Uncertain and confused

Helpmeplease18

So after being in a relationship for 20 years and married for almost half of them i find myself at a loss of what to do next. My husband was always pretty wild but had calmed down a good bit with age etc. We have young children. Communication is and always has been a huge issue. He is quiet and i am outgoing and more expressive of how im feeling. He would lack a lot of communication and it has always frustrated me but this is his nature. For instance he would be supposed to come see me and would go out and not ring me and have me waiting all day. This went on and hed apologise and it would be ok. Then we got married and it calmed down a lot. Throughout our relationship he has drank alcohol a lot. Not an alcoholic but would enjoy a binge every weekend. A month ago he went out to the shop and disappeared for days. I was very worried and rang the gardai etc. He arrived home having been on a session of drink and cocaine. I was naturally upset and relieved at the same time. He has a close friend the past year who is single and this guy is who he goes out with to the pub. I know him years hes sound enough. Last weekend he drank so much while i was away and let me come home to an absolute pigsty. He saw nothing wrong when i challenged him on the utter state of our home and blamed me for calling the gardai the time he went missing saying i should have known hed be ok??? Anyway he has just arrived home from work after staying away for 2 days. I asked him whats going on in his head lately is he not happy because his actions dont show he is and he said he thinks we should seperate and hes going to look for a room? He said he sort of felt this way but didnt want to hurt any of us. Not sure what to think. If hes serious or what should i do. Its like he is lost.

Airyfairy12

What should you do? Help him pack and go get some counselling for your low self esteem. Are you mad putting up with that for 20 years? No one is worth that, I dont care how much you love them. Good riddance to him.

Helpmeplease18

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

What should you do? Help him pack and go get some counselling for your low self esteem. Are you mad putting up with that for 20 years? No one is worth that, I dont care how much you love them. Good riddance to him.

He's a good dad otherwise and i know he loves me but im not sure what is going on inside his head. He lost his business a while ago and was hugely stressed but seems to be settled back in a job with no big responsibilities like before. Its like he prioritizes other things when i should come before them. I dont know whether to just say nothing and let him walk away or fight for our marriage. The fact of him saying he thinks id be better off without him and he wants to seperate but not hurt anybody, im not sure how serious he is about it. Its impossible to tell. After 20 years i still am none the wiser

Airyfairy12

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

He's a good dad otherwise and i know he loves me but im not sure what is going on inside his head. He lost his business a while ago and was hugely stressed but seems to be settled back in a job with no big responsibilities like before. Its like he prioritizes other things when i should come before them. I dont know whether to just say nothing and let him walk away or fight for our marriage. The fact of him saying he thinks id be better off without him and he wants to seperate but not hurt anybody, im not sure how serious he is about it. Its impossible to tell. After 20 years i still am none the wiser

Good dads dont disappear for days to go on drinking benders with their single friends leaving their family at home worried sick. Does he love you or is the relationship convenient for him? If he didnt want to hurt anybody, then he wouldnt treat you the way he does. He clearly doesnt care.

firstlight

Dont comment on these things usually,doesn't sound like a bad fella just probably lost In his own head,more than likely needs councilling like most people these days,myself included.self medicating with drink,can't imagine he is happy though.I would encourage him to seek help and as for yourself you deserve 100 times better than what your getting.Perhaps get some help too,talk to someone outside the family or friends.The break will probably be the best thing for the both of you,wish you both all the best

Big Bag of Chips

If he hasn't grown up in 20 years, and in fact seems to be getting worse, then it's not looking good. You say he's not an alcoholic, it sounds like he is. An alcoholic doesn't have to be drinking a bottle of vodka before work. An alcoholic prioritises drink above other things and people in their life. He disappears for days on end in drink and drugs binges. Yet you seem to think it's not that bad. Would you even consider disappearing for a few days on a drink and drugs binge?

He is getting worse, and unlikely to magically turn himself around. Your children need to be your priority. They are certainly not his. And do not underestimate the affect this is having, and will have on them as they get older and realise what is going on. He wants to live the life of a single man. He is doing it anyway, but having you worried sick and picking up his slack with your children. Let him go to live the single life, he is only going one direction anyway. And you will be better off not having to deal with the constant aftermath of his drinking.

If he leaves, he absolutely should contribute to his children's upbringing, both financially and practically. I wouldn't hold out much hope for either, to be honest.

punisher5112

Op that ain't a loving husband or father.

Wow he really is acting like a spoilt teen and has used you as a mother figure so it's handy for him having you do everything for him.

20 years you say..... You also say he has pretty much been this way all along....


It's time to look for a divorce and look after your children and of course yourself.

He most likely has someone else as the way he disappears and goes missing for days not just a few hours.

What father would do that to their kids and what husband would dream of doing it or even think he would get away with it.

Op stop dreaming he has absolutely 0% respect for you or the kids.

That's shocking to be honest and I hope you show him the door before he gets one over on you and goes himself without even telling you.

Don't waste another 20 years seriously as he won't be there for you or the kids.

nikkibikki

Putting up with this is doing you, and more importantly your kids, no favours. It's giving them a warped view of relationships. You are teaching them that this treatment from a partner is acceptable.

Being a good Dad outside of this behaviour means nothing. This behaviour makes him a bad Dad.

Yes he may have addiction and/or mental health issues. But these are not up to you to fix. As his wife, you can support him but nobody can make him do it.

Marriage and parenting should be about teamwork. You seem to be the only one who cares about holding it all together, but for teamwork to work, it needs you both to want it.

Can you speak to Al Anon? They are an organisation to support family members of alcoholics. Not saying he def is but I think it's worth having a chat with them.

Don't let him ridicule your feelings. Of course you'd be worried when he doesn't come home. That's normal! Your feelings are important.

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punisher5112

Op have you close family that you could talk to??

Hope everything works out for you but I'm sure you know where the marriage is going.

Hopefully you will see this isn't right and get sorted.

Helpmeplease18

punisher5112 wrote: »

Op have you close family that you could talk to??

Hope everything works out for you but I'm sure you know where the marriage is going.

Hopefully you will see this isn't right and get sorted.

Hi yes I have friends to confide in and talk to. We spoke earlier today he refuses to go to counselling because he wont speak to a stranger about issues. He doesn't believe in counselling which is unfortunate. He said he hasnt treated me properly and that it is best of he moves out. He wants to ser the kids everyday which of course i agree with and would never deny him. He said he hadnt changed his ways in all these years and probably wont. Our conversation was very civil. He has gone out now. Its good he recognises and admits theres something very wrong. Im just so sorry that i couldn't have done more but i tried my best. He will be on his own. This saddens me but i need to cop on and toughen up a bit im way too soft.

MissShihTzu

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

Hi yes I have friends to confide in and talk to. We spoke earlier today he refuses to go to counselling because he wont speak to a stranger about issues. He doesn't believe in counselling which is unfortunate. He said he hasnt treated me properly and that it is best of he moves out. He wants to ser the kids everyday which of course i agree with and would never deny him. He said he hadnt changed his ways in all these years and probably wont. Our conversation was very civil. He has gone out now. Its good he recognises and admits theres something very wrong. Im just so sorry that i couldn't have done more but i tried my best. He will be on his own. This saddens me but i need to cop on and toughen up a bit im way too soft.

You poor thing! What a mess. FWIW I think he's given up too easily, if you see what I mean. Very noble of him to 'take the blame' but I think there's something else going on here. Either he wants the space to get off his head on drink and drugs without you asking questions, or I am sorry to say, there's someone else. Either way, this isn't looking good.

I think you should let him leave. Let him leave, allow him to see the children but on the strict proviso he's stone cold sober when he comes, and he sticks to his word when he is coming to see the kids and the time. He must also pay maintenance, and continue to pay the mortgage/rent.

How are the finances? Are the bills up to date, do you have a lot of debt?

Meanwhile - two jobs for you. Get legal advice and get counselling. In that order.

I hope it works out for you and most importantly your kids. They are also the victims in this.

Sardonicat

Is he going to see the kids every day except for the days he doesn't show up cos he's on a days long bender?

OP, please get some counselling to try and get some clarity here. Maybe Al Anon would be a good place to start. Why are you feeling so sorry for him? He's been treating you like sh1t for years yet somehow he's the victim? I hate to sound harsh, OP, and I mean this kindly; your husband has done a number on your head. You need to get yourself sorted for you and your kids. Stop worrying about him.

Helpmeplease18

Sardonicat wrote: »

Is he going to see the kids every day except for the days he doesn't show up cos he's on a days long bender?

OP, please get some counselling to try and get some clarity here. Maybe Al Anon would be a good place to start. Why are you feeling so sorry for him? He's been treating you like sh1t for years yet somehow he's the victim? I hate to sound harsh, OP, and I mean this kindly; your husband has done a number on your head. You need to get yourself sorted for you and your kids. Stop worrying about him.

I normally am not the type of person to take any sh!t off anybody so i hope im not painting a picture of some little wallflower. Yeah i do feel sorry for him because hes about to lose the only person on this earth who could put up with him and he cant see it. He seems unable to push himself to sort out his issues and make things right once and for all. I love him and probably always will. You don't spend over half your life with someone and suddenly not care anymore. It wouldnt hurt so much if i didnt love him. And i guess it hurts that he os on a completely different page to me. There have been very good times through the years and he has supported me through difficult times. I think he is very very complex and in his own head. Hard to reach him emotionally hes like a rock. He welled up earlier talking about the kids. I may just let him go and i will have to be strong. Ive a great family and friends who i can always lean on and count on.

Sardonicat

Why did you put up with him when no-one else would? Did you think you had to? Your relationship sounds extremely co-dependent. I really feel you would benefit hugely from counselling/Al Anon.
I know you're hurting OP, and that this is very difficult for you. I wish you and your children all the best.

Helpmeplease18

Sardonicat wrote: »

Why did you put up with him when no-one else would? Did you think you had to? Your relationship sounds extremely co-dependent. I really feel you would benefit hugely from counselling/Al Anon.
I know you're hurting OP, and that this is very difficult for you. I wish you and your children all the best.

I stood by him because i love him. I also always believed marriage should be worked at but impossible when one of us wont go to counselling. I will let him go. Not asking him to stay. Will leave things as they are amd hope for the best outcome.

MissShihTzu

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

I stood by him because i love him. I also always believed marriage should be worked at but impossible when one of us wont go to counselling. I will let him go. Not asking him to stay. Will leave things as they are amd hope for the best outcome.

The best outcome is one that suits you and your kids. NOT him!

Stay strong, OP and good luck. Remember -your kids need you and your strength now. Don't waste it on hubby.

Helpmeplease18

Hes been gone since 4. Youd think hed stick around if he was bothered. He will roll home later and sleep on the couch where hes been sleeping all week.

MissShihTzu

Let him. Don't wake him, don't make food for him. Do nothing. When he rolls in, tell him STFU as the kids are sleeping!!

Speak to him when things calm down and tell him he must leave. He cannot continue to use your home as a convenient base, and you as a doormat to wipe his feet on!

Sardonicat

You need help, OP. For your children's sake please seek it.

Helpmeplease18

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Let him. Don't wake him, don't make food for him. Do nothing. When he rolls in, tell him STFU as the kids are sleeping!!

Speak to him when things calm down and tell him he must leave. He cannot continue to use your home as a convenient base, and you as a doormat to wipe his feet on!

Hes waiting on a place to stay and he will go

Helpmeplease18

Sardonicat wrote: »

You need help, OP. For your children's sake please seek it.

Thats why im getting advice here. Ive also looked into counselling for me. To help me deal with it.

Sardonicat

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

You need help, OP. For your children's sake please seek it.

Thats why im getting advice here. Ive also looked into counselling for me. To help me deal with it.

That's great. I know it must seem like an impossible mountain to climb but you'll get there, one small step at a time.
It's going to be very difficult for you to move forward as long as he's staying in your home engaging in the same old behaviour. Give him a deadline that he has to be gone by. If hasn't found a place by then that ain't your problem. Keep in mind he finds places to dissappear to for days on end. Maybe he could stay there til he finds a place?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, be prepared for a row. He might realise that he has a cushy number, and this place he's waiting for might never materialise. Then he'll start telling you it's his house, and why should he leave. The reality of what will happen when he moves out will start to hit him. He'll have to pay rent. He'll have to behave in some sort of reasonable manner. He will have to cook for himself, clean up after himself, do his own washing, shopping. As you said yourself he's leaving the one person who will put up with him.

I don't know what options you have when that happens. But if you pick a date he has to be moved out by keep that date in mind. As someone else said, he has somewhere he can disappear to every so often. So let him go sleep on a friend's couch.

Just prepare yourself for things to turn nasty.

Helpmeplease18

He arrived home at 6am i heard him come in. Did shopping for our house too and brought them home with him. Currently asleep on the couch.

nikkibikki

Helpmeplease18 wrote:

He arrived home at 6am i heard him come in. Did shopping for our house too and brought them home with him. Currently asleep on the couch.

What a lovely sight for your children to wake up to.

punisher5112

Brought them home? Bit confused here and who shopped?

amdublin

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

He arrived home at 6am i heard him come in. Did shopping for our house too and brought them home with him. Currently asleep on the couch.

Did he do the shopping in the petrol station at 6am??

Or did he do grocery shopping in lidl and then bring it all to the pub for a session. I can only imagine the state of the frozen food.

I'm not sure. Do you see rolling in at 6am with shopping as a good thing or a bad thing?? I could be mistaken but I detect a little bit of "god bless his heart he did the shopping".

For what it's worth op, as someone who was a kid in a similar scenario (father who binge drank every month, but a good dad in between): kids see it. And they worry. They worry when dad is drinking. They worry when he is not, thinking about when is the next drinking session. And it leaves them with effects for the rest of their life.

If he is such a good dad let him be that from his "room" he is going off to get.
From.my perspective he's not a good dad. And he's definitely not a good husband.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Good luck op

Helpmeplease18

punisher5112 wrote: »

Brought them home? Bit confused here and who shopped?

Sorry i mean he picked up bags of food on his way home this morning. Must have been from a petrol station he bought them.

Helpmeplease18

amdublin wrote: »

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

He arrived home at 6am i heard him come in. Did shopping for our house too and brought them home with him. Currently asleep on the couch.

Did he do the shopping in the petrol station at 6am??

Or did he do grocery shopping in lidl and then bring it all to the pub for a session. I can only imagine the state of the frozen food.

I'm not sure. Do you see rolling in at 6am with shopping as a good thing or a bad thing?? I could be mistaken but I detect a little bit of "god bless his heart he did the shopping".

For what it's worth op, as someone who was a kid in a similar scenario (father who binge drank every month, but a good dad in between): kids see it. And they worry. They worry when dad is drinking. They worry when he is not, thinking about when is the next drinking session. And it leaves them with effects for the rest of their life.

If he is such a good dad let him be that from his "room" he is going off to get.
From.my perspective he's not a good dad. And he's definitely not a good husband.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Good luck op

No im not saying its a good thing at all. Its bizarre. Must have been from a petrol station. I can hear him rising he must be about to get up.

iamwhoiam

The poor kids , living in this chaotic turmoil of uncertainty .OP they are your priority and their little heads needs to be at peace and not seeing their father come and go like that . Kids need stability and my heart goes out to them and you

Helpmeplease18

iamwhoiam wrote: »

The poor kids , living in this chaotic turmoil of uncertainty .OP they are your priority and their little heads needs to be at peace and not seeing their father come and go like that . Kids need stability and my heart goes out to them and you

Yes you are right they are 100% my priority. Always will be.

iamwhoiam

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

Yes you are right they are 100% my priority. Always will be.

And they will be fine with a strong Mum who will protect them . Stay strong

Helpmeplease18

So i spoke to him yesterday after him being gone for 24 hours. He said hes not happy and hasnt been for a while. He has options of places to stay to look at this week. I said this sleeping on the couch and rolling in cannot continue as its unhealthy and a bad example. He agreed. Hes asleep now on the couch. I cant believe hes given up so quickly on his family

nikkibikki

That's on him OP, not on you. You can't change him or make him do anything.

It's totally possible to not be happy and discuss separation whilst still being a considerate father setting a good example. He is not doing this. He sounds very self centred.

Magicmatilda

The end of a relationship is never easy, especially with kids involved. There will ne tough days ahead, but you are doing the right thing OP.

TheBoyConor

He sounds like he's having a mental breakdown. The random late night shopping, suddenly moving out and breaking up, drinking himself into a dribbling fool day after gay. The sooner you eject him from the house the better. And it's not your responsibility to house a grown adult. He's well able to find accommodation for his will long benders. Put his clothing and a few toiletries into a bin bag, take his keys and send him out into the street.

Big Bag of Chips

He hasn't exactly given up yet - he's still there. And asleep on the couch at 20 past 11 isn't the sign of someone eager to find a place to move out to. You need to be firm, OP. He will not leave of his own accord. Why would he when he has been living the life he has wanted for so long with no consequences? He won't be in any rush to leave his cushy number. And if he does leave and realises that the grass isn't greener, expect him to tell you he is sorry and wants to move back. It will almost certainly happen. If he wants to come back he has a lot of growing up to do and proving himself.

If you want him out, you need to keep nudging him out. Be strong. Imagine how more stress free your life will be without him asleep in a drunken stupor on your couch. It'll be tough being a single parent, without doubt, but it will be a different type of tough. And it will be something that you are in control of.

Helpmeplease18

He just broke down said he is going to change. Hes not going awol again and will communicate with me. He is such a closed in quiet person that even getting this out of him was huge

Big Bag of Chips

It doesn't mean anything though.

I'm sorry, OP, but don't get your hopes up. He is behaving exactly as predicted he would. There is a chance he'll get help and succeed in changing, but there's a bigger chance that he'll change for a few weeks and then revert to 'normal'.

You need to have a plan for when he does go awol again. Because it will happen.

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Helpmeplease18

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Such a claim made in the current circumstances means nothing.

How many years has he had to change and didnt?

Follow through and have him move out, he can still clean up his act and prove to you that he is capable of staying clean and communicating with you from a separated existence.

Then you will see if he can follow through with no further risk to yourself and the kids.

I grew up with my father behaving the way this guy behaves, it damaged me from infancy onwards. My mother always took him at his word to change and he never did. He killed her and himself in a drunken accident. But not before he had stressed her into an early stroke and estranged every friend and family member they ever had. They lived together in pure misery and we were all glad when they were gone.

Dont end up like that.[/quote]

Jesus thats shocking. Id like to think we arent near anything like that. No violence here ever. Lack of communication and thoughtlessness. He has promised to change and im going to give him the chance to prove it.

TheBoyConor

Everyone here has given advice to get rid of him despite his empty promises.
You have chosen to ignore the advice.
You're going to be back here in another 6 months. See you then op.

iamwhoiam

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

Jesus thats shocking. Id like to think we arent near anything like that. No violence here ever. Lack of communication and thoughtlessness. He has promised to change and im going to give him the chance to prove it.

Be absolutely certain that both he and you know this is a last chance for him . Put a time limit on it and within that limit ( 3 months or 6 months ) he must proove himself and completely change his ways or its over . Please don't let one slip up pass your determination and make it clear that one single strike and he is out

Helpmeplease18

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Everyone here has given advice to get rid of him despite his empty promises.
You have chosen to ignore the advice.
You're going to be back here in another 6 months. See you then op.

Not ignoring im giving him a chance to put it right. He knows if he carries on thats it because i wouldn't be able for it again. He has until the end of the summer to make some major changes.

Big Bag of Chips

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You're going to be back here in another 6 months. See you then op.

And if you are back here in 6 months, you will get sympathetic advice from people who know it is not as simple as that to walk away from a marriage, and split up a family.

OP, it is very easy for us looking in to tell you what you should do. My friend lived with similar. She left multiple times over a number of years. He promised everything your husband is promising. He changed, for a while. Every time she left (she had to be the one to leave because he refused to, and he brought cocaine into their house abscess never sure if he used everything he had or not. Her children were at a very real risk of picking up leftover bags) anyway, every time she left he begged, cried, promised. Every time she went back, and he changed... For a few weeks. She eventually walked out and didn't go back. That was 4 years ago and he is still an alcoholic drug addict. Still crying, promising (although now he's promising the kids he'll change, and never does). He blames her tie the breakdown of the marriage, because she left him.

You need to give it a chance. You absolutely do. But you need to have a plan in your head. How many slips are you going to allow him? How many chances are you going to give him? What will be the time that you say 'No. No more".

It's your relationship and you have to do what you need to. but please do not understand estimate the affect this will continue to have on your children.

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Helpmeplease18

I have a plan. If by the end of August things have not improved then i will ask him to leave. He knows and understands this. My children are and always will be my number 1 priority. I have to offer him this chance. He will either use it or lose it. I appreciate all the advice i have received.

iamwhoiam

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

I have a plan. If by the end of August things have not improved then i will ask him to leave. He knows and understands this. My children are and always will be my number 1 priority. I have to offer him this chance. He will either use it or lose it. I appreciate all the advice i have received.

I wish you the very best and I really hope he can change and find help to deal with why he is the way he is . Good luck

Helpmeplease18

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Helpmeplease18 wrote: »

I have a plan. If by the end of August things have not improved then i will ask him to leave. He knows and understands this. My children are and always will be my number 1 priority. I have to offer him this chance. He will either use it or lose it. I appreciate all the advice i have received.

I wish you the very best and I really hope he can change and find help to deal with why he is the way he is . Good luck

Thank you

punisher5112

Op seriously you have your chance now. 20 years and he hasn't grown up....

You need to cop on and get on with it. I'm sorry to be blunt but I have huge doubts he will change anything at all.

He has had it like this for so long not being challenged and living like a teenager with you as a surrogate mother.


I wish you luck but honestly don't see it changing.

What has he been doing for all these days he disappears and hanging around with single friends most likely chasing tail.