How to handle an appearance-obsessed sister-in-law?

WIZWEB

I've laughed at/with when I've seen a tag hanging out on a partner/friend. They did/do the same with me. There are so many tags hanging or stuck on these days. Then there's the inside out or back to front clothing experiences!

Your partner and you should be able to see the humour in this situation and move on. Instead he's now saying you're controlling for challenging he and his sisters assertions. There's a deeper current here and in fact he/they are attempting to control you.

December2012

Your husband is the one being brutal then.

karen42

December2012 wrote: »

Your husband is the one being brutal then.

Yeah. The discussions are so convoluted too. When he mentioned to me about the tag he wasn't laughing or smiling or joking but he expected me to take it that way. I'm not sure how anyone could find 'oh, you embarrassed yourself' to be funny.

karen42

meeeeh wrote: »

I think your sister in law is a bit of a wagon but your main problem is your husband. It's ok if he gets on with her but why does he have to relay everything she says to you. He is just stroking the fire. Your husband and his sister seem to love to gossip, just tell him to stop relying yo then nonsense she says about you.

I asked him why he feels the need to relay the info back to me and he could not answer. He didn't know why.

GingerLily

karen42 wrote: »

I asked him why he feels the need to relay the info back to me and he could not answer. He didn't know why.

Your Husband sounds emotionally abusive

seamus

It sounds more to me like your husbands think his sister's nonsense is just that and you should all have a laugh at how shallow and ridiculous she is. He relays it back to you not because he wants to hurt you or he wants you to change, but because he wants to be honest and open with you about what his family is saying, but he also wants to share in a laugh.

Nobody wants to have family talking about their spouse behind their back. He is, to a certain extent, stuck between a rock and a hard place on it. If he doesn't tell you, then he's allowing his sister to gossip about you behind your back. If he does, then he's hurting your feelings.

Realistically he needs to tell his sister that he doesn't want to hear it. If she feels the need to comment on your appearance, then your husband needs to make it clear that he is not the appropriate audience for it. That doesn't mean she won't, but if you don't have to hear, then who cares.

LolaJJ

Why do you care?

This is her problem, obviously, for whatever reason, she feels the need for perfect aesthetic harmony and she appreciates things that look good.

If it's causing her such problems that she is embarrassed about matching colours and tags hanging out, and she's in her forties.....I'd just feel bad for her...or maybe happy for her if these are the biggest issues she can find in life.

Either way, I wouldn't be letting it get to me

Faith

I don't know, I have a bit of a different interpretation of things than the majority here, and possibly I'm miles off the mark. But you've said that the remarks your sister-in-law made are sometimes things you'd objectively agree with (the bag and jacket didn't look good together etc). Is it possible that your husband is bothered by it when you go out wearing clashing outfits but just doesn't know how to say it to you himself? Could it be that he relays back what his sister says because then she's the "bad guy" but he also gets to subtly tell you he agrees with her assessment?

It also sounds like your sister-in-law compliments you as much as criticises, but you're very dismissive of that (and, I feel, a bit rude in your description yourself - "it really creeped me out"). It's perfectly fine if you'd rather she never said anything about your appearance, but it sounds like that's not in her nature so it's out of your control, unfortunately.

I guess I just wonder why you react so strongly to this? I agree that it's not cool that your husband is ignoring your wishes and continues to relay back his sister's comments, and it sounds like that needs exploring further (I know you said he 'couldn't answer'). Have you said directly to her that you find it uncomfortable and inappropriate when she comments on your appearance? Your husband sounds very stuck in the middle. Perhaps it would be useful to invite your SIL to have a coffee and to politely tell her how you feel. She might have no idea that she's upsetting you. Overall, it sounds like communication is a big issue between the three of you!

Katgurl

Yes I would say it to her, right in front of him.

With a huge smile I would say "hi SIL, I heard you were not impressed with my tag sticking out of my dress the other day... I wish I had your problems if that's what is bothering you so much that you need to bring it up with your brother"

karen42

Katgurl wrote: »

Yes I would say it to her, right in front of him.

With a huge smile I would say "hi SIL, I heard you were not impressed with my tag sticking out of my dress the other day... I wish I had your problems if that's what is bothering you so much that you need to bring it up with your brother"

I guess the problem with that is the fact that I hardly have any relationship with my in-laws and they are not really involved in our life. I have not seen or spoken to my SIL since last Halloween except for just bumping into her in public which makes the tag thing even weirder.

We have no relationship at all. They don't keep in touch with me or talk to me outside of family events (neither do I) so I'm not sure why she would choose to focus so heavily on my clothes and tag. My husband said she does that to everyone though.

karen42

Faith wrote: »

I don't know, I have a bit of a different interpretation of things than the majority here, and possibly I'm miles off the mark. But you've said that the remarks your sister-in-law made are sometimes things you'd objectively agree with (the bag and jacket didn't look good together etc). Is it possible that your husband is bothered by it when you go out wearing clashing outfits but just doesn't know how to say it to you himself? Could it be that he relays back what his sister says because then she's the "bad guy" but he also gets to subtly tell you he agrees with her assessment?

It also sounds like your sister-in-law compliments you as much as criticises, but you're very dismissive of that (and, I feel, a bit rude in your description yourself - "it really creeped me out"). It's perfectly fine if you'd rather she never said anything about your appearance, but it sounds like that's not in her nature so it's out of your control, unfortunately.

I guess I just wonder why you react so strongly to this? I agree that it's not cool that your husband is ignoring your wishes and continues to relay back his sister's comments, and it sounds like that needs exploring further (I know you said he 'couldn't answer'). Have you said directly to her that you find it uncomfortable and inappropriate when she comments on your appearance? Your husband sounds very stuck in the middle. Perhaps it would be useful to invite your SIL to have a coffee and to politely tell her how you feel. She might have no idea that she's upsetting you. Overall, it sounds like communication is a big issue between the three of you!

Just last night my husband gave out to me about wanting to wear ripped yoga pants to my yoga class. I don't see what the big deal is and I'm not sure if anyone would notice or care?

Yes, her objective observations can be correct. The really bright pink bag does not go with the army green jacket. My husband also agrees with that. And possibly white socks don't go with black slacks etc.

I don't agree with her observation that the housing estate I live in is claustrophobic.

I guess I'm not a very appearance-based person. Looks are not the first things I notice about people and not what draws me to people. I mean I have trouble noticing a coworker got a haircut or lost/gained weight. I'm kind of oblivious at times really. If I only met someone once I'd probably never recognize them in public. I need more contact to have the person in my head.

I find makeup to be a touchy topic too. It's fake crap you put onto your face to make you look different. I don't think it's a compliment to think someone looks better with it on their face. I've also got super sensitive skin so I would have to spend a lot of money on dermatological makeup so it doesn't burn the skin on my face.

I also just find it really uncomfortable if another woman is 'in awe' of how I look. I've never thought that a woman was breathtakingly beautiful to that extent. I don't know I just don't think of people that way.

From my point of view, I don't have much of a relationship with my in-laws. They don't keep in touch with me and I don't keep in touch with them. Nothing in common and no good chemistry/vibes there. I haven't seen them in several months except for bumping into them in public once and a while. It's also very contentious and prone to misunderstanding.

karen42

seamus wrote: »

It sounds more to me like your husbands think his sister's nonsense is just that and you should all have a laugh at how shallow and ridiculous she is. He relays it back to you not because he wants to hurt you or he wants you to change, but because he wants to be honest and open with you about what his family is saying, but he also wants to share in a laugh.

Nobody wants to have family talking about their spouse behind their back. He is, to a certain extent, stuck between a rock and a hard place on it. If he doesn't tell you, then he's allowing his sister to gossip about you behind your back. If he does, then he's hurting your feelings.

Realistically he needs to tell his sister that he doesn't want to hear it. If she feels the need to comment on your appearance, then your husband needs to make it clear that he is not the appropriate audience for it. That doesn't mean she won't, but if you don't have to hear, then who cares.

Yes, I have a weird triangulated relationship with my in-laws. They never reach out to me or talk/keep in touch but they ask my husband how I am at times. Even when I go to family events (which are rare) they would rather ask my husband questions about me then sit down with me and have a face-to-face conversation getting to know me.

Sometimes they'll even ask my husband to ask me if I want pepper on my potatoes even if I am sitting right beside him.

It's very weird, tense, and contentious. I have no idea why but the feeling is mutual.

My husband is caught in the middle even just bumping into his relatives on the street!

Ghekko

At least you don't have to see her often. Next time your husband even starts a sentence with her name, stop him. Calmly tell him you are not interested in hearing her opinions. It seems he needs to be 'trained' to stop mentioning her. He's the problem as he's relaying the information. If he never mentioned her again you wouldn't have to think about her again. She sounds a bit unhinged and must have a miserable existence if the sight of people's clothes/furnishings can get her in a tizzy. Next time you have a family event please make sure you wear the most awful clashing outfit you can throw together :-)

Big Bag of Chips

Karen42, I am going to lock this thread as I feel you have gotten whatever advice can be given to you. You have had a number of posts here now about your relationship with your in-laws, and it seems nothing is going to change. It seems, other than your husband you have nothing in common with each other. You don't need to be friends, you don't even need to be in each other's company. Family functions are optional events! I think you would be Mich happier if you just distanced yourself completely from these people, and didn't expect anything other than what you've always gotten from them.

Thread locked.