I don’t know what’s wrong with me

LonelyBoy84

Hi I am currently going through a crisis. This comes after a period of huge change (mainly positive!) & some considerable work stress in my life. Summary of last 12 months as follows;

-2 job changes in last 18 months
-Bought new house & moved in
-Friend tried to commit suicide
-Lot of political infighting in work
-Mother not too well
-Leading a very large project in work with very high profile & lot of pressure

Despite being very stressed with work & all that had gone on, I was looking forward to getting engaged (l had long planned this & have been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 4). We have a great relationship & I consider myself very lucky. The week after the engagement we were due to head on holidays for a nice break & to celebrate our engagement. While I was stressed in the run up, I had long seen this as the line in the sand when I would unwind from all the stress of the last 12 months.

However, in the middle of a long-haul flight & I couldn’t stop my mind racing. I still didn’t feel right. I thought the engagement & holiday would relax me. It didn’t. I then started to think all kinds of irrational thoughts. What if I felt like this because this isn’t what I wanted in life? Why if I don’t love my partner enough? Surely if I loved her enough I wouldn’t feel so anxious?! God this must mean I don’t love her. The feelings of stress & anxiety intensified & I had an anxiety attack on the plane – where I got hysterically upset & couldn’t control my emotions. I woke my partner up, told her what was happening & that I couldn’t explain where this extreme fear came from. I told her that I knew I loved her & wanted to be with her so couldn’t understand these thoughts or the anxiety.

The rest of the holiday was a whirlwind of relationship related anxiety, interspersed with moments of clarity when I knew it was just stress/anxiety catching up with me. However, I was never able to fully shake the anxiety.


I had hoped getting home would stabilise things but unfortunately that’s not been the case (not helped by a big role change in work immediately when I got back). This has been ongoing for 3 months now & is causing me significant distress. I have not slept more than 5 hrs per night since then & amn’t eating right, which obviously isn’t helping!
While I have had moments when it feels manageable & even sometimes like I’ve come through the other side – but it always creeps back and focuses in on the best thing in my my life. Questioning, doubting, thinking about all different horrible scenarios where we break up - all of which devastate me. Even when I’m not around my partner, I constantly feel either depressed or anxious. I don’t enjoy any of the things I used to enjoy, tv, music, friends etc.

This all usually eventually results in a huge anxiety attack when I think I can’t cope with the constant anxiety anymore, followed by a couple of days of depression, before the anxiety starts to build back up again. This is probably not helped by my constant searching and researching online.

I am currently attending talk therapy (have had 8 sessions) – but am finding it is not providing me with any relief. While no doubt touching on issues which have contributed to my susceptibility to this condition, I do not find it solution focussed enough & it does not appear to be alleviating my immediate distress in any way. My GP has prescribed me with anti depressants/anxiety meds and I’m on them the 6 weeks (upped dosage twice in the last 10 days)


Apologies for the long-winded post - I just am really desperate for help & to try and get my life back on track. I’m constantly analysing every moment as to whether I “feel” enough - but it’s hard to feel anything but fear when you’ve been anxious or depressed for 3 months, but this then further feeds my anxiety. I feel like I’m ruining what’s meant to be an exciting time for us & it feels like it’s slowly strangling our great relationship.

Anyone any words of advice?

WIZWEB

Don't ever apologise for 'long-winded posts'. You should see some of my responses!

There's triggers to your anxiety and depression and you've listed some of these. You say this has occured for the last three months. Though issues have probably been building up for much longer.

Posititively you have sought and engaged in professional therapy. This takes time. There's no magic immediate solution. I've had my own issues with non-directive counselling in the past. However I accept as based upon evidence that it is highly effective with a good therapist. They guide us to find our own answers and solutions. CBT is reportedly good for depression and anxiety so I hope that is a tool being shared with you. There are good books available too with simple but effective stress managing strategies. Ideally read those authorised by individuals with professional qualifications.

The depression medication you are receiving also takes time to work. You're barely within that window. Depending on the severity of your condition ideally your prescription will be temporary due to the side effects and masking of your problems.

Mindfulness is a tool I would highly recommend. Takes a little time too but again as can be evidenced is a brilliant tool to just switch off those racing thoughts. This helps balance our emotions and enjoy the present moment. All instead of dwelling on a past we can do nothing about or fearing an ever unpredictable future.

LonelyBoy84

WIZWEB wrote: »

Don't ever apologise for 'long-winded posts'. You should see some of my responses!

There's triggers to your anxiety and depression and you've listed some of these. You say this has occured for the last three months. Though issues have probably been building up for much longer.

Posititively you have sought and engaged in professional therapy. This takes time. There's no magic immediate solution. I've had my own issues with non-directive counselling in the past. However I accept as based upon evidence that it is highly effective with a good therapist. They guide us to find our own answers and solutions. CBT is reportedly good for depression and anxiety so I hope that is a tool being shared with you. There are good books available too with simple but effective stress managing strategies. Ideally read those authorised by individuals with professional qualifications.

The depression medication you are receiving also takes time to work. You're barely within that window. Depending on the severity of your condition ideally your prescription will be temporary due to the side effects and masking of your problems.

Mindfulness is a tool I would highly recommend. Takes a little time too but again as can be evidenced is a brilliant tool to just switch off those racing thoughts. This helps balance our emotions and enjoy the present moment. All instead of dwelling on a past we can do nothing about or fearing an ever unpredictable future.

It nearly feels like it’s gotten worse since I went on the meds. Before I had full days where I felt like myself & that it was behind me, but it always crept back. Since the meds, the best I feel is only slightly anxious. I never feel happy or like myself

WIZWEB

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

It nearly feels like it’s gotten worse since I went on the meds. Before I had full days where I felt like myself & that it was behind me, but it always crept back. Since the meds, the best I feel is only slightly anxious. I never feel happy or like myself

The medication can lead to a middle ground unfortunately that will scupper extremes of highs as well as lows. Something to discuss further with your doctor so they can regulate the dosage further. Currently they are experimenting with your ideal dosage which may mean a downwards one after reevaluating. Fully engageing with the talk therapy will help minimise your reliance on medication.

LonelyBoy84

WIZWEB wrote: »

The medication can lead to a middle ground unfortunately that will scupper extremes of highs as well as lows. Something to discuss further with your doctor so they can regulate the dosage further. Currently they are experimenting with your ideal dosage which may mean a downwards one after reevaluating. Fully engageing with the talk therapy will help minimise your reliance on medication.

Thanks for your responses

Means a lot at the minute

Jenneke87

I know medical advise is not allowed, but could it be that all this stress is causing you to be on the verge of a burn-out?

LonelyBoy84

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I know medical advise is not allowed, but could it be that all this stress is causing you to be on the verge of a burn-out?

That’s kind of what it feels like, but up until shortly before my big wobble, I felt very in control & on top of things. It’s kinda snuck up on me. It’s only when I look back on the last 12/18 months, I realise how much has gone on.

Now when I think of any big decision (we were due to buy a new car) or complex task (in work), I can’t seem to get to grips in the way I usually would

zapper55

If you had a broken leg you wouldn't try to run a 5K, yet you've had enormous stress in your life (both good and bad) which understandably has affected you. You have gone for treatment. Unlike a broken leg, mental health treatments aren't as black and white and you'll need to have patience til everything kicks in. You are being immensely hard on yourself. Maybe your confidence has taken a knock too. Finding those decisions harder to make at the moment is completely completely normal.

zoobizoo

What kind of talk therapy?

What type of therapist are you visiting?

LonelyBoy84

zoobizoo wrote: »

What kind of talk therapy?

What type of therapist are you visiting?

Humanistic & integrative

LonelyBoy84

zapper55 wrote: »

You are being immensely hard on yourself. Maybe your confidence has taken a knock too.

Yea, it definitely has. I really thought I had it all in hand. I guess I just pushed it too far, too fast.
One thing is for sure, I’ll never let it happen again.

zapper55 wrote: »

Finding those decisions harder to make at the moment is completely completely normal.

I know that & I can deal with that definitely.

The only thing that really hurts me about the whole thing is when it starts targeting my relationship & making me question everything, “what if this is cause you don’t love her enough”, “what if we break up?” “What if the only way i can ever get better is to leave & start again somewhere else” etc etc...everything else I can handle, but that breaks my heart every time

I was so happy with our life not long ago, now it feels like it’s shaken to the core. I know I’m putting pressure on myself, but I just want to feel like myself again. And I want to be able to be a great partner for my fiancé again.

Cash_Q

LonelyBoy84 wrote:

The only thing that really hurts me about the whole thing is when it starts targeting my relationship & making me question everything

Getting engaged is a huge step, so it's only natural that you might question the relationship to be sure you're doing the right thing by committing to marriage.

You are going to have an amazing experience getting married and being a husband, it's just that sometimes we feel a need to imagine life another way to assure ourselves that this is the right path. I would hope that your doubts are leading you towards that assurance, and if they're not, you have to be honest with yourself and your fiance that maybe marriage isn't for you.

Finchie1276

Hi

I had burnout in 2010 - hospital, meds, lost job etc. Horrible but I personally grew so much from it. Anxiety and panic were to the forefront. This sounds exactly like my experience - 'I can do it all, I'll just do a bit more, I'll catch up on sleep later, I can take the pressure etc'....Anyway I couldn't and it took years to learn to relax, let go, not be perfect.

All the thoughts you are thinking are anxiety driven so I'd say in a few months of working to relax things may pan out. The big thing for me I'd ask you is 'Why are you so driven - who are you proving things to, why do you want to do so much so well? Nothing wrong with it if you like it but it may be the root of your issue is seeking approval and acceptance externally. Dunno if this will help but I wish you all the best.

BTW - the therapy I used was a Psychotherapist with CBT and I found counsellors actually had very poor skills to help me.

LonelyBoy84

Cash_Q wrote: »

Getting engaged is a huge step, so it's only natural that you might question the relationship to be sure you're doing the right thing by committing to marriage.

You are going to have an amazing experience getting married and being a husband, it's just that sometimes we feel a need to imagine life another way to assure ourselves that this is the right path. I would hope that your doubts are leading you towards that assurance, and if they're not, you have to be honest with yourself and your fiance that maybe marriage isn't for you.

My fiancé is being amazing-I’m talking to her about everything I’m feeling. She’s 100% supportive. It’s so strange because the doubts are never definitive. Like at no point have I thought. , god I don’t want to get married. In fact it’s the opposite, I’m desperate for me & my partner to make a life for ourselves. They’re always questions when I’m feeling low/anxious, “what if you feel like this cause there is something wrong”, “what if the only way to get better is to start again”, “when i got that text message, my heart didn’t jump, that must mean i don’t love her anymore, oh god”. Then these thoughts build & build & I get so upset usually ending in an anxiety attack. But then when I’m with my partner, she tends to calms me & they all fade away to silliness & there’s just a general anxiety/sadness left.

It’s just stupid & totally irrational, like if there was a problem with our relationship, we’d address it - like committed partnerships do. We’re together 6 years, I don’t think my heart needs to jump for every text message! There genuinely isn’t an issue that I can think of, until my anxiety attack on that poxy plane There’s only my anxiety & depression choosing to hang off my relationship on occasion, which just creates a vicious cycle I’m trying to break.

Does that make sense?!

Emme

OP you have had a lot of stress but you are lucky to be engaged and have a supportive partner. You are also lucky to be able to afford talk therapy. Your doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds but did he or she give you anything to help you sleep? Did you get any advice on diet and exercise? Maybe go back to your doctor and ask about reviewing your medication and ensuring you get something to help you sleep. If you don't do this already, try to get 30 minutes or better still an hour of exercise every day.

I don't mean to be horrible but sometimes it helps to sit down and write down all the good things you have in life and be actively thankful for them. Do this every day and stop focusing on your stress.

I had physical burnout in 2014 and it was the start of a very stressful time for me with increasing demands all round from then up until now. Even though I was forced to take leave from work I couldn't stop because of serious illness in the family. I literally had to scrape myself off the floor and keep going with no support. A lot of "friends" dwindled away when I asked for help. There is no point in asking family for help either because they either need my help or they tell me about their own problems and say I have to suffer and get on with it. I still collapse regularly but keep going because I have no choice.

I have also coped with depression without giving into my doctor's recommendations of taking stress leave and antidepressants. I cannot afford to take leave from work anyway. Nor can I afford to go away on holidays. I am very particular about diet, supplements etc. and am managing an auto-immune disease as well. I cannot afford talk therapy and personally I think it is a waste of time sitting for an hour steeping in your misery talking to somebody who hasn't got a clue about what you are going through. I take what exercise I can even though I don't have the time or energy to train to the level I once did. Unfortunately when you are very stressed you sometimes have to hold back on some areas where you once pushed yourself to the limit.

I found that you just have to pick yourself up, make the most of things and keep going. Sometimes thinking about how stressed you are can hold you back.

If you feel that the meds are making you worse go off then with your doctor's help. Tell him or her you want to go off them and don't be bullied into staying on them or you will be on them for life. If you don't want to consider another anti-anxiety med don't take it. Antidepressant and antianxiety meds are highly addictive even if they don't do much help. Get your fiancee's support in this. Consider complementary therapies such as acupuncture. Get good nutritional advice. I find taking magnesium at night very helpful for sleep but you need to consult a professional before taking anything. Ask your pharmacist about a supplement called Revive Active and some of the health food shops have days where they have nutritional consultants in.

LonelyBoy84

Emme wrote: »

OP you have had a lot of stress but you are lucky to be engaged and have a supportive partner. You are also lucky to be able to afford talk therapy.

I know, part of what makes this so hard is that I feel lucky. I have a great life. I don’t know what I’m feeling like this all of a sudden.

Your doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds but did he or she give you anything to help you sleep?

Yea, valium. I have no problem getting to sleep. I just wake every night around 3 am. I either take valium then to get back asleep or go back asleep naturally on the good days. But then I always wake about 5am & am unable to get back asleep

Did you get any advice on diet and exercise? Maybe go back to your doctor and ask about reviewing your medication and ensuring you get something to help you sleep. If you don't do this already, try to get 30 minutes or better still an hour of exercise every day.

Nothing on diet, but yea, advised to get exercise. So im doing about an hour walking a day. It tends to calm my mind which is good.

I don't mean to be horrible but sometimes it helps to sit down and write down all the good things you have in life and be actively thankful for them. Do this every day and stop focusing on your stress.

Going to start this today.

Emme

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

I know, part of what makes this so hard is that I feel lucky. I have a great life. I don’t know what I’m feeling like this all of a sudden

You have had a lot on and when somebody in the family is sick it is very stressful.

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

Yea, valium. I have no problem getting to sleep. I just wake every night around 3 am. I either take valium then to get back asleep or go back asleep naturally on the good days. But then I always wake about 5am & am unable to get back asleep

Valium is very addictive and your tolerance to it builds quickly (ie you need 2 after a while when you originally needed 1). It isn't solving the problem of you getting a full night's sleep. Go to your doctor again. You can buy supplements called Kalms in a purple box which help you sleep. You can get them in Boots and talk to the pharmacist about them before you get them.

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

Nothing on diet, but yea, advised to get exercise. So im doing about an hour walking a day. It tends to calm my mind which is good.

Exercise helps but you need to eat properly - 3 proper meals a day with protein at each meal. For breakfast you could have proats (that's oats with protein powder mixed with fruit such as blueberries strawberries, raspberries etc). It can be made the night before. Try to take time away from your desk at lunchtime and go for a walk if possible. Even 20 minutes is good. A mixed salad with smoked salmon, cheese or other protein is good for lunch. Then make sure you have a good dinner in the evenings. Have nuts and some fruits for snacks.

Proper nutrition and supplementation are vital if you are to get over anxiety depression with minimal medication. I mentioned magnesium before, it's known as nature's valium and helps with sleep if you take it at night. Go to a pharmacy or health food shop and get professional advice on supplementation.

LonelyBoy84

Emme wrote: »

You have had a lot on and when somebody in the family is sick it is very stressful.

Valium is very addictive and your tolerance to it builds quickly (ie you need 2 after a while when you originally needed 1). It isn't solving the problem of you getting a full night's sleep. Go to your doctor again. You can buy supplements called Kalms in a purple box which help you sleep. You can get them in Boots and talk to the pharmacist about them before you get them.

Exercise helps but you need to eat properly - 3 proper meals a day with protein at each meal. For breakfast you could have proats (that's oats with protein powder mixed with fruit such as blueberries strawberries, raspberries etc). It can be made the night before. Try to take time away from your desk at lunchtime and go for a walk if possible. Even 20 minutes is good. A mixed salad with smoked salmon, cheese or other protein is good for lunch. Then make sure you have a good dinner in the evenings. Have nuts and some fruits for snacks.

Proper nutrition and supplementation are vital if you are to get over anxiety depression with minimal medication. I mentioned magnesium before, it's known as nature's valium and helps with sleep if you take it at night. Go to a pharmacy or health food shop and get professional advice on supplementation.

Problem at the moment is I have very little appetite. I’ve lost 8kg in last 2 months.

I’ve tried the Kalms, unfortunately they do nothing for me. Bought some magnesium supplements, might try that tonight.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

Congrats on the new house and engagement.

Stress can really build up and come from nowhere. I had never been a stress-head in my life until 3 years ago when I had a random anxiety attack. Nothing unusual had happened to bring it on that I could gather. It was like my entire outlook on life flicked. I started worrying all the time that I was dying, checking plug sockets and googling "Does a recurring itchy elbow mean I have cancer". Mad stuff...

On reflection I was working 60 hours a week while sticking to a rigid diet and training 6 times a week.... It was just burn out.

I gave up coffee (this made a MASSIVE difference) and tea and started doing mindfulness. I still get moments of panic, but maybe once every 3 months as opposed to every day. I think I've opened the door to it so it exists now (which I hate) but it really helps to try step back from your life and look at it like a third person will to see where you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

Getting married is a big thing, so even though it is ultimately a positive situation, along with getting engaged and buying/moving in to a house - you're allowed to get stressed or feel drained by it, you are human. Cut yourself a break

heretothere

I can't speak much about depression/ anxiety. With regards questioning getting married, I can completely get that one! I'm the same, I adore my fiance and can't wait to be his wife. BUT every so often I'll have little niggles like ahhhhh what if this isn't the right thing, I know there is no one I would rather be with but it is a huge commitment.

LonelyBoy84

heretothere wrote: »

I can't speak much about depression/ anxiety. With regards questioning getting married, I can completely get that one! I'm the same, I adore my fiance and can't wait to be his wife. BUT every so often I'll have little niggles like ahhhhh what if this isn't the right thing, I know there is no one I would rather be with but it is a huge commitment.

Yea, if it was just that type of niggle I could deal easily enough. But the fact it leads to such extreme depression/anxiety kind of feeds the niggle even more. Does that make sense?!

Skibunny77

Op, humanistic and integrative therapy is not appropriate for anxiety. You are far better off seeking a fully qualified cognitive behaviour therapist (cbt), go for a therapist that only practices cbt and has the right credentials. There is a strong evidence base showing that Cbt is very successful in anxiety management. Your instincts about talk therapy are right - talking about anxiety without clear coping strategies can actually increase it. My advice is to speak to your GP and request referral to a reputable private psychiatry hospital, and seek an outpatient CBT therapist. It is expensive but you can claim tax back and more importantly, gain a sense of calm and perspective. There are cheaper therapists who claim to practice cbt, often many of them have only completed short courses. Best of luck

shesty

Wow OP.I could have written this post 8 years ago about how I was feeling about my relationship.I can't actually believe someone else is experiencing these feelings.

I was 26 at the time, maybe younger than you?(female here :-) ). i was with OH for maybe 5 years at that stage, not living together.In a very stressful job (particularly for my age), and was told that I was moving to another area of the job which I wasn't happy about.

So the anxiety started.About my relationship!!!Which to me and to him, was only going to end one way, with marraige.I couldn't see myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life, he was (and is!) the only one I wanted.And yet.....was he?.At the time, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.I was exhausted, struggling to deal with work, both the stress and the lack of control being moved somewhere without a choice.And I started thinking like you describe....how do I feel?How do I really feel?oh I didn't feel thrilled when he rang me there, this can't be right, I mustn't love him enough etc etc.

In hindsight I think it was that the relationship was the one area of life that I had a degree of control over, which caused me to analyse it so much.Also I was in a very stressful job and obviously wasn't coping well, although I didn't really realise that at the time.

What happened for me was the line in the sand was drawn by events in my life.A close relative died.I lasted a few more weeks after that then it all became too much.I declared I needed a break, and basically cried for about five days.Went to work, came home, and cried.It was like a dam burst, literally.After a few days, I started to get tired of crying (I know that sounds silly!!) And found myself feeling like I was ready to get on with life.Still was indecisive, but decided to get back with himself and pretty much forced myself to shut down negative thoughts every time they came up.And gradually over time they stopped coming.And I calmed down.

I know this mightn't be a totally helpful post but I just wanted to tell you two things-firstly you aren't the only one to think like this, and secondly, try to accept that you have a lot of stress in your life (at least you can see this), and see what you can change and how to better manage it.You would preferably do that before you reach the kind of point that I did!CBT style therapy is probably most appropriate, to me it seemed like the most sensible to address my problem anyway.You should look into it.

LonelyBoy84

shesty wrote: »

Wow OP.I could have written this post 8 years ago about how I was feeling about my relationship.I can't actually believe someone else is experiencing these feelings.

I was 26 at the time, maybe younger than you?(female here :-) ). i was with OH for maybe 5 years at that stage, not living together.In a very stressful job (particularly for my age), and was told that I was moving to another area of the job which I wasn't happy about.

So the anxiety started.About my relationship!!!Which to me and to him, was only going to end one way, with marraige.I couldn't see myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life, he was (and is!) the only one I wanted.And yet.....was he?.At the time, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.I was exhausted, struggling to deal with work, both the stress and the lack of control being moved somewhere without a choice.And I started thinking like you describe....how do I feel?How do I really feel?oh I didn't feel thrilled when he rang me there, this can't be right, I mustn't love him enough etc etc.

In hindsight I think it was that the relationship was the one area of life that I had a degree of control over, which caused me to analyse it so much.Also I was in a very stressful job and obviously wasn't coping well, although I didn't really realise that at the time.

What happened for me was the line in the sand was drawn by events in my life.A close relative died.I lasted a few more weeks after that then it all became too much.I declared I needed a break, and basically cried for about five days.Went to work, came home, and cried.It was like a dam burst, literally.After a few days, I started to get tired of crying (I know that sounds silly!!) And found myself feeling like I was ready to get on with life.Still was indecisive, but decided to get back with himself and pretty much forced myself to shut down negative thoughts every time they came up.And gradually over time they stopped coming.And I calmed down.

I know this mightn't be a totally helpful post but I just wanted to tell you two things-firstly you aren't the only one to think like this, and secondly, try to accept that you have a lot of stress in your life (at least you can see this), and see what you can change and how to better manage it.You would preferably do that before you reach the kind of point that I did!CBT style therapy is probably most appropriate, to me it seemed like the most sensible to address my problem anyway.You should look into it.

Post is very helpful. Thank you. It’s great to know I’m not crazy & that other people have experienced the same.

It just seems so cruel that the stress & anxiety would target the best & most secure thing in my life!

Am trying to get an appointment with CBT therapist who has experience with this same issue (apparently it’s relatively common!)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,


It sounds like you've had a lot of change in the last eighteen months. You thought you had a break when you were on holiday but it wasn't really an opportunity to relax because you were aware you were starting in a new position when you returned home. Additionally, you need more than a short holiday to recover from that amount of stress.

I went through a period like you've described above, one with a lot of life changes. I was more stressed than I had been in my life. When helped for me was that I had a month off before starting a new job. It actually took a month for me to get back to normal. It helped that I was looking forward to the new job and therefore, the prospect of starting was too stressful.

The reality OP is that you are still in that stressful period because you actually haven't had enough of an opportunity to get over it. Additionally, your job is stressful and you are planning a wedding, which can be stressful too.

What it comes down to is that when we are stressed, it's a message that we are overloaded. The only thing that is really going to help is making changes to give yourself time to recover. Whether that's trying to take some leave or making changes at work, that's up to you. Talk therapy is a great tool but it can't cancel out the impact of being in a difficult environment.

chicorytip

Emme wrote:

If you feel that the meds are making you worse go off then with your doctor's help. Tell him or her you want to go off them and don't be bullied into staying on them or you will be on them for life. If you don't want to consider another anti-anxiety med don't take it. Antidepressant and antianxiety meds are highly addictive even if they don't do much help. Get your fiancee's support in this. Consider complementary therapies such as acupuncture. Get good nutritional advice. I find taking magnesium at night very helpful for sleep but you need to consult a professional before taking anything. Ask your pharmacist about a supplement called Revive Active and some of the health food shops have days where they have nutritional consultants in.

You should stop taking what you are taking by reducing the dosage gradually. The physical side effects of these (including sexual dysfunction) can be horrendous particularly with prolonged use. Popping pills is not the solution to the problems you are experiencing. Living as healthy a lifestyle as possible should be your priority. Consider changing careers. No job is worth harming your health and relationships over.

LonelyBoy84

chicorytip wrote: »

You should stop taking what you are taking by reducing the dosage gradually. The physical side effects of these (including sexual dysfunction) can be horrendous particularly with prolonged use. Popping pills is not the solution to the problems you are experiencing. Living as healthy a lifestyle as possible should be your priority. Consider changing careers. No job is worth harming your health and relationships over.

To be fair to the job, a huge amount of the pressure has been me putting it on myself. Trying to get ahead & progress, which I’ve done. However, the last 3 months I’ve already moved to a much healthier work/life balance to try and aid my recovery & I’ll never overdo it again tbh.

I’m happy to follow the advices of the G.P. around the pills for the time being, but will be looking to get off them as soon as things stablize somewhat & while working through the underlying issues in therapy. If I need a little pharmaceutical help to do that in the meantime, so be it.

jenggg

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

chicorytip wrote: »

You should stop taking what you are taking by reducing the dosage gradually. The physical side effects of these (including sexual dysfunction) can be horrendous particularly with prolonged use. Popping pills is not the solution to the problems you are experiencing. Living as healthy a lifestyle as possible should be your priority. Consider changing careers. No job is worth harming your health and relationships over.

To be fair to the job, a huge amount of the pressure has been me putting it on myself. Trying to get ahead & progress, which I’ve done. However, the last 3 months I’ve already moved to a much healthier work/life balance to try and aid my recovery & I’ll never overdo it again tbh.

I’m happy to follow the advices of the G.P. around the pills for the time being, but will be looking to get off them as soon as things stablize somewhat & while working through the underlying issues in therapy. If I need a little pharmaceutical help to do that in the meantime, so be it.

Definitely OP. Give the meds time and don’t be put off by people so quick to dismiss them. They’ve saved me and many others. A year and a half on them and then I slowly tapered off with no problems since then, 7 years later. Taking them was one of the best things I ever did. I get very annoyed with the idea that eating well and getting fit cures all anxiety and depression. I don’t believe that at all. Some cases definitely but not all. Good luck!

jenggg

What medication did was pull me out of a hole and then I dealt with the issues through counselling. I believe that’s the most effective treatment. My opinion anyway!

LonelyBoy84

jenggg wrote: »

What medication did was pull me out of a hole and then I dealt with the issues through counselling. I believe that’s the most effective treatment. My opinion anyway!

That seems to be general consensus from doctors etc. To be fair, GP gave it like 4 weeks of watching & waiting see if it was improving & it wasn’t. Then he prescribed.

tara73

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

That seems to be general consensus from doctors etc. To be fair, GP gave it like 4 weeks of watching & waiting see if it was improving & it wasn’t. Then he prescribed.

I'm all for taking some meds if it's that bad, but you said you are taking Valium. Valium is the brand name, the active component is a benzodiazepine and benzodiazepines are highly addictive. Physically. You shouldn't take them more than max. 4 weeks.

It's shocking but there are still doctors out there who don't take this seriously and prescribe benzodiazepines without looking for time frames or having a plan if the patient is not coming off the anxiety without benzos.

I strongly hope your doctor made you aware of this and discussed alternatives to Valium? Especially for sleep there are alternatives these days which doesn't cause physical addiction

I'm not writing this to make you feel worse, I try to safe you from some horrible withrawl symptoms. Benzodiazepines are no solution to anxiety like you experience it. It's ok to take them from time to time as a rescue medication and at a stretch for max. 4 weeks, but not for month.

I've seen some people in hospital on withdrawl symptoms and believe me, it didn't appear to be pleasant to put it mildly.

LonelyBoy84

I've been on them on & off since end of April at this stage. However, I'm on 2mg tablets (which is lowest dosage) and I take between 1 & 3 tablets depending on level of difficulty sleeping once I wake up. The doctor seemed to be saying that because I only use them maybe 3/4 nights per week, the level of dependency/withdrawal should be minimal?

I've only taken them for general anxiety once or twice.

LonelyBoy84

Sorry - I'm only seeing this now.

Needsometimeout wrote: »

It sounds like you've had a lot of change in the last eighteen months. You thought you had a break when you were on holiday but it wasn't really an opportunity to relax because you were aware you were starting in a new position when you returned home. Additionally, you need more than a short holiday to recover from that amount of stress.

To be fair I didn't know about the role change when I was leaving. I found out the day I got back - the last thing I needed!

Needsometimeout wrote: »

I went through a period like you've described above, one with a lot of life changes. I was more stressed than I had been in my life. When helped for me was that I had a month off before starting a new job. It actually took a month for me to get back to normal. It helped that I was looking forward to the new job and therefore, the prospect of starting was too stressful.

It's just mad. I didn't quite realize how stressed I was though.

My partner told me that she knew I was stressed as she'd catch me making hand movements while driving as I rehearsed in my head how I'd handle topics in meetings the following day. I guess my mind was racing so much it didn't even shut off while driving!

Needsometimeout wrote: »

The reality OP is that you are still in that stressful period because you actually haven't had enough of an opportunity to get over it. Additionally, your job is stressful and you are planning a wedding, which can be stressful too.

We don't have a date for the wedding yet - and my awesome partner has said we don't need to start thinking about all that until I'm feeling back to myself and this rocky period is behind us.

Needsometimeout wrote: »

What it comes down to is that when we are stressed, it's a message that we are overloaded. The only thing that is really going to help is making changes to give yourself time to recover. Whether that's trying to take some leave or making changes at work, that's up to you. Talk therapy is a great tool but it can't cancel out the impact of being in a difficult environment.

I've made loads of changes & won't be getting there again.
Over the next couple of weeks I'm going to meet a few new therapists and go with the one I feel best suited.
I'm also going to take some time off work & line up some relaxing stuff to unwind.

Its so odd, even when I feel relatively ok now - it's like the extremeness of the attacks, the fear, the feeling and the doubts have rocked me so much I'm afraid I'll never be able to forget it and will never feel like myself again

tara73

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

I've been on them on & off since end of April at this stage. However, I'm on 2mg tablets (which is lowest dosage) and I take between 1 & 3 tablets depending on level of difficulty sleeping once I wake up. The doctor seemed to be saying that because I only use them maybe 3/4 nights per week, the level of dependency/withdrawal should be minimal?

I've only taken them for general anxiety once or twice.

so you take every night up to 6mg for the last two month? Jesus, I would disucuss this with your doctor.

Regarding the root of your anxiety, I think your main problem is your job. May I ask which profession it is? I don't know but I have a bit of a feeling we might work in the same profession..

I guess you feel and are completely overburdened with what people in your job expect from you. But you don't want to admit it. Your conscious mind says you need to be able to do it. Because you have a mortgage to pay, you will get married and you probably also have in the back of your mind you'll have to provide for kids soon enough.
You want to function no matter what, but your body and soul are showing you your limits with this anxiety attacks.

People and their bodies react differently to overloads of stress and the feeling of overburdendness. Some people get extreme pain, backpain, headaches or pain everywhere. Many people get this anxiety attacks.

Please listen to your body and ask yourself whether you really need to do this stressful job. the economy is really picking up and I'm sure there are jobs on offer with lesser expectations and stressload? Even if it means to scale down moneywise or reputationwise. Your life, health and wellbeing is worth more than any money or reputation.

shesty

I thought that too.And the pressure on myself was mostly from me, but was not helped by long hours and a fairly crazy job.I just got into a spiral of negative thinking.And tiredness.So so tired, but unable to get enough sleep.

You do feel like you will never be the same again but you will come out of it.Not exactly the same, because you will have an increased appreciation of how hard depression and anxiety are, and you will know better how to take care of your mental health....how to say no and when to draw the line with what people want from you.You will get there, but it's all time.As with many things in life.I mean long, slow time.

For a positive thought, I did marry himself (the same guy) And we are now proud (and exhausted) parents to three fantastic little people.

LonelyBoy84

tara73 wrote: »

so you take every night up to 6mg for the last two month? Jesus, I would disucuss this with your doctor.

No some nights I take nothing & can eventually fall back asleep naturally for a couple of hours.

Some nights, I take 1. Some nights 2. Some nights 3.

I've taken probably on average 1 per night since the last week in April....but during that period have multiple times gone 4/5 nights taking nothing

Needsometimeout wrote: »

Regarding the root of your anxiety, I think your main problem is your job. May I ask which profession it is? I don't know but I have a bit of a feeling we might work in the same profession..

It's financial services/insurance sector

I think overworking depleted my ability to handle any real stress gradually over time - and then with the proposal/holiday/continuous overthinking/anxiety attach, I think it just spiraled rapidly. I'm also from a broken home (who isn't?!) and I'm sure that features into my thinking of being "afraid" of this next step of commitment.

Like I remember when we bought our house being a little anxious - but in a natural way, I've always been an over-thinker, but knowing it was the right thing to do & rationalising it meant it just went away. The year since that has been the happiest I've ever been I think (albeit very busy in work!!!)

Needsometimeout wrote: »

I guess you feel and are completely overburdened with what people in your job expect from you. But you don't want to admit it. Your conscious mind says you need to be able to do it. Because you have a mortgage to pay, you will get married and you probably also have in the back of your mind you'll have to provide for kids soon enough. You want to function no matter what, but your body and soul are showing you your limits with this anxiety attacks.People and their bodies react differently to overloads of stress and the feeling of overburdendness. Some people get extreme pain, backpain, headaches or pain everywhere. Many people get this anxiety attacks.

In my early twenties, I had a tough time with anxiety where I had to go to counseling for a few months. Since coming out of it, I always felt I had a very strong grasp on my mental health though - until now. I think just the way it creeped up on me here has me rattled

Needsometimeout wrote: »

Please listen to your body and ask yourself whether you really need to do this stressful job. the economy is really picking up and I'm sure there are jobs on offer with lesser expectations and stressload? Even if it means to scale down moneywise or reputationwise. Your life, health and wellbeing is worth more than any money or reputation.

Honestly, the problem here is probably more with my own expectations of myself rather than my employers. I spoke to my boss the day I was back & told him that I'd started having anxiety attacks and was struggling with sleep.

He said to do whatever I need and asked was there anything needed from him for me (ie. did he need to be any different with me) - I said no, as to be fair, up to this point he used to give out to me for not leaving my work at the office door and pushing myself too much. I'm now listening to him and taking him up on his advice. He also said if I need any time off, don't consider it a burden and take whatever I need. He's been great

Carrie50

Op your post wuld make me feel exhausted,you have been through so much in a short space of time,I found in my overwhelming stages a doctor will usually throw pills at you but they dont always help,after years of learning for myself I find excerise healthy eating and counselling work for me,you have a lot going on and gpibg over it all in your head is exhausting,you need to make yourself a priority,be gentle with yourself..I doubt its anything to do with your relationship with your partner..ye sound solid..but acknowledge the stress u are under,its OK..you dont feel in control,its OK..I think CBT therapy would benefit you..and resting your mind and body..get away on your own..even a walk..explain to your partner its nothing personal,its about u.I.m sure she wuld support u in taking care of yourself,.write in a journal..it is great therapy..its a rough patch in your life you will come through it and learn from it...learn to take care of you....only then can you take care of your partner...be kind to youself..

LonelyBoy84

Carrie50 wrote: »

I doubt its anything to do with your relationship with your partner..ye sound solid..

This is the frustrating thing, if it was something clearly to do with our relationship....that’d nearly be easier - cause the rational me knows we’d just talk about whatever the issue was & then work on it together. That’s what a real relationship is. But it’s just this random anxious feeling & crazy irrational overthinking that has no basis in anything tangible

Carrie50

Just a thought u say u always felt in control,you could handle things,some of the stresses you mentioned you had no control over,your mums health,your friends suicide attempt..possibly your job..the one thing you have control over is your relationship and as you said if it was that you could do something about it,,you wouldnt feel powerless,whereas all your other life events you had no power over,you possibly felt "out of control"and this will cause panic and anxiety sleep disorder etc,you were used to having things "under control"..I dont mean you were a control freak or anything I just mean you were handling things..but events happened that you couldn't handle and you didnt know what to do..as I said there wasnt much you could do in the circumstances..I hope you can make sense of this,I felt I always had things under control until I lost my baby girl I it knocked me for six,I could always "fix" things,I couldn't fix this..its such a frightening place to be,helpless,powerless,life looks so frightening because I was not in contol and this could happen again..I could not feel secure again..everything was scary,I think the events in your life you had no control over,that you couldnt fix is what's caused your anxiety etc..your relationship is the one secure thing in your life and now you feel even that is threatened..what if it ends..what if its not what I want..these are irrational fears from the other events in your life..they have made u question everything,,it seems you feel out of control,.I can only try and explain it like this when I lost my little girl I would keep checking my other kids at night,was over protective during the day because I thought this could happen again,so with you almost losing your friend,your mams health,maybe fear of losing her,possibly has made you fear losing your partner..and you realise now you would have no control over that..because you love her so much the idea you could lose her sends you into panic..its a lesson life teaches us sooner or later..we don't always get to have everything under contol..I.hope this makes sense to you..your head must be spinning...

LonelyBoy84

I always have been a bit of a control freak tbh

I was off work on Monday as I had a long standing appointment & tbh Monday and Tuesday this week were about as good as I've felt in the last few months. Then spent some time on Monday looking up new a new therapist - going to meet a few over the next couple of weeks and then select the one I think I have the best fit with.

Is it weird that I always seem to be way worse in the morning?! As the day goes on my head tends to clear & the anxiety or worry seems to fade away to a large extent. It's very strange.

Carrie50

Possibly you had less stress on monday and tuesday,you could relax,and maybe the mornings its the dread of "what could go wrong today"but as the day goes on and no major crisis you relax into things!! I found thearpy very helpful,CBT cognitive behaviour therapy especially..some people are very carefeee and live their lives in that way,accepting whatever comes to them,and some think things should be a certain way and when they are,nt it can make us question everything..I find if things dont happen as I want them too I get anxiety,panic,full of fear.I think I need to be in control or something really bad will happen...what we learn in this life is that bad things will happen sometimes no matter what we do..my husband tells me I have "control issues"ðŸ˜so I am working on it as I cant cope with what it brings,sleeplessness,anxiety,depression,panic,I cant enjoy my life because I in a constant state of fear of what might happen if I let go..I wish you luck finding the right therapy and much happiness in your marraige when you come through this..what a wonderful life is ahead for you..I have just celebrated 25years of marriage and it is a blessing not everyone gets to experience..you and your partner are very blessed..ðŸ˜

Emme

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

Is it weird that I always seem to be way worse in the morning?! As the day goes on my head tends to clear & the anxiety or worry seems to fade away to a large extent. It's very strange.

Not at all. Brain fog and feeling worse in the morning are signs of burnout. Throwing valium at problems like this will only make things worse. If you can afford it I would advise you to go to a functional doctor who takes a 360 view of your health. Dr Fionnuala McHale qualified from Trinity Medical School and has other qualifications as well. You can see from her website below that she takes a completely different approach from a standard GP. She is not cheap but I think for you it would be money well spent.

http://invigorateclinic.com/

LonelyBoy84

Emme wrote: »

Not at all. Brain fog and feeling worse in the morning are signs of burnout. Throwing valium at problems like this will only make things worse. If you can afford it I would advise you to go to a functional doctor who takes a 360 view of your health. Dr Fionnuala McHale qualified from Trinity Medical School and has other qualifications as well. You can see from her website below that she takes a completely different approach from a standard GP. She is not cheap but I think for you it would be money well spent.

http://invigorateclinic.com/

Very interesting. I think I’ll stick with the traditional medicine for now, but I’m open to anything!

Saw new potential therapist today for consultation. They think it’s related to unresolved childhood trauma from fractuius relationship between my parents who eventually split. All these emotions are coming up now for me that I’m engaged cause I have never really dealt with them & now have no grounding in what a happy marriage looks like. All compounded by the stress of work having worn me down to such an extent I can’t deal with the overwhelm & it all just catching up with me!

shesty

Also a complete control freak here....


OP just watch out for the differences between a counsellor and a psychologist/therapist... I know I visited a psychologist and they were trying to get into my relationship with my mother (which is fine), and I just felt they were not for me - it wasn't addressing my issues.


The counsellor on the other hand listened, advised and gave me strategies to cope, rather than delving deep in my past. My gut feeling was that the past hadn't really got anything to do with my problem at the time.



It may be in your case it does, but I suppose be a bit wary of therapists wanting to see you for endless visits, and things maybe not really improving as a result - be open to rethinking your strategy if needed.

LonelyBoy84

shesty wrote: »

Also a complete control freak here....

OP just watch out for the differences between a counsellor and a psychologist/therapist... I know I visited a psychologist and they were trying to get into my relationship with my mother (which is fine), and I just felt they were not for me - it wasn't addressing my issues.

The counsellor on the other hand listened, advised and gave me strategies to cope, rather than delving deep in my past. My gut feeling was that the past hadn't really got anything to do with my problem at the time.

It may be in your case it does, but I suppose be a bit wary of therapists wanting to see you for endless visits, and things maybe not really improving as a result - be open to rethinking your strategy if needed.

I’m re-thinking at the moment I guess. My current therapist is obsessed with my past, parents, all kinds of stuff.

Guy I saw today reckons it’s the same. Ie. Hangover from traumatic childhood and need to address the root of the problem, exasterbsted by stress in work etc.

I guess if all these therapists are saying it - there must be something to it?!

Maybe psychotherapy while getting some CBT at the same time to assist in coping with the more immediate might be the way forward?!

WIZWEB

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

?....Saw new potential therapist today for consultation. They think it’s related to unresolved childhood trauma from fractuius relationship between my parents who eventually split....

It's very early for this potential therapist to make such an assessment. However it is highly likely to be relevant if you brought the topic up in conversation. Our parents are the template for our future adult relationships. They teach us consciously and subconsciously how to relate to others. If there are unresolved issues or past problems this baggage can carry forward into our own couplings. Dysfunction in parental relationships will be a poor foundation for our own. There's no blame involved as they each learned their skills from their own parental caregivers and life experiences.

As well as CBT which I previously suggested you should be offered inner critic work. This harmful parental influence in such circumstances can strongly guide our worldview with a negative internal dialogue. Lots of things including our self-esteem, depression, temparment and personality can be severely influenced. Work may and/or recent events may have been your trigger. A good therapist will get to the route of your issues and give you the skills to empower yourself and reach an equilibrium of 'I'm good enough'. As your mind clears you'll realise that you most likely are already good enough. That will happen when you diffuse the power of the your inner critic. Again I'm only speculating based on your posts. A full assessment of you and engagement by you will be required. It will take some time but a good therapist will expediate your recovery.

LonelyBoy84

WIZWEB wrote: »

It's very early for this potential therapist to make such an assessment. However it is highly likely to be relevant if you brought the topic up in conversation. Our parents are the template for our future adult relationships. They teach us consciously and subconsciously how to relate to others. If there are unresolved issues or past problems this baggage can carry forward into our own couplings. Dysfunction in parental relationships will be a poor foundation for our own. There's no blame involved as they each learned their skills from their own parental caregivers and life experiences.

As well as CBT which I previously suggested you should be offered inner critic work. This harmful parental influence in such circumstances can strongly guide our worldview with a negative internal dialogue. Lots of things including our self-esteem, depression, temparment and personality can be severely influenced. Work may and/or recent events may have been your trigger. A good therapist will get to the route of your issues and give you the skills to empower yourself and reach an equilibrium of 'I'm good enough'. As your mind clears you'll realise that you most likely are already good enough. That will happen when you diffuse the power of the your inner critic. Again I'm only speculating based on your posts. A full assessment of you and engagement by you will be required. It will take some time but a good therapist will expediate your recovery.

It’s quite frustrating that there’s limited (none) resources online to actually get patient feedback on therapists - other than checking their accreditation & areas they’ve experience in

WIZWEB

My own experience of engaging therapy was that I hadn't got the 'most perfect' relationship with my therapist. However he challenged me which I asserted from the beginning that he must do (I'm stubborn but knew I needed my buttons pushed or I wouldn't change). I wasn't always happy with his techniques or ideas. He admitted though that I was one of his few clients that religiously followed them (I was clutching at straws so I totally engaged for my remaining sanity). What I've shared with you earlier is a bit of personal projection though my issues were similar to yours though different too if you get me. We are all guilty of that in our responses. It took time but now almost a year after my last therapy session I feel much better. For me utilising his simple techniques (my mind was in a complete fog and unable for anything more at the time) helped then and immensely since as I continue to practise them now. I also found as my head cleared relevant books helped immensely. There are also several free apps and YouTube videos with simple mindfulness techniques (Believe me I was the biggest sceptic) that helped me curtail my thoughts. Thoughts can be challenged and changed. They are not necessarily reality.

In my case my dysfunctional parenting experience (not violent just lots of drama) gave me an insane framework to work from. I ended up attracted to dysfunctional partners and brought my issues to the table. My career was disjointed and involved helping others when some of my ongoing issues could be deemed more extreme than theirs. I certainly brought experience to the job! Actually a sense of humour and rediscovering an ability to laugh at myself helped me a lot too. As a footnote I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression but I've had my experience with them.

We can all give you advice here but ultimately the choice is yours. You have lots of choices. Source a therapist you respect and trust. Do the work they recommend even if you don't see the point at the time. Follow the sessions through until recommended unless they are going on for years (I would question the personal and financial value then and your level of engagement). There's no miracle cure (medication though needed in some cases doesn't alter your lived experience) though little lifestyle changes will help you in your recovery.

LonelyBoy84

I have another couple to meet over the next couple of weeks & then I'll decide. The guy yesterday doesn't incorporate CBT but seemed to think that getting the root cause of the issue and addressing that would be more beneficial than CBT which would essentially be more a coping strategy to change the troublesome or anxiety/depression inducing thoughts - but not address the underlying issues. He reckons we'd be talking 6 - 12 months of therapy but would be in a much better place afterward.

The frustrating thing is that it feels like my life is on hold until I'm able to get around this - like our plan was to start planning wedding, trying for a baby and stuff

WIZWEB

I empathise with your concerns OP. However I would plead with you to consider therapy with someone that has training/expertise in CBT as part of their skill set. It's solution focused and only needs to be a brief addition to what that specific therapist is offering you. I'm not challenging their approach. The academic evidence is there to prove CBT's effectiveness as an intervention for Anxiety and Depression. Even the medical profession is recognising this. Several posters have highlighted their own experiences of it as a therapy. It's also one of the quicker strategies to get an edge on the road to recovery strategies. However I'm not for a minute suggesting you avoid other longer term therapy in conjunction with it.

Here's a simple book utilising CBT techniques. The author, a qualified psychotherapist utilises his Dublin humour! I just recommend it as an easy and quick read to give you a better understanding of CBT to supplement your therapy. To my recollection there are specific sections on both Anxiety and Depression. This book is available free to borrow in certain library's or download as an ebook if a member.... https://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Steps-Happiness-Understand-Emotional-ebook/dp/B00DTWHUCM#customerReviews

irishgirl19

Hi OP.

Irrational thoughts/fears are normal. Its when we focus too much and give too much attention to them that it can spiral into crippling anxiety.

This is something I have struggled with in the past and I can highly recommend CBT. It really helped with my thought patterns and learning not to sweat the small stuff. I will add that this usually happened when I was vulnerable/stressed. You sound like you had a lot of stress the last few months and your body is probably trying to tell you that enough is enough!

You'd laugh if you knew the silly stuff I worried about. I knew it wasn't true but then the anxiety makes you think what if.

Best of luck