Uncertain and confused

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punisher5112

You should insist he get an sti check, drug test and counciling for the drink at the very least.

amdublin

Your sound like a really good person.
Your husband sounds like a complete wastrel.

I think your plan is good. Who knows maybe he will change.

I know you say August, but I would also have a contingency prepared e.g he is "good" between now and August, and then October things goes back to his routine of benders. Be ready with your plan for the first sign of bad.

Good luck op. Look after yourself in the meantime. Is there anyone you can talk with about your circumstance - Your GP or a counsellor??

I posted before on this thread, about the perspective of being a child in a very similar scenario. Please consider what I said. There are long time effects for kids with dads like this.

TheBlock

Good Luck OP, I hope it all works out for you and the Kids. I would also agree that there should be no end date to his improved behaviour one slip and you MUST follow through. He needs to know that you are serious and an line has been drawn in the sand.

kylith

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

My husband is not an alcoholic. He is not verbally abusive in the home and they are not exposed to drunken behaviour.

Do you really think he is not an alcoholic when he vanishes for days on binges? Do you really think that your children aren’t exposed to ‘drunken behaviour’ when daddy is rolling in from the pub at cock-crow and passing out on the couch?

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dr.fuzzenstein

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Personally I think you should turf him out on the curb with immediate effect and let him go to one of his drinking buddies.
And I also think his return is because he had a bit on the side and it's not worked out and now he's coming back to you with these excuses.

I don't think throway, "badass" phrases like that are helpful.
OP, make up your own mind and don't mind trash posts like that.

professore

My sister-in-law is married to a guy like your husband. He is a great guy, fun to be around and everyone likes him, but like your husband he can disappear on benders from time to time. His wife is also a lovely woman that I get on very well with. Looking at the dynamics of their relationship, I will make the following observations to you:

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

With all due respect your situation and how you were brought up is a world away from my childrens. My husband is not an alcoholic.

This is exactly what my sister-in-law says. Word for word. It's not true. He is an alcoholic and everyone can see it. It's not normal for a married man to go on an all day or overnight drinking session.

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

He is not verbally abusive in the home and they are not exposed to drunken behaviour.

Neither is my brother-in-law. I'm not sure how old your kids are exactly but the kids know when to stay away from Daddy from a very young age and once they get to even 7 or 8 they know there is something odd about their dad. When they get to 11 or 12 they will know exactly what is wrong with him, better than you do. Is that the example of manhood you want them to see and either look for in a partner (girls) or copy in their own relationships (boys)?

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

He has been inconsiderate in not contacting me and staying out. I am aware that kids pick up on things of course they do but the times he was on the couch my daughter thinks it was due to the heat upstairs.

This may be true if your daughter is younger but as she gets older your daughter will say things like this to appease you - as you probably won't entertain the alternative. I can tell you from personal experience going through some "secret" arguments with my wife that our eldest daughter (7 onwards) knew full well what was going on at the time. I know because she is now 20 and she told me recently. Kids are VERY perceptive of their parents. Even their moods. Even things like "dad is always in a bad mood when mom is there and mom pretends everything is perfect all the time".

I think it's positive you have set an ultimatum. Stick to it.

Helpmeimback

Im back. Had deleted my account hoping the whole thing would go away. Had to sign up again. Well after him trying to make things better he disappeared again for days. I packed his bags. He has been gone a week. He left us.

Big Bag of Chips

He'll be back. Crying. When he realises that others aren't going to let him just arse around the place. He'll realise how 'good' he had it, and will be back with loads of promises.

I hope you have good friends and family support. I think this is only the start of it.

seanrambo87

Helpmeplease18 wrote:

He's a good dad otherwise and i know he loves me but im not sure what is going on inside his head. He lost his business a while ago and was hugely stressed but seems to be settled back in a job with no big responsibilities like before. Its like he prioritizes other things when i should come before them. I dont know whether to just say nothing and let him walk away or fight for our marriage. The fact of him saying he thinks id be better off without him and he wants to seperate but not hurt anybody, im not sure how serious he is about it. Its impossible to tell. After 20 years i still am none the wiser

IMO, if he's a good man you should fight to keep a good relationship together, we all go off the rails every now and again, only you know whether the relationship is worth salvaging, and if there are kids involved I'd urge you to try, unless he's permanently toxic, only you know the answer.

MissShihTzu

I am so sorry to see this, but sadly not surprised. It must be an awful shock, but pat yourself on the back for following through on your plan, and not putting up with any more crap. You knew you and your kids are worth so much more.

First thing Monday, get legal advice. Second? Counselling for you and possibly the kids.

Stay strong, OP. The best of luck to you all.

Helpmeimback

seanrambo87 wrote: »

Helpmeplease18 wrote:

He's a good dad otherwise and i know he loves me but im not sure what is going on inside his head. He lost his business a while ago and was hugely stressed but seems to be settled back in a job with no big responsibilities like before. Its like he prioritizes other things when i should come before them. I dont know whether to just say nothing and let him walk away or fight for our marriage. The fact of him saying he thinks id be better off without him and he wants to seperate but not hurt anybody, im not sure how serious he is about it. Its impossible to tell. After 20 years i still am none the wiser

IMO, if he's a good man you should fight to keep a good relationship together, we all go off the rails every now and again, only you know whether the relationship is worth salvaging, and if there are kids involved I'd urge you to try, unless he's permanently toxic, only you know the answer.

He doesnt want to try. Hes gone. He walked out on us. Hasnt contacted me since or children seen our children. Going off the rails and raising three young children do not correspond well together in my idea of parenting. Disappearing for days does not either. He is paying maintenance electronically and i am receiving a supplementary allowance since last week. Im on my own now. I tried and tried but it wasnt to be.

Helpmeimback

Ive counselling session later next week God knows I need it. Even though ive a big family and friend support system its good to talk to people who are not linked.

seanrambo87

Helpmeimback wrote:

He doesnt want to try. Hes gone. He walked out on us. Hasnt contacted me since or children seen our children. Going off the rails and raising three young children do not correspond well together in my idea of parenting. Disappearing for days does not either. He is paying maintenance electronically and i am receiving a supplementary allowance since last week. Im on my own now. I tried and tried but it wasnt to be.

I grew up without a father. Honestly it affected me, bad, but I realise now that the only good thing I ever had was my mother, that's your strong card. I grew up idolising my father but I'm a man now and I recognise what my mam did for me, she shaped me and that's what you'll do for your boys, if he abandoned your lads he will grow to resent himself, you need to do what's right by you and yours, I believe you are good, just be good to the men you will shape

seanrambo87

*or women

seanrambo87

<Snip>

::::::Requesting/Offering PMs. Please read::::::

Big Bag of Chips

seanrambo87, I have snipped your last post. Please read the link I added and also read the Forum Charter. Due to the nature of posts in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues, it is a heavily moderated forum.

Dial Hard

MissShihTzu wrote:

I am so sorry to see this, but sadly not surprised. It must be an awful shock, but pat yourself on the back for following through on your plan, and not putting up with any more crap. You knew you and your kids are worth so much more.

She didn't follow through on her plan, he walked out. I suspect if he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow he'd be welcomed back with open arms and a vague and utterly toothless warning not to do the same thing again or the "plan" is back in action.

OP, this man has done you a huge favour. You were never, ever going to ask him to leave. Everyone here knew that. So by taking the choice out of your hands, he has actually given you a gift. I only hope he has the decency to stay gone.

Get legal advice. Get counselling. And if I were you, I'd get angry. This man has wasted 20 years of your life and made a complete fool of you time and again. Anger is your friend now, particularly when he comes crawling back, as I suspect he might. You need to be as strong as you can when that happens.

seanrambo87

seanrambo87 wrote:

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

. Due to the nature of posts in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues, it is a heavily moderated forum.

Fair enough, my bad.

Helpmeimback

Dial Hard wrote: »

MissShihTzu wrote:

I am so sorry to see this, but sadly not surprised. It must be an awful shock, but pat yourself on the back for following through on your plan, and not putting up with any more crap. You knew you and your kids are worth so much more.

She didn't follow through on her plan, he walked out. I suspect if he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow he'd be welcomed back with open arms and a vague and utterly toothless warning not to do the same thing again or the "plan" is back in action.

OP, this man has done you a huge favour. You were never, ever going to ask him to leave. Everyone here knew that. So by taking the choice out of your hands, he has actually given you a gift. I only hope he has the decency to stay gone.

Get legal advice. Get counselling. And if I were you, I'd get angry. This man has wasted 20 years of your life and made a complete fool of you time and again. Anger is your friend now, particularly when he comes crawling back, as I suspect he might. You need to be as strong as you can when that happens.

Well you suspect wrong, he would not be welcomed with open arms. Im disgusted with him.

Big Bag of Chips

Keep that thought in mind, OP. He cried. He promised. He made you feel sorry for him. He made you feel responsible for him. He has used and abused your soft nature for years.

He will be back. Make no mistake about that. He will be back, and he will be crying. He will tell you how messed up his life is and how he has lost everything good in his life. How messed up he is. How much he wants to get help. How much he loves you. How much he misses his children (who I assume haven't seen or heard from him in over a week either?).

Be ready for it, because it will be laid on thicker than you've ever experienced before.

Helpmeimback

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Keep that thought in mind, OP. He cried. He promised. He made you feel sorry for him. He made you feel responsible for him. He has used and abused your soft nature for years.

He will be back. Make no mistake about that. He will be back, and he will be crying. He will tell you how messed up his life is and how he has lost everything good in his life. How messed up he is. How much he wants to get help. How much he loves you. How much he misses his children (who I assume haven't seen or heard from him in over a week either?).

Be ready for it, because it will be laid on thicker than you've ever experienced before.

He hasnt seen or asked about the kids. They are asking for him. Im so angry.

Big Bag of Chips

As others have said, remember that anger. Because he will be back. And he will use the children as leverage. He will make every excuse not to see them, or excuses why he has to cancel seeing them, then if ever it doesn't suit you that he sees them at a particular time you will be accused of not letting him see his children etc.

So far he has been text book of manchild alcoholics who don't want to grow up and cop on. He's not going to grow up and cop on any time soon.

His behaviour is really damaging to your children. And it will continue to be. And worse, when he offers them scraps they will grab it. And when he's not around you are likely to get the brunt of their anger and upset. My friend is separated from someone who started off like your husband. They're separated 4 years now and he rarely sees them. Then blames her for him not seeing them. Even though he cancels 'sick' (hungover/drugged) more often than not. Sometimes she does have to stop him seeing them because she knows he has been on a bender. But, the kids take all their frustration out on her. Her daughter in particular is very very angry. But she will not open her mouth to him. Because she takes whatever scraps he throws her way, and she is terrified if she gets angry with him he will disappear and she won't see him again. It's safer to get angry at her mam.

Selfish people with no consideration for the people they are responsible too.