Single, 32 and considering a vasectomy.....

TheBoyConor

Hello,

I'm a 32 year old guy and I've been in 2 serious relationships over the years. I am single now about 2 years and over that time i have come to my current thinking that I don't want to have children. I just can see myself adapting into a family life as a father. I don't think I would be happy at it and many parents I know just seem to be in a perpetual state of stress - not the way I want to live. My independence is important to me.

Of course, any time I get with a girl I ensure protection is in place but even so I have mistrusts about it and often can worry a bit for a few weeks afterwards whether anything leaked or that, even though I always check everything afterwards. One time I even asked the girl to get the morning after pill even though the condom didn't break but i was suspicious that it might have leaked around the bottom. Another time I, somewhat reluctantly, got with a woman I was dating without using a condom after she assured me she was on the pill and always is for other issues. In both instances the women assured me there was no need to get the MAP but agreed to just go and get it if it would put my mind at ease.


I feel like I'd be happy to get a vasectomy to rule out the possibilities of accidents but then sometimes I wonder what about if I change my mind about kids in 5 or 10 years time.
However, another thought is that in 10 years time I'll be 42 and likely too old and set in my ways to be taking on having a child so that covers me.

Would I be considered for a vasectomy? I know some physicians are against giving them to single childless men but I then I thought that tends to be more so for young fellas in their 20s. At 32 would they consider me to be old enough to have my mind made up?

All advice appreciated.

Neyite

The only way to know for sure is to get a doctors consult. Maybe ask your GP to refer you to the correct specialist.

KevinCavan

Wear a Johnny and you’ll be grand.

Big Bag of Chips

I think if you feel strongly enough about it now, you either get a vasectomy, whilst understanding what that means for your future, or you remain celibate. It is really very unfair of you to insist on a woman taking any sort of medication just to ease your mind.

Speak to your GP.

TheBoyConor

I agree, it is not an acceptable move for me to pressure anyone into getting MAP when it probably isn't necessary. I don't want to be thinking that way.

banie01

Neyite wrote: »

The only way to know for sure is to get a doctors consult. Maybe ask your GP to refer you to the correct specialist.

I had a vasectomy at 28, had 1 kid and that was me done.
If you are hesitant about future children, be honest about it with yourself.
You could always bank some sperm, but then conception becomes less of a "happy accident" but more of a clinical decision.
A future partner may want kids, you may be talked around to her way of thinking and then discover she doesn't want to go down the route of insemination.

You are approaching an age where potential partners will be considering their biological clock. What happens if you meet the ultimate woman? Perfect for you but she wants kids?

If a vasectomy is still your preferred choice, don't think of it as reversible, nor as free reign to ride bareback.
Be honest and upfront with any future partner about it and it shouldn't be an issue, but be aware that it could be a deal-breaker for lots of women.

Neyite

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I agree, it is not an acceptable move for me to pressure anyone into getting MAP when it probably isn't necessary. I don't want to be thinking that way.

I doubt you'd like to be pressured into taking an emergency medication that can cause nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, additional or irregular bleeding and abdominal cramps and mood issues for several days afterwards when you had no reason to take it. Some might call that controlling or manipulative behaviour.



Maybe best to stay away from situations where you feel you might pressure a woman into doing that until you get your vasectomy sorted.

Purple Mountain

Neyite wrote: »

I doubt you'd like to be pressured into taking an emergency medication that can cause nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, additional or irregular bleeding and abdominal cramps and mood issues for several days afterwards when you had no reason to take it. Some might call that controlling or manipulative behaviour.



Maybe best to stay away from situations where you feel you might pressure a woman into doing that until you get your vasectomy sorted.

I absolutely do not agree with this at all.
I think OPs cautious attitude is much more applaudable than a lot of single men who have the "it'll be grand" attitude towards pregnancy risk.
I think a little bit of over paranoia is welcome in these situations.
If OP and another consenting adult are practicing casual sex then I'm assuming that an unwanted pregnancy would be a crisis or at best an issue. Read through the threads on boards where people bash unplanned pregnancy or shoddy birth planning that leads to state support..just saying.
What's wrong with a man asking a woman to take the pill to make doubly sure that he's not going to be landed with a baby that neither he nor she bargained for?
If a woman is offended or inconvenienced by emergency contraception then she shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

TheBoyConor

I get that it should be considered permanent. I know it can be revered but it's only 25-30% effective.

Tbh, I feel at the moment that if I met a woman that wanted kids then she wouldn't be my ultimate woman.
However, I don't know whether that might change in a few years.
At the moment I'm not really interested in serious relationships either, and tbh I'm not so keen on the idea of it in the future either.

I fully understand that it is not a licence to unprotected sex, I definitely don't want to end up with an STD so will continue to be careful that way.

I guess what gets to me is the assumed permanency of it.

Neyite

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I absolutely do not agree with this at all.
I think OPs cautious attitude is much more applaudable than a lot of single men who have the "it'll be grand" attitude towards pregnancy risk.
I think a little bit of over paranoia is welcome in these situations.
If OP and another consenting adult are practicing casual sex then I'm assuming that an unwanted pregnancy would be a crisis or at best an issue. Read through the threads on boards where people bash unplanned pregnancy or shoddy birth planning that leads to state support..just saying.
What's wrong with a man asking a woman to take the pill to make doubly sure that he's not going to be landed with a baby that neither he nor she bargained for?
If a woman is offended or inconvenienced by emergency contraception then she shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

What's wrong with a man who absolutely, vehemently does not want a child just using a condom, instead of asking a woman -who was already taking the contraceptive pill correctly - to take the MAP?

If he's offended or inconvenienced by condom usage then he shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.



See? It goes both ways. Why's it all on her?

TheBoyConor

I'd just say that that instance where it was with no condom but the woman on the pill only happened once. Any other time I always use one. But I don't trust them and I'm always paranoid that they leak.

Purple Mountain

Neyite wrote: »

What's wrong with a man who absolutely, vehemently does not want a child just using a condom, instead of asking a woman -who was already taking the contraceptive pill correctly - to take the MAP?

If he's offended or inconvenienced by condom usage then he shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.



See? It goes both ways. Why's it all on her?

It's not all on her.
He's being responsible using the condom.
He became worried that there was a leak.
I think it's way more responsible to err on the side of caution and suggest an additional prevention.
The time there was no protection worn, it was the lady who said it would be OK as she was taking the pill. OP himself says he was hesitant.
I'm sorry OP that we have veered off topic but I felt that you were getting unfair criticism here.
I will reply to your question later when I've more time.

TheBoyConor

Thanks.
No no I'm keen to hear all opinions so I can guage whether my opinion is sane or not.

I'm just really wondering whether my notion of getting snipped is a good idea or inadvisable given that I'm not 110% sure that I'll not change my mind about future children. But I do fully know that it's definitely not something I want in the foreseeable future, even if I was in a great relationship.

Loveinapril

A vasectomy is a mostly irreversible procedure. I think it would be foolish to go ahead with one while there is some doubt in your mind about possibly wanting children in the future.

Dial Hard

TheBoyConor wrote:

I'm just really wondering whether my notion of getting snipped is a good idea or inadvisable given that I'm not 110% sure that I'll not change my mind about future children. But I do fully know that it's definitely not something I want in the foreseeable future, even if I was in a great relationship.

You won't be given one if the consultant thinks there's even a whisper of a chance your mind isn't completely made up. In fact, as a single, childless man of 32, your chances of anyone performing one for you are slim to none anyway. I'm kind of amazed banie01 was able to find a surgeon in this country willing to perform one at his age.

Tbh, your time, money and effort might be better spent working on this unhealthy paranoia around pregnancy. I don't think anyone here should have to tell you that worrying about an unbroken condom to the point of asking the woman to get the MAP is not the norm. There's being careful and then there's being unreasonable.

banie01

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm kind of amazed banie01 was able to find a surgeon in this country willing to perform one at his age.

It was a loooooong and drawn out process, counselling and multiple GPs had to agree to forward my referral.
It's an interesting slant on bodily autonomy as it shows how hard it can be to enforce it when it comes to reproductive choices.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

In fact, as a single, childless man of 32, your chances of anyone performing one for you are slim to none anyway. I'm kind of amazed banie01 was able to find a surgeon in this country willing to perform one at his age.

That's not true. While some doctors might have stricter criteria not all make you jump through hoops. I recently had one and the conversation on background was 5 minutes with no verification on any of the information I gave. I could have been lying through my teeth. The doctor himself said that while it's rare he has performed them on single people.

There is a thread in the gentelmans club with lots of useful information if the OP is interested.

Purple Mountain

At 32 you are still quite young in terms of male reproduction years.
A lot of couples I know are only having their first child at 34/35.
I hear what you're saying about being in the almost certain mindframe of not wanting children but if you were 10 years older then I'd think it would be more realistic to close yourself off to the idea completely.
There is every chance you might meet a partner in the next few years and the fact that you are not as you say 110% certain over the baby issue, you just never know.
With abortion legal in Ireland now women will have the access to halt an unwanted pregnancy but unfortunately men don't get an opt out clause and are dependent on the woman to make any decisions.
Therefore if a woman you are having casual sex with tells you she is on the pill you are right to have your reservations. She may well be but maybe she forgot to take it this morning?
If you're going to be engaging in casual sex then condoms are great for visual confirmation that there has been contraception precautions. Of course no contraception is 100% safe bar abstinence but I would advise to always wear one, even 2 and have the conversation with the woman first, that you are taking these measures and if in the event that the condom broke, is she willing to seek emergency contraception?
I don't think that's demanding or being a jerk. I think it's mature and it's putting the onus on both parties to be responsible for both their reproductive and sexual health.

Bonniek

If you are adamant you don't want kids like 100% certain then do it. I think someone knows if they want kids or not from a young age.

Dial Hard

Purple Mountain wrote:

I would advise to always wear one, even 2.

Seriously, don't do this.

wiggle16

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Of course no contraception is 100% safe bar abstinence but I would advise to always wear one, even 2 .....

Ah here, come on. That's basic, basic. My 15 year old sister knows not to do that and she also knows why. Honestly like.

TheBoyConor

What's the problem with using a double layer?

LirW

TheBoyConor wrote: »

What's the problem with using a double layer?

Friction can make the layers porous and increase the risk of leakage.

TheBoyConor

Jesus.
Could the friction that happens when wearing just one cause it to become porous too?

Hurrache

As you said, you're 'only' 32 and single. You've no idea how your life is going to play out over the years, or who you'll meet, and how you yourself may change.

I've never met a single man who wants kids. I don't think it's a good idea at the stage of life you're at, and this s coming from someone who had one after kids.

Hurrache

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Jesus.
Could the friction that happens when wearing just one cause it to become porous too?

It's the friction of one against the other.

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Jesus.
Could the friction that happens when wearing just one cause it to become porous too?

No. The lubrication ensures that the condom will not become porous during sex.

The friction between two latex surfaces, such as doubling up with two condoms, is far greater than that between latex and skin and can cause the condoms to rupture or become porous. So you increase your chances of contraceptive failure by using two at the same time.

I don't mean to be condescending, but if you are that concerned about pregnancy, you should really be making yourself aware of the correct use of contraceptives before considering a vasectomy. Or before having sex at all.

TheBoyConor

I know it's not correct use to use 2 condoms and I would never do that cos I know it's a bad move. I just didn't know specifically why - the friction causing porosity.

Neyite

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I know it's not correct use to use 2 condoms and I would never do that cos I know it's a bad move. I just didn't know specifically why - the friction causing porosity.

Basically the two latex surfaces rub off each other and the friction during thrusting causes weakening and rips. So wearing two puts you at more risk of both of them breaking.

You also know about avoiding oil based lubricants or massage oils with condoms too, right?

TheBoyConor

Yes of course.

Neyite

Sorry, was just checking! Still, it might be of benefit to others reading the thread who might not know.

I've another idea for you between now and your vasectomy procedure - it might help a bit more with your anxiety over a potential pregnancy to read up on the female reproductive system and get back to the nitty gritty basics of conception. I would have learned all of this through both school and a very open mother but even so, when I was in my mid thirties and trying for a baby it was surprising how much I'd forgotten over the years - and it's my own plumbing system so you'd think I'd remember!

Like for example, sperm can live for up to 5 days, the ovum only lasts for 12 hrs. So theoretically, there's 5 days in every cycle a woman may potentially get pregnant. Something like 80-300 million sperm per ejaculate, but about 99.9% of those never reach the egg, they die on route. Still, it does only take one to fertilise. Only 1 in 14 million sperm reach the fallopian tube where the egg is travelling so by the end of the travels, there might only be 20 or so viable sperm left - and only then if there's an egg waiting for them can anything happen.

But that's all redundant if she's on the pill or using hormonal contraception, as most variants block pregnancy in several different ways at once such as preventing an egg from releasing, thinning the lining to prevent implantation, or changing the composition of cervical fluid to prevent sperm from entering (and a few more changes that I can't think of off the top of my head.)

Accidents can happen. Of course they can. But there's a complicated procedure involved in each domino step to achieve a pregnancy and to a very large degree correct usage of the pill and condoms makes thing fairly safe. In a steady relationship I suppose you could also triple up by using a female barrier method such as the cap /diaphragm but they need to be fitted and cost a bit so for more casual hookups are not going to be an option.

pwurple

You can also add withdrawal and cycle awareness to your double protection there. On the pill, condom on for penetrative, and withdraw also. It would want to be immaculate conception for pregnancy to occur in that combination.
On your thought process, yes, Parenthood is stressful these days, as we've become more individualistic, and lost the community involvement. So if you can't cope with stress, or you don't see the payoff being worth it, it's not for you. And to some extent, I think it's even eco-friendly not to continue to produce more humans to become consumers, so I don't want to persuade anyone reticent about reproducing, to do so. 
However,I know a few people who were absolutely insistent at your age that children were not on the cards. But they either met someone else, lost parents, or through other circumstances, their mind changed. 
Of course I also know some people who didn't change their mind too, but you will be asked hard questions when you go for a vasectomy, so be prepared to think them through. What if your family is gone, and it's just you left. Would you feel you missed becoming part of your own new family? What if you met someone, started a serious relationship, and they wanted a family?

.......

32 seems quite young to decide that you want a vasectomy, who knows their own mind at 32 eh? (I dont know mine now, more than a decade later!).

As its such a permanent move, I would advise caution. My husband had a vasectomy earlier this year, we dont have children. We are together since our early 30s and neither of us ever wanted children. However we held off on a permanent solution until now for a number of reasons:

1 - What if I died or we broke up - he was still young enough to meet a woman young enough who might want children, and perhaps his mind would change with a different woman?

2 - I was very reliable with taking my contraception.

3 - Because we relied on the pill, if contraception failed then it would be too late for MAP so we both agreed that I would travel for an abortion if necessary. There were no financial barriers to this for us.

4 - He was nervous of the surgery so I believe an unspoken reason to put it off, was simply to put it off.

What settled the decision in him going for it this year was largely:

1 - Our ages, I would have a high risk of a disabled child if I were to get pregnant for the first time now, and he believes that even if I were not in the picture he is too old to consider first time fatherhood at this stage.

2 - The contraceptive pill was having a cumulative negative effect on my health and due to medical contra indications there werent many other options for us (I am allergic to latex, I am contra indicated with the combined pill/implant/depot injection etc...).

Since he had it done we can both only report positive effects. My health has improved, our sex lives have improved, he claims his orgasms have improved.

This was a very strongly considered mutual decision between a married couple who intend to stay married.

If he had already had the vasectomy when we met I am sure I would have been fine with it, but many women would not. So it is important for you to consider how that might affect a future relationship for you going forward.

As an aside, if you DO decide to go for it, bank some sperm. Better to have it banked than not.

Another aside - its not normal to have such a level of anxiety around the possibility of pregnancy that you are worried about correctly used contraception to the point that you would be insisting a woman use the MAP even when contraception was in use. You CAN minimise the risk of pregnancy by using more than one contraceptive at a time. But as demonstrated, you do need to know what can be effectively doubled up.

Purple Mountain

Neyite wrote: »

Sorry, was just checking! Still, it might be of benefit to others reading the thread who might not know.

I've another idea for you between now and your vasectomy procedure - it might help a bit more with your anxiety over a potential pregnancy to read up on the female reproductive system and get back to the nitty gritty basics of conception. I would have learned all of this through both school and a very open mother but even so, when I was in my mid thirties and trying for a baby it was surprising how much I'd forgotten over the years - and it's my own plumbing system so you'd think I'd remember!

Like for example, sperm can live for up to 5 days, the ovum only lasts for 12 hrs. So theoretically, there's 5 days in every cycle a woman may potentially get pregnant. Something like 80-300 million sperm per ejaculate, but about 99.9% of those never reach the egg, they die on route. Still, it does only take one to fertilise. Only 1 in 14 million sperm reach the fallopian tube where the egg is travelling so by the end of the travels, there might only be 20 or so viable sperm left - and only then if there's an egg waiting for them can anything happen.

But that's all redundant if she's on the pill or using hormonal contraception, as most variants block pregnancy in several different ways at once such as preventing an egg from releasing, thinning the lining to prevent implantation, or changing the composition of cervical fluid to prevent sperm from entering (and a few more changes that I can't think of off the top of my head.)

Accidents can happen. Of course they can. But there's a complicated procedure involved in each domino step to achieve a pregnancy and to a very large degree correct usage of the pill and condoms makes thing fairly safe. In a steady relationship I suppose you could also triple up by using a female barrier method such as the cap /diaphragm but they need to be fitted and cost a bit so for more casual hookups are not going to be an option.

I get what you're saying with your statistics but OP is not in a relationship and the 2 examples he gave were with casual ladies he didn't really know.
I don't think it's fair for a man to take the word of a woman he is not committed with the she is actually on the pill or that she has taken it correctly in that cycle. And furthermore the 5 day rule..again a man is taking a woman's word that it's 'safe' that particular day.
Best of luck OP. I don't have any further insight to add.

SusieBlue

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I get what you're saying with your statistics but OP is not in a relationship and the 2 examples he gave were with casual ladies he didn't really know.
I don't think it's fair for a man to take the word of a woman he is not committed with the she is actually on the pill or that she has taken it correctly in that cycle. And furthermore the 5 day rule..again a man is taking a woman's word that it's 'safe' that particular day.
Best of luck OP. I don't have any further insight to add.

He doesn't have to take her word for it, but he certainly isn't in a position to be asking them to take the MAP just to ease his own mind.

If he has such little trust to cause that level of paranoia he simply shouldn't be sleeping with them.

Purple Mountain

SusieBlue wrote: »

He doesn't have to take her word for it, but he certainly isn't in a position to be asking them to take the MAP just to ease his own mind.

If he has such little trust to cause that level of paranoia he simply shouldn't be sleeping with them.

I don't agree but that's life..people's opinions differ.
If a guy asked me to take the MAP due to a concern that there was a potential leakage, I would actually respect him more and be a lot more grateful than an 'it'll be grand' attitude.
Like I said, this ancillary debate isn't answering his question so I'm bowing out.

rainbowtrout

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I get what you're saying with your statistics but OP is not in a relationship and the 2 examples he gave were with casual ladies he didn't really know.
I don't think it's fair for a man to take the word of a woman he is not committed with the she is actually on the pill or that she has taken it correctly in that cycle. And furthermore the 5 day rule..again a man is taking a woman's word that it's 'safe' that particular day.
Best of luck OP. I don't have any further insight to add.

If he didn't know the woman very well that said she was on the pill and couldn't 100% trust what she said, then he should have used a condom or not slept with her. He's still at risk of STDs by not using a condom anyway.
It's not reasonable to expect someone to take a hormonal contraceptive just because of his paranoia.

If you're not 100% sure OP, probably best to hold off on surgery.

leggo

Yeah OP your thought process and experience would suggest you're not even nearly ready enough to get a near-irreversible procedure. Your logic is because your friends who have children all seem stressed...but that's such a tiny aspect of the pros/cons of parenthood. Have you any nieces and nephews that you could perhaps mind for a day to get some perspective? Or even any pets? From an entirely selfish POV alone, having a child and caring for someone can be one of the most rewarding things you can do, give your entire life a sense of purpose and be extremely fun too. You're early into your 30's, but as time goes on pretty much all of your friends will end up going down the family route and you'll have very little else to do or people to do it with. It's also a decent investment for when you're old and infirm that you have children to take care of you, grandchildren to give you joy and generally people to spend time with. There's an auld lad on the road I live on who I've started checking in with when possible: I noticed he's got early stages dementia but no family to care for him or make any important decisions and he spends most days standing at his wall trying to grab anyone who walks by who'll talk to him because he has nobody else. It's really sad tbh. That's the old age you could be deciding to have with this move.

I'm not getting preachy and telling you that you should want children, it's a perfectly valid viewpoint to have. I'm just saying there's a LOT to consider and a lot you're giving up in getting surgery to ensure you don't, when having (what sounds like) relatively infrequent casual sex using condoms while the other person is on the pill is enough to have you covered. If you meet someone you like, then you'll start having regular sex and your perspective may/may not change as you start to build a life together. If you don't then, as you said, eventually it'll become a moot point anyway.

I just don't see any particular need in your life, as you describe it, to make this permanent decision and start a complicated process right now. If I've missed something, though, by all means let me know.

TheBoyConor

Thanks. That old man you speak of does sound very isolated to be honest. That's so sad. Fair play to you for making a bit of time for him.

However, I don't think having someone to talk to when you're really old is enough justification to have a child. A lot of young people move away and might hardly never see their grandparents anyway. But, yeah I get your point.

I do have two nieces of 6 &7 alright and I love them to bits, they are so funny and I love hanging out with them and stuff. They are great and I love having the opportunity to spend time with them which is most weekends. However, the beauty of it is I'm the "fun uncle" and everything is all good craic but I'm thankful that I can give them back to my sister and walk away at the end of the day. My sister is literally run off her feet with them and has little or no chance to do anything outside of work or childcare. I'd have no desire to take on that level of stress and responsibility on a 24/7 basis. The kids are great, but in small doses only.

Another thing that frightens the life out of me is when I see things about children born with very bad special needs or disabilities. I know it's a relativity small chance but I don't know if I could be putting myself in the position of potentially having to deal with that. If I'm honest, it sounds like a dreadfully stressful and sad life for all involved.
And sure by the time I'd meet someone, get married, have the child etc both the mother and myself would likely by 35+ - an age where the chances of disabilities begins to accelerate exponentially due to the effects of both maternal and paternal age. Besides, I don't have any interest in serious relationships and certainly cannot envisage myself wanting to marry in the foreseeable future. Broody women turn me off because I know what they are after and it's incompatible with my outlook. And so so many marriages end up as miserable dead ends it's unreal. Look at all the threads in the divorce and separation forum.

Idle Passerby

I think you're being very sensible in considering a vasectomy. You've obviously put some thought into what you want in life which is admirable. I can completely sympathise about the fear of having a child with a disability when the thought of a healthy one is daunting enough.

For what it's worth, the idea that all women in their 30s are baby mad is a total fallacy. Seeing as you aren't even currently interested in having a relationship, I don't think you need to worry too much about the women whose goal with a man is children.

No one can tell you whether or not you'd regret it in years to come but I don't think there's any harm in setting the ball in motion. If it's anywhere near as difficult as it is for women, it's a process that could take years. It's doubtful you'll have to make a final decision on it this week or next in any case. You might as well begin investigating.

.......

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I don't agree but that's life..people's opinions differ.
If a guy asked me to take the MAP due to a concern that there was a potential leakage, I would actually respect him more and be a lot more grateful than an 'it'll be grand' attitude.
Like I said, this ancillary debate isn't answering his question so I'm bowing out.

The MAP is a massive dose of hormones that can have a severe effect on a womans health.

It is absolutely NOT reasonable to ask someone to take it because you dont trust them.

Without prior agreement that the MAP is the back up plan it should never be assumed that a woman would take it. Many women would be medically contraindicated re taking it and there are only certain times in the cycle where it is effective.

If the OP is so concerned that someone is lying to him about being on the pill then he should either be practising safer sex (ie, using more than one type of contraceptive at a time) or abstaining altogether.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Another thing that frightens the life out of me is when I see things about children born with very bad special needs or disabilities. I know it's a relativity small chance but I don't know if I could be putting myself in the position of potentially having to deal with that. If I'm honest, it sounds like a dreadfully stressful and sad life for all involved.
And sure by the time I'd meet someone, get married, have the child etc both the mother and myself would likely by 35+ - an age where the chances of disabilities begins to accelerate exponentially due to the effects of both maternal and paternal age. Besides, I don't have any interest in serious relationships and certainly cannot envisage myself wanting to marry in the foreseeable future. Broody women turn me off because I know what they are after and it's incompatible with my outlook. And so so many marriages end up as miserable dead ends it's unreal. Look at all the threads in the divorce and separation forum.

OP I'm not going to lie but that sounds like such a pessimistic view on life that you have there. A large number of marriages don't end up in miserable dead ends. Of all the marriages within mine and my partners family I can literally only point to two that might be considered in that range. There's bound to be loads of threads because people will generally post about problems, not how great things are going.

In terms of broody women - is this actually being said or are you presuming because of age? Despite being in a long term relationship and in my early 30's, up until a couple of years ago, I was in no way broody. And if I wasn't with my partner, I don't think I would be at all. It's more I want a family with him, not just a child at any cost.

Yes the risks increase as you get older, however they are still relatively small.

Look I'm not going to try to convince you about children - that's your own decision and completely up to you. But I think a medical procedure to stop that possibility might be on the extreme side considering your age. Men can father children a lot longer than women. My dad was 40 before he got married and had his first child. That wasn't in his plan at your age.

JMNolan

Hi OP. I can't help you too much on whether you will ever want kids or not but I can give you my experience of getting a vasectomy. I was 35, no issue with the age for the guy who did the procedure. Procedure itself was fine, I had the no-scalpel procedure. Sex life afterwards is a lot better as the risk of unexpected pregnancy is very very small. All in all if you are sure you want it then go for it, I haven't had any regrets.

Hurrache

TheBoyConor wrote: »

My sister is literally run off her feet with them and has little or no chance to do anything outside of work or childcare. I'd have no desire to take on that level of stress and responsibility on a 24/7 basis. The kids are great, but in small doses only.

Is the father on the scene? With a small bit of organisation both parents can have plenty of time of activities outside of the family.

TheBoyConor

He is married to her but he's self employed with a few businesses on the go. He's basically a provider but isn't really hands on at all as he's always either away or when he's home he's usually on one phone call after another.

nikkibikki

Purple Mountain wrote:

It's not all on her. He's being responsible using the condom. He became worried that there was a leak. I think it's way more responsible to err on the side of caution and suggest an additional prevention. The time there was no protection worn, it was the lady who said it would be OK as she was taking the pill. OP himself says he was hesitant. I'm sorry OP that we have veered off topic but I felt that you were getting unfair criticism here. I will reply to your question later when I've more time.

Would you be happy to ingest chemical, artificial hormones that will affect you for weeks after every sexual encounter? Especially when one other form of contraception was used?

0cp71eyxkb94qf

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nikkibikki

To the OP, it's good that you are considering it as it shows you yourself don't want all the onus to be on the woman. Contraception options for men though are quite limited. There was talk of a male pill there a few years ago but not sure what happened with that.

I think it's def worth a chat with your GP. They will likely be very reluctant to refer you for one just like that. I think you need to look at other things first. You do seem to have a heightened sense of anxiety around unwanted pregnancies occurring and that might be something that needs addressing. You could also talk to your GP about getting more advice from maybe a sexual health or family planning expert. This is a family planning issue btw, you are planning NOT to have one so it's still valid.

I think you know yourself that it's unreasonable to expect a woman to take MAP unless there's genuine evidence of and concern about condom leakage and not just paranoia that it might have leaked and you don't know.

dudara

Vincent Mammoth Sluggishness wrote: »

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@Vincent Mammoth Sluggishness - Less of this please. It adds exactly nothing to the conversation. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

metamorphosis

To be honest, I think living in fear and having this paranoia about pregnancy needs to be addressed first and foremost, perhaps with counselling, before you even begin to consider such a procedure.

Your thought process is not the norm OP.

Faith

leggo wrote: »

It's also a decent investment for when you're old and infirm that you have children to take care of you, grandchildren to give you joy and generally people to spend time with. There's an auld lad on the road I live on who I've started checking in with when possible: I noticed he's got early stages dementia but no family to care for him or make any important decisions and he spends most days standing at his wall trying to grab anyone who walks by who'll talk to him because he has nobody else. It's really sad tbh. That's the old age you could be deciding to have with this move.

I've gotta jump in here. I worked with older adults, and that's one way to see how having children or grandchildren is NO guarantee that someone will look after you when you're older. I vividly remember one woman who had two kids and several grandchildren. None of them were actively involved with her (they let her spend Christmas on her own, ffs), apart from one grandchild who leached off her to the degree that she was reported to services for financial abuse. That poor woman died virtually penniless and having spent the last 6 years of her life deeply depressed and anxious because of the hell her granddaughter put her through. If you think having children guarantees you a happy later life, you're sadly mistaken.

My husband and I don't plan on having any children, and we've had lots of discussions about how to ensure that we don't end up isolated in our old age.

To address the OP's point, I'd suggest holding off for a few years if you can, at least until you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. How would you feel if you met the woman of your dreams and she desperately wanted children?