Boyfriend making big decision

nikkibikki

Two things here that I think I would be upset about if it were me.

Him stating that it'd be somewhere you might live (with him) in the future. How does he know it's an area you would like? That you'd like the house? He never asked you your opinion.

And he thinks he can stay with you during the week as it'll suit him better for work? The cheek of that assumption! Audacity even!

I wouldn't be shy about saying those things though. You shouldn't be shy either. Your feelings are important. Don't let him or strangers on the internet tell you the distance isn't an issue. If you feel it is, then it is for you.

Ye really do need to have a big chat and maybe re-evaluate your relationship. But the air needs to be cleared before anything progresses with the house sale/purchase.

LegacyUser

Op here again. I feel we are at an impasse at the moment. He knows how I feel - I actually got quite teary a few days ago and said it's his decision and I'll try to fall in with his plans but can't guarantee anything. He said he didn't mean to upset me. I commuted a similar distance from a different place for years a good few years ago and absolutely hated it. He still says if things work out between us maybe I could consider working part-time. This is not something I would choose to do at the moment and it's still not a place I would like to settle down in in the near future. At the moment he can talk about nothing else - suggested I might like to furniture-shop with him etc, something I really can't get enthusiastic about. I feel it's like a grey cloud hanging over the relationship at the moment and feel quite despondent. Am I wrong to feel like this and should I just try and get on with things?

tara73

OP, do you notice something?
this guy is making all the decisions for you, i.e. is telling you what you should do and disrespecting your feelings big time.

Honestly, at this stage I would laugh in his face and tell him where to go.

He buys a house somewhere without even telling you. his suggestion now is you should work part-time. why so in gods name?

then you should happy-clappy buy furniture with him although he knows you're not happy with his ad hoc decision to buy a house 1 hour from where you live now.

Please, get real and reconsider your 'relationship' with this man. what's in it for you? he's behaving like a 15 year old teenager with his first girlfriend.

zapper55

Your original post popped into my head today.

As this house would be further from his work he's planning to stay with you. Ignore for a second that he's made this assumption, what if ye break up in the future, what will he do then?

His idea for you to go part time is quite out if the blue and daft too. Another poster asked this already but is he usually this spontaneous/borderline daft? If so he sounds completely flighty and unreliable.

If not are you not worried that he's behaving completely out of character? I'd be suggesting a doctors appointment to him.

ahnow

Two years in and the age that ye both are at...his behaviour just seems bizarre to me. Like he has treated you as a complete afterthought. Where do you factor into his decision making at all?
Also, what’s the story with all the “if” we’re still together down the line...what is that even supposed to mean?
He sounds really wishy washy. Even outside of the relationship with you his thinking just seems a bit bizarre with all of this. There doesn’t seem to be any practical thinking or planning ahead. You dont seem to be factored into it at all which is just a bit insulting. Also...why would you go down to part time work?! This whole thing just seems really strange!

Also...why is he assuming you’ll be the one to sell up your home to move in with him down the line “if things work out”...and why has he decided he can stay at yours during the week so it’s a shorter commute for him. Is this man for real? Where do you factor into any of these decisions? Is he trying to sabotage the relationship, perhaps there’s something else going on here altogether that you’re not aware of because all of this seems really odd, almost outlandish!

Ursus Horribilis

Of course you're not wrong to feel upset about what he has been doing. In the circumstances, you are being remarkably tolerant. I know you love the guy but are you not wondering if you're now in dealbreaker territory?

If the guy isn't experiencing mental health problems, then you should be taking very seriously the warning signs that are flashing in front of you. He has not only made a rash decision which makes no sense to anyone but him. He has not considered you in any of this. You're the doormat who he can stay with. The one whose expected to drop her full-time job and go part-time. The one who's supposed to be happy to tag along on his furniture shopping trips even though you're upset. Is he usually as inconsiderate and single-track-minded as this?

JustAThought

To be honest when I first read this I thought it said country not county and was accidentally outraged - but its just another place a bit further down the road - a place you dont like but that you have no financial interest in. He now wants you to help out /feel involved by furniture shopping but you dont want to. Ok. And you dont like it and dont want to move there. OK. He forsees a future where you might keep your independence and work part time and perhaps move in with him. OK. Sounds like a lot of his cards are being put on the table - but you just are hurt and want what you want. Can you not be happy for him? Can you not think thats great - he has a new home and a new goal and new dreamhouse -for him- achieved. It sounds a lot like you want to have your cake and eat it and make all the decisions about his money,his life goals, and his finances for him. I dont think its him that is the totally controlling one. Has he made any demands on you - asked you to sell your house - cried into his teacup because you dont want the same home that he does - asked you to sell.ypur place and buy into his? I doubt it. You are both independent adults with your own properties. Frankly from your reaction Id be worrying about you in the relationship and how your self centeredness and ego and controlling desires affects the whole dynamic. Has he asked you to sell up?To financially invest in his house?No. Why not be supportive and happy for.l him instead of dragging down his excitement and dream into a pit of misery and me me me.

LegacyUser

whattodoandfeel wrote: »

He still says if things work out between us maybe I could consider working part-time.

This seems like such an innocuous suggestion, almost helpful even, but in the context it's come up I think this is very telling about how he sees any potential future for the two of you; he'll move and act to suit himself and you will provide a bed to reduce his commute, then eventually sacrifice your job to suit his plans. Never mind your career, ambitions, finances, independence, pension, or anything else that might come with your job, you'll just have to knock that on the head if you want to be part of his plans. This would sound like a bad idea to me even if you had discussed it and come to an agreement, but as he appears to have conceived of a future together that entirely suits him without consulting you at all, this house move is only a symptom of your real problem, his vision of relationships appears to be stuck in a time warp.
I think you need at least a long, hard conversation, but personally I think you should be looking at the door.

ahnow

This post is bonkers. Why should she have to go down to part time work to accommodate a decision she had no part in making? How is that keeping her independence more than continuing to work her full time job?
How does the OP want to make all his decisions about his money, life and goals? It’s not normal in a two year relationship to go and decide to buy a house somewhere and only discuss with your partner after the fact. It shows a deep disrespect to the person you’re with and a complete lack of consideration. It has nothing to do with the other person wanting control over their finances or decisions. It’s about showing a mutual respect for each other, that each partner considers the other enough to be informed and somewhat involved in major life changes. I think your post is basically gaslighting the OP.

JustAThought wrote: »

To be honest when I first read this I thought it said country not county and was accidentally outraged - but its just another place a bit further down the road - a place you dont like but that you have no financial interest in. He now wants you to help out /feel involved by furniture shopping but you dont want to. Ok. And you dont like it and dont want to move there. OK. He forsees a future where you might keep your independence and work part time and perhaps move in with him. OK. Sounds like a lot of his cards are being put on the table - but you just are hurt and want what you want. Can you not be happy for him? Can you not think thats great - he has a new home and a new goal and new dreamhouse -for him- achieved. It sounds a lot like you want to have your cake and eat it and make all the decisions about his money,his life goals, and his finances for him. I dont think its him that is the totally controlling one. Has he made any demands on you - asked you to sell your house - cried into his teacup because you dont want the same home that he does - asked you to sell.ypur place and buy into his? I doubt it. You are both independent adults with your own properties. Frankly from your reaction Id be worrying about you in the relationship and how your self centeredness and ego and controlling desires affects the whole dynamic. Has he asked you to sell up?To financially invest in his house?No. Why not be supportive and happy for.l him instead of dragging down his excitement and dream into a pit of misery and me me me.

woodchuck

For him to suggest you work part time is bonkers! It just goes to show that he considers this his long-term home now and you can either like it or lump it. That's not how healthy relationships work when it comes to big decisions such as where to build a home together.

JustAThought

woodchuck wrote: »

For him to suggest you work part time is bonkers! It just goes to show that he considers this his long-term home now and you can either like it or lump it. That's not how healthy relationships work when it comes to big decisions such as where to build a home together.

You missed the entire point. There is no discussion of building ONE house together any more than there is any ONE home. It is his asset -not hers - and in the same way that she has not involved him in any of the financial issues regarding her asset and financial responsibilities-he has made his plans based on a sudden opportunity that fits his plans that arose suddenly. It sounds as if she thought or assumed they were married or operrating like a married couple but the reality is that they are not and are (older) and independent boyfriend and girlfriend . Not an engaged couple or married partners - that is the ore of the problem. Her demands and expectations of him and his wealth /assets and what she expects and assumes are a bit more demanding,controlling and elevated than his. He moved a half hour or hour down the road and she is now in catastrophic meltdown. He painted a pictire on demand of how they could share sleeping over accommodations and she dosn't want it. He offered to eventually If she wanted move her in and support her while she kept her job (at half time IF she wanted) and she went into meltdown and didnt want that and he then offered a path into the future planning ahead but it wasnt the plan or suggestion she wanted. She may have been happy where she was living next door to her boyfriend but he hasnt finished living and exploring and evolving yet. Bridezilla methinks.

woodchuck

JustAThought, I think you're the one missing the entire point.

Yes, they have been operating as independent boyfriend and girlfriend. However they are together 2 years and it's clear that the OP wants more than that in the long term. It's not unreasonable at all for independent persons to evolve into a couple who live together and make important decisions together. His actions of buying a house independently without any regards for their future together demonstrates that he has little or no desire for the relationship to evolve into something more.

His "solution" that she can work part time if they move in together is laughable. The OP has said herself that she wants to continue working full time, without a long commute. The OP didn't take her feelings into account at all when he purchased this house - a house he expects her to move into "if things work out between them". That phrase alone should be sending up red flags.

I think this may come down to a major incompatibility - he wants to remain independent, she doesn't. There is nothing wrong with either position, provided it is made clear. It doesn't sound like there has been much open communication about this though. But to suggest the OP is a Bridezilla is really insulting to her, as she has very legitimate concerns about the future of their relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

He wants to move an hour away. I presume you missed that piece of detail in your rush to insult the OP and call her a Bridezilla.

JustAThought

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He wants to move an hour away. I presume you missed that piece of detail in your rush to insult the OP and call her a Bridezilla.

He HAS moved an hour away. She is in total meltdown and acting like an absolute Bridezilla.Maybe its a man thing but I'm beginning to see why an hours distance is a good one.Shes a part time girlfriend from down the road - not engaged,not sharing assets, not sharing bank accounts etc. Given her reaction I see why.

Ursus Horribilis

JustAThought wrote: »

He HAS moved an hour away. She is in total meltdown and acting like an absolute Bridezilla.Maybe its a man thing but I'm beginning to see why an hours distance is a good one.Shes a part time girlfriend from down the road - not engaged,not sharing assets, not sharing bank accounts etc. Given her reaction I see why.

I'm not seeing any evidence of her having a meltdown or being a Bridezilla. There is only one person on this thread having a meltdown and it certainly isn't the OP. (the one who is a "part-time girlfriend from down the road" even though she's with this guy for 2 years) Perhaps you are reading a very different thread to the rest of us. Or you're trolling.

JustAThought

Usual infantile if you disagree with me you're a troll post. This is why peoole walk away and dont bother. He bought a new house accordig to the OP on spec having seen a new development and gone down to meet the builder. It is an hour further away. Its his money and she dosnt live with him. Following recriminations he said that perhaps in a few years they might live together in it. She hates it and it dosnt suit her. Just as well she has her own house where she lives so. He then said well maybe in a few years IF we are still together you could consider moving in with me. She said no she dosnt like the house & its too far a commute to work. He said well maybe you could work part time & have less commuting -he will support her. She still says no and hates it all.He then offers to let her decorate it and choose the furniture in her stylefor it -but no -shes still not happy. They still both own their own houses, are just boyfriend and girlfriend with no shared asets or finances and remain living in their seperate homes -ie have not discussed or chosen to live in only one house together or moved in long term in one house together. Still sounds like he has made every effort to offer solutions and compromise and she is just raining on his parade and busy hating away and poisoning the biggest purchase and decision he will make for the rest of his life. Yes -wannabe Bridezilla sounds about right.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, can posters stop bickering. And keep in mind you are replying to the OP. Constantly ignoring the fact that this is her thread and continually referring to her as 'she' while assuming a lot, offers absolutely nothing in the way of advice to her.

I have no idea where the notion of "Bridezilla" came from in this thread, but it ends now.

Post in a civil manner, offering advice to the OP. You don't have to agree with her or others, but points have to be put across maturely.

If you must resort to name calling, don't bother.

osarusan

OP, it seems like he has a fairly fixed and inflexible idea on how he wants things to be, and his suggestions are ways that you could change your life to fit into his plans.

Both his initial lack of consideration for what this move would mean for your relationship, and the way he has reacted to you voicing your concerns, are not good news at all - it doesn't say much for the value he places on your relationship and wanting to make sure that you are happy too.

Emme

OP you and your boyfriend are together two years. Some couples would be making a deeper commitment at this stage. Some would remain at the friends with benefits stage. Every couple is different. However it is important that you want the same things and are honest with each other. He might want somebody who is happy to go along with him, make no demands on commitment and not expect anything more than a (as someone else put it) "part-time boyfriend/girlfriend down the road" sort of arrangement (arrangement, not relationship).

He wants to stay with you in your place during the week to shorten his commute. OK, fine. Who will be doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning during the week? It's your house so probably you. He doesn't consult you on any decisions. Yes, if things worked out it might be nice for you to work part-time but do you want that? Did you think of that? If you have less money and therefore less financial independence and he is living with you some of the time then he might feel more inclined to tell you what to do with your life.

He is deciding what to do with his life without your input. You follow suit. Make your own decisions on what you want and stand up for what you want.

JustAThought

If I recall this was in respinse to her hating his new house and not wanting to stay there -a solution to her problem/issues. I also recall that his proposal included them spending the weekend/otjer nights is his new olace -where I guess he would be doing the majority of the cleaning and cooking. But don't let the truthget in the way of an anti-male argument.

I wonder if this was a same sex argument wpuld the same cliches come out? I agree with the ladt poster -they had a casual relationship arrangement and yes -instead of trying to dictate how he developes and improves his life and follows his dreams maybe she would be netter to stop finding fault with all his suggestions snd compromises and do or find something that makes her happy and satisfied when she cimes home from work instead of complaining about her boyfriends new house and how she hates everythi g suggested or to do with it..

Emme

JustAThought wrote: »

If I recall this was in respinse to her hating his new house and not wanting to stay there -a solution to her problem/issues. I also recall that his proposal included them spending the weekend/otjer nights is his new olace -where I guess he would be doing the majority of the cleaning and cooking. But don't let the truthget in the way of an anti-male argument.

I wonder if this was a same sex argument wpuld the same cliches come out? I agree with the ladt poster -they had a casual relationship arrangement and yes -instead of trying to dictate how he developes and improves his life and follows his dreams maybe she would be netter to stop finding fault with all his suggestions snd compromises and do or find something that makes her happy and satisfied when she cimes home from work instead of complaining about her boyfriends new house and how she hates everythi g suggested or to do with it..

I didn't say she should stop trying to find fault with his suggestions. Indeed she should look at them very carefully and consider how they would impact on her if she were to follow them.

If this were a same-sex arrangement the OP would probably get similar advice and be told not to let him/her make all the decisions without consulting him/her. Also a gay OP would be told to consider what she wants and follow her own path just as in this case.

Big Bag of Chips

JustAThought - Red Card for ignoring a moderator instruction. Please do not post in this thread again.

professore

I think he's living as a single guy still and you are not high on his list of priorities. I don't think there is any evidence whatsoever of controlling her here at all. He's just not that into you.

tara73

professore wrote: »

I think he's living as a single guy still and you are not high on his list of priorities. I don't think there is any evidence whatsoever of controlling her here at all. He's just not that into you.

I think this is going a bit in the wrong direction, it's not just a matter that he's 'just not that into her'. He behaves all in all not in any way as mature as anybody would expect for a man that age being in a two year relationship.

I don't know how much more times it has to be repeated, but he behaves selfish, inconsiderate, impulsive kind of like a child and disrespectful.

And, it might console the OP a bit, I strongly guess he would behave like this with any partner, it's not because of her personally.

So, from my point of view, it's not he's 'not that into you', it's 'this man is not able to be in a mature relationship' and probably will never be as he's already in his 50's.:eek:

professore

tara73 wrote: »

And, it might console the OP a bit, I strongly guess he would behave like this with any partner, it's not because of her personally.

I don't mean it's something wrong with the OP, of course not, but if I had a girlfriend acting like this I would read it loud and clear that I am at best a pleasant distraction to her and act accordingly.

Sometimes a guy gets in a relationship because there is no one more compatible around (in his mind) and it's comfortable - but he still sees himself as casually dating until something "better" comes along.

I've done it myself once, didn't last long, but some guys stick it for years. It's not a reflection on the girl. I am sure women do this too. It is a reflection on the girl if she puts up with it. There are probably lots of better guys out there scratching their heads wondering why the OP is staying with this guy when they would love a chance with her.

Clearly he has money, is this a factor why she puts up with this at all I wonder?

GingerLily

professore wrote: »

I don't mean it's something wrong with the OP, of course not, but if I had a girlfriend acting like this I would read it loud and clear that I am at best a pleasant distraction to her and act accordingly.

Sometimes a guy gets in a relationship because there is no one more compatible around (in his mind) and it's comfortable - but he still sees himself as casually dating until something "better" comes along.

I've done it myself once, didn't last long, but some guys stick it for years. It's not a reflection on the girl. I am sure women do this too. It is a reflection on the girl if she puts up with it. There are probably lots of better guys out there scratching their heads wondering why the OP is staying with this guy when they would love a chance with her.

Clearly he has money, is this a factor why she puts up with this at all I wonder?

That's a really sh*t way to treat people, do these other people know your just using them?

Also why are you assuming the OP is after his money - she owns her own home and wants to work full time, absolutely no reason for you to even suggest that.

Emme

professore wrote: »

Clearly he has money, is this a factor why she puts up with this at all I wonder?

She has money too, she has her own house and is working full time.

professore

GingerLily wrote: »

That's a really sh*t way to treat people, do these other people know your just using them?

Also why are you assuming the OP is after his money - she owns her own home and wants to work full time, absolutely no reason for you to even suggest that.

There were no "them", I said it happened one time back in my early 20s - I'm nearly 50 now so ancient history.

I'd been messed around a few times and was kind of cynical about women. It was either that or nothing at the time. I chose a short lived meaningless relationship. I wouldn't do it again, but I know some whose whole life was like that.

I'm not assuming she's after his money but it surely must be a factor, as he has very few other redeeming features? Unless he looks like Brad Pitt? What is the reason for staying with him then? Surely a legitimate question.

GingerLily

professore wrote: »

I'm not assuming she's after his money but it surely must be a factor, as he has very few other redeeming features? Unless he looks like Brad Pitt? What is the reason for staying with him then? Surely a legitimate question.

Or she likes his company?

LegacyUser

Op here again. Thanks for all your replies. Many Family and friends who I've mentioned this to have all expressed surprise at his decision. To answer previous posts - I am the furthest thing from a bridezilla you could meet. I am a person who doesn't like to upset others, maybe a bit of a people-pleaser. Also, we earn more or less the same so this is not an issue.

Anyway, since I last posted, his house has been sold. Since the day I brought up how I felt it has not been mentioned again - he is in great form and all talk about the move. I don't want to put a dampner on things so I am not going to bring it up again and just see how things go. At the same time, I feel like it's a grey cloud over the relationship - I can't explain why but it's just how I feel.

When the packing up and moving starts, I don't know what I'll do - just have to get stuck in and help out, I suppose!