I feel hurt and foolish

mj123

milli milli wrote: »

OP, modern dating is really crap. Unfortunately this kind of unaccountable behaviour is becoming the norm.
I can understand people trying to save other people’s feelings but in life, we need to have uncomfortable conversations.
People who ghost are usually emotionally immature/unavailable, lack awareness of other people’s feelings and their communication skills aren’t up to par.

I totally sympathize with your position, it’s a despicable way to treat people, but in time you’ll see that he was no great loss.
Take care of yourself this weekend, do something nice and then do your best to move onto better things.

P.S. as others have said, the best thing you can do for yourself is to act indifferent towards him. If you call him and go on a rant (knowing he’s lost interest in you) then that will solve nothing. It’s not going to make him fall in love with you. He’s not worth getting angry over and you’ll just regret it in time

thank you for your advice and kind words.

So would the majority of people feel the best thing to do is just leave him altogether and let him off? You guys obv have experience and can assess the situation better. My friend said she would text and ask him whats going on etc. and part of me would like to to as I am angry but dont want to make a t*t of myself either. On the other side I do feel like I should be given some sort of response and basic manners and hate letting him just treat me like this.

QueenRizla

mj123 wrote: »

On the other side I do feel like I should be given some sort of response and basic manners and hate letting him just treat me like this.

It’s done, silence is your response. If you want to make it all about him and his opinion is important to you by all means chase him to tell you what you already know. But be searingly honest about your motives. It seems like you just want any sort of attention from him and are holding out hope. Today is Saturday, make some plans with your friend not fretting about trying to get a response from someone who is not interested. He has already delivered the message, actions speak louder then words. But if you need a more formal dumping, go for it.

mj123

Suppose your right just obviously I’m just angry and upset and natural response is to give a piece of my mind or just some acknowledgement to my message.

But if I do text then I’ll have to worry about a response, if I don’t get one I’ll be worse. If I do then he could say it but then, as weird as this sounds, but it’s easier hate him this way when he’s the one treating me like s***.

I’m just really hurt that’s all, I’ve shed tears this morning as it’s just such a horrible feeling and completely horrible way to be to someone

Porklife

milli milli wrote: »

OP, modern dating is really crap. Unfortunately this kind of unaccountable behaviour is becoming the norm.
I can understand people trying to save other people’s feelings but in life, we need to have uncomfortable conversations.
People who ghost are usually emotionally immature/unavailable, lack awareness of other people’s feelings and their communication skills aren’t up to par.

I totally sympathize with your position, it’s a despicable way to treat people, but in time you’ll see that he was no great loss.
Take care of yourself this weekend, do something nice and then do your best to move onto better things.

P.S. as others have said, the best thing you can do for yourself is to act indifferent towards him. If you call him and go on a rant (knowing he’s lost interest in you) then that will solve nothing. It’s not going to make him fall in love with you. He’s not worth getting angry over and you’ll just regret it in time

I don't think it's fair or accurate to say that people who ghost lack awareness or are immature. Everyone does it these days and with that logic, everyone has had it happen to them. I certainly have!

OP, I completely understand how you feel and it's horrible. I was seeing a guy during the summer who did the exact same thing to me. He left me hanging one weekend after suggesting we visit his home in Cork. I even booked the Monday off work. Like you, I needed an answer and I got one but as you can guess, it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
He said he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and she had gotten in touch. That made him realise how little he was into me. He also said we can still 'hook up' though if you want. Agghhhhhh
My sister has a friend who got ghosted at her dad's funeral!! She was seeing a guy for a few months. Her dad died and her bf didn't show up at the funeral and blanked her!

You'll be OK darling. You are of course worth more than a text. People on here have given you lots of words. He lost interest and acted cowardly but messaging him is cringe. You will feel so much worse. Hell either ignore you or tell you outright he's not into you. Ugh. Who needs that?! Get dressed up and hit the town and score a hot new bloke!! 🔥🀣ðŸ‘

unreg999

milli milli wrote: »

OP, modern dating is really crap. Unfortunately this kind of unaccountable behaviour is becoming the norm.
I can understand people trying to save other people’s feelings but in life, we need to have uncomfortable conversations.
People who ghost are usually emotionally immature/unavailable, lack awareness of other people’s feelings and their communication skills aren’t up to par.

I totally sympathize with your position, it’s a despicable way to treat people, but in time you’ll see that he was no great loss.
Take care of yourself this weekend, do something nice and then do your best to move onto better things.

P.S. as others have said, the best thing you can do for yourself is to act indifferent towards him. If you call him and go on a rant (knowing he’s lost interest in you) then that will solve nothing. It’s not going to make him fall in love with you. He’s not worth getting angry over and you’ll just regret it in time

Totally agree with this.. ghosting someone is cruel and immature for whatever reasons.
There is no 'sparing their feelings' what you're actually doing is sparing your own.

It's very childish, adults and grown ups do not do that, they know that sometimes they have to live with a bit of discomfort themselves to be kind to other humans who have feelings.

I'm sorry that this man-baby wasn't able to do that for you after sharing your bed and your life for a few months OP but really isn't it so much better that you see that now rather than in 6 months or 2 years time?

Mind yourself for now and focus on you, try to do something nice for yourself over the weekend and you will be fine x

Oh and I can almost guarantee you haven't heard the end of him, when he comes knocking again (he probably will) either with some over dramatic sob story or pretending nothing happened PLEASE remember this feeling and that you are worth SO much more than this... he WAS online and a text would have taken literally 5 seconds to write.
He will either contact you again for one of 4 reasons-
1. He knows what he did was wrong and though he has no intention of being with you he will want to try to make himself feel better by 'checking in on you' to feel like what he did was ok
2. It will be a booty call and nothing more
3. He will be bored and you will be an easy distraction
4. His confidence has taken a blow for some reason and he will need a pick-me-up from someone he knows liked him

Just ignore him, you won't ever get 'closure' or the true answers you're looking for (and entitled to) no matter what x

unreg999

Porklife wrote: »

I don't think it's fair or accurate to say that people who ghost lack awareness or are immature. Everyone does it these days and with that logic, everyone has had it happen to them. I certainly have!

I don't agree that 'everyone does it', it does happen

OP do you have another thread open on this very same issue? My apologies if not.

I have been where you are countless times. I've heard it all and been left terribly disappointed and hurt. The thing is though that while ghosting is cowardly there isn't a single thing you can do about it. The exact same applies to the end of all relationships. When one person decides they want out then no amount of wondering or thinking or trying to figure it out will change that.

The impression I'm getting from this thread is that you might be looking for validation that he is an absolutely horrible human and you are a victim. It was a few months OP. Yes he is in the wrong but for your own sake draw a line under it.

Porklife

unreg999 wrote: »

I don't agree that 'everyone does it', it does happen

I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced it in some way. It happens to everyone and everyone these days does it. It's a sad fact.

LLMMLL

Porklife wrote: »

I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced it in some way. It happens to everyone and everyone these days does it. It's a sad fact.

No not everyone does it. It’s the opposite of a fact.

Porklife

LLMMLL wrote: »

No not everyone does it. It’s the opposite of a fact.

If you want to be pedantic fine. It's not a fact literally but it's certainly the rule. It's happened to me so many times that I almost expect it at this stage. I'm not condoning it. I absolutely hate it. It's so cruel and pathetic. If you're not into somebody have the decency to tell them.
I've only done it in terms of chatting to a guy online and then going meh and fading out. I've never slept with someone and ignored them. I've never even ignored a text.
It has been done to me and all my friends loads though!

wiggle16

Lads, this is becoming a general discussion of ghosting - keep in mind that you're responding to the OP. No more general discussion in the thread please.

yogi37

QueenRizla wrote: »

It’s done, silence is your response. If you want to make it all about him and his opinion is important to you by all means chase him to tell you what you already know. But be searingly honest about your motives. It seems like you just want any sort of attention from him and are holding out hope. Today is Saturday, make some plans with your friend not fretting about trying to get a response from someone who is not interested. He has already delivered the message, actions speak louder then words. But if you need a more formal dumping, go for it.

I dont get this. OP was seeing this guy for three months. If he has completely ignored a message about arranging to get together I cannot understand why she would not get in touch with him and ask whats going on. This will not cost the OP a thing and they might get some response.

It sounds like this relationship may be going nowhere but I dont see why a direct question to the other half is such a big deal and making it "all about him". Mind you, it is a long time since I dated and I've never done online dating, maybe I'm not aware of modern protocall.

OP, I'd text and ask whats going on.

milli milli

Porklife wrote: »

I don't think it's fair or accurate to say that people who ghost lack awareness or are immature. Everyone does it these days and with that logic, everyone has had it happen to them. I certainly have!
‘

Not everyone does it. It might be the ‘norm’ now, but instead of people following like sheep, some will think for themselves and take personal responsibility.
An emotionally immature person avoids, and takes the easy path. A mature person will accept responsibility and have the uncomfortable conversations.

milli milli

wiggle16 wrote: »

Lads, this is becoming a general discussion of ghosting - keep in mind that you're responding to the OP. No more general discussion in the thread please.

Sorry just saw this now.
I wanted to make the OP feel better about herself by explaining ‘ghosters’ aren’t worth her time.

QueenRizla

yogi37 wrote: »

I cannot understand why she would not get in touch with him and ask whats going on. This will not cost the OP a thing and they might get some response.

Mind you, it is a long time since I dated and I've never done online dating, maybe I'm not aware of modern protocall.

OP, I'd text and ask whats going on.

It’s not so much modern protocol yogi, these days it is so easy to keep in contact with someone through multiple platforms that when someone stops contacting you it is very clear message that they aren’t interested. Also you’ll notice people who have experienced it a bit will usually tell you that reaching out to someone who is online and ignoring you only keeps the pain going and never ends well.
I do get where you are coming from though. You get over it faster by unfocusing from the person.
OP you should honestly though think long and hard about your motives for texting, if it is not guaranteed to make you feel better I wouldn’t bother.

Porklife

milli milli wrote: »

Not everyone does it. It might be the ‘norm’ now, but instead of people following like sheep, some will think for themselves and take personal responsibility.
An emotionally immature person avoids, and takes the easy path. A mature person will accept responsibility and have the uncomfortable conversations.

I completely agree with you. I think I came across accepting or blasé about it and I'm not. It's so horrible and it really hurts. It's happened to me so many times lately that I feel like everyone is doing it.
Back on track though, Op you really will be fine. Feel the hurt but know it'll get better. It's horrible though and I totally get how you feel. Big big hugs x

mj123

I know you guys may think I’m in denial or something but it doesn’t make a lot of sense in some ways. We were texting grand both talking about normal stuff, he asked me when I was working I told him and asked when was he free again, he told me and asked ‘what about you’ then I asked him since we’re both free did he want to meet. What doesn’t make sense if why he’d ask my plans and get it to the stage of asking to meet then just drop off. Esp as we were talking ok until that point also.

mj123

yogi37 wrote: »

I dont get this. OP was seeing this guy for three months. If he has completely ignored a message about arranging to get together I cannot understand why she would not get in touch with him and ask whats going on. This will not cost the OP a thing and they might get some response.

It sounds like this relationship may be going nowhere but I dont see why a direct question to the other half is such a big deal and making it "all about him". Mind you, it is a long time since I dated and I've never done online dating, maybe I'm not aware of modern protocall.

OP, I'd text and ask whats going on.

What would I say though if I were to text? I really don’t know how to phrase a message at this stage

QueenRizla

mj123 wrote: »

What would I say though if I were to text? I really don’t know how to phrase a message at this stage

Depends, what do you want to convey/Get accross? What are you trying to get out of this?

mj123

QueenRizla wrote: »

Depends, what do you want to convey/Get accross? What are you trying to get out of this?

I’m just asking in general as some posters are saying to text some are saying no so I’m just thinking if the posters who say they would text were to text what would they say basically

QueenRizla

mj123 wrote: »

I’m just asking in general as some posters are saying to text some are saying no so I’m just thinking if the posters who say they would text were to text what would they say basically

OP if you want to text do it for yourself and because it will make you feel better. But if you don’t even know what to say, first figure out what you are looking to achieve from this. If you don’t know that why are you texting?

If you really want to text him you should have an idea what. Think about it anyway op, it should come from you.

Sittingpretty

mj123 wrote: »

I know you guys may think I’m in denial or something but it doesn’t make a lot of sense in some ways. We were texting grand both talking about normal stuff, he asked me when I was working I told him and asked when was he free again, he told me and asked ‘what about you’ then I asked him since we’re both free did he want to meet. What doesn’t make sense if why he’d ask my plans and get it to the stage of asking to meet then just drop off. Esp as we were talking ok until that point also.

What difference will it make what you say? nothing you say will make him text you back and. (Most likely) your next text will be ignored also. How will you feel then?

It may be blunt to say but if he hasn’t died or had someone die or is in hospital or unconscious then he just doesn’t think enough of you to be bothered and is most likely hoping you get the message. Is it cruel? YES most certainly. Instead of making you feel worthless and “ghosted” it should give you a good indication of the type of calibre of person he is and realise that although you’re hurt right now, you’ve had a near miss and there is WAY better out there for you.

Do whatever is good for you, I totally agree with the poster that said make some plans with your friend for the evening. Turn off your phone and go to the movies and be good to yourself.

All the very best

mj123

mj123 wrote: »

I’m just asking in general as some posters are saying to text some are saying no so I’m just thinking if the posters who say they would text were to text what would they say basically

I would ask again, very casually, if he wants to do something. "Hey not sure if you got my text but if you'd like to do something let me know".

Absolutely do not send a message about how terrible he is and how hurt you are. If you want to text make it easygoing and focused on meeting up.

In saying all that the best thing to do I think is to leave it be. It's not easy I know but keep your self -worth in place. Again he is the one who is behaving badly but you don't need to compromise your dignity or have the situation validated.

Flippyfloppy

I wouldn’t be bothered texting, especially about doing anything tonight. He has your contact details there’s no reason he can’t use them.

Ursus Horribilis

Like in the other thread linked to here, opinions differ on whether to text or not. The decision is entirely up to you. Whatever you do, do not send something that you'll cringe at when you're feeling less fraught. Keep it neutral

ginandtonicsky

OP, you’re obsessing.

If you’re going to Online date, you better make sure your head is glued on straight and there’s no emotional chink in your armour that will be triggered when you inevitably are ghosted, faded out, flaked on, ignored or treated generally less than you deserve.

I’m aware you are also human and have developed feelings, but Blairbear’s approach is the most practical and pragmatic way of using these apps without letting them and the crappy men you meet on them control how you fundamentally feel about yourself. Don’t give any man that power!!!

Some men will think you’re a goddess, others will think you’re “grand for now”, others won’t want anything to do with you. Each and every man is different. Your current Ghoster is probably of the “grand for now” ilk and he’s now not arsed and not even being a half gentleman about it. Or maybe he’s clueless and doesn’t actually know how to court a woman (met this fella too and would say he’s actually a worse type)

Ultimately it boils down to the same thing - this behaviour does not support long-term happiness or someone you’ll have in your life in ten years, so have the self-respect and self-esteem to walk away. Ghosting is shyte but it ain’t gonna end any time soon, especially now that swiping on someone’s face is the hobby of choice for most singletons these days.

Know the game and don’t get invested until the actions have matched the words for long enough to know that you’ve met someone genuine.

And as a final add: I've had two big exes in my life, the most recent one I'm still getting over. Neither of them ghosted me. Neither of them played games. Neither of them caused me this absolute headmelt. Each time dating went from an absolute "URGHHHH" experience to suddenly being grand and easy and natural and stress-free. Hold out for a lad like that.

deise08

Unfortunately people who ghost get away with it because they don't get called out on it, and so keep doing it.
Op if you feel that you need to tell him that what he did is not OK,. then tell him.

What he did isn't OK by the way. A cowardly way to get out of something.

Being upfront with people is better for everyone.

Ghekko

mj123 wrote: »

And how would you go about getting the explanation from him?

Ring him. Then you'll get your answer. For the life of me I cannot understand this culture of texting as an entire means of communication. Pick up the phone, dial his number and talk to him.

blairbear

I wonder are the people suggesting double texting and to call him to demand an explanation also in their 20s and involved in the online dating scene?

Because that is bad, cringey advice that will leave the OP hurt, embarrassed and worse off than she was before.

His lack of reply IS your reply. OP, I had my phone robbed in another country while in the middle of texting a guy I was seeing about a date. I managed to get hold of him via his housemate's social media (he wasn't on any SM) on a computer in my hotel within a half an hour. It was easy. There is no excuse.

You are wasting your day, your time and your headspace on this. Let it go. There is such a relief and power in just taking a deep breath and dropping it.

Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You." It is exactly appropriate for these situations.

QueenRizla

Ghekko wrote: »

Ring him. Then you'll get your answer. For the life of me I cannot understand this culture of texting as an entire means of communication. Pick up the phone, dial his number and talk to him.

She asked him to go on a date tonight and he ignored her. What answer?
Ringing someone about that is really cringe.