Have you repaired a sexless marriage and how and how not?

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Sex in my marriage has declined steadily since we had kids to the point now, 15 years on, that it is virtually non existent. Once every 3 months or so... but still on the decline. I'm the husband btw.

I would like to know if anyone has managed to repair a sexless situation in their marriage and if so, what did you do to turn things around?

I'm also interested to hear the experiences of people that didn't manage to turn it around.

I am very aware that lack of sex is a symptom of other more fundamental problems that need to be repaired but I don't want to get into the low level details - I am interested in trying to get a feel for what kinds of things people have done to try and turn things around.

Again, I would also like to hear about what doesn't/didn't work too.

Peatys

Very easy for bed to become a place to collapse into after work and getting kids sorted.

We thought we had issues, but turned out we just had two kids! A weekend away sans kids every couple of months quickly gets us back on track.

professore

For me what worked was getting in shape, getting my own hobbies, and getting to a point where I was attractive to other women. Added benefit was I had way more energy and was happier. To put it bluntly my wife knew I had options and stopped taking me for granted. The fact other women wanted me seemed to turn her on.

They say doing everything for your wife is supposed to work but I found it had the opposite effect. Then again people are different, so this may not work for you. I'd say try being the opposite of what you currently are in a good way, eg if you never help her round the house, start that. If you are a hopeless romantic dial it back etc.

This is assuming you've tried talking about it. I found that a waste of time too.

LegacyUser

Have you talked to your wife about the issue? Seems like the first place to start. How many kids do you? What ages are they? Do you both work? Do one or both of you have a long commute? Are weekend taken over by kids activities? How much kid free time do you get? Do you try to instigate and get rejected? It could be the sign of bigger relationship issues or it might just be something that's been pushed down the priority list due to having kids.

As Peatys says it could be as simple as a weekend away or setting a date night every week or two weeks to put that spark back in, you won't know unless you take to your partner. Maybe they feel the same but are worried to talk to you about, maybe they've not noticed as they are too swamped/overwhelmed, or maybe they've lost interest - communication is the answer.

.......

1 - Talk about it. Dont have it as an elephant in the room. Why are you not having sex with each other? Do you both want to? Are you both attracted to each other?

2 - GP, get bloods and hormone levels checked, perhaps one of you is suffering with a decreased libido because of natural changes in the body or hormonal contraception etc...

3 - Agree with the advice above on making the most of yourself. You both need to. Be critical with yourself, are you attractive, if you need to lose weight, lose it, if you need to tone up, join a gym, if you need to be better groomed - do it. Its very easy to slip into not making much of an effort physically. Something that can help this is having nice events to go to where you would make an effort to dress up. Doesnt have to be all the time, but you want to be getting dickied up to go somewhere nice now and again. It focuses the mind on how you look and how you look compared to other people. Date nights like this can then be used as opportunities to revive a bit of romance in the relationship.

nikkibikki

Make time for yourselves as a couple. Even if it's just date night at home. A Chinese takeaway and a bottle of wine. Alone. Get the kids a pizza or something and tell them to not disturb you unless someone is bleeding or unconscious. Try do this once a month. Schedule it in a calendar if you have to.

Definitely second a weekend away every so often. There are some great deals on pigsback/groupon/escapes.ie

Re-open the lines of communication. Be prepared to talk about where you feel your relationship is lacking and be prepared to hear that from her too. Be prepared to fix some things. Marriages and relationships need attention and effort to stay alive.

Ursus Horribilis

What was your sex life like before the kids came along? There have been many threads here from people (usually men, it has to be said) who are in sexless marriages. Often the warning signs were there from before they even got married.

Jenneke87

Going by personal experience women go off sex for a number of reasons:

1: They're no longer attracted to their partner, but afraid to say so. Sex with someone that doesn't excite you anymore feels you just feeling more and more repulsed every time it happens.

2: They don't enjoy the sex (and this a lot more common than you might think) but are afraid to tell their partners. A lot of times women don't orgasm and men don't take enough time for forplay. I can't recall the amount of times where he has his orgasm, but I didn't (again!) but was left with bleedings and infections for days afterwards. By the time they had stopped and cleared up he wanted to have sex again so the situation became that I was constantly in pain from satisfying his need for sex. If there is no reward for her in having sex, she'll avoid it like the plague. 

3: Some men hope that a woman's low sex drive will improve after they are married. I don't know where this thought comes from but it's usually the opposite. Some women don't care about sex. You need to find out if your wife is one of those. If she's really not interested then you'll have to come to an agreement as to how to move forward. It's perfectly okay not to want sex, but it's also not acceptable for her to force you into a life long celibacy.

I wish you both all the best.

TheBoyConor

Op of it was 15 years ago ye had kids then I think he are probably middle aged.
It's natural for the frequency of people having sex at middle age will decline..

And your wife is probably menopausal or near it so again, it's natural for sex life to decelerate or end. I know it might not be the modern or pc outlook on it but the hard reality of it is that after menopause, sex is something that is talked about in the past tense. Unfortunately that tends to be just the way it is.

dudara

@TheBoyConor - you’ve been warned before about your posting style. You’re giving “advice” of which you have no direct experience, and managing to offend a lot of people along the way. Please stick to advice based on your experience and don’t make generalisations.

dudara

LegacyUser

going anon for obvious reasons.
I had a similar situation to OP, in fact it is why I started lurking on this forum.

After our second child we went though a patch of very little sex -approx once a month, our youngest is now 5 and we have a fairly good sex life though that has slowly built up over the last 2 years. I will point out that it was a difficult pregnancy and she ended up in hospital various times during the pregnancy.

I left it for about 18 months, not wanting to be an overly pushy husband.

I tried talking to her about it and all she would so is cry (and not increase the frequency of sex). She even would give out to me for using porn, until I pointed out that she could not object unless she was giving me sex on a regular basis.

what worked was similar to @professores story, but as I am relatively fit and active, in my case my wife got into a sport (with my encouragement) got fit and lost weight and things improved, she also has friends through this sport, and similar to what @professore said one is female and single and I am suspicious her "observations" also helped the situation.

One thing I have learned through this is that women need to feel good to have sex and men need sex to feel good.

Op, I hope some of this is will help you - good luck

Sardonicat

improved wrote: »

After our second child we went though a patch of very little sex -approx once a month, our youngest is now 5 and we have a fairly good sex life though that has slowly built up over the last 2 years. I will point out that it was a difficult pregnancy and she ended up in hospital various times during the pregnancy.



I tried talking to her about it and all she would so is cry (and not increase the frequency of sex). She even would give out to me for using porn, until I pointed out that she could not object unless she was giving me sex on a regular basis.

So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

Cumulus96

Sardonicat wrote: »

So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

If she cried that means he's automarically in the wrong. QED

Cyclepath

Sardonicat wrote: »

So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

Although this possibly points at a dysfunctional sexual relationship, the absence of sex in a relationship affects people in different ways. You can go from a loving intimacy to resentment very quickly especially in the absence of discussion.

In my own experience, my ex wife simply went off sex. No explanations, no discussion, no difficult pregnancy. It became a negotiation, or a reward for good behaviour. Once you commodify sex like that, it's no surprise that the terminology changes from 'making love' to 'getting sex'

In my own experience, hitting the gym, losing a bit of weight, and losing interest in my wife, resulted in a surprising re-kindling of interest on her part. Unfortunately by the time it happened the damage was done. It's hard to repair years of hurt.

professore

Sardonicat wrote: »

So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

You have no idea of their dynamic. Some women will take everything as a personal criticism and cry immediately. Through experience you learn it doesn't mean anything. The porn criticism is telling too. That doesn't sound to me like OP is the controlling one in this relationship.

It's one thing to want sex on tap but quite another to have little to no sex - being reasonably sexually satisfied is not an unreasonable expectation for a marriage. Likewise unilaterally enforcing celibacy is just as bad as unilaterally enforcing sex.

It's also very possible she has post natal depression.

Cumulus96

Cyclepath wrote: »

Although this possibly points at a dysfunctional sexual relationship, the absence of sex in a relationship affects people in different ways. You can go from a loving intimacy to resentment very quickly especially in the absence of discussion.

In my own experience, my ex wife simply went off sex. No explanations, no discussion, no difficult pregnancy. It became a negotiation, or a reward for good behaviour. Once you commodify sex like that, it's no surprise that the terminology changes from 'making love' to 'getting sex'

In my own experience, hitting the gym, losing a bit of weight, and losing interest in my wife, resulted in a surprising re-kindling of interest on her part. Unfortunately by the time it happened the damage was done. It's hard to repair years of hurt.

Even when the interest was rekindled you'd still be questioning whether it was genuine interest or the fact she realises you have options with other women so she needs to increase the "reward" on offer for being a good boy.

LegacyUser

Sardonicat wrote: »

So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

I used the word "giving" in the context of using porn, not in the context of making love to my wife, I consider the two to be quite different. Though it is still probably a poor choice of words to use there. (I obviously did not use it in a conversation with my wife)

You deleted the line from the quote that I waited 18 months before bringing this up with her, so a temporary loss of libido was going on a bit, I feel that no matter what way I brought it up with her she would have cried. If I had not talked to her about what I perceived as a problem in our relationship it would just get worse between us.

I am not sure how you get the idea about me running off with a more attractive model from my post. I said that she was the one that got fitter and lost weight and that this is what improved her libido, nothing about me and other women, other than I think a friend of hers made a comment to her (I am just making an educated guess on that)

My whole post was as advice to the OP that although in my case the time frame is much shorter, my wife’s libido improved with her self-esteem through the sport / fitness.

As for the post natal depression comment from another poster, she was checked for that and did not have it.

LegacyUser

I am female and in a pretty sexless marriage. I can’t offer any help but you have my sympathy.

We used to have a very normal sex life, but my husband’s sex drive gradually decreased over the course of a few years. We don’t have kids, so no obvious reason there. He blamed stress (bull****, low stress job and I do everything for him). He refuses to speak to a doctor about it, blaming me for putting pressure on him and being sex obsessed. I absolutely am not.

Initially I felt rejected, then confused and angry. He will wait until I am having my period to suggest sex and then recoils in horror when he is told.

At this stage, I am done to be honest. I think that since intimacy dropped off, all other issues have grown and filled the void.

dubstepper

Could it be menopause? My wife has early menopause and it seems to have totally killed her drive.

TheBoyConor

I would say this is very plausible. OP might be overthinking it and wondering if it is him or the relationship when in fact it might just be natural factors.

gemsgirl

isthereawayback wrote: »

Hi folks,

Sex in my marriage has declined steadily since we had kids to the point now, 15 years on, that it is virtually non existent. Once every 3 months or so... but still on the decline. I'm the husband btw.

I would like to know if anyone has managed to repair a sexless situation in their marriage and if so, what did you do to turn things around?
I'm also interested to hear the experiences of people that didn't manage to turn it around.

I am very aware that lack of sex is a symptom of other more fundamental problems that need to be repaired but I don't want to get into the low level details - I am interested in trying to get a feel for what kinds of things people have done to try and turn things around.

Again, I would also like to hear about what doesn't/didn't work too.

Sounds like my marriage....I'm a woman married 12 yrs and our sex life stopped about 2 yrs ago.
I have had many conversations with my husband to try to fix it. He never had a big sex drive and as he got older it disappeared completely.
So I have given up trying. We are just like housemates now, we get on well as friends, we look after the house and the children together but unfortunately that's it.
I blamed myself for a long time but it's actually him not me. He got lazy and complacent in the marriage. If we could afford it I would definitely separate from him but with young children, mortgage etc this is not an option.
I'm sorry I'm suppose to be giving you some good advice but to be honest I think many marriages ended up like this...but it sure as hell ain't nice is it!

Emme

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I would say this is very plausible. OP might be overthinking it and wondering if it is him or the relationship when in fact it might just be natural factors.

She's getting it somewhere else Conor, don't kid yourself

I don't mean the OP's wife. They need to sit down and talk about workloads, the sharing of household chores, childcare etc. A weekend away without the children would be a good idea, go to a destination that's not too much of a drive so they're not too wrecked when they get there.

Emme

Yieldcurve wrote: »

Choresex is not a viable solution.

When people are in a relationship they have a responsibility to each other. Some women seem to think that once they have snared the man and had a few children they can shut up shop and he has no right to complain about. I am a woman BTW. In a long term relationship there are times both partners won't always feel like sex but sometimes they should make the effort for the sake of the other person. If the person who is unwilling feels bad about themselves (ie excess weight, lack of fitness) the other partner should encourage and facilitate them to improve themselves - ie look after the children while their partner goes to the gym.

MartyMcFly84

I am female and in a pretty sexless marriage. I can’t offer any help but you have my sympathy.

We used to have a very normal sex life, but my husband’s sex drive gradually decreased over the course of a few years. We don’t have kids, so no obvious reason there. He blamed stress (bull****, low stress job and I do everything for him). He refuses to speak to a doctor about it, blaming me for putting pressure on him and being sex obsessed. I absolutely am not.

Initially I felt rejected, then confused and angry. He will wait until I am having my period to suggest sex and then recoils in horror when he is told.

At this stage, I am done to be honest. I think that since intimacy dropped off, all other issues have grown and filled the void.

Its very common for men to suffer from low testosterone, especially over the age of 35 it drops at steady rate.

The major signs of this is fatigue, depression, and low sex drive. Many men accept its just middle age, but looking into testosterone replacement therapy can save marriages and add years of happiness to lives.

blue note

isthereawayback wrote: »

I am very aware that lack of sex is a symptom of other more fundamental problems that need to be repaired but I don't want to get into the low level details - I am interested in trying to get a feel for what kinds of things people have done to try and turn things around.

From speaking to a few people about this I don't think that this is often the case at all. Just because there are problems elsewhere doesn't mean they're the cause of problems in the bedroom.

I think the most common cause of a lack of intimacy is the woman losing interest. Yes it can also be the man losing interest, stress, lack of time / planning, one partner not finding the other or themsleves attractive, or lots of other reasons. But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty and doesn't raise the hurt it causes to the man.

I had a girlfriend who essentially lost interest. We had lots of other problems, but that was a big one. I talked about it to her and tried a few things - not bringing it up so she doesn't feel pressured - nothing. I did all the cooking and cleaning anyway to be honest but I'd make sure the place was completely spotless - nothing. Arranging dates - she'd be tired after then and nothing would happen.

We broke up in the end and the sex wasn't the main reason. But as regards that problem there was no fixing it. She wasn't interested and no amount of talking or efforts were going to have an effect. I think looking back that she enjoyed the control she exercised with sex rationing.

gemsgirl

blue note wrote: »

From speaking to a few people about this I don't think that this is often the case at all. Just because there are problems elsewhere doesn't mean they're the cause of problems in the bedroom.

I think the most common cause of a lack of intimacy is the woman losing interest. Yes it can also be the man losing interest, stress, lack of time / planning, one partner not finding the other or themsleves attractive, or lots of other reasons. But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty and doesn't raise the hurt it causes to the man.

I had a girlfriend who essentially lost interest. We had lots of other problems, but that was a big one. I talked about it to her and tried a few things - not bringing it up so she doesn't feel pressured - nothing. I did all the cooking and cleaning anyway to be honest but I'd make sure the place was completely spotless - nothing. Arranging dates - she'd be tired after then and nothing would happen.

We broke up in the end and the sex wasn't the main reason. But as regards that problem there was no fixing it. She wasn't interested and no amount of talking or efforts were going to have an effect. I think looking back that she enjoyed the control she exercised with sex rationing.

I have to say I totally agree with this.

.......

blue note wrote: »

I think the most common cause of a lack of intimacy is the woman losing interest. Yes it can also be the man losing interest, stress, lack of time / planning, one partner not finding the other or themsleves attractive, or lots of other reasons. But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty and doesn't raise the hurt it causes to the man.

This is quite a sweeping generalisation regarding women and their interest (or lack of) in sex.

Is this based on any kind of scientific research or just your own experience with one woman that has coloured your opinion on it?

GingerLily

blue note wrote: »

But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty

Sex shouldn't be considered a duty

blue note

....... wrote: »

This is quite a sweeping generalisation regarding women and their interest (or lack of) in sex.

Is this based on any kind of scientific research or just your own experience with one woman that has coloured your opinion on it?

It's a scientific as any of the rest of the advice on the subject. It's based on

My own experience
Talking to friends about the subject, both male and female
Reading countless threads on boards started by guys whose wife / gf has stopped wanting to have sex.

It seems on here or on a radio discussion / newspaper article on the subject there's decent advice given; talking about it, going to a gp to make sure there's no physical problem, introducing date night, sharing the housework, buying flowers, etc. But the thing never mentioned and that's most commonly the problem as far as I can see is that the woman's sex drive is no longer as high, or she had more sex at the start of a relationship because she felt she should, but no longer feels she needs to.

From talking to friends on the topic it's sometimes a not funny joke that you almost need to book in sex with missus or that a 12 pack of condoms is designed so that you get the year out of it. Or a couple of times it was a very serious discussion from guys who were fed up at being told to grow up or the like when they brought it up as a problem. But it seems very clear very few of us are happy with how often we have sex. I remember having a good conversation about it with my housemate a few years ago and she said that her and her friends talked about sex in long term relationships and largely agreed that it becomes a rare occurrence and that's fine with them. She specifically said that she wouldn't notice if she hadn't had sex in s couple of months whereas it seems to be a much bigger deal for guys.

I just haven't seen anything that would contradict my opinion that this is a common problem, particularly that it is the woman who loses interest. Everything seems to dance around this fact and come up with solutions to when the problem is rooted in something else. But I haven't seen a solution to "my wife has a lower sex drive than me."

The extra leg to the problem is often that the wife / gf doesn't regard it as a problem. So feel no need to address it.

Riskymove

GingerLily wrote: »

Sex shouldn't be considered a duty

duty is the wrong word. it suggests that one partner should have sex whenever the other wants it even they don't want to at the time


However, intimacy is a part of a relationship/being a couple. I think most people would understand it as being part and parcel of being together with someone you love. The impact on a partner of the other simply not wanting it at all, ever, is often underestimated.

GingerLily

Riskymove wrote: »

duty is the wrong word. it suggests that one partner should have sex whenever the other wants it even they don't want to at the time


However, intimacy is a part of a relationship/being a couple. I think most people would understand it as being part and parcel of being together with someone you love. The impact on a partner of the other simply not wanting it at all, ever, is often underestimated.

I'm not disagreeing that a healthy relationship should involve intimacy.

But having sex with your partner because they've made it clear you're obliged to, that's its your duty, it's just as unhealthy as a sexless relationship (I would consider it more unhealthy).

Theres a problem that needs fixing, sex could be the symptom rather than the problem.

Riskymove

GingerLily wrote: »

But having sex with your partner because they've made it clear you're obliged to, that's its your duty, it's just as unhealthy as a sexless relationship (I would consider it more unhealthy).

I don't think anyone is saying that they should. I think "duty" was just a wrong word to use to convey the idea that intimacy/sex is "required" as part of a relationship...not "on demand" ..... but a requirement all the same

Theres a problem that needs fixing, sex could be the symptom rather than the problem.

as mentioned on the thread this argument is often put forward, implying that one partner is simply put off by the other or choosing not to be intimate even though they could be due to issues in the relationship.

And of course this could often happen, people get upset/pissed off at times

But I think this thread is about something more serious, a complete lack of intimacy, possibly even an inability to be intimate

AndrewJRenko

In some cases these wives will have their sexuality awoken by a man who she is attracted to, and she has incredible sex with him.

Incredible? I don't believe it.

seannash

Being a bit controversial here but there might be two types of people giving advice here.
Hard to explain but I will say that if you are not making an effort to be in good shape and be as attractive to your partner as possible then everything else of irrelevant.
If you want to increase the regulatory of your sex life this should be number one in your list and if your not prepared to do this then forget all other advice. That's harsh I know but it's very true especially if you were slim when you met your partner.
Even if you weren't previously slim, losing weight and working on your appearance should go a long way to increasing your chances of sex with your partner.
I don't believe a night out or weekend away is the way to fix it it. If your not attractive to your partner most other things are irrelevant.

I agree with the poster who said some woman are awakened when they are attracted to someone else.

gemsgirl

seannash wrote: »

Being a bit controversial here but there might be two types of people giving advice here.
Hard to explain but I will say that if you are not making an effort to be in good shape and be as attractive to your partner as possible then everything else of irrelevant.
If you want to increase the regulatory of your sex life this should be number one in your list and if your not prepared to do this then forget all other advice. That's harsh I know but it's very true especially if you were slim when you met your partner.
Even if you weren't previously slim, losing weight and working on your appearance should go a long way to increasing your chances of sex with your partner.
I don't believe a night out or weekend away is the way to fix it it. If your not attractive to your partner most other things are irrelevant.

I agree with the poster who said some woman are awakened when they are attracted to someone else.

Being sexy comes from within.... it's to do with confidence, personality, attitude etc.
Being slim doesn't always equal sexy!
I know plenty of size 10 women who have as much sexiness as a dead cabbage!

seannash

gemsgirl wrote: »

Being sexy comes from within.... it's to do with confidence, personality, attitude etc.
Being slim doesn't always equal sexy!
I know plenty of size 10 women who have as much sexiness as a dead cabbage!

Yep, and this is the second type of person I referred to.
You're absolutely right but the odds are that this is not the case, the odds are that the OP is himself not a sexy, confident, big man.
The odds are that a slimmer, better dressed version of himself would be more appealing to his wife.

Johnnyhpipe

Not sure it can be repaired.

1 year of therapy, nothing’s changed. Thiiiisss close to calling it a day.

People who have never experienced it think its ludicrous to end a marriage over sex..they think you’re obsessed with sex and should just get over it.. but imagine the feeling of constant rejection, never feeling wanted, loved or desired, seeing your partner physically recoil when you touch them.. Its not a marriage in that case.

gemsgirl

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Not sure it can be repaired.

1 year of therapy, nothing’s changed. Thiiiisss close to calling it a day.

People who have never experienced it think its ludicrous to end a marriage over sex..they think you’re obsessed with sex and should just get over it.. but imagine the feeling of constant rejection, never feeling wanted, loved or desired, seeing your partner physically recoil when you touch them.. Its not a marriage in that case.

I totally agree with you.

LegacyUser

OP Here - apologies for the delay in getting back to the thread.

Thanks everyone for your input - it's greatly appreciated and very helpful to see all the angles.

There are so many interacting factors... but one thing is that I've been working from home for a number of years - I built my own office and it's a grand space... but she probably just sees too much of me and takes me for granted, much as professore is saying below.

professore wrote: »

For me what worked was getting in shape, getting my own hobbies, and getting to a point where I was attractive to other women. Added benefit was I had way more energy and was happier. To put it bluntly my wife knew I had options and stopped taking me for granted. The fact other women wanted me seemed to turn her on.

They say doing everything for your wife is supposed to work but I found it had the opposite effect. Then again people are different, so this may not work for you. I'd say try being the opposite of what you currently are in a good way, eg if you never help her round the house, start that. If you are a hopeless romantic dial it back etc.

This is assuming you've tried talking about it. I found that a waste of time too.

You know, I'm pretty much 100% with you here. I've had the very same experience.

I've talked it to death - just a dead end - she won'r engage. and is evasive. She's just not sexually attracted and I suppose finds that troubling herself and doesn't like dealing with it. I think you're right in that I just have to become more independent and get myself into shape, which I've been working on for 3 months now. I know in the past this worked - but it seems harder now.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What was your sex life like before the kids came along? There have been many threads here from people (usually men, it has to be said) who are in sexless marriages. Often the warning signs were there from before they even got married.

The really depressing thing here is that there were times, before the kids, when I would be having the headache I would say it's been a slow steady decline since having kids (2).

nikkibikki wrote: »

Make time for yourselves as a couple. Even if it's just date night at home. A Chinese takeaway and a bottle of wine. Alone. Get the kids a pizza or something and tell them to not disturb you unless someone is bleeding or unconscious. Try do this once a month. Schedule it in a calendar if you have to.

Definitely second a weekend away every so often. There are some great deals on pigsback/groupon/escapes.ie

Re-open the lines of communication. Be prepared to talk about where you feel your relationship is lacking and be prepared to hear that from her too. Be prepared to fix some things. Marriages and relationships need attention and effort to stay alive.

She's so much of a homebird at the best of times that it takes sooo much effort to get her to go out with me - she's just not interested and it's demoralising having to push it so hard - so I've mostly given up. She's suggest the cinema from time to time, but that's really just if she wants to see the movie!

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Going by personal experience women go off sex for a number of reasons:

1: They're no longer attracted to their partner, but afraid to say so. Sex with someone that doesn't excite you anymore feels you just feeling more and more repulsed every time it happens.

2: They don't enjoy the sex (and this a lot more common than you might think) but are afraid to tell their partners. A lot of times women don't orgasm and men don't take enough time for forplay. I can't recall the amount of times where he has his orgasm, but I didn't (again!) but was left with bleedings and infections for days afterwards. By the time they had stopped and cleared up he wanted to have sex again so the situation became that I was constantly in pain from satisfying his need for sex. If there is no reward for her in having sex, she'll avoid it like the plague. 

3: Some men hope that a woman's low sex drive will improve after they are married. I don't know where this thought comes from but it's usually the opposite. Some women don't care about sex. You need to find out if your wife is one of those. If she's really not interested then you'll have to come to an agreement as to how to move forward. It's perfectly okay not to want sex, but it's also not acceptable for her to force you into a life long celibacy.

I wish you both all the best.

Thanks for that. My money is on 1 :-) She had a grand sex drive at the start, before the kids.

improved wrote: »

going anon for obvious reasons.
I had a similar situation to OP, in fact it is why I started lurking on this forum.

After our second child we went though a patch of very little sex -approx once a month, our youngest is now 5 and we have a fairly good sex life though that has slowly built up over the last 2 years. I will point out that it was a difficult pregnancy and she ended up in hospital various times during the pregnancy.

I left it for about 18 months, not wanting to be an overly pushy husband.

I tried talking to her about it and all she would so is cry (and not increase the frequency of sex). She even would give out to me for using porn, until I pointed out that she could not object unless she was giving me sex on a regular basis.

what worked was similar to @professores story, but as I am relatively fit and active, in my case my wife got into a sport (with my encouragement) got fit and lost weight and things improved, she also has friends through this sport, and similar to what @professore said one is female and single and I am suspicious her "observations" also helped the situation.

One thing I have learned through this is that women need to feel good to have sex and men need sex to feel good.

Op, I hope some of this is will help you - good luck

Thanks for sharing your experience. I would just say to the others out there that it is very difficult as a guy when sex is missing - it plays havoc with your head - it impacts your entire feel of self worth... I suppose it's pretty primeval. Anyway, it's so easy to be judgmental of someone's actions, but it can be very traumatic and you don't always do the right thing.

Me too! wrote: »

I am female and in a pretty sexless marriage. I can’t offer any help but you have my sympathy.

We used to have a very normal sex life, but my husband’s sex drive gradually decreased over the course of a few years. We don’t have kids, so no obvious reason there. He blamed stress (bull****, low stress job and I do everything for him). He refuses to speak to a doctor about it, blaming me for putting pressure on him and being sex obsessed. I absolutely am not.

Initially I felt rejected, then confused and angry. He will wait until I am having my period to suggest sex and then recoils in horror when he is told.

At this stage, I am done to be honest. I think that since intimacy dropped off, all other issues have grown and filled the void.

Thank you so much for posting. It's nice to have a female angle on it. I really identify with the intimacy thing... for me, it's really hard because it creates this catch 22 situation where because I feel disconnected I feel less inclined to do nice things... in some ways though, nice things are possibly what I shouldn't be doing. I'm quite an affectionate person and Mrs isn't and I'm aware that I need to pull back... which in the past would have worked, but now she doesn't care what I do.

a few people wrote:

Menopause

I wonder... maybe? She's 42.

gemsgirl wrote: »

Sounds like my marriage....I'm a woman married 12 yrs and our sex life stopped about 2 yrs ago.
I have had many conversations with my husband to try to fix it. He never had a big sex drive and as he got older it disappeared completely.
So I have given up trying. We are just like housemates now, we get on well as friends, we look after the house and the children together but unfortunately that's it.
I blamed myself for a long time but it's actually him not me. He got lazy and complacent in the marriage. If we could afford it I would definitely separate from him but with young children, mortgage etc this is not an option.
I'm sorry I'm suppose to be giving you some good advice but to be honest I think many marriages ended up like this...but it sure as hell ain't nice is it!

Thanks for that. Yeah, I'm almost 100% sure this is where we would end up... but I want to make it clear that I have absolutely zero interest in this scenario... I really need the intimacy not just the sex... I probably sound like a woman when I say that :-) But obviously I don't want to be threatening - but how do I communicate that I have no interest in this housemates thing without sounding like I am threatening something?

Emme wrote: »

She's getting it somewhere else Conor, don't kid yourself
...

I'd be a fool if I didn't consider this - and believe me I have. I work from home and know all her comes (unfortunately not in that sense at the moment ) and goings... if she is getting it elsewhere, she is doing a top job of covering her tracks

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Not sure it can be repaired.

1 year of therapy, nothing’s changed. Thiiiisss close to calling it a day.

People who have never experienced it think its ludicrous to end a marriage over sex..they think you’re obsessed with sex and should just get over it.. but imagine the feeling of constant rejection, never feeling wanted, loved or desired, seeing your partner physically recoil when you touch them.. Its not a marriage in that case.

Yes, I agree - it messes with your head completely and changes your whole perspective on things. It doesn't matter how much you would like it to be different, it just changes everything and it's very traumatic.

In conclusion - as someone posted, it's pretty basic and all comes down to attraction and that's where the focus should be.

Thanks again everyone - I really appreciate all the contributions.

.......

blue note wrote: »

I just haven't seen anything that would contradict my opinion that this is a common problem, particularly that it is the woman who loses interest.

So just your anecdotal experience then. Well I will give my own so - non scientific.

Odd - among my own circle it is more common for the man to lose interest or to suffer erectile dysfunction.

The types of jokes I hear are that the women just has to lie there and take it while its the man who has to do all the work etc....

See how generalisations can be made in either direction?

I dont think generalisations help the OP tbh.

blue note

....... wrote: »

So just your anecdotal experience then. Well I will give my own so - non scientific.

Odd - among my own circle it is more common for the man to lose interest or to suffer erectile dysfunction.

The types of jokes I hear are that the women just has to lie there and take it while its the man who has to do all the work etc....

See how generalisations can be made in either direction?

I dont think generalisations help the OP tbh.

The OP wanted to know about people's experiences - what they did and what worked / didn't work. I had a similar experience, I obviously did the internet research, spoke to people about it, etc and I shared my thoughts on it all.

It's easy to find advice in how to fix this problem. It's predominantly focused on what the man can do to fix it. To me that suggests it's because it's mainly men asking the question. But the glaring omission from all the advice is that you can do everything recommended and it very likely won't have a significant or lasting effect. I agree the advice should be read and tried if he thinks it could work. But the problem might be as simple as she has lost interest in frequent, regular sex. When this happens, I'd say a lot of women and some men will continue to have regular sex because they want to to make their partner happy, even if they don't have a huge desire for it. And a lot of women will feel that sex should only be had when both people want to, so if they don't want to it won't happen. Which is fair enough, but it leaves a massive problem in the relationship.

TheBoyConor

OP if you were to present your wife a proposal for divorce and for ye to split up for good, what do you think her reaction would be?

LegacyUser

TheBoyConor wrote: »

OP if you were to present your wife a proposal for divorce and for ye to split up for good, what do you think her reaction would be?

She has no income and the nice life we have now would disappear overnight as neither of us would do much with half the equity. I'd lose as much as her I suppose. I'm pretty sure she would think there is only a very outside chance of me doing something like that. It's a very high-stakes gamble!

Plan A is to try and become happier, independent and attractive to other women... at least then I will have options down the line.

The question is though, are there other things I could suggest. I mean, I'm obviously not thrilled being the only bread winner sustaining a nice way of life for the Mrs when I feel I am not loved, valued or appreciated.

But obvious, if you go down that route, it could be very damaging...

Currently, we have everything in common... one thing I've thought of is taking more control over the finances... but it could be a very damaging route to go down... at the same time, I would like to signal that I won't put up with the situation forever....

gemsgirl

IsThereAWayBack wrote: »

She has no income and the nice life we have now would disappear overnight as neither of us would do much with half the equity. I'd lose as much as her I suppose. I'm pretty sure she would think there is only a very outside chance of me doing something like that. It's a very high-stakes gamble!

Plan A is to try and become happier, independent and attractive to other women... at least then I will have options down the line.

The question is though, are there other things I could suggest. I mean, I'm obviously not thrilled being the only bread winner sustaining a nice way of life for the Mrs when I feel I am not loved, valued or appreciated.

But obvious, if you go down that route, it could be very damaging...

Currently, we have everything in common... one thing I've thought of is taking more control over the finances... but it could be a very damaging route to go down... at the same time, I would like to signal that I won't put up with the situation forever....

I even suggested to my husband that we both "do our own thing" so at least I would have a chance with someone else....but he didn't think it was a good idea.
I'm in my early 40's and my children are my priority...but I'm too young for my sex life to be over. I sometimes feel 'how dare he deprive me of a sex life.... I'm a healthy woman.
Is that not what couples sign up for when they get married...a physical relationship along with all the other parts in the marriage?!
Look I don't want to make you feel depressed and I'm sorry if I do but being realistic, it's not going to change...your wife is not going to suddenly start wanting the physical side of your marriage...

Johnnyhpipe

gemsgirl wrote: »

I even suggested to my husband that we both "do our own thing" so at least I would have a chance with someone else....but he didn't think it was a good idea.
I'm in my early 40's and my children are my priority...but I'm too young for my sex life to be over. I sometimes feel 'how dare he deprive me of a sex life.... I'm a healthy woman.
Is that not what couples sign up for when they get married...a physical relationship along with all the other parts in the marriage?!
Look I don't want to make you feel depressed and I'm sorry if I do but being realistic, it's not going to change...your wife is not going to suddenly start wanting the physical side of your marriage...

Same here..late 30s and find it bizarre to say to someone “well you’re not having sex with me...but don’t you dare go and have sex with someone else!”

I’ve heard when you are having sex its 10% of the relationship, when you’re not its 90% of the relationship. That’s totally true as everything for me revolves around the bitterness and resentment I feel. At this stage I would not feel guilty about cheating. I need to feel someone who actually wants me.

To have and to hold....TO HOLD!

VonZan

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Not sure it can be repaired.

1 year of therapy, nothing’s changed. Thiiiisss close to calling it a day.

People who have never experienced it think its ludicrous to end a marriage over sex..they think you’re obsessed with sex and should just get over it.. but imagine the feeling of constant rejection, never feeling wanted, loved or desired, seeing your partner physically recoil when you touch them.. Its not a marriage in that case.

I wouldn't take advice from someone who doesn't know the situation or have any understanding of it. A lack of sex is a serious issue for any relationship. There are lots of reasons why people don't have sex but rarely there are passive issues that last longer than a few weeks or months at most.

I think also some people underestimate the importance of sex to a relationship. Some couples choose not to do it and that's fine but going from having lots of sex to none generally doesn't work out well in the long run.

Johnnyhpipe

gemsgirl wrote: »

I even suggested to my husband that we both "do our own thing" so at least I would have a chance with someone else....but he didn't think it was a good idea.
I'm in my early 40's and my children are my priority...but I'm too young for my sex life to be over. I sometimes feel 'how dare he deprive me of a sex life.... I'm a healthy woman.
Is that not what couples sign up for when they get married...a physical relationship along with all the other parts in the marriage?!
Look I don't want to make you feel depressed and I'm sorry if I do but being realistic, it's not going to change...your wife is not going to suddenly start wanting the physical side of your marriage...

How did you approach the idea of going to do ‘your own thing’?

What was his problem with it? He doesn’t want to have sex with you and doesn’t want you to have it with anyone?? Ever again??!

I find that the constant rejection is always on my mind. All the time!! Its so frustrating that I firmly believe it can lead to depression. I’m in the gym every morning and do yoga some evenings and I find that helps me to switch off. Its still a poxy situation that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

gemsgirl

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

How did you approach the idea of going to do ‘your own thing’?

What was his problem with it? He doesn’t want to have sex with you and doesn’t want you to have it with anyone?? Ever again??!

I find that the constant rejection is always on my mind. All the time!! Its so frustrating that I firmly believe it can lead to depression. I’m in the gym every morning and do yoga some evenings and I find that helps me to switch off. Its still a poxy situation that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Hi....his problem with it was that although he stopped wanting sex and stopped making any effort...he didn't want any other man to have me!!!...selfish or what?!
And how I approached the idea of "doing our own thing"...I told him during our many conversations on the subject...that I was too young for my sex life to be over...and his response was..."I know"!
That's why I stopped....I stopped blaming mysey...I stopped being heartbroken over it...I stopped wanting him.
Yes I totally agree with you when you say about becoming depressed... because that's what was happening to me. I had to tell myself to get a grip and that's when I began to come back to feeling like me again.
Yes continue with the yoga because that will help give peace to your mind. But also start having chats with yourself...tell yourself you are a healthy, happy man and start to like yourself again. It will improve your confidence. Go to the gym if you enjoy it but don't be killing yourself to get a 6 pack because most woman just want an ordinary man not a male model.
Now that I'm back to being me... I'm happy, content, confident and my mind is finally at peace again....even though I still live a sexless life...but I am putting myself first now and not him...
Don't be too hard on yourself...just think... it's her loss!
Sorry for waffling on a bit. :-) I hop I helped you a little bit.

Johnnyhpipe

gemsgirl wrote: »

Hi....his problem with it was that although he stopped wanting sex and stopped making any effort...he didn't want any other man to have me!!!...selfish or what?!
And how I approached the idea of "doing our own thing"...I told him during our many conversations on the subject...that I was too young for my sex life to be over...and his response was..."I know"!
That's why I stopped....I stopped blaming mysey...I stopped being heartbroken over it...I stopped wanting him.
Yes I totally agree with you when you say about becoming depressed... because that's what was happening to me. I had to tell myself to get a grip and that's when I began to come back to feeling like me again.
Yes continue with the yoga because that will help give peace to your mind. But also start having chats with yourself...tell yourself you are a healthy, happy man and start to like yourself again. It will improve your confidence. Go to the gym if you enjoy it but don't be killing yourself to get a 6 pack because most woman just want an ordinary man not a male model.
Now that I'm back to being me... I'm happy, content, confident and my mind is finally at peace again....even though I still live a sexless life...but I am putting myself first now and not him...
Don't be too hard on yourself...just think... it's her loss!
Sorry for waffling on a bit. :-) I hop I helped you a little bit.

Hi, i like your approach to it and of course that’s healthy (as can be in this situation). But when you say you stopped wanting him, how do you not let that spill over into every other aspect of life? I find my resentment over then boils over into everything else..

Do you initiate at all now or just leave it and forget about it completely? If you just leave it, then what sort of a relationship is that?

gemsgirl

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Hi, i like your approach to it and of course that’s healthy (as can be in this situation). But when you say you stopped wanting him, how do you not let that spill over into every other aspect of life? I find my resentment over then boils over into everything else..

Do you initiate at all now or just leave it and forget about it completely? If you just leave it, then what sort of a relationship is that?

We get on fine as friends.... there's no rows anymore because I realised that the situation is never going to change. I don't love him or want him anymore but I have 2 young children and a mortgage so unfortunately I can't just pack up and move out.
It's hard to explain...but my mind is clear now...I know exactly what I want and what I don't want...but not in a selfish way. Without sounding crude...if the situation arises that I meet someone else who is on the same page as me then 8 will go with the flow.
When you accept that no matter what you do or say...she ain't changing her mind...then you can start to accept it and move on. It will stop spilling into other aspects of your life then because you will have accepted the situation. Start liking yourself again... it's her loss...and you are definitely not to blame... remember that.
X

Senature

IsThereAWayBack wrote: »

...the nice life we have now would disappear overnight... I'd lose as much as her I suppose. I'm pretty sure she would think there is only a very outside chance of me doing something like that.

Plan A is to try and become happier, independent and attractive to other women... at least then I will have options down the line.

I'm obviously not thrilled being the only bread winner sustaining a nice way of life for the Mrs when I feel I am not loved, valued or appreciated.

I would like to signal that I won't put up with the situation forever....

These are the nubs of the issue, you need to tell her this, clearly, preferably in couples counselling. I think you are closer to ending your marriage then you realise, your own plan A is to work towards having other options down the line.

Also, regarding your point about being the only breadwinner, I think you might resent your wife more than you realise too. A couple should both have input into the relationship, home, family responsibilities incl finances and childcare etc. No couple share any of these tasks equally between them ever. When one person perceives that they have the raw deal, resentments build, and they can be totally toxic. You seem to feel that you have the raw deal as you are the only breadwinner. Playing devils advocate, your wife may also feel that she has the raw deal. Are you developing and furthering a career or business, while she has put her own working life on hold in order to take care of your home and children? She may meet friends for coffee or go to gym or yoga classes for a couple of hours a few days a week which sounds lovely, but the rest of every day until bedtime, is likely taken up with a series of mind numbingly boring and endless tasks for which she never receives any thanks or appreciation. And has zero chance ever of a raise, bonus, promotion, new contract etc.

I guess my point overall is, no relationship is perfect, often despite people's best intentions. But I can't see how you can make a good sex life with the ingredients above. So these are things that I think need to be addressed. Good luck.