Husband had an emotional affair

Heartbrokenlol

dellas1979 wrote: »

Sounds like he doesnt have the balls to end things, so he is going to push it on to you to make that decision. Will devoid him of responsibility of course.
Am afraid you are going to have to take the bulls by the horns, take some control, and start making some decisions, for yourself.
From what you say, you are putting a lot of effort into this. If this was myself, I would feel ive tried. I tried. So, Id walk away with no regrets.

Yes I have no regrets up to this point and if things do end I will know that I gave 110%

I do need to take back control. It's just dragging on

Heartbrokenlol

dudara wrote: »

It’s fine to say that when you’re young or have an inexperienced view of relationships. It’s a very one-dimensional view. But life can teach you differently. I think that was an excellent, honest post and it shows the many different complexities that long term relationships have to navigate.

OP - I’d urge you to read that post carefully. If your husband isn’t showing any evidence of cutting ties with this person, or is continuing to blame you, then he’s still involved in the affair. And while he’s involved in the affair, he wil never sincerely try to resolve your relationship.

It might be time for you to call his bluff. But if he doesn’t react, you’ll have to be prepared to walk away

Yes you're right. How do I call his bluff? I can also say no contact with her but how will I know if that's true!

To be honest I am preparing myself to walk away. I can't continue like this forever

dudara

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Yes you're right. How do I call his bluff? I can also say no contact with her but how will I know if that's true!

To be honest I am preparing myself to walk away. I can't continue like this forever

At this stage, I would kick him out. Tell him that you’ve tried but you believe it’s over and that he should leave.

FurBabyMomma

I think Gone Anon gave an honest perspective and some excellent advice. Relationships are not straightforward and black and white, especially when you've been in one for such a long time. It goes to show that issues can be fixed if both parties are truly willing to work on them. However, if only one person is willing, that's when the battle is lost.

Heartbrokenlol

dudara wrote: »

At this stage, I would kick him out. Tell him that you’ve tried but you believe it’s over and that he should leave.

I did that. He got really upset and said that's bit what he wanted to hear, that usually I say everything will be okay.
I'm actually from a different county and I think I might just go home for a week or so, it will be no issue with work. We're just on top of one another and going in circles. Maybe it will help

Big Bag of Chips

Of course he doesn't want you ending the marriage, because that will bring with it all the messy stuff ending a marriage brings. Moving out, telling friends and family, having them find out that he's being a dick to you about this 'friendship', not having the security of you at home, loyal and patient waiting for him to get over his midlife crisis and make his decision.

He has basically told you, you've always made things ok, you've always been ok with everything, which is why he believes he's entitled to treat you how he is, and you'll be 'ok'. But you know, there comes a point where it's ok to say you've had enough. You've had enough of ignoring problems. You've had enough of putting your feelings aside in order to spare his. You've had enough of being kept on the sidelines of your own marriage, ready to be called in to tell him 'everything will be ok' when he gets upset and worried that he's fking it all up.

You keep saying that he says he doesn't know what he wants. You are facilitating and allowing this wishy-washy attitude by not telling him what you want. You tell him, he cuts all contact with her, which might mean changing jobs, and puts his energy into saving your marriage, or you will decide that what he is offering isn't enough for you and you will ask him to leave.

He is depending on you being dependable. And for as long as you're dependable, then he doesn't have to be accountable for anything, because you'll be 'ok' with everything. For now, he doesn't have to make any decision. Because for now everything is 'ok'. He's giving you just enough for you to think there's a chance, but he's not really putting any effort in at all.

You can't save a marriage alone.

LegacyUser

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. It's interesting to see it from another perspective.
I've made clear he can't be in contact etc...He agreed and says he hasn't but how do I trust that.

It's bothering me that he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, like how bloody dare he. Shouldn't the obvious choice be me, his marriage?? The fact that it's not speaks volumes.

We've been together 10 years, all this has happened in the space of three weeks. I feel so drained. I seem angry at him, he's being a coward. I deserve, and want, better, it's hard to walk away.

If he isn’t in touch with her and is contrite then he’ll probably be falling over himself to prove he isn’t. He should allow you access to his phone etc during this time in my opinion. He has breached your trust in such a massive fundamental way that he needs to actively demonstrate to you that he isn’t contacting her, not expecting you to passively accept his words, which aren’t worth much right now. It’s very easy for a person involved in an affair to say “I’m not doing it anymore” but in actual fact they are fully engaging with the person they are having/had the affair with.


You said he says he is confused etc. I fully see where he is at because I essentially was him. He’s having his own emotional turmoil and is being so selfish that he doesn’t give a proverbial **** about anyone else.

I would absolutely give him an ultimatum. He cuts all contact AND changes jobs. This has to be bob-negotiable. He has put HIMSELF in this situation by allowing himself to become inappropriately too close to someone else. His job should be secondary to your marriage. The necessity of staying in that particular job should not exist. He’ll get another job.

It’s likely, and sorry OP, that this so called friendship has gone to another level...maybe not physically yet, but it’s quite likely they’ve discussed their feelings for one another at the very least. He’ll prob deny that but you don’t get to the situation where you’re willing to let a marriage go without feeling romantically towards the other person.

I’d stick with it the counselling right now. Could you go twice a week to keep the momentum up? However, I would INSIST that he actively seeks a new job. And it would be a deal breaker that he cuts contact with this woman. He does not need to meet her to tell her this. She knows full well that she’s an accessory to breaking up a marriage.

There’s no excuse for the behaviour. I look back on myself then versus now and for that period of time...and in my case it was a long time, and I was a different person. I was out of control, emotionally, mentally and even physically. I lost loads of weight (50kg normally) and went to 45kg..scary, I was drinking loads, going out lots like I was 21 again, spending loads etc. I don’t recognise that reckless and inconsiderate person anymore. I blamed my poor suffering husband for everything.

What’s bizzare is that we didn’t have a bad marriage to start with but somehow I let another person in. I allowed it and encouraged it. I feel like I lost love and attraction for my spouse. It’s back and better than ever now thank God. I love him more than life itself and I will never, ever stoop as low as I did before again.

It took massive work on both our parts to get right again. I had to change the way I thought, reprogram myself against my will really. I’d to cut contact fully with the other person. Block him on everthing. And change jobs to a job I like less with less pay. All my own fault and it’s a repercussions of what I did. I have to live with the consequences of that. But that’s nothing as I have my marriage back and that’s what is important to me.

What I’m saying OP is don’t throw the towel in yet. Marriage is work and bad things happen. I went to confession and I’m going to the Pope’s Mass in August. I know lots of people aren’t religious but I felt I needed to cleanse my soul. That may even be selfish of me too.

People can move on from bad things in marriages. But they have to want to. Your husband may be confused but he needs to make a decision, hopefully that he’ll work for the marriage. Stay strong OP.

The other woman also has A LOT to answer for.

I feel for you OP. And I’m sorry for my part in my own affair that caused my husband the pain you’re now going through.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

It’s fine to say that when you’re young or have an inexperienced view of relationships. It’s a very one-dimensional view. But life can teach you differently. I think that was an excellent, honest post and it shows the many different complexities that long term relationships have to navigate.

OP - I’d urge you to read that post carefully. If your husband isn’t showing any evidence of cutting ties with this person, or is continuing to blame you, then he’s still involved in the affair. And while he’s involved in the affair, he wil never sincerely try to resolve your relationship.

It might be time for you to call his bluff. But if he doesn’t react, you’ll have to be prepared to walk away

What you don't hear is how the husband feels (or the OP will feel). Basically all the trust you had is gone forever. Any love or respect is greatly diminished. The person you thought you married is replaced by a stranger of far less character. You are always thinking if your spouse went crazy once it can happen again. What other ways can they betray me?

You never look at your spouse in the same way again - and to be honest if someone turns your head the resistance you would have had before to succumbing to it is far lower than before.

LegacyUser

AffairsArePainful wrote: »

What you don't hear is how the husband feels (or the OP will feel). Basically all the trust you had is gone forever. Any love or respect is greatly diminished. The person you thought you married is replaced by a stranger of far less character. You are always thinking if your spouse went crazy once it can happen again. What other ways can they betray me?

You never look at your spouse in the same way again - and to be honest if someone turns your head the resistance you would have had before to succumbing to it is far lower than before.

I think that while this may be the case for some for sure, I think the opposite can also apply.

With that logic, what’s to say that someone who never had an affair won’t start one? Everyone who has had an affair was, at some point, someone who hadn’t had an affair. Until of course they started their affair.

In my case, I was 8 years married when I started my affair. From the outside it looked like we were the perfect couple. And we actually had a good marriage until I started getting emotionally attached to the other person.

To the world I was the one person you could never picture having an affair. Handsome husband, great career, lovely kids (yes, I know kids involved..makes me twice as horrendous for doing what I did), well educated, am good looking myself). What happened was that I became too close to my colleague. Started with lingering chats in each other’s offices, then random texts here and there to full blown non-stop contact via text. To meeting up outside work, to full-blown physical and emotional affair. I thought nobody ‘got’ me like he did.

What I learned from the experience (or atrocious deed rather), is to never, ever, ever put myself in a position whereby I am able to get that close to someone again. Never again let myself become attracted to another. Never again engage in text messaging like that. Never be tempted. Don’t drink too much unless in the company of my friends (work night out after everyone had left sealed the deal with us)..not condoning drinking too much but myself and my friends have our girlie nights where we have a few drinks.

I don’t think it’s true or fair to say that those who have had affairs will do it again. You know, before I had my affair I was firmly of the view that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’ I was actually incrediboy judgemental of people who had affairs. I think differently now, and not just about myself in this regard.

It’s the old clichè..I didn’t go out to have an affair. However, I made terrible and unforgivable choices that ensured I partook in an affair.

To get back to the OP in all of this: OP just because this has happened with your husband doesn’t mean he will become a serial cheater in any respect.

Deal with the here and now and what’s on front of you. Don’t deal with hypothetical situations that may never come to be.

Heartbrokenlol

Yeah there is no way he would let me see his phone. I asked him to let me see their conversation on whatsapp a few weeks back and he said he deleted it. I think you're right that they have talked about their feelings. He says it was not mutual that he was attracted to her but she is friendly to everyone. I don't believe this, my gut tells me differently.

He's blaming so much on me and still says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm reaching the end now in terms of what I can and can't deal with. I feel that within the next couple of weeks it will all come to a head. He should be making me feel emotionally secure but in fact it's the exact opposite.

I think I know the answer to this I just need a bit more time to process it and accept it as true. I'm romanticising our life together and I get upset. He really has not shown me respect.

Big Bag of Chips

You are entitled to take as much time as you need. Despite what some people would have you believe it is not so easy to end a marriage. It's not easy to walk away, no matter what the cause, it is never the easy option. Take care of yourself. It is very easy to romanticise, and it is very easy to hold on to any little glimmer of hope, and anything positive at all. Its what helps relationships through tough times, those willing to stick it out because they don't want to give up on the hope that things can be good again.

I wouldn't wish what you are going through on anyone. It is life-changing. And, as the poster above who had the affair said, your husband isn't thinking of you at the moment. He doesn't know/realise/care that you are hurting as bad as you are. At the moment he is completely selfish and thinking only of himself, and how he 'deserves' to be happy, and how his unhappiness is all your fault. If only you'd leave him alone to further his relationship with the other one, don't make a fuss, and be there waiting for him to come back.

It's very difficult when you love someone, and you want to try work through the problems to realise that you are not a priority for your partner. As the other poster said, it is possible to come through it. But you really are at the mercy of him. He needs to realise he's being unfair. Until he stops being the victim, in his own eyes, then you are not going to get very far with him.

And that's a difficult and upsetting thing to accept.
There's no rush.

Heartbrokenlol

You're right. My best friend just said to me how has he managed to make this all about him. He has. I asked him is he still in contact with her just to see his reaction and he got annoyed and shouted No! And that he can't be asked who he's talking to, that's like being in prison.

I'm shocked too to be honest, we went on holidays a few weeks ago and he was texting her then, which is how I found out about her. Before that I thought, yeah we have our issues but he loves me and we are forever. Now a few weeks later everything has crashed down around me and he's saying he doesn't know what he wants.

It's very difficult to accept that the person who is supposed to love you, who is supposed to make you a priority is acting like this.

I think, next week, I'll go to visit my parents for a week or so. I need to have space from him, to think clearly.

My friend has also given me the name of a solicitor she used, she said it's not being rash but no harm to go and get myself some legal advice re house etc

I wonder is a part of me hanging on because at 36 I'm terrified of being alone. I have a lot going for me, I'm smart, a nice person, funny, a good friend, have a good job, I'm attractive.....yet that wasn't enough to keep my husband was it....

We're sitting on the sofa and I look at him and he's like someone I used to know. I told my therapist things would never be the same between us, she asked could they be better? They could. The harsh reality is he's not caring right now about me or our marriage. He cares only about himself and what he's going through. I've owned up to my issues and am seeking help. He isn't.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed. It's nice to talk to people who don't know either of us..

Hannibal_Smith

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Yeah there is no way he would let me see his phone. I asked him to let me see their conversation on whatsapp a few weeks back and he said he deleted it. I think you're right that they have talked about their feelings. He says it was not mutual that he was attracted to her but she is friendly to everyone. I don't believe this, my gut tells me differently.

He's blaming so much on me and still says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm reaching the end now in terms of what I can and can't deal with. I feel that within the next couple of weeks it will all come to a head. He should be making me feel emotionally secure but in fact it's the exact opposite.

I think I know the answer to this I just need a bit more time to process it and accept it as true. I'm romanticising our life together and I get upset. He really has not shown me respect.

It's only been three weeks, durimg which you've been lead up the garden path a bit with promises of trying to work it out etc.

You're now dealing with the upset of what happened and now the upset of not being able to move forward, in any direction.

He said he doesn't know what he wants...tbh of my husband said that to me (or vice versa) that would be my answer. How can you move forward with someone who isn't sure whether they even want to?

None of it is your fault and it's really sh*tty to say it is. If he's unhappy in the marriage he tells you and talks to you about it. He doesn't go off to another woman who, by his own admission, he is attracted to and talk to her instead.

fits

Have you kicked him out? I think it might help him to crystallize what exactly he wants. Make things more difficult for him.

LegacyUser

I’ll be honest - in my own case as the guilty party, we ‘split up’ but remained under the same roof. If my husband had kicked me out or taken a more drastic approach after I told him I was having an affair, I would have acted sooner to end the affair. Of course, my husband should never have had to be in a position like that in the first place and my decision to prolong the affair was entirely nothing to do with my poor husband. But I’m just saying that when I look back on it all, I’m pretty sure more drastic action to negatively impact upon me selfishness would have spurred me into action to have a good long look at myself.

I think people advising you to kick your husband out are advising well OP. Either kicking him out will just be a catalyst to the permanent separation if that’s what’s going to happen OR it will speed to the reconciliation and get him to snap back to reality.

I can’t stress enough how your husband is in this bubble of ‘me me me’ selfishness. He can only think about how the stars have aligned against him and him alone. He thinks he has been hard done by etc. He is literally so detached from reality. He isn’t actually considering you at all. Right now he is able to sit beside you on the couch in semi-normality. His world hasn’t changed much from active affair (albeit emotional allegedly) to the current situation. So you need to take steps to show him that what he has done and his continued emotional state has actually changed his reality and living situation.

I’d be pretty sure he is still in contact with her too. Back then I was always trying to hide my phone, had it on silent, had the other man muted on whatsapp, even changed his name in my contacts. The affair in my case was known by my husband but we were at a stage where I said I no longer spoke to the other man. Lies. My husband spotted my keying in my password into my phone and read my messages when I was in the shower. I don’t believe your husband OP.

Because your husband is now in this ‘bubble’ you need to force him to snap-out-of-it and come back to planet earth. You need to boot him out. If this drives him into the other woman’s arms then all you have done is speeded up the inevitable. Kicking him out could come with a caveat..if he gets together with her, no reconciliation. You’re kicking him out to let him think about what he has done to himself and to you.

He needs to move job. He simply has to.

Things sometimes work out and sometimes they don’t. I love my husband with all of my heart and I see him in a new light completely. That he had such forgiveness for such an unforgivable thing shows me that he is such a good person and I am beyond lucky to have him. He’s one in a million. Everything has improved for us. Our sex life is better than ever because I’m now more open about things and so is he. Our communication is excellent. We’re both more understanding. I’m a better person now. I try harder, I’m not as judgemental as I once was. It shouldn’t have taken something as awful as an affair to change things. There’s so excuse for it. But relationships, no matter HOW STRONG, you think you are, can be fragile if you allow them to be. You’d never in a million years think I’m the type to have had an affair.

OP, if you love this man and if you can get through to him, it could be the making of you both. Marriages have their ups and downs. If you both loved one another once, you can love each other again. Stick with the counselling. Don’t let him off the hook with projecting his insecurities and blame onto you. Call him out. Be strong. Be firm. If it’s meant to be, you’ll both find a way x

Heartbrokenlol

He won't leave, when he's riled up he makes rash statements about moving out but then he won't. We've had no space from each other at all since this happened. He's annoyed that I've been busying myself with friends, working out etc instead of spending time with him. I went off shopping with a friend the other day and he was gone when I got back and said he'd gone for a drive. Now this drive was an hour away to the place where he works and to where this woman lives. I'm pretty sure they met. He denies it of course.

Yeah he's constantly hiding phone or letting it drop when I walk into room etc

As I said I'm going to my parents for a week next week and then I'm going on a city break for four days so I'll have a good bit of space from him. I'm sure he'll be delighted, he'll be able to text and call her. It's like he's addicted. Numerous times I've wanted to message her. Pathetic.

The biggest thing is that I'm wondering why hasn't he just said I want out, I want to be with her. He said if we do split he'll be alone which is bull, he can't even spend a weekend alone without freaking out. Why isn't he just being honest? Instead of this head wrecking limbo. We have counselling again soon, I feel what's the point, he's going through the motions to appear like the good guy. He has told people bit pieces of the story and of course I look like the bad guy. He told his work colleagues I saw a text message from her and got jealous. Then he told me they're afraid to text him now in case I flip out..

As someone said it's not easy to walk away from a marriage. I wonder one day will he regret this and will he see all he has lost. There'd be some comfort in that.

I apologize if it sounds like I'm saying the same thing over and over. I guess I am. I'm going around in complete circles at the minute.

He gives me a hug or squeezes my hand and for a moment I'm reassured everything will be okay. It's sad.

nikkibikki

Heartbrokenlol wrote:

He gives me a hug or squeezes my hand and for a moment I'm reassured everything will be okay. It's sad.

He's giving you mixed messages. Tell him you want an answer either way when you get back whether he is prepared to stop all communication with her and work 100% on fixing your marriage or whether he wants to split up.

If you are worried about what people think, tell a few people your side of the story.

Are you worried that she will be in yiur house with him while you are away?

Heartbrokenlol

nikkibikki wrote: »

He's giving you mixed messages. Tell him you want an answer either way when you get back whether he is prepared to stop all communication with her and work 100% on fixing your marriage or whether he wants to split up.

If you are worried about what people think, tell a few people your side of the story.

Are you worried that she will be in yiur house with him while you are away?

I'm not worried about what other people think and people close to be know what's going on and have been super supportive.

I'm trying to learn as much from my own therapy as well, I've really had to face what I brought to the relationship. I'm not always easy and I'm definitely not perfect.

I'm hoping the break away will clear my head and allow me to think properly. He can't go on for months just not knowing. Maybe he already knows and is just too afraid/cowardly to do it.

No I'm not worried about him bringing her here. He wouldn't, plus we live in a rural community and people spot everything, believe me. He wouldn't do it for that reason alone. He cares what people think of him.

How am I also feeling sorry for him??? I really see how low his self esteem is, he's not happy and despite everything I love him and feel a need to help. I can't though. I need to focus on me.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't be too worried about what he is telling his colleagues. Often times work colleagues spend longer together than family members. nd they are also pretty quick to pick up on "friendships" that are a bit out of the ordinary. Also it sounds like he's protesting a little bit too much. I'd say if there's any office gossip going on, it's about his "poor wife" and how she puts up with him.

Of course he won't leave. It's too comfortable at home. Why would he leave? I think you should ask him to though. Tell him you are going away for however long, and when you come back you want him to be gone somewhere. Also, difficult as it is going to be do not contact him at all while you are away. Don't respond to texts, don't feel tempted to call him. You will just get the same lies and excuses and you will only end up frustrated. I know the temptation is there to contact her, but don't. All that will happen is they will then be talking to each other about the messages you're send her etc.

I think you going away for the few will be good for you to get out of the whole atmosphere. But please, please don't engage with him. Take a break from it completely. I also think the break will be "fun" for him in the sense that he'll be like a teenager with a free run of the house. I don't know if he'll bring her to your house. But he definitely will enjoy the freedom of not having you there "at" him. That is why I think in order for him to see what he risks losing, he has to move out of the family home. Because for as long as he stays, then nothing changes. Nothing has changed for him. He hasn't been inconvenienced at all. There is no incentive to cop himself on and snap out of whatever midlife crisis he's having. Because he is still swanning around in his self-important bubble where he gets to do what he likes when he likes.

Don't let him touch you. Don't let him squeeze your hand. He is giving you the tiniest of gestures, while still carrying on with this other woman under your nose. Not upsetting her, is a bigger priority to him than not upsetting you.

He can't miss you, and realise what he risks losing, if you are still there for him.
Remove yourself, physically and emotionally. Don't speak to him. Don't interact. Don't let him hug you.

It will be heartbreaking and very difficult, when all you really want is for him to hug you and tell you he's been a dick and he's going to make it all better. But he's hugging you, without following through. It's empty and worthless. In fact, the hug is more of a reassurance for him, than for you. He's testing to see if you're still being dependable. If you're still going to just be 'ok' with all this. If you're still there for him. Remove yourself from him. It will serve two purposes, he will realise you're serious, and you will start the process of either removing yourself from him, or making him realise that he does actually risk losing you.

For now he thinks you're going nowhere, and you'll just get over it.

Edit: You feel sorry for him because you are a good person. Nobody likes seeing someone else upset, and people like him who know they are in the wrong, are excellent at turning it all around and making themselves the victims. It is more common than you think that the injured party in a relationship ends up comforting the cheater and telling them it's ok... Isn't that what he's actually expecting of you? He's the weak, helpless victim here (in his eyes) and he's very good at playing the part and making you feel sorry for him. That's one of the reason you need to not be in contact with him when you go away.

professore

Big Bag of Chips hit the nail on the head. You are fulfilling the role of his mammy while this new woman is that exciting sexy bad girl from the wrong side of town mammy told him to stay away from. If he tells mammy he loves her and is a good boy he can pull the wool over her eyes. If mammy kicks him out it will be the wake up call he needs.

nikkibikki

Heartbrokenlol wrote:

How am I also feeling sorry for him??? I really see how low his self esteem is, he's not happy and despite everything I love him and feel a need to help. I can't though. I need to focus on me.

You feel sorry for him because you are a good person, you care about him. For someone who's self esteem is low, he sure is behaving very selfishly. Without any regard for your feelings. If he feels bad about that, I think he deserves to.

tara73

wow OP, your last post made me really sad. you seem like such a good, level headed person, you don't deserve this sh*** from this man.

He's manipulating you big time. Or he tries, thankfully you can see through it, but it dosn't help with the pain you must feel.

Badmouthing you, wanting to make you feel bad because his friends don't dare to text him anymore because of your jealiousy. and next thing he's doing texting this other woman more or less secretely.
Then next thing hugging you and giving you hope everything could be ok. Honestly, I have to say it, what an a***hole and it makes my blood boil.

Don't feel bad for possibly repeating yourself here. I think everybody with a minimum of empathy can put themselves in your shoes. This happened all very quick and nobody expects from you having everything sorted within a few day, weeks or even month.

PressRun

Put him out on his ear. He needs a kick in the arse in order to wake up from this teenage fantasy he's playing around with. When he comes crawling back looking for your sympathy and forgiveness, then you can decide if he's worth it. Or maybe he won't come back, in which case you'll be well rid.

Heartbrokenlol

Hi guys thank you for all the advice. So we had a big argument there earlier and he ended up telling me she told him she has feelings for him and she thinks they're mutual. He said told her he didn't know what he wanted.
I was so upset and angry I messaged her on Facebook. I know, I shouldn't, everything just caught up with me. Well I told him and he flipped out saying it's going to be so awkward in work, that I'm a psycho and a c**t. He got his keys and drove off and told me not to contact him again.
Guess I know whose feelings he is more worried about.

dudara

I don’t agree with you messaging her, but by doing it, you turned the spotlight back on him and you took some control. And he didn’t like it now, did he?

BTW, if anyone ever called me a “c*nt”. That’s it, they’d be out of my life. Even my other half. That’s an abysmal name to call someone, never mind your wife.

Heartbrokenlol

dudara wrote: »

I don’t agree with you messaging her, but by doing it, you turned the spotlight back on him and you took some control. And he didn’t like it now, did he?

BTW, if anyone ever called me a “c*nt”. That’s it, they’d be out of my life. Even my other half. That’s an abysmal name to call someone, never mind your wife.

I agree I shouldn't have messaged her, I was just so upset and angry and didn't know what else to do. No he didn't like it. At all.

Hannibal_Smith

dudara wrote: »

BTW, if anyone ever called me a “c*nt”. That’s it, they’d be out of my life. Even my other half. That’s an abysmal name to call someone, never mind your wife.

This, times a million.

A few days ago he's telling you that you can't move passed things. He's also telling you that HE has feelings for HER but it's not mutual.

Now he's telling you he has been talking to her (all the while blaming you for not being able to move on) and now he's telling you SHE has feelings for HIM. But it's not mutual.

On top of that he's calling you a c*nt for messaging her.? But when he messages her it's grand? He's made things difficult for himself.

You are both going round in circles and it's not getting better. In fact it's getting more and more insulting. Did you say you were in couples counselling? Did they say things would get worse before better?

You're melting your brain going round in circles about it. The sooner you get to your folks the better I think.

rainbowtrout

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Hi guys thank you for all the advice. So we had a big argument there earlier and he ended up telling me she told him she has feelings for him and she thinks they're mutual. He said told her he didn't know what he wanted.
I was so upset and angry I messaged her on Facebook. I know, I shouldn't, everything just caught up with me. Well I told him and he flipped out saying it's going to be so awkward in work, that I'm a psycho and a c**t. He got his keys and drove off and told me not to contact him again.
Guess I know whose feelings he is more worried about.

hmmm... so even though he claims not to be in contact with her, they've had this conversation?

You're trying to save your marriage and he's angry that 'things are going to be awkward for him in work'??? She may or may not have said that she has feelings for him, he could be engaging in further manipulation, where he's trying to see how far he can push you. I guess he's just got his answer.

And he's more worried about why it's going to be awkward at work? Can't imagine why it would be awkward if she has feelings for him and vice versa. Only it's awkward if he's now seeing that you might end the marriage and this woman mightn't be serious enough about him to follow through with a relationship.

I feel for you OP, but you should take him at his word. He told you not to contact him. Keep that thought in mind, enjoy your trip home and your city break as much as you can, and let him stew for the next couple of weeks and see how much he likes a life apart.

tara73

ah, would be so good if you kicked him out. He really deserves this. But telling from his mean character he probably won't leave anyway, no matter what you tell him?

Don't know it's a good situation you leaving the house for the next days...

Ursus Horribilis

If he was worried about things being awkward at work, he'd have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. In its own way, messaging the other woman might not be the worst thing. She knows your husband is a married man but it didn't stop her pursuing him. You throwing a grenade like this into their affair will ruin the party for a while. They're playing with fire and deserve to get burned.

It's hard to see a way back from this, I'm afraid. Your husband has been suiting himself until now. Contacting this woman while at the same time enjoying all the home comforts. He's not going to want to move out, which is something for you to be mindful of now. The cost of renting anything half decent is going to hit him in the pocket. I think you've simply brought to a head something that was going to happen anyway. With that in mind, do you think there's a chance he'll come home some day, change the locks and not let you back in?

I think you'd better contact that solicitor tomorrow and get some legal advice. This is a situation that's probably going to change multiple times but having proper information never hurts.