How to handle an appearance-obsessed sister-in-law?

karen42

I’ve noticed over time that my sister-in-law is very focused on appearances and how everyone looks. I find this to be a very unpleasant/shallow personality trait. In general, I don’t really like her and we have personality clashes but this is one concrete thing I don’t like. I’m not sure how old she is but she’s in her 40’s and has an adult son as well as other children.

She has very strong negative emotional reactions to an external visual stimulus such as colours not matching on people’s outfits, household decor, vehicles, etc. When she drove into our housing estate she said she felt claustrophobic and would not live there. On the other hand, if she finds something pleasing to the eye she has an equally strong positive reaction. She would be embarrassed to be seen with someone over the smallest fashion transgressions. She feels the need to comment on EVERYTHING. If she’s in someone’s house and she doesn’t like the decor she’ll tell you all about the awful furniture the moment she leaves the house. She grimaces, contorts and gossips about it.

Here are 3 examples applicable to me:

One time I wasn’t planning on going anywhere that day so I wore whatever I could find that day and I ended up with a green jacket and a bright pink purse. I don’t really like the purse too much but someone gave it to me as a gift so I feel guilty about throwing it out. When she saw me she had a reaction and grimaced. She called my husband later on and told him that I needed a makeover.

One time she actually liked my makeup and outfit and she acted in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. She was in awe of me and it really creeped me out. Her daughter very rudely said to me ‘why don’t you wear makeup every day’. Whenever I wear a full face of makeup she is in awe at the sight of me.

Recently, I bought a new dress for the summer and forgot to cut the tag off. I bumped into her in public. She somehow spotted the tag and picked it off. Later she called my husband and told him that I had embarrassed myself because of the tag. I found this to be strange and I did not think the incident was embarrassing.

Anyways, this is an issue almost every time I see her. It pushes my buttons and is dramatic.

My husband often agrees with her observations so I’ve got no loyalty on my end.

GingerLily

karen42 wrote: »

My husband often agrees with her observations so I’ve got no loyalty on my end.

This is your issue - you and your husband should be a team, he should stick up for you, not talking to his stuck up sister about you behind your back. If he told her off she wouldn't keep gossiping to him.
Deal with him first

Neyite

Your husband is a dick for telling tales he knows will upset you and erode your self esteem.

He's supposed to be on your side, and I can't think of any other man who would listen to his sister bitch about his wife and not only agree, but pass on the message. The men I know would stick up for their wife and tell their sister where to go.

I suggest you stick up for yourself a bit more. Wear what you like or don't like. And if someone is critical, just pull them on it. Tell them you didn't ask for their opinion and you don't care. Gingerlily is right - deal with him first and let him tackle his sister. You don't want to be friends with someone like this but if he stops the remarks, that's something you can live with.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Why do you have to "handle her" at all? Why is her action/reaction not just water of a ducks back?

Step one. tackle your hubby. tell him under no circumstances is he to carry messages. if he gets a call/message about you and your appearance he should push back, and never carry tales.

Step two. get on with your life.

you don't need her validation, nor to seek approval. If she doesnt bother you in person, grand. The only issue is your hubby -fix that and get on with it.

nthclare

You're OK the way you are.
This is a reflection of your observers.

I used to hang out with yawwws and they're knobs.

Usually they burn out by their mid 40's and end looking like Iggy Pop.

Plenty of these types swilling on vino and hyno.

Seen a bunch of them at Linnanes resturaunt in New Quay Co Clare over the weekend, all they did was big themselves up, they were right beside us talking loud and boasting about sun glasses, shopping in Brown Thomas and one asked me where could she find the nearest pharmacy ???

Usually shallow yaws like to control everything around them to make themselves better than the other yaw who they're in competition with.

Ironically there was a few arty bohemian types of women sitting near by who were way better looking and more healthy looking too, sitting nearby.

You could see the yaws watching any of them when they stood up to go to the toilet or bar and the leader of the pride of potential cougars passed a rude remark to her friends about the look of yer wan....

I thought it was hilarious, because one of the boho ladies was married to a rock star, two were super models and another was one of their daughter's.....

They sometimes stay in a refurbished country home in the Burren, been to a few of their parties as I sometimes look after their garden's....

karen42

Neyite wrote: »

Your husband is a dick for telling tales he knows will upset you and erode your self esteem.

He's supposed to be on your side, and I can't think of any other man who would listen to his sister bitch about his wife and not only agree, but pass on the message. The men I know would stick up for their wife and tell their sister where to go.

I suggest you stick up for yourself a bit more. Wear what you like or don't like. And if someone is critical, just pull them on it. Tell them you didn't ask for their opinion and you don't care. Gingerlily is right - deal with him first and let him tackle his sister. You don't want to be friends with someone like this but if he stops the remarks, that's something you can live with.

I talked to my husband about this and there have been times where he did not like what I was wearing. For example, the bright pink bag with the green winter jacket. He never says anything to me about it though. I don’t think he focuses on it too much and even if I get dressed up all he says is ‘oh that’s nice’. His attitude and behaviour towards me doesn’t change based on what I am wearing.

He says his sister is right in her observations most of the time and she does not insult anyone on things they cannot control. For example, she never says anything bad about people’s weight or physique or facial features. It’s always just things they can control like how they are dressing or if they are unkept. She’s not snobby about brand names or how much things cost – you could have bought it second hand as long as it looks nice.

He says he thinks it’s just silliness and he would also be embarrassed if his price tag was sticking out.

I’m not sure if I believe him though. I think he shifts back into a certain dynamic when he is with his family and just goes with it.

I guess his sister’s observations can be quite accurate at times but I think most people wouldn’t be so heavily focused on appearances to the extent that she does. It’s like a laser beam. She’s very easily embarrassed and thinks that many things are embarrassing.

idnkph

You'll find that people are critical of others appearance because off their own issues. They want to talk everyone down to make themselves feel better. This person has huge issues. Don't take them on board. You can only feel bad if you let her make you feel that way.
Your husband is a spanner for not putting her in her place and telling her to keep her opinions to herself and not to gossip behind your back.

karen42

idnkph wrote: »

You'll find that people are critical of others appearance because off their own issues. They want to talk everyone down to make themselves feel better. This person has huge issues. Don't take them on board. You can only feel bad if you let her make you feel that way.
Your husband is a spanner for not putting her in her place and telling her to keep her opinions to herself and not to gossip behind your back.

I don't think he will do anything about this because he doesn't think it's a problem. I wonder if I should tell his sister that he tells me everything she says.

Dial Hard

karen42 wrote: »

I don't think he will do anything about this because he doesn't think it's a problem. I wonder if I should tell his sister that he tells me everything she says.

Just tell him to stop telling you what she says.

Neyite

karen42 wrote: »

I talked to my husband about this and there have been times where he did not like what I was wearing. For example, the bright pink bag with the green winter jacket. He never says anything to me about it though. I don’t think he focuses on it too much and even if I get dressed up all he says is ‘oh that’s nice’. His attitude and behaviour towards me doesn’t change based on what I am wearing.

He says his sister is right in her observations most of the time and she does not insult anyone on things they cannot control. For example, she never says anything bad about people’s weight or physique or facial features. It’s always just things they can control like how they are dressing or if they are unkept. She’s not snobby about brand names or how much things cost – you could have bought it second hand as long as it looks nice.

He says he thinks it’s just silliness and he would also be embarrassed if his price tag was sticking out.

I’m not sure if I believe him though. I think he shifts back into a certain dynamic when he is with his family and just goes with it.

I guess his sister’s observations can be quite accurate at times but I think most people wouldn’t be so heavily focused on appearances to the extent that she does. It’s like a laser beam. She’s very easily embarrassed and thinks that many things are embarrassing.

Ok well it's good that he won't insult what you wear. I slob out a lot and nothing would get said, but when I get dolled up I get compliments from the OH - that's fairly normal I think.

I don't see how someone would be embarrassed with a tag sticking out. It's just an "oops! tuck it in/cut it off" and move on.

It's a family dynamic by the sounds of it - it does rub off on everyone in it and you've spotted that he can revert a little when he's around them. But I find that if as an outsider, I point out those quirks, my partner can see it from the outside too.

So, quirks and family norms are fine, it's when they are projected onto others and -even if accurate- that observation hurts someone or makes them feel sh!t, then it's not on for an adult to do. Pointing out stuff baldly like that is a very childish thing of your SIL to do and she needs to grow up and become more tolerant and diplomatic because that's what grown ups do. the old adage "if you can't say something nice, then say nothing at all" is one that your husband should suggest his sister takes on board.

karen42

Dial Hard wrote: »

Just tell him to stop telling you what she says.

I did that in the past and it worked for a while but for some reason this time he reverted back to his old ways.

I wonder if I said to her that he tells me things whenever he goes to visit or when she calls.

valoren

I wonder does she have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome. That could explain her unempathetic and awkward interactions and statements i.e. she interacts in a curt, rude manner and doesn't realise how hurtful or insulting she is to others. Her obsessiveness with fashion and appearance might suggest that. As you say, you don't even know how old she is so to me that suggests you're not particularly close so I wouldn't be bothered trying to figure her out.

idnkph

karen42 wrote:

I don't think he will do anything about this because he doesn't think it's a problem. I wonder if I should tell his sister that he tells me everything she says.

Why don't you say it to them both when they are together?
Tell them to find someone else to gossip about and you don't appreciate being a subject of their sh1te talk.
Tell her what you think of her and let him know he is being spineless in not putting het on her place.
I wouldn't let anyone say a bad word about my partner without ripping them a new one.

salmocab

When she says something about your appearance just say direct to her that you couldn’t give a rashers what people think and your happy in your own skin and don’t need others approval or not. Kick your husband in the balls and tell him to man up.

karen42

idnkph wrote: »

Why don't you say it to them both when they are together?
Tell them to find someone else to gossip about and you don't appreciate being a subject of their sh1te talk.
Tell her what you think of her and let him know he is being spineless in not putting het on her place.
I wouldn't let anyone say a bad word about my partner without ripping them a new one.

I never go with him to visit her because I don't enjoy it lol

My husband just goes alone once and a while. My husband doesn't think that what his sister is saying is hurtful so he doesn't care. He thinks it's silliness.

idnkph

karen42 wrote:

My husband just goes alone once and a while. My husband doesn't think that what his sister is saying is hurtful so he doesn't care. He thinks it's silliness.

He's right tho. It's not hurtful unless you let it be. The thing i would find hurtful is how weak your husband is in not speaking out against his sisters jealous talk.
Don't get angry towards them. She is pathetic and so is your husband ( must be a family trait) but his behaviour is extremely disappointing

invicta

And....
is she the model of perfection?

With an attitude like that,I don’t think so.!!

karen42

invicta wrote: »

And....
is she the model of perfection?

With an attitude like that,I don’t think so.!!

No, she sure isn't and sometimes I think she dresses too young for her age like black ripped jeans and cleavage but that's just me. I don't think mothers should dress like that.

My husband said that that’s not the only reason his sister calls him and they do talk about other things but she does mention such things during the calls or when he visits her. He said her intention is not to insult people. He said she is trying to help people. It’s almost like she sees the ugly purse and can’t believe anyone would want it so she thinks the person needs her help or something like that.

meeeeh

karen42 wrote: »

No, she sure isn't and sometimes I think she dresses too young for her age like black ripped jeans and cleavage but that's just me. I don't think mothers should dress like that.

My husband said that that’s not the only reason his sister calls him and they do talk about other things but she does mention such things during the calls or when he visits her. He said her intention is not to insult people. He said she is trying to help people. It’s almost like she sees the ugly purse and can’t believe anyone would want it so she thinks the person needs her help or something like that.

I think your sister in law is a bit of a wagon but your main problem is your husband. It's ok if he gets on with her but why does he have to relay everything she says to you. He is just stroking the fire. Your husband and his sister seem to love to gossip, just tell him to stop relying yo then nonsense she says about you.

karen42

meeeeh wrote: »

I think your sister in law is a bit of a wagon but your main problem is your husband. It's ok if he gets on with her but why does he have to relay everything she says to you. He is just stroking the fire. Your husband and his sister seem to love to gossip, just tell him to stop relying yo then nonsense she says about you.

I've tried that in the past and it worked for a while but he's started up again. He's incredibly defensive of his family.

Should I tell her myself?

WIZWEB

You don't feed the dragon. Ignore her. You are not obliged in anyway to spend a single moment of your time in her presence. Take back your power by giving her none. It's never in your best interest to spend time (including in your head) with toxic people. Your husband needs a little dressing down (no pun intended)for being her whipping boy.

meeeeh

karen42 wrote: »

I've tried that in the past and it worked for a while but he's started up again. He's incredibly defensive of his family.

Should I tell her myself?

You can if you want an argument with her. I don't get what has being defensive of his family to do with it. If he doesn't annoy you with the stuff she said to him there will nothing to be defensive about.

I think the issue here is not just the sister in law, I think she annoys you enough that you are itching to confront her. It's understandable but it rarely works and in my opinion it's just not worth the hassle. If she comments on your outfit to you just reply "does it really matter" or "why do you care" and tell your husband to stop when he starts to go on about what she said or didn't say.

karen42

meeeeh wrote: »

You can if you want an argument with her. I don't get what has being defensive of his family to do with it. If he doesn't annoy you with the stuff she said to him there will nothing to be defensive about.

I think the issue here is not just the sister in law, I think she annoys you enough that you are itching to confront her. It's understandable but it rarely works and in my opinion it's just not worth the hassle. If she comments on your outfit to you just reply "does it really matter" or "why do you care" and tell your husband to stop when he starts to go on about what she said or didn't say.

Well, she probably doesn't know that he relays the information back to me. He's kind of breaching her privacy and I'm not sure if she would like it if she knew.

I guess the problem is that I can't predict when these things will happen. I don't have 'wardrobe issues' every time I see her and my husband doesn't always relay the information. So I'd have to constantly have my guard up.

Maybe if I told her he relays the info she would be embarrassed and get mad at him?

WIZWEB

karen42 wrote: »

Maybe if I told her he relays the info she would be embarrassed and get mad at him?

Absolutely not at all. You'll make her month if she knows her tactics are working so well. She's saying it to him with the full desire that it will be conveyed on to you. Disengage and be indifferent but be assertive with your partner instead about these boundaries he's crossing.

GingerLily

karen42 wrote: »

Well, she probably doesn't know that he relays the information back to me. He's kind of breaching her privacy and I'm not sure if she would like it if she knew.

I guess the problem is that I can't predict when these things will happen. I don't have 'wardrobe issues' every time I see her and my husband doesn't always relay the information. So I'd have to constantly have my guard up.

Maybe if I told her he relays the info she would be embarrassed and get mad at him?

He's breaching your trust by talking about you like that with his sister, I don't know why you don't care more about this. He needs to stop this, it's disgraceful behaviour.

miamee

A bit tongue in cheek but maybe start referring to her as Gok Wan seeing as she is so intent on makeovers on anyone at all. Or just Gok for short.

Honestly, in your position I'd ask my husband to stop relaying everything she says about me because I'm just not that interested in her opinion. If she wanted you to know, she'd tell you herself. Ask him to stop blabbing everything that comes out of her mouth...if you wanted to hear all of it, you'd go visit her with him!

Degringola

What a sad little life your sister-in-law must lead, OP.
And your husband is just as bad for indulging her pettiness.
Sorry to be so blunt.

December2012

If you do feel Like saying anything, then you can comment along the lines of

'Oh wow, that pink bag does not look good with that green coat him. You must be very embarassed"

Your response "wow. You must be so embarassed by your rudeness, silliness and shallowness about appearances. That really is unattractive".

Ie if she is rude to you, you can be rude back to her.

Or you can ignore her and spend zero time with her and on her

karen42

December2012 wrote: »

If you do feel Like saying anything, then you can comment along the lines of

'Oh wow, that pink bag does not look good with that green coat him. You must be very embarassed"

Your response "wow. You must be so embarassed by your rudeness, silliness and shallowness about appearances. That really is unattractive".

Ie if she is rude to you, you can be rude back to her.

Or you can ignore her and spend zero time with her and on her

Well she didn't say anything that bad. She just seen my pink bag and grimaced and contorted. When I left her house and she seen my husband again she mentioned it to him.

I don't go over to her house anymore. I bump into her on the street sometimes.

The problem is my husband relying the info back to me. I tried to talk to him about this and we got into a massive fight.

karen42

GingerLily wrote: »

He's breaching your trust by talking about you like that with his sister, I don't know why you don't care more about this. He needs to stop this, it's disgraceful behaviour.

I tried to talk to him about this yesterday and we ended up getting into a massive fight.

Apparently, his sister didn't say 'oh, she embarrassed herself.' She just mentioned to him about the tag on my dress but there were other things she talked to him about that day as well not just me. It was my husband who said it to me to my face but his choice of words painted out his sister to be the bad guy.

I told him not to relay the conversations that he has with his sister in private to me. We fought for hours over this. He said he has to walk on eggshells around me and that I'm controlling. He said the comments about the tag were nothing bad and that they were trying to help me. He said he'd be really embarrassed if his tag was sticking out etc. etc.

fima

Your husband sounds like a pain in the backside, as does his sister. They both sound shallow and to be honest if my husband was telling me he would be really embarrassed about a tag sticking out I’d seriously have to wonder what was going on in his head.

I would ignore the sister in law in future but I would be really questioning your husband and his loyalties, they should lie with you unless you’re being extremely irrational, which I don’t think you are.

WIZWEB

I've laughed at/with when I've seen a tag hanging out on a partner/friend. They did/do the same with me. There are so many tags hanging or stuck on these days. Then there's the inside out or back to front clothing experiences!

Your partner and you should be able to see the humour in this situation and move on. Instead he's now saying you're controlling for challenging he and his sisters assertions. There's a deeper current here and in fact he/they are attempting to control you.

December2012

Your husband is the one being brutal then.

karen42

December2012 wrote: »

Your husband is the one being brutal then.

Yeah. The discussions are so convoluted too. When he mentioned to me about the tag he wasn't laughing or smiling or joking but he expected me to take it that way. I'm not sure how anyone could find 'oh, you embarrassed yourself' to be funny.

karen42

meeeeh wrote: »

I think your sister in law is a bit of a wagon but your main problem is your husband. It's ok if he gets on with her but why does he have to relay everything she says to you. He is just stroking the fire. Your husband and his sister seem to love to gossip, just tell him to stop relying yo then nonsense she says about you.

I asked him why he feels the need to relay the info back to me and he could not answer. He didn't know why.

GingerLily

karen42 wrote: »

I asked him why he feels the need to relay the info back to me and he could not answer. He didn't know why.

Your Husband sounds emotionally abusive

seamus

It sounds more to me like your husbands think his sister's nonsense is just that and you should all have a laugh at how shallow and ridiculous she is. He relays it back to you not because he wants to hurt you or he wants you to change, but because he wants to be honest and open with you about what his family is saying, but he also wants to share in a laugh.

Nobody wants to have family talking about their spouse behind their back. He is, to a certain extent, stuck between a rock and a hard place on it. If he doesn't tell you, then he's allowing his sister to gossip about you behind your back. If he does, then he's hurting your feelings.

Realistically he needs to tell his sister that he doesn't want to hear it. If she feels the need to comment on your appearance, then your husband needs to make it clear that he is not the appropriate audience for it. That doesn't mean she won't, but if you don't have to hear, then who cares.

LolaJJ

Why do you care?

This is her problem, obviously, for whatever reason, she feels the need for perfect aesthetic harmony and she appreciates things that look good.

If it's causing her such problems that she is embarrassed about matching colours and tags hanging out, and she's in her forties.....I'd just feel bad for her...or maybe happy for her if these are the biggest issues she can find in life.

Either way, I wouldn't be letting it get to me

Faith

I don't know, I have a bit of a different interpretation of things than the majority here, and possibly I'm miles off the mark. But you've said that the remarks your sister-in-law made are sometimes things you'd objectively agree with (the bag and jacket didn't look good together etc). Is it possible that your husband is bothered by it when you go out wearing clashing outfits but just doesn't know how to say it to you himself? Could it be that he relays back what his sister says because then she's the "bad guy" but he also gets to subtly tell you he agrees with her assessment?

It also sounds like your sister-in-law compliments you as much as criticises, but you're very dismissive of that (and, I feel, a bit rude in your description yourself - "it really creeped me out"). It's perfectly fine if you'd rather she never said anything about your appearance, but it sounds like that's not in her nature so it's out of your control, unfortunately.

I guess I just wonder why you react so strongly to this? I agree that it's not cool that your husband is ignoring your wishes and continues to relay back his sister's comments, and it sounds like that needs exploring further (I know you said he 'couldn't answer'). Have you said directly to her that you find it uncomfortable and inappropriate when she comments on your appearance? Your husband sounds very stuck in the middle. Perhaps it would be useful to invite your SIL to have a coffee and to politely tell her how you feel. She might have no idea that she's upsetting you. Overall, it sounds like communication is a big issue between the three of you!

Katgurl

Yes I would say it to her, right in front of him.

With a huge smile I would say "hi SIL, I heard you were not impressed with my tag sticking out of my dress the other day... I wish I had your problems if that's what is bothering you so much that you need to bring it up with your brother"

karen42

Katgurl wrote: »

Yes I would say it to her, right in front of him.

With a huge smile I would say "hi SIL, I heard you were not impressed with my tag sticking out of my dress the other day... I wish I had your problems if that's what is bothering you so much that you need to bring it up with your brother"

I guess the problem with that is the fact that I hardly have any relationship with my in-laws and they are not really involved in our life. I have not seen or spoken to my SIL since last Halloween except for just bumping into her in public which makes the tag thing even weirder.

We have no relationship at all. They don't keep in touch with me or talk to me outside of family events (neither do I) so I'm not sure why she would choose to focus so heavily on my clothes and tag. My husband said she does that to everyone though.

karen42

Faith wrote: »

I don't know, I have a bit of a different interpretation of things than the majority here, and possibly I'm miles off the mark. But you've said that the remarks your sister-in-law made are sometimes things you'd objectively agree with (the bag and jacket didn't look good together etc). Is it possible that your husband is bothered by it when you go out wearing clashing outfits but just doesn't know how to say it to you himself? Could it be that he relays back what his sister says because then she's the "bad guy" but he also gets to subtly tell you he agrees with her assessment?

It also sounds like your sister-in-law compliments you as much as criticises, but you're very dismissive of that (and, I feel, a bit rude in your description yourself - "it really creeped me out"). It's perfectly fine if you'd rather she never said anything about your appearance, but it sounds like that's not in her nature so it's out of your control, unfortunately.

I guess I just wonder why you react so strongly to this? I agree that it's not cool that your husband is ignoring your wishes and continues to relay back his sister's comments, and it sounds like that needs exploring further (I know you said he 'couldn't answer'). Have you said directly to her that you find it uncomfortable and inappropriate when she comments on your appearance? Your husband sounds very stuck in the middle. Perhaps it would be useful to invite your SIL to have a coffee and to politely tell her how you feel. She might have no idea that she's upsetting you. Overall, it sounds like communication is a big issue between the three of you!

Just last night my husband gave out to me about wanting to wear ripped yoga pants to my yoga class. I don't see what the big deal is and I'm not sure if anyone would notice or care?

Yes, her objective observations can be correct. The really bright pink bag does not go with the army green jacket. My husband also agrees with that. And possibly white socks don't go with black slacks etc.

I don't agree with her observation that the housing estate I live in is claustrophobic.

I guess I'm not a very appearance-based person. Looks are not the first things I notice about people and not what draws me to people. I mean I have trouble noticing a coworker got a haircut or lost/gained weight. I'm kind of oblivious at times really. If I only met someone once I'd probably never recognize them in public. I need more contact to have the person in my head.

I find makeup to be a touchy topic too. It's fake crap you put onto your face to make you look different. I don't think it's a compliment to think someone looks better with it on their face. I've also got super sensitive skin so I would have to spend a lot of money on dermatological makeup so it doesn't burn the skin on my face.

I also just find it really uncomfortable if another woman is 'in awe' of how I look. I've never thought that a woman was breathtakingly beautiful to that extent. I don't know I just don't think of people that way.

From my point of view, I don't have much of a relationship with my in-laws. They don't keep in touch with me and I don't keep in touch with them. Nothing in common and no good chemistry/vibes there. I haven't seen them in several months except for bumping into them in public once and a while. It's also very contentious and prone to misunderstanding.

karen42

seamus wrote: »

It sounds more to me like your husbands think his sister's nonsense is just that and you should all have a laugh at how shallow and ridiculous she is. He relays it back to you not because he wants to hurt you or he wants you to change, but because he wants to be honest and open with you about what his family is saying, but he also wants to share in a laugh.

Nobody wants to have family talking about their spouse behind their back. He is, to a certain extent, stuck between a rock and a hard place on it. If he doesn't tell you, then he's allowing his sister to gossip about you behind your back. If he does, then he's hurting your feelings.

Realistically he needs to tell his sister that he doesn't want to hear it. If she feels the need to comment on your appearance, then your husband needs to make it clear that he is not the appropriate audience for it. That doesn't mean she won't, but if you don't have to hear, then who cares.

Yes, I have a weird triangulated relationship with my in-laws. They never reach out to me or talk/keep in touch but they ask my husband how I am at times. Even when I go to family events (which are rare) they would rather ask my husband questions about me then sit down with me and have a face-to-face conversation getting to know me.

Sometimes they'll even ask my husband to ask me if I want pepper on my potatoes even if I am sitting right beside him.

It's very weird, tense, and contentious. I have no idea why but the feeling is mutual.

My husband is caught in the middle even just bumping into his relatives on the street!

Ghekko

At least you don't have to see her often. Next time your husband even starts a sentence with her name, stop him. Calmly tell him you are not interested in hearing her opinions. It seems he needs to be 'trained' to stop mentioning her. He's the problem as he's relaying the information. If he never mentioned her again you wouldn't have to think about her again. She sounds a bit unhinged and must have a miserable existence if the sight of people's clothes/furnishings can get her in a tizzy. Next time you have a family event please make sure you wear the most awful clashing outfit you can throw together :-)

Big Bag of Chips

Karen42, I am going to lock this thread as I feel you have gotten whatever advice can be given to you. You have had a number of posts here now about your relationship with your in-laws, and it seems nothing is going to change. It seems, other than your husband you have nothing in common with each other. You don't need to be friends, you don't even need to be in each other's company. Family functions are optional events! I think you would be Mich happier if you just distanced yourself completely from these people, and didn't expect anything other than what you've always gotten from them.

Thread locked.