Girlfriend wants me to go to weddings and I don't want to go

number19

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 18 months now, love her very much and can see myself marrying her in the not too distant future. However she recently told(didn't ask btw) that we will be attending two weddings, one in November for an old friend she doesn't see very much and the other for a work colleague, who used to be on her team, thats on New Years Eve. I told her I wasn't too happy about having to attend these weddings, which turned into a row and ended with me having to concede defeat and say I'll go to them.

She told me yesterday that a friend got engaged, now that is a wedding I would be delighted and proud to accompany her to, knowing that its for a close friend of hers, same goes for any of her family that tie the knot. However I can't help feeling annoyed that I have to give up
New Years going to the local with my brother(traditional thing, he'll be over from England) and ideally my girlfriend plus friends, to instead go the wedding of someone I don't know and will probaly never meet again.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? As you might have guessed, I'm not a big fan of weddings but I would love to attend weddings with her for people that matter in our lives(close friends/family) but not for every acquaintance/work colleague that she feels we should attend. Without wanting to sound like an 80s rock star, is this what love is?

Liam McPoyle

Welcome to relationships. You have to do things you don't particularly want to and I'm sure there will be occasions where the same applies to her.

She should have asked but it's not as if they are abroad.

heebusjeebus

Ya, I go to all mandated weddings but at least I've been spared the subsequent Christenings.

Happy4all

<SNIP - no need to quote entire OP>

Sure why would you not want to go? You might even get off with one of the bridesmaids

wirelessdude01

Think these are things that you just have to suck up and go to. Part of being in a relationship is going to weddings with the OH of people who you don't really know sometimes.

Happy4all

Happy4all wrote: »

<SNIP - no need to quote entire OP>

Sure why would you not want to go? You might even get off with one of the bridesmaids

Right, the OP was the part that needed snipping.

jimbev

It's called compromise
Tell her your go to the one not on new years Eve

strandroad

Myself I'd negotiate. I'm not as social as himself is so I only go to selected events. But if I do go I make an effort, dress well, talk to people etc. because I eant to be there.

Talk to your girl so that you go to the one(s) you have a genuine connection to. It's not reasonable to "tell" you to do them all.

FitzElla

Presumably most other people going to the weddings are going with their OH. Would seem unfair to me to leave her on her own - it can be a long day especially if you don't know that many people there. As said above, part and parcel of a relationship really.

CrankyHaus

Tell her how you feel. If she wants to go to every wedding she gets invited to, like her old work colleague's, she obviously enjoys them. But insisting you come too, on a day you've set aside for family, suggests a lack of consideration. Honestly I suspect she wants to show off to people that she has a new BF.

Some people take weddings far too seriously. They are to be enjoyed not endured. Excepting direct family and very close friends just don't go to one that's a hassle. My GF had to skip one of my close friend's one for reasons I entirely understood. I wouldn't dream of putting an obligation on her for any wedding other than direct family and I'd only want her along to one if I thought she'd enjoy it.

rainbowtrout

CrankyHaus wrote: »

Tell her how you feel. If she wants to go to every wedding she gets invited to, like her old work colleague's, she obviously enjoys them. But insisting you come too, on a day you've set aside for family, suggests a lack of consideration. Honestly I suspect she wants to show off to people that she has a new BF.

Some people take weddings far too seriously. They are to be enjoyed not endured. Excepting direct family and very close friends just don't go to one that's a hassle. My GF had to skip one of my close friend's one for reasons I entirely understood. I wouldn't dream of putting an obligation on her for any wedding other than direct family and I'd only want her along to one if I thought she'd enjoy it.

Or maybe she just doesn't want to go on her own?

OP, it's not a huge compromise to go to a wedding with your girlfriend. Just because you don't know the person, and she does, isn't really enough reason not to go. When the time comes and you are invited to a wedding of a friend that she doesn't know, you might remember that if you want her to accompany you.

Eric Cartman

I wouldn't want to go to a wedding on New Years eve anyway, what kind of narcissists do that , people are just out of money after Christmas and have to pony up to cancel all their traditions and family plans for some couple.

OP I'm with you on that wedding, if my own sister wanted to have her wedding on NYE id tell her I won't be there. That is probably the most inconsiderate day of the year to have a wedding.

aside from that, agree to go to the other one, but be down the boozer with your brother, where people belong on NYE.

Ursus Horribilis

All you can do is try to talk to her again when emotions aren't running so high. Some people like going to weddings (god only knows why!) and it sounds like your girlfriend is one of those. You'll probably end up going to more weddings than you'd like but she is being unfair if she's expecting you to give up all those days out of your life to go to ones of people she barely even knows now. It all depends how you phrase it and how you put your point across to her.

Will you be seeing your brother at any other times over the Christmas?

bertsmom

I used to have this with my ex he wanted me to accompany him to all these type of weddings and now to be honest I never mindedwhen it was a good friend of his or a close relation etc but the whole work colleague thing or old pal he hadnt laid eyes on in years and got a filler invite for I just said no to. You are still your own person when ina relationship and once you compromise a bit I dont think you have to be there to hold her hand for EVERY wedding surely. Id definitely be refusing the new years eve one.

CrankyHaus

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Or maybe she just doesn't want to go on her own?

Then why does she want to go at all?

If she can't enjoy the company of these people without having her BF, who's never met any of them, there while he's gritting his teeth at missing a family event. There's no obligation, it's someone who used to be at her team in work.

Ursus Horribilis

CrankyHaus wrote: »

Then why does she want to go at all?

If she can't enjoy the company of these people without having her BF, who's never met any of them, there while he's gritting his teeth at missing a family event. There's no obligation, it's someone who used to be at her team in work.

She's probably one of those types who loves getting dressed up, dolled up and dancing after the meal. Such people exist.. Most people don't want to go to weddings on their own. Having a fella on her arm is probably part of the package

zapper55

I love going to weddings. Getting dressed up, having craic with my friends/family and sometimes strangers. I'd love to have my partner with me at them all because I find them deeply touching and love having him around at it.

However I appreciate that many people (mostly blokes I think) would rather poke their eyeball than attend one. So for me it about compromise. The close friends/family ones he attends. The ones where he knows no one or its a work colleague etc I go without him as there is usually a gang of people I know in the same boat.

Talk to her. She may surprise you.

wiggle16

I get where people are coming from with the whole "welcome to the world of relationships" schtick, but no, that's not how things work. Your girlfriend has some growing up to do, OP. Yep, it's all about compromise - and compromise does not mean one person gets their way all the time.

It's one thing to accept an invitation on your behalf as a couple, it's quite another to force you to accompany her. If she can't go to the wedding without you, what did she do before she met you? Decline every invite? In all likelihood she just wants to show you off and that's fair enough, but there is nothing stopping her going on her own, or bringing a close friend or sister - it's ONE wedding. Since this is a former work colleague's wedding she will have plenty of plus-ones to choose from who will not have been invited already.

If you are meeting your brother on New Years and he lives abroad, it is unreasonable for her to insist that you go to the wedding with her. To me, that would be more important than going to some stranger's wedding. Why is it that her plan for new years trumps yours?

Talk to her again. Explain that you have already agreed to go to one wedding you're not pushed on and you would like to spend new years with your brother and family - it's unfair for her to make you miss out on that when you going with her is completely unnecessary.

GreeBo

FitzElla wrote: »

Presumably most other people going to the weddings are going with their OH. Would seem unfair to me to leave her on her own - it can be a long day especially if you don't know that many people there. As said above, part and parcel of a relationship really.

Slightly off topic, but I will never understand people who go to a wedding when they dont know people and would be bored if they were on their own.

An invite to a wedding isnt a decree, you dont have to go. If you dont have a relationship with the people getting married and dont have any contact with the other people who are going to be there....then dont go to the darn thing.

Dragging a partner along to something that you dont want to go to yourself is just a waste of time and money, add in NYE and best of luck, but I wont be there!

EmptyTree

CrankyHaus wrote: »

Honestly I suspect she wants to show off to people that she has a new BF.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Most people don't want to go to weddings on their own. Having a fella on her arm is probably part of the package

I get what is meant in these posts, but OP, she may want you to go because she wants you to be there for who you are, not because you're some sort of fashion accessory. She clearly sees something in your relationship if she's thinking 6 months + ahead.

Explain to her how important new years eve is to you,just be prepared that she may find it difficult to understand that you want to go to the pub for new years (albeit with your brother who's home from England) as you do that she wants you to go to a strangers wedding.

If it was me I'd just go - I didn't go to a wedding with someone once and it is one of my biggest regrets. But have the conversation with her that future potential weddings should be discussed and not just assumed that you'd go.

tony1kenobi

Your girlfriend likes going to weddings. It’s not like they’ll be every week.

Just go along. There are bound to be things you like that she thinks are ****e too.

Nobbies

number19 wrote: »

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 18 months now, love her very much and can see myself marrying her in the not too distant future. However she recently told(didn't ask btw) that we will be attending two weddings, one in November for an old friend she doesn't see very much and the other for a work colleague, who used to be on her team, thats on New Years Eve. I told her I wasn't too happy about having to attend these weddings, which turned into a row and ended with me having to concede defeat and say I'll go to them.

She told me yesterday that a friend got engaged, now that is a wedding I would be delighted and proud to accompany her to, knowing that its for a close friend of hers, same goes for any of her family that tie the knot. However I can't help feeling annoyed that I have to give up
New Years going to the local with my brother(traditional thing, he'll be over from England) and ideally my girlfriend plus friends, to instead go the wedding of someone I don't know and will probaly never meet again.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? As you might have guessed, I'm not a big fan of weddings but I would love to attend weddings with her for people that matter in our lives(close friends/family) but not for every acquaintance/work colleague that she feels we should attend. Without wanting to sound like an 80s rock star, is this what love is?

off to them weddings with you, or i doubt she,ll be turning up at the one you suggest above. enjoy ☺

Regie93

number19 wrote: »

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? 

No. You're not selfish. You just have a different opinion. And it's OK.
Moreover, your GF should respect your point of view, even if she don't like it. Strong relationships are all about understanding and compromise.

Even if you told that already, try to explain her, why you don't want to attend her "work colleagues" weddings. Say, what's important to you, that you want to spend holidays with her as a part of your family.

pwurple

Ah yes, they come in a bunch, the wedding invites. Tell you what OP though... If you do see marriage in your own future, you may see these people at your own! A lot of people do invite people who invited them.

I wonder are you socially similar, or is one of you more outgoing? My husband makes an effort to know my colleagues, comes with me to events when partners are invited, and I do likewise with his. Colleagues are people you spend a heck of a lot of time with generally.

Now, I do think you shouldn't be "told" summarily to go. That's not on. You should decide together. But if my partner was turning his nose up at meeting my colleagues, I would find that weird.

woodchuck

Generally speaking, yes, it is expected that when you're in a relationship you'll accompany each other to weddings.

However, there are a couple of issues here:
1. She should be asking you, not telling you. Obviously you might have other plans or limited annual leave (for weekday weddings) or limited finances (if there are multiple invites in one year).
2. New years eve... I think it's perfectly acceptable if you want to spend new years eve with your brother. You need to have a chat with her about that.

FitzElla

GreeBo wrote: »

An invite to a wedding isnt a decree, you dont have to go. If you dont have a relationship with the people getting married and dont have any contact with the other people who are going to be there....then dont go to the darn thing.

Dragging a partner along to something that you dont want to go to yourself is just a waste of time and money, add in NYE and best of luck, but I wont be there!

Yes but in this case the girlfriend has decided she is going and is looking for her OH to accompany her. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your partner of 18 months to accompany you to events where you are both invited as a couple, even if he doesn't know anybody and would rather be somewhere else. If he genuinely can't make it that is different but "I don't want to" wouldn't really be an excuse for me anyway.

GreeBo

FitzElla wrote: »

Yes but in this case the girlfriend has decided she is going and is looking for her OH to accompany her. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your partner of 18 months to accompany you to events where you are both invited as a couple, even if he doesn't know anybody and would rather be somewhere else. If he genuinely can't make it that is different but "I don't want to" wouldn't really be an excuse for me anyway.

Its the not the boyfriend who doesnt know anyone, its the girlfriend, hence why the OP doesnt want to go. Neither of them are going to know people there.

Wesser

Yes. That is what love is.

Making sacrifices and doing things you don't want to do because you love her .

That is what love is.

FitzElla

GreeBo wrote: »

Its the not the boyfriend who doesnt know anyone, its the girlfriend, hence why the OP doesnt want to go. Neither of them are going to know people there.

It's not a questions of them both not going to a wedding because they are only making up numbers and won't know anyone. For whatever reason the girlfriend has decided she wants to go to these two weddings and is looking for her boyfriend to accompany her. He simply doesn't want to go because he doesn't see the point.

For me if we are invited as a couple either we both go to the wedding, or we both politely decline the invite. I just see that as being part of a relationship, others may disagree and that's ok, every relationship is different.

SAMTALK

The wedding on New Years Eve is the problem really. You have a tradition with your brother and to be honest I cant see why you should break this for a wedding where you wont know anyone.

It's a work connection so really your girlfriend should be able to go on her own and understand that you have no connection with the couple.

Surely if you tell her the compromise is you'll go to the 1st but not the 2nd she should also compromise.
New Years Eve wedding.....complete nightmare in my book

SozBbz

its a tricky one OP. Neither of you are wrong exactly, but you just are coming at the same situation from different perspectives.
I've had this same fight with my OH in our early years (thankfully peak wedding has passed for us). I guess on my part I was excited to be invited (this has worn off now!) and it didnt even occour to me that he might not want to go, so I just happily accepted for us both. 
Then he tells me he doesn't want to go and I was pretty taken aback. He went in the end but not without many many arguments about totally irreverent things because he was just not happy about going.
He came to the weddings, but now I suppose I've learned to be more discerning in the invites I accept on our behalves.
My advice is to definitely tell her your feelings, but don't dig your heals in too much. My own OH did ultimately appologise to me for his behaviour because while he might have had a valid point, the way he went about it ended up souring the weddings for me because of all the fighting sulking. 
He now is better at putting on a brave face and I now turn down invites if they're not close family/friends.

Bob24

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Think these are things that you just have to suck up and go to. Part of being in a relationship is going to weddings with the OH of people who you don't really know sometimes.

Both sides have to be reasonable though.

In my view asking the OP to give up his traditional NYE event with a family member who’s visiting from abroad in order to attend the wedding of someone which he doesn’t know and who is not a family member or a close friend of his partner is unreasonable.

SozBbz

Bob24 wrote: »

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Think these are things that you just have to suck up and go to. Part of being in a relationship is going to weddings with the OH of people who you don't really know sometimes.

Both sides have to be reasonable though.

In my view asking the OP to give up his traditional NYE event with a family member who’s visiting from abroad in order to attend the wedding of someone which he doesn’t know and who is not a family member or a close friend of his partner is unreasonable.

Im conscious we're only getting the OPs perspective here. 

Maybe the brother is over for 2 weeks at christmas. Maybe the GF just thinks going down the local is fine on New Years unless you've a better offer. Maybe she doesnt think/understand it having some greater significance. Also, maybe the significance isnt that great, but its a handy excuse given that our OP clearly just doesnt want to attend these weddings. Could be any of the above.
Also, I don't know anyone who finds new years that big of a deal. In my experience most people find it a let down. I did go to a wedding once on New Years and it was brilliant, plenty of people remarked that it was nice to actually have something on with others to celebrate, rather than rambling around town, paying over the odds and then not being able to find a taxi home.

SAMTALK

SozBbz wrote: »

Im conscious we're only getting the OPs perspective here. 


Also, I don't know anyone who finds new years that big of a deal. In my experience most people find it a let down. I did go to a wedding once on New Years and it was brilliant, plenty of people remarked that it was nice to actually have something on with others to celebrate, rather than rambling around town, paying over the odds and then not being able to find a taxi home.

I think if it's a wedding where you know a lot of people that's fine but it's work connections on girlfriends side so it wouldn't be quite the same.

Bob24

SozBbz wrote: »

Im conscious we're only getting the OPs perspective here. 

Maybe the brother is over for 2 weeks at christmas. Maybe the GF just thinks going down the local is fine on New Years unless you've a better offer. Maybe she doesnt think/understand it having some greater significance. Also, maybe the significance isnt that great, but its a handy excuse given that our OP clearly just doesnt want to attend these weddings. Could be any of the above.
Also, I don't know anyone who finds new years that big of a deal. In my experience most people find it a let down. I did go to a wedding once on New Years and it was brilliant, plenty of people remarked that it was nice to actually have something on with others to celebrate, rather than rambling around town, paying over the odds and then not being able to find a taxi home.

Thing is, that wedding doesn’t seem to be that big a deal either as the OP doesn’t know anyone and the bride is described as a former work teammate (I.e. not a close friend, and we can only comment based on the information we have).

Regardless of how formal the OP’s outing is with his brother, I don’t see how asking him to sacrifice what has became a yearly tradition they enjoy with a family member who’s living abroad can be reasonable just for the sake of showing up at the wedding of someone they don’t know and which doesn’t seem to be that close to his partner. So if not already done so and assuming his partner is reasonable, I think just calmly explaining that to her should get her to understand it is wiser to let him enjoy his family time on this particular occasion.

If it was his partner’s sister wedding ... would be a different story (but even then, as others have said anyone planning their wedding on New Years Eve has to know that the date will be a concern for a good chunk of their guests and they can’t expect the same attendance level as on a “regular” day).

SozBbz

Bob24 wrote: »

Thing is, that wedding doesn’t seem to be that big a deal either as the OP doesn’t know anyone and the bride is described as a former work teammate (I.e. not a close friend, and we can only comment based on the information we have).

Regardless of how formal the OP’s outing is with his brother, I don’t see how asking him to sacrifice what has became a yearly tradition they enjoy with a family member who’s living abroad can be reasonable just for the sake of showing up at the wedding of someone they don’t know and which doesn’t seem to be that close to his partner. So if not already done so and assuming his partner is reasonable, I think just calmly explaining that to her should get her to understand it is wiser to let him enjoy his family time on this particular occasion.

If it was his partner’s sister wedding ... would be a different story (but even then, as others have said anyone planning their wedding on New Years Eve has to know that the date will be a concern for a good chunk of their guests and they can’t expect the same attendance level as on a “regular” day).

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

SAMTALK

SozBbz wrote: »

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

But in the original post he says 1st wedding is an old friend she doesnt see very much and 2nd is a work colleague who used to be on her team so in fairness it doesnt sound like it a friendship thing or surely it would be put as an old friend she doesnt see very much and old friend she used to work with. We can only go on what OP says .

If I was going to a wedding and my partner didnt want to go I'd prefer if he stayed at home rather than sulk !!

Bob24

SozBbz wrote: »

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

No I get your point but as I said we can only comment based on the situation as it is described to us. If the OP is under or overstating some points it is their own business and they might not get the best advice on top of that, but there is no point in questioning what they are saying and trying to build possible alternate scenarios.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

The New Years Eve one I'd say talk to her again and stand your ground. Be aware of how she responds, and of her attitude when you want her to accompany you to something.

I agree that yes, a part of committed LTRs is doing and talking about stupid bullsh1t you don't care about, and doing it willingly and cheerfully because it makes them happy, but it has to be a two way street.

witchgirl26

OP why are some weddings ok but others not. I'd agree with others who've said that if the New Years thing with your brother is that much of a big deal to you, you need to have a chat to your girlfriend and explain it. Say you'll go to the other wedding happily but you really don't want to change a tradition for a wedding.

There's a reason she feels she wants to attend these weddings so maybe understand that. You are still quite recently together so just because you think they're just an old friend and an ex-work colleague, doesn't mean that they're not important to her. She might be in touch with both but just not meet up very often.

How come you're not a big fan of weddings? Is it the getting dressed up, the forced conversation at the table or just the effort in general? Maybe if you discussed that with your girlfriend and explained, she might be better able to understand and compromise in terms of weddings. However ultimately she may still want you to go to them with her.

GreeBo wrote: »

Slightly off topic, but I will never understand people who go to a wedding when they dont know people and would be bored if they were on their own.

Because they know the bride or groom and want to celebrate with them. I've been at a couple of weddings where I've maybe known 2 other couples at the wedding in total bar the bride and groom. If I was there by myself, I would have been a bit bored as couples generally stick together at weddings and being third-wheeley isn't fun. I'd always prefer in those scenarios to bring my OH or else a friend at least so I'd have someone to have a bit of a laugh with.

SAMTALK wrote: »

But in the original post he says 1st wedding is an old friend she doesnt see very much and 2nd is a work colleague who used to be on her team so in fairness it doesnt sound like it a friendship thing or surely it would be put as an old friend she doesnt see very much and old friend she used to work with. We can only go on what OP says .

If I was going to a wedding and my partner didnt want to go I'd prefer if he stayed at home rather than sulk !!

But that is from the OP's perspective. My OH could say something similar about a couple of weddings we've been to. In the years we've been together he met one of the brides a handful of times and even I don't get to see her that often. She would be an old friend and I'd be very close to. He maybe wouldn't have appreciated how much of a friend she was to me despite not seeing each other all the time. Both of us have busy lives with different things so struggle to meet in person more than a few times a year.

SozBbz

Bob24 wrote: »

SozBbz wrote: »

I think you're missing my point -your taking the OPs point of view as gospel. I'm merely pointing out that we're getting a very one sided view of the situation. 
I think its quite possible that he's exagerating the importance of going down the pub with his brother because he just doesnt really want to go to this wedding. This may or may not be the case, but its certainly possible. He then wants internet strangers to agree with him to validate his position.
Secondly, I'm good friends with a number of former colleagues, probably more so than with my current colleagues. There are two girls in particular who I've stayed close to and we chat back and forth on whatsapp and meet for dinner maybe every other month after work. Now, my OH probably hardly notices these friendships, but they're important to me. You're again taking the OP at his word that these weddings are unimportant, when they may not be to his girlfriend.

No I get your point but as I said we can only comment based on the situation as it is described to us. If the OP is under or overstating some points it is their own business and they might not get the best advice on top of that, but there is no point in questioning what they are saying and trying to build possible alternate scenarios.

I don't agree. Asking the OP to examine their own motives is key. You see it on here all the time, people coming on just looking for validation of their own opinions rather than real advice.
The OP says he loves this girl, plans on marrying her, so from that I take that she's probably not a horrible, unreasonable person and should be given the benefit of the doubt and her perspective considered also.

Bob24

SozBbz wrote: »

I don't agree. Asking the OP to examine their own motives is key. You see it on here all the time, people coming on just looking for validation of their own opinions rather than real advice.
The OP says he loves this girl, plans on marrying her, so from that I take that she's probably not a horrible, unreasonable person and should be given the benefit of the doubt and her perspective considered also.

Sure her perspective should be considered. But no one here can do it by proxy for the OP who already had a chat with her about this and posted his view on the situation here. So as I said: unless there is something obvious the OP has missed out and she can clarify for him, if she’s reasonable and based on what was said here - if explained calmly she should come to the conclusion that it is wiser to let him enjoy his family on New Year’s Eve than forcing him to go to a wedding which is not that important and that he doesn’t want to go to (especially if he makes an effort to go to the other one).

SAMTALK

SozBbz wrote: »

I don't agree. Asking the OP to examine their own motives is key. You see it on here all the time, people coming on just looking for validation of their own opinions rather than real advice.
The OP says he loves this girl, plans on marrying her, so from that I take that she's probably not a horrible, unreasonable person and should be given the benefit of the doubt and her perspective considered also.

But how are we supposed to know those telling it as it is and those looking for validation?
All we can do is take it as it is told to us and advise on that alone instead of going into 100 different versions of what we think it might be..
I dont think anyone suggested she is a horrible or unreasonable person just that maybe there should be give and take . 2 X weddings and OP have prior arrangement on New Years Eve.

number19

I get what some people are saying about its a relationship and I should just suck it up etc, and at the moment I'm inclined to think I will go to both weddings but I'm also going to be honest with her that I'm not overly thrilled to be at them, I have to be honest, that is also what relationships are about.

As for how close they are to her, when she first told me about these weddings, my reaction(in my head) was "who??", which sums it up. In 18 months of being with her, these colleagues/old friends might have been mentioned once, she's never met up with them and barley talked about them if at all, she's just got an invite to their wedding and feels she has to go and insists I come too. I've been with her long enough now to know who her closest friends are. She has a couple of work colleagues that I've never met that are actually good friends, she talks about them a lot, has visited them, and if they were getting married I'd gladly go with her even though I've never met them but I know they are close friends.

I just wish my girlfriend didn’t take these wedding invites so seriously and was a bit more selective about what weddings she wants us to attend. I just don’t think you should go to every wedding you’re invited to, they can be a lot of hassle especially on a day like New Years eve when you’ve to tell your family you won’t be with them because you’ve to go to a strangers wedding and talk to a load of people you don’t know and will never meet again. Also I’m not looking for validation from strangers, I know not everybody is going to agree with me on this, just an interesting debate while we’re bored in work

SAMTALK

Fair play number 19 if you're willing to do that for your girlfriend.

Keyzer

Best thing to do is get absolutely wasted at the first wedding and vomit all over the bride - she'll think twice about asking you again.

witchgirl26

OP I honestly think you should just go along with going to them both if you feel strongly about missing the New Years Eve thing. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her that while you're happy to go to the other, you really don't want to give up the New Years tradition for a wedding.

In terms of her not mentioning them, again it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have a couple of old friends that I hadn't seen in years and that I wouldn't really talk about because of that. We met up again recently, at a wedding actually, and my OH of 7 years was asking me who she was as I hadn't mentioned her really at all before - maybe in passing. Yet if that same person sent me an invite to her wedding, I'd be there in a heartbeat, no question. We fell out of touch but not out of badness. Maybe your girlfriend is thinking of the weddings as a chance to reconnect.

If you want her to be more selective with wedding invitations, that's a conversation you need to have with her. Say that you're happy to attend weddings but that you don't necessarily want to go to every one. My OH is off to a wedding without me in a couple of months because he wants to go, I don't, I wouldn't know anyone there and he's openly said he's not that close to the groom at all. Himself and his brother are off to it together while the girls stay home. Everyone happy with that.

Pelvis

Personally, I don't give a toss about weddings (I'm a bloke). I went to my gf's sisters wedding in another county and that's fair enough, it's her sister. There's another one at the end of the year for her friend, and that's in Dublin so fair enough again. But she has another friend getting married abroad and tbh that's where I draw the line. I don't know this person and I'm not wasting my holiday's as well as the expense to go to their wedding.

If I got an invite to a wedding and she didn't want to go then I wouldn't care. What exactly is the big deal? It's just a wedding.

ginandtonicsky

I'd just have a frank conversation. Especially if you're in that age bracket where wedding invitations are going to be a pretty regular thing for a while.

"Right. How are we going to approach the weddings situation together? I don't think it's practical or mutually beneficial for us to unquestioningly accept every single invitation and attend together every time."

From there, I'd negotiate something that works for both of you. You'll go to one of these upcoming weddings, but not the other, E.G you're keeping your New Years tradition because it's really important to you.

Personally I never minded when my ex couldn't come along with me. We had different groups of friends and often I'd spend the night worrying about him not knowing people, being bored etc. Perhaps frame it like that - I want you to enjoy these things, and if I'm not enjoying being there it's going to stress you out.

Maybe you agree to go to the weddings of close friends / family members and/or people you've actually met before, but not these people that aren't so close? Point out the lack of practicalities when it comes to you spending your money and annual leave on weddings of people you don't know.

wiggle16

Wesser wrote: »

Yes. That is what love is.

Making sacrifices and doing things you don't want to do because you love her .

That is what love is.

Hallmark nonsense.

Love also means not forcing someone to make sacrifices or do things they don't want to, just to satisfy your own petty whim.

His girlfriend knows he doesn't want to go, but has thrown a strop and forced him into going into some bozo's wedding and give up his own plans, just so she won't have to go on her own. Really bratty carry on tbh.

She's being very selfish and needs to grow up - it's a one off, OP is going to other weddings with her, it would be different if they were together years and she's had to attend multiple weddings alone That's different.

She can go to this one wedding on her own if she has to or bring a friend or relative and stop caring about what other people think, and start caring about her boyfriend's feelings too.

seamus

number19 wrote: »

I just wish my girlfriend didn’t take these wedding invites so seriously and was a bit more selective about what weddings she wants us to attend.

At the end of the day, it's one of those unspoken social rules.

If you get invited to a wedding - the whole day, not just the afters - and you turn it down because, "I can't be bothered", then you're effectively severing all ties with that person. It's a given that the it's up there as the most serious, "I value your presence" invite a person can get, so social convention is that you don't brush it off as nothing.

So your girlfriend is always going to accept a wedding invite unless she has a good reason why she can't go, or unless she wants to end her friendship with that person.

By extension it's then assumed that you - as her serious, long-term partner - will also go unless you have a good reason not to. If she goes and you don't, she'll be asked where you are. "At home scratching his balls because he didn't want to come", isn't the answer she wants to give, it leaves her in an awkward position.

Your New Years' Eve plans are of course a perfectly valid reason. I think you should keep them and blow off the wedding.