Having doubts about potential new relationship

LegacyUser

So I met this girl on a night out in December and we kicked it off straight away. She said she really liked me after a week of getting to know eachother. Fast forward 3 months and things are still going fairly well, but I am having a few doubts.

So I'm 21, never went to college, earn 50k a year in current job, have a nice car etc. and she is 22, in college and works two days a week in a shop.

We've been on 5 dinner dates since we first met, and not once has she offered to split the bill. Now being honest I probably wouldn't let her put her hand in her pocket, with her being a student with part time employment but it's nice to at least offer. We've been to places where the bill has come to €100, and we've been to places that has cost €20 and not a word about the bill. This is one thing that has kind of set alarm bells ringing for me.

We aren't officially in a relationship but for valentine's I surprised her with a card and a nice box of chocolates as I am pretty mad about her. That same night I voluntarily deleted my tinder account and she said she would do the same. Two days ago a friend of mine who is on tinder sent me a screenshot of her account with a picture from about 2 weeks ago on it.

This annoyed me to be quite honest but I'm unsure as to what to say because I don't want to come across as needy or whatever seeing as we aren't a "thing".

One of my friends reckon she sounds like a bit of a gold digger but another reckons I should give it a bit more time but I don't really know what to do.

She does come across as genuine and caring and we do get on like a house on fire but I don't want to waste time on something that isn't going to work out.

Any advice appreciated!

skallywag

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

We've been on 5 dinner dates since we first met, and not once has she offered to split the bill.

If she has not even mentioned it then she most definitely sees you as a cash cow.

It's up to you now to decide whether your happy to go along with that are not.

Ursus Horribilis

Did she get you anything for Valentine's Day? For that matter, has she ever bought you anything at all?

To be honest, I'd be more bothered by the lying about deleting her Tinder. Given that she hasn't deleted her account and is still keeping her options open nearly 3 months in, maybe she isn't as invested in this as you are? It's hard to judge from here though.

LegacyUser

Forget the splitting the bills, though she'd be gone if that was me- seriously, you want equality yeah? So step up ...

That said, she's young, probably lacks relationship experience and prob isn't as aware of the value of things or managing her own money ..youve been in the working world a while, she's likely not had to support herself fully yet. A good convo about it might sort things out, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion she's a gold digger yet...

Nah the tinder thing id bring up and see her reaction. Seems like you're ready to make it into a relationship and she's not..maybe chat about where you're going? She mightn't have deleted it yet cos you aren't official? Maybe she doesn't want to place all her eggs in a basket that hasn't actually committed to anything yet?

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe have the conversation with her about whether or not you should become a 'thing'. The money side of things can be awkward, but maybe lay off buying her things or paying for things for the moment. If she is in college and only working 2 days then she is simply not going to have spare cash. I think it is bad form to not even make an attempt to offer, but again she simply may not have it.

I think the first talk you should have is whether or not you two are interested becoming an actual couple. After that you can guage what her expectations are regarding money.

She may be only seeing you and genuinely skint. Or she may have a few of you on the go and be eating better than any of us (for free!).

LegacyUser

Me again. No the only thing she's ever bought me is a few drinks on a night out. Think I'll call it off to be honest, only really going one way.

Loveinapril

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

Me again. No the only thing she's ever bought me is a few drinks on a night out. Think I'll call it off to be honest, only really going one way.

If you are mad about her, you should definitely bring it up. She is young and maybe she is just lapping up being spoiled without considering the hard work that goes into earning your wages. Have you tried "I got dinner last time, can you get it this time?" or you get the cinema tickets and she gets the treats, etc. I know it is not your job but I feel like even if you don't last, bringing it up would be flagging her behaviour for her in the future. It is not acceptable to be so stingy or allow for someone to always foot the bill. Especially not because she is a woman and you are a man.

suicide_circus

youre in a no win situation.

if you say nothing, youre a mug.

if you bring it up she'll brand you scabby as youre on way more money than her.

go with your gut, youre only young, plenty of fish in the sea and all that.

cannotlogin

I would find it rude & entitled of her not to even offer to contribute.

If you break up with her, tell her that both that and her still being on tinder are the reasons. At least she might grow up as a result but unlikely.

Arrival

Why are you not treating her as your equal and accepting her not even offering to pay for anything? That in itself would make me not only stop dating them but outright ghosting them, they're using you and you're going along with this? Get some self respect will you?! And to top it off, she's shown complete disrespect and disregard towards you by not actually deleting her Tinder. Work on your self esteem because if you had some you wouldn't even be posting a thread on here, you'd just be deleting her details and ignoring her so you can dedicate your time to a decent, independent and respectful girl.

To any lads reading this, there are loads of women more than happy to pay for themselves and/or take turns paying for things and they won't look at you negatively for doing this. These are called reasonable, fair women. The ones who don't do this are not such women, so stop putting up with this outdated bullsh*t

LegacyUser

I think people are completely missing the point here. The OP is 21 and earning €50k. That's highly rare and unusual for anyone that age. The girl he is dating is a student and works 2 days a week. The OP is taking her out to restaurants with a bills coming to €100. Most students could never afford that. He either adjusts his own expectations and goes on dates which are affordable for her or finds someone else to date earning similar to him to match his lifestyle. He would be hard pressed to find anyone else his own age, student or otherwise, earning the same money.

Pauliedragon

If you think she's just after you as a cash cow I'd ring her up pretending to be upset as you've been told your job is on the line and you'll probably lose it. Gauge her reaction to that news.

wiggle16

Pauliedragon wrote: »

If you think she's just after you as a cash cow I'd ring her up pretending to be upset as you've been told your job is on the line and you'll probably lose it. Gauge her reaction to that news.

Because lying to your partner as a test of their loyalty lays such a healthy foundation for a relationship. Ridiculous.

OP, you are on massive money for your age. Adjust your dates to something more affordable for her and suggest splitting the bill. If she's genuine (and she probably is) she won't have a problem with that.

Addle

Has she commented at all on your paying for everything so far?

blairbear

I remember being 21 or 22 and dating a guy ten years older than me, on probably 80k a year. He would bring me to restaurants where the bills came to over 100e, buy drinks that were 12e each or go to night clubs where the cover charge was 20e. I wanted to offer to pay so many times but I genuinely did not have anywhere even near enough to split the bill or pay for it all. I felt permanently embarrassed and indebted to him. I also didn't have the confidence to discuss it openly.
If she pays half of one of those dinners, she probably won't have money for food for the week. Whereas it will have a lot less of an impact on your budget. If you keep dating her, you need to do cheap stuff. Buy food in Tesco and stay in etc. If you're bringing her out to dinner, do it with the expectation that you'll have to pay for all of it.
I wish I had just asked to do cheaper stuff back then, but he really wanted to go to the expensive places. Nowadays, any date I go on, I only go knowing I can afford to pay for it and I make a point of taking turns/splitting/offering to pay.

Re; Tinder. Have you discussed exclusivity? You are not officially in a relationship, you say. It might not be ideal or feel nice, but unless you discuss this, you can never assume someone is on the same page as you. Ask her where she sees this going.

LegacyUser

Addle wrote: »

Has she commented at all on your paying for everything so far?

Not really, obviously thanked me and everything. Said no other lad has treated her as well.

Ursus Horribilis

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

Me again. No the only thing she's ever bought me is a few drinks on a night out. Think I'll call it off to be honest, only really going one way.

Are you sure you're not throwing the baby out with the bathwater here? There's a possibility there has been a bit of a breakdown in communication here. Giving her the Valentine's Day gift and saying you were going to delete your Tinder account, yet not taking that final step and becoming official is a mixed message. And maybe her not paying for things is a misunderstanding too? While I'm not ruling out the other possibilities (i.e. that she's a bit of a gold digger who's keeping her options open), maybe going for the nuclear option shouldn't be your first port of call.

mada82

Just have an honest conversation

KevinCavan

I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. Assess how much you actually like her. I think she just hasn’t got the money, being a student. The fact that you are working in a well paid job does change things. You could always make yourself scarce when it comes to paying and gushed her reaction. As for Tinder, I can see why you would be upset, but maybe just tell her you’ve deleted yours. You can see how she reacts to that.

lulu1

I would cut out the dinner dates and for a while and see what her reaction would be. If she mentions it just say your a bit stuck for cash and suggest getting a take away instead

Big Bag of Chips

Would you not just talk to her. See what she thinks/feels. If you like her why not just have a conversation.

JustAThought

The more I see of women in action the less I think of them all. Is she Irish? Tbh sounds like age is just using you for the good times - she has NEVER offered or even made comment on it? Big miss and not a great prediction of change in her future demands or expectations. As for the tinder account - fairly shameless and calculating - but sure that sounds like what you are dating. Do you KNOW that she is on contraception or will that be the next unexpected but welcime surpise..Dublin is littered with them .:(

She sounds like someone I know (sadly) - did she spin you a big sob story recently to move in with you - if so I'd ve checking for other online dating accounts and asking whete she is on all those other (date/casual sex) nights too

woodchuck

Mod note:

@JustAThought, less of the generalising please.

Pawwed Rig

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Would you not just talk to her. See what she thinks/feels. If you like her why not just have a conversation.

This exactly.

why go to expensive places if you expect her to pay half? You need to adjust to her means.

sReq | uTeK

Areuserious wrote: »

I think people are completely missing the point here. The OP is 21 and earning €50k. That's highly rare and unusual for anyone that age. The girl he is dating is a student and works 2 days a week. The OP is taking her out to restaurants with a bills coming to €100. Most students could never afford that. He either adjusts his own expectations and goes on dates which are affordable for her or finds someone else to date earning similar to him to match his lifestyle. He would be hard pressed to find anyone else his own age, student or otherwise, earning the same money.

He also said hes been to places with her share the bill has come to 20 quid.

LegacyUser

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

He also said hes been to places with her share the bill has come to 20 quid.

This is what I'm talking about. If the bill is coming to €100 then I don't expect her to offer to pay half but it's when it's only €20 it's a bit annoying.

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

blairbear

She has been appreciative then it seems. You said in your first post that you wouldn't let her pay if she offered anyway. So any offer would be performative and not make any difference to who pays the bills, it would just reassure you.
That's the thing about doing nice things for people, OP. Not everyone will react to them in exactly the way you want or expect them to. As it stands, this girl expresses gratitude for your generosity, you don't actually want her to pay for anything, just to offer, she has bought you a few drinks on a night out before, and she is a student who has very little disposable income. (Bear in mind that often times going on a date for a girl can cost money before you even get there, if she's getting glammed up, make up, nails, tan, hair etc. Even doing all that at home by yourself costs a fair whack to maintain on a regular basis!)

I think you might be a bit hard on her, OP. Just talk to her and say that you know the expensive dinners are out of her budget and you guys should do things more within her means as well.

PHG

If I'm honest it doesn't look great, however, being in such an early phase it could be just a communication thing. She is also a student and as said above,, her disposable income is likely low. Her picking up the rounds is a good thing though and if she hadn't then I would have been saying to definitely run.

You seem very eager for a relationship OP. Slow it down a little and just enjoy it, you're really young. Unless you both have discussed exclusivity (too early to bring up yet btw!!) then there is no reason why she should have deleted her Tinder. It may sound harsh but it is true. Just cause you did X does not mean she has to do Y. If you try and pressure her into a relationship you may as well tell her run for the hills. Both parties have to be in that space at time same time.

Take your time, do stuff within both your means and jut enjoy each others company. You're in no rush!

skallywag

I've been in a situation myself where I've went out with someone who had much less cash in the pocket, and we would often go to places where I would foot the bill. It was my suggestion to go to such places, and I would never have expected her to have to contribute. She did mention during the early days that she felt bad about this, and I told her that I understood where she was financially and that I would gladly take her out and pay the bills. I think we joked that she would be getting the bill for a long period after she graduated or something along those lines. I genuinely had no issue with footing the bill.

Now, that said, if she had never acknowledged it at all, and just went along with me paying without ever saying anything at all, then it would have raised an eye with me after a while.
Going on the OP's first post I had assumed this to be the case, but I am no longer sure now considering the replies since.

bucketybuck

Loveinapril wrote: »

If you are mad about her, you should definitely bring it up.

To my mind, if you have to bring it up then you are already in trouble. Why should he have to bring up an issue that for most genuine people would be a no brainer? Who sits there time after time never offering to pay a single penny without even once mentioning it or making even a token effort?

If somebody paid for me I would notice it and thank them for it, and then try to reciprocate. I wouldn't just say nothing. And damn sure I would jump in when the meal was in my price range like the €20 meal.

And why is being a student such a get out clause? I was a student too, they aren't necessarily all living on tins of baked beans. I was able to get out and buy pints and food regularly, so why couldn't she pay for the cheap meal? Why couldn't she buy some small little present?

I think the OP already knows what is happening here. She may not be a bad person, but she's certainly taking more than she is giving, and more importantly, giving less than she could.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you don't mention ever having talked to her about anything. It doesn't mean you haven't, but its funny you didn't mention it.

not about being exclusive
not about equality in the relationship despite there being a huge income disparity.

how does she know you deleted your tinder and other profiles? is she studying tarot cards?

Put your big boy pants on and sit down and have a chat. discuss what you like, and what bothers you. That's a life skill that will serve you well!

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

you don't mention ever having talked to her about anything. It doesn't mean you haven't, but its funny you didn't mention it.

not about being exclusive
not about equality in the relationship despite there being a huge income disparity.

how does she know you deleted your tinder and other profiles? is she studying tarot cards?

Put your big boy pants on and sit down and have a chat. discuss what you like, and what bothers you. That's a life skill that will serve you well!

I deleted it in front of her. She said she would delete hers too

sportsfan90

Hi OP I was in a similar position after graduating and earning decent enough money and dated a few girls (not simultaneously) who would have been still in college.

I didn't mind paying most of the time or most of the bill as I had more disposable income - no issues there. But for some girls the lack of acknowledgement or even an offer to ever contribute was seriously offputting. For example, I might have paid for food and a few drinks on a saturday night, and we could then go for a coffee the following day the girl might not even offer to pay the few euro, it was assumed that I'd always be the one putting my hand in my pocket again. I don't consider myself tight with money but it wasn't a good feeling not knowing if a girl really likes you or just likes being spoiled.

It never worked out with any of them girls. Whether or not that was the reason I'm not entirely sure.

Out of interest, for those €100 dinners, was it you or her that suggested expensive restaurants? If it was her I'd have alarm bells going. I'd echo some of the other replies and not end things just yet but do try more of the places that cost €20 that will give her more of a chance to offer to contribute.

SusieBlue

If she works 8 hours a day, two days a week, her max wage from a minimum wage job would be €160 a week.
Yet you are unimpressed that she isn't offering to pay or split the bill?
Would you be able to afford to spend 70% of your weekly income on ONE date?

The poor girl is probably mortified. You need to scale it right back because you are putting both yourself and her under pressure with all these expensive dates.
Get takeaway coffees and go for a stroll around a nice park. Go for a spin in the car and get an ice cream on the way.
Get some snacks in Tesco and stay in and watch a movie.
Start doing things she can realistically contribute to.

You are very unlikely to find someone your own age who can keep up with you financially, especially if you are of the attitude that they are sponging off you for not contributing to lavish date nights.

I remember being a student and working part time, and getting a hot chicken roll in the shop when I had a hangover was the ultimate treat when I wanted to splash the cash.
No way would I have been able to afford to keep up with you.
Either lower your expectations or stop dating students.

woodchuck

I remember being a student and for a very rare treat a group of us would all chip in a couple of euro to share a small cheap pizza from the student cafe. Now this was a BIG treat for me at the time and something I could only afford to do maybe once every few weeks. And that was literally only a couple of euro!! I probably would've had a stroke if I was expected to pay 20euro for a meal out at the time: I was stone broke as a student. I know she has a part time job, but assuming she's paying at least part of her way through college (fees/books/rent etc), she probably has f-all disposible income left.

Provided she's not the one suggesting expensive meals out, I wouldn't worry too much. You said yourself you don't actually expect her to pay. An offer would be nice, but she may literally not have the money to offer... she'd be truely mortified if she offered, you accepted, but it turns out she was just being polite and actually had no money!

So I think you need to either tone the dates waaaaaaay down so that she can pay her way (I'm literally talking a cup of coffee or ice-cream!) or accept that if you want to do more expensive things, you'll have to pay for it. You can't get blood from a stone!


Oh and as for the tinder thing, it's possible she deleted the app, but not the account. I'm fairly certain I've still got an old profile floating around out there that I haven't actually used in years...

ManOfMystery

There's been a slight lack of communication here.

First off, you should have had 'the talk' with her about whether or not you two are exclusive. You're in the dating stages, despite meals and gifts and all the rest, and until you formally decide together that you've moved from that stage into a relationship, then no-one is under any obligation to delete dating profiles/etc. And if you don't have the talk, then you're just second guessing each other and whilst you may have an inkling of your relationship status, or an idea of what you would like it to be, no-one really knows exactly where they stand.

Once you've established that, I would let that lead into the question of whether she's deleted her Tinder yet or not. If she says no, ask her why, seeing as she said she would? And if she says yes, it's up to you if you decide to call her out on lying about it.

You should also broach the topic of expenditure and see what her response is. As many have said, she may simply not be able to match your expenditure and has been reluctant to even offer because she knows she doesn't have it. And maybe she thinks you're earning enough to not care. It's not ideal behaviour, but there may not be any malice in it.

On the face of things here, yes - she could conceivably be a gold digger. But this could also be down to poor communication and so on, so I would at least talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt for now until you learn otherwise.

Keyzer

To the two previous posters, I don't think anyone expects a student to fork out loads of cash for meals.

That said, she could have said early on "love going to these places with you but I simply can't afford to split the bill". How hard is that?
The big issue for me is that she has never even offered. Not once. Not even on the €20 meals.

And if the OP brings it up with her he'll end up the bad guy - he'll end up looking like a miser but that's not the case.

Its the principle behind it. Buy him a few beers, a bottle of wine. Something small. But don't just expect the bloke to pay for your meals.

woodchuck

Keyzer wrote: »

Its the principle behind it. Buy him a few beers, a bottle of wine. Something small. But don't just expect the bloke to pay for your meals.

The OP has said she does pay for a few drinks on a night out. Probably because that's all she can afford to do.

It's highly unlike that she was the one suggesting to eat out in places where the bill can come to 100euro!!* If the OP is suggesting it, he should be the one to pay, since he knows full well that a student won't be able to afford it.

*If she is, then send her on her way.

MartyMcFly84

I was in a similar position 3 years ago. I got back together with an old flame after 10 years apart . I noticed she had a habit of not splitting bills in the first few weeks we were back together. I remember saying it to her one night we went for dinner and while we were at the till at the cinema after she again made not effort to pay and I said something along the lines of "can you get this because I got dinner?" a bad time for it and it turned into a big fight and she was very embarrassed.

She was horrified I thought that way of her. She had been in relationships where is was just the done thing for the man to pay as he had been on a high salary she gotten used to it. Thinking back to this day it was weird it got to that point.

It was incredibly awkward , but fast forward 3 years and we are getting married and we split , bills or take turns buying things all the time now no money issues, we both contribute and are saving together for our wedding.

Its worth having a talk about it, its not easy but if that's the only issue it could be something that can be easily resolved.

uck51js9zml2yt

Was seeing someone years ago who thought it her right to be paid for in everything. Even had her sister onto be when I dared raise the question.

Needless to say she's still single 20 years on. I'm married. (I paid for everything with my now wife but it was circumstances and not meanness on her part)

bucketybuck

woodchuck wrote: »

The OP has said she does pay for a few drinks on a night out. Probably because that's all she can afford to do.

She couldn't even afford to buy him a card and a box of chocolates on Valentines day, the poor girl is probably starving!

Nah. We don't know the full details, but up close I bet the OP can tell the difference between somebody who is living hand to mouth and somebody who just didn't think it was her problem. Between somebody who wants to pay but can't, and somebody who can pay but won't. I've known both types and there are plenty of little signs as to which is which.

LegacyUser

So the €100 date was actually our first date. I asked her if she had anywhere in mind to go and she suggested probably the most expensive place in town, which I wasn't aware of until I was sitting down reading the menu. That was the most expensive night out we've had. I think the other 4 dates varied between €20-€50.

Like I said before, unless it was a very cheap date I wouldn't have let her pay a penny but any other date I've been on with different girls, they have always at least offered.

Regarding the tinder, the screenshot my friend sent me of her account had a photo taken probably about a week ago. It was nearly a month ago that I deleted my tinder in front of her and she said she would do the same. Obviously I wouldn't be annoyed if she hadn't said she was going to delete it but lying about it kinda annoyed me to an extent.

Around valentines I did try to bring up "the talk" to see what her outlook on the situation was but she did say we'd see after a few more dates.

tara73

I'm with you here OP, from all you write she's using you.

Your gut tells you as far as I read it and gut is always right.

You can try to talk to her but as already been said, I strongly believe she will only make you look like the bad guy.

wiggle16

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

So the €100 date was actually our first date. I asked her if she had anywhere in mind to go and she suggested probably the most expensive place in town [...]

Regarding the tinder, the screenshot my friend sent me of her account had a photo taken probably about a week ago. It was nearly a month ago that I deleted my tinder in front of her and she said she would do the same.

[...]Around valentines I did try to bring up "the talk" to see what her outlook on the situation was but she did say we'd see after a few more dates.

Hmmmmmmm..... yeah. I'm sorry OP but that sounds to me like someone who is out for a good time more than for a relationship, and you have the means to provide a good time.

I'd be putting more stock in the fact that she didn't delete the tinder and the non-committal answer to the exclusivity question than the €100 meal. You met her in December and you ask her nearly 2 months later if you two are a thing and she wants to give it a few more dates?... Nah.

Going to an expensive restaurant you can't afford for a first date is taking the pi$$. I'd be waving bye-bye now, sorry.

I hope the food was nice at least!

sportsfan90

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

So the €100 date was actually our first date. I asked her if she had anywhere in mind to go and she suggested probably the most expensive place in town, which I wasn't aware of until I was sitting down reading the menu.

Do you think she was aware it OP? Had she eaten there before?

If so, I think you have your answer.

If you do end things, I definitely wouldn't be telling her this was a contributing factor. Like others said, you'll come across as the bad guy.

LegacyUser

sportsfan90 wrote: »

Do you think she was aware it OP? Had she eaten there before?

If so, I think you have your answer.

No she said she hadn't eaten there before but had a look at the menu online and said it looked nice.

sportsfan90

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

No she said she hadn't eaten there before but had a look at the menu online and said it looked nice.

I'd give her the benefit if the doubt in that case, the website may not have prices displayed.

But definitely cut down on the expensive dates for now like others have suggested.

LegacyUser

sportsfan90 wrote: »

I'd give her the benefit if the doubt in that case, the website may not have prices displayed.

But definitely cut down on the expensive dates for now like others have suggested.

Prices are on the website alright, just checked it there. Think I'll call the whole thing off to be honest, too many things ringing alarm bells for me.

Dtp1979

Money aside for a second, what’s her excuse for lying about tinder? That’d raise a huge red flag imo

Big Bag of Chips

Sounds like you're just not feeling it OP, and looking for a reason to end it. That's fair enough you're not going to be compatible with everyone you meet. You don't have to explain it to anyone. If there's a lot about her thats putting you off, then no point in prolonging it.

LegacyUser

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Money aside for a second, what’s her excuse for lying about tinder? That’d raise a huge red flag imo

I haven't mentioned the tinder thing to her but my thinking of it is if she's going to be this untrustworthy in the early stages, what would she possibly be like a few months down the line. Think I'll rejoin tinder myself now 😂