Two marriage breakups in my family - I’m overwhelmed by siblings difficulties.

qwerty13

...Ghost... wrote: »

qwerty13 wrote: »

While this is all true, I don’t think this is going to help the OP to deal with day to day stuff re sibling A. I’m not saying that to criticise your post; I’m saying that as I feel that I was in a similar situation. My feeling is that advising the OP to jump from zero to a strong reaction isn’t going to work. I do think small steps will work though. Might take some time to achieve that though.

I appreciate where you are coming from and I have lots of personal experience in this situation. The OP is already highly stressed out and I think she needs to cut off the sympathy tap, as it is not helping anyone.

I get you. I unfortunately have lots of personal experience with this kind of situation too. I guess I was projecting a bit, in that I’d find confronting sibling A very hard. And I think I recognised something like that from the OP. That’s why I was saying small steps that the OP could enact. Whereas (for me anyway) they might find it very hard to jump from zero to being totally assertive

qwerty13

Edit function doesn’t seem to be working. But I wanted to comment on how very nice it is that I disagreed a lot with Ghost, and just the point in relation to the OP was subsequently discussed. So rare these days that I was very pleasantly surprised!

...Ghost...

qwerty13 wrote: »

Edit function doesn’t seem to be working. But I wanted to comment on how very nice it is that I disagreed a lot with Ghost, and just the point in relation to the OP was subsequently discussed. So rare these days that I was very pleasantly surprised!

I was thinking the very same thing.

So often this forum is a catalyst for baseless arguments where nobody gives an ounce of consideration.

LegacyUser

Op here again.

Out of loyalty to sibling A I've kept discussion of their difficulties to an absolute minimum in real life. This forum has been very helpful and I want to thank people again for all their advice. The contributions have been very constructive.

I've been trying to focus most of my time and energy on assisting sibling A with practical things such as childcare and financial/legal stuff. It hasn't all been about listening to "poor me" tales. However it is the jibes that I am currently finding the most difficult thing to deal with. My sibling constantly reminds me of how much easier my life is to theirs and it hurts me because it is true.

Sibling A has custody from Monday to Friday because their former spouse spends a lot of time travelling with work. Sibling A has always worked and been primary caregiver. One of the 3 children has a number of complicated medical conditions so this is the main reason why I have cut my sibling some slack and tolerated so much for their crap. I feel guilty that I have healthy 2 children and my sibling's life is more difficult. I am completely racked with guilt.

Essentially sibling A is a good person who made one very stupid decision. The fallout from their affair has been enormous for sibling A and all the families involved. I'm not condoning affairs but I have known people who have had affairs and ended up being very happy with their new partner. Unfortunately for sibling A the person they had the affair with was a complete tosser and as mentioned before wasn't half the person their former spouse was/is.

I know I am going to have to address matters very soon. I've recently received a promotion at work. I'm due to start a new role in September. The change in my employment situation has presented me with a once in a lifetime opportunity to take 2 months off and go travelling with my teenagers. I won't get this chance again but I extremely concerned about Sibling A and what will happen if I do go. AND... if I go I will feel guilty that I have been able to afford to take the time off and take my children away. It's a never ending cycle of guilt.

Ursus Horribilis

Why are you so afraid of what'll happen to your sibling if you take a step back? Do they have a history of mental illness or self-harm?

I think you should double down on your efforts to get them to a proper counsellor. Both by making yourself less available to listen to them and by making the point repeatedly that you aren't equipped to help them with their problems. That you're still having your ear bent for hours on end is proof of this. Somebody already said here that no counsellor would sit and listen to someone for hours on end. So why should you?

You sound like a lovely person but I think your sibling is taking advantage of your kind nature here. I really hope you don't pass up this wonderful opportunity to travel with your teenagers. You don't need me to tell you that they grow up so quickly.

ginandtonicsky

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

Essentially sibling A is a good person who made one very stupid decision. The fallout from their affair has been enormous for sibling A and all the families involved. I'm not condoning affairs but I have known people who have had affairs and ended up being very happy with their new partner. Unfortunately for sibling A the person they had the affair with was a complete tosser and as mentioned before wasn't half the person their former spouse was/is.

Tough sh1t. Play with fire, don't be surprised if you get burned. People who have affairs may have their own "happy endings" afterwards, but it's always a nightmare for all families involved. That part is fairly predictable even to the dumbest of us. And it's not "unfortunate" for Sibling A that her bit on the side turned out to be a gobshyte, she knew full well what she was walking into with him and it sounds like you spent most of your time back then trying to make her cop on.

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

The change in my employment situation has presented me with a once in a lifetime opportunity to take 2 months off and go travelling with my teenagers. I won't get this chance again but I extremely concerned about Sibling A and what will happen if I do go. AND... if I go I will feel guilty that I have been able to afford to take the time off and take my children away. It's a never ending cycle of guilt.

With respect OP, wake the hell up. Your children are more important than your relationship with Sibling A. Don't miss out on building those very important relationships and giving them invaluable parent time. And stop playing the martyr. You're infantilising your sister like she's one of your children. Sibling A isn't a child, she is very capable of fending for herself, let her put her big girl pants on and get on with it. Treating her with kid gloves and like she won't make it though the day without you pandering to her is doing her no favours whatsoever.

Support her with her sick child as much as you can manage but NOT at the cost of your own family relationships. Trust me when I say this - they will resent you for it. A distant, preoccupied parent is very damaging especially for teenagers. And what the hell do you feel guilty about? Having healthy children? Not having had an affair and destroying your own marriage? Working hard to be in a good spot in life? Cop on OP!

December2012

Next time sue makes a jibe, stand up for yourself.

You can be simple and say "That's very mean" or something like that. Whatever she says, do not back down. It is not a joke, it is not a just a slagging, and there is nothing that you've done to deserve it

You're offended - tell her!

Ursus Horribilis

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

You're infantilising your sister like she's one of your children.

You've put words to what has been rattling around in my mind! There seems to be something unbalanced going on here. What I don't get is why you're so full of guilt. Not just about the current situation but because you have healthy children and your sibling doesn't. Sounds to me like you could do with talking to somebody!


I doubt very much that your sibling is as helpless as you seem to think they are. It's amazing what people are capable of doing once they've got no choice but to look after themselves. And for the vast vast majority of people, they discover that they're more resilient and resourceful than they thought they were. Something tells me your sibling has never had to face into that. It's time they did.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You've put words to what has been rattling around in my mind! There seems to be something unbalanced going on here. What I don't get is why you're so full of guilt. Not just about the current situation but because you have healthy children and your sibling doesn't. Sounds to me like you could do with talking to somebody!

.

I’ve never seen our relationship as unbalanced, I regarded it simply as one sibling looking out for another but you might have a valid point. We are what people call Irish Twins, there is less than a year between us. Growing up my parents made it clear to me that things didn’t come as easily to sibling A and I should help them. Sibling A has always sought my help, it’s not that I am going around looking for opportunities to interfere in their life.

wiggle16

Your sibling is having it all their own way with you, OP. You give them an unwavering listening ear and support... and in return they put you down and make jabs at you. There are ways to make yourself heard while being civil:

That's really mean. Don't talk about my marriage/spouse/kids/life like that again;

It's a pity that you can't be happy for me;

It's really hurtful that you have to be so negative about my marriage/spouse/life all the time;

I didn't tell you about XYZ because whenever I do you make some smart comment about it, and that's not fair to me.

+1 to December2012. Tell sibling A how you feel, how they are making you feel. You're not their punchbag.

And OP... please do not dare give up that chance to travel with your kids because you're afraid how sibling A will cope alone. Don't be so stupid, I'm sorry if that's harsh but you need to hear it. They're already coping alone. You're not around them 24/7 - and as we have said multiple times in the thread, they will not move on from this until you step back and stop the hand holding. This opportunity is a blessing in disguise in more ways than one.

You sound like a wonderful sister/brother and you have gone above and beyond for your sibling. Do not let their mistake affect your life any further.

Ursus Horribilis

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

I’ve never seen our relationship as unbalanced, I regarded it simply as one sibling looking out for another but you might have a valid point. We are what people call Irish Twins, there is less than a year between us. Growing up my parents made it clear to me that things didn’t come as easily to sibling A and I should help them. Sibling A has always sought my help, it’s not that I am going around looking for opportunities to interfere in their life.

From an outside perspective, the relationship seems unbalanced. It's not coming across as being a regular sibling one but more of a parent/child one. Your comment about your parents encouraging this explains a lot. I'm sure they meant well but it has probably led to Sibling A being enabled and cosseted. Indulged, even.


I never intended you to think that you've been going around looking for opportunities to interfere in their life. I didn't spot that in anyone else's posts either. The point we're trying to make to you is that you're over-indulging your sibling and it's harming you and them. Lots of people have lives that don't go their way and they manage to keep going, regardless. Your sibling needs to do that too and not have you to drag out of like a mammy.

SirChenjin

A lot of good advice already given, OP. I'm not going to add much more except that I notice you mention guilt, a lot.
Guilt is a wasted emotion. Think about it.

You come across as a very kind and caring person. If needs be, seek professional help for yourself to figure things out. It must be so difficult if your parents set up this expectation that you have to almost carry this sibling, for whatever reason. Not easy to shake yourself free of that.

Don't miss out on the opportunity that has come your way through your promotion.
You know the advice that is given on flights in the event of an emergency, sort out your own life jacket and whatever else first before attending to anyone else.

Mind yourself.

Sibling Troubles

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

During every conversation I have with Sibling A they tell me how awful their life is and I feel so guilty.

Sibling trouble wrote: »

They feel the world is against them and I’m consumed with guilt when I leave them alone. I’m afraid of what the future holds for them. I just can’t bring myself to walk away.

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

I feel guilty that I have healthy 2 children and my sibling's life is more difficult. I am completely racked with guilt.

... if I go I will feel guilty that I have been able to afford to take the time off and take my children away. It's a never ending cycle of guilt.

I actually think you need counselling as much as your sibling! This level of guilt for having a normal, happy life is abnormal. Whatever about coping with your sibling, you need to look into why you are feeling so much guilt.

Sibling Troubles wrote: »

Growing up my parents made it clear to me that things didn’t come as easily to sibling A and I should help them.

This would be a good place to start.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I actually think you need counselling as much as your sibling! This level of guilt for having a normal, happy life is abnormal. Whatever about coping with your sibling, you need to look into why you are feeling so much guilt.

Thank you for your concern JB, you may well be right but I don’t feel the need to attend counseling at present. What this thread has shown me is that I’m not the selfish person I thought I was.

The use/overuse of the word guilt is only because I am overwhelmed and acutely stressed state at the moment. I’ve been reluctant to discuss my feelings in RL. This thread has been very helpful, the anonymity of this thread has afforded me an opportunity to rant to kind strangers.

Going back to the guilt issue - I’m extremely grateful to have healthy children, obviously I don’t feel guilty about that but sometimes when I take care of Siblings A children, I see first hand how challenging it is to have to care for a child with very complex medical needs. I can’t help thinking that could have been me if things were different. I feel compelled to help Sibling A mainly because of their sick child.

I am now willing to accept that sibling A is probably manipulating me to some extent and perhaps the jibes are their way of making me help out more.

shesty

Ah.Those last couple of posts explains a hell of a lot OP.

Firstly.Take your promotion, take your kids and go travelling.What exactly do you think either you or your sibling would gain by you staying at home for the two months?Helping is one thing, but you need to be free to go about your own life and make your own family decisions without taking your sister's "needs" into account.

It was unfair of your parents to hoist that kind of responsibility on you, so to speak.You are not responsible for your sibling, but clearly out of a lifetime of habit, you now both view it that way.If your parents don't pick up the pieces, she turns to you to do it.The biggest favour you can do her is step back.

And stop feeling guilty!I mean exactly how much control do any of us have over whether we get to have healthy kids or not??None,basically.You could not and cannot control this, any more than she can, so put it to one side and forget about it.Help her out sure, but stop making a martyr out of yourself (or letting her make a martyr out of herself) over the whole thing.

As for her decision to have an affair, well she made the decision apparently with no thought to the consequences -including being a single mother to three kids.She knew her circumstances yet she went ahead and did it anyway.Once more,not your problem.You had no control over that and you can't fix it for her.She can't make decisions like that then come running for someone else to tidy the mess up "because things don't come easily to her".

You definitely need to step back and stop trying to sort your sister's life.Let her stand on her own two feet and sort her own decisions out-she was able enough to do it when she was making some bad ones.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

The implication in "things are difficult for your sister" is "things are easy for you" and I'd imagine that's partly the source of both your guilt and your sister's resentment. It's a pretty common dynamic in irish-twin siblings, in my observation. Because the ages are so close each are acutely aware when the same milestones aren't being hit at the same time, when the exact same peer group are friendly with one and allergic to the other etc.

But your sister being a difficult person doesn't mean that you have some kind of charmed, privileged existence for which you need to apologise; you're a normal, well adjusted person who's made good choices (or at least not made the catastrophic ones she has), that's all. The guilt you're feeling is understandable and up to a point is a good reflection on your character but frankly things are going beyond that point. How guilty will you feel for missing this trip with your kids? How guilty will you feel when she's still stuck in this pity party for herself in five years, when if you hadn't enabled it she might have been forced to snap out of it? You indulging her like this is a kind of instant gratification for both of you, she gets the sympathetic, non-challenging audience she wants and you get to avoid those feelings of guilt. In the short term. In the medium to long term, it's no good for either of you.

You're realising this now, but your sister is finding it more difficult, and you're going to have to help her.

The hows and whys and morality and wisdom of how she got here are actually basically irrelevant, here she is. She is in a very difficult situation, living beside the in-laws sounds hellish and I fully believe that in a rural area with her a blow in (and I'd hazard a guess a talent for rubbing people up wrong) that people would be delighted to get the boot in.

I think an immediate escalation to shutting things down when she starts on, withholding company or support or telling her "tough sh1t it's your own fault" is the wrong way to go, even if you were the type to get some fleeting satisfaction from it, which you don't seem to be. The advice up thread to slowly start gentle reprimand of jealous or resentful comments and then escalate in frequency and firmness is good. Make yourself less available but not unavailable. Do as much as you can to get her back to a counsellor, you'll know yourself if approaching it as "I'm not able to listen to this anymore, you need a therapist" will fly.

This trip could be a good opportunity to start this process with her. "Look I'm going to be away for the summer, I'd feel a lot better if you were in a better place but I'm not passing up this opportunity."

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't even explain to her that you're going to be away. You don't need her approval, or her permission. Her problems aren't yours. I'd let her know, in exactly the same way as you're letting your other family members know. As a done deal. Don't apologise for going. Don't make it sound like it's something that should in any way affect her.

For too long you've taken on responsibility for her. Why, as a child, did things not come easy to her? Maybe your parents treating her like some sort of hopeless case has been a self fulfilling prophecy.

Either way, she was capable enough to get married, buy/build a home, have children and then embark on an affair. Maybe she's not as helpless as you all allow her to believe. A number of people have asked and I don't think you've answered, but has anything she has ever said led you to believe that she is capable of 'doing something stupid' if you pull the plug on her. Or is that you again taking on responsibility for something that you don't need to.

There is a dynamic present since her birth, where you mind her, you molly-codddle her, you smooth things out for her and make life easy for her so that she doesn't have to deal with difficult situations. That's something that is now expected of you, and by her. Her friends, her in-laws and other family members have stopped pandering to her. For your own sake you should do the same.
She'll be fine. Personalities like that always are. Once one well dries up they find another one soon enough. You might be surprised to find out if you were less available, that she would quickly have another person lined up to listen to her.

December2012

So from your further posts, it seems as if you and Sibling A are stuck in a very bad habit, that probably formed in childhood. You are told to watch out for her, and even though you are only about a year older, you were / are expected to act more mature/ responsible/ older than your age, and she was facilitated to act younger / be allowed to be immature / irresponsible.

(Dare I suggest, that might be why your life is successful right now, because you are responsible and are a nursing person who works hard? Maybe her lack of confidence in her own ability to cope has got her to where she is now?)

Its neither of your faults, its a bad habit that your parents seem to have encouraged, but I wouldn't necessarily blame them either. Its just one of those things. The good thing is now that you have realised it and want to stop your part in the chain. It seems like Sibling B has stayed out of this cycle?

It is now time for her to get out of her negative spin by herself. You will do her no favours if you keep facilitating her, plamasing her and letting her slag you off and encourage you to feel guilty.

You can still help with your niece/ nephew. You can still be a good sibling, and a friend. You are not a
a) doormat
b) counsellor
c) whipping boy
d) person with nothing else going on in their life.

If she's a good person, then she will eventually thrive.

BTW she doesn't even have to realise that you are changing the cycle. You can limit your time and go on your own life. As I said before, stand up for yourself if she says anything bad. Keep your patience, and stay calm.

And look into a bit of counselling or reflection for yourself about why you allow her to put you down.

good luck to you and both your siblings.

fineso.mom

I had a friend s bit like your sister..she used to call me multiple times in the day and want long long chats about whatever problem she was focussed on at the time. I'd listen,give advice and try to keep an eye on my 3 young children while wondering what excuse I could give to hang up. I'd often pretend one of the kids had fallen or there was someone at the door just so I could get off the phone. Then I'd feel guilty even though I knew she would ring back a few hours later and basically repeat everything again. I was drained from it. If I didnt answer the phone she would just keep calling until I did.
Finally I got sense when she rang one day and my 3yr old (who recognised the ringtone for 'jane"),said "oh no!its jane dont answer it mom ..you"ll be talking for aaaaages". Light bulb moment , and I thought.." what the hell am I doing?".
I knew I couldnt just ignore my friend, I cared about her. Also hate confrontation and she gets defensive so I couldnt face telling her either.
So I came up with my 'every second time' plan. I simply stopped answering every call, ignored all the missed calls or sent a text saying i was busy and would ring later. I just made myself less available . I also started changing the subject once I'd listened to a problem and given my advice. Then if she repeated the same problem again later I'd just say " yeah its a pain isnt it,but like i said earlier i think you should do xyz..oh! did you hear John is engaged/Aldi is opening/great weather coming...."
Basically OP to make a long story short , I didnt desert her but I took a step back and slowly stopped entertaining her. You can still support your sister but maybe try every second time instead of every time she calls you/looks for help.

LegacyUser

I’ve read over all the posts in the thread a few times this weekend. I’ve received some very helpful advice - thank you. I’ve decided to go travelling with my family in July & August. The promotion allows me a rare chance to take time off as my new role won’t start until September. My teenagers aren’t doing exams and they’re still young enough not to be too embarrassed by their mother so it’s this summer or never.

I’ve been given sibling a’s situation a great deal of thought over the last week. My house will be vacant for 2 months and I’m thinking about offering my home to them to use at weekends when they’re not working and the children are with sibling a’s spouse. I thought it provide them with a opportunity to get away from their in-laws and perhaps a change of environment might help them re-build their life. Is this a good idea or would it be a mistake?

Big Bag of Chips

No!! Why are you still taking responsibility? What happens when you come home? Do they still come to you every weekend, or do you tell them they can't come any longer.

Why, after everything posted do you still feel it is your responsibility to piece her life back together? She's an adult. If she wants to get away for the odd weekend, she can go somewhere. If living next door to her in laws in so unbearable she can sell up and move. Basically, if her life needs changes made to it to become better then it's up to her to decide what it is she wants to do.

What does your own partner/husband think about all this?

I don't know if my husband would be too happy with me playing "mammy" to my grown up sibling who caused her own problems and doesn't seem bothered about sorting her own issues out preferring instead to lean on me and somehow make me responsible for her life and guilty for living my own life.

She's not your responsibility. The more you make her your responsibility, the more she will expect from you. And the more you will feel you need to do for her.

Dial Hard

Sibling Troubles wrote:

I’ve been given sibling a’s situation a great deal of thought over the last week. My house will be vacant for 2 months and I’m thinking about offering my home to them to use at weekends when they’re not working and the children are with sibling a’s spouse. I thought it provide them with a opportunity to get away from their in-laws and perhaps a change of environment might help them re-build their life. Is this a good idea or would it be a mistake?

This is a huge mistake and it's just yet more guilt making you think of even making the offer.

Where are the rest of your family in this scenario, OP? Have you a partner? Because they must have the patience of a saint. Parents and Sibling B? Where are they? Why are you seemingly the ONLY person in this entire situation shouldering the guilt-load you seem intent needs to be carried???

I suspect the rest of your family know well what sibling A is like and just don't entertain her nonsense. The fact that your parents seem to have partially created this monster makes that even more annoying.

Wise up, OP. Seriously.

wiggle16

It's kind of like you can't just take with one hand, you feel the need to give with the other. Seriously OP you would just be making a rod for your own back.

You arrive in your first destination. Cue messages and phonecalls about the house.

"Hi Sis. Can't get the dishwasher/washing machine/toaster to work. Am I doing something wrong?"

"Does the green bin go out on a Monday or is it the black bin?"

"I put out the wrong bin. There's only one bag though. Might ask next door if they'll put it out with theirs this week?"

"Asked next door. The puss on your neighbour, you'd swear I was asking her to hide a body in the bin! Still nothing compared to what the neighbours are like out my way, as you know!"


Not to mention the snide comments you may get about your McMansion, seeing how she can't let you away with having anything nice!

I know I'm being a bit faceitious but I'm sure when you think about it, you know this is exactly what will happen. If it is so bad where she lives she should cut her losses and move. That place is not going to get any better, the locals have made their mind up that she's sh*t on her doorstep and she's no longer welcome. Personally I don't think she deserves that but people are small minded.

Basically while I think under different circumstances (such as with sibling this would be a very nice offer. With sibling A, I think it would be a very bad idea and not one you should even mention to her.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think you should rule out the suggestion of going to talk to a counsellor. It can help to bounce things off somebody who is impartial. Even though you have clearly taken a lot of the advice here in board, your mindset is still off. You still have this deep-seated urge to carry your sibling (a sister, I'm assuming) and baby them. Your trip abroad is a golden opportunity for you to establish boundaries between you and your sibling. To potentially make them stand on their own two feet. Yet you have come up with this terrible plan.

I think your family's cossetting and enabling of your sibling might be at the root of why they had that affair in the first place. They didn't think about the consequences because they've probably never had to suffer them. Who wouldn't love to have someone to bail them out when things go wrong?

Your sibling needs to figure out for themselves where they go from here. Ideally, it entails them moving away from where they're living now. You sticking your oar in has the potential to cause no end of problems. I don't doubt that you meant well but it's a bad idea.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with Ursus, OP. You dismissed the idea of counselling earlier, but it might be something that could be hugely beneficial for you. You are knotted up in a very unhealthy relationship with your sister. You know its unhealthy. It's why you started this thread. Yet you can't seem to find the means to pull away from this.

It's completely understandable, by the way. It comes from a lifetime of treating her differently. That's not something you can just stop. But it is something you are now realising cant continue. It might help to go to counselling to explore how you got to this point, and to realise you have a choice.

Ursus Horribilis

Offering someone the use of your house is fine if they're the sort of person who respects boundaries and doesn't have the baggage your sister does. One of the biggest issues she has is a refusal to accept responsibility for her actions or to do anything to change things. Having your house as an alternative place to stay (just at weekends??) is simply going to help her bury her head in the sand for longer. I actually think this idea is more harmful and intrusive than those 4-5 hour talkathons.

shesty

No. You are coming from a good place OP, but no. It would be totally counter-productive. You don't have to provide for her because you are going away. Just plan your holiday and don't look back.


Put it this way - would she do that for you?

December2012

Also this makes me think that you aren't may be asked for all of the help you give, but you volunteer it? Because you thought of this without her raising it at all and as compensation or a sweetener for her for you living your life and going on holiday

qwerty13

What did your parents mean that things didn’t come easy for Sibling A? And were they good parents to you and your siblings? It just feels as though they dumped an awful lot on you, a child of almost the same age - for no reason that you’ve explained. Maybe there just is no reason. It seems quite odd though, for this ‘you’re to make their life easier’ to be so ingrained in you.

*** You are not their parent, and they are not your responsibility.***

I know if feels difficult to you not to jump in both feet first, and stay behind from your trip to ‘help’ them. Which i reckon is why you are trying to assuage your misplaced guilt by offering them your house.

Like others, I can only say that it is an absolutely dreadful idea. Instead of establishing some form of boundaries with your sibling - you are removing the ultimate boundary: your home being your own private space. And you think things are bad / stressful at the moment?!?

I honestly think you can’t see the wood for the trees OP, and that you should very seriously reconsider your views on counselling (as in you attending it). And soon.

SirChenjin

No, OP, absolutely not.

I'm one of the posters who recommended that you seek professional help to try to unpick the effect of this dependence that seems to have been foisted upon you, from an early age. It's not easy.

Your sibling is now an adult. And the same as any of the rest of us, she can make (good or bad) decisions for herself. Unfortunately the decision to have an affair led to the situation in which she now finds herself. That does not give her the right to treat you badly and be spiteful. It really doesn't.

Please do take note of what has been advised about backing away. Under no circumstances should you offer your house. None.