rent. I’ve covered my own personal bill alright. I work in the family business at sometimes weekends and in the evenings so I suppose that’s been instead of rent.

Living together isn’t possible at the minute anyways as the house isn’t habitable yet. It’s in the process of being renovated. Fiancé is very aware of a big spender and yes we have discussed our financial situation. He has a variable income whereas mine is the more stable hence I do feel under pressure there.

I knew posting this would be I vote some negative, laughing at me type responses which is why I can’t discuss this issue with friends - I know how ridiculous I am. Thank you to everyone who has been positive yes I’m very much in love with my fiancé and I am looking forward to being with him. It’s just the thought of being alone while he is working in the weekends in the evenings etc and me being on my own with nothing to look forward to gets me down sometimes.

I’m not normal, I live for free at home, haven’t saved much in 10years (less than €3000) and I’ve enjoyed it. Leaving it all behind it just a bit depressing and I have no one to talk to about it. Fiancé has told me it’ll be fine.

OP it's hard to admit when you're overwhelmed, and it's brave that you've come on here and explained your circumstances. It'd be even better if you could find a way to talk to your fiance about this. Give him a chance to give you the support you need.

Anyone in your position would feel the way you're feeling - you've a lot on your plate. Things will be tough once you're moved out and married, but you're well able for it. You haven't gotten this far by accident.

And it's hardly like you're cutting all ties with your parents. You can always go visit and stay for a few days as needed. Don't be afraid to use their place as a sanctuary/outlet.

As for money, the bank would not have approved you for a mortgage if you weren't able to afford it. So the money IS there, you just need to make sure you don't spend more than your mortgage allows. Your spending has naturally increased as your salary increased - we all tend to spend more as we start to make more. All you need to do is readjust how much you feel you're making.

If you guys are opening a joint account for the mortgage, just make sure your money goes in there immediately when your payroll comes in. Then the balance of your mortgage payment simply wont be in your current account for spending. Alternatively you could open a revolut or other new account for spending and transfer your disposable income in there on a monthly basis. You can still buy nice things, but how often will be dictated by the balance in your 'spending' account.

bee06

true-or-false wrote: »

As for money, the bank would not have approved you for a mortgage if you weren't able to afford it. So the money IS there, you just need to make sure you don't spend more than your mortgage allows. Your spending has naturally increased as your salary increased - we all tend to spend more as we start to make more. All you need to do is readjust how much you feel you're making.

I doubt they have a mortgage approved ... no savings, no rent paid and fiancé is on a variable income which means self employed or contractor I’m guessing. They are moving into a friends house rent free to do it up after the wedding.

Dial Hard

Sadbride wrote:

I’m not normal, I live for free at home, haven’t saved much in 10years (less than €3000) and I’ve enjoyed it. Leaving it all behind it just a bit depressing and I have no one to talk to about it. Fiancé has told me it’ll be fine.

Ok, OP, at the risk of sounding a bit harsh, you've been living in cloud cuckoo land for the past ten years but at least you seem somewhat aware of this. My fear is that you actually have no idea of how to live as an adult and you are running full-tilt into the great unknown.

You say you'll be moving into friend's house for a while after the wedding. Great. But how long is "a while" and what happens after that??? No bank in the country is going to approve you for a mortgage with no savings, no rental history as proof of an ability to pay fixed amounts and one party on a variable income. So what's the plan? Where do you live once the friend wants their house back?

My other concern is that you don't seem to have ever shown any inclination to live outside your family home. You even say in your OP that if you weren't getting married, you'd never move out. Why? There are various reasons people find themselves back at home as adults but they're usually short-term and down to circumstance, not choice. The natural order of things is to move out and be independent in early adulthood, but you have chosen not to do this - why is that? You don't need to answer that question here but it's something I think you do need to be honest with yourself about.

zapper55

If it's so far away that you cant visit friends and family I think a compromised needs to be reached. It's all well and good him saying it'll be fine. He wont be the one isolated.

I think you need to sit him down again and say no its wont be fine, I want us to discuss it. You need to be happy where you are moving to, too.

Am I right in saying you will live in a house that needs doing up, that your fiancee will do, in order to live rent free? That's madness, you'd be much better renting somewhere and both have more time for each other or for overtime etc. Living in a house that you are refurbishing is hellish.

It seems to be all on his terms, I think you need to have a frank conversation with him and not be swayed by meaninglessness platitudes that it'll be fine. Unless you have a concrete plan there's no guarantee of that.

dellas1979

Sadbride wrote: »

I know how ridiculous I am.

I dont think youre ridiculous at all. It is pretty smart to recognise something that is making you unhappy and addressing it.

Lets look at the positives:
You lived at home for years, and clearly get on with your parents well.
You are going to marry the man you love.
You dont seem to have debts (wedding is being paid for)
You are in full time employment

That is a great situation to be in.

The money situation, yes, that needs to be worked on. There are many ways to be clever with your money, and still have a nice life style. It just takes some control. I love saving (and still enjoy a nice lifestyle).

For example, if say your combined earnings is 4k per month:
e750-e1000 goes on rent.
e1000 goes on savings for a house/deposit.
e200 on a rainy day fund (car breaks down/doctor bill etc)
e200 holiday fund

The rest is on food and recreation.

I am curious (per month) what luxury items youre talking about? And what is making you buy hundreds of euro worth of shoes per month? i.e., is it out of boredom? Do you like your own company? Am not sure from your posts if you are moving to a new county and dont know anyone, or if youre still in the same area and dread an emptier house?

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ok, OP, at the risk of sounding a bit harsh, you've been living in cloud cuckoo land for the past ten years but at least you seem somewhat aware of this. My fear is that you actually have no idea of how to live as an adult and you are running full-tilt into the great unknown.

You say you'll be moving into friend's house for a while after the wedding. Great. But how long is "a while" and what happens after that??? No bank in the country is going to approve you for a mortgage with no savings, no rental history as proof of an ability to pay fixed amounts and one party on a variable income. So what's the plan? Where do you live once the friend wants their house back?

My other concern is that you don't seem to have ever shown any inclination to live outside your family home. You even say in your OP that if you weren't getting married, you'd never move out. Why? There are various reasons people find themselves back at home as adults but they're usually short-term and down to circumstance, not choice. The natural order of things is to move out and be independent in early adulthood, but you have chosen not to do this - why is that? You don't need to answer that question here but it's something I think you do need to be honest with yourself about.

Thanks for the lecture. I moved home with the intention of inheriting the house. Now that I will be gone it will be left to other siblings as they will be closer. They already have been gifted a home each however this can’t and won’t be sold. Therefore I never had a need to consider getting mortgage approval before.

Now I’m faced with that I know it won’t be immediate. We plan or saving for a year or two, I will receive some payment from parents towards house. I wouldn’t say I am not independent but I have gotten stuck in a routine with habits I am finding hard to break. I know plenty of people including family who did not live with their partners before marrying.

Thanks to everyone who has offered me positive, constructive advice. I need to find a way to break my bad habits and I suppose a trip to the bank is well overdue at this stage to start saving much more than I currently do.

On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont think youre ridiculous at all. It is pretty smart to recognise something that is making you unhappy and addressing it.

Lets look at the positives:
You lived at home for years, and clearly get on with your parents well.
You are going to marry the man you love.
You dont seem to have debts (wedding is being paid for)
You are in full time employment

That is a great situation to be in.

The money situation, yes, that needs to be worked on. There are many ways to be clever with your money, and still have a nice life style. It just takes some control. I love saving (and still enjoy a nice lifestyle).

For example, if say your combined earnings is 4k per month:
e750-e1000 goes on rent.
e1000 goes on savings for a house/deposit.
e200 on a rainy day fund (car breaks down/doctor bill etc)
e200 holiday fund

The rest is on food and recreation.

I am curious (per month) what luxury items youre talking about? And what is making you buy hundreds of euro worth of shoes per month? i.e., is it out of boredom? Do you like your own company? Am not sure from your posts if you are moving to a new county and dont know anyone, or if youre still in the same area and dread an emptier house?

Thank you so much for being positive about this it really helps. Your right, I know I can save it’s just I’ve never had to so it’s all about breaking bad habits.

We make a good team my fiancée and I, and we will make it work - sometimes I find it hard to see the positive side of such upheaval.

Over the years style and looking fashionable has become a hobby of mine. I don’t buy cheap I buy high end. I love clothes etc so it’s not really out of boredom it’s just been a lifestyle choice. Totally gets me down - and I know that mentality is v self centred - that if I want a future with my fiancée well this aspect will be no more. I make around €1800 a month so it won’t be very possible.

ILoveYourVibes

Sadbride wrote: »

Hoping that some people might be able to give me advice as to how to deal with feeling sad, overwhelmed and nervous about getting married. I’m obviously excited to get married but at the moment im constantly feeling overwhelmed about the situation.

I suppose my situation is unusual, I live at home with my parents as does my fiancé. We are getting married in the next 3 months and I feel so sad at having to leave everything I have known behind and start in a place I know nobody. I’m in my mid 30s and haven’t a penny saved. I never thought I would be leaving home and I’ve always spent my money on myself. Now I have to somehow pay a mortgage, food and car etc every month and I dont know where the money is going to come from for everything and still allow me enjoy the things I like I just feel hopeless even though I know I shouldn’t.

I think it’s the loneliness that will get me the most I’m used to being around nephews and nieces and other people everyday. I realise how babyish I am, how selfish I have been but I just can’t see how things are ever going to get better. I’m so sad that the day after I get married I’m gone from my room, my house my life will change so dramatically and I don’t know how I will adjust.

You aren't babyish. Your family can still visit and stay over etc.

eviltwin

OP does your fiance know about your money issues and spending habits?

Does he know how you are feeling about moving away?

Have you spoken to him about any of your fears?

strandroad

Sadbride wrote: »

On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down.

OP you really have a lot on your plate and almost all aspects of your life and future you mention can be classified as quite unusual and potentially highly stressful. Now you're adding an issue with your family to the mix too. I personally would go nuts with only a half of what you're describing happening!

Would you consider starting couples counselling with your fiance? It's not just for couples in conflict as you probably know, it's also really good to hash out expectations and talk through difficulties when you are expecting a major life change. You will be better prepared and you'll be able to approach your wedding day with a much improved mindset.

Dial Hard

Sadbride wrote:

I moved home with the intention of inheriting the house. Now that I will be gone it will be left to other siblings as they will be closer.

Sadbride wrote:

On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down.

Ok, OP, there's clearly more going on here than just jitters about moving on/getting married.

I'm not sure whether you're being "disinherited" (for want of a better word) because you're getting married and moving out, or if the latter is a function of the former, but there's obviously some familial tension going on and it's understandably colouring your feelings about what should be a very happy time for you and your partner.

Either way, I think some couples counselling would be a very sound investment for you both. Not only are you dealing with whatever is going on at home, you're taking a step into adulthood that's going to be a massive culture shock too. That's a lot to try and deal with without some outside help.

dellas1979

Sadbride wrote: »

it’s all about breaking bad habits.

Tell me about it.

Saving is something you absolutely can do.

Moving out of your home house (and the tangled web that comes with it/family issues) of course you are going to be sad. It is perfectly normal. You need to allow yourself to feel sad, be ok with it, acknowledge youre sad, have a cry, and then get up and look to your future. And be excited about saving for your future.

Do not be ashamed to be sad moving out of the family home (no matter what age you are or people's opinions that its babyish).

dellas1979

With regards the issue with your home house (I can see someone quoted you, but I cant find where you wrote what the issue is), if your siblings get the house, youve also said your parents will contribute towards a house for you and your partner?

AndrewJRenko

Sadbride wrote: »

Over the years style and looking fashionable has become a hobby of mine. I don’t buy cheap I buy high end. I love clothes etc so it’s not really out of boredom it’s just been a lifestyle choice. Totally gets me down - and I know that mentality is v self centred - that if I want a future with my fiancée well this aspect will be no more. I make around €1800 a month so it won’t be very possible.

It honestly sounds like this is biggest issue for you. You have to decide if you're ready to put this kind of wasteful spending aside for a decade or two, or maybe forever to prioritise your home and family.

Or would you prefer to be that single 40-something with great shoes and handbags, living with her ageing parents, taking more and more responsibility for their care.

It's your call.

ILoveYourVibes

You speak of a lot of technical things.

Facts.

But in reality what is bothering you is your feelings.


You are going through a big change and during any big change things get or can get overwhelming.

Keep a journal. It might help.

And remember ....a jittery bride is NORMAL. All the prettiest brides are jittery

IT WILL BE FINE.

black_and_blue

This isn't the 1950s anymore. It's perfectly acceptable to live with your partner before getting married. Thats what I'd be focusing on before signing my life away. Do up the house, move in and take your time. You could find out that you aren't compatible for living with each other.

molly09

op congrats on your marriage , it must be a very exciting and overwhelming time .

‘On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down’

This is probably stressing you out a lot more than you think and it seems that you are moving quiet a bit away from your parents, I can totally see how all that combined with your money worries is causing you a lot of anxiety. It’s all very valid concerns and I had a friend in A very similar situation a couple of years ago, she is very happily married and got through the early days with the support of her husband. As you will!!


It great that you are also to talk to your husband to be about all this . Would you think talking to a counselor would help? Is there any family member you could talk to, sister? Cousin? Mother ?

LegacyUser

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

It honestly sounds like this is biggest issue for you. You have to decide if you're ready to put this kind of wasteful spending aside for a decade or two, or maybe forever to prioritise your home and family.

Or would you prefer to be that single 40-something with great shoes and handbags, living with her ageing parents, taking more and more responsibility for their care.

It's your call.

Nothing wrong imo in caring for ones parents as they get older, I certainly wouldn’t hesitate and I know my prayers would be delighted. Also the added bonus of free childcare and living mortgage free would be extremely beneficial. Unfortunately due to my fiancé’s work situation he cannot move into my home place.

I know this mentality is considered old fashioned nowadays but it would and does, suit some people.

LegacyUser

black_and_blue wrote: »

This isn't the 1950s anymore. It's perfectly acceptable to live with your partner before getting married. Thats what I'd be focusing on before signing my life away. Do up the house, move in and take your time. You could find out that you aren't compatible for living with each other.

Each to their own, it’s not possible for us due to my work situation to live together before marriage. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s just not practical.

black_and_blue

Sadbride wrote: »

Each to their own, it’s not possible for us due to my work situation to live together before marriage. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s just not practical.

How will your work situation change after marriage if it's not practical to live together beforehand? Or are you giving up work to let your husband take care of you along with a wedding that you're not paying and a free house.

black_and_blue

Try be independent instead of living on your parents and then onto a husband.

SteM

Sadbride wrote: »

Thanks for the lecture. I moved home with the intention of inheriting the house. Now that I will be gone it will be left to other siblings as they will be closer. They already have been gifted a home each however this can’t and won’t be sold. Therefore I never had a need to consider getting mortgage approval before.

Now I’m faced with that I know it won’t be immediate. We plan or saving for a year or two, I will receive some payment from parents towards house. I wouldn’t say I am not independent but I have gotten stuck in a routine with habits I am finding hard to break. I know plenty of people including family who did not live with their partners before marrying.

Thanks to everyone who has offered me positive, constructive advice. I need to find a way to break my bad habits and I suppose a trip to the bank is well overdue at this stage to start saving much more than I currently do.

On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down.

Moving home at the age of 25 with the intention of inheriting the house? You've never had to mature but you'll have to now I'm afraid. You and your future husband are in for a tough couple years while you adjust to your new lifestyle, I wish you both the best of luck.

black_and_blue

Sadbride wrote: »

Nothing wrong imo in caring for ones parents as they get older, I certainly wouldn’t hesitate and I know my prayers would be delighted. Also the added bonus of free childcare and living mortgage free would be extremely beneficial. Unfortunately due to my fiancé’s work situation he cannot move into my home place.

I know this mentality is considered old fashioned nowadays but it would and does, suit some people.

You need to change your old fashioned thoughts. If you're caring for ageing parents, I doubt they will be able to look after kids. So that's something else you will have to pay for.

You had no outgoings for years and splashed every penny you earned on yourself without a thought for the future, hoping to inherit a house.

Hard to empathize here.

It sounds like it’s finally time for you to join the real world

Daisies

OP you have been living in some type of alternative reality and now the thoughts of living in a real world seems to be upsetting you. You've had 10 years of no rent and yet have managed to save only 3k? I know you say you were hoping to inherit but did you never think of making renovations, saving for unexpected issues etc?

I think getting married, moving and the stress of the massive change in financial situation is too much. I know it sounds crazy but I would postpone the wedding, move in with your fiance, and start living like adults in a real world before getting married. You say it's not possible due to work situations but what's changing post marriage that cannot change now and give you guys an opportunity to sort some of these things out?

Corruptedmorals

I think counselling is a great idea, you have so much going on at once as others have said. I think it would also be really beneficial to talk to a financial adviser or a mortgage adviser in a bank. They can assess where you stand and what is a sensible approach re: saving.

I live at home, we have bought a house and are waiting to move. We have never been able to afford to rent and save so we chose to save and thankfully had that option. We save differently, I track my account during the month and throw in amounts as well as the direct debit while my partner builds up his account and then transfers a large chunk to savings a few times a year so there are different ways of doing it and different types of savings accounts. 3 years ofsaving got us a 20% deposit. Cutting massively down on discretionary spending IS hard but honestly it is so rewarding to see the savings accounts go up and hear from an early stage that we are on the right track. I never bought high end but I would buy a lot of high street, budget fashion and stuff from Boots etc. I genuinely don't miss it. The banks don't care if you haven't rented before IF you can prove that you save more than what a mortgage payment would be.

LegacyUser

black_and_blue wrote: »

You need to change your old fashioned thoughts. If you're caring for ageing parents, I doubt they will be able to look after kids. So that's something else you will have to pay for.

No I won’t be caring for them now that I am gone that job will go to a sibling. Also they aren’t so old that they couldn’t mind children. Anyways We have no children, I don’t intend to worry about that unless we plan on having them and as of yet we are undecided.

I’m looking for ways to how best deal with the situation rather than focusing on the past. I can’t exactly change any of it.

Thanks to all those who offered positive ways to approach the situation. My family are v difficult to speak to but my fiancé know everything about how I feel and is confident I can deal with it so I suppose that counts for something.

I am anxious and worried but I have no regrets about getting engaged, considering some people’s comments here it’s prob more about the change and the family situation that has me up in a heap.

I am confident though I can improve my bad habits.

LegacyUser

Corruptedmorals wrote: »

I think counselling is a great idea, you have so much going on at once as others have said. I think it would also be really beneficial to talk to a financial adviser or a mortgage adviser in a bank. They can assess where you stand and what is a sensible approach re: saving.

I live at home, we have bought a house and are waiting to move. We have never been able to afford to rent and save so we chose to save and thankfully had that option. We save differently, I track my account during the month and throw in amounts as well as the direct debit while my partner builds up his account and then transfers a large chunk to savings a few times a year so there are different ways of doing it and different types of savings accounts. 3 years ofsaving got us a 20% deposit. Cutting massively down on discretionary spending IS hard but honestly it is so rewarding to see the savings accounts go up and hear from an early stage that we are on the right track. I never bought high end but I would buy a lot of high street, budget fashion and stuff from Boots etc. I genuinely don't miss it. The banks don't care if you haven't rented before IF you can prove that you save more than what a mortgage payment would be.

Thank you this is exactly the glimmer of hope and advice that I need. Great idea to visit mortgage advisor I will definitely look into it and get the ball rolling.

I have been saving, just not a lot so will increase this for my next pay check. I suppose I might as well save as much as I can while I am still at home and I can.
Thanks again for the constructive advice.

LegacyUser

I feel there's a huge amount of backstory here that the OP is only sharing bits of so of course they are getting negative replies. OP you state you work for the family business so are you leaving your job when you move so far away with your OH? There appears to be a lot of family drama here - you state that you will have no claim on the family home as that appears to be based on geography - nearest sibling gets it - surely the house will be divided among all the siblings? You state your siblings got given houses so are your parents enabling all this dependence on them? Your not paying for the wedding - who is? Is your family religious, is that why you can't live with your OH before marriage? It appears to be a much bigger life change than it needs to be, yes it's a big new chapter in your life but I'm not sure if your being overly dramatic about having to move away from nephews and nieces etc etc or if there's some bigger family drama at play that is forcing this.

Redser87

OP I really feel for you, there is clearly more beneath the surface that you are under no obligation to share on a public forum. On the practical side of things, I would advise small incremental changes in how you spend your money. Make one small change a week - decide not to buy takeaway coffee one week, the next week buy own brand groceries only, etc... and put your savings into online savings so you can see it building up. Also consider ways to save on extra wedding costs - the candy cart, favours etc are expensive and unnecessary IMO. On the emotional side, try to get away from how a bride SHOULD feel or behave. You are still a human being with feelings and experiences, and beating yourself up about not experiencing the "correct" emotions will only put you under more pressure.

PressRun

Who is paying for the wedding? Why do you have to move so far away? Why haven't you lived with your fiance up to now?

It sounds like a lot of these things are happening TO you, rather than you being an active agent in any of it. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when a lot of things are happening and you don't feel like you can control any of it or stop it. Do you even want to get married?