I feel hurt and foolish

mj123

I was seeing a (what i thought was great) guy for 2-3 months but we havent seen each other in about 2 weeks due to work commitments on both sides. We kept in touch via phone and were texting a few days ago and he asked me what days I was working this week. I told Him and asked him when he was free again. He told me he was free on Saturday and seen as I was free also I went for it and asked him did he want to meet up and go to the cinema or something Sat. and he never replied. This was two days ago and he’s seen the message. Now I feel so s*** I almost feel like crying. I feel like a fool and Im hurt that he would behave this way. I feel it is so immature and just a lousy thing to do. We are 28 and 29 YO. He could have at least text back and said yes or no so I could have made more definite plans with someone else. I dont get why he would give the impression he wanted to meet by asking me my days off if he had no intention and was going to pull a stunt like this?? did he lead me on? I would like to hear some kind words of advice please as Im just baffled!

punisher5112

You aren't hitched so better now then when you have stronger feelings.

Why not go out with mates or go doa spa thing or whatever girls do these days.... I'm the punisher so I don't do girly things..... Thought I would just make that clear.

Guys can be right prciks.....

Girls can be head melts at times.

Don't read too much into it yee aren't is it exclusive as they say unless he asked you to be girlfriend....

Look have a drink, go for a walk eat some ice cream but try forget about it and move on.
I wouldn't be chasing anyway.

Jasper_

He simply doesnt have the nerve to tell you he has lost interest/just not that in to you.

Age has little to do with it, primary school kids do this and 50 year olds do too.

It is a ****ty thing to do and I'm not defending his actions, but a lot of people (sorry to say myself included at times) have real difficulty in coming out straight and ending things, so they let the silence do the dirty work for them.

mj123

I get what ye are saying but at the same time its a horrible thing to do. I may be biased here but to treat someone you shared a bed with and shared personal family information with like that is just not right. If he had no interest then why give me the inclination that he did want to meet (ie by asking my days and telling me his days off). Even so, he could have just said sorry something came up and left it at that. To not reply at all is just a d*** thing to do. I know Ill get over it but right now it really does hurt and has affected my confidence and self esteem a bit

punisher5112

mj123 wrote: »

I get what ye are saying but at the same time its a horrible thing to do. I may be biased here but to treat someone you shared a bed with and shared personal family information with like that is just not right. If he had no interest then why give me the inclination that he did want to meet (ie by asking my days and telling me his days off). Even so, he could have just said sorry something came up and left it at that. To not reply at all is just a d*** thing to do. I know Ill get over it but right now it really does hurt and has affected my confidence and self esteem a bit

You get knocked down but get back up again.....

Just think of the song.


Fcuk him think of him the same as he did you and move on....

Seriously though he got the ride and has probably others on the go.... Obviously I don't know but look at least yee weren't going out many more months or years.

I had a girl do similar but then turned out she had another fella and even had me drop her over....

Took me a while but got over it.

Jasper_

OP I dated a girl a couple of years back. We dated for about three months. I genuinely liked her at the start, things moved quickly, we confided a lot in each other, we got to know each other extremely well and I genuinely thought this was the soundest, funniest and just straight out heart of gold type of girls. I also knew she was growing to like me a hell of a lot in this time. Unfortunately my attraction to her dropped off and I found myself seeing her as a very good friend more so than a girlfriend. It got to the point were I had to tell her, but the thought of it killed me, I didnt want to cause this girl a second of hurt. I delayed and delayed, my replies became less and less over a couple of weeks and she eventually called me out on it and I came clean.

I'm telling you this because this guy may be in this same boat as I was. Or he may just be a d**k.

Either way its highly unlikely you did anything wrong so dont be beating yourself up over it.

mj123

I think he's just a d**k to be honest. Yea we got on great in the beginning but its just such a sh**ty thing to do to someone. He could have made up some excuse but just to completely ignore me was a bit harsh. its no way to treat anyone regardless of how high or low interest levels are, its basic respect

Sittingpretty

mj123 wrote: »

I think he's just a d**k to be honest. Yea we got on great in the beginning but its just such a sh**ty thing to do to someone. He could have made up some excuse but just to completely ignore me was a bit harsh. its no way to treat anyone regardless of how high or low interest levels are, its basic respect

You can’t control it though, only your reaction to it is within your control.

Chalk it down to experience and move on to better.

gossamer

Of course you're hurt and your confidence is knocked. I would expect no less. You formed an attachment and didn't expect to be treated as you have been, so you're blindsided right now and floundering for comfort or answers.

I don't think anyone here can provide you with that, except their own experiences which won't help much. You'll hear a lot of what you don't want hear, and that'll only rub salt into the wounds.

I would only advise you to not rake over what has been said and done. That'll only make you feel worse. You could think rings around yourself and you'll still feel terrible. Just go easy on yourself. Don't judge yourself for his cowardice. The way he acted could have been down to many things, but unfortunately it's happened now and you have to process it as best you can.

mj123

Thank you for your kind words of empathy.

gossamer wrote: »

The way he acted could have been down to many things, but unfortunately it's happened now and you have to process it as best you can.

Regardless of reasons, I dont feel there is any excuse for not answering me when I asked him out. He could have made up an excuse told me he didnt know, at least get back to me in some way not just ghost me. He treated me poorly in this regard with no respect and Im sad he would actually end things this way. He really is an a**hole isnt he

wiggle16

mj123 wrote: »

I dont get why he would give the impression he wanted to meet by asking me my days off if he had no intention and was going to pull a stunt like this?? did he lead me on? I would like to hear some kind words of advice please as Im just baffled!

Wow.

You mean Saturday as in this Saturday? As in tomorrow? As in, Saturday that hasn't happened yet?

You texted him two days ago and he hasn't replied. You haven't texted since and are clearly furious. Would it have occurred to you to text him again to ask if everything is okay? Or if he is interested in meeting up again? There is no need for you to be baffled. You do not need to feel hurt or foolish. Why put yourself through all this ridiculous fretting and theatricals (and checking your phone every few mins to see if he has replied, no doubt) when you could just ask him directly:
Hey man! Everything okay?
or
Hey, are you still up for meeting up on Sat or what?
and see what he gets back with?

If I was seeing someone and I texted him and he didn't reply for a couple of days, I would be pretty peeved and it would certainly make me anxious, but my first reaction would be to send another text just to make sure that, y'know, he was alive and kicking and hadn't been hit by a bus, before getting worked up and assuming I'd been led on and ghosted. For all you know he's had a bereavement.

On the balance of probability, the other posters are right and yes, he has simply lost interest and is being a díck. But you don't know that, because instead of asking him directly, you are needlessly letting this affect your self-esteem and confidence by assuming you have been ghosted and dumped, when you could just get an answer from him which might clarify things, and are instead seeking that answer and "kind words of advice" from people who cannot possibly know why he hasn't replied.

And OP, after 3 months seeing someone I'd want an explanation from the guy himself if he were dumping me, if I could get one, rather than just let him ghost me, and I have been ghosted and dumped far more than my fair share - but after 3 months I'd want to make sure that's what was actually happening before getting so worked up. Honestly.

mj123

wiggle16 wrote: »

Wow.

You mean Saturday as in this Saturday? As in tomorrow? As in, Saturday that hasn't happened yet?

You texted him two days ago and he hasn't replied. You haven't texted since and are clearly furious. Would it have occurred to you to text him again to ask if everything is okay? Or if he is interested in meeting up again? There is no need for you to be baffled. You do not need to feel hurt or foolish. Why put yourself through all this ridiculous fretting and theatricals (and checking your phone every few mins to see if he has replied, no doubt) when you could just ask him directly:
Hey man! Everything okay?
or
Hey, are you still up for meeting up on Sat or what?
and see what he gets back with?

If I was seeing someone and I texted him and he didn't reply for a couple of days, I would be pretty peeved and it would certainly make me anxious, but my first reaction would be to send another text just to make sure that, y'know, he was alive and kicking and hadn't been hit by a bus, before getting worked up and assuming I'd been led on and ghosted. For all you know he's had a bereavement.

On the balance of probability, the other posters are right and yes, he has simply lost interest and is being a díck. But you don't know that, because instead of asking him directly, you are needlessly letting this affect your self-esteem and confidence by assuming you have been ghosted and dumped, when you could just get an answer from him which might clarify things, and are instead seeking that answer and "kind words of advice" from people who cannot possibly know why he hasn't replied.

And OP, after 3 months seeing someone I'd want an explanation from the guy himself if he were dumping me, if I could get one, rather than just let him ghost me, and I have been ghosted and dumped far more than my fair share - but after 3 months I'd want to make sure that's what was actually happening before getting so worked up. Honestly.

He is 100% alive as he has been online on the messaging app since reading my message even a few hours ago
And how would you go about getting the explanation from him?

wiggle16

mj123 wrote: »

He is 100% alive as he has been online on the messaging app since reading my message even a few hours ago
And how would you go about getting the explanation from him?

And have you asked him?

mj123

wiggle16 wrote: »

And have you asked him?

asked him what exactly? Why he didnt text back?

wiggle16

mj123 wrote: »

asked him what exactly? Why he didnt text back?

I hardly need to elaborate on that, OP, and I'm not getting into a one-liner back and forth with you. If you are for some reason not willing to ask him why he hasn't got back to you then you cannot expect that answer from anyone else.

mj123

I realise that sounded smart but it genuinely wasn’t supposed to sound that way. I haven’t text him again as I kind of feel that if he wanted to see me then he would get back to me, I also feel he should get back to me as a basic courtesy. I’m also conscious that he has lost interest etc hence why I don’t want to text again and look like I’m being clingy or overpowering and I want to try maintain as much dignity and self worth as possible. Hope this makes sense and you understand

wiggle16

mj123 wrote: »

I realise that sounded smart but it genuinely wasn’t supposed to sound that way. I haven’t text him again as I kind of feel that if he wanted to see me then he would get back to me, I also feel he should get back to me as a basic courtesy. I’m also conscious that he has lost interest etc hence why I don’t want to text again and look like I’m being clingy or overpowering and I want to try maintain as much dignity and self worth as possible. Hope this makes sense and you understand

I do. However I don't see texting once more as clingy or overpowering in the slightest. Badgering someone when they are clearly not interested is clingy - one text isn't. 3 months is a good stretch of time to be seeing someone and he owes you the courtesy of an explanation if he has decided not to take things any further with you, and you are perfectly entitled to ask for one if you want.

As I've said I've been ghosted plenty. One time I took it particularly badly as I really liked the lad and had been seeing him for a couple of months. I messaged him after a couple of days and asked him out straight - he replied and explained how he felt and I felt much better for it and put it behind me. There were no hard feelings. I don't expect he will do the same for you but you have nothing to lose by asking: if he's not interested and thinks that's clingy (which it isn't) then it doesn't matter as he isn't interested anyway so his opinion shouldn't mean anything to you.

People misunderstand self-respect as something bestowed upon you by the way others perceive you rather than something you give to yourself. If you believe you are owed an explanation, you are entitled to ask for one and are not debasing yourself by doing so. In the same way, he's entitled not to bother to give you one, but that would show what kind of person he is after 3 months seeing someone.

I won't push the point with you any further, it's up to you. If you text and he doesn't text back, then you'll pretty much know he's simply lost interest and the advice given you by other posters is pretty solid, and you can hold your head up high and say you tried. I just think you're jumping the gun a bit and clearly driving yourself around in circles by quite rightly wanting an explanation but not seeking one from the only person who can give it.

blairbear

I don't think the OP is jumping the gun in assuming that the interest has waned on his part.
Have you ever been really into someone and dying to see them and just not bothered to respond to them for 48 hrs? After being asked a direct question? There is no reason in the world not to respond unless the guy has had life changing news or a sudden bereavement or some other tragedy. He has been online. He is deliberately deciding not to respond. If he's just forgotten, he's not that into you. If he's keeping his options open to see what other offers he gets for Saturday night, he's not that into you.

And no, it isn't nice or fair or gentlemanly (regardless of whether you are exclusive or not, I do think people should be kind to each other while dating. Kindness can mean being honest and straight forward in these situations.) But dating in general is not nice or fair of late, I find. And there is no point torturing yourself over it.

He may ignore a follow up text. He may make some half hearted excuse. This forum is full of similar posts and relationship timelines. I have gotten to a point personally where I actually don't care; a guy "ghosted" me a month ago and it was a few days before I even noticed I had been ghosted (so does that even count?) After a few too many hurtful situations, I am no longer getting prematurely attached. That took a couple of years of the online dating scene though.

You're allowed feel sad about it, but do something nice for yourself this weekend and try not to over analyse it. Including on this forum!

wiggle16

blairbear wrote: »

I don't think the OP is jumping the gun in assuming that the interest has waned on his part.
Have you ever been really into someone and dying to see them and just not bothered to respond to them for 48 hrs? After being asked a direct question? There is no reason in the world not to respond unless the guy has had life changing news or a sudden bereavement or some other tragedy. He has been online. He is deliberately deciding not to respond. If he's just forgotten, he's not that into you. If he's keeping his options open to see what other offers he gets for Saturday night, he's not that into you.

And no, it isn't nice or fair or gentlemanly (regardless of whether you are exclusive or not, I do think people should be kind to each other while dating. Kindness can mean being honest and straight forward in these situations.) But dating in general is not nice or fair of late, I find. And there is no point torturing yourself over it.

He may ignore a follow up text. He may make some half hearted excuse. This forum is full of similar posts and relationship timelines. I have gotten to a point personally where I actually don't care; a guy "ghosted" me a month ago and it was a few days before I even noticed I had been ghosted (so does that even count?) After a few too many hurtful situations, I am no longer getting prematurely attached. That took a couple of years of the online dating scene though.

You're allowed feel sad about it, but do something nice for yourself this weekend and try not to over analyse it. Including on this forum!

Actually... agreed. :rolleyes:

wiggle16

Re-reading my original reply to you, OP, I realise it comes across quite harsh and a bit mean. I'm sorry. What I meant and should have just said in not so many words is that if you want an explanation, ask him directly. But I think blairbear makes a better point.

Have a nice weekend to yourself and apologies again x

mj123

Thanks guys I appreciate all the advice.

However if I were to seek out an explanation then could someone help me phrase what exactly would I say? As I’m emotionally hurt and angry I don’t want to come across all guns blazing. If someone could help with wording/phrasing that would be great thanks

QueenRizla

mj123 wrote: »

Thanks guys I appreciate all the advice.

However if I were to seek out an explanation then could someone help me phrase what exactly would I say? As I’m emotionally hurt and angry I don’t want to come across all guns blazing. If someone could help with wording/phrasing that would be great thanks

I’m going to suggest if you are emotionally hurt and angry don’t send a text. I really wouldn’t bother, it’s not coming from the right place. As blairbear said the way to deal with this is to be less attached. Think of the bigger picture, you’ll either get no response or a thanks but no thanks, and be in exactly the same position. You have to accept that he isn’t interested so why do you need it in writing from him? Why make it all about him?
Sending a text is giving him a lot of power, I wouldn’t bother looking for an explanation. Make yourself feel better, move to indifference and focus elsewhere.

blairbear

mj123 wrote: »

Thanks guys I appreciate all the advice.

However if I were to seek out an explanation then could someone help me phrase what exactly would I say? As I’m emotionally hurt and angry I don’t want to come across all guns blazing. If someone could help with wording/phrasing that would be great thanks

Any time I find myself over thinking a message, I stop, write the simplest form of it possible, then send and let the cards fall where they may. If it were me, I would just write; "Hi, I thought we were in the middle of organizing a date there but I never heard back from you. Why was that?" I am pretty blunt though. I wouldn't sugarcoat it or be angry either. Ask a straightforward question.

I would leave it personally, though and just let go of that nauseous, panicky "waiting for a text" feeling.

QueenRizla

blairbear wrote: »

I would leave it personally, though and just let go of that nauseous, panicky "waiting for a text" feeling.

^^ This is good advice.

KathleenGrant

OP you said you were seeing a guy who you thought was great. Great guys don't ghost people they have been seeing for months regardless of the reason. Someone in his late 20's certainly should not. He is not a great guy. Take a deep breath, realise you are worth more than this and forget him. Yoi can do better and you will do better.

mj123

I think I’ll just leave him, if I send another message he’ll get more satisfaction then I will.

I know my emotions will change but right now I’m just so angry and feel really small/belittled or something. I’m hurt and I shed a few tears this morning. Obviously he doesn’t even see me as worthy as a text message, I feel used and like I’ve iust been thrown to one side.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve been rejected many times before but just never this harshly

KathleenGrant

mj123 wrote: »

I think I’ll just leave him, if I send another message he’ll get more satisfaction then I will.

I know my emotions will change but right now I’m just so angry and feel really small/belittled or something. I’m hurt and I shed a few tears this morning. Obviously he doesn’t even see me as worthy as a text message, I feel used and like I’ve iust been thrown to one side

You can't help being hurt or angry but soon you will see that he is not worth it. Be glad you found out now rather than when you had completely fallen for him. Good luck OP

LegacyUser

Hi OP, here's an extremely similar thread to your own, even down to the ages, which might be of help to you

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057915230/1/#post108207600

mj123

should I call him out? My friend thinks that I should

Sephiroth_dude

mj123 wrote: »

should I call him out? My friend thinks that I should

Phone him and talk to him would be what I would do.

milli milli

mj123 wrote: »

I think I’ll just leave him, if I send another message he’ll get more satisfaction then I will.

I know my emotions will change but right now I’m just so angry and feel really small/belittled or something. I’m hurt and I shed a few tears this morning. Obviously he doesn’t even see me as worthy as a text message, I feel used and like I’ve iust been thrown to one side.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve been rejected many times before but just never this harshly

OP, modern dating is really crap. Unfortunately this kind of unaccountable behaviour is becoming the norm.
I can understand people trying to save other people’s feelings but in life, we need to have uncomfortable conversations.
People who ghost are usually emotionally immature/unavailable, lack awareness of other people’s feelings and their communication skills aren’t up to par.

I totally sympathize with your position, it’s a despicable way to treat people, but in time you’ll see that he was no great loss.
Take care of yourself this weekend, do something nice and then do your best to move onto better things.

P.S. as others have said, the best thing you can do for yourself is to act indifferent towards him. If you call him and go on a rant (knowing he’s lost interest in you) then that will solve nothing. It’s not going to make him fall in love with you. He’s not worth getting angry over and you’ll just regret it in time