Boyfriend making big decision

zapper55

You do realise you don't have to help him pack and move don't you? That last paragraph is so incredibly passive. You could just not offer to help and if he asks, have something else on.

You also don't have to have him stay every day during the week. Just because it's his plan doesn't mean you have to jump to every idea he has. I think you using the the expression people pleaser is interesting. I often see it used by people to justify not asserting boundaries due to a lack of self confidence.

BuboBubo

Men in their 50's tend to be "set in their ways", I'm married to one btw. Did he have those 'traditional' parents where Daddy made all the decisions - was the man treated like a God while Mammy was subservient? That was pretty common behaviour back then unfortunately

Think hard about what you want, then do exactly what you want. Do you really see a future of happiness with him?

Look after yourself. Make YOU your priority. You don't like his house - don't stay. You like your life as is - don't change it for him.

BuboBubo

BuboBubo wrote: »

Men in their 50's tend to be "set in their ways", I'm married to one btw. Did he have those 'traditional' parents where Daddy made all the decisions - was the man treated like a God while Mammy was subservient? That was pretty common behaviour back then unfortunately

Think hard about what you want, then do exactly what you want. Do you really see a future of happiness with him?

Look after yourself. Make YOU your priority. You don't like his house - don't stay. You like your life as is - don't change it for him.

Edit - ask him what are you to him girlfriend? Potential wife? or an 'ah sure things are just fine as they are...?'

Ursus Horribilis

OP, are you worried that if this relationship with this man ends, you'll not meet anyone else? Have you had trouble meeting boyfriends throughout your life? How's your self esteem.

I felt a little sad reading your update. You sound so passive and afraid to stand up for yourself. You're understandably upset and aggrieved at what this man has decided to do (as would any person) but you're just standing on the sidelines wringing your hands. You appear to be unwilling and/or unable to have a proper, frank discussion about what has happened. Showing a bit of backbone and standing up for yourself is not being a Bridezilla. Why are you afraid to talk to him? Is it because you're afraid of the answers you'll get? Are you afraid to be single again?

It also brings into question the sort of dynamic that has been in your relationship anyway. Unless this guy is one of those set in their ways, mostly single bachelor types, it suggests that he's the one with the power in your relationship. He's calling all the shots and you're just silently, sadly rowing in behind him. It saddens me to see someone becoming a doormat in the way you have. Are you OK with that?

never_mind

whattodoandfeel wrote: »

When the packing up and moving starts, I don't know what I'll do - just have to get stuck in and help out, I suppose!

Ah OP, I actually feel really bad for you now. I can tell from this post that you are not the type of person to rock the boat or to stand up for yourself the way you should. I would consider broaching the topic again as a once-off to get some final answer to your questions. I wonder is he moving to make it easier to eventually break from you and that's what you need to ask him. Whatever the outcome, you need to start looking at being selfish and doing what suits you - book a holiday alone, join a gym, start a book club and do it for YOU and don't include him. This will show him that you are independent and able to make decisions yourself.

Chin up, OP, you are well able to deal with this man and his random decisions!

Big Bag of Chips

There is nothing wrong with going along with this for a while and seeing how it pans out. It might actually work out ok. And if it does, great. On the other hand it might prove to be detrimental to your relationship. If it does, then you are as entitled as he is to make the decision that suits you.

I suppose these days people give up on relationships very quickly, and if everything isn't perfect all the time, they're thrown aside to look for something that is. In reality no relationship is perfect, and every relationship takes compromise. You have the right though to decide what you are willing to compromise on. See how it goes, it might be fine, it might be something that you both find a compromise that works for you both. If you find yourself making all the compromises though, it might be time to have a think.

fineso.mom

Hi, OP. I see you said he has sold his house . Where is he going to live while hes waiting for the new house to be built ?

rainbowtrout

whattodoandfeel wrote: »

When the packing up and moving starts, I don't know what I'll do - just have to get stuck in and help out, I suppose!

Why do you have to get stuck in? It's his house move, pretty much nothing to do with you. Let him do it.

Echoing other posts, but just because he has made a decision doesn't mean you have to row in with it. He has made a decision that entirely suits him, and as far as he is concerned you can row in with it or tough luck.

Remember he has made the decision to move an hour away, told you that you could move in with him and work part time. There's no compromising his lifestyle for you.


Where is he going to live if he has to vacate his current house and his new house is not ready yet? Has he just decided he's moving in with you out of convenience?

Don't be a doormat. He has made decisions to suit himself. Time for you to do the same for yourself.

Stellasmurf

After a two year relationship and there was zero mention of him buying this house prior to making the decision?
I’m sorry but it sounds like he does not see the two of you as a serious thing. Moving further away may be his way of eventually making a break. I’m sorry OP. I certainly would not stand for this.

dubstarr

Stellasmurf wrote: »

After a two year relationship and there was zero mention of him buying this house prior to making the decision?
I’m sorry but it sounds like he does not see the two of you as a serious thing. Moving further away may be his way of eventually making a break. I’m sorry OP. I certainly would not stand for this.

I agree,seems to be hes doing this so you will end it.And he wont be classed as the bad guy

LegacyUser

Just an update. So he's moved out of his house a few weeks ago and staying mostly with me and odd night with said relative. His own house will be ready in about a month. He told me one night what nights would suit to stay with me for his job in the city centre while here and also when he moves... I said hang on, that might not always suit me. I feel he's making all plans and I'm expected to fall in with them... even to the extent of what nights he stays in my place and now sometimes what we watch on television. I still haven't seen the house. He'll ring me and say I will/won't be there tonight... I feel I need to start making plans so I won't always be as available. I just don't know what to do... feel quite sad. I don't want to live in this area ever, don't want to spend a lot of time traveling there just because he's decided to move and feel like there's a cloud hanging over me. I don't know whether to wait it out...

Emme

Whattodoandfeel wrote: »

Just an update. So he's moved out of his house a few weeks ago and staying mostly with me and odd night with said relative. His own house will be ready in about a month. He told me one night what nights would suit to stay with me for his job in the city centre while here and also when he moves... I said hang on, that might not always suit me. I feel he's making all plans and I'm expected to fall in with them... even to the extent of what nights he stays in my place and now sometimes what we watch on television. I still haven't seen the house. He'll ring me and say I will/won't be there tonight... I feel I need to start making plans so I won't always be as available. I just don't know what to do... feel quite sad. I don't want to live in this area ever, don't want to spend a lot of time traveling there just because he's decided to move and feel like there's a cloud hanging over me. I don't know whether to wait it out...

He's using you.

The cheek of him telling you what nights suit him to stay with you for his job in the city centre. Expecting you to adjust your plans to suit the nights he wants to stay in your place. Deciding what to watch on your telly.

You need to grow a pair fast.

I am very suspicious that you haven't seen his house. Maybe he isn't planning on living there with you at all but you are just handy at the moment providing him with free accommodation, probably food and TV.

If you don't plan to live in the area then make plans to move out sooner rather than later. Whatever you do don't wait it out. This man has wasted more than enough of your life as it is. You need to get rid. You would be better off alone than with him hanging out of you and using you.

Neyite

Sorry, but I think you are a convenience to him. A handy gaff for when he wants to go out in the city with maybe a bonus shag to round off a nice night out.

If he considered you a part of his life, he would have brought you at least once to see the house he bought. Or discussed you both using his house as well.

I'm not a fan of game playing as I favour straight talking but I agree you should make yourself more unavailable to him coming and going - but in a real way, not just to prove a point. And you don't /shouldn't have to leave your house to be unavailable. If it doens't suit for him to stay over on his scheduled days, just say those days don't suit you for him staying over. Don't fall into the trap of letting him have a key and getting into the habit of staying whether you are there or not. He should stay when you want him to, when you feel like having him over and on your terms.

I think it's sounding like the relationship has ran it's course though. It's not giving you what you expected, and you don't seem happy. Would it not be better to draw a line under this relationship and find one where there's someone who does want a future with you?

Sephiroth_dude

I'd be putting him in his place fairly quick and telling him this isn't on, he chose to move away.

December2012

Have you asked to see the new place?

It seems like there is no communication between you both.

osarusan

Whattodoandfeel wrote: »

Just an update. So he's moved out of his house a few weeks ago and staying mostly with me and odd night with said relative. His own house will be ready in about a month. He told me one night what nights would suit to stay with me for his job in the city centre while here and also when he moves... I said hang on, that might not always suit me. I feel he's making all plans and I'm expected to fall in with them... even to the extent of what nights he stays in my place and now sometimes what we watch on television. I still haven't seen the house. He'll ring me and say I will/won't be there tonight... I feel I need to start making plans so I won't always be as available. I just don't know what to do... feel quite sad. I don't want to live in this area ever, don't want to spend a lot of time traveling there just because he's decided to move and feel like there's a cloud hanging over me. I don't know whether to wait it out...

How did he respond?

One the one had, if you have never sat down for a serious talk with him, but mainly just go along with it (reluctantly) he might not realise how much this is bothering you, but as an adult, he should be able to see the possibility of it without needing to have it explained to him.

At best, he just is blind to the whole thing. At worst he is just taking you completely for granted and you are a convenience to him. It's more like to be the latter than the former, I'd imagine.

As Neyite said, absolutely do not give him a key. Let him get used to compromising and accommodating you for a change.

kylith

I'd be asking him if he's fcking insane. He decides to buy a house in another county on the expectation that he can use your house as a free B&B whenever it suits him? He can fck right off, IMO. He is completely using you. You are a bed, sex, and a hot meal to him.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I wish you'd move on from the feeling sad/waiting it out phase. Where is your self respect? All the pieces of the puzzle are now lying in front of you, yet you're refusing to connect them up.

The relationship you thought you were in is no more. Maybe it never was in the first place. It's obvious to the rest of us that this man does not see you as an equal, let alone a life partner. He is suiting himself here and expects you to go along with his wishes. There are warning signs all over this post, yet you are choosing to ignore each and every one. Your passivity is alarming. Please stop wringing your hands on the sidelines and trying to work out how to change your life to keep this relationship going. It's time to be brave and put yourself first. He certainly isn't.

italodisco

Please OP, from a man's perspective you're just a handy hook up.

Somewhere to stay, bit of sex, no hassle.

You're surely worth more than that.

Move on, walk away from this asap. You'd be much better off with a bloke that wants to share everything with you and have a serious relationship.

kylith

kylith wrote: »

I'd be asking him if he's fcking insane. He decides to buy a house in another county on the expectation that he can use your house as a free B&B whenever it suits him? He can fck right off, IMO. He is completely using you. You are a bed, sex, and a hot meal to him.

Just to elaborate on this in a less knee-jerk fashion, OP.

If he really respected you he would have discussed the possibility of the pair of you moving tin together and buying a place elsewhere as a weekend getaway/holiday home, and then the pair of you would have been able to discuss appropriate levels of paying mortgages on both properties fairly.

He has not done this. He has decided to sell his house to buy this other place, and he has decided that this means he will live with you during the week. He has not discussed this with you, he has decided that this will be so.

Is this lack of discussion an ongoing theme in your relationship? Does he frequently make unilateral decisions that you are then expected to fall in line with?

Ursus Horribilis

I get the impression (sadly) that you're going to hang on in there, being treated like a doormat and going along with what he decides. I'd be surprised if this decision of his came completely out of the blue. I bet he has been calling the shots all the time, knowing that you're a people pleaser and don't want to cause a fuss. And I bet you are absolutely terrified of being single again...

Whatever you do next, don't even think about giving up your job, going part-time or moving. Though that's probably not going to happen, now that he has your convenient (own) home to stay in. This is an unfortunate situation you're in but you need to take personal responsibility here and not land yourself deeper in trouble.

gaynorvader

The buying a house thing didn't strike me as particularly bad. He told you in a reasonable time frame from when he made the decision. He may not have even thought he was going to move until he went down and fell in love with the area. Who knows. And as for if you want to move in together, you can both sell your houses and buy one that you both like in an area that's convenient for you both.

What's troubling is his behaviour around your house. The casualness of assuming you'll be able to put him up at the drop of a hat at any point is bonkers and really disrespectful. Personally I'd put a stop to it and make it clear that he needs to ask if it's ok, it's not his house, it's yours and it's not a convenient second house he owns to commute from. Tell him you need a reasonable amount of notice (I'd consider about a week reasonable, 5-7 days). And make sure you stick to it, don't let him walk all over you for any reason, stay firm. It's not fair for him to treat you like this.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. Some good advice. He's now mentioned he is thinking of taking in a lodger. I'm going to tell him I'm not happy with the whole situation.

kylith

Where is he taking in a lodger? In his new house? Was the idea that the pair of you would go there at weekends? How would you feel about being there with a lodger?

Have you at the very least talked to him about splitting bills if he intends to stay in your house?

Neyite

kylith wrote: »

Have you at the very least talked to him about splitting bills if he intends to stay in your house?

The downside to that though kylith is that then he then can come and go as he pleases because he will feel he contributes to the household. It might be better if the OP takes no contribution from him in that regard.

Years ago we had a spare room that we let a friend of my partner stay in at weekends as he lived rurally and this was like a city base for him. He seemed sound and wanted to split bills and contribute to the household. All grand. Then he got a girlfriend who pretty much moved in even though he wasn't there during the week because "he paid rent" - note, she didn't. I'd regularly get home midweek from work to see her hogging the tiny living area with her mates and glaring at me for daring to want to cook my dinner.

So the last thing that the OP needs, given that she doesn't seem to be keen to confront, is him rocking up to 'his' city pad with some friends down the line.

OP, what are you hoping for by telling him you aren't happy with the situation? What is it that you want him to do?

Ursus Horribilis

Whattodoandfeel wrote: »

Thanks all. Some good advice. He's now mentioned he is thinking of taking in a lodger. I'm going to tell him I'm not happy with the whole situation.

And then what? You go back into your box and continue to be treated like a doormat? Honestly, I wonder what it is you're getting from this relationship.

Are you afraid to be single again? You've not answered that question yet.

kylith

Neyite wrote: »

The downside to that though kylith is that then he then can come and go as he pleases because he will feel he contributes to the household. It might be better if the OP takes no contribution from him in that regard.

Years ago we had a spare room that we let a friend of my partner stay in at weekends as he lived rurally and this was like a city base for him. He seemed sound and wanted to split bills and contribute to the household. All grand. Then he got a girlfriend who pretty much moved in even though he wasn't there during the week because "he paid rent" - note, she didn't. I'd regularly get home midweek from work to see her hogging the tiny living area with her mates and glaring at me for daring to want to cook my dinner.

So the last thing that the OP needs, given that she doesn't seem to be keen to confront, is him rocking up to 'his' city pad with some friends down the line.

OP, what are you hoping for by telling him you aren't happy with the situation? What is it that you want him to do?

I get your point, but if the OP is a people pleaser who doesn't confront him there's really nothing to stop him from doing that anyway since he "lives" there.

gaynorvader

It's probably time you sat down and talked with him about how he sees the relationship. Is it just fwbs to him? If not, there needs to be more open discussion around decisions that affect both of you and he needs to show more respect to the parts of your life that are yours and maybe you need to respect parts of his life that he views as his. Nobody's perfect, but people won't know that stuff they're doing is not okay unless you let them know.

Emme

gaynorvader wrote: »

It's probably time you sat down and talked with him about how he sees the relationship. Is it just fwbs to him? If not, there needs to be more open discussion around decisions that affect both of you and he needs to show more respect to the parts of your life that are yours and maybe you need to respect parts of his life that he views as his. Nobody's perfect, but people won't know that stuff they're doing is not okay unless you let them know.

It's fairly clear how he sees the relationship - a situation of convenience (for him).

No matter what anyone says here negotiating with him or trying to talk to him is useless at this stage. The OP could tell him how unhappy she is until she is blue in the face but she is wasting her breath. He has clearly demonstrated that he does not give two hoots about her. It's time for her to move on.

Whattodoandfeel wrote: »

Thanks all. Some good advice. He's now mentioned he is thinking of taking in a lodger. I'm going to tell him I'm not happy with the whole situation.

So he takes in a lodger or rents out his own house (which you haven't seen) and lives off you in your house while not making any commitments to you.

OP he has no respect for you. For all you know he might be installing another woman into his house and she will fill the same role as you are filling only she will be paying him rent. At this stage I'd put money on it he's going to get himself a female lodger - with benefits :rolleyes:

Guys like him often string one woman along for years without any commitment then dump them pronto when they meet the one they do want to be with. They blather on for years about not wanting marriage and children and everyone believes them. Then they surprise everyone with the speed at which engagement, marriage and children follow when they meet someone they really want to be with. The ex who was used and strung along for years is cast aside without a thought and quickly forgotten by everyone.

Do not be the woman who is cast aside. Dump him because you deserve better. Being single for the rest of your life is better than being with this user.

Have you so little dignity and are you so afraid of being single that you will not pick yourself up off the ground and tell him to get lost?

I guarantee if you got sick in the morning or needed some kind of support from him you wouldn't have time to blink before he'd slam your front door behind him.

Ursus Horribilis

The female lodger angle is a bit of stretch to me (especially seeing as he's in his 50s and most lodgers are much younger) but I agree with most of what you said here. OP there is no long term future in this relationship and the sooner you wake up to that, the better. Why you'd want to continue seeing someone who's making decisions without asking you and taking you for granted is beyond me.