Who's single?

Pintman Paddy Losty

Wibbs wrote: »

There would be an element of that alright. However just because someone doesn't want a "normal" relationship, doesn't require someone to be on "the spectrum". That's far too easy an explanation. There can be a multitude of reasons for it. Negative experiences, relationship expectations, societal changes around dating, too busy with careers, even pure bad luck. Plus the plain fact that some may be not so physically attractive and have a much narrower set of options in the first place.

I would also say that within the perfectly normal range of personalities some are much more relationship focused and need one, others are not relationship focused, with most somewhere in the middle.

Consider the divorce rates worldwide averaged out. It's not 50% as some negative nellies seem to believe, but IIRC it's close enough to 1 in 4/5. That's with people who wanted and can form long term relationships past the point where they thought this was forever and they walked down the aisle and still something goes wrong.

Now people incapable of forming relationships is another thing. Even there it's not so clear cut. I personally know two couples where one partner has been formally diagnosed with Aspergers and they seem to be fine and very long term.

Fair point wibbs. There's definitely all shades and reasons for people not wanting relationships but the 50% single rate is definitely not the norm. The poster was happy to see this as he thinks the world would be better off with less people in it.

I was just pointing out that it's wrong to draw conclusions from boards as it's definitely not a representative sample.

I was a bit shocked by the 50% result myself especially given the age profile of people here being 30+.

There definitely is a large cohort of people here who would be close to being on the spectrum. Loner types who prefer the company of a video game over another person. Hence the large amount of singles.

Sunny Disposition

I’m not single, if ye could see me ye would know why.

eviltwin

I wonder what kind of relationships some of you have had if you feel that you can only be free if you are single.

Zero Point

Wibbs wrote: »

Plus the plain fact that some may be not so physically attractive and have a much narrower set of options in the first place.

While there is an element of truth to this, I think when it comes to incels and their attitude, it's their ugliness inside that works against them and is the bigger cause of their singledom. They just can't seem to get their head around that.

That guy they plucked from oblivion, St Black Ops, and use as an iconic stereotypical incel - without even knowing anything about him - but if the guy himself had a decent personality and ditched the unfortunate haircut, you could actually see him doing quite well with women.

JohnnyFlash

eviltwin wrote: »

I wonder what kind of relationships some of you have had if you feel that you can only be free if you are single.

Ya, that’s the thing. Some of the responses here are depressingly individualistic. Notions that relationships involve trundling around IKEA every Sunday, or putting your entire life on hold for the other person. That can happen, but I’d hazard that it’s very much not the norm.

A good loving relationship is the best thing in the world. If she’s a goer in the leaba then all the better!

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Ya, that’s the thing. Some of the responses here are depressingly individualistic. Notions that relationships involve trundling around IKEA every Sunday, or putting your entire life on hold for the other person. That can happen, but I’d hazard that it’s very much not the norm.

A good loving relationship is the best thing in the world. If she’s a goer in the leaba then all the better!

Yeah there seems to be different sorts. There definitely is the few very contented and happy people who are single by choice. More power to them I say. Wouldn't be for me but everyone is different.

There is however a big undercurrent of anger and bitterness in some of the posts. It's as if they have to rationalise their own singledom so they do so by denigrating relationships and portraying them using the usual tropes of going to IKEA and watching soaps together. A boring and drab life. Whilst the single man is free to do as he pleases. He just so happens to choose to play video games and eat frozen pizzas.

I think the mid to late 30s are a difficult time for the perpetually singles. They become ever more isolated as more and more of their friends drift away and travel the well worn path od marriage and families. They then resent the world and women in particular for their isolation. I feel like the saturation of violent pornography that a lot of these young men watch has a part to play in their attitudes as well. It leads them to have very warped views about women and sexuality. I suspect there's also a link between the uptake in this type of porn and the popularity of MMA amongst single angry young men.

The single women is probably a less complex issue.

Wibbs

Zero Point wrote: »

While there is an element of truth to this, I think when it comes to incels and their attitude, it's their ugliness inside that works against them and is the bigger cause of their singledom. They just can't seem to get their head around that.

There's a huge element of that alright, though a fair number seem to be not exactly adonis. Add in many who seem to have serious mental and emotional problems and suffer from a lack of basic socialisation that should happen in childhood and adolescence. A better haircut wouldn't help there.

I think there are roughly two types of people(mostly men) in this equation: Those who are "incels", involuntary celibates. They have or feel they have no choice in the matter, so rather than try to change that, their understandable response is to attach a label to themselves and seek out others of their kind to reinforce their worldview. The interwebs has really fostered this kinda group thinking and not just among them. Of the men I've met who might be described as incels every single one of them were desperate to be in a relationship.

The other type have choice to one degree or other, but choose to remain single, or at least don't actively seek out "serious" relationships. A semblance of choice marks the difference.

Other groups like the MGTOW(men go their own way) can be incels, but seem to be more made up of men who have come out of a run of bad relationships or divorce, where their often initially naive romantic optimism flips hard over to cynicism and pessimism. They also tend to find their peers on the interwebs. "Red Pill" types follow a similar trend. Though of all the types seem to want to work to increase their choice and self improve, however cack handed the methods and views involved.



In short if someone chooses to be single even though they have options, that's one thing. If someone has or thinks they have no choice in the matter, that's something quite different.

anewme

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

There definitely is a large cohort of people here who would be close to being on the spectrum. Loner types who prefer the company of a video game over another person. Hence the large amount of singles.

Ah now here, speak for yourself!

I suppose in fairness, the older you get, the more set in your ways you get. I'm ar the stage now where I'm fairly intolerant and have no time for messers or drama in any aspect of my life.

As regards women, not every woman wants to be, or is cut out to be a mother. I know I'm not. I'm way too selfish. I see a lot of women similar, but who have gone ahead, got married, had the children,and now resent the way their life has gone. Same with men. A lot of unhappy middle aged people out there.

And yet every day I get asked "how is someone like you single". It's said as in a how did it happen way rather the obvious one which would be - I choose to be.

corks finest

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I don't live in Ireland anymore, but returned recently for a spate of weddings, one friend got engaged while I was there, and I noticed that I got asked approximately 531 times why I was single, or if I had a fella yet, or if "I'd be next" *wink wink*

I don't think I've ever had that many questions or that much curiosity about my love life in such a short time period, I live abroad and while a lot of people are married or coupled up, there's a strong percentage of single/divorced/not arsed dating folks in pretty much all walks of life over here too.

I'm 33, female and a total ride, obviously. I broke up with a long-term ex about a year ago and am far too fragile to consider new relationships just yet...but all the same, harbour notions about returning home in a year or two and finding some miraculously gorgeous Irish man who was equally unlucky in the love stakes (until I walk in, obv)

So general essay about my life story aside - are you single? And what age are you? And if so, why?

ETA: how does one add a poll around here?

Enjoy the freedom girl

corks finest

Wibbs wrote: »

Zero Point wrote: »

While there is an element of truth to this, I think when it comes to incels and their attitude, it's their ugliness inside that works against them and is the bigger cause of their singledom. They just can't seem to get their head around that.

There's a huge element of that alright, though a fair number seem to be not exactly adonis. Add in many who seem to have serious mental and emotional problems and suffer from a lack of basic socialisation that should happen in childhood and adolescence. A better haircut wouldn't help there.

I think there are roughly two types of people(mostly men) in this equation: Those who are "incels", involuntary celibates. They have or feel they have no choice in the matter, so rather than try to change that, their understandable response is to attach a label to themselves and seek out others of their kind to reinforce their worldview. The interwebs has really fostered this kinda group thinking and not just among them. Of the men I've met who might be described as incels every single one of them were desperate to be in a relationship.

The other type have choice to one degree or other, but choose to remain single, or at least don't actively seek out "serious" relationships. A semblance of choice marks the difference.

Other groups like the MGTOW(men go their own way) can be incels, but seem to be more made up of men who have come out of a run of bad relationships or divorce, where their often initially naive romantic optimism flips hard over to cynicism and pessimism. They also tend to find their peers on the interwebs. "Red Pill" types follow a similar trend. Though of all the types seem to want to work to increase their choice and self improve, however cack handed the methods and views involved.



In short if someone chooses to be single even though they have options, that's one thing. If someone has or thinks they have no choice in the matter, that's something quite different.

Personally wouldn't get involved again at gunpoint,for either love,sex,or money

suicide_circus

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Ya, that’s the thing. Some of the responses here are depressingly individualistic. Notions that relationships involve trundling around IKEA every Sunday, or putting your entire life on hold for the other person

conversely the notion that the life of the singleton is all exhilarating liaisons in Swiss chalets, finding inner peace and a bottomless disposable income

Tell me how

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote:

I think the mid to late 30s are a difficult time for the perpetually singles. They become ever more isolated as more and more of their friends drift away and travel the well worn path od marriage and families. They then resent the world and women in particular for their isolation. I feel like the saturation of violent pornography that a lot of these young men watch has a part to play in their attitudes as well. It leads them to have very warped views about women and sexuality. I suspect there's also a link between the uptake in this type of porn and the popularity of MMA amongst single angry young men.

There's 2 theses and about 10 threads in this paragraph alone.

I think the assessment of 'incels' is often as wide of the mark as the way some said 'incels' view women.

misstearheus

Single and 38. Reason: Likely because I'm odd and weird. :pac:

The other day I saw a couple leaving a Car-Park just as I was walking back to my Car. Guy was holding Toddler and I heard him say to girl with him; - That Nap should do him now for the evening. And I was like, Wow! How good would it be to find a guy that takes interest in something else other than sex!

Where are those guys that have interest in kids and life and general-living and other things not related to sex?!? Where are they?!? In my existence, there only seems to be guys that just want fun and nothing else! Any mention of doing anything hanging-out-y is rarely acknowledged or entertained!

It must be such a good feeling, to have a fella and be able to do things solely for that specific purpose. It must feel so so good! And not always having to be one step ahead! A simple Road-trip or just going somewhere or doing something or a Weekend away or whatever.

It shouldn't have to be a feicing wish or a dream! :mad::rolleyes:

The thoughts of just spontaneously heading off for a drive on a fine day to get out of the house, appreciate the Weather and spend time together would be a lovely consideration but instead that isn't an option, the only purpose of said drive would be Car-fun or him eying up the Back-seat. The thoughts of just going somewhere to do something for a general-purpose Day-out to hang out? Noooooooope! The day would be spent wasted on listening to him whining let's go home and have fun there. The thoughts of a Weekend away?!? Hahahahahahahahahahahahah. A Weekend consideration of going away somewhere new, browse around, Shop, sit by Beach, etc. etc. is not the same as 48 hours switching up snoozing and sexing and not leaving the bed. Nothing wrong with any of these things either but maybe not as the only one specific option available or the sole 100% focus of being together all the time!

But then a thought surfaces and circles, maybe I'm better off in the do-as-I-please ranks. 'Cos does it really get any better?!? Have never lived with a Partner, but, I can only imagine that the Adulting and responsibilities game gets mundane and boring fast! Going out to work, and keeping-house, and Bill-splitting, and rearing kids, and trying to fit in Bedroom-fun and hanging-out-y general-fun into life must be a difficult task and seem just like another Chore! So maybe I'm better off as I am and not a part of all that!

There's an insane amount of guys online, Separated and only yet in their mid-thirties. There's a HUMONGOUS amount of guys online cheating. There's a surprising few on there too, a small few but still a representative number, that maintain they would cheat but say they love their O.H. and fully-intend on staying with their O.H. and never leave them. Ah it's a funny ole place we live in today!

Gimme A Pound

Not referring to the thread title because that's different, but I just don't get why people care if a person is single. It really seems to bother some folk.

Even as a kid I didn't get it. My uncle didn't get married until his late 40s and there would be a big deal made out of his bachelorhood behind his back every so often when he was in his 30s and I was a child. I couldn't understand why it consumed others so much.

Now I do get people remarking on those who keep going out of their way to criticise relationships, but the stuff the opening poster was talking about, like at the wedding, needing to know so badly whether they are seeing someone. Why would it give them such happiness if she were no longer single?

WinOrLearn BusFighter

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I did the dumping actually, and I'm still in my early 30s.
Thanks for the concern though

If I did the dumping it wouldn't take me a year to get over it!

Wibbs

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

The single women is probably a less complex issue.

Why? Because the single men are somehow automatically more dodgy and weird? I've known just as many seriously bitter or emotionally dysfunctional or just plain odd single women who can't seem to understand why men don't hang around for long, if ever. There's also the pretty common Woman with a List™. The list contains boxes to be ticked in a yay or nay fashion on every potential partner they meet. Ends up more a like a job interview than a date. "Will I be asked back for a second round of interviews?".

There's also the "Must get hitched and pregnant Now!™" sort. Usually bounced from one relationship to the next, often with overlap and often with unsuitable blokes, then gets to a point in life where they hear the music slowing down and don't want to be stuck standing when that game of musical chairs stops. They're looking for any bloke who passes some muster with their family and peers and Facebook and least likely to pass out drunk on Her Big Day.

Then there are the atomic powered Drama Queens. Pure head wreck. Or the Irish Mammies™ in training who are looking for a man to moan about and control.

Now these are a minority of women. A sizeable enough minority mind you and one that tends to grow with age group. Just as normal single women often express an understandable jadedness with many of the men on offer in the single world, normal single men can also have this understandable jadedness with many of the women on offer in the single world.

Being a pain in the bum is no respecter of the lines of gender, or sexuality.

Wanderer2010

Tell me how wrote: »

Well, isn't it nice that people care and are interested to enquire?

I'd prefer that society over one where everyone is thinking of themselves.

In a way, but what makes it uncomfortable is that when you reply you are single and not looking, the other person seems to take that as the end of the conversation and then they make excuses to leave the conversation. Then you are left thinking "Wow, the only way they see me as worthy of a chat is if im seeing someone or talking about our relationship or future wedding"..

Those folks annoy me. People are more than a relationship.

JeffKenna

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

In a way, but what makes it uncomfortable is that when you reply you are single and not looking, the other person seems to take that as the end of the conversation and then they make excuses to leave the conversation. Then you are left thinking "Wow, the only way they see me as worthy of a chat is if im seeing someone or talking about our relationship or future wedding"..

Those folks annoy me. People are more than a relationship.

Perhaps it's the nature of your response that makes people leave the conversation as opposed to you being single?

ginandtonicsky

WinOrLearn BusFighter wrote: »

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I did the dumping actually, and I'm still in my early 30s.
Thanks for the concern though

If I did the dumping it wouldn't take me a year to get over it!

That would make logical sense yeah. I suppose the heart is a funny thing. I never fell out of love with him really.

Wibbs

Patrick Gray Blowgun wrote: »

Not referring to the thread title because that's different, but I just don't get why people care if a person is single. It really seems to bother some folk.

Even as a kid I didn't get it. My uncle didn't get married until his late 40s and there would be a big deal made out of his bachelorhood behind his back every so often when he was in his 30s and I was a child. I couldn't understand why it consumed others so much.

Now I do get people remarking on those who keep going out of their way to criticise relationships, but the stuff the opening poster was talking about, like at the wedding, needing to know so badly whether they are seeing someone. Why would it give them such happiness that she is no longer single...

I would say it's because of a very strong social contract that drives people towards domesticity for the sake of the wider group. I suspect it was strongly selected for in our evolutionary past. An interesting thing about human evolution is that compared to previous species of humans we physically look like domesticated versions of them. Over time there has been a reduction in the size of facial features, an increase in neoteny, that is the retention of youthful features in adulthood. Very basically they looked like wolves(and may have acted similarly) and we look more like dogs. The other thing that changed was the size of the groups we started to live in. Previous humans lived in small closely related family groups of not much more than ten or fifteen individuals. We come along and the groups get much larger and contain many more non familial links. Larger groups need mechanisms to reduce social stress and aggression. Individuals need to literally "settle down" for the sake of the group. A group of a hundred or more can't afford to have perpetual teenagers. In essence we domesticated ourselves and the kind of thing you're describing is a big part of that and one big reason why single people beyond a certain age are commented upon or actively set up with other single people, or even in some cases socially excluded. For the vast majority of human history a single person was single for much of their lives for very good reasons, usually negative ones.

grindle

anewme wrote: »

And yet every day I get asked "how is someone like you single". It's said as in a how did it happen way rather the obvious one which would be - I choose to be.

Take it as a compliment, somebody's talking to you and thinking to themselves "wtf, anewme's a catch - why aren't they snagged up yet?"

anewme

grindle wrote: »

Take it as a compliment, somebody's talking to you and thinking to themselves "wtf, anewme's a catch - why aren't they snagged up yet?"

More like they are thinking I'm outwardly ok so must be a real nutter or bunny boiler.

They are only half right!

Tell me how

Wanderer2010 wrote:

In a way, but what makes it uncomfortable is that when you reply you are single and not looking, the other person seems to take that as the end of the conversation and then they make excuses to leave the conversation. Then you are left thinking "Wow, the only way they see me as worthy of a chat is if im seeing someone or talking about our relationship or future wedding"..

Seriously, how many times has that happened?

Someone asks are you single.
You say yes, and happily so.
They walk away.

Unless they were trying to hook up with you, I can't imagine it's a frequent occurrence. Not enough to classify as a national behavior anyway.

corks finest

suicide_circus wrote: »

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Ya, that’s the thing. Some of the responses here are depressingly individualistic. Notions that relationships involve trundling around IKEA every Sunday, or putting your entire life on hold for the other person

conversely the notion that the life of the singleton is all exhilarating liaisons in Swiss chalets, finding inner peace and a bottomless disposable income

Think you're right,I'm single ,but have my son 5 days a week,(thank God) without him in my life I'd probably be looking,but really content without a woman for year's, obviously miss the companionship,and sex,am poor but happy

grindle

anewme wrote: »

More like they are thinking I'm outwardly ok so must be a real nutter or bunny boiler.

They are only half right!

Stewed rabbit is pretty tasty and you have culinary skills to boot? Even more of a catch.

WhiteMemento9

Patrick Gray Blowgun wrote: »

Not referring to the thread title because that's different, but I just don't get why people care if a person is single. It really seems to bother some folk.

People love talking about things they are confident about as it is safe ground. So if they are in a relationship this seems to give them a sense of security to wax lyrical about the topic and probe to their heart's content like they are a guru on the topic. Often the relationships they are in seem highly dysfunctional from the outside but love is blind and who I am to judge. It can be rather funny though when all you are thinking as they talk is I wouldn't want your life for all the tea in China.

ChikiChiki

I'm a singleton for last 18 months after a 4 yr realationship and love it. I've always been a fiercly independent person. I do my own thing, love going out, meeting different people and experiencing different personalities. Currently building my career in a specialised field by 35 is my main goal so not that bothered about a relationship until I'm content and happy doing what I do.

Friends and fam on the other hand keep asking why I'm not settling especially as everyone seems to be around 30 and really I couldn't give a fook!!

WinOrLearn BusFighter

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

That would make logical sense yeah. I suppose the heart is a funny thing. I never fell out of love with him really.

I wouldn't really know. As Joe Jackson said, "it's different for girls".

ChikiChiki

misstearheus wrote: »

Single and 38. Reason: Likely because I'm odd and weird. :pac:

The other day I saw a couple leaving a Car-Park just as I was walking back to my Car. Guy was holding Toddler and I heard him say to girl with him; - That Nap should do him now for the evening. And I was like, Wow! How good would it be to find a guy that takes interest in something else other than sex!

Where are those guys that have interest in kids and life and general-living and other things not related to sex?!? Where are they?!? In my existence, there only seems to be guys that just want fun and nothing else! Any mention of doing anything hanging-out-y is rarely acknowledged or entertained!

It must be such a good feeling, to have a fella and be able to do things solely for that specific purpose. It must feel so so good! And not always having to be one step ahead! A simple Road-trip or just going somewhere or doing something or a Weekend away or whatever.

It shouldn't have to be a feicing wish or a dream! :mad::rolleyes:

The thoughts of just spontaneously heading off for a drive on a fine day to get out of the house, appreciate the Weather and spend time together would be a lovely consideration but instead that isn't an option, the only purpose of said drive would be Car-fun or him eying up the Back-seat. The thoughts of just going somewhere to do something for a general-purpose Day-out to hang out? Noooooooope! The day would be spent wasted on listening to him whining let's go home and have fun there. The thoughts of a Weekend away?!? Hahahahahahahahahahahahah. A Weekend consideration of going away somewhere new, browse around, Shop, sit by Beach, etc. etc. is not the same as 48 hours switching up snoozing and sexing and not leaving the bed. Nothing wrong with any of these things either but maybe not as the only one specific option available or the sole 100% focus of being together all the time!

But then a thought surfaces and circles, maybe I'm better off in the do-as-I-please ranks. 'Cos does it really get any better?!? Have never lived with a Partner, but, I can only imagine that the Adulting and responsibilities game gets mundane and boring fast! Going out to work, and keeping-house, and Bill-splitting, and rearing kids, and trying to fit in Bedroom-fun and hanging-out-y general-fun into life must be a difficult task and seem just like another Chore! So maybe I'm better off as I am and not a part of all that!

There's an insane amount of guys online, Separated and only yet in their mid-thirties. There's a HUMONGOUS amount of guys online cheating. There's a surprising few on there too, a small few but still a representative number, that maintain they would cheat but say they love their O.H. and fully-intend on staying with their O.H. and never leave them. Ah it's a funny ole place we live in today!

50% of the time you could replace guy with woman.

Ridiculously generalising post.

ginandtonicsky

Yeah I find most men I meet at this age want the whole package tbh, or at least are vocal about wanting to settle down and have kids at some point. It’s probably one of good things about dating in your 30s IME - fewer guys trying to get into your pants and less of that “would get up on the crack of dawn” whiff off them generally. Have been around the block and have somewhat mellowed out.

Found that post really surprising tbh.