Pride Weekend May Get Me Dumped

curiouslad

Its mad how this thread has completely moved in the opposite direction to the real life situation. Yesterday we were texting and she was in much better form very like her old self. She came over and things were completely normal as we chatted and laughed like we always would. Then I brought it up and said shes got some questions no doubt. She apologised for asking me because it was unfair to put me in that spot she just didn't expect that answer. She also apologised for her reaction and explained it wasn't that she was put off me it was just so much to process that late at night and she was tired anyway and she also wasn't sure how she'd feel when she processed it so she didn't want to give me false hope by reassuring me only to go back on that later if she couldn't get over it. I told her I wasn't going to apologise for being honest or what I did because I'm not ashamed of it and wasn't going to beg for her to like me either but I understood how it was a lot to take so given that she was here she obviously wanted to understand it and not give this up so I'd help her understand and answer any questions. What confused her mainly was why did it happen twice if I was sure I wasn't gay and why I had left it so late in life as it was relatively recent. I told her that I'd always had a kink that she knows about and has participated in and wondered if that would be a more physically pleasurable act with a man. Both times I was polluted drunk. The first time I was really uncomfortable and didn't even follow through. I kind of regretted not following through on it in the back of my mind so I'd know one way or another if this was something I liked so another time I was drunk on my way home and said I'd make myself follow through. I really didn't enjoy it then and knew I'd never try it again. She asked why and the example I gave was had she ever had a friend who wanted to try anal and did and knew they'd never do it again. Same thing, I guess literally. We'd laugh and joke like that so it was all very relaxed like one time I said I didn't ask info about her past cus I didn't want to imagine her with other men and she said 'yeah same' and we broke down laughing. I explained I had never actually been attracted to a guy or tempted to text date or try a romantic situation with one in the same way I do girls so I know I'm in no way gay it was just a purely sexual curiosity that didn't pan out in real life. She asked why I hadn't told many people and I told her even close friends don't tend to tell each other that they like a finger in the bum now and then. We also spoke about stigmas and I had her vocalise how she felt about why it was different with men and women experimenting with same sex. As she said it she started to hear herself and realise it was BS and really unfair. She said she'd just never heard of any lad she knew aside from her mates girlfriend experimenting so it was all just new to her. I told her she probably wouldn't. Maybe if lads had stray thoughts they'd be in denial about it themselves and look at the stigma were even nice open-minded people like her can react as she did. They'd be afraid of that. She melted my heart when she put her hands over her eyes motified and said 'Remember I'm younger than you this is still all so new to me and I don't want to be a bad person!' I told her I didn't think she was a bad person as well and understood how she must be feeling and appreciated her even hearing me out.

She wanted a hug. I told her I wans't in a rush for an answer and she could get some space from this while she went away and even back off texting if she liked while she got her head around it. She said we wouldn't see each other til then anyway after this but there was no need for us to stop texting like normal or anything. She knew I was right and believed me but needed her head to catch up with it as she took it all in. I told her it was fair if she needed to talk to people about it to process and understand it but asked if she could just keep it away from our mutuals so it wouldn't get spread around my work etc and I'd have to think about coming out when I'm not even gay. She understood and said thanks. We then hung out like we normally would, watched Love Island, had amazing sex both last night and this morning and stayed up late just chatting and having a laugh like we always do. I joked that we never actually watch anything when we plan to because we just end up talking. I'm just back from walking her to work and I'm certain she's going absolutely nowhere. Having been with people were little speed bumps would become huge dramas its really really refreshing to have a potentially big situation handled so calmly and without drama. When she explained her reaction I completely understood it and felt a lot better. When I explained my situation she completely understood. And for her to come around so much on an issue within one day shows she really does care about me and value this. But also she's really sensible in that she made sure to say she still wasn't promising me she'd be 100% ok with it which actually made me feel better. There's no shocks, she's being honest about where her head is and she knows we can talk more if she needs to and it won't become a drama. I think she's 90% of the way there but like I said needs to let her head catch up but she values what we have a lot so I think she will. And I feel in a really good place and really lucky to have met her.

Thanks for all the interesting advice. Even if the past couple pages since I last posted didn't help because I was dealing with the situation it was still interesting to see everyones different perspective on the situation. I think there's still a lot of misunderstanding and stigma around it even if we pat ourselves on the back for passing the referendum and having a gay Taoisech. And it's really interesting for me to learn on Pride weekend why exactly Pride is still so important over here.

Arrival

curiouslad wrote: »

Its mad how this thread has completely moved in the opposite direction to the real life situation. Yesterday we were texting and she was in much better form very like her old self. She came over and things were completely normal as we chatted and laughed like we always would. Then I brought it up and said shes got some questions no doubt. She apologised for asking me because it was unfair to put me in that spot she just didn't expect that answer. She also apologised for her reaction and explained it wasn't that she was put off me it was just so much to process that late at night and she was tired anyway and she also wasn't sure how she'd feel when she processed it so she didn't want to give me false hope by reassuring me only to go back on that later if she couldn't get over it. I told her I wasn't going to apologise for being honest or what I did because I'm not ashamed of it and wasn't going to beg for her to like me either but I understood how it was a lot to take so given that she was here she obviously wanted to understand it and not give this up so I'd help her understand and answer any questions. What confused her mainly was why did it happen twice if I was sure I wasn't gay and why I had left it so late in life as it was relatively recent. I told her that I'd always had a kink that she knows about and has participated in and wondered if that would be a more physically pleasurable act with a man. Both times I was polluted drunk. The first time I was really uncomfortable and didn't even follow through. I kind of regretted not following through on it in the back of my mind so I'd know one way or another if this was something I liked so another time I was drunk on my way home and said I'd make myself follow through. I really didn't enjoy it then and knew I'd never try it again. She asked why and the example I gave was had she ever had a friend who wanted to try anal and did and knew they'd never do it again. Same thing, I guess literally. We'd laugh and joke like that so it was all very relaxed like one time I said I didn't ask info about her past cus I didn't want to imagine her with other men and she said 'yeah same' and we broke down laughing. I explained I had never actually been attracted to a guy or tempted to text date or try a romantic situation with one in the same way I do girls so I know I'm in no way gay it was just a purely sexual curiosity that didn't pan out in real life. She asked why I hadn't told many people and I told her even close friends don't tend to tell each other that they like a finger in the bum now and then. We also spoke about stigmas and I had her vocalise how she felt about why it was different with men and women experimenting with same sex. As she said it she started to hear herself and realise it was BS and really unfair. She said she'd just never heard of any lad she knew aside from her mates girlfriend experimenting so it was all just new to her. I told her she probably wouldn't. Maybe if lads had stray thoughts they'd be in denial about it themselves and look at the stigma were even nice open-minded people like her can react as she did. They'd be afraid of that. She melted my heart when she put her hands over her eyes motified and said 'Remember I'm younger than you this is still all so new to me and I don't want to be a bad person!' I told her I didn't think she was a bad person as well and understood how she must be feeling and appreciated her even hearing me out.

She wanted a hug. I told her I wans't in a rush for an answer and she could get some space from this while she went away and even back off texting if she liked while she got her head around it. She said we wouldn't see each other til then anyway after this but there was no need for us to stop texting like normal or anything. She knew I was right and believed me but needed her head to catch up with it as she took it all in. I told her it was fair if she needed to talk to people about it to process and understand it but asked if she could just keep it away from our mutuals so it wouldn't get spread around my work etc and I'd have to think about coming out when I'm not even gay. She understood and said thanks. We then hung out like we normally would, watched Love Island, had amazing sex both last night and this morning and stayed up late just chatting and having a laugh like we always do. I joked that we never actually watch anything when we plan to because we just end up talking. I'm just back from walking her to work and I'm certain she's going absolutely nowhere. Having been with people were little speed bumps would become huge dramas its really really refreshing to have a potentially big situation handled so calmly and without drama. When she explained her reaction I completely understood it and felt a lot better. When I explained my situation she completely understood. And for her to come around so much on an issue within one day shows she really does care about me and value this. But also she's really sensible in that she made sure to say she still wasn't promising me she'd be 100% ok with it which actually made me feel better. There's no shocks, she's being honest about where her head is and she knows we can talk more if she needs to and it won't become a drama. I think she's 90% of the way there but like I said needs to let her head catch up but she values what we have a lot so I think she will. And I feel in a really good place and really lucky to have met her.

Thanks for all the interesting advice. Even if the past couple pages since I last posted didn't help because I was dealing with the situation it was still interesting to see everyones different perspective on the situation. I think there's still a lot of misunderstanding and stigma around it even if we pat ourselves on the back for passing the referendum and having a gay Taoisech. And it's really interesting for me to learn on Pride weekend why exactly Pride is still so important over here.

Wow. Damn man, I really value people with the ability to truly be introspective and consider other people's sides of things and this girl did this so quickly, sounds like you've a keeper here. Wish you all the best, enjoy!

tara73

I would more say she has a keeper there:)

JackTaylorFan

Stellasmurf wrote: »

I think you may need to read my post again and educate yourself on some definitions. This does not make her biphobic, it is a simple preference for her own sexual partner which she is fully entitled to have. OP has done nothing wrong, his gf has done nothing wrong. She may come around but she is entitled to be turned off too. I was simply offering a possible explanation for her reaction. And nowhere did I mention cheating.

Literally, talking bollox. You are projecting your prejudice. We do not know the motivation behind his GF's homophobia/biphobia, but we know how your mind works.

What you said, in the simplest terms, is that people who are bi or bi-curious are more likely to cheat or have a wandering eye. Absolute prejudice. Fact is, straight people are just as likely to become unsatisfied in a relationship and look elsewhere or cheat.

JackTaylorFan

Deleted User wrote: »

Simple maths and probability

Nah, it's biphobia.

JackTaylorFan

JackTaylorFan wrote:

What you said, in the simplest terms, is that people who are bi or bi-curious are more likely to cheat or have a wandering eye. Absolute prejudice. Fact is, straight people are just as likely to become unsatisfied in a relationship and look elsewhere or cheat.

That's not what was said. At all.

Fact is, if somebody was to stray and had two different genders to choose from instead of one, there would be a bigger pool to chose from, therefore more opportunities to have their head turned. A girl who may have trust issues would be concerned about that.

It must be tiring to be constantly trying to find ways to be outraged/be a victim/blame everyone else/label everyone who thinks different than you. Not everything is a "phobia"

JackTaylorFan

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Nah, it's biphobia.

No. Its not

JackTaylorFan

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Literally, talking bollox. You are projecting your prejudice. We do not know the motivation behind his GF's homophobia/biphobia, but we know how your mind works.

Jesus....

Stellasmurf

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Literally, talking bollox. You are projecting your prejudice. We do not know the motivation behind his GF's homophobia/biphobia, but we know how your mind works.

What you said, in the simplest terms, is that people who are bi or bi-curious are more likely to cheat or have a wandering eye. Absolute prejudice. Fact is, straight people are just as likely to become unsatisfied in a relationship and look elsewhere or cheat.

Wow some selective reading there. Nowhere did I mention cheating in my post. In fact I say the OP sounds like a really honest guy. And yes we don’t know what his gf was thinking so I was merely suggesting what may have been going through her head. These are all just opinions here after all. Did you think I was stating fact? Lol!
You have no idea who I am and saying I am prejudice is laughable! Name calling and labeling are uncalled for and I suggest you educate yourself on accepting others who have a different opinion to yourself. Tolerance is key after all

sexmag

Deleted User wrote: »

That's not what was said. At all.

Fact is, if somebody was to stray and had two different genders to choose from instead of one, there would be a bigger pool to chose from, therefore more opportunities to have their head turned. A girl who may have trust issues would be concerned about that.

It must be tiring to be constantly trying to find ways to be outraged/be a victim/blame everyone else/label everyone who thinks different than you. Not everything is a "phobia"

The number of people you can be attracted too are irrelevant if the person is of decent character. A straight man or woman in a place of soley the opposite gender would be the exact same scenario. If the person has trust issues then again thats their issue to deal with, it cant be pushed onto someone else.

Your doing the exact same "outraged/be a victim/blame everyone else/label everyone" just in the opposite direction

sexmag

sexmag wrote:

The number of people you can be attracted too are irrelevant if the person is of decent character. A straight man or woman in a place of soley the opposite gender would be the exact same scenario. If the person has trust issues then again thats their issue to deal with, it cant be pushed onto someone else.

I agree with that. But I can also see that if the woman had her own trust issues and then found out her boyfriend had double the amount of people to choose from, id understand that she was concerned. I'm not blaming the op but equally I'm not blaming his GF's if it was a case that my hypothetical situation was correct.

sexmag wrote:

Your doing the exact same "outraged/be a victim/blame everyone else/label everyone" just in the opposite direction

I really am not. In any way. I'm not outraged. I'm not a victim, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just confused as to how someone would accuse someone of prejudice in this case.

JackTaylorFan

Stellasmurf wrote: »

Wow some selective reading there. Nowhere did I mention cheating in my post. In fact I say the OP sounds like a really honest guy. And yes we don’t know what his gf was thinking so I was merely suggesting what may have been going through her head. These are all just opinions here after all. Did you think I was stating fact? Lol!
You have no idea who I am and saying I am prejudice is laughable! Name calling and labeling are uncalled for and I suggest you educate yourself on accepting others who have a different opinion to yourself. Tolerance is key after all

Suggesting bi people are less capable of remaining faithful in a relationship for no other reason than they are bi, as you and another poster who continues to display their prejusdice have done, is by it's very nature biphobic but okay...

Bandana boy

Deleted User wrote: »

That's not what was said. At all.

Fact is, if somebody was to stray and had two different genders to choose from instead of one, there would be a bigger pool to chose from, therefore more opportunities to have their head turned. A girl who may have trust issues would be concerned about that.

It must be tiring to be constantly trying to find ways to be outraged/be a victim/blame everyone else/label everyone who thinks different than you. Not everything is a "phobia"

you don't understand maths.

If you are likely to cheat whether your pool of people to cheat with is 3.5 Billion or 7 Billion people is statistically insignificant .

What is the success rate of people who want to cheat in cheating - I suspect 99.999% so doubling the pool moves it what from 99.999 to 99.999999
makes no difference

Bandana boy

Bandana boy wrote:

you don't understand maths.

Bandana boy wrote:

If you are likely to cheat whether your pool of people to cheat with is 3.5 Billion or 7 Billion people is statistically insignificant .

Bandana boy wrote:

What is the success rate of people who want to cheat in cheating - I suspect 99.999% so doubling the pool moves it what from 99.999 to 99.999999 makes no difference

OK......

What I said was, if the girl thought that he boys head might be turned, she has trust issues. If she had trust issues already, the now she is not only seeing female friends as threats but now boys are also threats.

This is hypothetical.

Regardless of the maths side, she would be within her rights (and not biphobic) to not want to be with someone who had bisexual tendencies /experiences. Its not biphobic, it's her personal preference.

Stellasmurf

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Suggesting bi people are less capable of remaining faithful in a relationship for no other reason than they are bi, as you and another poster who continues to display their prejusdice have done, is by it's very nature biphobic but okay...

You are completely misrepresenting what I am saying. Please read carefully as you seem to be very angry and pushing an agenda when there is no need. I said she may have been worried that he would have his head turned (please educate yourself on the definition of cheating if you think this is what I am saying..for the record, it’s not) and that she may have been afraid she could not offer him what he wanted. No where have I mentioned cheating - I honestly believe if someone is going to cheat they will, regardless of sexual preferences.
Please be tolerant of others views and opinions. Not everyone is against you.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Fact is, if somebody was to stray and had two different genders to choose from instead of one, there would be a bigger pool to chose from, therefore more opportunities to have their head turned. A girl who may have trust issues would be concerned about that.

That's the girls problem then.

JackTaylorFan

Stellasmurf wrote: »

You are completely misrepresenting what I am saying. Please read carefully as you seem to be very angry and pushing an agenda when there is no need. I said she may have been worried that he would have his head turned (please educate yourself on the definition of cheating if you think this is what I am saying..for the record, it’s not) and that she may have been afraid she could not offer him what he wanted. No where have I mentioned cheating - I honestly believe if someone is going to cheat they will, regardless of sexual preferences.
Please be tolerant of others views and opinions. Not everyone is against you.

Again, these are all assumptions on your part - including the tone in which I am engaging with you. Where in the OP did it suggest the GF's reasoning was what you suggested? She just seemed generally repulsed by thw thought of two men having sex. No concern for unfaithfullness or being unable to satisfy him. You projected your own meaning based on a fallacy.

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded to direct all replies to the OP, offering mature, constructive advice.

bubblypop

bubblypop wrote:

That's the girls problem then.

I wholeheartedly agree

Stellasmurf

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Stellasmurf wrote: »

You are completely misrepresenting what I am saying. Please read carefully as you seem to be very angry and pushing an agenda when there is no need. I said she may have been worried that he would have his head turned (please educate yourself on the definition of cheating if you think this is what I am saying..for the record, it’s not) and that she may have been afraid she could not offer him what he wanted. No where have I mentioned cheating - I honestly believe if someone is going to cheat they will, regardless of sexual preferences.
Please be tolerant of others views and opinions. Not everyone is against you.

Again, these are all assumptions on your part - including the tone in which I am engaging with you. Where in the OP did it suggest the GF's reasoning was what you suggested? She just seemed generally repulsed by thw thought of two men having sex. No concern for unfaithfullness or being unable to satisfy him. You projected your own meaning based on a fallacy.

No, they are suggestions (not assumptions) on my part as that's all I or anyone here can offer. Including you. I could also easily argue your replies are very much based on fallacy (quite obviously that of pushing of an agenda where there is no need).

curiouslad

OP here. This issue seems to be largely resolved so I don't mind people having a debate on the issues raised here. It's interesting as long as it's not a screaming match. I think both statements are true having lived it. People with trust issues will see everyone as a threat so could see a bi person (which I'm not for the record I'm 100% straight but have experimented in the past and found it's not for me) as double the threat because that's double their fear. But trust issues aren't rational too and as someone said they're the problem of the person with the issues. Trust issues were something said in the discussion we had though and I made that exact point saying I'd only been honest with her and should get trust for that. She accepted that and said it's just going to take time with anyone because of stuff that's gone on before. I know I'm honest and trustworthy so it's not something I'm worried about because there won't be stuff that'll cause issues that won't balance out over time. So there's something there and I don't see it as biphobia personally. But the actual truth is that I'm not likely to cheat because I don't cheat. So it doesn't matter how many potential people there could be because there won't be one that I'll cheat with. The two things are both true because their relevant but not rational. Everyone is right!

Big Bag of Chips

the dunne and Stellasmurf, there has been a moderator warning about directing replies to the OP. Personal Issues is an advice forum, where posters come looking for advice. There are many other places in Boards.ie where you can engage in discussion. Please reread the Forum Charter to get an idea of the types of replies expected here.

WIZWEB

The problem is hers. You had a couple of same-sex experiences. Big deal. I'm gay but had a couple of straight experiences back in the day. A couple of times over the years an 'opportunity' would come up to share this revelation with current same-sex partners. One or two were weird about it for minutes but quickly got over it. Generally they didn't bat an eyelid because put simply they trusted me. Just as any that bacame aware of an any ex bf would have to too unless they were silly enough to compare themselves!

Admittedly I've been with one bi-sexual and I was initially a little uncomfortable with this. But only because of my own insecurities that he was best mates with his ex girlfriend and an ex boyfriend of his shared an apartment with him! (Separate rooms).

Drama lama over nothing is what your facing. Hope she cops on. Sorry to hear the two same-sex experiences you had were bad. Third time lucky as they say