Dreading family reunion, havent spoke to brother in 20 years

LegacyUser

Im a 46 yr old man married with 2 kids and a lovely wife and living in the country. I have one brother and one sister. I get on well with the sister but my brother and I fell out over something really stupid 20 years ago, he was 18 at the time and I was 25 and he came home really drunk and managed to injure our dad when he stumbled in the door, he hurt his knee when he fell on him! I was mad at the time because my father was recovering from a knee operation and this set him back another few months so I tore strips off my brother for being so stupid and selfish etc, he said to let it go and I was over reacting so it was a fairly big row- ending with him saying he would never speak to me again. Fair enough I left it a few days and reached out, thinking the jets had cooled. I apologized for being so angry but I reiterated it was because dad was sick. No response. I tried again and again over the next few weeks but true to his word he cut me 100% out of his life. I was extremely hurt. We had arguments before as all brothers do but I loved him (still do) and thought it would blow over but its clear he hated me.


I tried a few times over the years to connect but I was met with silence. Invitation to my stag, wedding, my kids christening etc.. Nothing. My parents told me to just give up, he has his mind made up. Fast forward to now, my wife and I and the kids are invited to my parents 70th bash. My wife has also in fairness tried to connect over the years but she was also rebuffed. He has his own life and house now and I know nothing of it. Im dreading this meeting because of two things: 1. I actually spotted my brother (lets say Gary) in a coffee shop in town last week when I was in there, I was coming in he was coming out, I smiled and said "Hi Gary, how ar-" he walked past me as if I wasn't even there, literally like I ddint exist so that doesn't look good for any reconciliation. and 2. My sister (who I get on great with) told me about the party and added "better stay out of Garys way, he told me he wouldn't even go to your funeral so don't expect any greetings", she laughed but its clear she meant it too.


I want to be civil for the sake of everyone I really need some advice, my wife says to just greet him as usual and if he ignores you its his issue and to keep our head up, I think that's probably the best, my kids don't even know him its mad. I thought 20 years would be enough that we could just laugh about how stupid we were and move on...

baby and crumble

Family grudges can last and last. My uncle hasn’t spoken to my dad in nearly 10 years, for a really stupid fight reason too. My dads tried to reconcile a few times but like you, his brother has blanked him totally.

You’ve done what you can. Just go and and celebrate with your parents and let your brother do what he wants. If that’s ignore you, then that’s what it is I’m afraid.

khaldrogo

Life is too short for this sort of worrying.....he wants nothing to do with you. Move on and stop worrying about it. I have no relationship with my brother and gave up on it many years ago. Concentrate on the people who actually want to be in your life.

LegacyUser

What a waste of time & energy.
As above- focus on the people who bring positivity & sunshine to your life.
He knows where you are if/when he chooses to grow up/reconnect.

Rubberchikken

this is your brothers decision and choice.
maybe immaturity and embarrassment initially caused him to fall out with you. 20 years later theres probably a lot of trying to save face/stubbornness and shame involved.

go to the party. greet him as you have done previously. if he ignores you, well and good. you've tried. you cant make him speak to you.

i doubt he hates you. i think its more that its easier for him to continue on this way rather than be seen to back down.

dbas

Is your sister stirring the pot as well telling you to stay out of his way?
Above posters are right- life is far too short to be wasted on people who don't have your best interests at heart.
He sounds like he enjoys the fact that he bothers you, so don't let him

jimd2

If it was me I wouldnt greet him. Its a bit ridiculous at this stage.

He has recently blanked you and confirmed this with your sister. So don't waste your energy greeting him. Stay out of his way if you can/

pwurple

Good grief, if I was your sister or parent I would be telling that brother of yours to cop on. Seriously, what sort of dope gives the silent treatment for 20 years. Why does your sister think it’s a big joke? He’s the baby Jesus in the family, is he?

Just goes to show, you can’t choose your family. He doesn’t even know you at this stage, and still says things like that about your funeral. What a selfish little so-and-so.

poisonated

Your brother doesn’t sound very nice

zoobizoo

The fact that you have gone to such lengths and he has rebuffed them shows how immature he is.

If I was you, I'd get the DJ to play "he ain't heavy, he's my brother" by The Hollies and make sure to get them to say "this one goes out to Gary from his brother X...... "

Panthro

Your brother got loaded, further injured your dad, no doubt caused a scene, and Rightly got a good bollocking for it, and YOU'RE the one trying to reconcile?!
I know he's your brother but he's a pig headed fool. He should have manned up years ago and apologised to your dad and your family for his behaviour. He hasn't and had chosen to blank you. (wrongly!)
Listen, put every bit of effort into enjoying the time with the parents and sister, and let the fool continue his wall of silence. Sorry to say it but Fcuk him, you owe him nothing.
He sounds like a child.

BelovedAunt

Have you ever asked your dad to discuss this with him? After all you fell out over your dad.

Bobtheman

What was relationship prior to the falling out like ? He sounds terribly pig headed. Remember this ignoring has affected him as well. It must take something out of him.
You have to go to party pure and simple. Be civil to him. Say hello etc and see what happens
You are there for your parents keep that front and center. You are focusing on yourself.

beauf

I think if it hadn't happened then it would have happened over something else.

suicide_circus

it must be exhausting carrying that kind of pointless grudge for 20 years. so destructive. if this is his personality type youre probably not missing out on anything much by having no relationship with him. You've made multiple attempts over the years and everyone knows it. the ball is in his court, you can do no more.

elfy4eva

Think its bad you were told to stay out of his way. I certainly wouldn't be treading on eggshells over a grudge you clearly don't share.

Was something else said to him in the heat of your falling out that has him so unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Hi OP back here, thanks for the answers so far, they are very helpful. To flesh it out a bit, no, my sister wasn't trying to stir the pot she was talking to me about the cakes etc and then Garys name came up and she just mentioned it in a casual way as if "Oh don't expect anything from him, he said he wouldn't even go to your funeral" I get the sense that he doesnt really think of me from one end of the year to the next but if my name did come up, he makes it clear that he hates my guts..
I genuinely thought it would blow over, we had a few rows before that but when the heat dies down, we always got back to normal, it was all just hot air but this time he just cut me out 100%. I don't have any experience of long grudges in families, i know it happens all the time i just never thought it would happen to me. My stag was a year after our row and i really thought he would come to that or at least the wedding but he doesnt want to know. Its just annoying for me too because of the questions "Oh, Gary not here?"..."Hows your brother getting on etc etc". I always thought at one stage we could put this behind us...maybe a lot of brothers are like this?

wiggle16

toxicfamilymess wrote: »

My stag was a year after our row and i really thought he would come to that or at least the wedding but he doesnt want to know. Its just annoying for me too because of the questions "Oh, Gary not here?"..."Hows your brother getting on etc etc". I always thought at one stage we could put this behind us...maybe a lot of brothers are like this?

There are a lot of people in your situation but no it's nothing specifically to do with yous being brothers. I dont get on great with one of my brothers, but it's a clash of personalities more than anything else. He hit me once during a row and I scaled back and decided I wouldn't socialise with him anymore, we get on better when we are not in each other's company as often, but it never even entered my head to cut him out of my life. I think it takes a certain kind of person to do that over something like this.... beauf makes a good point. If it wasn't over your da's fall, it would have been over something else.

I wouldn't waste any more energy on this. He has made his decision and after 20 years he still can't even say hello to you in the street. I would doubt youre the only person he's done this to over the years either.
You've been the bigger person and reached out. He's too petty to entertain it. Don't waste any more time on it.

I feel very sorry for your parents in all of this. It's very hard to have feuding children who are ill to one another - but that is your brother's doing. Even if he didnt want a relationship with you he should have buried the hatchet for their sake long ago. It is pure selfishness on his part.

To be blunt, your brother sounds like a proper ar$ehole. In all honesty I think you are better off without someone like this in your life.

Joeyjoejoe43

What about writing him a letter explaining how you feel and how you'd like to get to know him again and for your kids to know who there uncle is. Life is too short for these types of things IMO.

Debatable whether you should bring up the incident from years ago and say where you were coming from at that time. That might just drive a further wedge between you guys, so maybe not.. I think with these type of things there is your persepctive of events, his perspective of events and somewhere at some point in between is what actually happened.

You sound reasonable, so perhaps just say you are sorry about what you said to him that day, it looks like it really hurt him, whatever it was. Then you could ask him to give you a chance to be his brother again, that life is too short etc etc.. Not a lot more you can say after that.. but at least he'd know how you feel. He might claim after the fact that he never read it, but he'll read it... His curiosity will make sure of that I'd say...

Just a thought.. what do you reckon?

Neyite

I think you just have to let this one go and stop chasing him for the kind of relationship that he clearly does not want to have with you.

It might be that he's just too stubborn to admit he was wrong. It might be that with all the rows you've had before, this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. It might be that he's just sees no benefit to his life by having any kind of relationship with you. Maybe you give his ego a boost every time you try to reach out in friendship and he gets a kick out of it. So maybe stop feeding that ego of his? Go to the party but don't bother trying to be friendly to him from now on.

LegacyUser

Your brother doesn't sound like a particularly nice person, OP. Do you really think it's worth spending so much time worrying about someone who thinks so little of you? You have your own family now; concentrate on them and leave him off.

valoren

He may have been naive and inexperienced when he was 18 getting all uppity and insulted but he is now a grown, mature man who has literally had decades to get over himself. Looking back he must see how he was in the wrong and must have developed sufficient maturity to understand why you would have been legitimately angry for his injuring your father. It says a lot about someone's character if they can admit they are wrong. We all screw up, it's the personalities such as your brother who fail to see that who encourage disarray in families.

Even through your own life events he has made the decision to cut you out. He not only cut you out but also your wife and your own family. You attempted reconciliation, got rebuffed and today he straight up blanks you. Leave him to it if he wants that. I'd ignore him and forget about him. Your attempts at reconciling are done. There is nothing more you can do. I would focus instead on looking forward to the party and on enjoying the occasion.

Last weekend, my older brother turned 40 and had a small pub crawl (8 of us). My younger brother was there. We were always close but fell out 5 years ago. I was apprehensive about what the dynamic would be like. Like yourself I looked to reconcile but he backed up and supported his wife who had been overtly bullying my partner. There was no problem mingling. We sat at opposite ends of the group. We were interacting in the group and it was easy to ignore each other. I think the overriding emotion I felt was pity. I had pity for him and just sad things had to turn out the way that they did. However, I in no way felt responsible for what happened between us. I didn't feel guilty or culpable. I would suggest the same. Just pretend your brother isn't even there. Don't feel a bit guilty and just pity him more than anything.

Little Less Conversation

Sounds like your brother has got deeper issues. It was probably an excuse for him to fall out with you because he's jealous of you. There's nothing you can do. He'll probably expect a hello from you but don't give him the satisfaction, blank him like he doesn't exist.

Church on Tuesday

Families are like this sometimes. Not every family is like the Waltons.

I haven't spoken to my father for over two years and very likely never will again because the man is utterly toxic and has a massive chip on his shoulder.

I and others don't know the full particulars of your situation or what was said twenty years ago. It's not ideal I know, but if someone is no good for you they're no good blood tie or no.

Just be civil, greet him by name and be the bigger person always.

MartyMcFly84

In fairness you cant really do much more. You have reached out to him on numerous occasions over the years.

It sounds like the issue is completely on his side. If he can't get over an argument that was over 20 years ago, says a lot about him to be honest. It sounds extremely petty. Are you sure that this is the only issue? Have your sisters or parents spoken to him about this?

All you can do is be civil and leave the door open a future relationship.

Just because people share the same blood doesn't always mean you will get along or HAVE to get along.

Unanimous

Stay out of his way, simple.
Stupid but what can you do?
If after 20 years he doesn't see what made you react that way then that says a lotb

LegacyUser

Hi OP!
I'm terrible at writing things.
I have siblings who don't get on.
They'd have had always being little fights over the years but nothing major until everything came to a head one night.
My siblings stopped speaking for years.
I ended up being stuck in the middle.
One sibling was like you and would try and communicate/say hello/etc and the other would leave the when they entered, would avoid events they knew they were going to, etc. They went for two years without seeing one another and didn't speak then.(Grandmothers Funeral).
In the past few years we've tried to do a family Christmas Day and it's not the best experience.
One sibling wants to talk/etc and the other doesn't.
One sibling wants to repair the relationship and the other doesn't.
One sibling cares about what the other person is up to/job/etc and the other doesn't.
One sibling dreads being asked about the other and other doesn't.
If I asked both my siblings what they wanted. One would say to get on again and move on.
The other would want nothing to do with them.
They are both successful and shouldn't be jealous of one another.
They both can tell a story and you'd don't know who to back.
The sibling who doesn't want to speak would just say they got sick of the toxicness over the the years and they are happier without them in their lives.
I sound like your sister going by your OP.
My advice is to go to the 70th and not make to much on an issue of saying hello/etc.

jopax

I wouldn't even look at him let alone say hello.

If he's saying that to your sister it means in his head that's he is in control somehow.

If he thinks he's insignificant to you his ego will be deflated.

osarusan

As others have said, I'd go along, socialise with everybody else, and discreetly avoid him.

Sounds like he will just ignore you too, which is actually better than him looking to provoke you into a scene.

In general, I wouldn't beat yourself up over the lack of relationship with him. You've made efforts, but he simply isn't interested in a relationship wit you. There really isn't anything you can do about it.

After 20 years, there may be a fair bit of ego about it - for him to step down from his position would involve acknowledging that he's been overreacting for 20 years - and he might not be willing to bear that.

familytoxicmess

familytoxicmess wrote: »

We had arguments before as all brothers do but I loved him (still do) and thought it would blow over but its clear he hated me.

I suspect you are misremembering your childhood. You may think it was friendly relationships but imo, a a 7 year age gap between ye with occasional fights might well have been what your brother perceived as sustained bullying. We'd need to know his side of it but it's extraordinary that at the age of 18 he made this decision and stuck with it if ye really were actually friendly before it.

I suggest respect his decision and keep your distance, and possibly wrack your brain for anything prior to this instance that might have fuelled his anger.

Good luck either way.

retro:electro

It depends what was said op. You say you tore strips off him in the row and he was asking you to let it go but you didn’t. Maybe you said something that hurt him deeply and he simply cannot get past it. It’s a very extreme reaction on his behalf so I’d wager whatever was said he just cannot move on from.
Who knows.