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What's the etiquette here??

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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Funny one there this morning, made my 5 year old son cry from a foul smelling fart I did.

    Usually we get a great laugh out of one anothers farts but there was something different this morning.

    I let one rip right in his face(his height makes this handy) as we entered the kitchen.

    Normally he would be in convulsions of laughter but he went stoic silent. "What's that smell dad?" he asked, eyes beginning to well up. I farted son says I, then his face turned to anger "That's not fair!" he shouts. Then as the tears were streaming down his face he murmurs "It smells like raw eggs and poison".

    Memories like this he will cherish.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Oh lads I fancy a prawn vindaloo tonight.

    Vindaloo, chips, naan, samosa, rice and banana fritters from the Chinese. I will wash this down with a few cans of Guinness before Game of Thrones starts.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,612 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    padd b1975 wrote: »
    The style over there is not to have an ensuite crapper.
    Instead, they have a door directly from the master bedroom to the "throne room".

    Sorry, P, but is that not the definition of an “en suite” bathroom?

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Oh lads I fancy a prawn vindaloo tonight.

    Vindaloo, chips, naan, samosa, rice and banana fritters from the Chinese. I will wash this down with a few cans of Guinness before Game of Thrones starts.


    Put the baby wipes in the freezer


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,612 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    Serious question time here now lads.

    What is your stance on wiping technique? some do it standing up once the turf is out of the bucket. Others opt to wipe away on the starfish while still sitting down.

    Also, opinions on wet/baby wipes?

    Ah, G, we’d be here all day if we starting talking “technique” when it comes to “polishing the badge”.

    Always found standing up to be quite cumbersome. I mean, I’m there to sit and contemplate, and to overuse my phone, of course, so I only want to get up when I’m ready to go and can’t feel my legs.

    A simple lean coupled with a raise of the arse cheek is enough to get “the job” done. Wholly effective. But there is a third option, not widely practised and for good reason.

    This would be the method of going “down and under” and then back to front. This can inevitable lead to getting a pissy hand and a shítty “barse” or, worse still, ball sac. If you get the skills you can avoid these and really get in there for a “deep” clean but if you haven’t by now then I would say it’s too late to start.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Oh lord I've been standing to wipe my arse my entire life. Some of you lads must have rather extended prolapsed knots if you can reach around under your cheeks for a rub while remaining seated. And would you not be worried you'd get chite or pubes on your sleeve or wrist when you're sliding your hand around? Some of you lads make me sick with your talk.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Standing Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Ah, G, we’d be here all day if we starting talking “technique” when it comes to “polishing the badge”.

    Always found standing up to be quite cumbersome. I mean, I’m there to sit and contemplate, and to overuse my phone, of course, so I only want to get up when I’m ready to go and can’t feel my legs.

    A simple lean coupled with a raise of the arse cheek is enough to get “the job” done. Wholly effective. But there is a third option, not widely practised and for good reason.

    This would be the method of going “down and under” and then back to front. This can inevitable lead to getting a pissy hand and a shítty “barse” or, worse still, ball sac. If you get the skills you can avoid these and really get in there for a “deep” clean but if you haven’t by now then I would say it’s too late to start.

    Women do that method more apparently, or so I've been told, I don't believe it myself - women don't poo.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Boom_Bap wrote: »
    Standing Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yeah, surely you would end up with your arse cheeks chock full of sh*te? Seems messy to me.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Ush1 wrote: »
    Yeah, surely you would end up with your arse cheeks chock full of sh*te? Seems messy to me.

    In sixty pages this is the most disturbing reveal yet.

    No way am I reaching around under my own sweaty loins with the sleeve of my shirt brushing up against the plastic palace where the last lad's grease is still affixed, groping around for my smelly freckle from a diagonal angle all the while chaffing against anal debris, vile sawdust and curly blacks with my starched cotton. Genuinely disturbed.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    In sixty pages this is the most disturbing reveal yet.

    No way am I reaching around under my own sweaty loins with the sleeve of my shirt brushing up against the plastic palace where the last lad's grease is still affixed, groping around for my smelly freckle from a diagonal angle all the while chaffing against anal debris, vile sawdust and curly blacks with my starched cotton. Genuinely disturbed.

    You misunderstand. I'm saying standing up and penguining around the cubicle is madness.

    With the sitting down, you lean forward and shift your weight also in that direction so you're perched nicely on the front of the bowl, giving your arm handy access to your dirty bullet hole via the back "over the top". Only some sick monster would be shoving the hand deep into the nethers between your legs and wiping from the front.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Ush1 wrote: »
    You misunderstand. I'm saying standing up and penguining around the cubicle is madness.

    With the sitting down, you lean forward and shift your weight also in that direction so you're perched nicely on the front of the bowl, giving your arm handy access to your dirty bullet hole via the back "over the top". Only some sick monster would be shoving the hand deep into the nethers between your legs and wiping from the front.

    I'm giving this a run now on my office chair, trying to ease over on to one buttock to provide access from the opposite side but I'm struggling. Perhaps I haven't developed the muscles.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Surely once you stand up pre wipe you are mashing the paste onto both cheeks and filling the gap causing a seal of sorts.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Sorry I misread. We're trying to gain access from the rear, not the flank. I dunno, would you knot be worried about bits of chite and globs of grease and debris from the back edge and undercarriage of the toilet seat weaseling their way onto your shirt sleeve as you coil around?


  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Roll up your bleedin sleeve.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,612 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    I'm giving this a run now on my office chair, trying to ease over on to one buttock to provide access from the opposite side but I'm struggling. Perhaps I haven't developed the muscles.

    This article gives a good breakdown of the subject:

    https://brobible.com/life/article/butt-wiping-technique/

    According to the author, you “standers” make up 50% of the people he’s consulted so it’s a perfectly acceptable technique.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



  • Registered Users Posts: 926 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    What sort of dirty animal can't wipe their hole without getting sh1te on their sleeve?


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Sorry I misread. We're trying to gain access from the rear, not the flank. I dunno, would you knot be worried about bits of chite and globs of grease and debris from the back edge and undercarriage of the toilet seat weaseling their way onto your shirt sleeve as you coil around?

    These are very real risks that must be taken in to consideration however they can be mitigated. Rolling up of sleeves and making sure you get a good lean forward, if necessary cup your c*ck, balls and scrotum and let them flop down from inside the bowl to the outer region, fully on show. There will be piss dribbles sure, but with feet far enough apart they will gently plink onto the tiles below, rather than your shoes.

    This all ensures a good "feed zone" for the wiping from the back.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    You stand up off the seat with your legs placed firmly on the ground with good spacing. You half-lean forward and pucker the lips of your angus in preparation for contact. There is no smearing. Every man in this country stands. This reach around method you fellows are describing is vile.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    I am a stander or really more of a squatter but a word of caution.

    This only happened a few months ago. Basically later on in the day at work having delivered my payload I did note a unmistakable whiff of buckshot but ignored it.

    Later on I was just adjusting my belt and shirt and again a funny smell.

    That night at home getting undressed I noted a hardened brown stain on the tail of my shirt and on my belt. Instinctively I though some chocolate or biscuit I must have sat on but no my a darkest fears were realised.

    Basically I worked out that when I wiped some dark matter went rogue and made a bid for freedom- a piece of wet **** dropped down on to my trousers at the belt line. Unknown to me I buckled up and of carried on. It promptly smeared my shirt, top of my trousers and belt.

    I am more careful now.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    I was a lifelong stander myself, never even considered the aul sit down method, until one day, an eye opening thread opened on Boards about it.

    I mostly stand still, but on the odd occasion, i will treat myself to a sit wipe. Its very effective. The aul Leather Cheerio does be ever so slightly puckered, allowing for more effective cleaning


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    To the standers, your cheeks will inevitably be in more contact than the sitters so how do you get right in to the red zone so to speak since your legs are locked together doing the penguin by your jocks.

    I could see how this could work if you were some mentallist who hooped one foot, shoe and all out of the entanglement of the jocks and could perform a deep squat.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    I think that the standers are saying that they get into a ski pose, or that of a jockey getting ready for a jump.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Boom_Bap wrote: »
    Surely once you stand up pre wipe you are mashing the paste onto both cheeks and filling the gap causing a seal of sorts.

    You don't stand up straight!
    You are at an angle, your arsehole cheeks are still open.

    Polish the sheriffs badge with decently folded paper.

    This is school boy stuff lads.


  • Registered Users Posts: 926 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Boom_Bap wrote: »
    I think that the standers are saying that they get into a ski pose, or that of a jockey getting ready for a jump.

    This is the position i adopt. Like the Eddie the Eagle or Lester Piggott of arse wiping.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,718 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975


    Sorry, P, but is that not the definition of an “en suite” bathroom?

    Absolutely not.

    The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

    There is no ensuite bathroom.


  • Registered Users Posts: 926 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    padd b1975 wrote: »
    Absolutely not.

    The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

    There is no ensuite bathroom.

    So you've to lock two doors if you need some discretion whilst using the facilities?? :mad:


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    padd b1975 wrote: »
    Absolutely not.

    The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

    There is no ensuite bathroom.

    Two doors? Feckin danger there if i ever heard it. You could be in laying down a length of wavin and be disturbed mid crimp. Though it'd possibly be more embarrasing to be walking in on when you'd be tackling the mud dungeon with toilet roll


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,612 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    padd b1975 wrote: »
    Absolutely not.

    The main bathroom has two doors, one from the hallway and one from the master bedroom.

    There is no ensuite bathroom.

    I get you now, wasn’t clear that there was a second door in your post. I believe that’s what’s know as a “Jack and Jill” bathroom, an abomination in my opinion.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,763 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    Two doors? Feckin danger there if i ever heard it. You could be in laying down a length of wavin and be disturbed mid crimp. Though it'd possibly be more embarrasing to be walking in on when you'd be tackling the mud dungeon with toilet roll

    :D "Mud Dungeon"


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