David

LegacyUser

I'm 36 and married for 12 years, i have a 7 year old boy, i love my wife, i also love a co-worker who is 21 and she is driving me wild thinking about her. As far as she knows we are just co-workers. I'm scared to tell her incase it ruins our friendship and all the stuff that comes after. my marriage is non sexual ( theres no intamacy at all ) , i need advice

Rosepetals85

Is this 21 year old driving you wild because you are just not having sex with your wife ??

If you were having sex with your wife, would this 21 year old still be driving you wild. To be honest, I’d avoid this 21 year old like the plague. Do you find your wife sexy ? I find 21 year old a bit of a head wreck. You really want to throw a marriage away over a 21 year old who for sure will not want a serious commitment off you. Go and chat with your wife and get to the root of the problem. In the mean time, go and have a wa&k like most men do.

Just to add, if you did mention your wild thoughts to this girl, you could end up in serious trouble with work as you don’t know how she will take it as well as looking like a creep who has a wife and child at home. I know that would make my skin crawl if a married man said something like that to me. Also she will talk to other colleagues and friends. Put more energy in with your wife.

Addle

There is absolutely no need for you to talk to your colleague about this.
Don't let your problem become hers.

Mongfinder General

You’re on a hiding to nothing. If the missus finds out, she’ll take you to the cleaners.

If you’re not happily married and want out, you’ll have to wait. I suggest saving money hard offside and then waiting to split the rest of your assets with your wife when your kid is late teens.

Dial Hard

Mongfinder General wrote:

If you’re not happily married and want out, you’ll have to wait. I suggest saving money hard offside and then waiting to split the rest of your assets with your wife when your kid is late teens.

This is terrible advice. The courts take an extremely dim view of people attempting to hide assets in a divorce and believe me, they are well aware of all the tricks people use to do it.

OP, you need to separate the two issues here. The real problem is your marriage and I suspect this infatuation with your colleague is just a symptom of that. How long has sex been an issue in your marriage? Have you ever actually spoken to your wife about it if? If so, has she ever attempted to address the issue? Been to the doctor? Attended counselling? Have you been to counselling together about this? If the answer to all those questions isn't already "Yes" then you need to get the finger out and start dealing with this.

If you have, hand on heart, made every effort possible to sort this issue out and nothing has changed then you need to leave the marriage, imo. Sexless marriages *can* work, when both parties are ok with the situation but this clearly isn't the case with you.

In the meantime, forget about this colleague. Literally no good can come of it.

Mongfinder General

Dial Hard wrote: »

This is terrible advice. The courts take an extremely dim view of people attempting to hide assets in a divorce and believe me, they are well aware of all the tricks people use to do it.

OP, you need to separate the two issues here. The real problem is your marriage and I suspect this infatuation with your colleague is just a symptom of that. How long has sex been an issue in your marriage? Have you ever actually spoken to your wife about it if? If so, has she ever attempted to address the issue? Been to the doctor? Attended counselling? Have you been to counselling together about this? If the answer to all those questions isn't already "Yes" then you need to get the finger out and start dealing with this.

If you have, hand on heart, made every effort possible to sort this issue out and nothing has changed then you need to leave the marriage, imo. Sexless marriages *can* work, when both parties are ok with the situation but this clearly isn't the case with you.

In the meantime, forget about this colleague. Literally no good can come of it.

Don’t mind the above post, it’s well intentioned but naive. Judges can only judge what they are presented with. Small amounts of money accumulate over time. And you have plenty of time to do what you think is best for all parties concerned. Do not put cash saved near a bank account. Get a lock box, find a place at work or elsewhere that’s safe and stash it away there. You need to provide fir the future and in my experience the judiciary in the family court will nail youvto the wall for years to come.

Malayalam

Davidious wrote: »

I'm 36 and married for 12 years, i have a 7 year old boy, i love my wife, i also love a co-worker who is 21 and she is driving me wild thinking about her. As far as she knows we are just co-workers. I'm scared to tell her incase it ruins our friendship and all the stuff that comes after. my marriage is non sexual ( theres no intamacy at all ) , i need advice

You don't "love" your 21 year old co-worker. Sure you probably hardly know the girl. You are fantasising to deal with your longing for sex. That longing is perfectly natural so there's no need to block it out with futile fantasy. Talk to your wife, tell her you need physical intimacy, if she refuses to work constructively at this important aspect of marriage then say you want a cordial divorce or the freedom to see to your sexual needs outside the marriage. And leave the poor office girl out of it, life at her age is complicated enough without dealing with your energy too.

Dial Hard

Mongfinder General wrote:

Don’t mind the above post, it’s well intentioned but naive. Judges can only judge what they are presented with. Small amounts of money accumulate over time. And you have plenty of time to do what you think is best for all parties concerned. Do not put cash saved near a bank account. Get a lock box, find a place at work or elsewhere that’s safe and stash it away there. You need to provide fir the future and in my experience the judiciary in the family court will nail youvto the wall for years to come.

It doesn't matter where he puts the money, his affidavit of means will need to forensically account for where every penny of his income goes and if there's a couple of hundred unaccounted for every month, believe me either the judge or the opposing solicitor will notice and question it. Call me naive all you want but the courts aren't, they see this kind of carry on every single day. Unless the OP has a completely off-the-grid source of income that not even his wife knows about, this is a non-runner.

TheBoyConor

Op, don't even think about dating anything to the 21 year old girl. Leave her alone. You're gonna come across as an absolute creepy pervert as a married man lusting after a girl 15 years younger.
You have nothing in common with her and you can be well sure she'd want nothing to do with you. She should be out having fun with guys and girls her own age, not getting into affairs with frustrated middle aged men in miserable marriages. Just leave her alone for god's sake.

And for squirrelling away money, you could just be taking 20 or 40 or whatever out of an ATM at a time and stashing it, or investing it in something saleable like gold.
If anyone asks where all those the 20s and 40s are being spent, just say drink, smoke or gamble it. Who is gonna prove otherwise?

Mongfinder General

Dial Hard wrote: »

It doesn't matter where he puts the money, his affidavit of means will need to forensically account for where every penny of his income goes and if there's a couple of hundred unaccounted for every month, believe me either the judge or the opposing solicitor will notice and question it. Call me naive all you want but the courts aren't, they see this kind of carry on every single day. Unless the OP has a completely off-the-grid source of income that not even his wife knows about, this is a non-runner.

He visits the pub at least twice a week. 6 or 7 pints and a take away on the way home. About €100 a week. Uses cash withdrawn from an ATM, never pays with a debit or credit card. Except he’s not doing this. He’s having one or two pints and pocketing the rest. Those chimps up in Dolphin House won’t work this out even if they could get a full discovery order.

TheBoyConor

Imagine how much money op could stash of his story was that he would have 45 pints a day, a pack of crips or peanuts and then probably ten pints more. Followed by a fry.

Dial Hard

TheBoyConor wrote:

Imagine how much money op could stash of his story was that he would have 45 pints a day, a pack of crips or peanuts and then probably ten pints more. Followed by a fry.

Unless he *actually* goes and spends a significant amount of time hiding outside of the house several times a week, his wife is going to put an arrow through any claim of a significant spend on socialising listed on his AoM in about two seconds flat.

All of this talk is wildly by-the-by anyway. The OP needs to be working out if and how he can fix his marriage, not how he can hide money from his wife.

Ann84

When I was in my early twenties, a married man in his early thirties made a pass at me on a work night out - his wife was pregnant at the time.
I’ll never forget it - he said “don’t you feel the spark between us, you know it’s real”

Well there was no spark, I literally had no idea what he was on about, in fact I was absolutely horrified, it was so embarrassing - I was embarrassed for him, I thought it was the saddest most pathetic thing ever that a man 10 years older than me with a child on the way was making a pass at me.
It was completely awkward in work, I was terrified he was going to concoct some twisted story to blame me for what happened because I rejected him but he never said a word to anyone in the end.
It was awful for a long time, I was young and new in the company - his behavior altered my view of all my senior male colleagues and years later I still work in the same company and I still think he’s pathetic!
He is always putting rosy happy pictures all over social media of his happy family life and I always roll my eyes and just think of what a sad fake b*stard he really is... I am sure I’m not the only person he ever hit on.

Anyway, moral of the story - sort out your marriage or end it - don’t freak your very young colleague out by being a pathetic b*stard, you will be putting her in a really awkward situation as you are a married man and most likely more senior than her - if you “love” her, don’t do that to her.

PS - your poor wife

TheBoyConor

OP. Take heed of Ann's post.
If you make a pass at the girl you're going to look like a pathetic sad act like the guy who tried similar shenanigans with poor Ann.

If you try chat her up she'll end up thinking of you like this. And you know what then? She'll tell all her work friends about it and they will all be laughing at how sad and slimey you are. and you'll have a reputation for being a randy aul sleazeball for years.

eviltwin

Don't fcuk up your job as well as your marriage by saying anything to your colleague. It might just be misconstrued as harassment given the age difference, I imagine you are her superior as well.

LegacyUser

OP - you’re deluded.

What on earth makes you think that a 21 year old woman would be interested in entering into a relationship or affair with a married 36 year old father?

Surely most 21 year olds would choose an unattached man closer to her in age? What have you to offer her, apart from being stuck in the middle of a potentially messy separation.

Talk things over with your wife before you consider embarking on an affair or new relationship. It might be in your interest to find out why your wife is no longer interested in having sex with you.

Big Bag of Chips

Mongfinder General wrote: »

He visits the pub at least twice a week. 6 or 7 pints and a take away on the way home. About €100 a week.

Instead of going to the pub "at least twice a week" and pretending to spend €100, he could try something crazy like, working on his marriage with his wife, who he claims to still love.

OP, don't end up a cliche. Most marriages go through a bit of a slump. Real life takes over, ferrying children around becomes a priority and can often lead to both partners neglecting their relationship, and each other. You say you love your wife, so would you be planning on leaving her and your children for this 21 year old? Or would you hope to keep both women on the go?

If you really think that you and the 21 year old have something worth exploring, then do it right and end your marriage first. Anything else will mistake you a sad cliche who'll lose a lot of friends.

c.p.w.g.w

Dial Hard wrote: »

It doesn't matter where he puts the money, his affidavit of means will need to forensically account for where every penny of his income goes and if there's a couple of hundred unaccounted for every month, believe me either the judge or the opposing solicitor will notice and question it. Call me naive all you want but the courts aren't, they see this kind of carry on every single day. Unless the OP has a completely off-the-grid source of income that not even his wife knows about, this is a non-runner.

Gambling, I like to put a few hundred on the ponys...

osarusan

The op is 36. Still young. If he's in an unhappy marriage, either try and fix it, or else end it.

Squirrelling away say €80 quid a week for the next 10 years, and then breaking up when he is 46, is just terrible advice.

Anyway, stay well away from the 21-year old that you acknowledge doesn't see you as anything other than a work acquaintance. I'd guess that your unrequited feelings are a symptom of the problems in your marriage. Don't drag the young girl into it.

OP, have you ever talked about the lack of intimacy with your wife? How long has it been going on? Can you remember how it started? Whould you say she is as miserable about it as you are? If that problem was resolved, would your relationship be basically back to the good old days, or are there other problems?

Oink

OP said he loves his wife. The amount of advice being given about to best lie to the woman he loves, and illegally squirrel money away like a 2-bit scumbag is frankly disturbing.

OP. Whenever I’m about to get something really drastic, I generally have that little voice at the back of my head that either says ‘it’s got to be done’, or ‘you utter fúcking moron, punch yourself in the face instead’. Let the hormones cool down, try counselling maybe. I hope you find the best way forward.

Just remember that you can never undo or unsay anything.

All the best.

orthsquel

I'd definitely leave your colleague alone and out of this OP. While I'm not 21, a lot of the lads at work older and younger than me are mostly in long term partnerships with kids or married with kids and I'd be fairly horrified if any of them turned around to me one day and declared romantic or sexual feelings for me... we have the craic, great chats, talk about all sorts, weekend and the missus and kids, the holidays of adventure and fun, and real world stuff too, a lot of trust built up and I'd feel all that would come tumbling down if that ever happened.

Talk with your wife and discuss the issue of the lack of sex in your marriage. If you can't find the time, make the time. Don't throw away 12 years of a marriage with someone you love over an issue that can be thrashed out and potentially fixed, over an infatuation with a colleague who may consider you one of the married lads at work, and a work friend.

Westernyelp

This is a wind up. Nobody is stupid enough to consider this; and think I'll just check boards first and make sure I'm doing the right thing.

They are playing out a fantasy here

professore

Ann84 wrote: »

He is always putting rosy happy pictures all over social media of his happy family life and I always roll my eyes and just think of what a sad fake b*stard he really is... I am sure I’m not the only person he ever hit on.

This is a huge red flag, male or female.

professore

Davidious wrote: »

I'm 36 and married for 12 years, i have a 7 year old boy, i love my wife, i also love a co-worker who is 21 and she is driving me wild thinking about her. As far as she knows we are just co-workers. I'm scared to tell her incase it ruins our friendship and all the stuff that comes after. my marriage is non sexual ( theres no intamacy at all ) , i need advice

Davidious wrote: »

i love my wife

No you don't. Read on to find out why.

Davidious wrote: »

i also love a co-worker who is 21

This is called LUST. Not love. I am not surprised you are madly lusting after a 21 year old, since you are not having any sex or intimacy with your wife - I would get turned on by the leg of a table in that scenario. If you are not having sex, for a lot of people this is the equivalent of zero intimacy. Cuddling etc makes it worse instead of better (I don't know if you do this either, but anyway).

I went through a period like this in my marriage - my wife decided sex was a service to be provided once a month and on anniversaries to "keep me happy" - and to all intents and purposes I gradually lost all connection, love and interest in my wife - what she failed to realise was what she was providing was the same as prostitute sex or masturbating - actually much worse as it was always the exact same and on her terms.

Needless to say I came very close to doing something I would have regretted forever with another woman where there was very strong feelings on both sides. She wasn't 21 though, she was closer to my age, younger and and sexier than my wife and we knew each other very well. We (really it was me - she didn't do anything until I did) managed to turn it around, as I referenced in another thread, by stopping being a wimp and going out, getting in shape and meeting people (woman above included).

You need to sort out your issues with your wife first. Maybe she's not attracted to you. Maybe she is genuinely asexual. Maybe she resents you for something you are doing wrong. Maybe she's in love with someone else. She probably won't tell you if you ask her, but ramble on about all sorts of irrelevant things and then push the blame back on you, so you might have to observe her carefully for a while, and ask "innocent" questions. Have you ever had a sexual time in your relationship? Early on you should be at it like rabbits. If you weren't then that's a big red flag for no desire, for you or in general.

If they are irreconcilable, then you need to divorce. Sex and intimacy is an essential element of a marriage, unless both are asexual, in which case it's not a marriage in any meaningful sense ... and is equally as bad as cheating - she is cheating you of affection. You may be cheating her of something else. You will come to resent her for ruining everything. Trust me I know. You have a 7 year old son in the mix so he needs a happy and stable environment or he will come to regard your relationship as the norm and replicate it in his own life.

TheBoyConor

Are ye married a long time? Perhaps your wife is not longer interested in you physically or finding you attractive?
Take a look at yourself in the mirror? At 36 if you are not taking good care or yourself you could start to look awful.

Are you out of shape or overweight? Maybe get to the gym and take up personal training with a nutrition plan to lose fat and pack on some serious muscle.

If you are in a fixed rut with your clothes as in just wearing ugly dad jeans and regular fit shirts then go shopping with a friend and get some good quality and smart looking clothes.

Get yourself a smart haircut and have your teeth straightened or at least cleaned and whitened.

Cork Lass

I’m surprised at the amount of people advising that the op financially screw over his wife. Why would any decent person want to do this? She’s very likely an innocent party in all of this, we have no idea of why the marriage is sexless. The op seems more interested in a fling with a 21 year old than in sorting out his marriage. And don’t forget that there’s a child involved, financially screwing over the wife will likely have an affect on the poor child too.

TheBoyConor

We're not saying he should screw over his wife. We are saying he should protect himself against being screwed over by his wife by putting aside a war chest of money to keep him going when he finds himself at the mercy of a family law and divorce set up that is totally biased against men and in favour of women.

Big Bag of Chips

Can all posters please stick to offering advice to the OP. And stop advising on hypothetical situations.

Big Bag of Chips

professore wrote: »

Maybe she's in love with someone else. She probably won't tell you if you ask her, but ramble on about all sorts of irrelevant things and then push the blame back on you, so you might have to observe her carefully for a while, and ask "innocent" questions.

You are making all sorts of assumptions based on very little.

A marriage shouldn't be a strategy game where you "observe" someone's movements, and try catch them out on questioning. OP, communication, or lack of, is usually the biggest issue in relationships that are going stale. Settling in to a rut and neglecting each other. There's nothing wrong with thinking the 21 year old girl in the office is gorgeous. You're probably not the only man there to think that. We don't stop finding other people attractive simply because we are in a relationship. But committing to a marriage and having children is supposed to be what keeps you from acting on these feelings. There will always be someone better looking and sexier than your wife. Equally there will always be someone better looking and sexier than you.

If you love your wife, sort out your marriage, not by pretending to go to the pub, and "observing" her from afar. Talk to her. Discuss your concerns, you know, like adults.

Cumulus96

Stay away from women in work, don't mix business and pleasure.

Let your wife know that sex is vital to your well being, if she doesn't wanr to have sex that's fine. But you'll be looking elsewhere for sex in that case.

professore

You’reNot21 wrote: »

What on earth makes you think that a 21 year old woman would be interested in entering into a relationship or affair with a married 36 year old father?

Surely most 21 year olds would choose an unattached man closer to her in age? What have you to offer her, apart from being stuck in the middle of a potentially messy separation

Not agreeing with the OP here but I've seen plenty of relationships where I've scratched my head. And it wasn't money that was the attraction.