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Having doubts about potential new relationship

LegacyUser

So I met this girl on a night out in December and we kicked it off straight away. She said she really liked me after a week of getting to know eachother. Fast forward 3 months and things are still going fairly well, but I am having a few doubts.

So I'm 21, never went to college, earn 50k a year in current job, have a nice car etc. and she is 22, in college and works two days a week in a shop.

We've been on 5 dinner dates since we first met, and not once has she offered to split the bill. Now being honest I probably wouldn't let her put her hand in her pocket, with her being a student with part time employment but it's nice to at least offer. We've been to places where the bill has come to €100, and we've been to places that has cost €20 and not a word about the bill. This is one thing that has kind of set alarm bells ringing for me.

We aren't officially in a relationship but for valentine's I surprised her with a card and a nice box of chocolates as I am pretty mad about her. That same night I voluntarily deleted my tinder account and she said she would do the same. Two days ago a friend of mine who is on tinder sent me a screenshot of her account with a picture from about 2 weeks ago on it.

This annoyed me to be quite honest but I'm unsure as to what to say because I don't want to come across as needy or whatever seeing as we aren't a "thing".

One of my friends reckon she sounds like a bit of a gold digger but another reckons I should give it a bit more time but I don't really know what to do.

She does come across as genuine and caring and we do get on like a house on fire but I don't want to waste time on something that isn't going to work out.

Any advice appreciated!

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skallywag

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

We've been on 5 dinner dates since we first met, and not once has she offered to split the bill.

If she has not even mentioned it then she most definitely sees you as a cash cow.

It's up to you now to decide whether your happy to go along with that are not.

Ursus Horribilis

Did she get you anything for Valentine's Day? For that matter, has she ever bought you anything at all?

To be honest, I'd be more bothered by the lying about deleting her Tinder. Given that she hasn't deleted her account and is still keeping her options open nearly 3 months in, maybe she isn't as invested in this as you are? It's hard to judge from here though.

LegacyUser

Forget the splitting the bills, though she'd be gone if that was me- seriously, you want equality yeah? So step up ...

That said, she's young, probably lacks relationship experience and prob isn't as aware of the value of things or managing her own money ..youve been in the working world a while, she's likely not had to support herself fully yet. A good convo about it might sort things out, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion she's a gold digger yet...

Nah the tinder thing id bring up and see her reaction. Seems like you're ready to make it into a relationship and she's not..maybe chat about where you're going? She mightn't have deleted it yet cos you aren't official? Maybe she doesn't want to place all her eggs in a basket that hasn't actually committed to anything yet?

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe have the conversation with her about whether or not you should become a 'thing'. The money side of things can be awkward, but maybe lay off buying her things or paying for things for the moment. If she is in college and only working 2 days then she is simply not going to have spare cash. I think it is bad form to not even make an attempt to offer, but again she simply may not have it.

I think the first talk you should have is whether or not you two are interested becoming an actual couple. After that you can guage what her expectations are regarding money.

She may be only seeing you and genuinely skint. Or she may have a few of you on the go and be eating better than any of us (for free!).

LegacyUser

Me again. No the only thing she's ever bought me is a few drinks on a night out. Think I'll call it off to be honest, only really going one way.

suicide_circus

youre in a no win situation.

if you say nothing, youre a mug.

if you bring it up she'll brand you scabby as youre on way more money than her.

go with your gut, youre only young, plenty of fish in the sea and all that.

cannotlogin

I would find it rude & entitled of her not to even offer to contribute.

If you break up with her, tell her that both that and her still being on tinder are the reasons. At least she might grow up as a result but unlikely.

Arrival

Why are you not treating her as your equal and accepting her not even offering to pay for anything? That in itself would make me not only stop dating them but outright ghosting them, they're using you and you're going along with this? Get some self respect will you?! And to top it off, she's shown complete disrespect and disregard towards you by not actually deleting her Tinder. Work on your self esteem because if you had some you wouldn't even be posting a thread on here, you'd just be deleting her details and ignoring her so you can dedicate your time to a decent, independent and respectful girl.

To any lads reading this, there are loads of women more than happy to pay for themselves and/or take turns paying for things and they won't look at you negatively for doing this. These are called reasonable, fair women. The ones who don't do this are not such women, so stop putting up with this outdated bullsh*t

LegacyUser

I think people are completely missing the point here. The OP is 21 and earning €50k. That's highly rare and unusual for anyone that age. The girl he is dating is a student and works 2 days a week. The OP is taking her out to restaurants with a bills coming to €100. Most students could never afford that. He either adjusts his own expectations and goes on dates which are affordable for her or finds someone else to date earning similar to him to match his lifestyle. He would be hard pressed to find anyone else his own age, student or otherwise, earning the same money.

Pauliedragon

If you think she's just after you as a cash cow I'd ring her up pretending to be upset as you've been told your job is on the line and you'll probably lose it. Gauge her reaction to that news.

wiggle16

Pauliedragon wrote: »

If you think she's just after you as a cash cow I'd ring her up pretending to be upset as you've been told your job is on the line and you'll probably lose it. Gauge her reaction to that news.

Because lying to your partner as a test of their loyalty lays such a healthy foundation for a relationship. Ridiculous.

OP, you are on massive money for your age. Adjust your dates to something more affordable for her and suggest splitting the bill. If she's genuine (and she probably is) she won't have a problem with that.

Addle

Has she commented at all on your paying for everything so far?

blairbear

I remember being 21 or 22 and dating a guy ten years older than me, on probably 80k a year. He would bring me to restaurants where the bills came to over 100e, buy drinks that were 12e each or go to night clubs where the cover charge was 20e. I wanted to offer to pay so many times but I genuinely did not have anywhere even near enough to split the bill or pay for it all. I felt permanently embarrassed and indebted to him. I also didn't have the confidence to discuss it openly.
If she pays half of one of those dinners, she probably won't have money for food for the week. Whereas it will have a lot less of an impact on your budget. If you keep dating her, you need to do cheap stuff. Buy food in Tesco and stay in etc. If you're bringing her out to dinner, do it with the expectation that you'll have to pay for all of it.
I wish I had just asked to do cheaper stuff back then, but he really wanted to go to the expensive places. Nowadays, any date I go on, I only go knowing I can afford to pay for it and I make a point of taking turns/splitting/offering to pay.

Re; Tinder. Have you discussed exclusivity? You are not officially in a relationship, you say. It might not be ideal or feel nice, but unless you discuss this, you can never assume someone is on the same page as you. Ask her where she sees this going.

LegacyUser

Addle wrote: »

Has she commented at all on your paying for everything so far?

Not really, obviously thanked me and everything. Said no other lad has treated her as well.

Ursus Horribilis

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

Me again. No the only thing she's ever bought me is a few drinks on a night out. Think I'll call it off to be honest, only really going one way.

Are you sure you're not throwing the baby out with the bathwater here? There's a possibility there has been a bit of a breakdown in communication here. Giving her the Valentine's Day gift and saying you were going to delete your Tinder account, yet not taking that final step and becoming official is a mixed message. And maybe her not paying for things is a misunderstanding too? While I'm not ruling out the other possibilities (i.e. that she's a bit of a gold digger who's keeping her options open), maybe going for the nuclear option shouldn't be your first port of call.

mada82

Just have an honest conversation

KevinCavan

I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. Assess how much you actually like her. I think she just hasn’t got the money, being a student. The fact that you are working in a well paid job does change things. You could always make yourself scarce when it comes to paying and gushed her reaction. As for Tinder, I can see why you would be upset, but maybe just tell her you’ve deleted yours. You can see how she reacts to that.

lulu1

I would cut out the dinner dates and for a while and see what her reaction would be. If she mentions it just say your a bit stuck for cash and suggest getting a take away instead

Big Bag of Chips

Would you not just talk to her. See what she thinks/feels. If you like her why not just have a conversation.

JustAThought

The more I see of women in action the less I think of them all. Is she Irish? Tbh sounds like age is just using you for the good times - she has NEVER offered or even made comment on it? Big miss and not a great prediction of change in her future demands or expectations. As for the tinder account - fairly shameless and calculating - but sure that sounds like what you are dating. Do you KNOW that she is on contraception or will that be the next unexpected but welcime surpise..Dublin is littered with them .:(

She sounds like someone I know (sadly) - did she spin you a big sob story recently to move in with you - if so I'd ve checking for other online dating accounts and asking whete she is on all those other (date/casual sex) nights too

woodchuck

Mod note:

@JustAThought, less of the generalising please.

Pawwed Rig

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Would you not just talk to her. See what she thinks/feels. If you like her why not just have a conversation.

This exactly.

why go to expensive places if you expect her to pay half? You need to adjust to her means.

sReq | uTeK

Areuserious wrote: »

I think people are completely missing the point here. The OP is 21 and earning €50k. That's highly rare and unusual for anyone that age. The girl he is dating is a student and works 2 days a week. The OP is taking her out to restaurants with a bills coming to €100. Most students could never afford that. He either adjusts his own expectations and goes on dates which are affordable for her or finds someone else to date earning similar to him to match his lifestyle. He would be hard pressed to find anyone else his own age, student or otherwise, earning the same money.

He also said hes been to places with her share the bill has come to 20 quid.

LegacyUser

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

He also said hes been to places with her share the bill has come to 20 quid.

This is what I'm talking about. If the bill is coming to €100 then I don't expect her to offer to pay half but it's when it's only €20 it's a bit annoying.

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

blairbear

She has been appreciative then it seems. You said in your first post that you wouldn't let her pay if she offered anyway. So any offer would be performative and not make any difference to who pays the bills, it would just reassure you.
That's the thing about doing nice things for people, OP. Not everyone will react to them in exactly the way you want or expect them to. As it stands, this girl expresses gratitude for your generosity, you don't actually want her to pay for anything, just to offer, she has bought you a few drinks on a night out before, and she is a student who has very little disposable income. (Bear in mind that often times going on a date for a girl can cost money before you even get there, if she's getting glammed up, make up, nails, tan, hair etc. Even doing all that at home by yourself costs a fair whack to maintain on a regular basis!)

I think you might be a bit hard on her, OP. Just talk to her and say that you know the expensive dinners are out of her budget and you guys should do things more within her means as well.

PHG

If I'm honest it doesn't look great, however, being in such an early phase it could be just a communication thing. She is also a student and as said above,, her disposable income is likely low. Her picking up the rounds is a good thing though and if she hadn't then I would have been saying to definitely run.

You seem very eager for a relationship OP. Slow it down a little and just enjoy it, you're really young. Unless you both have discussed exclusivity (too early to bring up yet btw!!) then there is no reason why she should have deleted her Tinder. It may sound harsh but it is true. Just cause you did X does not mean she has to do Y. If you try and pressure her into a relationship you may as well tell her run for the hills. Both parties have to be in that space at time same time.

Take your time, do stuff within both your means and jut enjoy each others company. You're in no rush!

skallywag

I've been in a situation myself where I've went out with someone who had much less cash in the pocket, and we would often go to places where I would foot the bill. It was my suggestion to go to such places, and I would never have expected her to have to contribute. She did mention during the early days that she felt bad about this, and I told her that I understood where she was financially and that I would gladly take her out and pay the bills. I think we joked that she would be getting the bill for a long period after she graduated or something along those lines. I genuinely had no issue with footing the bill.

Now, that said, if she had never acknowledged it at all, and just went along with me paying without ever saying anything at all, then it would have raised an eye with me after a while.
Going on the OP's first post I had assumed this to be the case, but I am no longer sure now considering the replies since.

bucketybuck

Loveinapril wrote: »

If you are mad about her, you should definitely bring it up.

To my mind, if you have to bring it up then you are already in trouble. Why should he have to bring up an issue that for most genuine people would be a no brainer? Who sits there time after time never offering to pay a single penny without even once mentioning it or making even a token effort?

If somebody paid for me I would notice it and thank them for it, and then try to reciprocate. I wouldn't just say nothing. And damn sure I would jump in when the meal was in my price range like the €20 meal.

And why is being a student such a get out clause? I was a student too, they aren't necessarily all living on tins of baked beans. I was able to get out and buy pints and food regularly, so why couldn't she pay for the cheap meal? Why couldn't she buy some small little present?

I think the OP already knows what is happening here. She may not be a bad person, but she's certainly taking more than she is giving, and more importantly, giving less than she could.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you don't mention ever having talked to her about anything. It doesn't mean you haven't, but its funny you didn't mention it.

not about being exclusive
not about equality in the relationship despite there being a huge income disparity.

how does she know you deleted your tinder and other profiles? is she studying tarot cards?

Put your big boy pants on and sit down and have a chat. discuss what you like, and what bothers you. That's a life skill that will serve you well!

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

you don't mention ever having talked to her about anything. It doesn't mean you haven't, but its funny you didn't mention it.

not about being exclusive
not about equality in the relationship despite there being a huge income disparity.

how does she know you deleted your tinder and other profiles? is she studying tarot cards?

Put your big boy pants on and sit down and have a chat. discuss what you like, and what bothers you. That's a life skill that will serve you well!

I deleted it in front of her. She said she would delete hers too