What's the etiquette here??

Utter Consternation

Aglomerado wrote: »

I could keep Sh1tistical tables! I'll put it on my PooMDS.

I'm sure you could put it on your dashboard for your periodical meetings.

A pie or flow chart perhaps?

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You should have a chess clock on your desk. Give it a slap every time someone walks by. Make them paranoid that you're timing them.

No one likes taking a dump under pressure.

Heard of a lad who works for the ESB and has never once failed to take a dump on the clock in his 38 year career.

Aglomerado

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'm sure you could put it on your dashboard for your periodical meetings.

A pie or flow chart perhaps?

Pie for poo, flow for wee. A box and whisker plot for those stubborn outliers.
Gantt chart to measure time wasting.
Sounds like a good job spec for a HEO

Former Observer

What's the deal with people dropping their slacks and suit pants to their ankles in public bathrooms leaving the fabric shimmy up against the side of the dirty porcelain bowl, chaffing little pieces of chite that have been missed by cleaners, as well as pubes, urine and the odd glob of spit? Whenever I go for a slash in the toilet nearest me I always see expensive leather shoes and Con Murphy Menswear slung down firmly embracing the toilet and floor around some pale pink pimply legs. It takes all my concentrate not to put a name to shoes/pants.

When I go for a chite I go on my haunches and if necessary pinch my trousers so they don't collapse, and never a strand of fabric ever touches the porcelain splash bowl.

partyguinness

Fcuk it things are not good. Broke a golden rule Tuesday night. Watching Villa v. West Brom. Went to extra time and penos. Not normally up that late and never eat past 7pm.

What did I do? I tucked into 2 large bowls of muesli at 10pm and suffering since. Have dropped 3 incomplete payloads today and I know there is at least 2 more in there.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard of a lad who works for the ESB and has never once failed to take a dump on the clock in his 38 year career.

That's a solid practice. I'd rather sh1t on someone elses dime.

Utter Consternation

Former Observer wrote: »

What's the deal with people dropping their slacks and suit pants to their ankles in public bathrooms leaving the fabric shimmy up against the side of the dirty porcelain bowl, chaffing little pieces of chite that have been missed by cleaners, as well as pubes, urine and the odd glob of spit? Whenever I go for a slash in the toilet nearest me I always see expensive leather shoes and Con Murphy Menswear slung down firmly embracing toilet and floor around some pale pink pimply legs. It takes all my concentrate not to put a name to shoes/pants.

When I go for a chite I go on my haunches and if necessary pinch my trousers so they don't collapse, and never a strand of fabric ever touches the porcelain splash bowl.

Very observant, Former Observer. Do you have mirrors attached to the toes of your shoes?

Aglomerado

Utter Consternation wrote: »

That's a solid practice. I'd rather sh1t on someone elses dime.

Hehe. 'solid'. I used to work in a call centre, glorified sweat shop. Having to use a swipe card to access the bogs was the limit.

Former Observer

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Very observant, Former Observer. Do you have mirrors attached to the toes of your shoes?

No need, it's a small bathroom with the urinal right next to the cubicle. I could gain access to cubicle without even crawling such is the height of the floor gap.

Former Observer

Utter Consternation wrote: »

That's a solid practice. I'd rather sh1t on someone elses dime.

Only chite at home about twice a week.

Utter Consternation

Former Observer wrote: »

Only chite at home about twice a week.

I'm an AM sh1tter. Saturday and Sunday morning in the jacks under the stairs at home after the full Irish.

You could set your watch by it.

Former Observer

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'm an AM sh1tter. Saturday and Sunday morning in the jacks under the stairs at home after the full Irish.

You could set your watch by it.

I say I only go for a chite three or maybe four times a week. The only time I chite at home is on the weekends. Girlfriend is the opposite. Always on the pot.

Kermit.de.frog

classiest.thread.ever

Hotblack Desiato

partyguinness wrote: »

1. You will be very hungry
2. You will lose weight

Yeah and this was the stuff the Brits sent us during the Famine ffs.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard of a lad who works for the ESB and has never once failed to take a dump on the clock in his 38 year career.

Must be difficult on a long weekend.

Aglomerado wrote: »

I don't like colleagues knowing that I'm about to release a scud missile down the u bend. So I walk further out to the main bog block that sees a fraction of the traffic and I have a choice of 4 sparkling bowls. Luxury.

"I see Aglomerado's off on one of his little walks again"
"Must be going for a sh!te"

Aglomerado

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

"I see Aglomerado's off on one of his little walks again"
"Must be going for a sh!te"

Aahh you see there are many more amenities near the main bog block...water coolers, printers, photocopiers etc etc. Walk around with a sheet of A4, no one suspects. And it doubles as Jax roll if the stationery office have sent their usual order of single ply non absorbent bumwad.

partyguinness

Aglomerado wrote: »

Aahh you see there are many more amenities near the main bog block...water coolers, printers, photocopiers etc etc. Walk around with a sheet of A4, no one suspects. And it doubles as Jax roll if the stationery office have sent their usual order of single ply non absorbent bumwad.

The Golden Rule in any office environment- Never ever walk around without something in your hand.

I will walk to the jaks with a cup in hand and then start crashing about to give the impression I am dissappreaing off to make a coffee but dip in to drop some Napalm.

gerrybbadd

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

classiest.thread.ever

Sticking.with.the.username.theme.anyhow

magentis

Kermit.de.frog wrote: »

classiest.thread.ever

Nothing to be ashamed of,sometimes one has to;

emit.the.log.

Former Observer

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

I wonder if you just ate sweet corn for a couple of days what would you produce.that would be a good experiment for the myth busters

I may do this experiment and will post pictures of the result.

Just sweetcorn, butter, and white wine for three days.

Hotblack Desiato

You trying to get the thread shut down or what?

Pero_Bueno

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

You trying to get the thread shut down or what?

I hope he means descriptions!!

Doctors room ghost

I did a fart this evening in the bog,footing a bit of turf.it nearly blew a hole in the back of my pants although that was more to do with rage from being in the bog as opposed to diet.
Even the dog looked up at me and she normally doesn’t be bothered by farts.
I had to stand a minute and make sure nothing had followed through.lucky says I laughing and went back about my work.

Former Observer

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

You trying to get the thread shut down or what?

Don't worry it'll be a members only thing.

greengiant@bakerscreek.net

Password: kernel82

Former Observer

A little bit of gasping this morning. A short intake of breath followed by an exhale, a few centimeters of crowning, and then back inside it goes like one of those turtles you smash on the head at the fairground with a hammer and they pop back inside and then the little fecker is gone... SO.... I dropped no loaf and the critter is back bobbing around in there and will probably want to be released later in the day

gerrybbadd

I'm in a bad way myself this morning.

Herself at home made a chicken Dhansak for the dinner last night. Twas grand and all, but by feck did it fill me with wind. Had a happy enough night letting howitzers off in the bed. Room was shtink though this morning.

Went off for the morning session there, and got some land when i seen the skidders in the jocks. You wouldn't see a JCB leaving them in a muddy field.

Hector Savage

Got up early this morning, felt a bit of mass down below in the hull, nothing budging tho, not enough body on the f*cker .... I said to myself, I'll head into work have a coffee and that should get the old sh!t factory operating at full capacity.

Sure enough after my first coffee was goose stepping into the jax and there was a small contained semi nuclear blast in the 2nd cubicle that russian satellites picked up.

ah relief .... on my 3rd cup now and again can feel the stirrings below.

gerrybbadd

Serious question time here now lads.

What is your stance on wiping technique? some do it standing up once the turf is out of the bucket. Others opt to wipe away on the starfish while still sitting down.

Also, opinions on wet/baby wipes?

Former Observer

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Others opt to wipe away on the starfish while still sitting down.

You'll have to explain this to me. How can you scrub the nub while the cheeks are still planted on the plastic?

On the topic of babywipes: Absolute euphoria and any man that says different is lying to himself. Remove 90% of the grain and prune juice with regular roll and then fold a baby wipe twice over one finger. Swipe. Then repeat for the glory wipe. Heaven on earth. Freshtastic.

padd b1975

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be difficult on a long weekend.

Difficult? Yes.

Impossible? No.

I remember some years ago myself and the ex wife went to visit some friends of hers in Holland.

The style over there is not to have an ensuite crapper.
Instead, they have a door directly from the master bedroom to the "throne room".
Obviously what's deemed acceptable for a nation of baked sexual deviants wasn't really a good fit for someone who values the opportunity to "ponder on life's philosophy" uninterrupted.

Needless to say, my only course of action was to warm up the sphincters with a few reps and block out any potential distractions.

Long story short the end cubicle in Dublin Airport arrivals didn't know what hit it late on Sunday night.

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Serious question time here now lads.

What is your stance on wiping technique? some do it standing up once the turf is out of the bucket. Others opt to wipe away on the starfish while still sitting down.

Also, opinions on wet/baby wipes?

The bigger the unit the better ground zero is cleared

Lad I knew at college swore by the ‘dishcloth’ method.

Dampen a dishcloth and apparently one can scrub the button heartily and remove any clag and clinkers easily and leave the button like a burnished old penny.

Quick rinse and shake out to clear the arse raisins, fuze wire,and she’s ready for use again.

Can be brought back ‘into service’ at a pinch if there is any machinery breakdown .

Cheaper option...