What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

gerrybbadd wrote: »

There's a worrying new phenomena occuring here at present, and it's annoyed me no length.

As of late, all of the toilets have been fitted with timed lights. If the motion sensor embedded in the roof doesn't pick up movement in ten minutes, it turns the lights off. Now thats all well and good, Greta would be stroking the pigtails of herself in delight.

However, the sensor is in the middle of the ceiling, and cannot be picked up by movement in the traps. I've been "caught short" more than once, where I might be in blowing out a musket load of loose scutter, or indeed, may be waiting for a McNugget to drop off the purse lips, which, as you fellas that don't wax or shave the badge know, can take a bit of time.

There's few things worse in this life than having to "paw" at the mahogany knot while in the dark. You give the game away totally if you have to put on the flashlight on your phone. So i tend to sit in the darkness waiting for someone to walk in and "relight" the room.

Mighty sense of pride though when you've left a "breath taker" and that person walks into a wall of darkness and scent, with a swift gasp and a "tut, cursah fúck on it"

We have a similar thing, but we don't even have 10 minutes - more like 3 !!!
I think Greta herself came here to personally install them while lecturing us on the way out the office screaming HOW DARE YOU!!!

Anyway, the good thing is it's lights per trap so the sensor will pick you up again whilst seated - problem is sometimes you need to really wave your hands, so it's like you are trying to swat a bee away .... feck sake can't even take a nice long company paid sh*te anymore...

Fireball81

Often get caught out at work when using the disabled facilities, just have to move around while seated to trigger the sensor, can be difficult when my legs are dead/have gone to sleep.

Another weirdo used the trap next to me this morning when there were others vacant - WTF is wrong with people.

partyguinness

Finding yourself in a room suddenly with no light is an unsettling experience. Occurring when you are on the throne in the most vulnerable of positions is downright apocalyptic.

An Ri rua

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s incredibly disconcerting, to say the least. Would you not have “socked up”? You’ve got two to choose from, you know.

You can't polish a turd, he says it was tried, what's done is done.

Brendan Bendar

An Ri rua wrote: »

You can't polish a turd, he says it was tried, what's done is done.

Spray a bit of glitter on her, into the freezer, very asssseptable.

An Ri rua

[Deleted User] wrote: »

We got a similar "upgrade" a while back. I've been fortune not to get caught in a blackout. You could try waving the brush overhead to trigger the motion sensor for the lights!

Probably only a matter of time before those light sensors are upgraded for sulphur dioxide etc. But in the meantime, rather than use the mobile to light things up (risky, you could open Facetime and come arse about face, literally with an uninvited guest), you could use the phone as God intended when he created them and just ring reception and get them to pop up and trip that sensor for ya. Or IT or facilities.
Support staff are there to smooth the passage of things for frontliners, so why not in this most eminent of work/life balance indicators?

An Ri rua

Hoop66 wrote: »

Can I just say that after 5 or so years away to come back and find this thread is a absolute joy.

Best thread on Boards.

I'll update later once I've dropped the kids off at the pool.

A thread for Hoops, no doubt. But thank God not your cousin, Hoop666. A vile stink-merchant.

An Ri rua

Hector Savage wrote: »

ohhh the teeth brushers do my head in, there's a lad in the office - lovely guy , great craic to go on lunch with ... but **** me in the afternoon if you meet him in the jax he's scrubbing away and shaking his head at the same time, it's like he has an OCD about his teeth ... jaysus I've never seen such intense scrubbing - he could lose his teeth ffs!!

Anyway, back on topic, I am happy to report that a few days of eating more fruit has certainly softened things up, and had a lovely soft buttery loaf deposited in the unisex toilets earlier - but the fecking flush wasn't working properly!
Each time I flushed only a bit of toilet paper would go, had about 4 flushes and waiting for water to fill - until all that was left was a big ball of scutther rotating like a paralyzed hippo in the water!!!

At this stage panic was setting in cos I thought I'd have to leave it there - risky leaving the jax as anytime someone could come along and see you were just there, and if it's another bloke he will use the same trap as it's 1M 1F in that one.

Was planning to risk all and just leg it without washing my hands and washing them in the kitchen when 2 more flushes cast the f*cker to the sewars!

Thank f*ck!!

It's a difficult manoeuvre, and you don't have long because the cardboard will take on water and seek the desolate depths, but if you're quick you can whip out your roll, cajole that Kursk into a cardboard coffin and it will comfort and coerce it to its re-introduction to the earth elements. Dust to dust and all that sort of thing. Amen.

An Ri rua

Fireball81 wrote: »

Often get caught out at work when using the disabled facilities, just have to move around while seated to trigger the sensor, can be difficult when my legs are dead/have gone to sleep.

Another weirdo used the trap next to me this morning when there were others vacant - WTF is wrong with people.

This post, along with the admission of choking the chicken in a recent post, leads me to believe that you are blind. Which explains the disabled toilet but not the light sensitivity. Confused.com

JohnnyFlash

Had a difficult meeting this morning, with one punter in particular having a fücking head on him you’d never get tired of boxing. Stumpy little cünt in a Marks and Spencer polyester blend suit.

Anyway, got shot of them around one and said I’d take the rest of the day off. Headed to the local boozer for a fine feed of bacon and cabbage. On about my 8th pint of dessert at the moment. Have started to fart something fückin’ wojus. Real bang of cooking oil, porter, and overcooked cabbage off them.

Tomorrow could be a bad day. Gonna stick a few rolls of sociology degrees in the fridge if I remember it tonight. I’ll have to resist the temptation to visit one of P. McDonagh’s eatin’ houses later on as well.

An Ri rua

fuerte1976 wrote: »

This 'new year' - 'new me' crap is gonna finish me off..

I've curtailed the red meat & porter consumption and increased the ol' fruit n fibre intake.
I'm a hoor for the red grapes (even more so in their fermented state) and am well aware of the consequences but wolfed a punnet of the darlings earlier.

Dear J3sus, I'm sure I've just torn the coating off a surprisingly clean and well maintained porcelain pot at work. The musket Sh1t blast blew spatters all around the place and now I've a damper rear side than I had before I started with the added bonus of having to tidy up the splatter...
1kg lighter though !

Be careful out there..

It can be a bit disconcerting at first but until things bed down for you, it could be useful to have a spotter. Rotten job in fairness, but most interns will roll with the punches.
That's for the office. A stitch in time etc. Better than an unintended pebbledash. When out in the shopping centres, things have gone quiet, so it's fairly handy to acquire the services of a lockhard to bring that weary vessel alongside dock.
Best to always tie the old girl up yourself and drop the anchor. Even lockhards have their limits.

Hotblack Desiato

Hector Savage wrote: »

feck sake can't even take a nice long company paid sh*te anymore...

I think that's their real motivation, not the ESB bill.

Fireball81 wrote: »

Often get caught out at work when using the disabled facilities, just have to move around while seated to trigger the sensor, can be difficult when my legs are dead/have gone to sleep.

Would be even more difficult if you were paraplegic :eek: what were they thinking?

Voodoomelon

partyguinness wrote: »

Finding yourself in a room suddenly with no light is an unsettling experience. Occurring when you are on the throne in the most vulnerable of positions is downright apocalyptic.

I remember the gents toilet in DKIT, back in the days of playing Snake on your phone and firing off SMS' like no ones business whilst pushing out a 10" cigar.

Anyways the toilets inside the reception area were quite vast, with 8-10 cubicles in a row. Non stop, for the entire time I was at college it was a running joke if you were passing to stick your hand in the main door and flick the lights off.

I couldn't tell you the amount of times you'd have a big Snake on the screen and an equally big snake hanging out of your arse when some w*****r would push the door open and shout "NIGHT NIGHT BOYS" and whack the lights off.

Que much disgust amongst your fellow cubical-mates, "ah for f*** sake!", "JESUS", "ah the p****k!".

The very odd time a Good Samaritan would pop in and save the day, but more often than not you'd be wiping to the blue glow of a Nokia 6230. Always hard to tell if you'd wiped enough with such dim lighting conditions, so it was often prudent to go back for a second look later.

IAMAMORON

I spent all of Thursday night drinking lager and got myself into a lovely state, really hammered, singing songs out loud and then went back to a friends house and spent most of the early hours of Friday morning drinking cold cans of Guinness, smoking loads of fags and doing line after line of really really really nice banger, It was a great night.

After listening to the morning news I went to the local for pints around midday, no kip whatsoever. Sucked away on lager and backed a few horses and spoke an almighty amount of shight to whoever was listening.

The seal broke on my bladdder after about 4 pints and went for a slash. Really wanted to take a crap but farts were fairly ropey and I just did not feel like it was ready to go... so I basically spent the best part of this afternoon nursing what I thought was a tennis ball in my ass, it didn't feel too bad if I am being honest. It felt awkward when I was pissing ( about 4-5 times after the initial seal was broken), but at the same time it wasn't quite there. Furthermore I wasn't really in the humour to have a squeezy drunken shight, I knew I would get dirty looks off anyone who walked in after, it felt serious.

I stayed until the Friday evening crew started filtering in, I was farting very regularly but only when I was outside smoking. At one point some random person was speaking with me and I pretended to see someone in the car park and ran over out of sight just to actually let a really nasty fart out, I could sense things were getting close.

I went inside and wolfed my pint, I live around 10 minutes walk from this boozer. It was now getting dark outside so I just started walking, with a plan to drop as soon as I got home. As I was walking I was letting fairly wafty large farts, no sounds just literally wacking out as I walked down the road. Thought these were fine until I suddenly ended up pushing right through, I was fairly on and did not think it had the consistency..... Really runny in fact and knew that I had basically soiled myself, the bang was unbearable, strangely I actually reminded myself of a time when I shat a log into my pyjamas when I was only out of nappies as a 3 year old. I started reminiscing about crying to my Mum as I walked down around the house with a log hanging into my pyjamas.

It was fairly rotten, I could actually smell it and I still had another 5 minutes walk. I was dreading meeting a neighbour as I was going home, I had resigned myself to the fact that there was warm smelly brown shight all over the back of my arse but it stank like phuck and the last thing I needed was unwanted smalltalk with a neighbour, they don't deserve that.

By the time I got home I could actually feel the grainy runny shight abrading against my ass and had begun to dry wretch slightly.

I just went straight upstairs and took all my clothes off while standing in the bath. ending up smearing skidmarks all over the thing , 2 -3 foot long shight smears all down the back off the bath. I couldn't get my kacks off quick enough, basically quagmarched straight over to the jacks and let rip. Foooking volcanic... I mean richter scale stuff, all the laxatives in that lovely banger and I would say the guts of 2-3 gallons of mixed lager and Guinness, no food since dinner time on Thursday. Shat for a good 10 to 15 minutes , a lot of shight of different textures, some runny, some almost cement like in texture, a lot of hard abrasion over my cheeks. It took another possibly 5 to 10 minutes to cop on that wiping was pretty much a waste of time, so just got in the shower for a while.

All done now however , as voluminous of a shight it was , I do think I settled myself out. I was wearing a nice pair of Calvin Klein boxers, their lifespan is now over, I considered burning them. Large smear of deep brown skiddies ( basically a flump) right over them, they are a write off completely.

Having a few Shandys now to take the edge off it. Feeling fairly ok.

Fireball81

In Treviso after the Leinster game, just had a much deserved dump after an array of ham and prosecco (when in Rome and all that) earlier.....only problem was bloody communal toilets:(

Ladies having to Q up after lads like me use the facilities, I've seen it in France but thought Italy was more civilised, perhaps it's just this small establishment.

Might need to move on to another pub...

EmmetSpiceland

Fireball81 wrote: »

In Treviso after the Leinster game, just had a much deserved dump after an array of ham and prosecco (when in Rome and all that) earlier.....only problem was bloody communal toilets:(

Ladies having to Q up after lads like me use the facilities, I've seen it in France but thought Italy was more civilised, perhaps it's just this small establishment.

Might need to move on to another pub...

That is egregious carry on, F. I’m all for “equal right” but separate shítters should be the bare minimum that a drinking establishment should provide.

I don’t care if someone “identifying” as a man wants to use the men’s, just as long as there’s an option.

Stade de France doesn’t even have “thrones”, just the little hole in the ground with the porcelain runnels.

God, that was horrible. You really don’t expect to have your legs shaking and you thigh muscles screaming at you at a time like that. Sends it home that you should probably head to the gym more though.

fuerte1976

In a very very sticky situation this lunchtime.. Pun intended. After almost 2 gallons of Corks finest rebel red ale last night and into this morning, things aren't really moving.. Think I'll need a few rolls of 3 ply at a minimum to clean up.. The smudging is horrendous!

Nevin Parsnipp

fuerte1976 wrote: »

In a very very sticky situation this lunchtime.. Pun intended. After almost 2 gallons of Corks finest rebel red ale last night and into this morning, things aren't really moving.. Think I'll need a few rolls of 3 ply at a minimum to clean up.. The smudging is horrendous!

Serves you right for drinkin that overpriced ****e !

fuerte1976

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Serves you right for drinkin that overpriced ****e !

Tut tut tut Nev - there's method to my technique.
I don't get a hangover from the stuff so I can swill away but the badge has to suffer the consequences unfortunately..

Would you believe the do I was at last night only required me to handover €1.00 for each pint consumed.
The stuff must have been expired...

Things haven't improved greatly throughout the day. The big O is raw but the chicken n spud combo should blow the rest of hw poison out.. Just need to decide my porcelain chamber for the fireworks!

Nevin Parsnipp

Good wishes to you compadre....this thing will pass ...maybe in small knobby lumps ....but it will pass ...trust me !

sligojoek

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Tut tut tut Nev - there's method to my technique.
I don't get a hangover from the stuff so I can swill away but the badge has to suffer the consequences unfortunately..

Would you believe the do I was at last night only required me to handover €1.00 for each pint consumed.
The stuff must have been expired...

Things haven't improved greatly throughout the day. The big O is raw but the chicken n spud combo should blow the rest of hw poison out.. Just need to decide my porcelain chamber for the fireworks!

There's wisdom in the old words. There's no such thing as a free (or cheap) lunch. There's always a payback.

Alpha_zero

Where are my pistachio nuts

Pintman Paddy Losty

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Serves you right for drinkin that overpriced ****e !

Have a bit of compassion Nevin.

Not surprised at your lack of empathy to be honest. You've shown form with the abusive messages you left on my wall.

sligojoek

I put a post up here last year from a lad I know from Connemara. Can't remember the words but basically he was pissed off with tourists taking pics of his house so he used to go out early in the morniing and do a sh1te in the middle of the road to keep them away,

I was going through a HDD tonight and found a load of texts and emails I got from him.


Here's a few.

FAQ: What does cuntscour mean?
A: Bad scutters from drinking Guinness.

He uses the word 'Cunt a lot so excuse the stars. I can'd edit them all out.

Was doin some spring cleanin today,when i got to the ****ter i lifted up the bottom seat o' the cuntbowl & there was blobs of *****cour stuck on & dried like cement to it as never think of underneath the bottom seat - that'll show you what kinda *****cour exploded outa my hole in the last few years as no other **** was in here wit *****cour in recent years, hadta get that cillit express with a grease dissolver & a scrubbin brush to get it off

worst cuntscour in a long time, might havta get a priest to perform an exorcism on the cuntbowl as the divil came outa my arse few minutes ago & i'm frightened

Well the war between my arse & myself came to a close, too much high pressure cuntgas farts was pushing the *****cour out my hole so i hadta run into the toilet, emptied my arse in the womens toilet in phillys & theres streaks of *****cour left after i flushed the cuntbowl

I just did my bit for bord failte again, i was sittin on the cuntbowl & cuntscour explodin outa my cuntcrack wit the bathroom door wide open & of course any cunt that was ever in my place knows that you can see straight into sh1tter from the road, so next **** ting a group of tourists just passed by from the b&b 2 doors back & cameras hangin down their necks & they of course seen me emptying my arse, that should help the tourism in connemara anyway

I just splattered the cuntbowl again with black lookin foul foul cuntishness that only the divil himself would run like a cunt from & there was tears runnin outa my **** eyes from the smell of cuntgas, i had to wash my sh1tcrack in the shower afterwards & **** off over for more diesel

Awful bubbling in the departure lounge, my ar$e wants to explode but i'm fighting the good fight on the high stool

Brendan Bendar

Hmmm wouldn’t fancy that lads laundry contract.

The jocks would need a ‘few slaps’ with a meat tenderiser mallet before being committed to the washing machine.

Slideways

I’m not sure if I had a senior moment or a magic.

Sat down to feed the seagulls and got reading some GE propaganda from the shinners.

Got up and the legs felt like they were dead I’d been on the bowl that long.
Wiped the arse and the paper was that spotless I could have put it back on the roll for the next man.
Checked the bowl and it was empty, a little yellow from a blast of piss and the faintest skid mark deep in the pan.

Maybe I only imagined having a schit??

Hector Savage

sligojoek wrote: »

I put a post up here last year from a lad I know from Connemara. Can't remember the words but basically he was pissed off with tourists taking pics of his house so he used to go out early in the morniing and do a sh1te in the middle of the road to keep them away,

I was going through a HDD tonight and found a load of texts and emails I got from him.


Here's a few.

FAQ: What does cuntscour mean?
A: Bad scutters from drinking Guinness.

He uses the word 'Cunt a lot so excuse the stars. I can'd edit them all out.

Wasn't this posted before ?

No bother, the new lads might not have read it ..

sligojoek

Hector Savage wrote: »

Wasn't this posted before ?

No bother, the new lads might not have read it ..

No. I only found it last night. I did put up something similar from him where he laid a log in the middle of the road.

sligojoek

Here's the one I put up before. Worth another look.

I hadta get up early round 6 am to piss & pull my cock but then awful dose of c*ntscour hit wit vengeance so wit cool,calculating,deliberation i ran out onto the c****** road & emptied my arse right in the middle of it, now all the tourists are staring at it when walkin over the road from m***** *****'s b&b, theres no rain ta wash it away & because road so narrow & it in middle of the road even a car cant run over it so looks like it'll be there for a long time! Looks like a king cobra thats coiled up & a pointy top on it like from an ice cream machine - never let it be said i did'nt do my bit for the tourist industry

dulpit

Does anyone else experience an increase to the volume, frequency and urgency of emissions and expulsions if you get a lack of sleep?