Girlfriend wants me to go to weddings and I don't want to go

Bob24

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Think these are things that you just have to suck up and go to. Part of being in a relationship is going to weddings with the OH of people who you don't really know sometimes.

Both sides have to be reasonable though.

In my view asking the OP to give up his traditional NYE event with a family member who’s visiting from abroad in order to attend the wedding of someone which he doesn’t know and who is not a family member or a close friend of his partner is unreasonable.

SozBbz

Bob24 wrote: »

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Think these are things that you just have to suck up and go to. Part of being in a relationship is going to weddings with the OH of people who you don't really know sometimes.

Both sides have to be reasonable though.

In my view asking the OP to give up his traditional NYE event with a family member who’s visiting from abroad in order to attend the wedding of someone which he doesn’t know and who is not a family member or a close friend of his partner is unreasonable.

Im conscious we're only getting the OPs perspective here. 

Maybe the brother is over for 2 weeks at christmas. Maybe the GF just thinks going down the local is fine on New Years unless you've a better offer. Maybe she doesnt think/understand it having some greater significance. Also, maybe the significance isnt that great, but its a handy excuse given that our OP clearly just doesnt want to attend these weddings. Could be any of the above.
Also, I don't know anyone who finds new years that big of a deal. In my experience most people find it a let down. I did go to a wedding once on New Years and it was brilliant, plenty of people remarked that it was nice to actually have something on with others to celebrate, rather than rambling around town, paying over the odds and then not being able to find a taxi home.

SAMTALK

SozBbz wrote: »

Im conscious we're only getting the OPs perspective here. 


Also, I don't know anyone who finds new years that big of a deal. In my experience most people find it a let down. I did go to a wedding once on New Years and it was brilliant, plenty of people remarked that it was nice to actually have something on with others to celebrate, rather than rambling around town, paying over the odds and then not being able to find a taxi home.

I think if it's a wedding where you know a lot of people that's fine but it's work connections on girlfriends side so it wouldn't be quite the same.

Bob24

SozBbz wrote: »

Im conscious we're only getting the OPs perspective here. 

Maybe the brother is over for 2 weeks at christmas. Maybe the GF just thinks going down the local is fine on New Years unless you've a better offer. Maybe she doesnt think/understand it having some greater significance. Also, maybe the significance isnt that great, but its a handy excuse given that our OP clearly just doesnt want to attend these weddings. Could be any of the above.
Also, I don't know anyone who finds new years that big of a deal. In my experience most people find it a let down. I did go to a wedding once on New Years and it was brilliant, plenty of people remarked that it was nice to actually have something on with others to celebrate, rather than rambling around town, paying over the odds and then not being able to find a taxi home.

Thing is, that wedding doesn’t seem to be that big a deal either as the OP doesn’t know anyone and the bride is described as a former work teammate (I.e. not a close friend, and we can only comment based on the information we have).

Regardless of how formal the OP’s outing is with his brother, I don’t see how asking him to sacrifice what has became a yearly tradition they enjoy with a family member who’s living abroad can be reasonable just for the sake of showing up at the wedding of someone they don’t know and which doesn’t seem to be that close to his partner. So if not already done so and assuming his partner is reasonable, I think just calmly explaining that to her should get her to understand it is wiser to let him enjoy his family time on this particular occasion.

If it was his partner’s sister wedding ... would be a different story (but even then, as others have said anyone planning their wedding on New Years Eve has to know that the date will be a concern for a good chunk of their guests and they can’t expect the same attendance level as on a “regular” day).

SozBbz

Bob24 wrote: »

Thing is, that wedding doesn’t seem to be that big a deal either as the OP doesn’t know anyone and the bride is described as a former work teammate (I.e. not a close friend, and we can only comment based on the information we have).

Regardless of how formal the OP’s outing is with his brother, I don’t see how asking him to sacrifice what has became a yearly tradition they enjoy with a family member who’s living abroad can be reasonable just for the sake of showing up at the wedding of someone they don’t know and which doesn’t seem to be that close to his partner. So if not already done so and assuming his partner is reasonable, I think just calmly explaining that to her should get her to understand it is wiser to let him enjoy his family time on this particular occasion.

If it was his partner’s sister wedding ... would be a different story (but even then, as others have said anyone planning their wedding on New Years Eve has to know that the date will be a concern for a good chunk of their guests and they can’t expect the same attendance level as on a “regular” day).

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

SAMTALK

SozBbz wrote: »

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

But in the original post he says 1st wedding is an old friend she doesnt see very much and 2nd is a work colleague who used to be on her team so in fairness it doesnt sound like it a friendship thing or surely it would be put as an old friend she doesnt see very much and old friend she used to work with. We can only go on what OP says .

If I was going to a wedding and my partner didnt want to go I'd prefer if he stayed at home rather than sulk !!

Bob24

SozBbz wrote: »

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

No I get your point but as I said we can only comment based on the situation as it is described to us. If the OP is under or overstating some points it is their own business and they might not get the best advice on top of that, but there is no point in questioning what they are saying and trying to build possible alternate scenarios.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

The New Years Eve one I'd say talk to her again and stand your ground. Be aware of how she responds, and of her attitude when you want her to accompany you to something.

I agree that yes, a part of committed LTRs is doing and talking about stupid bullsh1t you don't care about, and doing it willingly and cheerfully because it makes them happy, but it has to be a two way street.

witchgirl26

OP why are some weddings ok but others not. I'd agree with others who've said that if the New Years thing with your brother is that much of a big deal to you, you need to have a chat to your girlfriend and explain it. Say you'll go to the other wedding happily but you really don't want to change a tradition for a wedding.

There's a reason she feels she wants to attend these weddings so maybe understand that. You are still quite recently together so just because you think they're just an old friend and an ex-work colleague, doesn't mean that they're not important to her. She might be in touch with both but just not meet up very often.

How come you're not a big fan of weddings? Is it the getting dressed up, the forced conversation at the table or just the effort in general? Maybe if you discussed that with your girlfriend and explained, she might be better able to understand and compromise in terms of weddings. However ultimately she may still want you to go to them with her.

GreeBo wrote: »

Slightly off topic, but I will never understand people who go to a wedding when they dont know people and would be bored if they were on their own.

Because they know the bride or groom and want to celebrate with them. I've been at a couple of weddings where I've maybe known 2 other couples at the wedding in total bar the bride and groom. If I was there by myself, I would have been a bit bored as couples generally stick together at weddings and being third-wheeley isn't fun. I'd always prefer in those scenarios to bring my OH or else a friend at least so I'd have someone to have a bit of a laugh with.

SAMTALK wrote: »

But in the original post he says 1st wedding is an old friend she doesnt see very much and 2nd is a work colleague who used to be on her team so in fairness it doesnt sound like it a friendship thing or surely it would be put as an old friend she doesnt see very much and old friend she used to work with. We can only go on what OP says .

If I was going to a wedding and my partner didnt want to go I'd prefer if he stayed at home rather than sulk !!

But that is from the OP's perspective. My OH could say something similar about a couple of weddings we've been to. In the years we've been together he met one of the brides a handful of times and even I don't get to see her that often. She would be an old friend and I'd be very close to. He maybe wouldn't have appreciated how much of a friend she was to me despite not seeing each other all the time. Both of us have busy lives with different things so struggle to meet in person more than a few times a year.

SozBbz

Bob24 wrote: »

SozBbz wrote: »

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

No I get your point but as I said we can only comment based on the situation as it is described to us. If the OP is under or overstating some points it is their own business and they might not get the best advice on top of that, but there is no point in questioning what they are saying and trying to build possible alternate scenarios.

I don't agree. Asking the OP to examine their own motives is key. You see it on here all the time, people coming on just looking for validation of their own opinions rather than real advice.
The OP says he loves this girl, plans on marrying her, so from that I take that she's probably not a horrible, unreasonable person and should be given the benefit of the doubt and her perspective considered also.

Bob24

SozBbz wrote: »

I don't agree. Asking the OP to examine their own motives is key. You see it on here all the time, people coming on just looking for validation of their own opinions rather than real advice.
The OP says he loves this girl, plans on marrying her, so from that I take that she's probably not a horrible, unreasonable person and should be given the benefit of the doubt and her perspective considered also.

Sure her perspective should be considered. But no one here can do it by proxy for the OP who already had a chat with her about this and posted his view on the situation here. So as I said: unless there is something obvious the OP has missed out and she can clarify for him, if she’s reasonable and based on what was said here - if explained calmly she should come to the conclusion that it is wiser to let him enjoy his family on New Year’s Eve than forcing him to go to a wedding which is not that important and that he doesn’t want to go to (especially if he makes an effort to go to the other one).

SAMTALK

SozBbz wrote: »

I don't agree. Asking the OP to examine their own motives is key. You see it on here all the time, people coming on just looking for validation of their own opinions rather than real advice.
The OP says he loves this girl, plans on marrying her, so from that I take that she's probably not a horrible, unreasonable person and should be given the benefit of the doubt and her perspective considered also.

But how are we supposed to know those telling it as it is and those looking for validation?
All we can do is take it as it is told to us and advise on that alone instead of going into 100 different versions of what we think it might be..
I dont think anyone suggested she is a horrible or unreasonable person just that maybe there should be give and take . 2 X weddings and OP have prior arrangement on New Years Eve.

number19

I get what some people are saying about its a relationship and I should just suck it up etc, and at the moment I'm inclined to think I will go to both weddings but I'm also going to be honest with her that I'm not overly thrilled to be at them, I have to be honest, that is also what relationships are about.

As for how close they are to her, when she first told me about these weddings, my reaction(in my head) was "who??", which sums it up. In 18 months of being with her, these colleagues/old friends might have been mentioned once, she's never met up with them and barley talked about them if at all, she's just got an invite to their wedding and feels she has to go and insists I come too. I've been with her long enough now to know who her closest friends are. She has a couple of work colleagues that I've never met that are actually good friends, she talks about them a lot, has visited them, and if they were getting married I'd gladly go with her even though I've never met them but I know they are close friends.

I just wish my girlfriend didn’t take these wedding invites so seriously and was a bit more selective about what weddings she wants us to attend. I just don’t think you should go to every wedding you’re invited to, they can be a lot of hassle especially on a day like New Years eve when you’ve to tell your family you won’t be with them because you’ve to go to a strangers wedding and talk to a load of people you don’t know and will never meet again. Also I’m not looking for validation from strangers, I know not everybody is going to agree with me on this, just an interesting debate while we’re bored in work

SAMTALK

Fair play number 19 if you're willing to do that for your girlfriend.

Keyzer

Best thing to do is get absolutely wasted at the first wedding and vomit all over the bride - she'll think twice about asking you again.

witchgirl26

OP I honestly think you should just go along with going to them both if you feel strongly about missing the New Years Eve thing. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her that while you're happy to go to the other, you really don't want to give up the New Years tradition for a wedding.

In terms of her not mentioning them, again it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have a couple of old friends that I hadn't seen in years and that I wouldn't really talk about because of that. We met up again recently, at a wedding actually, and my OH of 7 years was asking me who she was as I hadn't mentioned her really at all before - maybe in passing. Yet if that same person sent me an invite to her wedding, I'd be there in a heartbeat, no question. We fell out of touch but not out of badness. Maybe your girlfriend is thinking of the weddings as a chance to reconnect.

If you want her to be more selective with wedding invitations, that's a conversation you need to have with her. Say that you're happy to attend weddings but that you don't necessarily want to go to every one. My OH is off to a wedding without me in a couple of months because he wants to go, I don't, I wouldn't know anyone there and he's openly said he's not that close to the groom at all. Himself and his brother are off to it together while the girls stay home. Everyone happy with that.

Pelvis

Personally, I don't give a toss about weddings (I'm a bloke). I went to my gf's sisters wedding in another county and that's fair enough, it's her sister. There's another one at the end of the year for her friend, and that's in Dublin so fair enough again. But she has another friend getting married abroad and tbh that's where I draw the line. I don't know this person and I'm not wasting my holiday's as well as the expense to go to their wedding.

If I got an invite to a wedding and she didn't want to go then I wouldn't care. What exactly is the big deal? It's just a wedding.

ginandtonicsky

I'd just have a frank conversation. Especially if you're in that age bracket where wedding invitations are going to be a pretty regular thing for a while.

"Right. How are we going to approach the weddings situation together? I don't think it's practical or mutually beneficial for us to unquestioningly accept every single invitation and attend together every time."

From there, I'd negotiate something that works for both of you. You'll go to one of these upcoming weddings, but not the other, E.G you're keeping your New Years tradition because it's really important to you.

Personally I never minded when my ex couldn't come along with me. We had different groups of friends and often I'd spend the night worrying about him not knowing people, being bored etc. Perhaps frame it like that - I want you to enjoy these things, and if I'm not enjoying being there it's going to stress you out.

Maybe you agree to go to the weddings of close friends / family members and/or people you've actually met before, but not these people that aren't so close? Point out the lack of practicalities when it comes to you spending your money and annual leave on weddings of people you don't know.

wiggle16

Wesser wrote: »

Yes. That is what love is.

Making sacrifices and doing things you don't want to do because you love her .

That is what love is.

Hallmark nonsense.

Love also means not forcing someone to make sacrifices or do things they don't want to, just to satisfy your own petty whim.

His girlfriend knows he doesn't want to go, but has thrown a strop and forced him into going into some bozo's wedding and give up his own plans, just so she won't have to go on her own. Really bratty carry on tbh.

She's being very selfish and needs to grow up - it's a one off, OP is going to other weddings with her, it would be different if they were together years and she's had to attend multiple weddings alone That's different.

She can go to this one wedding on her own if she has to or bring a friend or relative and stop caring about what other people think, and start caring about her boyfriend's feelings too.

seamus

number19 wrote: »

I just wish my girlfriend didn’t take these wedding invites so seriously and was a bit more selective about what weddings she wants us to attend.

At the end of the day, it's one of those unspoken social rules.

If you get invited to a wedding - the whole day, not just the afters - and you turn it down because, "I can't be bothered", then you're effectively severing all ties with that person. It's a given that the it's up there as the most serious, "I value your presence" invite a person can get, so social convention is that you don't brush it off as nothing.

So your girlfriend is always going to accept a wedding invite unless she has a good reason why she can't go, or unless she wants to end her friendship with that person.

By extension it's then assumed that you - as her serious, long-term partner - will also go unless you have a good reason not to. If she goes and you don't, she'll be asked where you are. "At home scratching his balls because he didn't want to come", isn't the answer she wants to give, it leaves her in an awkward position.

Your New Years' Eve plans are of course a perfectly valid reason. I think you should keep them and blow off the wedding.

Pelvis

seamus wrote: »

By extension it's then assumed that you - as her serious, long-term partner - will also go unless you have a good reason not to. If she goes and you don't, she'll be asked where you are. "At home scratching his balls because he didn't want to come", isn't the answer she wants to give, it leaves her in an awkward position.

"He/She couldn't make it" is the only answer required to be honest.

Tokyo

Keyzer wrote: »

Best thing to do is get absolutely wasted at the first wedding and vomit all over the bride - she'll think twice about asking you again.

Mod: Keyzer - as you have nothing constructive to add to this thread, please don't post in the thread again.

Any further non constructive comments in PI/RI will result in a card/ban.

homerjay2005

wiggle16 wrote: »

I get where people are coming from with the whole "welcome to the world of relationships" schtick, but no, that's not how things work. Your girlfriend has some growing up to do,.

so because she wants to go to a wedding or two, she needs to grow up

and yes, relationship are all about doing things for each other that make each other happy, the way you word it the OP shouldnt do anything.

santana75

number19 wrote: »

However she recently told(didn't ask btw) that we will be attending two weddings, one in November for an old friend she doesn't see very much and the other for a work colleague, who used to be on her team, thats on New Years Eve. I told her I wasn't too happy about having to attend these weddings, which turned into a row and ended with me having to concede defeat and say I'll go to them.

This is the part that doesnt sit easy with me. She told you that you were going to a wedding. She didnt ask. Thats a red flag. There was a subsequent row in which you conceded defeat aswell. That does not sound like an equal partnership.
Obviously you're not happy about the whole thing and I know people roll out the, "Thats what relationships are all about" line, but you need to stand up for yourself here and go with your gut feeling. Honestly I would talk to her and tell her you need to be genuine and completely forthright with her. Tell her you're not going to go. She might be ok with it but she might kick up murder, she might even cry and use emotions to sway you. But stand your ground. Relationships are also about being authentic, even at the price of upsetting your partner. Even at the risk of losing the relationship. You cant sell yourself out now because trust me, if you do end up married, your boundaries need to be very firmly established. Its a paradox, in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to be willing to walk away in order to be true to yourself.

SozBbz

santana75 wrote: »

number19 wrote: »

However she recently told(didn't ask btw) that we will be attending two weddings, one in November for an old friend she doesn't see very much and the other for a work colleague, who used to be on her team, thats on New Years Eve. I told her I wasn't too happy about having to attend these weddings, which turned into a row and ended with me having to concede defeat and say I'll go to them.

This is the part that doesnt sit easy with me. She told you that you were going to a wedding. She didnt ask. Thats a red flag. There was a subsequent row in which you conceded defeat aswell. That does not sound like an equal partnership.
Obviously you're not happy about the whole thing and I know people roll out the, "Thats what relationships are all about" line, but you need to stand up for yourself here and go with your gut feeling. Honestly I would talk to her and tell her you need to be genuine and completely forthright with her. Tell her you're not going to go. She might be ok with it but she might kick up murder, she might even cry and use emotions to sway you.  But stand your ground. Relationships are also about being authentic, even at the price of upsetting your partner. Even at the risk of losing the relationship. You cant sell yourself out now because trust me, if you do end up married, your boundaries need to be very firmly established. Its a paradox, in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to be willing to walk away in order to be true to yourself.

So your advice is..... dig your heals in, zero compromise no matter what and if this causes irreparable damage, then oh well? 
Have you never heard the saying "would you rather be right or would you rather be happy"? The OP might enjoy his moment of righteous indignation but if he ends up losing a girl he hopes to marry because he proved himself incapable of compromise, thats a high price to pay. Being up on that high horse can be a lonely place.
OP, please ignore this if you actually value your girlfriend, which it sounds like you do.

santana75

SozBbz wrote: »

So your advice is..... dig your heals in, zero compromise no matter what and if this causes irreparable damage, then oh well? 
Have you never heard the saying "would you rather be right or would you rather be happy"? The OP might enjoy his moment of righteous indignation but if he ends up losing a girl he hopes to marry because he proved himself incapable of compromise, thats a high price to pay. Being up on that high horse can be a lonely place.
OP, please ignore this if you actually value your girlfriend, which it sounds like you do.

How is this about being right though? You've completely misread the situation. This is about being authentic. The Op is clearly not happy about the way things went down. To just go along for fear of upsetting his girlfriend or going against her wishes, is to betray himself and how he really feels. He needs to stand up for himself, not "dig his heels in". Assert his boundaries, because they've obviously been breached. If she breaks up with him because he asserted himself then he has truly dodged a bullet.
Op you need to be direct and honest with her. State firmly what you want and not be afraid of the fall out of being true to yourself.

SozBbz

santana75 wrote: »

How is this about being right though? You've completely misread the situation. This is about being authentic. The Op is clearly not happy about the way things went down. To just go along for fear of upsetting his girlfriend or going against her wishes, is to betray himself and how he really feels. He needs to stand up for himself, not "dig his heels in". Assert his boundaries, because they've obviously been breached. If she breaks up with him because he asserted himself then he has truly dodged a bullet.
Op you need to be direct and honest with her. State firmly what you want and not be afraid of the fall out of being true to yourself.

I have not misread anything.
Your advice smacks of a lack of experience in realtionships and might I add, real life. Everyone has to compromise from time to time. We cannot all have our own way, otherwise damn the consequences.
You're using "authenticity" as some sort of cloak for being unreasonable. Your advice was not to give an inch. It like when people who are in fact rude/tactless, justify their behaviour by saying they're just being honest.
I'm suggesting the OP thinks about his long term happiness rather than short term point scoring. Otherwise he may end up authentically single.
OP, by all means tell your girlfriend how unhappy you are about how things have transpired, indeed set a benchmark for future similar situations, but do not jepordise your future happiness on the advice of internet strangers.

santana75

SozBbz wrote: »

I have not misread anything.
Your advice smacks of a lack of experience in realtionships and might I add, real life. Everyone has to compromise from time to time. We cannot all have our own way, otherwise damn the consequences.
You're using "authenticity" as some sort of cloak for being unreasonable. Your advice was not to give an inch. It like when people who are in fact rude/tactless, justify their behaviour by saying they're just being honest.
I'm suggesting the OP thinks about his long term happiness rather than short term point scoring. Otherwise he may end up authentically single.
OP, by all means tell your girlfriend how unhappy you are about how things have transpired, indeed set a benchmark for future similar situations, but do not jepordise your future happiness on the advice of internet strangers.

You're completely ignoring the fact that she "told" him he was going to the wedding. Thats not compromise. Thats one person dictating to the other. I dont know what relationships you've experienced but this is not healthy and not a fair exchange. . Also The use of "do not jepordise your future happiness on the advice of internet strangers" smacks of passive aggressiveness. You too, when all is said and done, are a stranger. The OPs happiness is his responsibility btw. Implying that if he doesnt tow the line here that this girl will end things and therefore his "future happiness" will be threatened. Thats the kind of attitude that keeps people from speaking up for themselves.
Op you cannot be afraid of the consequences or threats. Do what you feel is right, in your own heart. The practice of disappointing people in order to be authentic with yourself is what strengthens personal boundaries.

SozBbz

santana75 wrote: »

You're completely ignoring the fact that she "told" him he was going to the wedding. Thats not compromise. Thats one person dictating to the other. I dont know what relationships you've experienced but this is not healthy and not a fair exchange. . Also The use of  "do not jepordise your future happiness on the advice of internet strangers" smacks of passive aggressiveness. You too, when all is said and done, are a stranger. The OPs happiness is his responsibility btw. Implying that if he doesnt tow the line here that this girl will end things and therefore his "future happiness" will be threatened. Thats the kind of attitude that keeps people from speaking up for themselves.
Op you cannot be afraid of the consequences or threats. Do what you feel is right, in your own heart. The practice of disappointing people in order to be authentic with yourself is what strengthens personal boundaries.

Absolutely, the OP doesnt know me from Adam but I'm not telling him to potentially end his relationship with a woman he intends to propose to, therefore I am not the one giving dangerous advice. 
You're conveniently ignoring the most likely scenario, in which his GF probably got excited, accepted the invites and it didnt even think that her BF for 18 months wouldn't be only delighted to accompany her to her friends weddings. You're picking out one word - told - and interpreting that as some sort of dictatorship scenario when the OP has actually said that he loves her, is otherwise very happy with her and one day hopes to marry her, so sorry, that just doesnt add up.
You're advocating for a scenario whereby she will almost certainly feel backed into a corner and it won't end well. If she's already accepted these invites, she's going to be embarrassed having to revoke her first response. Further, the OP probably came on to vent, but has since stated that he'll probably just go along with her on this occasion and will be clear next time that they need to discuss invitations before accepting. You're approach would lead to (unnecessary) arguments and the potential demise of an otherwise happy relationship.

Oh, and as to what type of relationships I've experienced - happy and long term, whereby if one of us acts on impulse, the other doesnt blow it out of all proportion on the basis of being "authentic".

santana75

SozBbz wrote: »

Absolutely, the OP doesnt know me from Adam but I'm not telling him to potentially end his relationship with a woman he intends to propose to, therefore I am not the one giving dangerous advice. 
You're conveniently ignoring the most likely scenario, in which his GF probably got excited, accepted the invites and it didnt even think that her BF for 18 months wouldn't be only delighted to accompany her to her friends weddings. You're picking out one word - told - and interpreting that as some sort of dictatorship scenario when the OP has actually said that he loves her, is otherwise very happy with her and one day hopes to marry her, so sorry, that just doesnt add up.
You're advocating for a scenario whereby she will almost certainly feel backed into a corner and it won't end well. If she's already accepted these invites, she's going to be embarrassed having to revoke her first response. Further, the OP probably came on to vent, but has since stated that he'll probably just go along with her on this occasion and will be clear next time that they need to discuss invitations before accepting. You're approach would lead to (unnecessary) arguments and the potential demise of an otherwise happy relationship.

Oh, and as to what type of relationships I've experienced - happy and long term, whereby if one of us acts on impulse, the other doesnt blow it out of all proportion on the basis of being "authentic".

You're glossing over the "told" part of the issue. Thats massive. Its not something insignificant, in fact its the crux of the matter. This girl dictated to him what he was to do and obviously his back went up. Thats not a discussion between two adults. Thats more like a parent-child type situation. Id venture to guess that had she come to him and asked would he go to this wedding he'd have gone. Theres a way to ask someone to do something. Telling
them is not aint it. The Op needs to assert himself and express his wishes. What his girlfriend decides to do subsequently is her decision entirely. The Op needs to accept that sometimes when you stand up for yourself and assert your boundaries that some people will get very angry at you. Thats life and thats what it means to be true to yourself.