Hurt and confused

nthclare

I began a relationship around 4 months ago it was going ok but there was on issue.
She couldn't stop talking about her exe.
I let it go for a while.
She used to say how he ignored her a lot, they lived together like ships in the night.
She was coming home he'd be heading out to work.
Whenever he went away or out hed not respond to her messages and quite frankly she never knew where she stood with him.
She asked me am I consistent and the oposite to to him.
I said im not into endless texting but would reply when I can.
She pointed out that similarly to him i take a while texting back and it doesnt sit well with her.
So I understood her dilemma and I improoved my communication.
Im a bit of an alpha male but I didnt mind putting in more of an effort.
So if I was out and she text me id reply when watts app goes blue on her side, lets face it its not hard to say hi hun im good, great night looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.....
Anyhow she had a week away planned with her sister and I spent the weekend with her before her trip.
My ears were burrned from listening about her exe again, they split up 2 years ago, no kids or no baggage of splitting a house etc
It was a clean break.
Shed sit there like a zombie going on about him, funnily enough she had issues with family friends and her exes daughter...
Red flag lol
So anyhow we parted monday morning, she went to Portugal.....
I text her that evening.....nothing meanwhile she was updating Facebook and Instagram.
Left it a day so...she could settle in.
Thursday I text her again....nothing she got the message....
I was thinking whats going on ? she burrned my ear off about her exe, asked me for respect and i felt like a fool....
So I decided to message her on face book asking is everything ok ???
I got a very bland response, so i had a good think and basically mailed her explaining how id appreciate if she was honest with me about her feelings with her exe....2 years on and he was still on her Facebook profile pictures all cuddled up beside him smoochy kiss etc

She let rip at me and said how important he was in her life, I said lets cool off for two weeks...
She started crocodile tears ohhh no please dont I love what we have together and said she'll not speak about him again. Her sister told her to get a grip and enjoy her new guys company and domt be on about your baggage from the past....

Anyhow we made up and I said if tgis happens again im out of here....

Two months passed same started again I pointed out shes gone very hot and cold again etc...she went all cold and snappy, started to go on about him and how she blamed his 5 year old daughter for him spending quality time with her etc and it took her ages to forgive his daughter...
A resentment towards a father spending time with his daughter
basically told me shell ignore my texts if she wants....she doesn't have to reply etc.....

I was better off when I didnt go along with her as she seemed more uninterested when i played ball with her and more interested when I was independent and did my own thing...

Was I right to walk away from her ?

mazwell

Yes. She sounds like a complete head wreck and attention seeker. Block her off your phone and social media and move on, nobody needs that sort of drama and there are plenty of normal people out there.

Mr. Incognito

Was I right to walk away from her ?

No. You should have left sooner.

What a head melt.

Dont contact her again.

nthclare

I know i blame myself for not bolting when it happened the first time.

Fool me once......

Theres no compromise with princesses is there.

Im a bit rugged a kind of outdoorsy type, shes into vip lounges, the races and champers and Michelin Restaurants...

Im from old money shes middle class new money....

My female friends said as far as looks and personality she was punching well above her weight....

Sardonicat

nthclare wrote: »

started to go on about him and how she blamed his 5 year old daughter for him spending quality time with her etc and it took her ages to forgive his daughter...

Old money, new money or no money at all has no bearing on this type of this type of poison. Sadly, you'll find these hideous excuses for human beings hail from all social backgrounds. Were you right to walk away? Do you honestly have to ask? Good life lesson for you there. Next time you see these red flags in anyone, be they a potential life partner, business partner or friend, run.

nthclare

Sardonicat wrote: »

Old money, new money or no money at all has no bearing on this type of this type of poison. Sadly, you'll find these hideous excuses for human beings hail from all social backgrounds. Were you right to walk away? Do you honestly have to ask? Good life lesson for you there. Next time you see these red flags in anyone, be they a potential life partner, business partner or friend, run.

Thanks for the reply, yes understand where you are coming from....

Gaslighters narcissists have no boundaries....

I usually bolt in that scenario my mistake for my lack of emotional intellect.

Sardonicat

nthclare wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

Old money, new money or no money at all has no bearing on this type of this type of poison. Sadly, you'll find these hideous excuses for human beings hail from all social backgrounds. Were you right to walk away? Do you honestly have to ask? Good life lesson for you there. Next time you see these red flags in anyone, be they a potential life partner, business partner or friend, run.

Thanks for the reply, yes understand where you are coming from....

Gaslighters narcissists have no boundaries....

I usually bolt in that scenario my mistake for my lack of emotional intellect.

Dont beat yourself up. They're very, very good at what they do. You saw the signs, gave her a chance and when she reverted to type you followed through. I think you did well. Next time you're feeling confused because you're remembering the mask she wore to reel you in remind yourself what she thought of that little 5 year old child. That's who she really is.

nthclare

Sardonicat wrote: »

Dont beat yourself up. They're very, very good at what they do. You saw the signs, gave her a chance and when she reverted to type you followed through. I think you did well. Next time you're feeling confused because you're remembering the mask she wore to reel you in remind yourself what she thought of that little 5 year old child. That's who she really is.

Exactly, I felt sick after I heard that about her relationship with her exes kid...

Anyone who doesnt like kids are really messed up.
A sign they didn't enjoy their own childhood, and thats for sure

Mr. Incognito

shes into vip lounges, the races and champers and Michelin Restaurants...

In other words vacous and fake

Head wreck of the highest order.

Pelvis

nthclare wrote: »

Im a bit rugged a kind of outdoorsy type, shes into vip lounges, the races and champers and Michelin Restaurants...

Im from old money shes middle class new money....

My female friends said as far as looks and personality she was punching well above her weight....

nthclare wrote: »

Anyone who doesnt like kids are really messed up.
A sign they didn't enjoy their own childhood, and thats for sure

Old money? Do people actually speak like this? Is this Dallas? That's "old TV" if you don't get the reference. Are you still using punts?

Don't worry op, I'm sure your old money ruggedness will attract someone more suitable soon.

nthclare

Pelvis wrote: »

Old money? Do people actually speak like this? Is this Dallas? That's "old TV" if you don't get the reference. Are you still using punts?

Don't worry op, I'm sure your old money ruggedness will attract someone more suitable soon.

Thanks I really appreciate the feedback.
Itll help me sleep better tonight, and thanks for bringing back memories

Its nostslgic..

qwerty13

Pelvis wrote: »

Old money? Do people actually speak like this? Is this Dallas? That's "old TV" if you don't get the reference. Are you still using punts?

Don't worry op, I'm sure your old money ruggedness will attract someone more suitable soon.

To be fair OP, it comes across really badly re ‘old money’ versus ‘new’. As in you have snobby attitude towards her. That might not be the case, but it sounds really judgemental

qwerty13

nthclare wrote: »

Exactly, I felt sick after I heard that about her relationship with her exes kid...

Anyone who doesnt like kids are really messed up.
A sign they didn't enjoy their own childhood, and thats for sure

And that’s not fair, your comment re kids. Some people just plain aren’t into kids. It doesn’t mean that they’re less of a person. I’m not commenting re your ex and kids. But your comment is ‘really messed up’

firstlight

You done the right thing in my opinion
I would have been doing a runner myself once the constant ex talk started
Move on and keep enjoying the single life

nthclare

qwerty13 wrote: »

And that’s not fair, your comment re kids. Some people just plain aren’t into kids. It doesn’t mean that they’re less of a person. I’m not commenting re your ex and kids. But your comment is ‘really messed up’

Am hows my comment messed up ?

She was jealous of her exes 5 year old daughter taking up time she should be spending with her boyfriend....

I put kids first tbh

nthclare

qwerty13 wrote: »

To be fair OP, it comes across really badly re ‘old money’ versus ‘new’. As in you have snobby attitude towards her. That might not be the case, but it sounds really judgemental

I was giving our different back grounds as in the fact we were opposits in a lot of ways....

The physical attraction was bang on but other than that wed nothing else in common.

It was the other way round she was snobby towards me.....had no time for my friends etc

DONTMATTER

I think you should forget about her and move on. To be honest, reading here it looks like you both dodged a bullet.

Pelvis

nthclare wrote: »

Am hows my comment messed up ?

She was jealous of her exes 5 year old daughter taking up time she should be spending with her boyfriend....

I put kids first tbh

You commented that people who don't like kids are messed up, and "for sure" didn't like their child hood.

It's not a messed up comment, just a really stupid one.

nthclare

DONTMATTER wrote: »

I think you should forget about her and move on. To be honest, reading here it looks like you both dodged a bullet.

Actually I totally agree with you there.
Shes better off with a guy who'll accept her drama and gossip, because I havent any tollerence for that kind of thing.
It would have wound her up if I was rolling my eyes everytime she went off on a rant about her sisters, work colleagues and the elephant in the room.

Id listen if it was serious or someone was on her case or she had fears and worries, but she was taking peoples character etc

Hopefully she'll meet a guy who'll embrace it rather than feel like running to the hills.

We had good times together and she was generous in other ways and we laughed a lot.

I reached out and suggested we meet up for a coffee clear the air and move on with our lives....
Because I would have liked it to finish up in a way we could be able to say hello or be civil with one another.

Anyhow yes we both dodged a bullet

nthclare

Pelvis wrote: »

You commented that people who don't like kids are messed up, and "for sure" didn't like their child hood.

It's not a messed up comment, just a really stupid one.

I should have made it more clear, sorry I didnt mean it like that.
I know some people dont like kids thats ok too, it was just the way she talked about not liking kids that seemed malice rather than a casual Im not really into kids kind of thing...

Any how I wished her well and I think she knows I meant it....

Onwards and upwards..

Emme

nthclare wrote: »

Im a bit rugged a kind of outdoorsy type, shes into vip lounges, the races and champers and Michelin Restaurants...

So you're not compatible. She sounds like hard work and anyone who is jealous of a 5 year old child spending time with a parent is to be avoided like the plague.

There's no point in trying to end things in a civilised way with a drama queen (or king). They get off on drama and look for it everywhere. They don't do civilised endings.

nthclare wrote: »

Im from old money shes middle class new money....

Class shouldn't come in to it. If she was a no drama type into fitness and the outdoors and had well and truly forgotten her ex then we'd be advising you to hang on to her class or not. BTW I'm working class

nthclare wrote: »

My female friends said as far as looks and personality she was punching well above her weight....

Well of course your female friends are going to say that, maybe you should consider dating one of them if they're single

nthclare

Emme wrote: »

So you're not compatible. She sounds like hard work and anyone who is jealous of a 5 year old child spending time with a parent is to be avoided like the plague.

There's no point in trying to end things in a civilised way with a drama queen (or king). They get off on drama and look for it everywhere. They don't do civilised endings.



Class shouldn't come in to it. If she was a no drama type into fitness and the outdoors and had well and truly forgotten her ex then we'd be advising you to hang on to her class or not. BTW I'm working class



Well of course your female friends are going to say that, maybe you should consider dating one of them if they're single

I wouldn't date any of my female friends as Its a boundry I have.
I love them to bits and friendship us very important.

Im in my mid 40's and was very content before I was communicating with my exe

Lol I told her I was quite happily single and had nooooo interest in getting involved with anyone because my long term break up before was very painful she wasnt narcissistic or a drama queen, we just fell out of love, but it was hard on both of us. We broke up the mature way, tears and sadness etc no anger.

So anyhow the new lady was following me on instagram etc long story short I decided a coffee would be ok...no harm done etc

Then it took off from there, I had a few flings over the last year and red flags would arise and people said Im running away too fast.

Anyhow Its back to being happily single again....no pain no gain

Emme

nthclare wrote: »

I wouldn't date any of my female friends as Its a boundry I have.
I love them to bits and friendship us very important.

If you're happy single that's fine but many lasting relationships develop from friendships. I bet at least one of them fancies you and would date you if they thought you would reciprocate.

nthclare

Emme wrote: »

If you're happy single that's fine but many lasting relationships develop from friendships. I bet at least one of them fancies you and would date you if they thought you would reciprocate.

Thanks Emme

But I think its wise of me to give women a break for a while, its not like I dont want to meet someone.
Its just I need to get other parts of my life together, get the chainsaw out cut timber for the winter, prune back the shrubs.....

Explor my creative side etc

I had that freedom and I didnt listen to my gut, at least im free now so the worlds my oyster.

Im amazed and seen friends have break ups after maybe 3 months and they were worse than their marriages breaking up....

Aint nowt as queer as folk

WIZWEB

Gaslighting, silent treatment, triangulation with an ex, mood swings, blowing hot and cold, mindgames, attention seeking.

Sounds like a Narcissist.

Always right to escape their clutches.

nthclare

WIZWEB wrote: »

Gaslighting, silent treatment, triangulation with an ex, mood swings, blowing hot and cold, mindgames, attention seeking.

Sounds like a Narcissist.

Always right to escape their clutches.

Its quite easy to get away from them earlier on....They dont change or have a better time with rhe next guy or woman, they'll make it look that way.

Like a previous poster said just look back at what she thought of said exes daughter.

I remember two days before I walked out on her, she was off on a rant about her exe again....they were finished 2 years now.
Anyhow she said how awful it was and how she went for counceling after to get over her issues surrounding her exes daughter...

I was like bowled over and instantly said awww she's missing his exes kid thats tough detaching from a bond after 5 years....

How wrong was I when she said....oh no I went for counceling because I blamed the kid for him not giving me enough attention and every second weekend she was alone and he off entertaining his "beloved daughter" eyes rolling.... the hair stood up on the back of my neck....

I nearly puked into my breakfast....

It reminded me of the guy in clockwork orange in prison who found religion read the bible and fantasized about being one of the romans who whipped and tortured jesus....

Narcissests feed off people, whether youre a millionaire or working class they'll date you...
They'll pretend to love you, love bomb you and youll feel like omg this isnt right....

Then they start to nick at you subtly, when you're happy they'll be sad....or gloomy...

Usually after 12 weeks its in full swing...
The game is on...

Anybody here who thinks the narcissist that they dumped or were dumped by is happier and doing well without you is wrong.....theyll be just getting sicker and sicker....

Enjoy your lives without them because bless them they've a personality disorder and everybody is a target....

WIZWEB

OP I'm delighted you share an awareness of NPD. However you've my empathy for our shared experience with them. A trait they lack. The average person reading about NPD on here luckily has never experienced it so it appears an alien concept to them. Yet is is quite common just misunderstood and tragically often by the professionals that could aid recovery. One Facebook Narc survivor group I'm in has over 65,000 members!

Thankfully when you learn about this disorder Narcs share so many traits and they become much easier to avoid. Both Overt and covert. Unfortunately dysfunctional early childhood experiences often attracts us to them initially as does them to us. When the evidence hits you in the face like you outlined we have to challenge our cognitive dissonance and face facts. Narcs are all about attention (supply). We can be rich or poor as you say, varying looks or whatever but we're only invited along to their fantasy to provide a role of feeding their precious delicate egos. They will always latch on to the next source of supply to feed their never ending addIction or live in the fantasy of getting that ultimate high again. Unfortunately some ex's never heal and will be hoovered again if they don't maintain complete No Contact. He may or may not fall for the lovebombing but she'll be back chasing you if not or back after growing bored and initiating a discard. The very fact she pines for him so much is that he was once an excellent source of supply. A doormat in essence. Believe me I can't judge. That is his only real redeeming quality in her eyes. Well done you on implementing boundaries and making your escape. It's tough though as we fell in love with their projected illusions. Ensure you take time to heal to recover and stay away from this insanity.

My experience with one was almost four years. Again you're right that over time we become enmeshed in their madness. We bond to them through trauma. The constant highs and lows makes us addicted too.

No they don't change. They often get worse as they learn new tricks. It was months before my idealization phase turned to devaluation. Actually around the twelve weeks you speak of but different for every victim (now survivor). Of course I remained in denial for a long time while it got much worse. I've warned the new supply who informed me of some serious mindf**kery three weeks into their new relationship. The fact he was discussing this with me in the first place displays a lack of personal boundaries and you and I know that Narcs love that. Also he's not long out of an abusive relationship so a perfect target through the lovebombing and future faking. My ex Narc I learned is now completely addicted to Coke which the new target has minimized the problems that will ensue. Obviously ingratiated to his new role as fixer like I once was! He said he will leave. Even his mother warned him too but I'm since blocked. Not that I was going to communicate long to be triangulated. Most likely I'm now smeared as the jealous toxic ex. Even though I escaped the relationship! The new supply informed me that I like a previous ex has been painted in negative terms. Apparently I was really controlling! Reality was I was a complete doormat for falling in love with an illusion and very tolerant of many forms of abuse. Anyway both I and the ex before me needed counseling after our experience with The Narc and so it continues. The new supply will learn as you and I have OP. I only hope I planted a seed for him and the occasional reader here of my monologues to prevent what you and I have experienced.

nthclare

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP I'm delighted you share an awareness of NPD. However you've my empathy for our shared experience with them. A trait they lack. The average person reading about NPD on here luckily has never experienced it so it appears an alien concept to them. Yet is is quite common just misunderstood and tragically often by the professionals that could aid recovery. One Facebook Narc survivor group I'm in has over 65,000 members!

Thankfully when you learn about this disorder Narcs share so many traits and they become much easier to avoid. Both Overt and covert. Unfortunately dysfunctional early childhood experiences often attracts us to them initially as does them to us. When the evidence hits you in the face like you outlined we have to challenge our cognitive dissonance and face facts. Narcs are all about attention (supply). We can be rich or poor as you say, varying looks or whatever but we're only invited along to their fantasy to provide a role of feeding their precious delicate egos. They will always latch on to the next source of supply to feed their never ending addIction or live in the fantasy of getting that ultimate high again. Unfortunately some ex's never heal and will be hoovered again if they don't maintain complete No Contact. He may or may not fall for the lovebombing but she'll be back chasing you if not or back after growing bored and initiating a discard. The very fact she pines for him so much is that he was once an excellent source of supply. A doormat in essence. Believe me I can't judge. That is his only real redeeming quality in her eyes. Well done you on implementing boundaries and making your escape. It's tough though as we fell in love with their projected illusions. Ensure you take time to heal to recover and stay away from this insanity.

My experience with one was almost four years. Again you're right that over time we become enmeshed in their madness. We bond to them through trauma. The constant highs and lows makes us addicted too.

No they don't change. They often get worse as they learn new tricks. It was months before my idealization phase turned to devaluation. Actually around the twelve weeks you speak of but different for every victim (now survivor). Of course I remained in denial for a long time while it got much worse. I've warned the new supply who informed me of some serious mindf**kery three weeks into their new relationship. The fact he was discussing this with me in the first place displays a lack of personal boundaries and you and I know that Narcs love that. Also he's not long out of an abusive relationship so a perfect target through the lovebombing and future faking. My ex Narc I learned is now completely addicted to Coke which the new target has minimized the problems that will ensue. Obviously ingratiated to his new role as fixer like I once was! He said he will leave. Even his mother warned him too but I'm since blocked. Not that I was going to communicate long to be triangulated. Most likely I'm now smeared as the jealous toxic ex. Even though I escaped the relationship! The new supply informed me that I like a previous ex has been painted in negative terms. Apparently I was really controlling! Reality was I was a complete doormat for falling in love with an illusion and very tolerant of many forms of abuse. Anyway both I and the ex before me needed counseling after our experience with The Narc and so it continues. The new supply will learn as you and I have OP. I only hope I planted a seed for him and the occasional reader here of my monologues to prevent what you and I have experienced.

I know all about it.

Thats why i didnt wrestle with the pig, because youll get dirty and the pig likes that.

And if you wrestle long enough with the pig people wont know the difference between the wrestler and the pig...

You'll be up to your neck in **** before its soo deep you'll just sink and die....

This happens to me nearly every 5 years...
I drop my guard and forget the warning signs.

My last long term partner cheated on me but I left her and forgave her...

She was very sweet and nowhere near a narc, she just had a weak moment and got laid one night, we were falling out of love anyhow so I didnt think she was doing it to get at me.

We bump into each other around once every 3 months at a coffee shop we both frequent.

Well have a coffee and chat about work, camping and family etc
Just a non walking on eggshells conversation.

You'll always know the difference a narc is deceptively clever and has a look about them, a sideways look you know what I mean.

TheShow

Sounds like the best decision you ever made. She sounds like a complete bunny boiler.

I can see why her ex boyfriend didn’t text her back.

Purple Mountain

nthclare wrote: »

I know i blame myself for not bolting when it happened the first time.

Fool me once......

Theres no compromise with princesses is there.

Im a bit rugged a kind of outdoorsy type, shes into vip lounges, the races and champers and Michelin Restaurants...

Im from old money shes middle class new money....

My female friends said as far as looks and personality she was punching well above her weight....

While I agree that you should run a mile..especially if she still has his profile picture on Facebook, the above post from you makes you sound very arrogant.
Maybe you're both rid of each other?

nthclare

Purple Mountain wrote: »

While I agree that you should run a mile..especially if she still has his profile picture on Facebook, the above post from you makes you sound very arrogant.
Maybe you're both rid of each other?

Well we probably are well rid....

It sounds arrogant to you and loads more, I was a bit raw when I wrote that I was just giving our back grounds.

I was saying it was nothing to do with different classes, we were just coming from a different direction.

I think you're wrong with your judgement.

Ill rephrase that, im from the Flaggyshore shes from Birr....

Ill take it back about the money thing.

Will I change it, if it'll make you think im not arrogant ?