Overwhelmed bride leaving home

dellas1979 · 28-07-2019 04:24PM

Sadbride wrote: »

it’s all about breaking bad habits.

Tell me about it.

Saving is something you absolutely can do.

Moving out of your home house (and the tangled web that comes with it/family issues) of course you are going to be sad. It is perfectly normal. You need to allow yourself to feel sad, be ok with it, acknowledge youre sad, have a cry, and then get up and look to your future. And be excited about saving for your future.

Do not be ashamed to be sad moving out of the family home (no matter what age you are or people's opinions that its babyish).

dellas1979 · 28-07-2019 04:32PM

With regards the issue with your home house (I can see someone quoted you, but I cant find where you wrote what the issue is), if your siblings get the house, youve also said your parents will contribute towards a house for you and your partner?

AndrewJRenko · 28-07-2019 04:44PM

Sadbride wrote: »

Over the years style and looking fashionable has become a hobby of mine. I don’t buy cheap I buy high end. I love clothes etc so it’s not really out of boredom it’s just been a lifestyle choice. Totally gets me down - and I know that mentality is v self centred - that if I want a future with my fiancée well this aspect will be no more. I make around €1800 a month so it won’t be very possible.

It honestly sounds like this is biggest issue for you. You have to decide if you're ready to put this kind of wasteful spending aside for a decade or two, or maybe forever to prioritise your home and family.

Or would you prefer to be that single 40-something with great shoes and handbags, living with her ageing parents, taking more and more responsibility for their care.

It's your call.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-07-2019 05:14PM

You speak of a lot of technical things.

Facts.

But in reality what is bothering you is your feelings.

You are going through a big change and during any big change things get or can get overwhelming.

Keep a journal. It might help.

And remember ....a jittery bride is NORMAL. All the prettiest brides are jittery

IT WILL BE FINE.

black_and_blue · 28-07-2019 05:57PM

This isn't the 1950s anymore. It's perfectly acceptable to live with your partner before getting married. Thats what I'd be focusing on before signing my life away. Do up the house, move in and take your time. You could find out that you aren't compatible for living with each other.

molly09 · 28-07-2019 06:09PM

op congrats on your marriage , it must be a very exciting and overwhelming time .

‘On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down’

This is probably stressing you out a lot more than you think and it seems that you are moving quiet a bit away from your parents, I can totally see how all that combined with your money worries is causing you a lot of anxiety. It’s all very valid concerns and I had a friend in A very similar situation a couple of years ago, she is very happily married and got through the early days with the support of her husband. As you will!!

It great that you are also to talk to your husband to be about all this . Would you think talking to a counselor would help? Is there any family member you could talk to, sister? Cousin? Mother ?

LegacyUser · 28-07-2019 06:28PM

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

It honestly sounds like this is biggest issue for you. You have to decide if you're ready to put this kind of wasteful spending aside for a decade or two, or maybe forever to prioritise your home and family.

Or would you prefer to be that single 40-something with great shoes and handbags, living with her ageing parents, taking more and more responsibility for their care.

It's your call.

Nothing wrong imo in caring for ones parents as they get older, I certainly wouldn’t hesitate and I know my prayers would be delighted. Also the added bonus of free childcare and living mortgage free would be extremely beneficial. Unfortunately due to my fiancé’s work situation he cannot move into my home place.

I know this mentality is considered old fashioned nowadays but it would and does, suit some people.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2019 06:31PM

black_and_blue wrote: »

This isn't the 1950s anymore. It's perfectly acceptable to live with your partner before getting married. Thats what I'd be focusing on before signing my life away. Do up the house, move in and take your time. You could find out that you aren't compatible for living with each other.

Each to their own, it’s not possible for us due to my work situation to live together before marriage. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s just not practical.

black_and_blue · 28-07-2019 07:47PM

Sadbride wrote: »

Each to their own, it’s not possible for us due to my work situation to live together before marriage. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s just not practical.

How will your work situation change after marriage if it's not practical to live together beforehand? Or are you giving up work to let your husband take care of you along with a wedding that you're not paying and a free house.

black_and_blue · 28-07-2019 07:53PM

Try be independent instead of living on your parents and then onto a husband.

SteM · 28-07-2019 08:11PM

Sadbride wrote: »

Thanks for the lecture. I moved home with the intention of inheriting the house. Now that I will be gone it will be left to other siblings as they will be closer. They already have been gifted a home each however this can’t and won’t be sold. Therefore I never had a need to consider getting mortgage approval before.

Now I’m faced with that I know it won’t be immediate. We plan or saving for a year or two, I will receive some payment from parents towards house. I wouldn’t say I am not independent but I have gotten stuck in a routine with habits I am finding hard to break. I know plenty of people including family who did not live with their partners before marrying.

Thanks to everyone who has offered me positive, constructive advice. I need to find a way to break my bad habits and I suppose a trip to the bank is well overdue at this stage to start saving much more than I currently do.

On a side note I am disappointed to leave a beautiful house I love so much, which in years to come I won’t be welcome to return to for reasons I can’t get into. This breaks my heart and really gets me down.

Moving home at the age of 25 with the intention of inheriting the house? You've never had to mature but you'll have to now I'm afraid. You and your future husband are in for a tough couple years while you adjust to your new lifestyle, I wish you both the best of luck.

black_and_blue · 28-07-2019 08:11PM

Sadbride wrote: »

Nothing wrong imo in caring for ones parents as they get older, I certainly wouldn’t hesitate and I know my prayers would be delighted. Also the added bonus of free childcare and living mortgage free would be extremely beneficial. Unfortunately due to my fiancé’s work situation he cannot move into my home place.

I know this mentality is considered old fashioned nowadays but it would and does, suit some people.

You need to change your old fashioned thoughts. If you're caring for ageing parents, I doubt they will be able to look after kids. So that's something else you will have to pay for.

28-07-2019 08:33PM

You had no outgoings for years and splashed every penny you earned on yourself without a thought for the future, hoping to inherit a house.

Hard to empathize here.

It sounds like it’s finally time for you to join the real world

Daisies · 28-07-2019 09:01PM

OP you have been living in some type of alternative reality and now the thoughts of living in a real world seems to be upsetting you. You've had 10 years of no rent and yet have managed to save only 3k? I know you say you were hoping to inherit but did you never think of making renovations, saving for unexpected issues etc?

I think getting married, moving and the stress of the massive change in financial situation is too much. I know it sounds crazy but I would postpone the wedding, move in with your fiance, and start living like adults in a real world before getting married. You say it's not possible due to work situations but what's changing post marriage that cannot change now and give you guys an opportunity to sort some of these things out?

Corruptedmorals · 28-07-2019 09:51PM

I think counselling is a great idea, you have so much going on at once as others have said. I think it would also be really beneficial to talk to a financial adviser or a mortgage adviser in a bank. They can assess where you stand and what is a sensible approach re: saving.

I live at home, we have bought a house and are waiting to move. We have never been able to afford to rent and save so we chose to save and thankfully had that option. We save differently, I track my account during the month and throw in amounts as well as the direct debit while my partner builds up his account and then transfers a large chunk to savings a few times a year so there are different ways of doing it and different types of savings accounts. 3 years ofsaving got us a 20% deposit. Cutting massively down on discretionary spending IS hard but honestly it is so rewarding to see the savings accounts go up and hear from an early stage that we are on the right track. I never bought high end but I would buy a lot of high street, budget fashion and stuff from Boots etc. I genuinely don't miss it. The banks don't care if you haven't rented before IF you can prove that you save more than what a mortgage payment would be.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2019 10:00PM

black_and_blue wrote: »

You need to change your old fashioned thoughts. If you're caring for ageing parents, I doubt they will be able to look after kids. So that's something else you will have to pay for.

No I won’t be caring for them now that I am gone that job will go to a sibling. Also they aren’t so old that they couldn’t mind children. Anyways We have no children, I don’t intend to worry about that unless we plan on having them and as of yet we are undecided.

I’m looking for ways to how best deal with the situation rather than focusing on the past. I can’t exactly change any of it.

Thanks to all those who offered positive ways to approach the situation. My family are v difficult to speak to but my fiancé know everything about how I feel and is confident I can deal with it so I suppose that counts for something.

I am anxious and worried but I have no regrets about getting engaged, considering some people’s comments here it’s prob more about the change and the family situation that has me up in a heap.

I am confident though I can improve my bad habits.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2019 10:04PM

Corruptedmorals wrote: »

I think counselling is a great idea, you have so much going on at once as others have said. I think it would also be really beneficial to talk to a financial adviser or a mortgage adviser in a bank. They can assess where you stand and what is a sensible approach re: saving.

I live at home, we have bought a house and are waiting to move. We have never been able to afford to rent and save so we chose to save and thankfully had that option. We save differently, I track my account during the month and throw in amounts as well as the direct debit while my partner builds up his account and then transfers a large chunk to savings a few times a year so there are different ways of doing it and different types of savings accounts. 3 years ofsaving got us a 20% deposit. Cutting massively down on discretionary spending IS hard but honestly it is so rewarding to see the savings accounts go up and hear from an early stage that we are on the right track. I never bought high end but I would buy a lot of high street, budget fashion and stuff from Boots etc. I genuinely don't miss it. The banks don't care if you haven't rented before IF you can prove that you save more than what a mortgage payment would be.

Thank you this is exactly the glimmer of hope and advice that I need. Great idea to visit mortgage advisor I will definitely look into it and get the ball rolling.

I have been saving, just not a lot so will increase this for my next pay check. I suppose I might as well save as much as I can while I am still at home and I can.
Thanks again for the constructive advice.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2019 08:03AM

I feel there's a huge amount of backstory here that the OP is only sharing bits of so of course they are getting negative replies. OP you state you work for the family business so are you leaving your job when you move so far away with your OH? There appears to be a lot of family drama here - you state that you will have no claim on the family home as that appears to be based on geography - nearest sibling gets it - surely the house will be divided among all the siblings? You state your siblings got given houses so are your parents enabling all this dependence on them? Your not paying for the wedding - who is? Is your family religious, is that why you can't live with your OH before marriage? It appears to be a much bigger life change than it needs to be, yes it's a big new chapter in your life but I'm not sure if your being overly dramatic about having to move away from nephews and nieces etc etc or if there's some bigger family drama at play that is forcing this.

Redser87 · 29-07-2019 09:10AM

OP I really feel for you, there is clearly more beneath the surface that you are under no obligation to share on a public forum. On the practical side of things, I would advise small incremental changes in how you spend your money. Make one small change a week - decide not to buy takeaway coffee one week, the next week buy own brand groceries only, etc... and put your savings into online savings so you can see it building up. Also consider ways to save on extra wedding costs - the candy cart, favours etc are expensive and unnecessary IMO. On the emotional side, try to get away from how a bride SHOULD feel or behave. You are still a human being with feelings and experiences, and beating yourself up about not experiencing the "correct" emotions will only put you under more pressure.

PressRun · 29-07-2019 02:01PM

Who is paying for the wedding? Why do you have to move so far away? Why haven't you lived with your fiance up to now?

It sounds like a lot of these things are happening TO you, rather than you being an active agent in any of it. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when a lot of things are happening and you don't feel like you can control any of it or stop it. Do you even want to get married?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 29-07-2019 02:49PM

OP you say your fiancé is confident that you can deal with this, what is he basing this on? He's never lived with you, you've been living quite a cosseted life and you're about to completely overhaul all of that, all at once, with (reading between the lines) a family argument or estrangement of some sort going on in the background. What makes him so sure you're going to cope? If it's blind belief then that's very sweet but I don't know that it's realistic.

Living at home for a decade while barely saving, having the family unit with you all under one roof and spending everything on clothes is not being independent, I'm sorry. There's a big degree of arrested development here which you're now attempting to overhaul all at once and in a very ad hoc manner. It seems like your family background has protected you from having to really worry about money and it's had the predictable effect, going into this with very unfirm ideas about living in a friend's house for a while and then seeing about looking into a mortgage with no history of saving and one partner on an irregular income.

You need to get some financial advice, as a couple. You really need to talk about some very important material concerns too: how long are you going to live at your friend's house, where are you going to live afterwards, where are you both going to work, how's the division of labour within the home going to play out?

You've taken it pretty easy on yourself for the last decade and you're now giving yourself a host of challenges to rise to simultaneously. It's a recipe for disaster.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2019 02:54PM

can't log in wrote: »

I feel there's a huge amount of backstory here that the OP is only sharing bits of so of course they are getting negative replies. OP you state you work for the family business so are you leaving your job when you move so far away with your OH? There appears to be a lot of family drama here - you state that you will have no claim on the family home as that appears to be based on geography - nearest sibling gets it - surely the house will be divided among all the siblings? You state your siblings got given houses so are your parents enabling all this dependence on them? Your not paying for the wedding - who is? Is your family religious, is that why you can't live with your OH before marriage? It appears to be a much bigger life change than it needs to be, yes it's a big new chapter in your life but I'm not sure if your being overly dramatic about having to move away from nephews and nieces etc etc or if there's some bigger family drama at play that is forcing this.

Your right there are far more family issues at play but I won’t discuss those here for fear of being identified.

Apologies for my vagueness but to clarify a few things, my parents are paying for wedding they have no issue with this neither do I.
My family home will go to a sibling living nearby as there is land accompanying it so it will not be sold. They can then rent their own house. I lose out in this regard however I have a good, job and I received a third level education so it apparently balances out. I am in no position to question this and I have to accept it.
I only work at home in the business during holidays, some evenings weekends as my way of contributing to living at home, I have my own full time job which I will retain once I move away. I also have the option of working from home if I wish.

Yes I probably am thinking too deeply about everything, I’ve had time to read the responses and I have plenty of time to get my act together as regards finances. I definitely still feel sad about some things but I can overcome this.

I knew posting here lots of people wouldn’t understand how a grown woman with a full time job could be so ridiculous but I can’t say I haven’t had a great time over the last few years and moving forward I intend to still have a good lifestyle and obviously I will have to be far more conscious of savings etc.

I’m feeling far more positive today than I have in a few weeks and even writing here has contributed to that.

Mike9832 · 29-07-2019 03:09PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

You had no outgoings for years and splashed every penny you earned on yourself without a thought for the future, hoping to inherit a house.

Hard to empathize here.

It sounds like it’s finally time for you to join the real world

Cinderella comes to mind lol ðŸ˜‚

Could have sworn I saw this episode on Disney channel

Is your future husband tall and dashing OP?

LegacyUser · 29-07-2019 03:58PM

Sadbride wrote: »

My family home will go to a sibling living nearby as there is land accompanying it so it will not be sold. They can then rent their own house. I lose out in this regard however I have a good, job and I received a third level education so it apparently balances out.

As far as it balancing out I would say no one is entitled to just inherit their parents house anymore. Given my grandmother is still going strong in her 90s living in her own home I'll be waiting a long time if I wanted my parents home. Those days are slowly moving away as people live longer and often times sell family homes to down size to something more manageable in old age - thats certainly my parents plan in the next few years.

I still don't understand why your sibling automatically gets the house or how you living there would have prevented them getting it. Sounds like your parents had already decided this and you'd hope by being in the house you'd prevent it. If your parents haven't made a will clearly leaving the house to said sibling then get ready for family fall out when the time comes as everyone fights over it.

it's their house so they can do what they like with it and don't be surprised if they downgrade to something smaller and easier in a few years or say f*ck it and move to Spain to enjoy their golden years, thats what several friends parents have done. It was your own choice to not save and assume you'd just get the house but your making a different choice now to start your own family (wither that's just you and your OH or includes kids) Make your own path from here on, yes it will mean less fancy clothes but that will be balanced by your own space, your relationship, your own life etc etc

LegacyUser · 29-07-2019 04:32PM

Sadbride wrote: »

Thank you this is exactly the glimmer of hope and advice that I need. Great idea to visit mortgage advisor I will definitely look into it and get the ball rolling.

I have been saving, just not a lot so will increase this for my next pay check. I suppose I might as well save as much as I can while I am still at home and I can.
Thanks again for the constructive advice.

Glimmer of hope? You're getting married!!!. You don't sound too happy about the whole thing. You're only fooling yourself by going ahead with getting married.

strandroad · 29-07-2019 04:32PM

You have a very good job, but you only earn 1800 a month in your mid30s, that's closer to minimum wage? Your parents are paying for the wedding but you expect your relations to disimprove soon after?
You seem to lead quite an unusual life OP, not sure how to untangle it without seeing a specialist, ideally together with your fiance.

Tokyo · 29-07-2019 04:38PM

Mod:

Mike9832 - if you can't post to the standard expected in PI/RI, then please don't post here again.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2019 05:19PM

quote="can't log in;110825613"]As far as it balancing out I would say no one is entitled to just inherit their parents house anymore. Given my grandmother is still going strong in her 90s living in her own home I'll be waiting a long time if I wanted my parents home. Those days are slowly moving away as people live longer and often times sell family homes to down size to something more manageable in old age - thats certainly my parents plan in the next few years.

I still don't understand why your sibling automatically gets the house or how you living there would have prevented them getting it. Sounds like your parents had already decided this and you'd hope by being in the house you'd prevent it.

As is still quite common in rural areas the youngest female would stay at home and live, care for parents as they age. This role will now fall to the nearest living sibling who will take over the home. If you are being told this from a young age it takes time to change mindset, and I was looking forward to certain aspects of being at home. It would have been grand if I’d met a local lad, but I didnt and I’m moving away.

No there’ll be no fall out, we will accept what happens as hard as it may be for both parents and children. Would be great if they did move away, at least we could visit them abroad - unlikely as they have never even been on a plane! Growing up we looked after our grandparents who lived well into their 90s. It worked out very well.

sportsfan90 · 29-07-2019 06:02PM

Sadbride wrote: »

As is still quite common in rural areas the youngest female would stay at home and live, care for parents as they age. This role will now fall to the nearest living sibling who will take over the home. If you are being told this from a young age it takes time to change mindset

OP I'm from rural area too and I've never heard of this. Who on earth told you this is the norm?

And is the house now instead going to your siblings seen as the punishment for breaking with that tradition?

rainbowtrout · 29-07-2019 09:10PM

Sadbride wrote: »

As is still quite common in rural areas the youngest female would stay at home and live, care for parents as they age. This role will now fall to the nearest living sibling who will take over the home. If you are being told this from a young age it takes time to change mindset, and I was looking forward to certain aspects of being at home. It would have been grand if I’d met a local lad, but I didnt and I’m moving away.

I've never heard of this. And in an earlier post you suggested that if you had married locally and presumably moved your husband into the house you would have had free childcare, which implies that your parents are capable of taking care of children. And if that's the case then they don't need looking after themselves.

So are you essentially saying that you moved home in your early to mid 20s to live with your parents who currently don't need care, to secure a free house according to this bizarre, non-existent tradition, rather than living an independent life?

And €1800 is barely above minimum wage. That's the bit I'd be most worried about if you have never learned to budget.

Overwhelmed bride leaving home

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