What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

Utter Consternation wrote: »

My office is adjoined to another by a set of double doors in an old Victorian building in Dublin. The other day i thought my office and the adjacent ones were empty so let rip with a very thunderous, deep bass fart followed by a contented sigh.

Immediately after i heard a co-worker in the office next door shuffle some papers and do a fake cough.

Fcuk it.

Hopefully not female?

Utter Consternation

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hopefully not female?

No, a very quiet male colleague. I'd say he'll keep it to himself.

Fcuking windows were nearly rattling.

Brendan Bendar

Utter Consternation wrote: »

No, a very quiet male colleague. I'd say he'll keep it to himself.

Fcuking windows were nearly rattling.

Wouldn’t worry, I’d unload a few more ‘barrack busters’ every now and again, interspersed with the odd ‘string of pearls’ and he’ll get used to it.

partyguinness

Had a two hour drive to my marathon yesterday which meant by the time I landed I was ready to pop. Goose stepped PDQ from the car park to the HQ. At 7am all was quiet on entry into the bar with only a handful of patrons bumbling around. I thought great: "A nice relaxing blitz on the way. Good start."

I entered the jax. Fcuk it. No wonder it was quiet outside- everyone was in the toilets. There was 15 (yes 15) lads waiting in a long line that snaked around the island that housed the sinks. All lads in a similar predicament hopping from one foot to the next.

I had little choice but to join the queue. The jax in general was top class with 3 traps but stoney silent. No background noise whatsoever and lads were drying their hands with paper towels so no dryers to mask out the sounds. You could here a pin drop which also meant it sounded like the brass section of the RTE orchestra during rehearsals. Lads scuttering away with pre race nerves.

There was nowhere to hide and we all had to stand there like condemned men only imagining the horrors awaiting us. There was no eye contact on leaving the traps- heads down. There was one trap letting off some ferocious sounds and giving the trap an awful seeing to- real anger. The next lad waiting turned around to the rest of us and in an effort to ease the tension cracked some nervous joke- gallows humor if truth be told. You could tell by the look in his eyes that underneath the jovial smile he was do not doing a good job of hiding the fear. He was up next peering into the abyss and he knew it- we all knew it.

At least one lad had the good manners to forewarn everyone that his trap was out of paper. Cue a rush to the hand paper towels with lads discreetly grabbing a fistful including myself.

My trap was caked in buckshot but I blame the toilet and the poor flushing mechanism. The water just did not reach high enough. The proprietors clearly went for style over substance. One of these fancy pan like toilets where everything just sits there. At least the seat was cosy warm. All I can say is I had forgotten I ate curry Friday night so the bang was unreal.

When the organisers email for feedback I will definitely suggest that load music is piped into the toilets. Not relaxing Enya stuff either but a bit of speedmetal should do it.

Stevieluvsye

partyguinness wrote: »

Had a two hour drive to my marathon yesterday which meant by the time I landed I was ready to pop. Goose stepped PDQ from the car park to the HQ. At 7am all was quiet on entry into the bar with only a handful of patrons bumbling around. I thought great: "A nice relaxing blitz on the way. Good start."

I entered the jax. Fcuk it. No wonder it was quiet outside- everyone was in the toilets. There was 15 (yes 15) lads waiting in a long line that snaked around the island that housed the sinks. All lads in a similar predicament hopping from one foot to the next.

I had little choice but to join the queue. The jax in general was top class with 3 traps but stoney silent. No background noise whatsoever and lads were drying their hands with paper towels so no dryers to mask out the sounds. You could here a pin drop which also meant it sounded like the brass section of the RTE orchestra during rehearsals. Lads scuttering away with pre race nerves.

There was nowhere to hide and we all had to stand there like condemned men only imagining the horrors awaiting us. There was no eye contact on leaving the traps- heads down. There was one trap letting off some ferocious sounds and giving the trap an awful seeing to- real anger. The next lad waiting turned around to the rest of us and in an effort to ease the tension cracked some nervous joke- gallows humor if truth be told. You could tell by the look in his eyes that underneath the jovial smile he was do not doing a good job of hiding the fear. He was up next peering into the abyss and he knew it- we all knew it.

At least one lad had the good manners to forewarn everyone that his trap was out of paper. Cue a rush to the hand paper towels with lads discreetly grabbing a fistful including myself.

My trap was caked in buckshot but I blame the toilet and the poor flushing mechanism. The water just did not reach high enough. The proprietors clearly went for style over substance. One of these fancy pan like toilets where everything just sits there. At least the seat was cosy warm. All I can say is I had forgotten I ate curry Friday night so the bang was unreal.

When the organisers email for feedback I will definitely suggest that load music is piped into the toilets. Not relaxing Enya stuff either but a bit of speedmetal should do it.

Hellish

In situations such as that i'd stick my head in to the ladies to see if the coast was clear

partyguinness

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Hellish

In situations such as that i'd stick my head in to the ladies to see if the coast was clear

The ladies would be worse. It is a unisex event and they have no urinals- even longer queues.

The disabled toilet needed a key.

Brendan Bendar

Open country would be the only answer to that....... was that option feasible?

The quick drop in a hedged garden maybe, full power, packs off, blow out the guts in one wide gout of loose ripe midden.

Dab of grass to the outlet , check the shoes for spatters and maybe your PB in the race?


What’s not good there?

Sharp MZ700

A dockleaf instead of grass Brendan. Good glug of spit onto the broad leaf and one wipe clean. Grass would only itch the hole off ya all day long.

JohnnyFlash

Was feeling extremely ‘bound up’ yesterday morning after a couple of days of clubhouse steak dinners and pints.

Bought the Sindo when I was down at the shop getting a breakfast roll. Wasn’t half way through the Eoghan Harris column and I felt things start to twitch. ‘There’s something working here’ I said to myself. Got to about the 6th paragraph of Gene Kerrigan’s latest boring and angst filled moanfest, and she started to crown.

Headed into the jacks where I unloaded a triumphant quantity of ‘night soil’.

Top Tip: If ever constipated then read the articles of former Stickies and Trots. Will be unspooling in no time.

Brendan Bendar

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

A dockleaf instead of grass Brendan. Good glug of spit onto the broad leaf and one wipe clean. Grass would only itch the hole off ya all day long.

Good call S, but dock leaves can be scarce in suburban gardens.

Lad I knew had an almost similar incident before the start of a fun run.

As there were hundreds of tracksuit bottoms and tops lying around he ‘ borrowed’ bottom set of one,and gave the funnel a good abraisive cleaning after spewing a lumpy load of sour slop behind a wall.

Big inquiry afterwards when the owner was re-robing after the run.

Owner made a big deal over it.

padd b1975

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good call S, but dock leaves can be scarce in suburban gardens.

Lad I knew had an almost similar incident before the start of a fun run.

As there were hundreds of tracksuit bottoms and tops lying around he ‘ borrowed’ bottom set of one,and gave the funnel a good abraisive cleaning after spewing a lumpy load of sour slop behind a wall.

Big inquiry afterwards when the owner was re-robing after the run.

Owner made a big deal over it.

That mesh lining has its uses, just be careful to "2 ply" it at a minimum.

Fingers could end up like someone on 60 roll ups per day.

Scoundrel

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Was feeling extremely ‘bound up’ yesterday morning after a couple of days of clubhouse steak dinners and pints.

Bought the Sindo when I was down at the shop getting a breakfast roll. Wasn’t half way through the Eoghan Harris column and I felt things start to twitch. ‘There’s something working here’ I said to myself. Got to about the 6th paragraph of Gene Kerrigan’s latest boring and angst filled moanfest, and she started to crown.

Headed into the jacks where I unloaded a triumphant quantity of ‘night soil’.

Top Tip: If ever constipated then read the articles of former Stickies and Trots. Will be unspooling in no time.

Jaysis not often a man has to go to the shop for reading toilet roll.

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Open country would be the only answer to that....... was that option feasible?

The quick drop in a hedged garden maybe, full power, packs off, blow out the guts in one wide gout of loose ripe midden.

Dab of grass to the outlet , check the shoes for spatters and maybe your PB in the race?


What’s not good there?

I notice grass does a great job, in the few occasions I've been caught offside I found it weirdly effective - left nothing behind.

Maybe as it was our natural bog roll when we were knocking about living in caves and hunting Mammoths and that....

Stevieluvsye

Hector Savage wrote: »

I notice grass does a great job, in the few occasions I've been caught offside I found it weirdly effective - left nothing behind.

Maybe as it was our natural bog roll when we were knocking about living in caves and hunting Mammoths and that....

How much is enough though. One clump? Two? Is there a hard and fast rule for this? Does one kind of grass work better than others?

EmmetSpiceland

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

How much is enough though. One clump? Two? Is there a hard and fast rule for this? Does one kind of grass work better than others?

Good question, S. I wouldn’t hold much truck with the “grass” wipe. It all sounds very treacherous. And some, courser, blades of grass can have edges that might leave a mark.

No thank you, I’d take a handful of, patted, fine sand over a few blades of grass. Let the sand attach to any “moistured” areas and then, simply, “dust” yourself off.

Less risk of any passing Spaniard shouting “de nada!” at you when you’re pants are down either. Smart feckers.

Stevieluvsye

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Good question, S. I wouldn’t hold much truck with the “grass” wipe. It all sounds very treacherous. And some, courser, blades of grass can have edges that might leave a mark.

No thank you, I’d take a handful of, patted, fine sand over a few blades of grass. Let the sand attach to any “moistured” areas and then, simply, “dust” yourself off.

Less risk of any passing Spaniard shouting “de nada!” at you when you’re pants are down either. Smart feckers.

I was once previously caught short and only had the option of Grass. Well when i say grass, it was that type of grass that mixtured between straw and razor blades.


Between the agonising pain and the "spatter" caused by the inconsistent lengths on said grass, i now always carry tissue to avid such an event again

Utter Consternation

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

I was once previously caught short and only had the option of Grass. Well when i say grass, it was that type of grass that mixtured between straw and razor blades.


Between the agonising pain and the "spatter" caused by the inconsistent lengths on said grass, i now always carry tissue to avid such an event again

You didn't consider doing the wormy dog move?

partyguinness

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

I was once previously caught short and only had the option of Grass. Well when i say grass, it was that type of grass that mixtured between straw and razor blades.


Between the agonising pain and the "spatter" caused by the inconsistent lengths on said grass, i now always carry tissue to avid such an event again

In that situation I think you should go full "Rambo" on it and rip off your jocks for a good thorough and indeed comfortable wipe.

Top tip: discard the jocks.

Stevieluvsye

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You didn't consider doing the wormy dog move?

Indeed. The evening dew had set in so that managed to "clean" me up to an acceptable level

partyguinness

Is there anything to be said for sitting bare assed on the grass and while dragging yourself around in circles like a paraplegic who has fallen out of their wheelchair?

A bit like a cat with bad dose of worms trying to scratch its own arse.

padd b1975

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You didn't consider doing the wormy dog move?

The Lineker.

Sharp MZ700

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Indeed. The evening dew had set in so that managed to "clean" me up to an acceptable level

Dogs use their tail using this method for balance, a tripod stance if you will. Did you use the front leg or what? Kudos!

Hal3000

Utter Consternation wrote: »

My office is adjoined to another by a set of double doors in an old Victorian building in Dublin. The other day i thought my office and the adjacent ones were empty so let rip with a very thunderous, deep bass fart followed by a contented sigh.

Immediately after i heard a co-worker in the office next door shuffle some papers and do a fake cough.

Fcuk it.

This reminds me of a time in work I was getting the lift up to the 3rd floor early morning. One of the post room staff a real Terry Wogan looking weasel of a guy got out just as I went in. I knew I was in trouble once the door shut. You’d be imprisoned in some countries for what he left behind. 2 floors of marmalade and boiled eggs. Thank god no one else got in. Absolutely vile start to my day. He didn’t give a rats either by the look of him. It takes a certain type of creature to pull a stunt like that first thing in the morning.

Stevieluvsye

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Dogs use their tail using this method for balance, a tripod stance if you will. Did you use the front leg or what? Kudos!

More of a two legs straight out and a little arse shuffle. Then two arms stretched out backwards with a drag back manouvre for the bits of spatter up cheek. Descriptive I know but someone will appreciate this advice one day

EmmetSpiceland

I know I’ve complained a lot about my disrupted “shítcadian” rhythm but my god that was a good one.

Lots of volume, zero push. Came out sort of like shaving foam, but with a much thicker “consistency”. Flowing, like silk.

I know I’m heading up to bed now while the “gun barrel” is still hot but I, honestly, don’t care.

I shall sleep easy tonight, I wish you all well.

Namaste.

Hector Savage

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You didn't consider doing the wormy dog move?

padd b1975 wrote: »

The Lineker.

? - Did Gary Linekar have some incident ?


Speaking of almost public accidents, I don't know did I already post, but my brother had an accident in a city - a french speaking city ... he literally had to leg it off the bus and crap on the kerb, he has recollections of people shouting "REGARDE" - but the relief was so great he didn't care ... it's literally one of my greatest nightmares - in fairness to him, it wasn't him being irresponsible he had some winter vomiting bug deal...

Anyway, he had to walk home, wife and kids stayed on the bus ... he said he was walking through parks and skidding in his sh1tty sandals.

At some stage he would just scutter while walking in his cacks , he was so filthy he didn't care .. it was nighttime so doing this in parks wasn't a problem - as in public nuisance - God help the poor walkers next morning though.

He got home and his clothes went straight into a bin bag where I imagine they were shipped to the Chernobyl hot zone.

Thing is , he tells everyone this story, all the family know about it - uncles , cousins parents

No shame.

Stevieluvsye

It happened to me also Hector - The story goes

So out on a work night, everyone smashed and told to come in for 11 next morning. Grand. So i get up following morning still a bit steaming, the kind of flushes that when you are having a shower it feels uncomfortable.

Anyways, this job i could walk to, was rough 20 minutes from the house. Now generally i'm like clock work every morning but not this day. So off i pop and about 5 minutes in i get the first "tingle" nothing too serious but i know it's there. I make a judgement call and say i'll be grand.

5 further minutes in to my walk, i get this astounding cramp. Fcuk says i. I'm in the deadzone too. Not close enough to work or home. I start to sweat. When i say sweat it is dripping off my face like i have run back to back marathons.

What do i do? An open area, nowhere to provide cover, not even a rose bush in one of the gardens. My heart starts to race, i'm clenching for dear life,........................................THEN BOOM, and i mean boom. We are talking a mixture of solids and non solids. The relief but i'm standing on a path, on the spot, crapping away like it is a sunday morning.

I can feel the extra weight i am now carrying but my 2 main concerns where passersby and leakage in the trousers. So off i shuffle back home having to hold up said trousers with one hand because belt can't take additional weight. The smell is beyond toxic. I want to cry. I can feel every mush as i take a step .

Finally i get home, mrs answers, looks at me curiously. I just run to the bath to get changed. She starts vomiting, i start gagging, **** everywhere. Finally after a deep clean i manage to clear everything. Clothes binned and called in sick and went back to bed.

Only one other person knows this story!

Hector Savage

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

It happened to me also Hector - The story goes

So out on a work night, everyone smashed and told to come in for 11 next morning. Grand. So i get up following morning still a bit steaming, the kind of flushes that when you are having a shower it feels uncomfortable.

Anyways, this job i could walk to, was rough 20 minutes from the house. Now generally i'm like clock work every morning but not this day. So off i pop and about 5 minutes in i get the first "tingle" nothing too serious but i know it's there. I make a judgement call and say i'll be grand.

5 further minutes in to my walk, i get this astounding cramp. Fcuk says i. I'm in the deadzone too. Not close enough to work or home. I start to sweat. When i say sweat it is dripping off my face like i have run back to back marathons.

What do i do? An open area, nowhere to provide cover, not even a rose bush in one of the gardens. My heart starts to race, i'm clenching for dear life,........................................THEN BOOM, and i mean boom. We are talking a mixture of solids and non solids. The relief but i'm standing on a path, on the spot, crapping away like it is a sunday morning.

I can feel the extra weight i am now carrying but my 2 main concerns where passersby and leakage in the trousers. So off i shuffle back home having to hold up said trousers with one hand because belt can't take additional weight. The smell is beyond toxic. I want to cry. I can feel every mush as i take a step .

Finally i get home, mrs answers, looks at me curiously. I just run to the bath to get changed. She starts vomiting, i start gagging, **** everywhere. Finally after a deep clean i manage to clear everything. Clothes binned and called in sick and went back to bed.

Only one other person knows this story!

That's what makes the thread so good ... anonymous

Dr Strange

I must say kudos to all the spouses/partners for putting up with these situations while suffering in silence.

YFlyer

Hector Savage wrote: »

? - Did Gary Linekar have some incident ?


.

England v Ireland. Either 1988 or 1990. Dropped a load while sitting near the centre circle. A spursy thing to do.