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How to handle an appearance-obsessed sister-in-law?

karen42

I’ve noticed over time that my sister-in-law is very focused on appearances and how everyone looks. I find this to be a very unpleasant/shallow personality trait. In general, I don’t really like her and we have personality clashes but this is one concrete thing I don’t like. I’m not sure how old she is but she’s in her 40’s and has an adult son as well as other children.

She has very strong negative emotional reactions to an external visual stimulus such as colours not matching on people’s outfits, household decor, vehicles, etc. When she drove into our housing estate she said she felt claustrophobic and would not live there. On the other hand, if she finds something pleasing to the eye she has an equally strong positive reaction. She would be embarrassed to be seen with someone over the smallest fashion transgressions. She feels the need to comment on EVERYTHING. If she’s in someone’s house and she doesn’t like the decor she’ll tell you all about the awful furniture the moment she leaves the house. She grimaces, contorts and gossips about it.

Here are 3 examples applicable to me:

One time I wasn’t planning on going anywhere that day so I wore whatever I could find that day and I ended up with a green jacket and a bright pink purse. I don’t really like the purse too much but someone gave it to me as a gift so I feel guilty about throwing it out. When she saw me she had a reaction and grimaced. She called my husband later on and told him that I needed a makeover.

One time she actually liked my makeup and outfit and she acted in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. She was in awe of me and it really creeped me out. Her daughter very rudely said to me ‘why don’t you wear makeup every day’. Whenever I wear a full face of makeup she is in awe at the sight of me.

Recently, I bought a new dress for the summer and forgot to cut the tag off. I bumped into her in public. She somehow spotted the tag and picked it off. Later she called my husband and told him that I had embarrassed myself because of the tag. I found this to be strange and I did not think the incident was embarrassing.

Anyways, this is an issue almost every time I see her. It pushes my buttons and is dramatic.

My husband often agrees with her observations so I’ve got no loyalty on my end.

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GingerLily

karen42 wrote: »

My husband often agrees with her observations so I’ve got no loyalty on my end.

This is your issue - you and your husband should be a team, he should stick up for you, not talking to his stuck up sister about you behind your back. If he told her off she wouldn't keep gossiping to him.
Deal with him first

Neyite

Your husband is a dick for telling tales he knows will upset you and erode your self esteem.

He's supposed to be on your side, and I can't think of any other man who would listen to his sister bitch about his wife and not only agree, but pass on the message. The men I know would stick up for their wife and tell their sister where to go.

I suggest you stick up for yourself a bit more. Wear what you like or don't like. And if someone is critical, just pull them on it. Tell them you didn't ask for their opinion and you don't care. Gingerlily is right - deal with him first and let him tackle his sister. You don't want to be friends with someone like this but if he stops the remarks, that's something you can live with.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Why do you have to "handle her" at all? Why is her action/reaction not just water of a ducks back?

Step one. tackle your hubby. tell him under no circumstances is he to carry messages. if he gets a call/message about you and your appearance he should push back, and never carry tales.

Step two. get on with your life.

you don't need her validation, nor to seek approval. If she doesnt bother you in person, grand. The only issue is your hubby -fix that and get on with it.

nthclare

You're OK the way you are.
This is a reflection of your observers.

I used to hang out with yawwws and they're knobs.

Usually they burn out by their mid 40's and end looking like Iggy Pop.

Plenty of these types swilling on vino and hyno.

Seen a bunch of them at Linnanes resturaunt in New Quay Co Clare over the weekend, all they did was big themselves up, they were right beside us talking loud and boasting about sun glasses, shopping in Brown Thomas and one asked me where could she find the nearest pharmacy ???

Usually shallow yaws like to control everything around them to make themselves better than the other yaw who they're in competition with.

Ironically there was a few arty bohemian types of women sitting near by who were way better looking and more healthy looking too, sitting nearby.

You could see the yaws watching any of them when they stood up to go to the toilet or bar and the leader of the pride of potential cougars passed a rude remark to her friends about the look of yer wan....

I thought it was hilarious, because one of the boho ladies was married to a rock star, two were super models and another was one of their daughter's.....

They sometimes stay in a refurbished country home in the Burren, been to a few of their parties as I sometimes look after their garden's....

karen42

Neyite wrote: »

Your husband is a dick for telling tales he knows will upset you and erode your self esteem.

He's supposed to be on your side, and I can't think of any other man who would listen to his sister bitch about his wife and not only agree, but pass on the message. The men I know would stick up for their wife and tell their sister where to go.

I suggest you stick up for yourself a bit more. Wear what you like or don't like. And if someone is critical, just pull them on it. Tell them you didn't ask for their opinion and you don't care. Gingerlily is right - deal with him first and let him tackle his sister. You don't want to be friends with someone like this but if he stops the remarks, that's something you can live with.

I talked to my husband about this and there have been times where he did not like what I was wearing. For example, the bright pink bag with the green winter jacket. He never says anything to me about it though. I don’t think he focuses on it too much and even if I get dressed up all he says is ‘oh that’s nice’. His attitude and behaviour towards me doesn’t change based on what I am wearing.

He says his sister is right in her observations most of the time and she does not insult anyone on things they cannot control. For example, she never says anything bad about people’s weight or physique or facial features. It’s always just things they can control like how they are dressing or if they are unkept. She’s not snobby about brand names or how much things cost – you could have bought it second hand as long as it looks nice.

He says he thinks it’s just silliness and he would also be embarrassed if his price tag was sticking out.

I’m not sure if I believe him though. I think he shifts back into a certain dynamic when he is with his family and just goes with it.

I guess his sister’s observations can be quite accurate at times but I think most people wouldn’t be so heavily focused on appearances to the extent that she does. It’s like a laser beam. She’s very easily embarrassed and thinks that many things are embarrassing.

idnkph

You'll find that people are critical of others appearance because off their own issues. They want to talk everyone down to make themselves feel better. This person has huge issues. Don't take them on board. You can only feel bad if you let her make you feel that way.
Your husband is a spanner for not putting her in her place and telling her to keep her opinions to herself and not to gossip behind your back.

karen42

idnkph wrote: »

You'll find that people are critical of others appearance because off their own issues. They want to talk everyone down to make themselves feel better. This person has huge issues. Don't take them on board. You can only feel bad if you let her make you feel that way.
Your husband is a spanner for not putting her in her place and telling her to keep her opinions to herself and not to gossip behind your back.

I don't think he will do anything about this because he doesn't think it's a problem. I wonder if I should tell his sister that he tells me everything she says.

Dial Hard

karen42 wrote: »

I don't think he will do anything about this because he doesn't think it's a problem. I wonder if I should tell his sister that he tells me everything she says.

Just tell him to stop telling you what she says.

Neyite

karen42 wrote: »

I talked to my husband about this and there have been times where he did not like what I was wearing. For example, the bright pink bag with the green winter jacket. He never says anything to me about it though. I don’t think he focuses on it too much and even if I get dressed up all he says is ‘oh that’s nice’. His attitude and behaviour towards me doesn’t change based on what I am wearing.

He says his sister is right in her observations most of the time and she does not insult anyone on things they cannot control. For example, she never says anything bad about people’s weight or physique or facial features. It’s always just things they can control like how they are dressing or if they are unkept. She’s not snobby about brand names or how much things cost – you could have bought it second hand as long as it looks nice.

He says he thinks it’s just silliness and he would also be embarrassed if his price tag was sticking out.

I’m not sure if I believe him though. I think he shifts back into a certain dynamic when he is with his family and just goes with it.

I guess his sister’s observations can be quite accurate at times but I think most people wouldn’t be so heavily focused on appearances to the extent that she does. It’s like a laser beam. She’s very easily embarrassed and thinks that many things are embarrassing.

Ok well it's good that he won't insult what you wear. I slob out a lot and nothing would get said, but when I get dolled up I get compliments from the OH - that's fairly normal I think.

I don't see how someone would be embarrassed with a tag sticking out. It's just an "oops! tuck it in/cut it off" and move on.

It's a family dynamic by the sounds of it - it does rub off on everyone in it and you've spotted that he can revert a little when he's around them. But I find that if as an outsider, I point out those quirks, my partner can see it from the outside too.

So, quirks and family norms are fine, it's when they are projected onto others and -even if accurate- that observation hurts someone or makes them feel sh!t, then it's not on for an adult to do. Pointing out stuff baldly like that is a very childish thing of your SIL to do and she needs to grow up and become more tolerant and diplomatic because that's what grown ups do. the old adage "if you can't say something nice, then say nothing at all" is one that your husband should suggest his sister takes on board.

karen42

Dial Hard wrote: »

Just tell him to stop telling you what she says.

I did that in the past and it worked for a while but for some reason this time he reverted back to his old ways.

I wonder if I said to her that he tells me things whenever he goes to visit or when she calls.

valoren

I wonder does she have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome. That could explain her unempathetic and awkward interactions and statements i.e. she interacts in a curt, rude manner and doesn't realise how hurtful or insulting she is to others. Her obsessiveness with fashion and appearance might suggest that. As you say, you don't even know how old she is so to me that suggests you're not particularly close so I wouldn't be bothered trying to figure her out.

idnkph

karen42 wrote:

I don't think he will do anything about this because he doesn't think it's a problem. I wonder if I should tell his sister that he tells me everything she says.

Why don't you say it to them both when they are together?
Tell them to find someone else to gossip about and you don't appreciate being a subject of their sh1te talk.
Tell her what you think of her and let him know he is being spineless in not putting het on her place.
I wouldn't let anyone say a bad word about my partner without ripping them a new one.

salmocab

When she says something about your appearance just say direct to her that you couldn’t give a rashers what people think and your happy in your own skin and don’t need others approval or not. Kick your husband in the balls and tell him to man up.

karen42

idnkph wrote: »

Why don't you say it to them both when they are together?
Tell them to find someone else to gossip about and you don't appreciate being a subject of their sh1te talk.
Tell her what you think of her and let him know he is being spineless in not putting het on her place.
I wouldn't let anyone say a bad word about my partner without ripping them a new one.

I never go with him to visit her because I don't enjoy it lol

My husband just goes alone once and a while. My husband doesn't think that what his sister is saying is hurtful so he doesn't care. He thinks it's silliness.

idnkph

karen42 wrote:

My husband just goes alone once and a while. My husband doesn't think that what his sister is saying is hurtful so he doesn't care. He thinks it's silliness.

He's right tho. It's not hurtful unless you let it be. The thing i would find hurtful is how weak your husband is in not speaking out against his sisters jealous talk.
Don't get angry towards them. She is pathetic and so is your husband ( must be a family trait) but his behaviour is extremely disappointing

invicta

And....
is she the model of perfection?

With an attitude like that,I don’t think so.!!

karen42

invicta wrote: »

And....
is she the model of perfection?

With an attitude like that,I don’t think so.!!

No, she sure isn't and sometimes I think she dresses too young for her age like black ripped jeans and cleavage but that's just me. I don't think mothers should dress like that.

My husband said that that’s not the only reason his sister calls him and they do talk about other things but she does mention such things during the calls or when he visits her. He said her intention is not to insult people. He said she is trying to help people. It’s almost like she sees the ugly purse and can’t believe anyone would want it so she thinks the person needs her help or something like that.

meeeeh

karen42 wrote: »

No, she sure isn't and sometimes I think she dresses too young for her age like black ripped jeans and cleavage but that's just me. I don't think mothers should dress like that.

My husband said that that’s not the only reason his sister calls him and they do talk about other things but she does mention such things during the calls or when he visits her. He said her intention is not to insult people. He said she is trying to help people. It’s almost like she sees the ugly purse and can’t believe anyone would want it so she thinks the person needs her help or something like that.

I think your sister in law is a bit of a wagon but your main problem is your husband. It's ok if he gets on with her but why does he have to relay everything she says to you. He is just stroking the fire. Your husband and his sister seem to love to gossip, just tell him to stop relying yo then nonsense she says about you.

karen42

meeeeh wrote: »

I think your sister in law is a bit of a wagon but your main problem is your husband. It's ok if he gets on with her but why does he have to relay everything she says to you. He is just stroking the fire. Your husband and his sister seem to love to gossip, just tell him to stop relying yo then nonsense she says about you.

I've tried that in the past and it worked for a while but he's started up again. He's incredibly defensive of his family.

Should I tell her myself?

WIZWEB

You don't feed the dragon. Ignore her. You are not obliged in anyway to spend a single moment of your time in her presence. Take back your power by giving her none. It's never in your best interest to spend time (including in your head) with toxic people. Your husband needs a little dressing down (no pun intended)for being her whipping boy.

meeeeh

karen42 wrote: »

I've tried that in the past and it worked for a while but he's started up again. He's incredibly defensive of his family.

Should I tell her myself?

You can if you want an argument with her. I don't get what has being defensive of his family to do with it. If he doesn't annoy you with the stuff she said to him there will nothing to be defensive about.

I think the issue here is not just the sister in law, I think she annoys you enough that you are itching to confront her. It's understandable but it rarely works and in my opinion it's just not worth the hassle. If she comments on your outfit to you just reply "does it really matter" or "why do you care" and tell your husband to stop when he starts to go on about what she said or didn't say.

karen42

meeeeh wrote: »

You can if you want an argument with her. I don't get what has being defensive of his family to do with it. If he doesn't annoy you with the stuff she said to him there will nothing to be defensive about.

I think the issue here is not just the sister in law, I think she annoys you enough that you are itching to confront her. It's understandable but it rarely works and in my opinion it's just not worth the hassle. If she comments on your outfit to you just reply "does it really matter" or "why do you care" and tell your husband to stop when he starts to go on about what she said or didn't say.

Well, she probably doesn't know that he relays the information back to me. He's kind of breaching her privacy and I'm not sure if she would like it if she knew.

I guess the problem is that I can't predict when these things will happen. I don't have 'wardrobe issues' every time I see her and my husband doesn't always relay the information. So I'd have to constantly have my guard up.

Maybe if I told her he relays the info she would be embarrassed and get mad at him?

WIZWEB

karen42 wrote: »

Maybe if I told her he relays the info she would be embarrassed and get mad at him?

Absolutely not at all. You'll make her month if she knows her tactics are working so well. She's saying it to him with the full desire that it will be conveyed on to you. Disengage and be indifferent but be assertive with your partner instead about these boundaries he's crossing.

GingerLily

karen42 wrote: »

Well, she probably doesn't know that he relays the information back to me. He's kind of breaching her privacy and I'm not sure if she would like it if she knew.

I guess the problem is that I can't predict when these things will happen. I don't have 'wardrobe issues' every time I see her and my husband doesn't always relay the information. So I'd have to constantly have my guard up.

Maybe if I told her he relays the info she would be embarrassed and get mad at him?

He's breaching your trust by talking about you like that with his sister, I don't know why you don't care more about this. He needs to stop this, it's disgraceful behaviour.

miamee

A bit tongue in cheek but maybe start referring to her as Gok Wan seeing as she is so intent on makeovers on anyone at all. Or just Gok for short.

Honestly, in your position I'd ask my husband to stop relaying everything she says about me because I'm just not that interested in her opinion. If she wanted you to know, she'd tell you herself. Ask him to stop blabbing everything that comes out of her mouth...if you wanted to hear all of it, you'd go visit her with him!

Degringola

What a sad little life your sister-in-law must lead, OP.
And your husband is just as bad for indulging her pettiness.
Sorry to be so blunt.

December2012

If you do feel Like saying anything, then you can comment along the lines of

'Oh wow, that pink bag does not look good with that green coat him. You must be very embarassed"

Your response "wow. You must be so embarassed by your rudeness, silliness and shallowness about appearances. That really is unattractive".

Ie if she is rude to you, you can be rude back to her.

Or you can ignore her and spend zero time with her and on her

karen42

December2012 wrote: »

If you do feel Like saying anything, then you can comment along the lines of

'Oh wow, that pink bag does not look good with that green coat him. You must be very embarassed"

Your response "wow. You must be so embarassed by your rudeness, silliness and shallowness about appearances. That really is unattractive".

Ie if she is rude to you, you can be rude back to her.

Or you can ignore her and spend zero time with her and on her

Well she didn't say anything that bad. She just seen my pink bag and grimaced and contorted. When I left her house and she seen my husband again she mentioned it to him.

I don't go over to her house anymore. I bump into her on the street sometimes.

The problem is my husband relying the info back to me. I tried to talk to him about this and we got into a massive fight.

karen42

GingerLily wrote: »

He's breaching your trust by talking about you like that with his sister, I don't know why you don't care more about this. He needs to stop this, it's disgraceful behaviour.

I tried to talk to him about this yesterday and we ended up getting into a massive fight.

Apparently, his sister didn't say 'oh, she embarrassed herself.' She just mentioned to him about the tag on my dress but there were other things she talked to him about that day as well not just me. It was my husband who said it to me to my face but his choice of words painted out his sister to be the bad guy.

I told him not to relay the conversations that he has with his sister in private to me. We fought for hours over this. He said he has to walk on eggshells around me and that I'm controlling. He said the comments about the tag were nothing bad and that they were trying to help me. He said he'd be really embarrassed if his tag was sticking out etc. etc.

fima

Your husband sounds like a pain in the backside, as does his sister. They both sound shallow and to be honest if my husband was telling me he would be really embarrassed about a tag sticking out I’d seriously have to wonder what was going on in his head.

I would ignore the sister in law in future but I would be really questioning your husband and his loyalties, they should lie with you unless you’re being extremely irrational, which I don’t think you are.