Having doubts about potential new relationship

sportsfan90

Hi OP I was in a similar position after graduating and earning decent enough money and dated a few girls (not simultaneously) who would have been still in college.

I didn't mind paying most of the time or most of the bill as I had more disposable income - no issues there. But for some girls the lack of acknowledgement or even an offer to ever contribute was seriously offputting. For example, I might have paid for food and a few drinks on a saturday night, and we could then go for a coffee the following day the girl might not even offer to pay the few euro, it was assumed that I'd always be the one putting my hand in my pocket again. I don't consider myself tight with money but it wasn't a good feeling not knowing if a girl really likes you or just likes being spoiled.

It never worked out with any of them girls. Whether or not that was the reason I'm not entirely sure.

Out of interest, for those €100 dinners, was it you or her that suggested expensive restaurants? If it was her I'd have alarm bells going. I'd echo some of the other replies and not end things just yet but do try more of the places that cost €20 that will give her more of a chance to offer to contribute.

SusieBlue

If she works 8 hours a day, two days a week, her max wage from a minimum wage job would be €160 a week.
Yet you are unimpressed that she isn't offering to pay or split the bill?
Would you be able to afford to spend 70% of your weekly income on ONE date?

The poor girl is probably mortified. You need to scale it right back because you are putting both yourself and her under pressure with all these expensive dates.
Get takeaway coffees and go for a stroll around a nice park. Go for a spin in the car and get an ice cream on the way.
Get some snacks in Tesco and stay in and watch a movie.
Start doing things she can realistically contribute to.

You are very unlikely to find someone your own age who can keep up with you financially, especially if you are of the attitude that they are sponging off you for not contributing to lavish date nights.

I remember being a student and working part time, and getting a hot chicken roll in the shop when I had a hangover was the ultimate treat when I wanted to splash the cash.
No way would I have been able to afford to keep up with you.
Either lower your expectations or stop dating students.

woodchuck

I remember being a student and for a very rare treat a group of us would all chip in a couple of euro to share a small cheap pizza from the student cafe. Now this was a BIG treat for me at the time and something I could only afford to do maybe once every few weeks. And that was literally only a couple of euro!! I probably would've had a stroke if I was expected to pay 20euro for a meal out at the time: I was stone broke as a student. I know she has a part time job, but assuming she's paying at least part of her way through college (fees/books/rent etc), she probably has f-all disposible income left.

Provided she's not the one suggesting expensive meals out, I wouldn't worry too much. You said yourself you don't actually expect her to pay. An offer would be nice, but she may literally not have the money to offer... she'd be truely mortified if she offered, you accepted, but it turns out she was just being polite and actually had no money!

So I think you need to either tone the dates waaaaaaay down so that she can pay her way (I'm literally talking a cup of coffee or ice-cream!) or accept that if you want to do more expensive things, you'll have to pay for it. You can't get blood from a stone!


Oh and as for the tinder thing, it's possible she deleted the app, but not the account. I'm fairly certain I've still got an old profile floating around out there that I haven't actually used in years...

ManOfMystery

There's been a slight lack of communication here.

First off, you should have had 'the talk' with her about whether or not you two are exclusive. You're in the dating stages, despite meals and gifts and all the rest, and until you formally decide together that you've moved from that stage into a relationship, then no-one is under any obligation to delete dating profiles/etc. And if you don't have the talk, then you're just second guessing each other and whilst you may have an inkling of your relationship status, or an idea of what you would like it to be, no-one really knows exactly where they stand.

Once you've established that, I would let that lead into the question of whether she's deleted her Tinder yet or not. If she says no, ask her why, seeing as she said she would? And if she says yes, it's up to you if you decide to call her out on lying about it.

You should also broach the topic of expenditure and see what her response is. As many have said, she may simply not be able to match your expenditure and has been reluctant to even offer because she knows she doesn't have it. And maybe she thinks you're earning enough to not care. It's not ideal behaviour, but there may not be any malice in it.

On the face of things here, yes - she could conceivably be a gold digger. But this could also be down to poor communication and so on, so I would at least talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt for now until you learn otherwise.

Keyzer

To the two previous posters, I don't think anyone expects a student to fork out loads of cash for meals.

That said, she could have said early on "love going to these places with you but I simply can't afford to split the bill". How hard is that?
The big issue for me is that she has never even offered. Not once. Not even on the €20 meals.

And if the OP brings it up with her he'll end up the bad guy - he'll end up looking like a miser but that's not the case.

Its the principle behind it. Buy him a few beers, a bottle of wine. Something small. But don't just expect the bloke to pay for your meals.

woodchuck

Keyzer wrote: »

Its the principle behind it. Buy him a few beers, a bottle of wine. Something small. But don't just expect the bloke to pay for your meals.

The OP has said she does pay for a few drinks on a night out. Probably because that's all she can afford to do.

It's highly unlike that she was the one suggesting to eat out in places where the bill can come to 100euro!!* If the OP is suggesting it, he should be the one to pay, since he knows full well that a student won't be able to afford it.

*If she is, then send her on her way.

MartyMcFly84

I was in a similar position 3 years ago. I got back together with an old flame after 10 years apart . I noticed she had a habit of not splitting bills in the first few weeks we were back together. I remember saying it to her one night we went for dinner and while we were at the till at the cinema after she again made not effort to pay and I said something along the lines of "can you get this because I got dinner?" a bad time for it and it turned into a big fight and she was very embarrassed.

She was horrified I thought that way of her. She had been in relationships where is was just the done thing for the man to pay as he had been on a high salary she gotten used to it. Thinking back to this day it was weird it got to that point.

It was incredibly awkward , but fast forward 3 years and we are getting married and we split , bills or take turns buying things all the time now no money issues, we both contribute and are saving together for our wedding.

Its worth having a talk about it, its not easy but if that's the only issue it could be something that can be easily resolved.

uck51js9zml2yt

Was seeing someone years ago who thought it her right to be paid for in everything. Even had her sister onto be when I dared raise the question.

Needless to say she's still single 20 years on. I'm married. (I paid for everything with my now wife but it was circumstances and not meanness on her part)

bucketybuck

woodchuck wrote: »

The OP has said she does pay for a few drinks on a night out. Probably because that's all she can afford to do.

She couldn't even afford to buy him a card and a box of chocolates on Valentines day, the poor girl is probably starving!

Nah. We don't know the full details, but up close I bet the OP can tell the difference between somebody who is living hand to mouth and somebody who just didn't think it was her problem. Between somebody who wants to pay but can't, and somebody who can pay but won't. I've known both types and there are plenty of little signs as to which is which.

LegacyUser

So the €100 date was actually our first date. I asked her if she had anywhere in mind to go and she suggested probably the most expensive place in town, which I wasn't aware of until I was sitting down reading the menu. That was the most expensive night out we've had. I think the other 4 dates varied between €20-€50.

Like I said before, unless it was a very cheap date I wouldn't have let her pay a penny but any other date I've been on with different girls, they have always at least offered.

Regarding the tinder, the screenshot my friend sent me of her account had a photo taken probably about a week ago. It was nearly a month ago that I deleted my tinder in front of her and she said she would do the same. Obviously I wouldn't be annoyed if she hadn't said she was going to delete it but lying about it kinda annoyed me to an extent.

Around valentines I did try to bring up "the talk" to see what her outlook on the situation was but she did say we'd see after a few more dates.

tara73

I'm with you here OP, from all you write she's using you.

Your gut tells you as far as I read it and gut is always right.

You can try to talk to her but as already been said, I strongly believe she will only make you look like the bad guy.

wiggle16

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

So the €100 date was actually our first date. I asked her if she had anywhere in mind to go and she suggested probably the most expensive place in town [...]

Regarding the tinder, the screenshot my friend sent me of her account had a photo taken probably about a week ago. It was nearly a month ago that I deleted my tinder in front of her and she said she would do the same.

[...]Around valentines I did try to bring up "the talk" to see what her outlook on the situation was but she did say we'd see after a few more dates.

Hmmmmmmm..... yeah. I'm sorry OP but that sounds to me like someone who is out for a good time more than for a relationship, and you have the means to provide a good time.

I'd be putting more stock in the fact that she didn't delete the tinder and the non-committal answer to the exclusivity question than the €100 meal. You met her in December and you ask her nearly 2 months later if you two are a thing and she wants to give it a few more dates?... Nah.

Going to an expensive restaurant you can't afford for a first date is taking the pi$$. I'd be waving bye-bye now, sorry.

I hope the food was nice at least!

sportsfan90

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

So the €100 date was actually our first date. I asked her if she had anywhere in mind to go and she suggested probably the most expensive place in town, which I wasn't aware of until I was sitting down reading the menu.

Do you think she was aware it OP? Had she eaten there before?

If so, I think you have your answer.

If you do end things, I definitely wouldn't be telling her this was a contributing factor. Like others said, you'll come across as the bad guy.

LegacyUser

sportsfan90 wrote: »

Do you think she was aware it OP? Had she eaten there before?

If so, I think you have your answer.

No she said she hadn't eaten there before but had a look at the menu online and said it looked nice.

sportsfan90

Doubts1234567 wrote: »

No she said she hadn't eaten there before but had a look at the menu online and said it looked nice.

I'd give her the benefit if the doubt in that case, the website may not have prices displayed.

But definitely cut down on the expensive dates for now like others have suggested.

LegacyUser

sportsfan90 wrote: »

I'd give her the benefit if the doubt in that case, the website may not have prices displayed.

But definitely cut down on the expensive dates for now like others have suggested.

Prices are on the website alright, just checked it there. Think I'll call the whole thing off to be honest, too many things ringing alarm bells for me.

Dtp1979

Money aside for a second, what’s her excuse for lying about tinder? That’d raise a huge red flag imo

Big Bag of Chips

Sounds like you're just not feeling it OP, and looking for a reason to end it. That's fair enough you're not going to be compatible with everyone you meet. You don't have to explain it to anyone. If there's a lot about her thats putting you off, then no point in prolonging it.

LegacyUser

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Money aside for a second, what’s her excuse for lying about tinder? That’d raise a huge red flag imo

I haven't mentioned the tinder thing to her but my thinking of it is if she's going to be this untrustworthy in the early stages, what would she possibly be like a few months down the line. Think I'll rejoin tinder myself now 😂

ginandtonicsky

Someone who responds in a lukewarm way to the “what are we” conversation after a few months of dating is someone who is just not keen enough tbh. If she was into you, she’d be thrilled you brought it up and all over the idea of being exclusive.

Also, I’ve been a broke student and never been comfortable with being paid for and wined and dined on someone else’s shilling, in fact it would mortify me. I’d have found a way of having that awkward conversation or would’ve sooner put my hand in my pocket where I could, get a round in, hand-made V Day card, homemade dinner for two, that kind of thing.

Adding those factors up and the fact that she’s still on tinder - I’d cut my losses.

Xterminator

yes, sounds like she is keeping her options open until something she likes better comes along.

OP your intuition is your best friend here, and if it tells you to end it, that is what you should do.

HamSarris

I don’t think you’re particularly annoyed about paying on nights out, I think you’re frustrated that you’re doing so and she’s not showing appreciation with commitment to the relationship.

From the way you talk I think you like to be the traditional man and in control, “I wouldn’t have let her pay a penny”, etc. She likely picked up on this and just let you at it. I don’t think there’s any evidence she’s a gold digger, she’s 22 so there’s nothing stopping her dating a 30-year-old programmer on 80k. She also said “no other lad treated her this well” so she doesn’t have form here.

One thing that stands out in your posts is the multiple times you say “think I’ll call it off” or something to that extent. I think you’re very angry with her and fantasise saying something like this to her – and then she’ll realise how well you treat her and delete her tinder profile. Unfortunately you’re at an age where women hold the balance of power – they’re never really invested in any relationship because of all the alternative options around.

I would suggest two courses of actions:

Try to talk to her openly about her level of commitment and whether she sees a future. Bare in mind that no 22 year old women who’s been on tinder is ever 100% committed.

Invest less in the relationship financially. You’ll soon get clear feedback about whether she likes you or the nights out you provide. Also, you’ll be far better able to live with healthy doubts about her commitment. If you continue to spend 100s on her per month your paranoia and jealously will continue.

Ursus Horribilis

If you're seeing red flags and it doesn't feel right for you, then you're right to end it. All we have to go by are the posts you've added to the thread. Having said that, perhaps you need to improve your communication and establishing where things are? Deleting a Tinder account and giving a Valentine's Day present a couple of months in sound a lot like someone who wants to make things official. It appears you never went that further step and had that conversation with her. So while there are question marks over why she's still on Tinder, you can go into the weeds of technicalities and say you're not a couple. Also, you probably need to be careful about those expensive dates you're going on. Most people aren't earning anywhere near €50k a year when they're 22 so you might be viewed as something of a cash cow by materialistic types. Better to tone down the dates I think..

Dark Phoenix

shes working two days a week your in totally different financial situations. I would totally understand her not affording the bigger nights out as €100 meal would use up her pay however I;d suggest sitting down and having an actual conversation about it as its fairer than just dumping her! She might feel like you want to pay for everything and might not realise she should offer to pick up the smaller tabs. Also, does she ever do something thats nice but not expensive like making you dinner at home or anything?

vetinari

Ah it's clear that she's using you for a good time from your posts.
You clearly know this as well, that's why it's not sitting well with you.
She picked an expensive restaurant for your first date when given the option.

That set the tone. Overall it sounds like the split money wise is 90 - 10 between ye.
That's gold digger territory. If the genders were reversed, I think the advice would be less divided.

wonski

Izabella Long Catfish wrote: »

Was seeing someone years ago who thought it her right to be paid for in everything. Even had her sister onto be when I dared raise the question.

Needless to say she's still single 20 years on. I'm married. (I paid for everything with my now wife but it was circumstances and not meanness on her part)

English, please

Because qits ghartd tdob ugnhdersytand

wonski

21. Never in college. 50k a year. Is this a real job or are you just rich and some girls want their share?

Big Bag of Chips

wonski, if you have an issue with a post report it. A post such as your one above is off topic and irrelevant. The post was quite easy to understand. Typos happen.

Esse85

Lesson learnt here.
Don't date people you don't match with financially, especially if you'll always have to take care of the bill and your not comfortable with that.

As for the tinder situation, if I cared enough and felt there was potential for a long term relationship here I'd ask her about it and hear her side, if I was on the fence about the whole thing I'd probably use the two reasons above to end this and move on.