I don’t know what’s wrong with me

LonelyBoy84

My partner is so amazing. She’s so strong.

I woke up this morning & felt scarily numb. Cried a bit. She woke up & comforted me & we talked about what I was feeling etc. Told her I felt I was letting her down. She said that the reason she didn’t get down etc, is cause she knows I’m doing everything I can and that I’ll beat it and be myself again at some stage.

That made me feel awesome for a second, until I then worried I might let her down and NOT be my old self at some stage

Carrie50

She sounds awesome,just what u need..someone to keep reassuring u..and YOU will be your old self or maybe even a better you because u will learn from this..and one day be able to help someone else..try practicing Gratitude..be grateful for what u have right NOW..stop feeling guilty,be grateful u can see,hear,walk,talk,all the little things..try to keep thinking positive until u FEEL positive..it WILL come..u are too blessed to be stressed:-)

di11on

Hey OP,

Looks like you received tons of great advice and I hope you are navigating through this ok.

I empathize with what you're going through. Here is something I found useful... (I hope it doesn't sound too patronising, forgive me if it does).

There is this fairly basic concept of stress and strain that you learn in Engineering. Stress is the force you apply to, for example, a piece of steel. Strain is the impact on the steel, it will flex. The steel has what is known as an elastic limit. Up to this elastic limit, when you relieve the stress, the piece of steel will revert to its original state. However, if you apply stress beyond the elastic limit, you will get permanent structural deformation and the piece of steel will be damaged, and won't return to its original state.

Anyway, what that means for us is that a certain amount of stress can be healthy for us - it motivates us to do things. It's good to be pushed and to achieve our full potential. However, there is a certain amount of stress that we won't be able to cope with and that's different for everyone. It seems clear to me that in your current situation, you are enduring more stress than you are capable of dealing with and from what you say, it seems clear to me that this is originating at work even though the impacts are being projected onto your relationship. And there is absolutely no shame in that... and it's best that we accept our limitations. It seems clear to me that in the immediate term there is really only one way to get any respite and recover. No amount of meds or therapy are going to address this fundamental problem, in my opinion.

In the longer term, maybe there are ways to increase the amount of stress you can accommodate in your life - perhaps there are strategies that can be tried in order to deal with more - but in the short term you need to look after yourself.

So a reality for you may be that what is currently being asked of you in work is simply too much and you need to find a way to dial it back a notch. There is no shame in this. It's you and it's your life and you've gotta prioritize you over the job. If you burn out you'll be replaced in a week and no one will lose any sleep - except you of course. So prioritize you - you're no use to anyone else if you make a mess of yourself.

I know myself, personally, while I once thought I needed to relentlessly pursue a career that would end up in management, I realized when I was honest with myself, that I just didn't have the personality for that. It doesn't mean we can't grow into things and adapt etc. but we do have to be honest with ourselves and see when the time has come to call time on a particular situation.

So, you could ask to get reassigned? Take some leave, even unpaid? An extended sabbatical? You are young and there's a million things you can do.

Best of luck OP - I hope it works out.

LonelyBoy84

Since this has all started I've totally changed my approach to work & am not over extending myself like I used to. I've spoken to my boss and told him that this is the new norm for me. I'm also trying to work from home a day a week - finishing at 5pm on the button etc.
The conundrum to some extent is that when I'm busy in work (even now), I've less time to get lost in my head and tend to catch myself laughing like the old me, or not worrying for a decent period of time, so it's kind of a catch 22! But yea, I'm definitely changing my life to put the emphasis back on me and looking after myself.

The struggle at the minute is while anxiety has dialed down loads, I'm feeling very flat a lot.
Before, despite having big breakdowns at times and really worrying so much - there was also times when I had real clarity and felt excited about things and knew I'd beat this. I "felt" like the normal me.
Now while I only feel nervous or flat all the time and am sleeping better/better able to concentrate etc - I don't really get the same moments of clarity/excitement or feel like myself ever

I'm going to my GP to chat about considering a referral to psychiatrist to see if this is as a result of the meds and if there is something we can do

Carrie50

I was told by a doctor once you HAVE to come off the meds so u can start FEELING again..while they help some through a difficult time they do NUMB you..its only my opinion but I believe diet and exercise are the better way to go..a nutritionist can really beneficial..I have been off meds for depression and anxiety for 15 years having seen a nutritionist and had counselling and exercise..for Every pill u take there is a side effect,even a painkiller..u seem to be doing really well and have tried everything you could so far..think about the nutritionist...and keep up the good work..

LonelyBoy84

Went to GP (loccum in place of my usual) on Wednesday. I asked him to make a referral to private psychiatrist who a friend of mine saw before and thought was great. They have a waiting list well into new year so just wanted to get on waiting list even. Hopefully when it comes around I won’t feel the need to avail of the appointment!

He made some interesting points. Specifically that if anxiety is brought about by significant life stress & change, it typically resolves itself within 13 months as a person adjusts.

I am doing exercise and trying to watch what I eat as much as possible too, don't worry. My preference would be to get off the meds asap.

B0jangles

I think I've read that experiencing a prolongued period of anxiety can leave your brain pretty numb to emotion in general, like your brain needs time to recover after being flooded with the chemicals associated with the anxiety, or maybe it reduces your emotional reactions generally to protect you from the pain the anxiety causes.

Either way, getting rid of the source of anxiety is huge - if you can do that, you've space to recover

Carrie50

I have just seen on ur previous posts u can take up to three valium a night!! My doctor will only give me valium three times a year..the most I have taken in extreme anxiety is two pills..I do not recover for two days..feeling low,depressed,crying for no reason and thats after one pill..they are a muscle relaxant,not a sleeping pill..I am not surprised u cant feel ur usual self..these pills bring u down not up..u know they are soo toxic if u are caught driving after taking one it is seen as "driving under the influnce"..I know they can help with extreme anxiety but pls be careful..get informed on these meds..

LonelyBoy84

Carrie50 wrote: »

I have just seen on ur previous posts u can take up to three valium a night!! My doctor will only give me valium three times a year..the most I have taken in extreme anxiety is two pills..I do not recover for two days..feeling low,depressed,crying for no reason and thats after one pill..they are a muscle relaxant,not a sleeping pill..I am not surprised u cant feel ur usual self..these pills bring u down not up..u know they are soo toxic if u are caught driving after taking one it is seen as "driving under the influnce"..I know they can help with extreme anxiety but pls be careful..get informed on these meds..

That was a long time back when I really wasn’t sleeping & theyre only 2mg tablets (which are the lightest dose). I don’t take any now generally. I’ve maybe taken a single tablet once every couple of weeks if I was having trouble sleeping on a particular night

Carrie50

Ok..they are usually 2mg but after three thats 6mg:-) I just find it soo hard to function after them..I thought maybe they were contributing to u waking up feeling low and weepy..dont get me wrong I.m all for anything to ease anxiety(legal):-) I like to know I have the valium just in case...they have been a great comfort for me many times...I.m not anti pills at all..just wanted u to be aware that for some they can be a depressant because they are a muscle relaxant..have u found any connection maybe feeling low the morning AFTER u take one!!maybe not...just sharing my experience..

LonelyBoy84

Carrie50 wrote: »

Ok..they are usually 2mg but after three thats 6mg:-) I just find it soo hard to function after them..I thought maybe they were contributing to u waking up feeling low and weepy..dont get me wrong I.m all for anything to ease anxiety(legal):-) I like to know I have the valium just in case...they have been a great comfort for me many times...I.m not anti pills at all..just wanted u to be aware that for some they can be a depressant because they are a muscle relaxant..have u found any connection maybe feeling low the morning AFTER u take one!!maybe not...just sharing my experience..

Nope, I don’t think so...but I’ll keep an eye on it. Thanks. It makes total sense that the more meds putting into system the more likely they are to impact mood

normakelle

You will get back to your old self. Three months isn't that long. When I got depression/ anxiety for the first time it was the scariest feeling in the world. These mad thoughts going around in my head. I honestly did not feel like I would ever get better but I did. anti- depressants can make you worse before they make you better and people diss valium but for the first few months they are essential to get you through this tough period until the meds kick in, then you won't need them, the same with sleeping tablets. sleep is essential as this can make your symptoms worse.

You honestly think at the time you will never laugh again but you will. It's great you have someone to talk to, that is essential. Depression is a selfish disease it's all about me me me. but there is nothing you can do about that. the smallest of tasks can feel like climbing a mountain. You wonder what thoughts were in your head before you got this because all you can think about is how you feel now.

Give the meds a chance to work, sometimes it is just a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Good luck, stay strong

LonelyBoy84

Update:

Hi, by way of an update. The last number of weeks have been a lot better. My mind is much slower in terms of worry and is rarely specific about my relationship in the cruel way it was previously (well it's never near as bad as it was before tbh, back then I just felt nothing and that my world was ending). I'm much better able to rationalize and avoid spiraling into getting very upset/or having an anxiety attack. In fact it's a long time since an anxiety attack at this stage and a few weeks since I've gotten very upset about the whole thing. I'm sleeping better, although still waking very early and totally exhausted in the mornings. I'm better able to focus in work and am performing a bit more like my old self (while also making sure not to overwork or put too much stress on myself).

I'm definitely still not myself in that I'm not looking forward with optimism and fervor like I used to - but I'm often able to enjoy the moment I'm in. Be that with my partner or with friends etc., which feels good enough for now. I still feel worried a lot and I often feel trapped in my head/constantly analyzing how I'm feeling/thinking etc. and I worry about never being like I was, or I start thinking not nice things - be it about myself, my relationship or other stuff. But it's usually short lived and it doesn't spiral like before - so that's all good progress.

I feel nearly afraid to progress with things like trying for a baby in case my anxiety comes back as bad as before but when I think about having a baby, I often feel so happy (albeit a bit scared, but I think that's normal! ) - but it feels like probably trying to push myself a bit too soon. Not sure what to do there - I know my Mrs really wants to, but she's not saying that cause she doesn't want to put pressure on me. She's the best.

I wonder sometimes if I should try and come off the meds, as the type of flatness that I'm talking about above is apparently often caused by meds. But then again, it may be them that's keeping me from spiraling - so I'm unsure.

I'm going to the gym with a trainer once a week which I'm finding good and am trying to eat a lot better. Not quite the functional medicine suggested here - but I may well try that in the future. I've had trouble finding an affordable option in that space tbh.
I'm doing CBT every couple of weeks, but must admit am finding it of limited benefit. It's very expensive (€170 per session) and all we're doing is working through a CBT self help book (Mind Over Mood) so am not sure how long I'll keep at that.

Anyway, all in all, I think I'm progressing ok. I wish I was better and it was all a distant memory. But I'm trying not to put pressure on myself (while still obviously desperate just to get the whole thing behind me and move on with life!)

Carrie50

Its great ur doing better,,and have come a long way from ur first post,well done,,lifes dealt u some blows and u mite never be ur"old self" u CAN be a better self,if u know what I mean,u have learned a lot the old u didnt know..look forward to the New you..170 euro is a ridiculous amount for any therapy,I think u should spend it on a night out for u and ur mrs..and dont worry about stress having a baby, its amazing and only stressful when they are teenagers:-)..u sound like u wuld make a great dad..I can't advise on stopping meds I only know they can make u feel flat..maybe with doctors supervision u culd try it and if feeling anxious again just go bk on them!..