What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

ohhh the teeth brushers do my head in, there's a lad in the office - lovely guy , great craic to go on lunch with ... but **** me in the afternoon if you meet him in the jax he's scrubbing away and shaking his head at the same time, it's like he has an OCD about his teeth ... jaysus I've never seen such intense scrubbing - he could lose his teeth ffs!!

Anyway, back on topic, I am happy to report that a few days of eating more fruit has certainly softened things up, and had a lovely soft buttery loaf deposited in the unisex toilets earlier - but the fecking flush wasn't working properly!
Each time I flushed only a bit of toilet paper would go, had about 4 flushes and waiting for water to fill - until all that was left was a big ball of scutther rotating like a paralyzed hippo in the water!!!

At this stage panic was setting in cos I thought I'd have to leave it there - risky leaving the jax as anytime someone could come along and see you were just there, and if it's another bloke he will use the same trap as it's 1M 1F in that one.

Was planning to risk all and just leg it without washing my hands and washing them in the kitchen when 2 more flushes cast the f*cker to the sewars!

Thank f*ck!!

partyguinness

I forgot to add that I dusted off the bread maker at the weekend and baked seeded rye bread. Rye flour with copious amounts of sunflower seeds, brown linseed, poppy seeds and pumpkin seeds.

Some of the packets had a "Best Before" date in 2017 but sure they are only seeds- it will be grand says I. Homemade bread starts to get mouldy after 3-4 days due to no preservatives so I am working my way through doorstep size slices for breakfast and dinner since Monday as I hate throwing out food. Nobody else will eat it at home.

Fcuk me...the sweats have started here big time and foot is on the clutch but the foot is wavering. Accounts lady leaves in 5 mins and I am goose stepping straight to mens to throw open the gates of Mordor.

Gurgling away in the pit of my stomach and the sherifs badge is bulging. Sounds like a dog yawning.

bodun

partyguinness wrote: »

I forgot to add that I dusted off the bread maker at the weekend and baked seeded rye bread. Rye flour with copious amounts of sunflower seeds, brown linseed, poppy seeds and pumpkin seeds.

Some of the packets had a "Best Before" date in 2017 but sure they are only seeds- it will be grand says I. Homemade bread starts to get mouldy after 3-4 days due to no preservatives so I am working my way through doorstep size slices for breakfast and dinner since Monday as I hate throwing out food. Nobody else will eat it at home.

Fcuk me...the sweats have started here big time and foot is on the clutch but the foot is wavering. Accounts lady leaves in 5 mins and I am goose stepping straight to mens to throw open the gates of Mordor.

Gurgling away in the pit of my stomach and the sherifs badge is bulging. Sounds like a dog yawning.

50 minutes later and no update, must be in a bad way

Hector Savage

Probably battling with the jacks to get it flushed, like what I almost got into earlier .... I am just imagining Jeff Daniels in Dumb & Dumber ...

gerrybbadd

Stone mad for flushing so ye are. If it doesn't work the first time, out with ye.

If the jacks are empty, and nobody is about, leave it be, for the love of jaysus. Be proud of the shítberg you've just left afloat. It'll be a nice surprise for the next man that enters, he can marvel at your creation.

When i was in college, there used to be fierce chat about "who left King Kong's finger within in trap wan" when the flusher wouldn't work. I used to sit there, with silent pride in my heart

partyguinness

bodun wrote: »

50 minutes later and no update, must be in a bad way

I'm grand- very loose and scuttery 20 second job and the bang was unreal. I even took a moment to reflect and decided to open the window. Only two flushes required and I have realised that it is not the toilet that has the issue. All the toilets in my life cannot be wrong- it is me. I just have too much **** for a normal toilet.

The old lad who works here was in the jax when I went up and I thought "Bolloxs. He might have dropped anchor." but no thankfully. I ran a 50 page document through the photocopier to drum up some background noise.

This is not certainly not over and not by a long shot. Still gurgling away coupled with load sharp farts every 1-2 minutes and I have running tonight on the track. I need to start making contingency plans in case I'm half into a 1200 meter rep and need to scale the perimeter fence- it is about waist high. There is a reason I only ever wear black shorts.

partyguinness

Hector Savage wrote: »

Probably battling with the jacks to get it flushed, like what I almost got into earlier .... I am just imagining Jeff Daniels in Dumb & Dumber ...

Jesus stop. There is barely a person on this planet that does not have that scene seared into their mind.

Sure we all laugh our asses at it but masking those laughs is the dreaded realization that somebody we will all be in that position. The question is will you be ready for it?

Hector Savage

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Stone mad for flushing so ye are. If it doesn't work the first time, out with ye.

If the jacks are empty, and nobody is about, leave it be, for the love of jaysus. Be proud of the shítberg you've just left afloat. It'll be a nice surprise for the next man that enters, he can marvel at your creation.

When i was in college, there used to be fierce chat about "who left King Kong's finger within in trap wan" when the flusher wouldn't work. I used to sit there, with silent pride in my heart

ShitBerg!!!!

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Stone mad for flushing so ye are. If it doesn't work the first time, out with ye.

If the jacks are empty, and nobody is about, leave it be, for the love of jaysus. Be proud of the shítberg you've just left afloat. It'll be a nice surprise for the next man that enters, he can marvel at your creation.

When i was in college, there used to be fierce chat about "who left King Kong's finger within in trap wan" when the flusher wouldn't work. I used to sit there, with silent pride in my heart

Silent pride!

A real guy would have planted a miniature tricolour on the fcuukher.

You can buy them in Carroll’s.

Back in the day, I was abroad on ‘important company business’ and after a feed of fairly rich meat, i felt the need to evacuate the guts.

Into the traps, unloaded a log a fcuking sick beaver couldn’t cut.

Admired the lad, took my tricolour badge off my lapel and proudly stabbed her into the heap.

Was in the same facility next day and there was a sharpie message on the door of the trap..... “Well done Pat, you done your country proud”

Clive.. Hartlepool.

smilerf

I can't believe this thread is still going
Good god

gerrybbadd

smilerf wrote: »

I can't believe this thread is still going
Good god

And why wouldn't it be? Well needed, sage advice, and a safe place for all to talk about matters of the bowel. And hey, we have our standards here too.

EmmetSpiceland

Jesus but I’m toxic at the minute. Blowing out large quantities of really foul smelling “gas”.

Like some of the rest of you, I’m working on eating “healthy” and cutting down on the meats and, general, “junk”.

Grabbed a toasted sandwich for lunch. Decided on boiled egg, pickles and some relish. It has “backfired” spectacularly. Literally.

The farts are long and “heavy”. You can really smell the egg but it’s like it was steeped in hot vinegar. Real edge to it.

Thought I’d be grand when I hit the jacks earlier, reckoned I’d be dropping some “loose” cable and that would be the end of it.

Instead it was just a lot of hot air, big loud expulsions that wouldn’t sound out of place on an American “shock jock’s” soundboard. Nothing else came out so now I’ve to go for little walks every couple of minutes to “vent” the gas.

It really ****ing stinks.

gerrybbadd

There's a worrying new phenomena occuring here at present, and it's annoyed me no length.

As of late, all of the toilets have been fitted with timed lights. If the motion sensor embedded in the roof doesn't pick up movement in ten minutes, it turns the lights off. Now thats all well and good, Greta would be stroking the pigtails of herself in delight.

However, the sensor is in the middle of the ceiling, and cannot be picked up by movement in the traps. I've been "caught short" more than once, where I might be in blowing out a musket load of loose scutter, or indeed, may be waiting for a McNugget to drop off the purse lips, which, as you fellas that don't wax or shave the badge know, can take a bit of time.

There's few things worse in this life than having to "paw" at the mahogany knot while in the dark. You give the game away totally if you have to put on the flashlight on your phone. So i tend to sit in the darkness waiting for someone to walk in and "relight" the room.

Mighty sense of pride though when you've left a "breath taker" and that person walks into a wall of darkness and scent, with a swift gasp and a "tut, cursah fúck on it"

gerrybbadd

gerrybbadd wrote: »

There's a worrying new phenomena occuring here at present, and it's annoyed me no length.

As of late, all of the toilets have been fitted with timed lights. If the motion sensor embedded in the roof doesn't pick up movement in ten minutes, it turns the lights off. Now thats all well and good, Greta would be stroking the pigtails of herself in delight.

However, the sensor is in the middle of the ceiling, and cannot be picked up by movement in the traps. I've been "caught short" more than once, where I might be in blowing out a musket load of loose scutter, or indeed, may be waiting for a McNugget to drop off the purse lips, which, as you fellas that don't wax or shave the badge know, can take a bit of time.

There's few things worse in this life than having to "paw" at the mahogany knot while in the dark. You give the game away totally if you have to put on the flashlight on your phone. So i tend to sit in the darkness waiting for someone to walk in and "relight" the room.

Mighty sense of pride though when you've left a "breath taker" and that person walks into a wall of darkness and scent, with a swift gasp and a "tut, cursah fúck on it"

We got a similar "upgrade" a while back. I've been fortune not to get caught in a blackout. You could try waving the brush overhead to trigger the motion sensor for the lights!

EmmetSpiceland

Deleted User wrote: »

We got a similar "upgrade" a while back. I've been fortune not to get caught in a blackout. You could try waving the brush overhead to trigger the motion sensor for the lights!

Dangerous advice, N. But, regardless of drips or “detritus”, it should still work.

JohnnyFlash

[Deleted User] wrote: »

We got a similar "upgrade" a while back. I've been fortune not to get caught in a blackout. You could try waving the brush overhead to trigger the motion sensor for the lights!

Dangerous advice, amigo. Standing up to wave the brush around could result in an unstable round leaving the chamber and ending up down one of the legs of your mustard chinos. Or cause some splatter on the back wall of the cubicle if you’d gone for the old porter and kebab combo the night before.

Risky maneuver indeed, not to be undertaken by novices, but desperate measures for desperate times and all that.

EmmetSpiceland

Deleted User wrote: »

Risky maneuver indeed, not to be undertaken by novices, but desperate measures for desperate times and all that.

Agreed. You don’t want to caught out in that “full dark”, having to sniff the paper until you know you’re done.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Dangerous advice, amigo. Standing up to wave the brush around could result in an unstable round leaving the chamber and ending up down one of the legs of your mustard chinos. Or cause some splatter on the back wall of the cubicle if you’d gone for the old porter and kebab combo the night before.

Back in the day John before I became a top exec, I dwelt in a cold-water walk up in a shabby area.

Toilet facilities were a latrine on the landing also used by two porkers from Social Welfare dept.in another flat.

Being rather casual with waste disposal just dumped ‘food leavings’ into a cupboard which in turn attracted rodents......lots of them.

Finally got a few traps and pulled out at least a half dozen furry lads in about half an hour.

Later that night.................


Slipped down to the latrine, whipped out the bulb and lined the lads all around the toilet seat.

Porker 2 had to use during the night ...sat on the mice and went apeshidt.

I had to leave the next day...

It was worth it though.

perrito caliente

When I worked as a blocklayer in the UK twenty years ago most evenings we would head straight from work to the nearest public house and go for five or ten pints of ale followed by fish and chips. I was a happy young man in those days, making a fair few shillings and far away from home, and often I'd pass by the site on the way home, pull down the shorts and leave a few soft doughy solids in the trenches, or if the foundation was poured, I'd take cover behind a bit of scrub and empty the bowels of greasy wet slobber.
Would sometimes see lads with what looked like my sheet on their boots the next day. I remember one polish lad 'penalty kicking' a familiar little brown nugget of dung up off the tarp one morning trying to angle it into a bucket and thinking leave my baby alone mate.

EmmetSpiceland

perrito caliente wrote: »

When I worked as a blocklayer in the UK twenty years ago most evenings we would head straight from work to the nearest public house and go for five or ten pints of ale followed by fish and chips. I was a happy young man in those days, making a fair few shillings and far away from home, and often I'd pass by the site on the way home, pull down the shorts and leave a few soft doughy solids in the trenches, or if the foundation was poured, I'd take cover behind a bit of scrub and empty the bowels of greasy wet slobber.
Would sometimes see lads with what looked like my sheet on their boots the next day. I remember one polish lad 'penalty kicking' a familiar little brown nugget of dung up off the tarp one morning trying to angle it into a bucket and thinking leave my baby alone mate.

What would you “clean up” with, P, if you don’t mind me asking?

Fireball81

Dodgy salmon for dinner (I assume), already had to run to the throne at home (with an open window facing outside) 3 times tonight to dump a disgusting amount of liquid ****e.

Last check of the paper was yellow

perrito caliente

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

What would you “clean up” with, P, if you don’t king me asking?

Can't remember, not sure I did any cleaning emmet, maybe a bit of tarp.

EmmetSpiceland

perrito caliente wrote: »

Can't remember, not sure I did any cleaning emmet, maybe a bit of tarp.

That’s incredibly disconcerting, to say the least. Would you not have “socked up”? You’ve got two to choose from, you know.

fuerte1976

Fireball81 wrote: »

Dodgy salmon for dinner (I assume), already had to run to the throne at home (with an open window facing outside) 3 times tonight to dump a disgusting amount of liquid ****e.

Last check of the paper was yellow

If you're at that stage, be careful not to draw blood with the next swipe.. Yellow paper, red underpants..

Avadacov

Fireball81 wrote: »

Dodgy salmon for dinner (I assume), already had to run to the throne at home (with an open window facing outside) 3 times tonight to dump a disgusting amount of liquid ****e.

Last check of the paper was yellow

Similar situation here. Bought a packet of Lidl smoked salmon and had it for lunch with brown bread the last two days. Bang on 4pm each day, threatening rumble of the guts followed by a mad dash goosestepping to the traps. I thought the first day was a bit of an upset stomach from a meal the night before, obviously not!

The stink has been wojus. Hot hole after too, no doubt from copious amounts of black pepper to accompany my salmon.

Nevin Parsnipp

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Jesus but I’m toxic at the minute. Blowing out large quantities of really foul smelling “gas”.

Like some of the rest of you, I’m working on eating “healthy” and cutting down on the meats and, general, “junk”.

Grabbed a toasted sandwich for lunch. Decided on boiled egg, pickles and some relish. It has “backfired” spectacularly. Literally.

The farts are long and “heavy”. You can really smell the egg but it’s like it was steeped in hot vinegar. Real edge to it.

Thought I’d be grand when I hit the jacks earlier, reckoned I’d be dropping some “loose” cable and that would be the end of it.

Instead it was just a lot of hot air, big loud expulsions that wouldn’t sound out of place on an American “shock jock’s” soundboard. Nothing else came out so now I’ve to go for little walks every couple of minutes to “vent” the gas.

It really ****ing stinks.

Ever thought of an "Ar$e Baffler" ? Apparently they are available for conditions such as you describe on some American sites.

They deaden the sound much like a gun silencer and the bang and any accidental "drift" is encased in an airtight sac developed as a by product for the nuclear waste industry.

Sounds like sommat worth checkin out .....

Hoop66

Can I just say that after 5 or so years away to come back and find this thread is a absolute joy.

Best thread on Boards.

I'll update later once I've dropped the kids off at the pool.

Hotblack Desiato

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Ever thought of an "Ar$e Baffler" ? Apparently they are available for conditions such as you describe on some American sites.

They deaden the sound much like a gun silencer

He could try going from "automatic" to "selective fire" three round bursts, or semi-auto if he can manage it.

NeinNeinNein

smilerf wrote: »

I can't believe this thread is still going
Good god

Everybody has to go sometime, even god.