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Have you repaired a sexless marriage and how and how not?

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  • 16-08-2018 10:14am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi folks,

    Sex in my marriage has declined steadily since we had kids to the point now, 15 years on, that it is virtually non existent. Once every 3 months or so... but still on the decline. I'm the husband btw.

    I would like to know if anyone has managed to repair a sexless situation in their marriage and if so, what did you do to turn things around?

    I'm also interested to hear the experiences of people that didn't manage to turn it around.

    I am very aware that lack of sex is a symptom of other more fundamental problems that need to be repaired but I don't want to get into the low level details - I am interested in trying to get a feel for what kinds of things people have done to try and turn things around.

    Again, I would also like to hear about what doesn't/didn't work too.
    Tagged:


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    #2
    Peatys
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,881 ✭✭✭Peatys


    Very easy for bed to become a place to collapse into after work and getting kids sorted.

    We thought we had issues, but turned out we just had two kids! A weekend away sans kids every couple of months quickly gets us back on track.


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    #3
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    For me what worked was getting in shape, getting my own hobbies, and getting to a point where I was attractive to other women. Added benefit was I had way more energy and was happier. To put it bluntly my wife knew I had options and stopped taking me for granted. The fact other women wanted me seemed to turn her on.

    They say doing everything for your wife is supposed to work but I found it had the opposite effect. Then again people are different, so this may not work for you. I'd say try being the opposite of what you currently are in a good way, eg if you never help her round the house, start that. If you are a hopeless romantic dial it back etc.

    This is assuming you've tried talking about it. I found that a waste of time too.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Have you talked to your wife about the issue? Seems like the first place to start. How many kids do you? What ages are they? Do you both work? Do one or both of you have a long commute? Are weekend taken over by kids activities? How much kid free time do you get? Do you try to instigate and get rejected? It could be the sign of bigger relationship issues or it might just be something that's been pushed down the priority list due to having kids.

    As Peatys says it could be as simple as a weekend away or setting a date night every week or two weeks to put that spark back in, you won't know unless you take to your partner. Maybe they feel the same but are worried to talk to you about, maybe they've not noticed as they are too swamped/overwhelmed, or maybe they've lost interest - communication is the answer.


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    #5
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    1 - Talk about it. Dont have it as an elephant in the room. Why are you not having sex with each other? Do you both want to? Are you both attracted to each other?

    2 - GP, get bloods and hormone levels checked, perhaps one of you is suffering with a decreased libido because of natural changes in the body or hormonal contraception etc...

    3 - Agree with the advice above on making the most of yourself. You both need to. Be critical with yourself, are you attractive, if you need to lose weight, lose it, if you need to tone up, join a gym, if you need to be better groomed - do it. Its very easy to slip into not making much of an effort physically. Something that can help this is having nice events to go to where you would make an effort to dress up. Doesnt have to be all the time, but you want to be getting dickied up to go somewhere nice now and again. It focuses the mind on how you look and how you look compared to other people. Date nights like this can then be used as opportunities to revive a bit of romance in the relationship.


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    #6
    nikkibikki
    Registered Users Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭nikkibikki


    Make time for yourselves as a couple. Even if it's just date night at home. A Chinese takeaway and a bottle of wine. Alone. Get the kids a pizza or something and tell them to not disturb you unless someone is bleeding or unconscious. Try do this once a month. Schedule it in a calendar if you have to.

    Definitely second a weekend away every so often. There are some great deals on pigsback/groupon/escapes.ie

    Re-open the lines of communication. Be prepared to talk about where you feel your relationship is lacking and be prepared to hear that from her too. Be prepared to fix some things. Marriages and relationships need attention and effort to stay alive.


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    #7
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    What was your sex life like before the kids came along? There have been many threads here from people (usually men, it has to be said) who are in sexless marriages. Often the warning signs were there from before they even got married.


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    #8
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Going by personal experience women go off sex for a number of reasons:

    1: They're no longer attracted to their partner, but afraid to say so. Sex with someone that doesn't excite you anymore feels you just feeling more and more repulsed every time it happens.

    2: They don't enjoy the sex (and this a lot more common than you might think) but are afraid to tell their partners. A lot of times women don't orgasm and men don't take enough time for forplay. I can't recall the amount of times where he has his orgasm, but I didn't (again!) but was left with bleedings and infections for days afterwards. By the time they had stopped and cleared up he wanted to have sex again so the situation became that I was constantly in pain from satisfying his need for sex. If there is no reward for her in having sex, she'll avoid it like the plague. 

    3: Some men hope that a woman's low sex drive will improve after they are married. I don't know where this thought comes from but it's usually the opposite. Some women don't care about sex. You need to find out if your wife is one of those. If she's really not interested then you'll have to come to an agreement as to how to move forward. It's perfectly okay not to want sex, but it's also not acceptable for her to force you into a life long celibacy.

    I wish you both all the best.


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    #9
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Op of it was 15 years ago ye had kids then I think he are probably middle aged.
    It's natural for the frequency of people having sex at middle age will decline..

    And your wife is probably menopausal or near it so again, it's natural for sex life to decelerate or end. I know it might not be the modern or pc outlook on it but the hard reality of it is that after menopause, sex is something that is talked about in the past tense. Unfortunately that tends to be just the way it is.


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    #10
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    @TheBoyConor - you’ve been warned before about your posting style. You’re giving “advice” of which you have no direct experience, and managing to offend a lot of people along the way. Please stick to advice based on your experience and don’t make generalisations.

    dudara


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    going anon for obvious reasons.
    I had a similar situation to OP, in fact it is why I started lurking on this forum.

    After our second child we went though a patch of very little sex -approx once a month, our youngest is now 5 and we have a fairly good sex life though that has slowly built up over the last 2 years. I will point out that it was a difficult pregnancy and she ended up in hospital various times during the pregnancy.

    I left it for about 18 months, not wanting to be an overly pushy husband.

    I tried talking to her about it and all she would so is cry (and not increase the frequency of sex). She even would give out to me for using porn, until I pointed out that she could not object unless she was giving me sex on a regular basis.

    what worked was similar to @professores story, but as I am relatively fit and active, in my case my wife got into a sport (with my encouragement) got fit and lost weight and things improved, she also has friends through this sport, and similar to what @professore said one is female and single and I am suspicious her "observations" also helped the situation.

    One thing I have learned through this is that women need to feel good to have sex and men need sex to feel good.

    Op, I hope some of this is will help you - good luck


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    #12
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    improved wrote: »

    After our second child we went though a patch of very little sex -approx once a month, our youngest is now 5 and we have a fairly good sex life though that has slowly built up over the last 2 years. I will point out that it was a difficult pregnancy and she ended up in hospital various times during the pregnancy.



    I tried talking to her about it and all she would so is cry (and not increase the frequency of sex). She even would give out to me for using porn, until I pointed out that she could not object unless she was giving me sex on a regular basis.

    So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.


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    #13
    Cumulus96
    Site Banned Posts: 3 ✭Cumulus96


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

    If she cried that means he's automarically in the wrong. QED


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    #14
    Cyclepath
    Registered Users Posts: 333 ✭✭Cyclepath


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

    Although this possibly points at a dysfunctional sexual relationship, the absence of sex in a relationship affects people in different ways. You can go from a loving intimacy to resentment very quickly especially in the absence of discussion.

    In my own experience, my ex wife simply went off sex. No explanations, no discussion, no difficult pregnancy. It became a negotiation, or a reward for good behaviour. Once you commodify sex like that, it's no surprise that the terminology changes from 'making love' to 'getting sex'

    In my own experience, hitting the gym, losing a bit of weight, and losing interest in my wife, resulted in a surprising re-kindling of interest on her part. Unfortunately by the time it happened the damage was done. It's hard to repair years of hurt.


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    #15
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

    You have no idea of their dynamic. Some women will take everything as a personal criticism and cry immediately. Through experience you learn it doesn't mean anything. The porn criticism is telling too. That doesn't sound to me like OP is the controlling one in this relationship.

    It's one thing to want sex on tap but quite another to have little to no sex - being reasonably sexually satisfied is not an unreasonable expectation for a marriage. Likewise unilaterally enforcing celibacy is just as bad as unilaterally enforcing sex.

    It's also very possible she has post natal depression.


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    #16
    Cumulus96
    Site Banned Posts: 3 ✭Cumulus96


    Cyclepath wrote: »
    Although this possibly points at a dysfunctional sexual relationship, the absence of sex in a relationship affects people in different ways. You can go from a loving intimacy to resentment very quickly especially in the absence of discussion.

    In my own experience, my ex wife simply went off sex. No explanations, no discussion, no difficult pregnancy. It became a negotiation, or a reward for good behaviour. Once you commodify sex like that, it's no surprise that the terminology changes from 'making love' to 'getting sex'

    In my own experience, hitting the gym, losing a bit of weight, and losing interest in my wife, resulted in a surprising re-kindling of interest on her part. Unfortunately by the time it happened the damage was done. It's hard to repair years of hurt.

    Even when the interest was rekindled you'd still be questioning whether it was genuine interest or the fact she realises you have options with other women so she needs to increase the "reward" on offer for being a good boy.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    So, despite being traumatised by a difficult pregnancy that probably (temporarily ) killed her sex drive you approached the subject with her in such a way that she cried. Do you think she's supposed to "give" you sex even if she doesn't feel like it? And you now suspect she's "giving" you more sex because she's afraid you'll run off with a more attractive model.

    I used the word "giving" in the context of using porn, not in the context of making love to my wife, I consider the two to be quite different. Though it is still probably a poor choice of words to use there. (I obviously did not use it in a conversation with my wife)

    You deleted the line from the quote that I waited 18 months before bringing this up with her, so a temporary loss of libido was going on a bit, I feel that no matter what way I brought it up with her she would have cried. If I had not talked to her about what I perceived as a problem in our relationship it would just get worse between us.

    I am not sure how you get the idea about me running off with a more attractive model from my post. I said that she was the one that got fitter and lost weight and that this is what improved her libido, nothing about me and other women, other than I think a friend of hers made a comment to her (I am just making an educated guess on that)

    My whole post was as advice to the OP that although in my case the time frame is much shorter, my wife’s libido improved with her self-esteem through the sport / fitness.

    As for the post natal depression comment from another poster, she was checked for that and did not have it.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am female and in a pretty sexless marriage. I can’t offer any help but you have my sympathy.

    We used to have a very normal sex life, but my husband’s sex drive gradually decreased over the course of a few years. We don’t have kids, so no obvious reason there. He blamed stress (bull****, low stress job and I do everything for him). He refuses to speak to a doctor about it, blaming me for putting pressure on him and being sex obsessed. I absolutely am not.

    Initially I felt rejected, then confused and angry. He will wait until I am having my period to suggest sex and then recoils in horror when he is told.

    At this stage, I am done to be honest. I think that since intimacy dropped off, all other issues have grown and filled the void.


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    #19
    dubstepper
    Registered Users Posts: 592 ✭✭✭dubstepper


    Could it be menopause? My wife has early menopause and it seems to have totally killed her drive.


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    #20
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    I would say this is very plausible. OP might be overthinking it and wondering if it is him or the relationship when in fact it might just be natural factors.


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    #21
    gemsgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭gemsgirl


    isthereawayback wrote: »
    Hi folks,

    Sex in my marriage has declined steadily since we had kids to the point now, 15 years on, that it is virtually non existent. Once every 3 months or so... but still on the decline. I'm the husband btw.

    I would like to know if anyone has managed to repair a sexless situation in their marriage and if so, what did you do to turn things around?
    I'm also interested to hear the experiences of people that didn't manage to turn it around.

    I am very aware that lack of sex is a symptom of other more fundamental problems that need to be repaired but I don't want to get into the low level details - I am interested in trying to get a feel for what kinds of things people have done to try and turn things around.

    Again, I would also like to hear about what doesn't/didn't work too.

    Sounds like my marriage....I'm a woman married 12 yrs and our sex life stopped about 2 yrs ago.
    I have had many conversations with my husband to try to fix it. He never had a big sex drive and as he got older it disappeared completely.
    So I have given up trying. We are just like housemates now, we get on well as friends, we look after the house and the children together but unfortunately that's it.
    I blamed myself for a long time but it's actually him not me. He got lazy and complacent in the marriage. If we could afford it I would definitely separate from him but with young children, mortgage etc this is not an option.
    I'm sorry I'm suppose to be giving you some good advice but to be honest I think many marriages ended up like this...but it sure as hell ain't nice is it!


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    #22
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    I would say this is very plausible. OP might be overthinking it and wondering if it is him or the relationship when in fact it might just be natural factors.

    She's getting it somewhere else Conor, don't kid yourself :D

    I don't mean the OP's wife. They need to sit down and talk about workloads, the sharing of household chores, childcare etc. A weekend away without the children would be a good idea, go to a destination that's not too much of a drive so they're not too wrecked when they get there.


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    #23
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Yieldcurve wrote: »
    Choresex is not a viable solution.

    When people are in a relationship they have a responsibility to each other. Some women seem to think that once they have snared the man and had a few children they can shut up shop and he has no right to complain about. I am a woman BTW. In a long term relationship there are times both partners won't always feel like sex but sometimes they should make the effort for the sake of the other person. If the person who is unwilling feels bad about themselves (ie excess weight, lack of fitness) the other partner should encourage and facilitate them to improve themselves - ie look after the children while their partner goes to the gym.


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    #24
    MartyMcFly84
    Registered Users Posts: 1,326 ✭✭✭MartyMcFly84


    I am female and in a pretty sexless marriage. I can’t offer any help but you have my sympathy.

    We used to have a very normal sex life, but my husband’s sex drive gradually decreased over the course of a few years. We don’t have kids, so no obvious reason there. He blamed stress (bull****, low stress job and I do everything for him). He refuses to speak to a doctor about it, blaming me for putting pressure on him and being sex obsessed. I absolutely am not.

    Initially I felt rejected, then confused and angry. He will wait until I am having my period to suggest sex and then recoils in horror when he is told.

    At this stage, I am done to be honest. I think that since intimacy dropped off, all other issues have grown and filled the void.

    Its very common for men to suffer from low testosterone, especially over the age of 35 it drops at steady rate.

    The major signs of this is fatigue, depression, and low sex drive. Many men accept its just middle age, but looking into testosterone replacement therapy can save marriages and add years of happiness to lives.


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    #25
    blue note
    Registered Users Posts: 4,506 ✭✭✭blue note


    isthereawayback wrote: »


    I am very aware that lack of sex is a symptom of other more fundamental problems that need to be repaired but I don't want to get into the low level details - I am interested in trying to get a feel for what kinds of things people have done to try and turn things around.

    From speaking to a few people about this I don't think that this is often the case at all. Just because there are problems elsewhere doesn't mean they're the cause of problems in the bedroom.

    I think the most common cause of a lack of intimacy is the woman losing interest. Yes it can also be the man losing interest, stress, lack of time / planning, one partner not finding the other or themsleves attractive, or lots of other reasons. But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty and doesn't raise the hurt it causes to the man.

    I had a girlfriend who essentially lost interest. We had lots of other problems, but that was a big one. I talked about it to her and tried a few things - not bringing it up so she doesn't feel pressured - nothing. I did all the cooking and cleaning anyway to be honest but I'd make sure the place was completely spotless - nothing. Arranging dates - she'd be tired after then and nothing would happen.

    We broke up in the end and the sex wasn't the main reason. But as regards that problem there was no fixing it. She wasn't interested and no amount of talking or efforts were going to have an effect. I think looking back that she enjoyed the control she exercised with sex rationing.


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    #26
    gemsgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭gemsgirl


    blue note wrote: »
    From speaking to a few people about this I don't think that this is often the case at all. Just because there are problems elsewhere doesn't mean they're the cause of problems in the bedroom.

    I think the most common cause of a lack of intimacy is the woman losing interest. Yes it can also be the man losing interest, stress, lack of time / planning, one partner not finding the other or themsleves attractive, or lots of other reasons. But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty and doesn't raise the hurt it causes to the man.

    I had a girlfriend who essentially lost interest. We had lots of other problems, but that was a big one. I talked about it to her and tried a few things - not bringing it up so she doesn't feel pressured - nothing. I did all the cooking and cleaning anyway to be honest but I'd make sure the place was completely spotless - nothing. Arranging dates - she'd be tired after then and nothing would happen.

    We broke up in the end and the sex wasn't the main reason. But as regards that problem there was no fixing it. She wasn't interested and no amount of talking or efforts were going to have an effect. I think looking back that she enjoyed the control she exercised with sex rationing.

    I have to say I totally agree with this.


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    #27
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    blue note wrote: »
    I think the most common cause of a lack of intimacy is the woman losing interest. Yes it can also be the man losing interest, stress, lack of time / planning, one partner not finding the other or themsleves attractive, or lots of other reasons. But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty and doesn't raise the hurt it causes to the man.

    This is quite a sweeping generalisation regarding women and their interest (or lack of) in sex.

    Is this based on any kind of scientific research or just your own experience with one woman that has coloured your opinion on it?


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    #28
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    blue note wrote: »
    But very often, the woman loses interest and doesn't regard it as a duty

    Sex shouldn't be considered a duty


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    #29
    blue note
    Registered Users Posts: 4,506 ✭✭✭blue note


    ....... wrote: »
    This is quite a sweeping generalisation regarding women and their interest (or lack of) in sex.

    Is this based on any kind of scientific research or just your own experience with one woman that has coloured your opinion on it?

    It's a scientific as any of the rest of the advice on the subject. It's based on

    My own experience
    Talking to friends about the subject, both male and female
    Reading countless threads on boards started by guys whose wife / gf has stopped wanting to have sex.

    It seems on here or on a radio discussion / newspaper article on the subject there's decent advice given; talking about it, going to a gp to make sure there's no physical problem, introducing date night, sharing the housework, buying flowers, etc. But the thing never mentioned and that's most commonly the problem as far as I can see is that the woman's sex drive is no longer as high, or she had more sex at the start of a relationship because she felt she should, but no longer feels she needs to.

    From talking to friends on the topic it's sometimes a not funny joke that you almost need to book in sex with missus or that a 12 pack of condoms is designed so that you get the year out of it. Or a couple of times it was a very serious discussion from guys who were fed up at being told to grow up or the like when they brought it up as a problem. But it seems very clear very few of us are happy with how often we have sex. I remember having a good conversation about it with my housemate a few years ago and she said that her and her friends talked about sex in long term relationships and largely agreed that it becomes a rare occurrence and that's fine with them. She specifically said that she wouldn't notice if she hadn't had sex in s couple of months whereas it seems to be a much bigger deal for guys.

    I just haven't seen anything that would contradict my opinion that this is a common problem, particularly that it is the woman who loses interest. Everything seems to dance around this fact and come up with solutions to when the problem is rooted in something else. But I haven't seen a solution to "my wife has a lower sex drive than me."

    The extra leg to the problem is often that the wife / gf doesn't regard it as a problem. So feel no need to address it.


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    #30
    Riskymove
    Registered Users Posts: 10,885 ✭✭✭✭Riskymove


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Sex shouldn't be considered a duty

    duty is the wrong word. it suggests that one partner should have sex whenever the other wants it even they don't want to at the time


    However, intimacy is a part of a relationship/being a couple. I think most people would understand it as being part and parcel of being together with someone you love. The impact on a partner of the other simply not wanting it at all, ever, is often underestimated.


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    #31
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Riskymove wrote: »
    duty is the wrong word. it suggests that one partner should have sex whenever the other wants it even they don't want to at the time


    However, intimacy is a part of a relationship/being a couple. I think most people would understand it as being part and parcel of being together with someone you love. The impact on a partner of the other simply not wanting it at all, ever, is often underestimated.

    I'm not disagreeing that a healthy relationship should involve intimacy.

    But having sex with your partner because they've made it clear you're obliged to, that's its your duty, it's just as unhealthy as a sexless relationship (I would consider it more unhealthy).

    Theres a problem that needs fixing, sex could be the symptom rather than the problem.


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