Pride Weekend May Get Me Dumped

Calypso Realm

Meant to add above-What all this essentially boils down to is compatability, plain and simple. If she's not OK with your revelations, then you and her are not compatible, end of.

The worst thing you can do now is go into convincing mode trying to win her over, if she's resistant, so to speak. I would take the stance that you've told her now, you found it meant nothing, discovered it most definitely wasn't for you etc etc and it's up to her what she does from now on. The latter may well be a worry for her in that she might be wondering if this could happen again in the future!


Provided, of course, you given all the info she required to make an informed decision, you've done all you can in this situation!

Again, let us know how you get on!

Diversity for Hire

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

are you in this thread to be helpful or spout exaggerated, uninformed views about gays because you hate them?

he sex with 2 Men, he wasn't cruising gay bars in NYC in the 80s every weekend. cop on.

OP, I think it's awful that you confided in her something you never felt comfortable sharing, and this is what your trust ended up getting you. it must be very hurtful.

she's obviously not 'the one', she's insensitive and closed minded. you will never feel like you can tell her stuff now.

i would dump her myself.

I am merely giving an opinion as to why the girl may be acting as she is.

kylith

Diversity for Hire wrote: »

I'm not the one posting on boards about how i might have blown it with a girl I love. You wouldn't be in this mess if you had lied.

Lying is an awful basis for a relationship.

curiouslad

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Meant to add above-What all this essentially boils down to is compatability, plain and simple. If she's not OK with your revelations, then you and her are not compatible, end of.

The worst thing you can do now is go into convincing mode trying to win her over, if she's resistant, so to speak. I would take the stance that you've told her now, you found it meant nothing, discovered it most definitely wasn't for you etc etc and it's up to her what she does from now on. The latter may well be a worry for her in that she might be wondering if this could happen again in the future!


Provided, of course, you given all the info she required to make an informed decision, you've done all you can in this situation!

Again, let us know how you get on!

This is really good advice. When we were texting her I went through the facts that I'd told her and said now you have it in writing that's all I really have to say the rest is up to you. I'll answer questions she may have but I've no interest in begging her to like me if she doesn't. It's her problem that she needs to get over cus she's just as likely to meet another guy whos had similar thoughts or maybe actions and just lies to her when I didn't. She's texting me and seems to be more upbeat so I don't know there may be a twist yet. Another thing I'm going to say is that we can talk about it and she can take more time to think if she wants. She's away next weekend so it'd be a decent chance to get some space and see where we're at after. If I hadn't started this thread I think I'd have panicked and pressured her for an answer tonight so I appreciate that too.

Arrival

Diversity for Hire wrote: »

I think you'd have been better off lying. If you break up she will find a new bf in no time while you might be still pinning after her years down the road.

You have very questionable morals and I hope OP is disregarding what you're saying

Katgurl

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. She asked you a question therefore it is her problem to deal with the answer.

I remember once really not liking the answer to a question I asked an ex about prostitutes. But I decided I had to either deal with it or move on. Being upset with him for his past was not on.

You've told her the truth. Personally i would commend your courage and honesty. I think you are dead right the weekend away will give her space she needs to see if this will be a problem for her. Tell her you're happy to talk about it fully once and then draw a line. It happened before you met her. None of her business really now.

Stellasmurf

OP as another poster said, you’ve done nothing wrong. However lesson learnt on perhaps sharing too much of ones past with current partner. I have never asked about my partners past and I’ve no desire to know.
Sorry to say but it probably is more double standards when it comes to women having gay experiences and men. For me, it would be a turnoff to find out my partner had such an experience. I’m not saying it couldn’t be something I’d get over. You say you had two experiences and now know it’s not for you - could you not tell from the first experience? Again you have done nothing wrong and you sound like a really nice honest- to-a-fault guy. But she may be concerned that your head could be turned again by something she could essentially never offer you. Best of luck OP.

power pants

My logic and granted it might seem contradictory but women seem to pass kissing other women as less a deal than a man having gay sex. To me a man engaging in gay sex must be more than just experimenting

But also gay sex 2x surely if experimenting and realized after the first encounter that it wasn’t for guy that would be enough?

I can understand where the girlfriend is coming from and think she is getting a tough time on here for being shocked and needing time to think about it

I would be the same

mea_k

Bah . leave her. She is judgemental and whats the point asking if there was 50/50 chance it will be answer she won't like . find someone who is accepting of your sexuality because truth allways comes out. Either way . i was half going out half seeing bi guy and he was so so so nice i knew from start that he was bi and to be honest we got on sooo well . Unfortunatley he met a guy who he felt closer to and decides to end us . However i still have not one bad word to say about him . Plus our sex life was great knowing we where comfortable about each others sexuality.

NinetyTwoTeam

power pants wrote: »

My logic and granted it might seem contradictory but women seem to pass kissing other women as less a deal than a man having gay sex. To me a man engaging in gay sex must be more than just experimenting

But also gay sex 2x surely if experimenting and realized after the first encounter that it wasn’t for guy that would be enough?

I can understand where the girlfriend is coming from and think she is getting a tough time on here for being shocked and needing time to think about it

I would be the same

in the past i would have agreed but i have since learned other people are sometimes either more 'fluid' in who they are attracted to, or are more confused. it's not as cut and dry as it is for many straight people.

if she's threatened by him not having a 100% straight sex only history then she's possibly not right for him. it's bad enough if you have a jealous gf who accuses you of being with other girls, OP won't be able to go for a pint with a mate without her after this carryon

Smegging hell

power pants wrote: »

My logic and granted it might seem contradictory but women seem to pass kissing other women as less a deal than a man having gay sex. To me a man engaging in gay sex must be more than just experimenting

Respectfully, (and not referring to your post specifically, power pants) I think these are myths rooted in gender stereotypes. That men's sexuality is immutable and unchanging whereas women's sexuality is flexible. The idea that bi women aren't seriously romantically interested in women and are experimenting/faking for male attention is quite widespead and pernicious also.

A certain amount of people identify as bi before coming out as gay/lesbian, sure, and that is completely fine, and that doesn't invalidate bisexuality, or bi people and how we experience attraction.

I do think these stereotypes are pernicious and should be challenged. I'm a bi lad and they stopped me coming out for years, as I thought if would be an instant turnoff for any staight woman or gay guy I dated. Ultimately it hasn't been an issue with anyone I've dated, of either gender (currently in a same-sex relationship). Once I came out to people I was surprised how many friends, who were or had been in long-term straight relationships, either told me they were bi or were straight but had experimented in the past. I've learned not to make assumptions about anyone.

Anyway, I hope it works out well for the OP and his partner and wish them both well. I agree with what has been said about it being a good idea for the OP to give his gf some time to process it.

Ursus Horribilis

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

in the past i would have agreed but i have since learned other people are sometimes either more 'fluid' in who they are attracted to, or are more confused. it's not as cut and dry as it is for many straight people.

Which is why I believe giving her time and space to process this is the way to go. It might take her some time to come around to this sort of thinking; if she does, great. If she can't, then you're not compatible. I certainly wouldn't be advising you to dump her on the spot.

zoobizoo

What did you expect her to say or do?

There is nothing wrong with what you've done but not everyone as open minded or sexually liberated as that.

Lots of peoplw have gay friends and aren't homophobic but may not want to picture their fella getting blown or shagged by another lad.

power pants

Smegging hell wrote: »

Respectfully, (and not referring to your post specifically, power pants) I think these are myths rooted in gender stereotypes. That men's sexuality is immutable and unchanging whereas women's sexuality is flexible. The idea that bi women aren't seriously romantically interested in women and are experimenting/faking for male attention is quite widespead and pernicious also.

A certain amount of people identify as bi before coming out as gay/lesbian, sure, and that is completely fine, and that doesn't invalidate bisexuality, or bi people and how we experience attraction.

I do think these stereotypes are pernicious and should be challenged. I'm a bi lad and they stopped me coming out for years, as I thought if would be an instant turnoff for any staight woman or gay guy I dated. Ultimately it hasn't been an issue with anyone I've dated, of either gender (currently in a same-sex relationship). Once I came out to people I was surprised how many friends, who were or had been in long-term straight relationships, either told me they were bi or were straight but had experimented in the past. I've learned not to make assumptions about anyone.

Anyway, I hope it works out well for the OP and his partner and wish them both well. I agree with what has been said about it being a good idea for the OP to give his gf some time to process it.

The point of the stereotype isn’t whether it is true or not

I was trying to convey that some women find kissing another woman as no big deal due to the stereotype and can brush it off as society allows them too

However , a guy knows the stereotype is opposite for him so to engage in gay sex, there has to be some some gay tendencies with that individual

To go ahead with this a lot of thought would surely have gone into this

This isn’t even kissing another man this is having full sex. Personally I don’t believe in “experimenting “ as a reason

It’s not an experiment. That person has sexual urges with another man, he is able to get hard and have sex

To do this you surely have to have sexual desire for a man

Again, this guy did it twice, he had sex with 2 different men

I believe the girlfriend is fully entitled to be concerned and justified to be put off , the same way another poster on here was equally happy to be with a bisexual man

We can’t help how we feel and think, the same way op couldn’t resist having sex 2x with 2 different men


I stress fully that i Have zero disrespect for gay people . I just think it’s perfectly acceptable for a person to have 2nd thoughts after a revelation like the one op has given his girlfriend

JackTaylorFan

Yeah, no... She's a horrible person, despite her protests...

A homophobe is a homophobe is a homophobe...

Get rid unless you like those values

Smegging hell

power pants wrote: »

The point of the stereotype isn’t whether it is true or not

I was trying to convey that some women find kissing another woman as no big deal due to the stereotype and can brush it off as society allows them too

However , a guy knows the stereotype is opposite for him so to engage in gay sex, there has to be some some gay tendencies with that individual

To go ahead with this a lot of thought would surely have gone into this

Hmm. Surely if social attitudes aren't true when we should work against them, not just accept them. Otherwise social attitudes would never change, as they have vastly for the better in Ireland in recent years.

I think the dump her responses are hasty, it's quite possibly something the OPs gf just needs time to process. If the relationship does end I don't think he's done anything wrong, though.

power pants

Smegging hell wrote: »

Hmm. Surely if social attitudes aren't true when we should work against them, not just accept them. Otherwise social attitudes would never change, as they have vastly for the better in Ireland in recent years.

I think the dump her responses are hasty, it's quite possibly something the OPs gf just needs time to process. If the relationship does end I don't think he's done anything wrong, though.

I agree , he certainly hasn’t done anything wrong at all

Some people are happy to accept the news some aren’t

There are no right or wrong answers to this

I don’t understand people accusing her of being a homophobe, that’s ridiculous.

JackTaylorFan

Stellasmurf wrote: »

But she may be concerned that your head could be turned again by something she could essentially never offer you.

What? this is what we call biphobia... Assuming someone who has had same sex experience in the past is more likely to cheat in a relationship than a heteronormative counterpart...

Literally, nothing but prejudiced ramblings.

TheBoyConor

OP. She signs you like a nasty piece of work. She is leaving you hanging on a strong to exert power and control over you because she knows you want her.

Save her the bother and dump her ass.

Rachiee

Diversity for Hire wrote: »

Aids is a far greater risk for men who have sex with other men. There's no arguing with that.

Not for your benefit (theres no point) but for anyone else just to say AIDS and HIV are not the same thing, you can develop AIDS if you have HIV and are not receiving treatment.

Thankfully treatment for HIV is so good now that if you are fully compliant your viral load can become undetectable. Those with an undetectable viral load are no longer infectious they can have unprotected anal sex or vaginal sex without the risk of passing on the virus.

Back on topic, I think honesty is the only way to build a relationship so you did the right thing either way, and if its more than she can handle and you do breakup of course you or her dont need to tell anyone why. Just say it didnt work out most people wont probe for anything more.

Stellasmurf

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

What? this is what we call biphobia... Assuming someone who has had same sex experience in the past is more likely to cheat in a relationship than a heteronormative counterpart...

Literally, nothing but prejudiced ramblings.

I think you may need to read my post again and educate yourself on some definitions. This does not make her biphobic, it is a simple preference for her own sexual partner which she is fully entitled to have. OP has done nothing wrong, his gf has done nothing wrong. She may come around but she is entitled to be turned off too. I was simply offering a possible explanation for her reaction. And nowhere did I mention cheating.

mea_k

mea_k wrote: »

Bah . leave her. She is judgemental and whats the point asking if there was 50/50 chance it will be answer she won't like . find someone who is accepting of your sexuality because truth allways comes out. Either way . i was half going out half seeing bi guy and he was so so so nice i knew from start that he was bi and to be honest we got on sooo well . Unfortunatley he met a guy who he felt closer to and decides to end us . However i still have not one bad word to say about him . Plus our sex life was great knowing we where comfortable about each others sexuality.

There's no hope in hell that it's a 50/50 she won't like the answer. You think half of men have had a same sex encounter?

As for other replies, it's absolutely nuts that people see this womans reaction as being unreasonable or homophobic. She wants a straight man, simple, natural, normal. It's incredible to see how despite widespread acceptance of homosexuality there are still people who try to see homophobia when somebody doesn't want a partner who's previously had same sex relationships or sexual encounters. That's a bull**** agenda you're pushing. I'm male and just about as straight as it gets and would have zero interest in a woman who had a past involving female sexual partners. That's not homophobia. That's perfectly normal.

Homosexuality and bisexuality are perfectly okay. I see no issue with anyone wanting to be with (in whatever sense of the word) anyone they want to be with. Just don't expect heterosexual men and women to accept a lable of being a homophobe or biphobe just because they have their own expectations from a partner or whatever.

Acceptance is a two way street, but it's plain wrong to suggest the OP's girlfriend is some kind of bigot or otherwise a bad person because of her own boundaries.

JackTaylorFan

JackTaylorFan wrote:

What? this is what we call biphobia... Assuming someone who has had same sex experience in the past is more likely to cheat in a relationship than a heteronormative counterpart...

Who is the "we" you are referring to?

This is not biphobia.

Assuming someone is attracted to men and women has a greater likelyhood of getting their head turned could simply be down to the fact that there are twice the amount of people that could turn their head.

Simple maths and probability

sexmag

JayZeus wrote: »

She wants a straight man, simple, natural, normal.

Wha?

JayZeus wrote: »

I'm male and just about as straight as they come

Ah ok pastor,back to the baptist church and picketing gay weddings for you

sexmag

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Who is the "we" you are referring to?

This is not biphobia.

Assuming someone is attracted to men and women has a greater likelyhood of getting their head turned could simply be down to the fact that there are twice the amount of people that could turn their head.

Simple maths and probability

This is just insecurity in a relationship which is the person experiencing it's problem not the person who may be bi.

If someone will cheat they'll do it and it doesn't matter if they are straight,bi or gay and having more people around you may be attracted too doesn't matter.

sexmag

sexmag wrote:

This is just insecurity in a relationship which is the person experiencing it's problem not the person who may be bi.

I agree. If this girl is insecure, she would be twice as insecure if she felt she had to worry about men AND women.

Doesn't make her biphobic though.

Diversity for Hire

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Yeah, no... She's a horrible person, despite her protests...

A homophobe is a homophobe is a homophobe...

Get rid unless you like those values

Eh no <SNIP> she's entitled to be turned off by the op. You can't shame her into changing how she feels.

dudara

Yellow card for Diversity for Hire for being uncivil to other posters. Please improve your standards and read the forum charter before posting again.

@sexmag - improve the standards please.

To all posters - a reminder that posts are about offering advice to the OP. This is not the forum for discussing homophobia amongst yourselves. Thanks

dudara

sexmag

sexmag wrote: »

Wha?


Ah ok pastor,back to the baptist church and picketing gay weddings for you

Why the derision?

Because I’m prepared to openly say I don’t find anyone other than a straight female to be a desireable sexual partner?

Because I think someone who has repeated same sex encounters may not meet the requirement as a partner for a straight person and I’d defend their right to make that determination?

Because I say it’s wrong to criticise people who are straight just for being straight?

It’s a bit pathetic for anyone to suggest otherwise. Theres absolutely no justification for anyone to demand true acceptance of homosexuality, bisexuality etc on one hand and to reject the fact that the majority of people are heterosexual and that they prefer heterosexual partners.

The OP is being encouraged to see that he didn’t do anything wrong (I agree) but neither did his GF. She has an absolute right to decide if his sexual past becomes a breaking point in their relationship.

So go make fun of someone else. You can’t undermine my point no matter what jeering you may try.

hawley

curiouslad wrote: »

What your telling me here is that I should have lied tho. She asked me out straight. It doesn't affect who I am or my relationship with her and like someone said if she had an issue she shouldn't have asked the question. I think she wanted me to say 'eww icky gay men' when she started telling me the story which is worrying for me if she can't use this to grow out of it. Another person said it's the old thing of it being ok for women to kiss women but if men do it their in the closet. That's exactly it I think. But that's about as ridiculous as the old notion that if women had a one night stand then they were sluts while men were legends. The more I get from this and I talked to my friend who is the only other person who knows the more I feel like she is the one with the problem. I think people are delusional if they think a lot more men than they think don't get stray thoughts and urges to at least try stuff and see if its for them. The difference with me is I actually had the balls to discover it and found out it wasn't and I can die happy knowing that forever and I also admitted it when I asked. So she's the one who loses out if she can't get past this. She has a good guy who cares about her and has made her happy for the past couple months. She has a stigma in her head that's not true in the real world at all. If she can't get past that then I won't be that sorry to lose her to be honest.

We've been texting and talking a bit and she's coming over later as planned. I'll post an update cus I read these forums and love when people post updates and you know how it turns out. Thanks for the advice even the stuff I don't agree with it's really helped shake this out in my mind and help me from freaking out.

A lot of your posts have just consisted of you complaining about your girlfriend. Seems like the most decent and honourable thing to do would be to finish the relationship, especially if you don't think that she is allowed have any opinion about anything.