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Girlfriend wants me to go to weddings and I don't want to go

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  • 22-08-2018 4:46pm
    #1
    number19
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭


    I've been going out with my girlfriend for 18 months now, love her very much and can see myself marrying her in the not too distant future. However she recently told(didn't ask btw) that we will be attending two weddings, one in November for an old friend she doesn't see very much and the other for a work colleague, who used to be on her team, thats on New Years Eve. I told her I wasn't too happy about having to attend these weddings, which turned into a row and ended with me having to concede defeat and say I'll go to them.

    She told me yesterday that a friend got engaged, now that is a wedding I would be delighted and proud to accompany her to, knowing that its for a close friend of hers, same goes for any of her family that tie the knot. However I can't help feeling annoyed that I have to give up
    New Years going to the local with my brother(traditional thing, he'll be over from England) and ideally my girlfriend plus friends, to instead go the wedding of someone I don't know and will probaly never meet again.

    Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? As you might have guessed, I'm not a big fan of weddings but I would love to attend weddings with her for people that matter in our lives(close friends/family) but not for every acquaintance/work colleague that she feels we should attend. Without wanting to sound like an 80s rock star, is this what love is?
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    #2
    Liam McPoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,846 ✭✭✭✭Liam McPoyle


    Welcome to relationships. You have to do things you don't particularly want to and I'm sure there will be occasions where the same applies to her.

    She should have asked but it's not as if they are abroad.


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    #3
    heebusjeebus
    Registered Users Posts: 3,783 ✭✭✭heebusjeebus


    Ya, I go to all mandated weddings but at least I've been spared the subsequent Christenings.


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    #4
    Happy4all
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,089 ✭✭✭Happy4all


    <SNIP - no need to quote entire OP>

    Sure why would you not want to go? You might even get off with one of the bridesmaids


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    #5
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,419 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Think these are things that you just have to suck up and go to. Part of being in a relationship is going to weddings with the OH of people who you don't really know sometimes.


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    #6
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Happy4all wrote: »
    <SNIP - no need to quote entire OP>

    Sure why would you not want to go? You might even get off with one of the bridesmaids

    Right, the OP was the part that needed snipping.


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    #7
    jimbev
    Registered Users Posts: 164 ✭✭jimbev


    It's called compromise
    Tell her your go to the one not on new years Eve


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    #8
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Myself I'd negotiate. I'm not as social as himself is so I only go to selected events. But if I do go I make an effort, dress well, talk to people etc. because I eant to be there.

    Talk to your girl so that you go to the one(s) you have a genuine connection to. It's not reasonable to "tell" you to do them all.


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    #9
    FitzElla
    Registered Users Posts: 126 ✭✭FitzElla


    Presumably most other people going to the weddings are going with their OH. Would seem unfair to me to leave her on her own - it can be a long day especially if you don't know that many people there. As said above, part and parcel of a relationship really.


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    #10
    CrankyHaus
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,281 ✭✭✭CrankyHaus


    Tell her how you feel. If she wants to go to every wedding she gets invited to, like her old work colleague's, she obviously enjoys them. But insisting you come too, on a day you've set aside for family, suggests a lack of consideration. Honestly I suspect she wants to show off to people that she has a new BF.

    Some people take weddings far too seriously. They are to be enjoyed not endured. Excepting direct family and very close friends just don't go to one that's a hassle. My GF had to skip one of my close friend's one for reasons I entirely understood. I wouldn't dream of putting an obligation on her for any wedding other than direct family and I'd only want her along to one if I thought she'd enjoy it.


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    #11
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    CrankyHaus wrote: »
    Tell her how you feel. If she wants to go to every wedding she gets invited to, like her old work colleague's, she obviously enjoys them. But insisting you come too, on a day you've set aside for family, suggests a lack of consideration. Honestly I suspect she wants to show off to people that she has a new BF.

    Some people take weddings far too seriously. They are to be enjoyed not endured. Excepting direct family and very close friends just don't go to one that's a hassle. My GF had to skip one of my close friend's one for reasons I entirely understood. I wouldn't dream of putting an obligation on her for any wedding other than direct family and I'd only want her along to one if I thought she'd enjoy it.

    Or maybe she just doesn't want to go on her own?

    OP, it's not a huge compromise to go to a wedding with your girlfriend. Just because you don't know the person, and she does, isn't really enough reason not to go. When the time comes and you are invited to a wedding of a friend that she doesn't know, you might remember that if you want her to accompany you.


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    #12
    Eric Cartman
    Registered Users Posts: 26,282 ✭✭✭✭Eric Cartman


    I wouldn't want to go to a wedding on New Years eve anyway, what kind of narcissists do that , people are just out of money after Christmas and have to pony up to cancel all their traditions and family plans for some couple.

    OP I'm with you on that wedding, if my own sister wanted to have her wedding on NYE id tell her I won't be there. That is probably the most inconsiderate day of the year to have a wedding.

    aside from that, agree to go to the other one, but be down the boozer with your brother, where people belong on NYE.


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    #13
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    All you can do is try to talk to her again when emotions aren't running so high. Some people like going to weddings (god only knows why!) and it sounds like your girlfriend is one of those. You'll probably end up going to more weddings than you'd like but she is being unfair if she's expecting you to give up all those days out of your life to go to ones of people she barely even knows now. It all depends how you phrase it and how you put your point across to her.

    Will you be seeing your brother at any other times over the Christmas?


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    #14
    bertsmom
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭bertsmom


    I used to have this with my ex he wanted me to accompany him to all these type of weddings and now to be honest I never mindedwhen it was a good friend of his or a close relation etc but the whole work colleague thing or old pal he hadnt laid eyes on in years and got a filler invite for I just said no to. You are still your own person when ina relationship and once you compromise a bit I dont think you have to be there to hold her hand for EVERY wedding surely. Id definitely be refusing the new years eve one.


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    #15
    CrankyHaus
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,281 ✭✭✭CrankyHaus


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    Or maybe she just doesn't want to go on her own?

    Then why does she want to go at all?

    If she can't enjoy the company of these people without having her BF, who's never met any of them, there while he's gritting his teeth at missing a family event. There's no obligation, it's someone who used to be at her team in work.


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    #16
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    CrankyHaus wrote: »
    Then why does she want to go at all?

    If she can't enjoy the company of these people without having her BF, who's never met any of them, there while he's gritting his teeth at missing a family event. There's no obligation, it's someone who used to be at her team in work.

    She's probably one of those types who loves getting dressed up, dolled up and dancing after the meal. Such people exist.. Most people don't want to go to weddings on their own. Having a fella on her arm is probably part of the package


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    #17
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    I love going to weddings. Getting dressed up, having craic with my friends/family and sometimes strangers. I'd love to have my partner with me at them all because I find them deeply touching and love having him around at it.

    However I appreciate that many people (mostly blokes I think) would rather poke their eyeball than attend one. So for me it about compromise. The close friends/family ones he attends. The ones where he knows no one or its a work colleague etc I go without him as there is usually a gang of people I know in the same boat.

    Talk to her. She may surprise you.


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    #18
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I get where people are coming from with the whole "welcome to the world of relationships" schtick, but no, that's not how things work. Your girlfriend has some growing up to do, OP. Yep, it's all about compromise - and compromise does not mean one person gets their way all the time.

    It's one thing to accept an invitation on your behalf as a couple, it's quite another to force you to accompany her. If she can't go to the wedding without you, what did she do before she met you? Decline every invite? In all likelihood she just wants to show you off and that's fair enough, but there is nothing stopping her going on her own, or bringing a close friend or sister - it's ONE wedding. Since this is a former work colleague's wedding she will have plenty of plus-ones to choose from who will not have been invited already.

    If you are meeting your brother on New Years and he lives abroad, it is unreasonable for her to insist that you go to the wedding with her. To me, that would be more important than going to some stranger's wedding. Why is it that her plan for new years trumps yours?

    Talk to her again. Explain that you have already agreed to go to one wedding you're not pushed on and you would like to spend new years with your brother and family - it's unfair for her to make you miss out on that when you going with her is completely unnecessary.


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    #19
    GreeBo
    Registered Users Posts: 27,121 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    FitzElla wrote: »
    Presumably most other people going to the weddings are going with their OH. Would seem unfair to me to leave her on her own - it can be a long day especially if you don't know that many people there. As said above, part and parcel of a relationship really.

    Slightly off topic, but I will never understand people who go to a wedding when they dont know people and would be bored if they were on their own.

    An invite to a wedding isnt a decree, you dont have to go. If you dont have a relationship with the people getting married and dont have any contact with the other people who are going to be there....then dont go to the darn thing.

    Dragging a partner along to something that you dont want to go to yourself is just a waste of time and money, add in NYE and best of luck, but I wont be there!


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    #20
    EmptyTree
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭EmptyTree


    CrankyHaus wrote: »
    Honestly I suspect she wants to show off to people that she has a new BF.
    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Most people don't want to go to weddings on their own. Having a fella on her arm is probably part of the package

    I get what is meant in these posts, but OP, she may want you to go because she wants you to be there for who you are, not because you're some sort of fashion accessory. She clearly sees something in your relationship if she's thinking 6 months + ahead.

    Explain to her how important new years eve is to you,just be prepared that she may find it difficult to understand that you want to go to the pub for new years (albeit with your brother who's home from England) as you do that she wants you to go to a strangers wedding.

    If it was me I'd just go - I didn't go to a wedding with someone once and it is one of my biggest regrets. But have the conversation with her that future potential weddings should be discussed and not just assumed that you'd go.


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    #21
    tony1kenobi
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭tony1kenobi


    Your girlfriend likes going to weddings. It’s not like they’ll be every week.

    Just go along. There are bound to be things you like that she thinks are ****e too.


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    #22
    Nobbies
    Registered Users Posts: 351 ✭✭Nobbies


    number19 wrote: »
    I've been going out with my girlfriend for 18 months now, love her very much and can see myself marrying her in the not too distant future. However she recently told(didn't ask btw) that we will be attending two weddings, one in November for an old friend she doesn't see very much and the other for a work colleague, who used to be on her team, thats on New Years Eve. I told her I wasn't too happy about having to attend these weddings, which turned into a row and ended with me having to concede defeat and say I'll go to them.

    She told me yesterday that a friend got engaged, now that is a wedding I would be delighted and proud to accompany her to, knowing that its for a close friend of hers, same goes for any of her family that tie the knot. However I can't help feeling annoyed that I have to give up
    New Years going to the local with my brother(traditional thing, he'll be over from England) and ideally my girlfriend plus friends, to instead go the wedding of someone I don't know and will probaly never meet again.

    Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? As you might have guessed, I'm not a big fan of weddings but I would love to attend weddings with her for people that matter in our lives(close friends/family) but not for every acquaintance/work colleague that she feels we should attend. Without wanting to sound like an 80s rock star, is this what love is?

    off to them weddings with you, or i doubt she,ll be turning up at the one you suggest above. enjoy ☺


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    #23
    Regie93
    Registered Users Posts: 21 ✭Regie93


    number19 wrote: »
    Am I being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? 
    No. You're not selfish. You just have a different opinion. And it's OK.
    Moreover, your GF should respect your point of view, even if she don't like it. Strong relationships are all about understanding and compromise.

    Even if you told that already, try to explain her, why you don't want to attend her "work colleagues" weddings. Say, what's important to you, that you want to spend holidays with her as a part of your family.


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    #24
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Ah yes, they come in a bunch, the wedding invites. Tell you what OP though... If you do see marriage in your own future, you may see these people at your own! A lot of people do invite people who invited them.

    I wonder are you socially similar, or is one of you more outgoing? My husband makes an effort to know my colleagues, comes with me to events when partners are invited, and I do likewise with his. Colleagues are people you spend a heck of a lot of time with generally.

    Now, I do think you shouldn't be "told" summarily to go. That's not on. You should decide together. But if my partner was turning his nose up at meeting my colleagues, I would find that weird.


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    #25
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Generally speaking, yes, it is expected that when you're in a relationship you'll accompany each other to weddings.

    However, there are a couple of issues here:
    1. She should be asking you, not telling you. Obviously you might have other plans or limited annual leave (for weekday weddings) or limited finances (if there are multiple invites in one year).
    2. New years eve... I think it's perfectly acceptable if you want to spend new years eve with your brother. You need to have a chat with her about that.


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    #26
    FitzElla
    Registered Users Posts: 126 ✭✭FitzElla


    GreeBo wrote: »
    An invite to a wedding isnt a decree, you dont have to go. If you dont have a relationship with the people getting married and dont have any contact with the other people who are going to be there....then dont go to the darn thing.

    Dragging a partner along to something that you dont want to go to yourself is just a waste of time and money, add in NYE and best of luck, but I wont be there!

    Yes but in this case the girlfriend has decided she is going and is looking for her OH to accompany her. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your partner of 18 months to accompany you to events where you are both invited as a couple, even if he doesn't know anybody and would rather be somewhere else. If he genuinely can't make it that is different but "I don't want to" wouldn't really be an excuse for me anyway.


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    #27
    GreeBo
    Registered Users Posts: 27,121 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    FitzElla wrote: »
    Yes but in this case the girlfriend has decided she is going and is looking for her OH to accompany her. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your partner of 18 months to accompany you to events where you are both invited as a couple, even if he doesn't know anybody and would rather be somewhere else. If he genuinely can't make it that is different but "I don't want to" wouldn't really be an excuse for me anyway.

    Its the not the boyfriend who doesnt know anyone, its the girlfriend, hence why the OP doesnt want to go. Neither of them are going to know people there.


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    #28
    Wesser
    Registered Users Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭Wesser


    Yes. That is what love is.

    Making sacrifices and doing things you don't want to do because you love her .

    That is what love is.


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    #29
    FitzElla
    Registered Users Posts: 126 ✭✭FitzElla


    GreeBo wrote: »
    Its the not the boyfriend who doesnt know anyone, its the girlfriend, hence why the OP doesnt want to go. Neither of them are going to know people there.

    It's not a questions of them both not going to a wedding because they are only making up numbers and won't know anyone. For whatever reason the girlfriend has decided she wants to go to these two weddings and is looking for her boyfriend to accompany her. He simply doesn't want to go because he doesn't see the point.

    For me if we are invited as a couple either we both go to the wedding, or we both politely decline the invite. I just see that as being part of a relationship, others may disagree and that's ok, every relationship is different.


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    #30
    SAMTALK
    Registered Users Posts: 2,321 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    The wedding on New Years Eve is the problem really. You have a tradition with your brother and to be honest I cant see why you should break this for a wedding where you wont know anyone.

    It's a work connection so really your girlfriend should be able to go on her own and understand that you have no connection with the couple.

    Surely if you tell her the compromise is you'll go to the 1st but not the 2nd she should also compromise.
    New Years Eve wedding.....complete nightmare in my book


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    #31
    SozBbz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    its a tricky one OP. Neither of you are wrong exactly, but you just are coming at the same situation from different perspectives.
    I've had this same fight with my OH in our early years (thankfully peak wedding has passed for us). I guess on my part I was excited to be invited (this has worn off now!) and it didnt even occour to me that he might not want to go, so I just happily accepted for us both. 
    Then he tells me he doesn't want to go and I was pretty taken aback. He went in the end but not without many many arguments about totally irreverent things because he was just not happy about going.
    He came to the weddings, but now I suppose I've learned to be more discerning in the invites I accept on our behalves.
    My advice is to definitely tell her your feelings, but don't dig your heals in too much. My own OH did ultimately appologise to me for his behaviour because while he might have had a valid point, the way he went about it ended up souring the weddings for me because of all the fighting sulking. 
    He now is better at putting on a brave face and I now turn down invites if they're not close family/friends.


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