Dreading family reunion, havent spoke to brother in 20 years

Oasis1974

20 years is a long time while people say a grudge its just as much time passing. I'm betting you have gone for long stretches not even thinking about your brother and vice versa. Probably lots of families have these issues best let it pass take care of your love ones.

Edgware

khaldrogo wrote: »

Life is too short for this sort of worrying.....he wants nothing to do with you. Move on and stop worrying about it. I have no relationship with my brother and gave up on it many years ago. Concentrate on the people who actually want to be in your life.

That is the best piece of advice. It is obvious the other person does not want anything to do with his brother. Life is too short to be entertaining him

SirChenjin

I would just go along, and behave as normal, mix with other guests and enjoy the occasion.
As he blanked you so recently (and your parents are well aware of the situation anyway between you) I would just avoid him.
I would not bother trying any more. You have tried, it's not happening.

lulu1

OP I would forget about him you made several attempts to make up with him so I say it's his loss Dont even acknowledge him at the party

qwerty13

If I could offer one piece of advice, don’t grandstand about it.

I remember a thread in this forum re a similar family situation, and the OP very publicly tried to shake hands. That’s a very bad idea in my books. That’s forcing the situation, in a very public manner, where your sibling doesn’t want to engage.

.......

I am estranged from my only sibling, a brother.

For my side of it, I never liked him growing up, he was always nasty to me. Then in late teens he moved out and didnt contact ANYONE in the family for years. Eventually he showed up again but I never really trusted him. We had the added complication of being damaged from growing up with an alcoholic father.

Eventually, after my parents died, we had a silly row. It wasnt over anything very important. But to be honest, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. I find him to be a very toxic and unhealthy individual and would rather not have him in my life at all.

I have dodged him when Ive seen him in shops and it is unlikely we would be at the same social event but if we were I would definitely not go out of my way to go over to him. However if he said hello or asked how I was I wouldnt look through him - Id just rather not engage unless I was forced into it - you know?

I dont hate my brother at all, I just am not interested in having him in my life as i dont believe he adds anything other than toxicity to it.

Over the years when I meet people who ask how he is I just tell them that he and I have not been in touch for years. Most people dont ask anymore than that, but some do pry, I just shrug and tell them we fell out of touch. I have no idea what he tells people - nor do I care.

Katgurl

God he sounds awful. How hard would it have been to just say hello back to you in the shop?

I think you should stop trying. Ignore him at the party and anywhere else.

LegacyUser

OP here with an update, the party was lastnight. I was going in with the attitude that I would greet him if he was nearby but I wouldn't be going out of my way to talk. I realised that I cant change someone else and I needed to put on the best face for my parents. I was v uncomfortable about it but I went and as predicted he totally blanked me when I said Hi (we were all making small talk at the start of the party) so I just shrugged.. I should have just left it at that. He brought his partner with him and kept out of my way but I met him in the smoking area as I was going in, he was smoking. I wasn't going to walk out, why should I. So I said to him "Shame you stopped talking to me, it could have been fixable, im sorry for the row we had but im not going to beg for forgiveness Gary". Took all my inner strength to say it, I was shaking inside. He sneered at me, walked right up to my eye level and said "youre only a fcuking cnut, let me know when you die so I can p!ss on your grave" and he walked out.


Raged I was, I actually was too shocked to do a thing for 10 mins afterwards. I wanted to deck him, strangle him, call the doctor for him, so many emotions but I put on the brave face, kept well out of his sphere the rest of the night and kept it together for the parents. Now it hit me the day after, I lost my brother forever, he is clearly a horrible person, I didn't think someone could hold that much hate in their heart. its clear now the person I knew is gone forever. I have to move on as if I didn't have a brother. It was a brutal reminder that my olive branch wouldn't be taken. I didn't even do anything wrong to him, we had an argument because he was drunk and fell on my dad, and he still hates me as hes pushing 40? Thanks everyone, you were right when you said I should move on, it took the hard way for me to reach it.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you're OK today? I'm sorry (but not surprised) that your brother said those awful things to you. I've no doubt that his words will be ringing around in your head for quite some time. And that you'll have to process your relationship with him and view your past actions in a new light. It's easier said than done but please try not to let your brother's words ruin things for you. You have a lot of other people in your life who care about you and they're the ones to worry about. Even if he wasn't your brother, would you want a person capable of thinking/saying such things in your life?

CiarraiAbu2

Your brother sounds like a prized prick, better off without him in your life.

MarkR

Might be best to have a sit down with the rest of the family, fill them in on the most recent nonsense from your brother, and tell them you're not putting up with that type of abuse any longer.

For future gatherings, just treat him like the spoiled brat he is. Calls you a ****, tell him you love him too.

OldMrBrennan83

He just sounds like an evil **** to say that to anyone, let alone a brother. It sounds like you needed it to move on though so treat it like a good event and forget he ever existed.

BelovedAunt

MarkR wrote: »

Might be best to have a sit down with the rest of the family, fill them in on the most recent nonsense from your brother, and tell them you're not putting up with that type of abuse any longer.

For future gatherings, just treat him like the spoiled brat he is. Calls you a ****, tell him you love him too.

This. I’m amazed your folks have turned a blind eye to his carry on and haven’t tried to mediate in some way over the years.

stop animal cruelty

Sounds to me like he is a very unhappy, bitter guy, with deep issues.

Guaranteed, there is some jealousy and insecurity around you. And also you were man enough to be civil and adult with him, something he knows but wishes he could be.

You are better off without him, I'm familiar with this kind of sibling pain, but as u said u just can't change someone. Move on , you done the right thing by giving it one last chance.... He just ain't gonna change.

StinkyMunkey

You can choose your friends but not your family.

Unfortunately for you, your brother is a pure Cnut through and through.

It takes s special type of Cnut to purposely cause a rift like this between 2 brothers. He is your brother and the level of sheer contempt he shows towards you cuts like a knife.

For your own sanity and for the sake of not feeding into his warped ego I suggest accepting the fact your relationship with him is over. Every time you reach out your playing into his hands, a normal person would not be able to stand seeing the pain in their siblngs eyes. It's probably hard to believe but he obviously gets off on you reaching out just so he can rebuff you and see the pain it causes.

Mourn the loss of your brother and move on OP, life is to short and you have people in your life who deserve your time and effort.

Pretty shocking that after 20 years someone can still hold such a grudge to say something so venomous like that, and at a family gathering of all places.

He definitely has issues, time to move on a forget about him.

toxicfamily mess

toxicfamily mess wrote: »

OP here with an update, the party was lastnight. I was going in with the attitude that I would greet him if he was nearby but I wouldn't be going out of my way to talk. I realised that I cant change someone else and I needed to put on the best face for my parents. I was v uncomfortable about it but I went and as predicted he totally blanked me when I said Hi (we were all making small talk at the start of the party) so I just shrugged.. I should have just left it at that. He brought his partner with him and kept out of my way but I met him in the smoking area as I was going in, he was smoking. I wasn't going to walk out, why should I. So I said to him "Shame you stopped talking to me, it could have been fixable, im sorry for the row we had but im not going to beg for forgiveness Gary".

Ah lad, you were told to leave him alone but you couldn't help yourself. You went up to him twice despite being told not to.

I'd seriously reconsider just how you treated him before the fight, and not the fight itself.

Eitherway, you have your answer, time to move on with your life.

Ursus Horribilis

I think the person who said he needed this to happen hit the nail on the head. When it comes to families, rationality can fly out the door. While I feel for the OP and what was said to him, it could well be a blessing in disguise.

LegacyUser

Why are you holding out for a brotherly relationship with this man? In all the years since that row occurred where he stopped talking to you, you met a woman, married her, set up a home together, had children together. Life has moved on for you. Your life should be rich with the family you have created with your wife. Why are you holding out for a relationship with your brother? The man is related in blood as an uncle to your children. Whatever petty grudge he's holding should have been dropped a long time ago but he hasn't dropped it and you can't force him too either. He shunned the birth of your children. His nieces/nephews. If that was me in your shoes, that would be the nail in the coffin right there and I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

Yellow pack crisps

He is a bit dim as well, I mean does he expect you to
Fax him from the grave to inform him
Of your death?

BBFAN

Playing the devils advocate here but maybe there was something said in that row that was unforgivable. You said yourself you went too far so it's useless apoloogising for row alone without acknowledging what it was that was said that hurt so badly.

If you don't know what that is (and I think you do) then you need to find out.

...Ghost...

The OP needs to know nothing. I speculate we have not got the frank & honest story. No matter the wrong, or where it came from, the relationship died 20 years ago. Make like Elsa and "Let it Go".

Ursus Horribilis

BBFAN wrote: »

If you don't know what that is (and I think you do) then you need to find out.

I wouldn't be confident that a man capable of bearing a grudge for this long would be willing to give answers. My guess is that this row was just the excuse he needed to cut contact with his brother. He probably would get a kick out of knowing that he's keeping his brother in the dark.

valoren

Conveniently he says this out of sight and out of earshot of the rest of your family. You said you felt like you wanted to deck or strangle him. That was all part of a twisted provocation as what he said was very deliberate, nasty and cowardly said to you privately in order to inflame you into subsequently reacting publicly. He walked out before you could even register it or reply as he went back to the safety of the extended family. Calling you a c*nt is him projecting i.e. he is clearly the c*nt, not you.

If you did say or do something then you would simply provide him with ammunition against you, and you then very conveniently become the bad guy, the person responsible for 'ruining the night' and, in one fell swoop, you would also vindicate him for his prolonged decision at having to cut you out e.g. "See everyone! Is it any wonder we don't speak! etc"

You're well rid of him. I'd tell your parents what happened so they are up to speed, how you were provoked, how in future you won't even fart in his general direction and how close he came to ruining their night by being a stubborn, vindictive man. If you ever have to be in his presence again, make sure you have a witness.

votecounts

Talk about holding a grudge, he's a cnut. I've had rows with my family over trivial things but is solved within hours as we know we'd hate ourselves if we didn't. BTW not saying a drunk falling on your father is trivial.
Move on OP, he's clearly not worth the effort.

.......

toxicfamily mess wrote: »

he totally blanked me when I said Hi (we were all making small talk at the start of the party) so I just shrugged..

OK - so he made it clear from the outset that he didnt want to communicate with you.

toxicfamily mess wrote: »

I should have just left it at that.

Yes.

toxicfamily mess wrote: »

So I said to him "Shame you stopped talking to me, it could have been fixable, im sorry for the row we had but im not going to beg for forgiveness Gary".

You quite literally goaded him here IMO.

First of all he had made it clear he wanted no communication then you said the above - to what end? To shame him? I genuinely cannot see how what you said could be considered anything other than a provocation - it wasnt you holding out an olive branch or trying to open communication - it was you annoyed at him blanking you and speaking out.

I cant help but feel from the above that there is a lot more to the original background of this story.

toxicfamily mess wrote: »

He sneered at me, walked right up to my eye level and said "youre only a fcuking cnut, let me know when you die so I can p!ss on your grave" and he walked out.

^^ This, isnt an acceptable way to speak to someone, but given that he had (a) made it clear he didnt want anything to do with you and (b) you said your piece to him - its kind of understandable that he wanted to hit back with something awful just to shock you away from speaking to him again.

Its a bit like - if you go looking for trouble you will find it.

My only advice is to heed the clear signals, your brother doesnt want anything to do with you - so leave it at that.

.......

....... wrote: »

First of all he had made it clear he wanted no communication then you said the above - to what end? To shame him?

Pretty much, it's a fairly mealy mouthy statement to make imo. The choice of words is bizarre.

jimd2

toxicfamily mess wrote: »

OP here with an update, the party was lastnight. I was going in with the attitude that I would greet him if he was nearby but I wouldn't be going out of my way to talk. I realised that I cant change someone else and I needed to put on the best face for my parents. I was v uncomfortable about it but I went and as predicted he totally blanked me when I said Hi (we were all making small talk at the start of the party) so I just shrugged.. I should have just left it at that. He brought his partner with him and kept out of my way but I met him in the smoking area as I was going in, he was smoking. I wasn't going to walk out, why should I. So I said to him "Shame you stopped talking to me, it could have been fixable, im sorry for the row we had but im not going to beg for forgiveness Gary". Took all my inner strength to say it, I was shaking inside. He sneered at me, walked right up to my eye level and said "youre only a fcuking cnut, let me know when you die so I can p!ss on your grave" and he walked out.

I feel really sorry for you but really?

Did you not get the multiple messages that you were given? Did you not take the hint you were given earlier?

I think that you could not accept the situation and you persevered and pushed it till he really exploded.

Of course he is a horrible horrible person to say what he did but most posters here warned you against this. Like your sister even told you and whatever morsel of opportunity was lost when he blanked you earlier.

Best of luck in the future but you will have to do as good a job as he does at blanking him the next time a reunion happens.

If it was me I would start being brazen with him, dont change your plans and if you hapen to be in the parents place when he arrives be as brazen as him and blank him just as well as he does you.

December2012

I think you're not as innocent in this as you believe you are.

Your sister told you to not talk to him, and you did. Now you feel hard done by, for a situation that you brought upon yourself.

If he wasn't going to respond well to you when you bumped into him, or at any of your big life events, in all honesty, you cannot have expected him to respond well to you when put on the spot, in public, at a stressful event.

You were stirring the pot, and that's not on. You put your own feelings of wanting to talk to him, to try to manipulate him into talking to you, before everything else, including the party, and your own family.

That sounds like the actions of a troublemaker.

Maybe you should think about that and why you acted that way, when all the advice, signs and warnings were to do the complete opposite, with predictable results.

qwerty13

Exactly Dec2012’s post.

And I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but I think you need to recognise it/acknowledge it.

You knew that he didn’t want to engage with you. But you still really pushed the scenario. Topped off by “I won’t beg forgiveness”. You inflamed the situation that night.

Believe or not, I’m trying to be helpful when I say that you are making the situation worse. You’re poking someone who is sore.

You weren’t after reconciliation. You were after him to acknowledge that you were right. Or, possibly, for him to react badly to you pushing him, so that you could tell people what a bad brother he is.

I’m not trying to set out to criticise you. I think you just can’t see that your own actions are inflaming the situation, and I think it would benefit you to consider whether you’ve historically done that with your brother, and the row over his behaviour had a lot more to it.