Women who are "not maternal" having kids

sightband

Taytoland wrote: »

Kids from like 3-6 months are a nightmare, only enjoyable when they develop some character and little traits. It's as good as owning a baby doll when they are just out of the womb.

You don’t have kids. Mines four and he’s a f*ckin nightmare now and it grows day by day. 3-6 months he just slept all day,

Dunno how many of these threads I’ve read on boards and journal articles. Ad nauseam you’ve the bragging mid forties executive female ceo of some multinational whose eggs have long since dried and shrivelled up yet she’s hell bent on letting us know how life is perfect with travel and money and then on the other hand you’ve the ex full time mad bastard borderline alcoholic male of the same age group bragging about how his life has been transformed since fatherhood and he is now completely content with being a fat lad who eats take aways and watches netflix and sky sports between trips to the playground. Boring as f*ck listening to both of them.

There’s pros and cons to both, it’s as simple as that.

notsoyoungwan

Agricola wrote: »

But something which hasn't been mentioned here very much is that kids are an insurance policy against loneliness and other hardships in old age.

Far from it, actually. I work with the elderly and see so many people who don’t see or hear from their (adult) kids from one end of the year to the next. There’s no guarantee whatsoever that the kids will stick around- they might head off to Australia and settle there, or they may be around but not be dependable in any shape or form. Loneliness is a big problem for many elderly people, even if they have families.

Plus, having kids so that you won’t be lonely in your old age, and putting the expectation on the kids that they’ll stick around to be that support is incredibly selfish.

DEFTLEFTHAND

I suppose having one changes everything. Same thing for men.

I wouldn't have viewed myself as being paternal in any shape or form before having a kid. Now I couldn't imagine not being a father.

BuboBubo

....... wrote: »

A (maternal) friend of mine forced her child to kiss me good bye before and he had snot dripping off and all over his upper lip.

I didnt have the heart to refuse so I allowed him to kiss me and when I drove off I stopped round the corner and vomited out the car door.

I never told her. But I think it damaged me.

Nooo, you should have used the "oops I need the loo, gotta run - bye bye" excuse.

A sticky small kid once put it's sticky hand into a bag of Haribo and plonked one on the kitchen table in front of me (a particularly drooly sticky child, bless it) It's mother coooed "oooh you're lucky he never gives anyone his sweets". Bleurgh! Did the mother really think I'd eat that... seriously. Or the ones who make fairy cakes - "ooh the kids helped" nope nope nope... bleugh!

I'm not maternal.

I don't have kids, nor should I!

spookwoman

BuboBubo wrote: »

Nooo, you should have used the "oops I need the loo, gotta run - bye bye" excuse.

A sticky small kid once put it's sticky hand into a bag of Haribo and plonked one on the kitchen table in front of me (a particularly drooly sticky child, bless it) It's mother coooed "oooh you're lucky he never gives anyone his sweets". Bleurgh! Did the mother really think I'd eat that... seriously. Or the ones who make fairy cakes - "ooh the kids helped" nope nope nope... bleugh!

I'm not maternal.

I don't have kids, nor should I!

I remember my mother babysitting a friends kid and he sh*t its nappy. She had to call the neighbour in to change it becuase every time she went near him and got the smell she started to throw up lol. I'd be the same I'd start retching if some kid handed me a sweet with sticky snotty hands. Not 1 bit maternal here

meeeeh

I decided to have kids just to increase the quality of general population. It's a gift to the humanity. Being maternal is irrelevant.

DaeryssaOne

Agricola wrote: »

But something which hasn't been mentioned here very much is that kids are an insurance policy against loneliness and other hardships in old age.

That is such an incredibly selfish reason to have kids especially if you don’t particularly want them in the first place. Why put yourself through 20 years of something you never really wanted on the off chance they’ll provide some decent company when you’re older?!

wexie

professore wrote: »

At least for a man who isn't paternal he doesn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy etc and often will do it for his wife's sake because she wants kids.

Neither do women if they've enough cash, distant relative 'bought' (surrogacy) 3 kids in the US. Never mind 'too posh to push' with the right funding you can be 'too push to have to do it the icky way like the plebs'.

There's 3 kids that are going to make a psychologist very wealthy

professore

....... wrote: »

Agreed.

I see far more men who had no interest in children having them and being quite miserable disinterested fathers - for the first few years anyway.

I think most men have to fake interest in the baby stage. I had to personally. I had a vague idea I wanted kids some day. It was my wife who really wanted kids, and she is maternal.

It all changed for me when they start to develop personalities.

There are also men who are forced into a marriage by societal pressures "make an honest woman of her" or become accidental fathers as a result of a one night stand. It's not very surprising these men often don't make very good fathers.

andekwarhola

Being 'not maternal' (add 'population' for double score) is one of those cliches bandied around boards by twenty somethings until they drop sprogs themselves and then descend on smacking threads and the parents forum in a moralistic mass.

professore

denismc wrote: »

While I can understand people not wanting kids, I don't get people that say they hate children.
Children are people like everyone else, o.k they scream and shout and poop in their pants but they really can't help this.
To say you hate or dislike children suggests a lack of empathy to me, we were all kids once!

It very much depends on the children. Some are horrible little ****s who mostly grow up to be horrible adults. Some are great. And everything in between. Like adults!

LirW

professore wrote: »

It very much depends on the children. Some are horrible little ****s who mostly grow up to be horrible adults. Some are great. And everything in between. Like adults!

Also their parental background is not necessarily saying anything on how they'll turn out. There are children of some really rough backgrounds that are absolute pearls and then there are kids from very motivated parents that turn out to be psychopaths.

Corb_lund

DaeryssaOne wrote: »

That is such an incredibly selfish reason to have kids especially if you don’t particularly want them in the first place. Why put yourself through 20 years of something you never really wanted on the off chance they’ll provide some decent company when you’re older?!

Not really? Its a fair exchange as far as I see it. My parents had me and raised me well and gave me a decent start (which I've all but squandered ). They are great people and off course I'd support them when they need it and happily call them friends as well as family.

To be honest the more I've travelled and the older I get, the more I'm seeing the real selfishness is the individualistic approach so many are taking.

Not a lot of people to life without family..

LirW

Corb_lund wrote: »

Not really? Its a fair exchange as far as I see it. My parents had me and raised me well and gave me a decent start (which I've all but squandered ). They are great people and off course I'd support them when they need it and happily call them friends as well as family.

To be honest the more I've travelled and the older I get, the more I'm seeing the real selfishness is the individualistic approach so many are taking.

Not a lot of people to life without family..

I think a big difference nowadays is that in a lot of families both are working because bills need to be paid. If a parent falls ill it is not possible for many to just stop working and caring for their parent sufficiently because they have to work and maybe care for their own children.
That was probably something that was a lot easier in the past.

Also take into account difficult family dynamics. When my great-grandmother's Alzheimer got bad, my grandmother (daughter-in-law) had to care for her because her husband was working. Now the thing is she got nothing but abuse for decades from that woman. It wrecked her mentally.

professore

Shenshen wrote: »

There's very few older people or people of a different background that would be as intrusive on total strangers as children would be. If older people were associated with wailing and crying, bumping into people on the streets or in supermarkets because they're not paying attention while running up and down and generally creating mess, I wouldn't be surprised at all if people announced that they didn't like them, either.
Or if we ever came across a different ethnicity that behaved in that way.

An old pair nearly knocked over my wife getting out of their seats at the end of a play last week. Just barged right through her. I find there are plenty of really rude pensioners who do stuff they would clatter kids for doing.

professore

[Deleted User] wrote: »

They are absolute sponges at that tiny age. In simple terms how they are parented then sets the map for later life.

Sponges in that they just lie there soaking wet unless you do something about it?

Das Reich

This kind of women is to be avoided like the plague. I was so lucky to find a wife material and family oriented woman after been with few of those women that doesn't want kids.

coffee_cake

Is a wife material like silk or cotton

Das Reich

bluewolf wrote: »

Is a wife material like silk or cotton

Its just an strange expression on the english language, I agree that english is weird and bizarre, hope soon Spanish would replace it as international language if more Msxicans move to USA.

professore

Elsa Tasty Season wrote: »

So you've seen this a lot? Beyond the one woman on another forum here whose thread you responded to angrily?

Bit easier to make the vague claims and generalistations on AH isn't it. I'm sure you know a bunch of non-maternal women who deliberately started families though, you're just not the kind of guy who makes "why are women so shít and annoying" threads at all at all.

That's not true. I hate judging people based on their group membership of any sort. That's not thr same as saying biology has no effect on how we think and our actions.

I didn't respond angrily to that woman, i was asking a question. If you state "I don't like cats" and have 6 of them then it's a legitimate question why you have them and if it's as fashion accesories. If the question offends you then it says more about you than the person asking the question. If instead of been offended she had answered the question honestly then she might have learned something about herself.

I know several women who are terrible with their kids. How terrible? One left her 6 month with us "for a few hours" and went partying for days. We were on the point of calling the Gardai when she rolled up as if nothing happened.

Another has a separate bathroom in the house just for her because she doesn't want her dirty kids going in the same bathroom and has drawings of her and the stepdad to her kids in various sex positions all over the house. The teenage kids have very little to eat a lot of the time.

Another had a party for her 14 year old daughter where she supplied them all with vodka and then had sex with a drunk 15 year old in front of her daughter. All have in common they say they aren't very maternal. No ****.

Is this most of the women I know? Certainly not. Most women are great with their kids, including my own wife. Since I can't have kids myself and per definition can't be maternal, I started this thread to try to work out the mindset that creates this situation. I feel bad for the kids.

meeeeh

Can someone explain to me what does maternal mean? I would like to know if I am maternal enough to have kids or should I send them back.

professore

professore wrote: »

That's not true. I hate judging people based on their group membership of any sort. That's not thr same as saying biology has no effect on how we think and our actions.

I didn't respond angrily to that woman, i was asking a question. If you state "I don't like cats" and have 6 of them then it's a legitimate question why you have them and if it's as fashion accesories. If the question offends you then it says more about you than the person asking the question. If instead of been offended she had answered the question honestly then she might have learned something about herself.

I know several women who are terrible with their kids. How terrible? One left her 6 month with us "for a few hours" and went partying for days. We were on the point of calling the Gardai when she rolled up as if nothing happened.

Another has a separate bathroom in the house just for her and has drawings of her and the stepdad to her kids in various sex positions all over the house. The teenage kids have very little to eat a lot of the time.

Another had a party for her 14 year old daughter where she supplied them all with vodka and then had sex with a drunk 15 year old in front of her daughter. All have in common they say they aren't very maternal. No ****.

Is this most of the women I know? Certainly not. Most women are great with their kids, including my own wife. Since I can't have kids myself and per definition can't be maternal, I started this thread to try to work out the mindset that creates this situation. I feel bad for the kids.

I may be over-stating things some what or also way off the mark given that I have no clue about the people you refer to but those examples seem like child protection issues to me

professore

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I may be over-stating things some what or also way off the mark given that I have no clue about the people you refer to but those examples seem like child protection issues to me

Electro bitch did ask. And you're right, in two of the cases tusla were involved. The third I don't know because I don't know the family very well and had to collect my daughter from the party luckily before the "main event" happened. Didn't make that mistake again of not meeting the parents first - they were from a well to do background so naively expected more.

meeeeh

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I may be over-stating things some what or also way off the mark given that I have no clue about the people you refer to but those examples seem like child protection issues to me

Yes. A decent person would report the child abuse not start a thread in AH.

professore

meeeeh wrote: »

Yes. A decent person would report the child abuse not start a thread in AH.

The child abuse has been reported. Smart ass making assumptions.

meeeeh

meeeeh wrote: »

Yes. A decent person would report the child abuse not start a thread in AH.

It seems he did. The thread is interesting for me because I don´t have children and like reading other peoples experiences and feelings around it. Thing is though meeeeh is that men can also very much be maternal. Not sure if that´s been mentioned

meeeeh

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It seems he did. The thread is interesting for me because I don´t have children and like reading other peoples experiences and feelings around it. Thing is though meeeeh is that men can also very much be maternal. Not sure if that´s been mentioned

What does maternal mean? I know of 'maternal' people who are excellent at screwing up their kids.

professore

meeeeh wrote: »

What does maternal mean? I know of 'maternal' people who are excellent at screwing up their kids.

maternal
məˈtəːn(ə)l/
adjective
relating to a mother, especially during pregnancy or shortly after childbirth.
"maternal care"
synonyms: on one's mother's side, on the distaff side
"his maternal grandparents"
(of feelings) typical of a caring mother; motherly.
"a mother who radiated maternal concern"
synonyms: motherly, maternalistic; More
related through the mother's side of the family.
"my maternal grandfather"

Yeah overly maternal mothers can royally screw up kids too. But thats a different discussion. Feel free to start another thread.

It´s an instinct, a sense of protection and nurturing that can be triggered in certain dynamics where you feel yourself being maternal towards another adult. Its not just related to children or the experience of women only. Then there is the paternal instinct which is associated with discipline, order and again can be found in both genders.
It is absolutely possible to cause damage to children by being overly maternal, as professore mentions. There is something called ´enmeshment´ which basically is where the mother and child are overly-attached and both lose their own identity and are extremely dependent upon each other.

BuboBubo

Yeah overly maternal mothers can royally screw up kids too. But thats a different discussion. Feel free to start another thread.[/quote]

The "My Johnny wouldn't do this, my Johnny didn't do that, my Johnny is a little 'angle' "
brigade.

Should have used a Johnny in the first place...