Pride Weekend May Get Me Dumped

curiouslad

I've been a bit unlucky in love and have had loads of girlfriends who have taken advantage of my better nature. Some of them have even been abusive. I've been trying to be better to myself and recently got really lucky when I met someone who has been great. She's sweet, caring, considerate, sex is great, I really fancy her and she has coasted through every hoop so far. My friends have even said to me they haven't seen me this happy with someone in a longtime, maybe ever.

That might have changed tonight though. As it was Pride weekend she started telling me about a guy her friend is going out with who admitted he had bi experiences. She asked me out straight if I had ever had any. Not wanting to lie to her, I told her something I had only ever told one other person. That was on two different occassions while really drunk I had decided to act on a curiosity and try sleeping with other men. Both experiences had gone pretty badly and both confirmed that it wasn't for me. I felt safe telling her this as things had gone so well so far. Her reaction stunned me. She immediately kind of recoiled from me and started saying she was only tellimg me about her friend because she found it so weird. She said she believed in equality and had gay friends so she wasn't homophobic but it didn't mean she wanted to go out with someone who had those experiences. I tried to explain that I was still the same person she liked and had never lied to her about it but I noticed her language started shifting. At one point I was like 'you're literally saying it's not you, it's me' to me , though she wasn't finishing with me either she was just shocked and she wasn't reassuring me at all. She had to go anyway but even when she was going down the stairs in my apartments she was kind of running ahead of me and when she went to the car she hugged and didn't seem to want to even kiss me. We're supposed to have a proper date tonight and I told her she could cancel if she wanted but I really hoped this wans't the last time I'd see her and she said 'ok I've just a lot to think about'. When she went home I asked her not to tell anyone as we've mutual friends and if it gets back through them and people start talking it might get around my work. I'm not ashamed of these experiences I just don't particularly want to answer questions from people I don't know that well about something in my sexual past that's not even relevant now. We were meeting each others friends and telling people we know about each other and now I'm worried that if it ends I'm going to effectively have to 'come out' to people even though I'm not gay because there's no good reason for this ending if it does. She got back to me when she got home almost angrily giving out saying that she's not a horrible person and of course she won't tell people. I told her I wasn't going to make it easy for her by getting baited into an argument so she could blame finishing with me on that instead of what I'd told her. We kind of made up as we went to bed but I'm still none the wiser. I could barely sleep afterwards with anxiety, sure look at the time I'm writing this, and I sent her a text around 3am saying we all have a past and I don't judge her for hers because the end result was it gave me a person I really liked and I hope she wouldn't judge me for mine. No reply but I also wouldn't expect one yet either.

I'm a wreck now though. Should I have lied to her? I don't want to lie about this to any potential partners because I don't want any relationship I'm in to be built on lies and I also want people to accept my past and who I am but it's never come up with people I've dated before. But now I've got to consider everything else like other people finding out. I understand it's a lot to process for someone but it's also not relevant now so in the future if this doesn't work out should I just lie to people? I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. I'm as sure as anyone who has ever had curiosities that I'm not gay. I've never been actually attracted to guys or wanted a relationship with any it was more just a sexual curiosity and one that didn't bare out in real life at all. One that I don't want to experience again to be honest. Yet I feel like I've ruined something good here for telling the truth. While we were talking I was telling her it was really common for straight men to have curiosities, I remember reading one of those Pornhub list things were it showed trans porn was one of the highest things men looked up even though that's not something I'm into it just goes to show, and even if she finished with me there was a good chance she'd be with someone who had similar thoughts or curiosities and just decided to lie to her instead. I said how she's had bi experiences herself kissing girls but just believes a stigma that if a man does the same then he has to be secretly gay which is total hypocrisy and BS if you think about it.. It's so tough to know how to feel but it was all going so good. My best friends were over and met her for the first time before this chat and saw how close we were and I was telling them how well it was going, what the hell do I say to them if she finishes with me today? I'm so confused.

hawley

Hi CL, I think that you need to give her some space for a few days. This is obviously a big deal for her, so you need to stop pressurizing her for an answer. It comes across like she got a massive shock, so you just need to be there for her if she wants some answers about it.

Your past is your past. I don't know about the sex my boyfriend had in the past & I don't want to!
If she does have a problem with this, then it is her problem. There is nothing you can do.
For the record, I don't think you were wrong to tell her the truth, not every little detail of your past sex life has to be shared though!

PressRun

I don't think you were wrong to tell her. She asked and you answered. If she felt like she might get an answer she didn't like, then she shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. I think she is the one with the problem, tbh. You were honest with her when asked. Your past is your past. There's nothing that can be done to change it now. She needs to build a bridge if she wants the relationship to continue. I'd give her some space and see what she says after a few days.

nikkibikki

You did nothing wrong by either having these experiences or telling your girlfriend.

If it turns out she has a problem with this and can't get passed it, that's her problem and you're better off without her.

JustAThought

You say she was shocked and put off by it. Not everybody wants to date someone who has same-sex sex or one night stands with strangers of the same sex.Call it different values or different standards - it also begs questions about increased promescuity and trust in a partner, and risk of STI's.

What may be good for you to try and explore is not necessarily good for others you are dating and having sex with to know about or hear. Lesson learned.

You are still the same person, yes. The problem for you is that she has learned something about you that she didn’t know previously and which she finds grossly objectionable.

That new knowledge about who you (as a product of your experiences etc) are, has enabled her to make a more informed decision about being in a relationship with you, so you have to accept it’s only fair that she be allowed do so.

It’s not homophobic for a straight woman to decide she doesn’t want to be with a man who has slept with other men.

nikkibikki

nikkibikki wrote: »

You did nothing wrong by either having these experiences or telling your girlfriend.

If it turns out she has a problem with this and can't get passed it, that's her problem and you're better off without her.

And she may well be better off without him.

Smegging hell

Sounds like the old trope that every bi/experimenting man is a gay man in denial, whereas every bi/experimenting woman is a straight woman just experimenting. Nonsense, of course, but still ingrained amongst many people, (though I get the sense they're declining).

I would agree with most of the responses above OP. She asked a question, you answered, if she has a problem with that it's her problem.

tara73

jesus, that is some silly, immature behaviour from her part. And she obviously doesn't trust you which is equally bad.

You told her because you trusted her and you explained you just did it to find out and it was nothing for you. so what's her problem I ask myself.

and you wrote she also made some experience with the same sex.

Honestly, I have a strong feeling you are better off without her. Can you ever be really open with her and trust her she's not running away again if you tell her some (minor) stuff she doesn't like?

It might hurt at the moment because you like her and it was such an abrupt thing from her part. But from her behaviour I don't think she's really able for a mature relationship.

I presume you are pretty young, so in a few month time you will meet somebody else and will see you dodged a bullet here.

curiouslad

Thanks everyone for the replies they're really helpful.

bubblypop wrote: »

Your past is your past. I don't know about the sex my boyfriend had in the past & I don't want to!
If she does have a problem with this, then it is her problem. There is nothing you can do.
For the record, I don't think you were wrong to tell her the truth, not every little detail of your past sex life has to be shared though!

I agree with this and as I said to her I don't ask her much about her past because I don't want to know every intimate detail and ultimately it doesn't matter because I like the end product that past has given me. It was unfortunate cus she was only over for a quick visit when she asked this and we didn't have loads of time to get into it. But she implied that she'd have more questions and want to know stuff that I did and how it happened if we meet tonight. I told her I'd given her as much information as I wanted to, in much the same way I wouldn't disrespect her by going into full detail about our sex life with other people, so she'd have to deal with that. Now to tell the truth if I'd got a better response I probably would have less of a problem giving more details but now I know that this information can be used against me I don't want to start giving her images she won't be able to get out of her head that might chase her away. That's a fair enough stance to have right?

curiouslad

tara73 wrote: »

jesus, that is some silly, immature behaviour from her part. And she obviously doesn't trust you which is equally bad.

You told her because you trusted her and you explained you just did it to find out and it was nothing for you. so what's her problem I ask myself.

and you wrote she also made some experience with the same sex.

Honestly, I have a strong feeling you are better off without her. Can you ever be really open with her and trust her she's not running away again if you tell her some (minor) stuff she doesn't like?

It might hurt at the moment because you like her and it was such an abrupt thing from her part. But from her behaviour I don't think she's really able for a mature relationship.

I presume you are pretty young, so in a few month time you will meet somebody else and will see you dodged a bullet here.

Thanks. We're not that young 30 and 25. I hadn't thought about her not trusting me, what gives you that idea could you expand more please? Do you think she's worried I'm going to go off with other lads during this or am secretly gay? There might be something to that although you do have to remember the shock will be a part of that and I'd like to think that the fact I was honest and didn't even try to hold back the information would stand to me in terms of building trust once she processes it.

I agree with me being worried about trusting her with sensitive information now. Her reaction has knocked me. I'd dated people but never been serious enough to tell someone about this since these experiences had happened but always thought in my head that if it comes to that stage I'd like to be able to tell a partner, have it accepted and not have to lie. I don't see it as a bad thing and with the right partner I'd see it as a good thing in that I'm sexually open and adventurous and not afraid to try things or repress myself in any way. I understand that this is shocking information to hear but her reaction will be important for me too. If she comes back and accepts it then it's a big plus but if she comes back and is sketchy then I'll have to start seeing how I feel.

I wouldn't go into details about it, you don't need to & she has no rights to know the details.

Would she want to know or would you tell her all the details of sex you had with old girlfriends?

nikkibikki

JustAThought wrote:

You say she was shocked and put off by it. Not everybody wants to date someone who has same-sex sex or one night stands with strangers of the same sex.Call it different values or different standards - it also begs questions about increased promescuity and trust in a partner, and risk of STI's.

Increased promiscuity? Just because he slept with 2 men? Trust? He told her as soon as she asked? Risk of STI's is the same whether his sexual past is 10 women or 8 women and 2 men.

JayZeus wrote:

And she may well be better off without him.

Absolutely.

ninjabox

JustAThought wrote: »

You say she was shocked and put off by it. Not everybody wants to date someone who has same-sex sex or one night stands with strangers of the same sex.Call it different values or different standards - it also begs questions about increased promescuity and trust in a partner, and risk of STI's.

What may be good for you to try and explore is not necessarily good for others you are dating and having sex with to know about or hear. Lesson learned.

The values and standards I’d personally care about are things like integrity, empathy, patience etc.

What value or standard are you talking about? Is it idealism? In your ideal world promiscuity and homosexuality wouldn’t exist is it? Just trying to understand you exactly you mean.

tara73

OP, regarding your question with her having trust issues: I see it as that because her reaction is so extreme she must think because you tried sex with men you must be secretely gay or bi or whatever. She is not trusting your words by saying you tried it but it wasn't for you.

You wrote now she's demanding to ask you more questions about your past. this is taking the biscuit for me. who is she to demand you answer more questions about your past? you've seen how she handles that.

At this stage I would actually be wary to answer anything she asks you.

She sounds very dodgy to me, and who knows at this stage whether she'll be telling stuff you told her to other people. You already said you have same friends and it could end up people knowing things about you at your workplace. nightmare.

My advice: dump her.

Diversity for Hire

She's obviously disgusted that you slept with other men and might be worried you contracted hiv.

Sorry but she doesn't owe you anything. If she breaks up you'll just have to accept it and move on. It might be for the best in the long run.

Ursus Horribilis

I can understand where she's coming from, though admittedly the waters are muddied somewhat by her kissing other females. I don't consider myself to be a homophobe but my view on gay sex is that it's fine for other people but not for me. I think I'd struggle to process a bombshell like what you dropped. It's just a twist on another sort of thread that pops up here from time to time. The one where someone asks their boyfriend/girlfriend how many people they've had sex with and then can't handle the answer they get. Sometimes people are better off not knowing their other half's sexual past because of the trouble it stirs up.

It sounds to me like this woman is struggling to rationalise and process this new information. Perhaps this is why you're getting the new questions and the reaction from her. It's something that would put me off, uncool and all as it is to say here. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to come to grips with my boyfriend having been intimate with other men. It'd be a step too far in my book. (Sits back and waits for the torrent of abuse)

All you can do is give her time and see can she come to terms with it in her own mind. It might ruin your relationship and that's something you'll have to live with. Maybe it's a part of your past you don't need to share with partners. Unless there are people in your circle who know you messed around with men.

Arrival

Absolutely not, man. Never lie, the truth and honesty is more important than anything, no matter how hurtful or painful it may sometimes be. I'll put it this way, would you rather you lied and possibly be with someone that may never genuinely completely accept you in your entirety or tell the truth and make sure you know for a fact that the person truly loves and accepts you? Sure, along the way you'll encounter people who won't be okay with the truth and it will hurt but the end result will be worth it. You were a good person that did the right thing and you trusted her enough to share such personal details with her and this is how she's reacting? Fair enough if she's not okay with it and it's important enough for her to end the relationship, we're all entitled to our preferences and choices, but the way she's behaved is really hurtful towards you

tara73

Arrival wrote: »

Absolutely not, man. Never lie, the truth and honesty is more important than anything, no matter how hurtful or painful it may sometimes be. I'll put it this way, would you rather you lied and possibly be with someone that may never genuinely completely accept you in your entirety or tell the truth and make sure you know for a fact that the person truly loves and accepts you? Sure, along the way you'll encounter people who won't be okay with the truth and it will hurt but the end result will be worth it. You were a good person that did the right thing and you trusted her enough to share such personal details with her and this is how she's reacting? Fair enough if she's not okay with it and it's important enough for her to end the relationship, we're all entitled to our preferences and choices, but the way she's behaved is really hurtful towards you

can only second this.

what kind of relationship is it whenever you tell something about yourself you have in the back of your mind: can I tell this or can I not tell this.

this relationship was early stages as far as I remember. so be it if she can't accept what he did for whatever reason.
but remember OP, you did nothing wrong. not in telling her and not in your experience with men.

Diversity for Hire

tara73 wrote: »

can only second this.

what kind of relationship is it whenever you tell something about yourself you have in the back of your mind: can I tell this or can I not tell this.

this relationship was early stages as far as I remember. so be it if she can't accept what he did for whatever reason.
but remember OP, you did nothing wrong. not in telling her and not in your experience with men.

Well then don't blame the girl for being disgusted if that's how she honestly feels.

Smegging hell

Diversity for Hire wrote: »

She's obviously disgusted that you slept with other men and might be worried you contracted hiv.

Sorry but she doesn't owe you anything. If she breaks up you'll just have to accept it and move on. It might be for the best in the long run.

You've been on the site only a few days and your posting history is full of claims that gay men are promiscuous and inevitably die young from HIV, drugs or suicide.

Perhaps not a subject you have a rational view on?

curiouslad

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I can understand where she's coming from, though admittedly the waters are muddied somewhat by her kissing other females. I don't consider myself to be a homophobe but my view on gay sex is that it's fine for other people but not for me. I think I'd struggle to process a bombshell like what you dropped. It's just a twist on another sort of thread that pops up here from time to time. The one where someone asks their boyfriend/girlfriend how many people they've had sex with and then can't handle the answer they get. Sometimes people are better off not knowing their other half's sexual past because of the trouble it stirs up.

It sounds to me like this woman is struggling to rationalise and process this new information. Perhaps this is why you're getting the new questions and the reaction from her. It's something that would put me off, uncool and all as it is to say here. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to come to grips with my boyfriend having been intimate with other men. It'd be a step too far in my book. (Sits back and waits for the torrent of abuse)

All you can do is give her time and see can she come to terms with it in her own mind. It might ruin your relationship and that's something you'll have to live with. Maybe it's a part of your past you don't need to share with partners. Unless there are people in your circle who know you messed around with men.

What your telling me here is that I should have lied tho. She asked me out straight. It doesn't affect who I am or my relationship with her and like someone said if she had an issue she shouldn't have asked the question. I think she wanted me to say 'eww icky gay men' when she started telling me the story which is worrying for me if she can't use this to grow out of it. Another person said it's the old thing of it being ok for women to kiss women but if men do it their in the closet. That's exactly it I think. But that's about as ridiculous as the old notion that if women had a one night stand then they were sluts while men were legends. The more I get from this and I talked to my friend who is the only other person who knows the more I feel like she is the one with the problem. I think people are delusional if they think a lot more men than they think don't get stray thoughts and urges to at least try stuff and see if its for them. The difference with me is I actually had the balls to discover it and found out it wasn't and I can die happy knowing that forever and I also admitted it when I asked. So she's the one who loses out if she can't get past this. She has a good guy who cares about her and has made her happy for the past couple months. She has a stigma in her head that's not true in the real world at all. If she can't get past that then I won't be that sorry to lose her to be honest.

We've been texting and talking a bit and she's coming over later as planned. I'll post an update cus I read these forums and love when people post updates and you know how it turns out. Thanks for the advice even the stuff I don't agree with it's really helped shake this out in my mind and help me from freaking out.

Calypso Realm

OP-You absolutely did the right thing telling your girlfriend-otherwise the deceit would play on your mind and affect your relationship in other ways. However, this must undoubtedly have come as a bit of a shock to her as evidenced by her reaction etc. I have to say I would be in her position, as it's not something I'd have really considered before then (she sounds the same) about my OH's past. Quite often when we learn something new about a partners behaviour, regardless of whether or not it's in the past, it can, in some cases, despite applying reason and logic, have an adverse impact on the relationship and change how you saw them as a person. Other times, depending on circumstances and individuals involved, it can make little or no difference.

Right now, she's in all likelihood processing this new information and trying to come to terms with it. So apart from answering any more questions she may have (and she will) in an honest and open manner, there's not a lot else you can do-apart from giving her the space she needs at the moment. So I'd back way off for now and leave her be.

However, her reaction and what she does from now IS her reaction and you'll have to respect this and her wishes should she (hopefully not) decide to end things in the light of this new knowledge. On the other hand, she may admire your honestly etc in all of this and elect to continue things as before.

Good luck!

Diversity for Hire

Smegging hell wrote: »

You've been on the site only a few days and your posting history is full of claims that gay men are promiscuous and inevitably die young from HIV, drugs or suicide.

Perhaps not a subject you have a rational view on?

Aids is a far greater risk for men who have sex with other men. There's no arguing with that. It may be why the girl has reacted the way she has

Diversity for Hire

curiouslad wrote: »

What your telling me here is that I should have lied tho.

I think you'd have been better off lying. If you break up she will find a new bf in no time while you might be still pinning after her years down the road.

curiouslad

Diversity for Hire wrote: »

I think you'd have been better off lying. If you break up she will find a new bf in no time while you might be still pinning after her years down the road.

Man you sound like you've got real issues here. Have you ever tried getting off with a lad you might enjoy it?

Diversity for Hire

curiouslad wrote: »

Man you sound like you've got real issues here. Have you ever tried getting off with a lad you might enjoy it?

I'm not the one posting on boards about how i might have blown it with a girl I love. You wouldn't be in this mess if you had lied.

curiouslad

Nope you've signed up to talk about how angry you are at gays, women and abortionists. I'm okay being in my situation instead thanks. But thanks for the advice about lying about having gay expeirences is it something you've personally experienced because you seem really angry at a lot of things that don't have to affect you?

NinetyTwoTeam

Diversity for Hire wrote: »

Aids is a far greater risk for men who have sex with other men. There's no arguing with that. It may be why the girl has reacted the way she has

are you in this thread to be helpful or spout exaggerated, uninformed views about gays because you hate them?

he sex with 2 Men, he wasn't cruising gay bars in NYC in the 80s every weekend. cop on.

OP, I think it's awful that you confided in her something you never felt comfortable sharing, and this is what your trust ended up getting you. it must be very hurtful.

she's obviously not 'the one', she's insensitive and closed minded. you will never feel like you can tell her stuff now.

i would dump her myself.

Diversity for Hire

curiouslad wrote: »

Nope you've signed up to talk about how angry you are at gays, women and abortionists. I'm okay being in my situation instead thanks. But thanks for the advice about lying about having gay expeirences is it something you've personally experienced because you seem really angry at a lot of things that don't have to affect you?

My opinions on those issues are irrelant to your situation. You came here for advice and if you don't agree with what I say, fine, but you shouldn't be getting the hump just because you are hearing things you don't agree with.