Two marriage breakups in my family - I’m overwhelmed by siblings difficulties.

ginandtonicsky

+1 on the counselling OP. It's clear that this family dynamic is so entrenched in you. I really think you need professional help in unpicking it, dissolving the unwarranted guilt you feel for simply LIVING LIFE and disconnecting from your sister in such a way that healthy boundaries can be established. For what sounds like the first time in your life.

Your remind me of my mother. My oldest sibling has severe mental difficulties and has done since a mental breakdown when I was a teenager. I, essentially, lost my mother overnight. She was not available to me emotionally and often physically for the ensuing ten years, because she was so grief-stricken and wrapped around this idea that she just had to try harder to bring my oldest sister back from the brink. As a result, all other familial relationships were compromised.I bear no grudge and hold no blame (after a lot of therapy believe me!) but it's had an unspeakable affect on me to grow up without the full support system of a distracted, distraught mother who gave me everything I needed physically and materialistically, but with whom I could never really bond with because she had other priorities.

That's what's at risk here OP. Like another poster, I'd be very curious to hear your partner's perspective. I suspect he and your wider family are sick to the teeth of this sibling.

Prioritise correctly in your life before you damage and fracture the relationships that matter most.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder is there a sort of codependency going on here, OP. Your sister no doubt has her troubles, but you seem intent on taking responsibility for them, and her. Even to the detriment of your own wellbeing. But do you like, in some way, the feeling that she needs you? The feeling that with you not available her life will fall apart. As someone else said, without any prompting from her, before she even knows you're going away for a few weeks in the summer, you're already thinking of things you can do, to keep her dependent on you and your assistance.

Your unwillingness to try step back and let her live her own life as she chooses is something that could be explored in counselling. No doubt she leans on you, but you also feel the need to prop her up. Neither of you are doing the other any good.

And, I'd agree, your other relationships can only be suffering while you concentrate on straightening her out. She's not going to be straightened out. Not unless she takes responsibility for herself. You can't do it for her. You've tried, and failed, for all these years.

qwerty13

Sorry to harp on, but this is about more than your relationship with your sibling. If you are stressed, it is going to affect your relationship with your kids and your partner. Your kids are young teenagers, and heading into exams soon enough - they need you present. Not stressed. Not dropping everything for your sibling. Not blocking a once in a lifetime chance for an extended trip with them (thankfully you’ve rethought than one). And not having said sibling take over your home at weekends (which would happen after you get back from your trip).

I was going to say that you need to start saying things: to your family, that you cannot bear burden of sibling A alone. And to Sibling A that you can’t be always available. But it strikes me that you need to say things to yourself first. You need to tell (convince?) yourself that you cannot ‘fix’ everything for your sibling, that their actions aren’t your fault, and that it is not your burden to bear.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I wonder is there a sort of codependency going on here, OP. Your sister no doubt has her troubles, but you seem intent on taking responsibility for them, and her. Even to the detriment of your own wellbeing. But do you like, in some way, the feeling that she needs you? The feeling that with you not available her life will fall apart. As someone else said, without any prompting from her, before she even knows you're going.

Thank you BBOC and everyone else for your input. I’ve explained in a previous post I find it very hard to refuse sibling A help but please believe me, I’m not actively looking for ways to involve myself in their life.

I’m definitely no goody two shoes, but if anyone in my life (family member/friend/work colleague) is in a bad place, my first instinct is to help if asked. I don't want to kick someone when they’re down so I suppose occasionally I’ve tolerated far more sh1te than is healthy or normal.

Sibling A is in very real distress at moment, I don’t want to get into the details other than to say that I think that they could do something stupid to themselves (in a cry for help way, nothing more). I lost a work colleague and friend to suicide last summer so this plays on my mind. You always agonize over whether you could have done more or listened harder. Sibling A has burnt bridges with a lot of people including members of their own immediate family. I know I have to distance myself and I will but I can’t completely abandon them completely. I’m going to push hard for them to avail of counseling via their Employee Assistance Scheme.

I was originally thinking of offering my home to give them some breathing space from their in-laws, a chance to meet new people, go to the cinema/see a show etc - things that are difficult for them to do now. I was hoping if they got away from home occasionally they might start living again and looking forward to life. That it might break the cycle of despair?

For the record, sibling A asked me if they could stay in my house last year while I was on 2 holidays, I refused at the time because I couldn’t be sure that their affair was over and I didn’t want a third party in my house. The affair is definitely over now. I’ve read all the comments and no one thinks it’s a wise idea so I can’t ignore that. Thanks again.

Big Bag of Chips

If you honestly believe she is suicidal then you cannot deal with that alone. You simply are not qualified, and no matter how well meaning, you might do or say something that makes her feel worse. Also you are getting sucked into an unending cycle that is not helping her, but allowing her to wallow and allowing her to believe that she is the victim of everyone else's behaviour. That is not good for her.

Please have a look at this link, and encorage her to make contact with someone on it. Maybe make contact with the likes of Pieta House yourself and ask their advice. Honestly, OP, in your attempt to make things better for her you could be making it worse. I'd liken her to an alcoholic and you her enabler. An alcoholic is going to continue the same cycle of drinking if they always have someone sorting out their messes and making life easy for them, preventing them from facing their problems and dealing with them. She's not going to give up feeling sorry for herself and this cycle of self pity and loathing if you are constantly at her beck and call, propping her up.

miamee

OP, it is a lovely thing you are thinking of doing and for the right reasons but if her children are on summer holidays and she has the key to your house for two whole months and where she currently lives is so difficult...I think there is a chance that she may move in there with the kids while you are gone 'temporarily' but then will find it even more difficult to face going home when you return. Obviously you know her better than the rest of us but this seems like something someone might do out of desperation to be away from where they live and will leave you in a very difficult position when you get back from your trip.

By the way, the trip with your family sounds amazing and a wonderful bonding experience for you all, I hope you can go and enjoy it completely

qwerty13

I hadn’t even thought of that (what the prior poster said re sibling A plus their kids moving into your house for the full 2 months). That is exactly what would happen, as her kids would be on their summer holidays. If you’re not very careful OP, you will end up with your sibling and their kids living with you. There’s not a snowball’s chance that they’d just ‘go quietly’ back to their own home in Sept after your trip. There’d be half promises to leave, and then guilt trips.

Don’t let them even have access to your home while you’re away. You are asking for trouble.

LegacyUser

OP here once again.
I don’t know why I am here other than to vent a little in a safe place. I’m feeling devastated this evening. Part of me feels angry and betrayed but I’m mostly heartbroken.
Since I last posted I decided I would go travelling for two months as soon as my children finish school at the end of the month. I am due to start in a new role at work in September so the opportunity to take an extended period of time off is unlikely to arise again for some time.

When I told sibling A that I would be away for the summer they reacted very negatively. I felt that I was running out on them. Over the last month I redoubled my efforts to get them to seek assistance elsewhere in the form of counsellor (through their employee assistance programme). I scrutinized their financial situation and spent considerable time moving utility providers, changing insurance policies and took other measures to improve their financial situation.

I spent lots of days and nights counselling them and trying to persuade them to help themselves by looking at their diet and fitness, doing yoga, mindfulness etc. Sibling A asked for the use of my house while I away and I refused numerous times. I made excuses that I was going to have some work done while I was away. I eventually caved when they told me that they were at the end of their tether and couldn’t see a future and just wanted some space work things out.

This weekend I was in Slane, reliving my youth, it was a weekend I was looking forward to for ages. While I was there Sibling A started sending me texts that were of a very upsetting nature, basically that they were on their own and they wanted to die and did I realise how lucky I was to be living my perfect life. (For the record, my life isn’t perfect. I have experienced great love and loss but I keep going and I’m prepared to work very hard for my family and my home).

Last night I urged them to make contact with our parents, a friend or a helpline as I genuinely couldn’t get home. I travelled home this morning in a panic. When I met sibling a, it came to light that they had been seeing the individual that they were having the affair with during their marriage. I was led to believe that the affair had ended several months ago but it hadn’t. They said that they lied to me as they knew that I didn’t like the individual they were seeing. They decided to keep the relationship under wraps as no one (on both sides) approved of them being together.

Yesterday they had a massive row and that’s why sibling A started messaging me. I feel like a fool, I have felt so guilty for ages and I struggled with my decision to go travelling because I believed sibling A was going to be on their own. I wouldn’t class myself as a naïve person normally, I’m told I’m pretty intelligent but I was completely taken in. I don’t mind that they were in a relationship but I’m upset that they lied to me and made me feel so guilty about anything positive happening in my life.

I can’t let them have my house now, I suspect that they only wanted it so they could use it as a love nest away from all the people that might know both of them. I’m supposed to be heading away in over two weeks and I’m in turmoil. I don’t feel I can see sibling A at the moment but I am not sure I can leave with this massive cloud hanging over me.
I know that loads of you will think I have been a prize A idiot, I know I have been but I thought I was helping someone in genuine distress. I am feeling so lost right now, I don’t know what to do. I'm so heartbroken at the level of deceit.

wiggle16

So on top of all the rest of it, she's a liar.

People could say it's not your business and they'd be right, except that she has been "relying" on you for emotional support while only telling you the truth to the extent that she could remain the unrivalled, innocent victim.

You are completely right, she was going to use your house as a place to hook up with this person away from prying eyes, I would say.

I don't think you're an idiot. It doesn't matter what others think. You sound like someone who has a very kind nature and you unfortunately have a sibling who was all too happy to take advantage of that. Yes, you should have backed off months ago OP, because it was only a matter of time before something like this came out of the woodwork... you're after getting way too involved in her life, but that's after the fact now. I think you've finally realised that.

Tell her to f*ck off. Seriously.

She doesn't care about you. She doesn't care about your happiness, only her own. It doesn't matter to her how distressed she makes you from worrying about her, she just wants to be worried about and indulged - she doesn't even need to tell you the truth about it, that's how highly she thinks of you. She's a liar and a parasite and a user. And she will not change.

You need to debride her from your life. She's toxic. Tell her to f*ck off, block her and stick to it.

scarepanda

wiggle16 wrote:

So on top of all the rest of it, she's a liar.

I think it's fair to say she's always been a liar...

OP, if she has a set of keys to your house (or anyone you don't trust 100% around her), then get the locks changed for when your away and only give a set to someone you trust 100% to not fall for any of her lies.

Personally id also create a distance between ye from now on as well. She's taken you for a ride and taken advantage of your good nature. Wiggle16 is correct in saying that shes only concerned about being the victim and having people feel sorry for her and worry about her the 'poor victim' in all this. Don't forget she made all the choices to **** up her own life, not you, not anyone else.

ginandtonicsky

This is such a toxic relationship OP.

I know it's easy for us to say, as observers with no emotional or biological connection to the person. But you really need to make it a priority to distance yourself from your sister as she is beyond changing at this point. She has no notion in the world of changing. She just wants to be a perpetual victim and she'll pull the script right back to that while she behaves as and how she likes, leaving a sh1tshow of destruction in her wake.

What does that mean for you? It means you'll get caught up in her lies and not get a moment's peace for years to come. What does it mean for your family? Your kids will get half their mother and your relationship with your partner will suffer as he like most normal people will see you prioritiising this co-dependent relationship and putting your need to "fix" your sister first.

Is she worth that? I'd highly, highly recommend counselling for yourself, as you clearly don't have the means to set boundaries with your sister on your own.

Fakediamond

You’re being used, abused, manipulated, lied to and bullied.

Change the locks (you really MUST do this) and take your children on that dream trip. Block/delete/do not read her texts while away. You’ll be amazed how much better you will feel when you remove yourself from the drama.

I understand that you’re unable to confront her but you do need to reduce the contact drastically. When you get back, go for counselling to understand why you’re doing this to yourself and your family. I think that in this country there’s too much emphasis on wanting to be seen as a “good” person. In your case this is to the detriment of your mental health and stress levels. You really need to get this and to understand that your happiness is not contingent on her happiness. She has her own life to lead and her own issues to overcome, give her the space and respect to do that, instead of shielding her from consequences whenever she uses poor judgement.

To be really blunt, maybe she should have thought about her child with extra needs before she kicked her supportive spouse to the kerb for the sake of a fling.

Neyite

Take these texts and the lies as an opportunity to distance yourself from them for a bit. The texts you got on a rare weekend away for you were designed to ruin it for you, so let yourself get mad at them. Get bloody angry and let rip right back at them. Call them out on the nasty digs they made about your life, tell them that like you, they made their choices and are responsible for their own life and their future, just like you. Tell them that they abused your good nature and trust and you need some space from their situation. And that you are doing it for them as much as you.

You might get a bit of peace and quiet until the next row the lovestruck couple have - and it neatly solves the issue of you lending them your house - but change the locks just in case.

Big Bag of Chips

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

What does it mean for your family? Your kids will get half their mother and your relationship with your partner will suffer

Read this very carefully.

Let it sink in.

If you can't be selfish for yourself then you need to be selfish for your family. Your family are all being pushed to one side to facilitate this person's self-absorbed pity party.

Regardless of whatever threats or pleas you hear remember that it is all done for attention. And the more attention you feed them, the more they'll look for.

Her lack of friends is not your problem. And I guarantee if you back off she'll very quickly find someone else to latch on to and leech off. You're not a support to her. You're simply a prop, to be used when required.

Ignore all attempts at emotional blackmail now and as others have said if she or anyone she may have contact with has a key to your house, get your locks changed.

B0jangles

wiggle16 wrote: »

She's a liar and a parasite and a user. And she will not change.

Write this on the palm of your hand OP and read it to yourself every time she tries to pull another guilt trip on you.

She is 100% using you and she Does Not Care about you or your family even a little bit.
She has so little respect for you that she has the baldfaced cheek to demand that you drop everything and run to do what she wants, while openly resenting you for how your life has turned out.
She is not the victim of cruel fate, she has created her current difficulties entirely by her own actions.

Change the locks, block her number and enjoy your holiday.

When you get back look into getting some counselling about how to separate yourself from this toxic relationship. It's easy for us to tell you to just drop her, she's terrible, but you've spent your whole life being moulded into the one who always picks up after your sister, no matter what.

Please try to leave all this behind you and enjoy your holiday - remember YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER LIFE, SHE IS.

Ursus Horribilis

The truth coming out about your sibling is the best thing that could have happened to you. When this thread fizzled out, I just knew things weren't going to change. So to find that your "vulnerable", clingy sibling has been less than honest is the shock you needed.

I agree with the poster so suggested you should go for counselling. Even with some sort of quasi boundary that has been established.

qwerty13

I had a similar relationship with a family member. Different circumstances - but everything you’ve said about how they treat you, their expectations that you put your own life aside for them, demanding an immediate response from you: all the same stuff that I experienced.

I was in a cycle of guilt, simmering resentment, dropping things from my life to help them. Of course they appreciated none of it. All that ever got remembered was the times I didn’t jump to attention.

Anyway, they went absolutely nuclear with me over something that I did not comply with. And it was the best thing they could ever have done for me! It gave me the courage to stop engaging with them. And while I will be civil, Ive pulled right back from being their emotional punching bag, and at their beck and call. And it’s been GREAT. The freedom I feel, and the removal of stress - well it’s just amazing.

I’d echo what everyone has said re counselling OP. You need support to escape the habits of a lifetime. It really does help.

And change your locks!

LegacyUser

Op here, I’m in work today but I’m reeling, I just can’t function properly. I want to roll myself up in a ball and cry.

Last night I received a call from my mother who was furious with me “for my callous treatment of sibling A”. She isn’t happy with me going away for the summer and leaving her with the burden of sibling A. She feels I’m being very judgmental too. The thing is, I’m not. I completely understand that people can fall in love with other people and relationships don’t always work out but it’s the lies and constant guilt tripping that is affecting me so badly.

My mother has ALWAYS been of the view that as things in life come far easier to me I should try to help and support sibling a as much as possible. I would be of the view that I always worked exceptionally hard at school, college and work. I was no Einstein but I slogged and when I started earning I made some investments that paid off. Sibling A had no interest in studying or working towards a career. Both my mother and sibling A feel I’m a freak because I still like to study (p/time) even though I’m well established at work. I enjoy setting (study, fitness, work etc) challenges for myself.

My father is on the same page as me, he has been quietly providing substantial financial assistance to sibling A for the last year and he understands my frustration. We would be very similar in personality and he is getting it in the neck too.

My mother is blaming me for the conflict that now exists between her and my father. While I feel she is entirely unreasonable, she is receiving treatment for a serious but (currently) non life threatening condition so I don’t want to fall out with her.

I have read and re-read everything that’s been posted and it all makes perfect sense when you are not emotionally involved.

One poster mentioned that I was or might become a half mother to my children. I constantly guilt-trip myself about lots of things but not that’s one of them. I feel insecure or inferior in lots of areas in my life but I AM A GOOD PARENT (not perfect) but I love my children and they have always been my top priority. I do feel extremely guilty that I’ve been lucky - unlike sibling A my children will go on to lead independent lives. Sibling A has the additional burden of possibly caring for one child into adulthood. This is the main reason for not walking away before now. Believe me I do realise that I have been an idiot. I’m hoping the clean break from home will help me.

I mentioned this before but last year two people close to me died by suicide within a short period of each other - one was a close work colleague and the other was a former work colleague. I still struggle at work when I receive correspondence addressed to my dead friend. It’s hard to explain how devastating the loss is when you’re having great craic with someone on a Friday and Monday they fail to turn up to work and a few days later you’re at their funeral. So when sibling A calls me or texts me to say they want to opt out of their life, I feel compelled to act .... I can’t bear to think about what would happen if I wasn’t there. I couldn’t live with the guilt.

Thank you all for time and patience with me I am taking everything on board but I’m still in a state of shock at the moment.

B0jangles

OP, I am honestly so sad and so bloody angry for you right now. Your mother and sibling have obviously spent a lifetime moulding you into a kind of servant who is expected to pick up and carry your sibling every time they stub their toe. It's just ridiculously unreasonable, and it's left you a ball of guilt, and your sibling apparently unable to function without having you to do all the heavy lifting for them. That your mother is actually angry with you for going away and leaving HER with the burden of your sibling, when she's apparently spent a lifetime teaching that sibling to be as helpless as possible is just... ARGH

You are being relentlessly emotionally blackmailed by both of them- the losses you have suffered to suicide must have been and still be devastating for you, but you know, you must know, that you cannot spend your life running around after your incredibly demanding and incredibly ungrateful sibling.

Please do take this holiday as a chance to create some space between you and your mother and sibling. It's the only choice you have.

Staying in this poisonous dynamic is helping no-one at all - you're run ragged, and your sibling stays helpless and spoiled. If you want to help your sibling, the best thing you can to is leave them to stand on their own feet - it sounds like that something that is well-overdue.

edit: Look back at all the advice - it's practically unanimous, including from people who've been in very similar circumstances to yours. That's got to tell you something.

qwerty13

B0jangles is 100% right.

I don’t mean to be patronising when I say this OP, but you just can’t see how right that post is at the moment. And I’ve been there. It’s weird, you almost want to defend the person in question ... or say that they’re not that bad ... that they didn’t mean it ... that they really do need you. This is from a lifetime of you being conditioned to behave this way. The problem is not you. It never was you. It’s THEM.

It takes strength to break free of this cycle. But it can be done. I really feel for you. You need to at least dent the cycle, if you can’t break it just yet. I wish you every good thought.

wiggle16

OP you're not an idiot. Stop that!

You've had your younger sibling safety-pinned to you by your mother since you were a kid yourself. It's no surprise you have been doing everything for her, you've been doing it your whole life.

It's academic now but it was a terrible thing for your mother to do, for both of you, to make out that because you had the wherewithall then you were obliged to carry your sibling through life. Your mother made you her keeper. Very frustrating to read.
And that explains a lot. She's never had to make her own mistakes because you were there to pick up the pieces and she's probably never had to take responsibility for anything.

But NONE of that excuses her.

1) you don't have to fall out with your mother. You just tell her to back off and that it's none of her business what happens between you and your sibling. The fact that she's ill really doesn't make any difference - your sibling clearly doesn't give two ****s that she's ill, she's no problem upsetting her in am attempt to make you fall into line.

2) you need to disconnect from your sibling. ASAP. You've finally stood up to her and said "no, I'm not doing this for you" and now she's gone running to mammy to make you fall into line.
Why?
Because I bet she knows you can't stand seeing your mother or father upset.

3) I am very sorry for your losses. Your sibling is using them against you. Assuming she knows about your colleagues, she knows that if she pulls out all the stops and hints at suicide you'll come running. As anyone would.
She sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

I agree with others you need counselling, you are carrying around a lot of guilt that isn't yours to bear.

You need to block your sibling out. This is so toxic. And yes, change the locks on your house.

wiggle16

B0jangles wrote: »

OP, I am honestly so sad and so bloody angry for you right now.

Same. 100%

Fakediamond

Hi OP, as you reveal more of the family dynamic, the more I wonder if your mother and sister aren’t narcissists? Read up on narcissism and see if it fits. It won’t change the advice from this thread but might help you to move on without guilt.

They’re shamelessly abusing you as if you don’t have feelings, wants and needs of your own. Only you can stop the cycle, it won’t change and you need to decide are you willing to sacrifice your peace and happiness for them.

Think about it, you’ve given so much and it hasn’t helped, so maybe changing your approach will change the dynamic. You know the old saying, you can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself.

Neyite

I was just thinking that - the scapegoat/golden child scenario might ring a bell with you.

SirChenjin

My heart goes out to you OP, you are struggling with so many things at once.

Would it be possible for you to break things down into parts, so for example start with the travel that you are going to do with your children. Make that your focus for now (I presume it's imminent as you mention the summer), and promise yourself that you won't allow anyone to muck that up on you.

Then when you are back, promise yourself that you will get some counselling. I know I posted on your thread earlier to that effect, as have many others. There is a lot to unpick there, none of which is a reflection on you whatsoever. It would seem that your mother foisted this dependent sibling on you from an early age and seems to think you should carry her forever. None of that is right or normal.

On top of all of that you are trying to come to terms with the suicide of people that were close to you. Something again that I think it would be beneficial to talk out with a counsellor.

I would be sorely tempted to block the sibling and mother on your phone but I know that is a lot easier said than done. Look after yourself.

Another day

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Your sister is emotionally abusing and blackmailing you
She knows your buttons and is pressing them constantly from what you say.
You probably can't cut her out of your life but you can change how you deal with her. Next time she calls and starts moaning, belittling you, cut her off immediately, not hang up but with asking her for something positive in her day. Don't give her time to get into full flow. You need to be consistent in this and she will eventually realise you're not her punch bag any more.
Your mum too is way out of line and you need to tell her to back off. You've given your all to your sister, above and beyond, but can't sustain this for own well-being. Your mum has aided your sister so now she can pick up the flack.
Go on your trip, turn your phone off and only turn on every few days to make a very quick call home. Give your family the attention your sister has taken from them. Go enjoy, relax and unwind.

Paddy Cow

Both your mother and sister are narcissists. They will never take responsibility for their actions or choices in life and will always resent anything good that happens in yours. They will feed off you emotionally and I guarantee if you ever need anything, they won't be there for you.

The worst thing you could do is cancel this trip. You are not your sister's keeper and it's bullying and toxic behaviour that they expect you to. Why aren't they putting this amount of pressure on your other sister? You haven't really mentioned her so I presume she has tight boundaries in place.

Your mother and sister are completely out of order but unless you stop enabling their behaviour and stand up for yourself, nothing is going to change. I feel for you, I really do but your priority should be your husband and kids. They are your family unit now.

It's not your fault your sister has a disabled child. It's no ones. These things happen. You know what doesn't just happen? Affairs. She ruined her marriage because of her choices and she limited her financial earnings by not taking studying seriously. She's not going to commit suicide. She is using that as an emotional hold over you because she knows how much it upsets you. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. Way worse than her lie about the affair being over.

Your sister really is not a nice person and for your own sake you need to put distance between you, her and your mother. Thankfully you have a two month break coming up. I guarantee both will survive while you are gone. Take this time to break the circle. Limit your contact with them. When they start texting you about emergencies (and I guarantee they will) don't panic and think it's real. It will all be a ploy to ruin your holiday and try to get you back home. When you get home be unavailable. "Oh I can't meet up, the kids are back at school and I'm busy in my new job". "I can't answer the phone at work because I'm learning the ropes". They will eventually get the hint and go looking for someone else to take advantage of.

I've seen this type of destructive co-dependence loads of times and it usually ends with the normal person ending up burnt out. I was like you at one stage and was my sister's go-to until eventually I broke the cycle and I'm now much happier. She never gave two sh!ts about me or my boundaries. It was all about her and you know what? I'm not in her life anymore and she's managed to go on (well still making selfish choices and burning through friends but that's her prerogative).

Their behaviour will never change. They will never wake up one day and say "we've been really cruel to her. We should apologise and thank her for all the sacrifices and good things she's done for us." Sometimes that's what we think will happen when caught in a toxic relationship "if I just love them enough", "if I just help them out this time", "it's not their fault, they've had hard times" etc etc.

If you were in a relationship with a man who treated you like they do, everyone would tell you to run for the hills but somehow the lines get blurred with family. You feel more obliged to turn a blind eye to their faults. You are not obliged to them in any way. They are adults and if they haven't learned how to adult by now, they never will.

LegacyUser

Op here....

There has been a deafening silence since Sunday night which is very unusual for sibling A. I haven’t made any effort to make contact either as I’m still upset and I’m angry. I am so fcuking angry that I’ve spent so much time feeling guilty/sorry for sibling A.

I hate that they felt they had to lie to me. While I didn’t like the individual they had the affair with, I wouldn’t have withdrawn support (especially for the children). It’s the continual misery fest and guilt tripping that they subjected me to.... letting me think they had no joy in their life when they were hooking up with someone and having regular nights out on the sly.

I want apologize for going around in circles and wrecking all your heads ... but I’m just saddened that they allowed me think that their situation was far lonelier and desperate than it actually was.

As for my mother, I honestly believe (for my sanity I have to believe) she is a good person, that she is well intentioned but she sees me as being like my father, while sibling a is like her. My mother would frequently say sibling B and I had our father’s ways and we will “always make out fine in this world”.

To make the situation trickier at the moment ... a cousin of ours is getting married at the weekend, it’s going to be a big wedding back in our home town. One of my son’s will be singing at the ceremony so we have to be there. I want to be there! Sibling A has been invited but they never commit to anything until maybe a day or two before so I don’t know if they’re going but I presume they will attend as their former spouse will have the children at the weekend.

I’m getting anxious that sibling A will make a scene at the wedding or they will try to embarrass me into changing my mind about sharing my house with them while I’m away.

I think the latter is the most likely option. I’ve been tormenting myself by playing out various scenarios in my head.

If Sibling A has an audience of relations they might say...

X is heading away for the Summer and I’ll be staying in their place...
Or
X is so lucky to be going away for the summer, I wish I could take time off but I can’t afford it. I was supposed to be staying in X’s house but they’ve let me down and now I’m going to stuck at home looking at my own four walls.

Sibling A knows I wouldn’t dream of washing our dirty linen in public. I’m fairly reserved, I’m not the type of person who will lose my temper in public but I want to avoid a situation where I end up smiling and agreeing as sibling A announces that they will staying in my house for the summer. While I know I shouldn’t care what my relations think of me, I don’t want to come across as a selfish b1tch who isn’t prepared to share my home with my sibling in their time of need.

Finally, I want to be able to say goodbye to sibling A’s children before I go away on holidays. I’m getting worried that she might prevent this from happening now.

Thanks again for all the advice guys

Big Bag of Chips

Surely your relations will wonder why she needs the use of your house?

I wouldn't be too bothered about what your relations think. Chances are they see her for what she is clearer than you do.

wiggle16

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

As for my mother, I honestly believe (for my sanity I have to believe) she is a good person, that she is well intentioned but she sees me as being like my father, while sibling a is like her. My mother would frequently say sibling B and I had our father’s ways and we will “always make out fine in this world”.

If Sibling A has an audience of relations they might say...

X is heading away for the Summer and I’ll be staying in their place...
Or
X is so lucky to be going away for the summer, I wish I could take time off but I can’t afford it. I was supposed to be staying in X’s house but they’ve let me down and now I’m going to stuck at home looking at my own four walls

God I'd love to just get her and SHAKE her.

OP, you could put her on notice that she's not to discuss your business at the wedding, and that includes what if anything you're doing with the house while you're gone. I don't know if that will work but at least you'll have said it. But if she stoops to the level of trying to "shame" you into letting her have the use of her house, let her.
I'm not saying that flippantly. Correct me if I'm wrong.... but I'd be fairly sure Sibling A has made sure that everyone in your family knows how "hard done by" she is by her marriage ending. And I'd be fairly sure that the majority of people in your family can see right through it.

And if you are even half as thoughtful and decent in the real world as you come across on this thread, the people who know you will know this too. They will know who is really causing the problem. I sincerely doubt she is fooling as many people as she thinks she is - she talks waaaaaay too much. The empty tin rattles the most.

She will only be making a fool of herself if she carries on like that. I would very much doubt that anyone in that audience would think that you were being selfish, because:
1) they are family, they probably know exactly what she's like
2) it's not selfish anyway. She's pestering you for the use of your house. That's not a small ask, it's your home. It's not her time of need, she doesn't need a house, she already has a bloody house!

Avoid her as much as possible at the wedding. Ignore any catty comments and just rise above whatever she says. If she gets an audience and starts telling people you won't let her stay in your house, it would be on the tip of my tongue to tell them she wants to treat the house like a bordello and she and her "friend" will be redecorating your sheets before you've made it out of the front gate, that's why she's not staying. But don't stoop to my level

If she does pull a stunt like this, walk away. Say nothing and walk off. She knows it will make you feel guilty, she knows if she can get a reaction out of you you will feel twice as guilty and she thinks you'll cave. Don't give her an inch. Just remember that no matter what way she presents this to people, it will only reflect badly on her. You don't have to be worried about what people think.
As an aside, if you change the locks to your house, I wouldn't be giving your mother a key either. You might as well be handing it to Sibling A.
Maybe Sibling B would be willing to check on the place. Failing that, your father or a friend.