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Child Item

Single, 32 and considering a vasectomy.....

TheBoyConor

Hello,

I'm a 32 year old guy and I've been in 2 serious relationships over the years. I am single now about 2 years and over that time i have come to my current thinking that I don't want to have children. I just can see myself adapting into a family life as a father. I don't think I would be happy at it and many parents I know just seem to be in a perpetual state of stress - not the way I want to live. My independence is important to me.

Of course, any time I get with a girl I ensure protection is in place but even so I have mistrusts about it and often can worry a bit for a few weeks afterwards whether anything leaked or that, even though I always check everything afterwards. One time I even asked the girl to get the morning after pill even though the condom didn't break but i was suspicious that it might have leaked around the bottom. Another time I, somewhat reluctantly, got with a woman I was dating without using a condom after she assured me she was on the pill and always is for other issues. In both instances the women assured me there was no need to get the MAP but agreed to just go and get it if it would put my mind at ease.

I feel like I'd be happy to get a vasectomy to rule out the possibilities of accidents but then sometimes I wonder what about if I change my mind about kids in 5 or 10 years time.
However, another thought is that in 10 years time I'll be 42 and likely too old and set in my ways to be taking on having a child so that covers me.

Would I be considered for a vasectomy? I know some physicians are against giving them to single childless men but I then I thought that tends to be more so for young fellas in their 20s. At 32 would they consider me to be old enough to have my mind made up?

All advice appreciated.

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Neyite

The only way to know for sure is to get a doctors consult. Maybe ask your GP to refer you to the correct specialist.

KevinCavan

Wear a Johnny and you’ll be grand.

Big Bag of Chips

I think if you feel strongly enough about it now, you either get a vasectomy, whilst understanding what that means for your future, or you remain celibate. It is really very unfair of you to insist on a woman taking any sort of medication just to ease your mind.

Speak to your GP.

TheBoyConor

I agree, it is not an acceptable move for me to pressure anyone into getting MAP when it probably isn't necessary. I don't want to be thinking that way.

banie01

Neyite wrote: »

The only way to know for sure is to get a doctors consult. Maybe ask your GP to refer you to the correct specialist.

I had a vasectomy at 28, had 1 kid and that was me done.
If you are hesitant about future children, be honest about it with yourself.
You could always bank some sperm, but then conception becomes less of a "happy accident" but more of a clinical decision.
A future partner may want kids, you may be talked around to her way of thinking and then discover she doesn't want to go down the route of insemination.

You are approaching an age where potential partners will be considering their biological clock. What happens if you meet the ultimate woman? Perfect for you but she wants kids?

If a vasectomy is still your preferred choice, don't think of it as reversible, nor as free reign to ride bareback.
Be honest and upfront with any future partner about it and it shouldn't be an issue, but be aware that it could be a deal-breaker for lots of women.

Neyite

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I agree, it is not an acceptable move for me to pressure anyone into getting MAP when it probably isn't necessary. I don't want to be thinking that way.

I doubt you'd like to be pressured into taking an emergency medication that can cause nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, additional or irregular bleeding and abdominal cramps and mood issues for several days afterwards when you had no reason to take it. Some might call that controlling or manipulative behaviour.

Maybe best to stay away from situations where you feel you might pressure a woman into doing that until you get your vasectomy sorted.

Purple Mountain

Neyite wrote: »

I doubt you'd like to be pressured into taking an emergency medication that can cause nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, additional or irregular bleeding and abdominal cramps and mood issues for several days afterwards when you had no reason to take it. Some might call that controlling or manipulative behaviour.

Maybe best to stay away from situations where you feel you might pressure a woman into doing that until you get your vasectomy sorted.

I absolutely do not agree with this at all.
I think OPs cautious attitude is much more applaudable than a lot of single men who have the "it'll be grand" attitude towards pregnancy risk.
I think a little bit of over paranoia is welcome in these situations.
If OP and another consenting adult are practicing casual sex then I'm assuming that an unwanted pregnancy would be a crisis or at best an issue. Read through the threads on boards where people bash unplanned pregnancy or shoddy birth planning that leads to state support..just saying.
What's wrong with a man asking a woman to take the pill to make doubly sure that he's not going to be landed with a baby that neither he nor she bargained for?
If a woman is offended or inconvenienced by emergency contraception then she shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

TheBoyConor

I get that it should be considered permanent. I know it can be revered but it's only 25-30% effective.

Tbh, I feel at the moment that if I met a woman that wanted kids then she wouldn't be my ultimate woman.
However, I don't know whether that might change in a few years.
At the moment I'm not really interested in serious relationships either, and tbh I'm not so keen on the idea of it in the future either.

I fully understand that it is not a licence to unprotected sex, I definitely don't want to end up with an STD so will continue to be careful that way.

I guess what gets to me is the assumed permanency of it.

Neyite

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I absolutely do not agree with this at all.
I think OPs cautious attitude is much more applaudable than a lot of single men who have the "it'll be grand" attitude towards pregnancy risk.
I think a little bit of over paranoia is welcome in these situations.
If OP and another consenting adult are practicing casual sex then I'm assuming that an unwanted pregnancy would be a crisis or at best an issue. Read through the threads on boards where people bash unplanned pregnancy or shoddy birth planning that leads to state support..just saying.
What's wrong with a man asking a woman to take the pill to make doubly sure that he's not going to be landed with a baby that neither he nor she bargained for?
If a woman is offended or inconvenienced by emergency contraception then she shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

What's wrong with a man who absolutely, vehemently does not want a child just using a condom, instead of asking a woman -who was already taking the contraceptive pill correctly - to take the MAP?

If he's offended or inconvenienced by condom usage then he shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

See? It goes both ways. Why's it all on her?

TheBoyConor

I'd just say that that instance where it was with no condom but the woman on the pill only happened once. Any other time I always use one. But I don't trust them and I'm always paranoid that they leak.

Purple Mountain

Neyite wrote: »

What's wrong with a man who absolutely, vehemently does not want a child just using a condom, instead of asking a woman -who was already taking the contraceptive pill correctly - to take the MAP?

If he's offended or inconvenienced by condom usage then he shouldn't be taking potential risks that could lead to an unwanted pregnancy.

See? It goes both ways. Why's it all on her?

It's not all on her.
He's being responsible using the condom.
He became worried that there was a leak.
I think it's way more responsible to err on the side of caution and suggest an additional prevention.
The time there was no protection worn, it was the lady who said it would be OK as she was taking the pill. OP himself says he was hesitant.
I'm sorry OP that we have veered off topic but I felt that you were getting unfair criticism here.
I will reply to your question later when I've more time.

TheBoyConor

Thanks.
No no I'm keen to hear all opinions so I can guage whether my opinion is sane or not.

I'm just really wondering whether my notion of getting snipped is a good idea or inadvisable given that I'm not 110% sure that I'll not change my mind about future children. But I do fully know that it's definitely not something I want in the foreseeable future, even if I was in a great relationship.

Dial Hard

TheBoyConor wrote:

I'm just really wondering whether my notion of getting snipped is a good idea or inadvisable given that I'm not 110% sure that I'll not change my mind about future children. But I do fully know that it's definitely not something I want in the foreseeable future, even if I was in a great relationship.

You won't be given one if the consultant thinks there's even a whisper of a chance your mind isn't completely made up. In fact, as a single, childless man of 32, your chances of anyone performing one for you are slim to none anyway. I'm kind of amazed banie01 was able to find a surgeon in this country willing to perform one at his age.

Tbh, your time, money and effort might be better spent working on this unhealthy paranoia around pregnancy. I don't think anyone here should have to tell you that worrying about an unbroken condom to the point of asking the woman to get the MAP is not the norm. There's being careful and then there's being unreasonable.

banie01

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm kind of amazed banie01 was able to find a surgeon in this country willing to perform one at his age.

It was a loooooong and drawn out process, counselling and multiple GPs had to agree to forward my referral.
It's an interesting slant on bodily autonomy as it shows how hard it can be to enforce it when it comes to reproductive choices.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

In fact, as a single, childless man of 32, your chances of anyone performing one for you are slim to none anyway. I'm kind of amazed banie01 was able to find a surgeon in this country willing to perform one at his age.

That's not true. While some doctors might have stricter criteria not all make you jump through hoops. I recently had one and the conversation on background was 5 minutes with no verification on any of the information I gave. I could have been lying through my teeth. The doctor himself said that while it's rare he has performed them on single people.

There is a thread in the gentelmans club with lots of useful information if the OP is interested.

Purple Mountain

At 32 you are still quite young in terms of male reproduction years.
A lot of couples I know are only having their first child at 34/35.
I hear what you're saying about being in the almost certain mindframe of not wanting children but if you were 10 years older then I'd think it would be more realistic to close yourself off to the idea completely.
There is every chance you might meet a partner in the next few years and the fact that you are not as you say 110% certain over the baby issue, you just never know.
With abortion legal in Ireland now women will have the access to halt an unwanted pregnancy but unfortunately men don't get an opt out clause and are dependent on the woman to make any decisions.
Therefore if a woman you are having casual sex with tells you she is on the pill you are right to have your reservations. She may well be but maybe she forgot to take it this morning?
If you're going to be engaging in casual sex then condoms are great for visual confirmation that there has been contraception precautions. Of course no contraception is 100% safe bar abstinence but I would advise to always wear one, even 2 and have the conversation with the woman first, that you are taking these measures and if in the event that the condom broke, is she willing to seek emergency contraception?
I don't think that's demanding or being a jerk. I think it's mature and it's putting the onus on both parties to be responsible for both their reproductive and sexual health.

Bonniek

If you are adamant you don't want kids like 100% certain then do it. I think someone knows if they want kids or not from a young age.

Dial Hard

Purple Mountain wrote:

I would advise to always wear one, even 2.

Seriously, don't do this.

wiggle16

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Of course no contraception is 100% safe bar abstinence but I would advise to always wear one, even 2 .....

Ah here, come on. That's basic, basic. My 15 year old sister knows not to do that and she also knows why. Honestly like.

TheBoyConor

What's the problem with using a double layer?

LirW

TheBoyConor wrote: »

What's the problem with using a double layer?

Friction can make the layers porous and increase the risk of leakage.

TheBoyConor

Jesus.
Could the friction that happens when wearing just one cause it to become porous too?

Hurrache

As you said, you're 'only' 32 and single. You've no idea how your life is going to play out over the years, or who you'll meet, and how you yourself may change.

I've never met a single man who wants kids. I don't think it's a good idea at the stage of life you're at, and this s coming from someone who had one after kids.

Hurrache

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Jesus.
Could the friction that happens when wearing just one cause it to become porous too?

It's the friction of one against the other.

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Jesus.
Could the friction that happens when wearing just one cause it to become porous too?

No. The lubrication ensures that the condom will not become porous during sex.

The friction between two latex surfaces, such as doubling up with two condoms, is far greater than that between latex and skin and can cause the condoms to rupture or become porous. So you increase your chances of contraceptive failure by using two at the same time.

I don't mean to be condescending, but if you are that concerned about pregnancy, you should really be making yourself aware of the correct use of contraceptives before considering a vasectomy. Or before having sex at all.

TheBoyConor

I know it's not correct use to use 2 condoms and I would never do that cos I know it's a bad move. I just didn't know specifically why - the friction causing porosity.

Neyite

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I know it's not correct use to use 2 condoms and I would never do that cos I know it's a bad move. I just didn't know specifically why - the friction causing porosity.

Basically the two latex surfaces rub off each other and the friction during thrusting causes weakening and rips. So wearing two puts you at more risk of both of them breaking.

You also know about avoiding oil based lubricants or massage oils with condoms too, right?

TheBoyConor

Yes of course.

Neyite

Sorry, was just checking! Still, it might be of benefit to others reading the thread who might not know.

I've another idea for you between now and your vasectomy procedure - it might help a bit more with your anxiety over a potential pregnancy to read up on the female reproductive system and get back to the nitty gritty basics of conception. I would have learned all of this through both school and a very open mother but even so, when I was in my mid thirties and trying for a baby it was surprising how much I'd forgotten over the years - and it's my own plumbing system so you'd think I'd remember!

Like for example, sperm can live for up to 5 days, the ovum only lasts for 12 hrs. So theoretically, there's 5 days in every cycle a woman may potentially get pregnant. Something like 80-300 million sperm per ejaculate, but about 99.9% of those never reach the egg, they die on route. Still, it does only take one to fertilise. Only 1 in 14 million sperm reach the fallopian tube where the egg is travelling so by the end of the travels, there might only be 20 or so viable sperm left - and only then if there's an egg waiting for them can anything happen.

But that's all redundant if she's on the pill or using hormonal contraception, as most variants block pregnancy in several different ways at once such as preventing an egg from releasing, thinning the lining to prevent implantation, or changing the composition of cervical fluid to prevent sperm from entering (and a few more changes that I can't think of off the top of my head.)

Accidents can happen. Of course they can. But there's a complicated procedure involved in each domino step to achieve a pregnancy and to a very large degree correct usage of the pill and condoms makes thing fairly safe. In a steady relationship I suppose you could also triple up by using a female barrier method such as the cap /diaphragm but they need to be fitted and cost a bit so for more casual hookups are not going to be an option.

pwurple

You can also add withdrawal and cycle awareness to your double protection there. On the pill, condom on for penetrative, and withdraw also. It would want to be immaculate conception for pregnancy to occur in that combination.
On your thought process, yes, Parenthood is stressful these days, as we've become more individualistic, and lost the community involvement. So if you can't cope with stress, or you don't see the payoff being worth it, it's not for you. And to some extent, I think it's even eco-friendly not to continue to produce more humans to become consumers, so I don't want to persuade anyone reticent about reproducing, to do so.
However,I know a few people who were absolutely insistent at your age that children were not on the cards. But they either met someone else, lost parents, or through other circumstances, their mind changed.
Of course I also know some people who didn't change their mind too, but you will be asked hard questions when you go for a vasectomy, so be prepared to think them through. What if your family is gone, and it's just you left. Would you feel you missed becoming part of your own new family? What if you met someone, started a serious relationship, and they wanted a family?