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Boyfriend making big decision

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  • 05-06-2018 9:11pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi there,

    I am in my 40s, boyfriend is in his 50s. We've been going out two years now, living a short drive from each other, both owning our own houses.

    Recently he dropped a bombshell and announced that, that day, he'd been to see a newly built house in another county and was going to go ahead and buy, selling his own house.
    He didn't tell me he was thinking of this at all.

    I am worried about the distance it will put between us, even though it is still not a huge commute.

    I would appreciate people's opinions on this. I was a bit upset and surprised - do I have a right to be?

    Many thanks for reading.


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    #2
    milli milli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    OP has your boyfriend been married before or in a serious long term relationship? The reason I ask is that he might be used to making his own decisions without consulting his SO.
    Anyway if ye are serious then this probably should have come up in conversation at least? Wouldn’t he have been viewing houses and all that?
    He really should have said something to you. Is it a very large distance?


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    #3
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,724 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi Op

    Its a pretty big decision alright, to not have mentioned in advance or sought your opinion. I think it tells you how the importance he places on your relationship. Now thats not the end of the world, but it sounds like you thought your relationship was in a different place.

    Its not so much the decision itself.I mean if he owns the house he is perfectly entitled to sell it. if he did not seek your opinion of the new house, so be it. But to not have discussed it with you does suggest he doesn't see you as a core part of his life.

    It could be the opposite , that it was a surprise as he wanted you to move in together in the future, but i wouldn't be betting on that one. You need to have a serious chat about the future i think.


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    #4
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Tbh, i'm on the other side. He might have been thinking about it casually for some time but not worth mentioning as it was just an abstract idea. Now that a house he likes has come up he has decided to seize the opportunity.

    She has her own house and this is his house. I don't see what he should have to obtain her say-so to be able to do this. At the end of the day it's none of her business really.

    And I'd bet if the genders were reversed here the opinion would be different and people would be saying it's her house she can do what she wants without the say-so of a man etc etc


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    #5
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
     At the end of the day it's none of her business really.
    Seriously? They've been going out for 2 years.
    No-one is saying he should have sought her approval, but don't you think that it's the tiniest bit abnormal for someone in a 2yr relationship to make a big decision - such as selling up, moving to a different county and buying a house there - without first even discussing it with their partner?


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    #6
    SusanC10
    Registered Users Posts: 2,432 ✭✭✭SusanC10


    OP - had you and your Boyfriend discussed longer-term plans at all ?

    Tbh, I find it odd that after 2 years together that he would make this kind of decision without mentioning anything to you. It would seem that you both are on very different pages in relation to your Relationship.


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    #7
    Flibble
    Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭Flibble


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Tbh, i'm on the other side. He might have been thinking about it casually for some time but not worth mentioning as it was just an abstract idea. Now that a house he likes has come up he has decided to seize the opportunity.

    She has her own house and this is his house. I don't see what he should have to obtain her say-so to be able to do this. At the end of the day it's none of her business really.

    And I'd bet if the genders were reversed here the opinion would be different and people would be saying it's her house she can do what she wants without the say-so of a man etc etc


    No, I very much doubt that.

    After two years together, it wouldn't be a wild jump to assume that lives start to come together with a view towards moving in together etc etc. If he was comfortable making this big decision without the input of the OP, them it doesn't bode well for how seriously he sees the relationship being.

    Gender doesn't come in to it, and obviously he's free to do as he likes with his own property.

    BUT, in a serious committed long term relationship, you really should be considering your partner regarding big, life changing decisions. If you're not, your dedication will be questioned, and rightly so.


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    #8
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Maybe he has only just made the decision and is not telling her.

    Bear in mind that he hasn't bought or sold any house yet. He has stated his intention to do so. What more do you want? Suggesting anything further than notifying her of his intention would be effectively seeking her approval.

    It would be different if he bought/sold and had it all done n dusted and then dropped it into conversation like "oh yeah, it'll take me an extra 30 minutes to come meet you this evening because I've moved into a new house in the next county.

    I'd view an insistence on approval from a girlfriend as a red flag for possible controlling behaviour. In my opinion if I was in the guy's poistion and a gf started whining because I didn't consult her on buying a new car whatever I'd not be at all impressed.


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    #9
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    And I'd bet if the genders were reversed here the opinion would be different and people would be saying it's her house she can do what she wants without the say-so of a man etc etc

    Oh get a grip, this has nothing to do with gender politics.

    OP, obviously his house is his business and he's entitled to move where he likes.

    At the same time, this is a very big decision to make without at least letting your partner know about it. You cannot buy a house just like that. He's acting as if he popped out and bought a litre of milk, not a house.

    To be honest though, the house and his dealings with the house are not really relevant. Forget about the house for a moment: he has just told you out of the blue that he is moving away, out of nowhere, without having discussed it with you.

    I think you are within your right to be upset and to make this clear to him. If after two years together, he would keep something like this to himself with no good reason, I think that's very disrespectful. He doesn't have to involve you in the minutiae of his life nor let you have a say in any decisions of his, but if he was thinking of doing something this big, it's very strange that he didn't tell you.


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    #10
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Maybe he is just an independent person.

    Sure, she is entitled to complain to him about it. And he is entitled to tell her to go forth if he feels her desire for the low down on his decision is intrusive.


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    #11
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    I'd view an insistence on approval from a girlfriend as a red flag for possible controlling behaviour. In my opinion if I was in the guy's poistion and a gf started whining because I didn't consult her on buying a new car whatever I'd not be at all impressed.

    Nobody is saying he needs her approval, but when you're in a long term committed relationship, it's expected that you have an open discussion and take the other persons feelings into consideration before making a huge decision like that.

    After 2 years, most people would be considering moving in together. By making this decision entirely on his own, I'd interpret that as not being very serious about a future together.


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    #12
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    woodchuck wrote: »
    Nobody is saying he needs her approval, but when you're in a long term committed relationship, it's expected that you have an open discussion and take the other persons feelings into consideration before making a huge decision like that.

    Re-read what you typed. If he were to take her feelings into consideration, and to address those feelings would be likely to influence or change your decision, does that effectively amount to seeking approval?

    Another thing is, perhaps he knew that if he told her that she would be very likely to take up issue with his wishes, complain and be trying to influence or change his decision.
    After 2 years, most people would be considering moving in together. By making this decision entirely on his own, I'd interpret that as not being very serious about a future together.

    Maybe he has no interest in moving in together? If someone is single at 50 the chances are that they are that way because they like the independence and being your own person.


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    #13
    Flibble
    Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭Flibble


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Maybe he has no interest in moving in together? If someone is single at 50 the chances are that they are that way because they like the independence and being your own person.


    That's the issue. It's perfectly fine for him to feel that way, but it would appear to have not been communicated to the OP at any stage. If this is how he feels, and this is not how the OP feels, then she has a tough decision ahead of her.

    This isn't about control, this isn't about asking for him to give anything up, this is about the OPs surprise and disappointment that the relationship potentially isn't where she thought it was, and potentially isn't heading where most people would expect it to head.

    He hasn't done anything *wrong*, nor has she, but a big chat needs to be had to see if they're on the same page or not.

    I don't know why you can't grasp this?? Adults separate life paths grow together at some point into one path. Or, at least, most people expect them to.


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    #14
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Re-read what you typed. If he were to take her feelings into consideration, and to address those feelings would be likely to influence or change your decision, does that effectively amount to seeking approval?

    It's not seeking approval, it's having a discussion. This goes way beyond buying a house - it's about their relationship too. The fact that he has decided to move house without discussing it with his partner, would make me think that he's only thinking of his own future, not a future together. If he was thinking about a future together, he definitely would have discussed this with her.
    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Another thing is, perhaps he knew that if he told her that she would be very likely to take up issue with his wishes, complain and be trying to influence or change his decision.

    You're trying to make out like the OP is controlling, but that's not the case at all here from what we've been told. It's completely reasonable to be upset that your long-term partner is making huge life decisions without even discussing it first.
    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Maybe he has no interest in moving in together? If someone is single at 50 the chances are that they are that way because they like the independence and being your own person.

    Bingo. This is likely the issue. They need to have a serious conversation about what they both want from the relationship.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP says its another county but down the country distance talks on a whole new meaning and people don't see it as a big deal to travel distance to see people but moving house is a pretty big deal for most people so it's odd it's not something you'd mention in passing conversation to your partner of 2 years. My co-worker I barely talk to is buying a house and I know too much about it! It's not something that happens overnight, it can take a long time so it just sounds odd that not once over diner or a night out it didn't come up until now in general conversation.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op here again. Thanks for all your replies. He had no intention of moving until a week ago. A close relative moved to the same estate a while ago and mentioned to him that there was still a house available, so on a day off he went down to meet builder etc - I knew nothing at all about it until that evening. It's about an hour away. I just feel it's a step backward, after two years together. He did say he considered me and if things work out between us who knows, I may end up living there; however, it's not a place I would have chosen to live myself and the commute would be longer in rush-hour traffic. I was upset that he didn't even tell me he was going to meet builder (it's only in early stages at the moment). We are both quite independent, neither of us married before.


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    #17
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    So it only came up in a very short time frame so?

    In that case it's not as if he was sneaking around behind your back for months and months organising and plotting it and is springing it on you now.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    whattodoandfeel wrote: »
    Op here again. Thanks for all your replies. He had no intention of moving until a week ago. .

    Hi OP the timeline is a little unclear as I read your first post as he was ready to move right away but sounds like he's only been to see the builder and hasn't actually spoken to the bank or estate agents etc about selling his own house and buying this new one? If he only started looking into this week then seems like the right time to mention it to you. It's a long way to go before he sells his own place and moves so I would be vocal now that it's not an area you'd move if part of his plan is you move there with him down the road. It's information he needs to know before he moves forward.


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    #19
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    OP if that's the case then, with respect, your original post was a bit misleading, though I take it that wasn't intentional.

    If that's the case then it's not exactly a bombshell, in the sense that he had just decided recently and told you quite soon after, so it's not something he plotted and hatched without telling you, and so I wouldn't make an issue of it. It's a sudden decision rather than a sudden revelation, though I see why it would bother you.

    All I can say is that at this stage, after two years, you are well entitled to talk to him about where you see it going in terms of living together at some stage etc. At least if you have an answer to that question, then if you have to do long distance for a while it will be more sustainable, as there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, with whatever arrangement you come to.


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    #20
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,331 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    TheBoyConor wrote:
    In that case it's not as if he was sneaking around behind your back for months and months organising and plotting it and is springing it on you now.


    I'd agree this also but make the point that the OP may be the only one who views the distance as an issue. The BF may think that the extra distance isn't much of a consideration. After all, if they live separately, won't he have to equitably travel to her house?

    I don't think being just BF and GF gives either party to an entitlement to such decisions. If you want that then the relationship should have moved to the next stage.


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    #21
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    It amazes me how he could keep something like that from his girlfriend of 2 years.
    I know it would hurt me to think he didnt want me involved.

    I really think I would have to end it


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    #22
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    So it only came up in a very short time frame so?

    In that case it's not as if he was sneaking around behind your back for months and months organising and plotting it and is springing it on you now.

    The long and short of it is he didn't have the decency to tell his girlfriend that he was going to look at a house/to meet builders


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    #23
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    whattodoandfeel wrote: »
    Op here again. Thanks for all your replies. He had no intention of moving until a week ago. A close relative moved to the same estate a while ago and mentioned to him that there was still a house available, so on a day off he went down to meet builder etc - I knew nothing at all about it until that evening. It's about an hour away. I just feel it's a step backward, after two years together. He did say he considered me and if things work out between us who knows, I may end up living there; however, it's not a place I would have chosen to live myself and the commute would be longer in rush-hour traffic. I was upset that he didn't even tell me he was going to meet builder (it's only in early stages at the moment). We are both quite independent, neither of us married before.

    Wasn't it very good of him to consider you It's just a pity he didn't consider your feelings when going to meet builders.
    I would be fuming op


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    #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. Well this all happened about a week and a half ago. He put booking deposit down the day after telling me and arranged for his own house to go up for sale, which happened yesterday, so it's all systems go. I don't want to put too much of a dampner on it for him but he knows I have my reservations and was upset he didn't tell me he was going to meet the builder when he knew for a few days beforehand. He says I can go and stay with him at weekends and he can stay with me during the week as it's nearer to his work. However I like where I live and doing things around the area at weekends. I just can't get excited for him - I feel he's made this decision and would like me to fall in with his plans. Am I wrong?


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    #25
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Op at the end of the day it is his decision to make. You don't have veto on his decisions.
    And you don't have to go along with his plans either. There's always the door if you don't like it.


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    #26
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    whattodoandfeel wrote: »
    I just can't get excited for him - I feel he's made this decision and would like me to fall in with his plans. Am I wrong?

    I don't think you're wrong to feel this way. Have you discussed your future at all? If you decided to move in together, where would you live? From the sounds of it, he'd just expect you to move into his new place.

    I think a serious conversation is needed about where the relationship is headed.


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    #27
    SusanC10
    Registered Users Posts: 2,432 ✭✭✭SusanC10


    woodchuck wrote: »

    I think a serious conversation is needed about where the relationship is headed.

    This.


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    #28
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,854 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    So he's moving further away, yet is deciding he can stay with you during the week because it's closer to work?

    I don't understand.

    Is he usually impulsive? It sounds like this is something someone mentioned to him, and he thought 'yeah, ok'. Selling, moving house and moving further away from your work is something that needs to be considered in greater detail than he seems to be giving it. And then to decide you can stay in his new place at the weekends and he can stay with you during the week??

    Why not just decide that you both move in together somewhere?

    It sounds like he has no ties to this place, other than his friend has moved there. It sounds like he's not going to spend much time there if 4/5 nights a week are going to be spent in your house because it's closer to work.

    I don't know.. all sounds a bit hare-brained to me.


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    #29
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Op at the end of the day it is his decision to make. You don't have veto on his decisions.
    And you don't have to go along with his plans either. There's always the door if you don't like it.

    If you were in the same situation I wonder would you take your own advice.
    You seem aggressive in your reply here
    Maybe for you that's the way a relationship works, Oh I will go out and buy a house who cares if she likes it. But it wouldn't be my way


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    #30
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,350 ✭✭✭Augme


    The guys moving to a new home an hour away from you? You sound like you are making a much better deal of this then it needs to be.


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    #31
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I've no advice as such for you but if I was in your shoes I'd be asking serious questions about where this relationship is going. After two years together you would think that he would have considered you before making this big decision. From what I can see, it's lose lose for you. I'm assuming that moving that hour away isn't going to affect his day to day life that much. The pull here was his close relative and they came out higher on his list of priorities than his girlfriend of 2 years.

    People might say it's "only" an hour away but a move like that has implications for you and your relationship. You'll no longer be able to spontaneously call over to each other's houses or stay over or meet up. That hour will always be added into the calculations. That's before you add in the cost of travelling to see him and the wear and tear on your car. If the relationship was to progress and you moved in together, it'll be another problem. Unless he's willing to move back to the area he left, you're going to be the one who has to uproot and either commute a long distance or find another job. That can be a big ask, depending on where you'd be looking at moving to.

    Leaving aside where he seems to see the relationship going, I'd be asking questions about his character. If he's capable of buying a house on the spur of the moment, what other rabbits is he going to pull out of the hat going into the future? Is someone with a mentality like that the sort of person you'd like to settle down with?


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