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Uncertain and confused

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    #32
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    iamwhoiam wrote: »
    The poor kids , living in this chaotic turmoil of uncertainty .OP they are your priority and their little heads needs to be at peace and not seeing their father come and go like that . Kids need stability and my heart goes out to them and you

    Yes you are right they are 100% my priority. Always will be.


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    #33
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,098 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    Yes you are right they are 100% my priority. Always will be.

    And they will be fine with a strong Mum who will protect them . Stay strong


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    #34
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    So i spoke to him yesterday after him being gone for 24 hours. He said hes not happy and hasnt been for a while. He has options of places to stay to look at this week. I said this sleeping on the couch and rolling in cannot continue as its unhealthy and a bad example. He agreed. Hes asleep now on the couch. I cant believe hes given up so quickly on his family


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    #35
    nikkibikki
    Registered Users Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭nikkibikki


    That's on him OP, not on you. You can't change him or make him do anything.

    It's totally possible to not be happy and discuss separation whilst still being a considerate father setting a good example. He is not doing this. He sounds very self centred.


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    #36
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    The end of a relationship is never easy, especially with kids involved. There will ne tough days ahead, but you are doing the right thing OP.


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    #37
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    He sounds like he's having a mental breakdown. The random late night shopping, suddenly moving out and breaking up, drinking himself into a dribbling fool day after gay. The sooner you eject him from the house the better. And it's not your responsibility to house a grown adult. He's well able to find accommodation for his will long benders. Put his clothing and a few toiletries into a bin bag, take his keys and send him out into the street.


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    #38
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    He hasn't exactly given up yet - he's still there. And asleep on the couch at 20 past 11 isn't the sign of someone eager to find a place to move out to. You need to be firm, OP. He will not leave of his own accord. Why would he when he has been living the life he has wanted for so long with no consequences? He won't be in any rush to leave his cushy number. And if he does leave and realises that the grass isn't greener, expect him to tell you he is sorry and wants to move back. It will almost certainly happen. If he wants to come back he has a lot of growing up to do and proving himself.

    If you want him out, you need to keep nudging him out. Be strong. Imagine how more stress free your life will be without him asleep in a drunken stupor on your couch. It'll be tough being a single parent, without doubt, but it will be a different type of tough. And it will be something that you are in control of.


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    #39
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    He just broke down said he is going to change. Hes not going awol again and will communicate with me. He is such a closed in quiet person that even getting this out of him was huge


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    #40
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It doesn't mean anything though.

    I'm sorry, OP, but don't get your hopes up. He is behaving exactly as predicted he would. There is a chance he'll get help and succeed in changing, but there's a bigger chance that he'll change for a few weeks and then revert to 'normal'.

    You need to have a plan for when he does go awol again. Because it will happen.


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    #41
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #42
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Such a claim made in the current circumstances means nothing.

    How many years has he had to change and didnt?

    Follow through and have him move out, he can still clean up his act and prove to you that he is capable of staying clean and communicating with you from a separated existence.

    Then you will see if he can follow through with no further risk to yourself and the kids.

    I grew up with my father behaving the way this guy behaves, it damaged me from infancy onwards. My mother always took him at his word to change and he never did. He killed her and himself in a drunken accident. But not before he had stressed her into an early stroke and estranged every friend and family member they ever had. They lived together in pure misery and we were all glad when they were gone.

    Dont end up like that.[/quote]

    Jesus thats shocking. Id like to think we arent near anything like that. No violence here ever. Lack of communication and thoughtlessness. He has promised to change and im going to give him the chance to prove it.


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    #43
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Everyone here has given advice to get rid of him despite his empty promises.
    You have chosen to ignore the advice.
    You're going to be back here in another 6 months. See you then op.


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    #44
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,098 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    Jesus thats shocking. Id like to think we arent near anything like that. No violence here ever. Lack of communication and thoughtlessness. He has promised to change and im going to give him the chance to prove it.

    Be absolutely certain that both he and you know this is a last chance for him . Put a time limit on it and within that limit ( 3 months or 6 months ) he must proove himself and completely change his ways or its over . Please don't let one slip up pass your determination and make it clear that one single strike and he is out


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    #45
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Everyone here has given advice to get rid of him despite his empty promises.
    You have chosen to ignore the advice.
    You're going to be back here in another 6 months. See you then op.

    Not ignoring im giving him a chance to put it right. He knows if he carries on thats it because i wouldn't be able for it again. He has until the end of the summer to make some major changes.


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    #46
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    You're going to be back here in another 6 months. See you then op.

    And if you are back here in 6 months, you will get sympathetic advice from people who know it is not as simple as that to walk away from a marriage, and split up a family.

    OP, it is very easy for us looking in to tell you what you should do. My friend lived with similar. She left multiple times over a number of years. He promised everything your husband is promising. He changed, for a while. Every time she left (she had to be the one to leave because he refused to, and he brought cocaine into their house abscess never sure if he used everything he had or not. Her children were at a very real risk of picking up leftover bags) anyway, every time she left he begged, cried, promised. Every time she went back, and he changed... For a few weeks. She eventually walked out and didn't go back. That was 4 years ago and he is still an alcoholic drug addict. Still crying, promising (although now he's promising the kids he'll change, and never does). He blames her tie the breakdown of the marriage, because she left him.

    You need to give it a chance. You absolutely do. But you need to have a plan in your head. How many slips are you going to allow him? How many chances are you going to give him? What will be the time that you say 'No. No more".

    It's your relationship and you have to do what you need to. but please do not understand estimate the affect this will continue to have on your children.


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    #47
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #48
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    I have a plan. If by the end of August things have not improved then i will ask him to leave. He knows and understands this. My children are and always will be my number 1 priority. I have to offer him this chance. He will either use it or lose it. I appreciate all the advice i have received.


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    #49
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,098 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    I have a plan. If by the end of August things have not improved then i will ask him to leave. He knows and understands this. My children are and always will be my number 1 priority. I have to offer him this chance. He will either use it or lose it. I appreciate all the advice i have received.
    I wish you the very best and I really hope he can change and find help to deal with why he is the way he is . Good luck


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    #50
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    iamwhoiam wrote: »
    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    I have a plan. If by the end of August things have not improved then i will ask him to leave. He knows and understands this. My children are and always will be my number 1 priority. I have to offer him this chance. He will either use it or lose it. I appreciate all the advice i have received.
    I wish you the very best and I really hope he can change and find help to deal with why he is the way he is . Good luck

    Thank you


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    #51
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Op seriously you have your chance now. 20 years and he hasn't grown up....

    You need to cop on and get on with it. I'm sorry to be blunt but I have huge doubts he will change anything at all.

    He has had it like this for so long not being challenged and living like a teenager with you as a surrogate mother.


    I wish you luck but honestly don't see it changing.

    What has he been doing for all these days he disappears and hanging around with single friends most likely chasing tail.


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    #52
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


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    #53
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Its totally understandable that you think you need to give him another chance.

    Nothing will change from this. You cant expect a different outcome from the same behaviour. He has once again done whatever he likes with no consequence.

    It would hit a lot harder and possibly force change if you followed through and actually asked him to leave and get counselling.

    There is no incentive for him to change as it is. Give him one.[/quote]

    You seem quite passionate about this subject and from what you have revealed about your own personal circumstances it is understandable why.
    There is an incentive to change. If he does not then it is the end. That is his incentive. I have never threatened to make him leave before now


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    #54
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #55
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Yes, I went to Alanon meetings for years due to my upbringing. It really screws kids up to have an alcoholic parent. I have many many friends through the years in Alanon and its well known that "giving a last chance" virtually never works.

    The only thing that works is changing your own behaviour. You cant change his, only he can.

    Has he threatened to leave before? As he did this time?

    Heres a little story for you to read:
    https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

    It might help give you some insights. In the meantime, I would very strongly advise you go to Alanon.[/quote]

    With all due respect your situation and how you were brought up is a world away from my childrens. My husband is not an alcoholic. He is not verbally abusive in the home and they are not exposed to drunken behaviour. He has been inconsiderate in not contacting me and staying out. I am aware that kids pick up on things of course they do but the times he was on the couch my daughter thinks it was due to the heat upstairs. No he has not threatened to leave before or this time. He said he would leave as his behaviour was upsetting me too much. He has until the end of august to shape up or ship out. Once again thank you for your replies but i have a plan and am going to follow through on it.


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    #56
    Funny Feeling
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Funny Feeling


    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    With all due respect your situation and how you were brought up is a world away from my childrens. My husband is not an alcoholic
    ****

    Sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is very hard to look at your own situation objectively when you are in the mist of a crisis.
    I don't want to put you down but it is clear he is an alcoholic and is doing what suits him and when he wants.


    Ask yourself:

    Can your children rely on him to do things with them or pick them up?

    Do they feel secure? Especially if he disappears and you call the garda.

    Would you do any of the things he does?

    Imagine for some reason you were not around would you know they are safe have the best opportunity to progress in life?

    If he really is going to change, what is the harm in him moving out for a few weeks and showing he has changed?

    Are you a single parent in a relationship?

    Best of luck what ever you decide to do. It's not easy, but there is light. Your the only person who can make the change.


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    #57
    ahnow
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    I think you’d honestly be better off giving him that chance to get his life together while not living in the family home.

    You are enabling him by just taking him at his word and accepting that he’s going to change, and unfortunately it is not much of an incentive for him to actually change. He will need to see what his life would be like if he continues down the path he’s going on, without your support.

    To do this you should really still ask him to leave and to show through his actions that he deserves to be back in the home, and if he proves himself over the coming months then and only then can you think about welcoming him back home.

    I highly doubt that he will follow through with his words right now, as much as he may or may not mean them, because nothing has changed for him.


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    #58
    Helpmeplease18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭Helpmeplease18


    Im not throwing him out im giving him until the end of summer to mend things.


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    #59
    ahnow
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    Im not throwing him out im giving him until the end of summer to mend things.

    A way of maybe handling this if that’s your decision is to have him come foreward with a plan in place on what he’s going to do to change so it’s concrete, and what he’s going to do to put these changes in place in the long term. Like is he going to do alanon, or counselling etc.

    Best of luck to you!


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    #60
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Helpmeplease18 wrote: »
    Not ignoring im giving him a chance to put it right. He knows if he carries on thats it because i wouldn't be able for it again. He has until the end of the summer to make some major changes.


    Great. But I would still put him out of the house. He will never be serious about change as long as he is there. It'll be a half-hearted effort until he thinks you're onside, then revert back to type. Stand on me, that's EXACTLY what will happen.

    Put him out. Tell him he can see the kids whenever he wants - at the time he says he will and sober. Pay maintenance and the rent/mortgage. Then you can see what happens from there.


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    #61
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Personally I think you should turf him out on the curb with immediate effect and let him go to one of his drinking buddies.
    And I also think his return is because he had a bit on the side and it's not worked out and now he's coming back to you with these excuses.


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