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David

LegacyUser

I'm 36 and married for 12 years, i have a 7 year old boy, i love my wife, i also love a co-worker who is 21 and she is driving me wild thinking about her. As far as she knows we are just co-workers. I'm scared to tell her incase it ruins our friendship and all the stuff that comes after. my marriage is non sexual ( theres no intamacy at all ) , i need advice

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up for anything

TheBoyConor wrote: »

We're not saying he should screw over his wife. We are saying he should protect himself against being screwed over by his wife by putting aside a war chest of money to keep him going when he finds himself at the mercy of a family law and divorce set up that is totally biased against men and in favour of women.

OP, don't take advice like the above. I can show you an FB page where there are hundreds of Irish single mothers with custody of their children a good proportion of whom are owed tens of thousands in unpaid maintenance over years. They can probably give you better tips on how to protect yourself against being screwed over by your wife and child if you separate than the Boy Conor above can give you from what seems to be an embittered ex husband/boyfriend viewpoint.

The first thing to do is be honest with yourself about why you and your wife no longer have sex. Think about it. I'm sure you know. Most people do deep down, they just don't want to admit it. Perhaps you could ask her what her reasons are. I'd say top of the list is probably boredom. The newness, excitement and fun may have gone out of the sex, erased by familiarity, monotony and tiredness and perhaps you no longer make an effort to make her feel like she matters especially because you're distracted by this other newer and more exciting love. Perhaps you were just going through the motions with her. Perhaps she was just lying back and thinking of England or what shopping was needed or whether it was going to be the same old sexual routine whether she instigated or you did. Or maybe she could feel you pulling away emotionally as you fell in second love with the girl in your office. You're the only one who knows how you felt and you're not going to find out how she feels unless you ask her non-confrontationally.

The problem with sex in a long-term relationship is that it does get a bit boring especially if she's not orgasming. I'm not sure how couples overcome that. There is only so much dress-up, sex toys, erotic fiction/porn, role-play or spice one can add before that too becomes a bit tedious. I know that's not very helpful and I'm sure there are people here who know the secret. But all that starts with open, honest and calm communication. Good luck with it.

LolaJJ

When I was 25 a 40 year old man (married father of 3) became a little besotted with me. I found it incredibly flattering and exciting and confessed my love after just a few weeks following flowers and 5 star hotels and all kinds of fun things. He left his wife we moved in together......6 months later we broke up because I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship that was so settled and serious

OP This 21 year old girl isn't gonna be on the same page as you. Even if she thinks she is. You're playing with fire.

Curious Scot

Cumulus96 wrote: »

Stay away from women in work, don't mix business and pleasure.

Let your wife know that sex is vital to your well being, if she doesn't wanr to have sex that's fine. But you'll be looking elsewhere for sex in that case.

All I want to say that it's all very fine looking for and getting sex elsewhere, but be prepared to suffer the consequences if you do it without your wife's knowing about it and finding out about it later! If you feel you really want to go down that road, say so to your wife. A (strictly) friends with benefits arrangement might be an option for you. Personally, I would have no problem with such an arrangement.
Good luck to both of you, whatever happens.

Bootlegger

Youâ€™reNot21 wrote: »

OP - you’re deluded.

What on earth makes you think that a 21 year old woman would be interested in entering into a relationship or affair with a married 36 year old father?

Surely most 21 year olds would choose an unattached man closer to her in age? What have you to offer her, apart from being stuck in the middle of a potentially

You'd be surprised. I've known men in their 40s to have gfs in their 20s. Granted these guys were good looking and had psychopathic levels of charm.

Still if an older man is high status then he can definitely attract much younger women.

GingerLily

This has nothing to do with men in their thirties dating women in their twenties, it's not particular helpful to the OP to bother going down that road.

Theres no reason to think this particular girl has any interest in him, and further more, it really is the smaller issue.

He LOVES his wife, so his priority has it be to to her and of course his son. He truly needs a kick up the ass to make him realise what he is risking by lusting after his 21 yo colleague!

TheBoyConor

My God are you for real man?

Now maybe, maybe, if he was single & unmarried and didn't have a young child there might possibly be a chance that she could reciprocate the interest if they had common interests and we're compatible etc. The age difference of 15 years would go against it but it's not unheard of either.

However, that's not the case. He is married with a child and has a tied down family life. What's more his marriage is miserable and hanging on by a thread.

Their lives are poles apart and they couldn't be more different or have less in common. She is a young, carefree single girl of 21 and if he gave a crap about her welfare he wouldn't be entertaining thoughts of saddling her with his emotional baggage from his miserable midlife marriage crises.

For god's sake, just leave the poor girl alone op.

ConnyMcDavid

Reads to me like you want your work colleague to accidentally see this thread and put 2 and 2 together with the name.

You shouldn't tell her how you feel. Things will eventually fall into place if there is a real thing between you too. If you are as crazy about her as you say chances are she already knows through your body language. I wouldnt cut her off though, it could make it more awkward. Just try to keep the friendship respectful.

There are so much naivity on here regarding if a 21 year old girl would be interested in a 36 year old married man. Of course they could.

I would say go for it if you didn't have a 7 year old boy who is forgotten about in the debate. You should try to work things out for his sake only.

professore

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You are making all sorts of assumptions based on very little.

A marriage shouldn't be a strategy game where you "observe" someone's movements, and try catch them out on questioning. OP, communication, or lack of, is usually the biggest issue in relationships that are going stale. Settling in to a rut and neglecting each other. There's nothing wrong with thinking the 21 year old girl in the office is gorgeous. You're probably not the only man there to think that. We don't stop finding other people attractive simply because we are in a relationship. But committing to a marriage and having children is supposed to be what keeps you from acting on these feelings. There will always be someone better looking and sexier than your wife. Equally there will always be someone better looking and sexier than you.

If you love your wife, sort out your marriage, not by pretending to go to the pub, and "observing" her from afar. Talk to her. Discuss your concerns, you know, like adults.

I was offering possibilities rather than making assumptions.

I see now I was unclear on the observing her. I didn't mean to observe her as the default position, I just meant if she is unwilling to communicate properly or things she is saying don't add up THEN you need to do this. Of course talking is the first option.

professore

Youâ€™reNot21 wrote: »

What on earth makes you think that a 21 year old woman would be interested in entering into a relationship or affair with a married 36 year old father?

Surely most 21 year olds would choose an unattached man closer to her in age? What have you to offer her, apart from being stuck in the middle of a potentially messy separation

Not agreeing with the OP here but I've seen plenty of relationships where I've scratched my head. And it wasn't money that was the attraction.

Cumulus96

Stay away from women in work, don't mix business and pleasure.

Let your wife know that sex is vital to your well being, if she doesn't wanr to have sex that's fine. But you'll be looking elsewhere for sex in that case.

Big Bag of Chips

professore wrote: »

Maybe she's in love with someone else. She probably won't tell you if you ask her, but ramble on about all sorts of irrelevant things and then push the blame back on you, so you might have to observe her carefully for a while, and ask "innocent" questions.

You are making all sorts of assumptions based on very little.

A marriage shouldn't be a strategy game where you "observe" someone's movements, and try catch them out on questioning. OP, communication, or lack of, is usually the biggest issue in relationships that are going stale. Settling in to a rut and neglecting each other. There's nothing wrong with thinking the 21 year old girl in the office is gorgeous. You're probably not the only man there to think that. We don't stop finding other people attractive simply because we are in a relationship. But committing to a marriage and having children is supposed to be what keeps you from acting on these feelings. There will always be someone better looking and sexier than your wife. Equally there will always be someone better looking and sexier than you.

If you love your wife, sort out your marriage, not by pretending to go to the pub, and "observing" her from afar. Talk to her. Discuss your concerns, you know, like adults.

Big Bag of Chips

Can all posters please stick to offering advice to the OP. And stop advising on hypothetical situations.

TheBoyConor

We're not saying he should screw over his wife. We are saying he should protect himself against being screwed over by his wife by putting aside a war chest of money to keep him going when he finds himself at the mercy of a family law and divorce set up that is totally biased against men and in favour of women.

Cork Lass

I’m surprised at the amount of people advising that the op financially screw over his wife. Why would any decent person want to do this? She’s very likely an innocent party in all of this, we have no idea of why the marriage is sexless. The op seems more interested in a fling with a 21 year old than in sorting out his marriage. And don’t forget that there’s a child involved, financially screwing over the wife will likely have an affect on the poor child too.

TheBoyConor

Are ye married a long time? Perhaps your wife is not longer interested in you physically or finding you attractive?
Take a look at yourself in the mirror? At 36 if you are not taking good care or yourself you could start to look awful.

Are you out of shape or overweight? Maybe get to the gym and take up personal training with a nutrition plan to lose fat and pack on some serious muscle.

If you are in a fixed rut with your clothes as in just wearing ugly dad jeans and regular fit shirts then go shopping with a friend and get some good quality and smart looking clothes.

Get yourself a smart haircut and have your teeth straightened or at least cleaned and whitened.

professore

Davidious wrote: »

I'm 36 and married for 12 years, i have a 7 year old boy, i love my wife, i also love a co-worker who is 21 and she is driving me wild thinking about her. As far as she knows we are just co-workers. I'm scared to tell her incase it ruins our friendship and all the stuff that comes after. my marriage is non sexual ( theres no intamacy at all ) , i need advice

Davidious wrote: »

i love my wife

No you don't. Read on to find out why.

Davidious wrote: »

i also love a co-worker who is 21

This is called LUST. Not love. I am not surprised you are madly lusting after a 21 year old, since you are not having any sex or intimacy with your wife - I would get turned on by the leg of a table in that scenario. If you are not having sex, for a lot of people this is the equivalent of zero intimacy. Cuddling etc makes it worse instead of better (I don't know if you do this either, but anyway).

I went through a period like this in my marriage - my wife decided sex was a service to be provided once a month and on anniversaries to "keep me happy" - and to all intents and purposes I gradually lost all connection, love and interest in my wife - what she failed to realise was what she was providing was the same as prostitute sex or masturbating - actually much worse as it was always the exact same and on her terms.

Needless to say I came very close to doing something I would have regretted forever with another woman where there was very strong feelings on both sides. She wasn't 21 though, she was closer to my age, younger and and sexier than my wife and we knew each other very well. We (really it was me - she didn't do anything until I did) managed to turn it around, as I referenced in another thread, by stopping being a wimp and going out, getting in shape and meeting people (woman above included).

You need to sort out your issues with your wife first. Maybe she's not attracted to you. Maybe she is genuinely asexual. Maybe she resents you for something you are doing wrong. Maybe she's in love with someone else. She probably won't tell you if you ask her, but ramble on about all sorts of irrelevant things and then push the blame back on you, so you might have to observe her carefully for a while, and ask "innocent" questions. Have you ever had a sexual time in your relationship? Early on you should be at it like rabbits. If you weren't then that's a big red flag for no desire, for you or in general.

If they are irreconcilable, then you need to divorce. Sex and intimacy is an essential element of a marriage, unless both are asexual, in which case it's not a marriage in any meaningful sense ... and is equally as bad as cheating - she is cheating you of affection. You may be cheating her of something else. You will come to resent her for ruining everything. Trust me I know. You have a 7 year old son in the mix so he needs a happy and stable environment or he will come to regard your relationship as the norm and replicate it in his own life.

professore

Ann84 wrote: »

He is always putting rosy happy pictures all over social media of his happy family life and I always roll my eyes and just think of what a sad fake b*stard he really is... I am sure I’m not the only person he ever hit on.

This is a huge red flag, male or female.

Westernyelp

This is a wind up. Nobody is stupid enough to consider this; and think I'll just check boards first and make sure I'm doing the right thing.

They are playing out a fantasy here

orthsquel

I'd definitely leave your colleague alone and out of this OP. While I'm not 21, a lot of the lads at work older and younger than me are mostly in long term partnerships with kids or married with kids and I'd be fairly horrified if any of them turned around to me one day and declared romantic or sexual feelings for me... we have the craic, great chats, talk about all sorts, weekend and the missus and kids, the holidays of adventure and fun, and real world stuff too, a lot of trust built up and I'd feel all that would come tumbling down if that ever happened.

Talk with your wife and discuss the issue of the lack of sex in your marriage. If you can't find the time, make the time. Don't throw away 12 years of a marriage with someone you love over an issue that can be thrashed out and potentially fixed, over an infatuation with a colleague who may consider you one of the married lads at work, and a work friend.

Oink

OP said he loves his wife. The amount of advice being given about to best lie to the woman he loves, and illegally squirrel money away like a 2-bit scumbag is frankly disturbing.

OP. Whenever I’m about to get something really drastic, I generally have that little voice at the back of my head that either says ‘it’s got to be done’, or ‘you utter fúcking moron, punch yourself in the face instead’. Let the hormones cool down, try counselling maybe. I hope you find the best way forward.

Just remember that you can never undo or unsay anything.

All the best.

osarusan

The op is 36. Still young. If he's in an unhappy marriage, either try and fix it, or else end it.

Squirrelling away say €80 quid a week for the next 10 years, and then breaking up when he is 46, is just terrible advice.

Anyway, stay well away from the 21-year old that you acknowledge doesn't see you as anything other than a work acquaintance. I'd guess that your unrequited feelings are a symptom of the problems in your marriage. Don't drag the young girl into it.

OP, have you ever talked about the lack of intimacy with your wife? How long has it been going on? Can you remember how it started? Whould you say she is as miserable about it as you are? If that problem was resolved, would your relationship be basically back to the good old days, or are there other problems?

c.p.w.g.w

Dial Hard wrote: »

It doesn't matter where he puts the money, his affidavit of means will need to forensically account for where every penny of his income goes and if there's a couple of hundred unaccounted for every month, believe me either the judge or the opposing solicitor will notice and question it. Call me naive all you want but the courts aren't, they see this kind of carry on every single day. Unless the OP has a completely off-the-grid source of income that not even his wife knows about, this is a non-runner.

Gambling, I like to put a few hundred on the ponys...

Big Bag of Chips

Mongfinder General wrote: »

He visits the pub at least twice a week. 6 or 7 pints and a take away on the way home. About €100 a week.

Instead of going to the pub "at least twice a week" and pretending to spend €100, he could try something crazy like, working on his marriage with his wife, who he claims to still love.

OP, don't end up a cliche. Most marriages go through a bit of a slump. Real life takes over, ferrying children around becomes a priority and can often lead to both partners neglecting their relationship, and each other. You say you love your wife, so would you be planning on leaving her and your children for this 21 year old? Or would you hope to keep both women on the go?

If you really think that you and the 21 year old have something worth exploring, then do it right and end your marriage first. Anything else will mistake you a sad cliche who'll lose a lot of friends.

LegacyUser

OP - you’re deluded.

What on earth makes you think that a 21 year old woman would be interested in entering into a relationship or affair with a married 36 year old father?

Surely most 21 year olds would choose an unattached man closer to her in age? What have you to offer her, apart from being stuck in the middle of a potentially messy separation.

Talk things over with your wife before you consider embarking on an affair or new relationship. It might be in your interest to find out why your wife is no longer interested in having sex with you.

eviltwin

Don't fcuk up your job as well as your marriage by saying anything to your colleague. It might just be misconstrued as harassment given the age difference, I imagine you are her superior as well.

TheBoyConor

OP. Take heed of Ann's post.
If you make a pass at the girl you're going to look like a pathetic sad act like the guy who tried similar shenanigans with poor Ann.

If you try chat her up she'll end up thinking of you like this. And you know what then? She'll tell all her work friends about it and they will all be laughing at how sad and slimey you are. and you'll have a reputation for being a randy aul sleazeball for years.

Ann84

When I was in my early twenties, a married man in his early thirties made a pass at me on a work night out - his wife was pregnant at the time.
I’ll never forget it - he said “don’t you feel the spark between us, you know it’s real”

Well there was no spark, I literally had no idea what he was on about, in fact I was absolutely horrified, it was so embarrassing - I was embarrassed for him, I thought it was the saddest most pathetic thing ever that a man 10 years older than me with a child on the way was making a pass at me.
It was completely awkward in work, I was terrified he was going to concoct some twisted story to blame me for what happened because I rejected him but he never said a word to anyone in the end.
It was awful for a long time, I was young and new in the company - his behavior altered my view of all my senior male colleagues and years later I still work in the same company and I still think he’s pathetic!
He is always putting rosy happy pictures all over social media of his happy family life and I always roll my eyes and just think of what a sad fake b*stard he really is... I am sure I’m not the only person he ever hit on.

Anyway, moral of the story - sort out your marriage or end it - don’t freak your very young colleague out by being a pathetic b*stard, you will be putting her in a really awkward situation as you are a married man and most likely more senior than her - if you “love” her, don’t do that to her.

PS - your poor wife

Dial Hard

TheBoyConor wrote:

Imagine how much money op could stash of his story was that he would have 45 pints a day, a pack of crips or peanuts and then probably ten pints more. Followed by a fry.

Unless he *actually* goes and spends a significant amount of time hiding outside of the house several times a week, his wife is going to put an arrow through any claim of a significant spend on socialising listed on his AoM in about two seconds flat.

All of this talk is wildly by-the-by anyway. The OP needs to be working out if and how he can fix his marriage, not how he can hide money from his wife.

TheBoyConor

Imagine how much money op could stash of his story was that he would have 45 pints a day, a pack of crips or peanuts and then probably ten pints more. Followed by a fry.

Mongfinder General

Dial Hard wrote: »

It doesn't matter where he puts the money, his affidavit of means will need to forensically account for where every penny of his income goes and if there's a couple of hundred unaccounted for every month, believe me either the judge or the opposing solicitor will notice and question it. Call me naive all you want but the courts aren't, they see this kind of carry on every single day. Unless the OP has a completely off-the-grid source of income that not even his wife knows about, this is a non-runner.

He visits the pub at least twice a week. 6 or 7 pints and a take away on the way home. About €100 a week. Uses cash withdrawn from an ATM, never pays with a debit or credit card. Except he’s not doing this. He’s having one or two pints and pocketing the rest. Those chimps up in Dolphin House won’t work this out even if they could get a full discovery order.