Husband not helping (rant)

Farmerstatia

Thank you everyone for the advice it is really appreciated.
I'm going to see what he says this evening about it all..he is away at a training course at the moment and will be back this eve some time..
Al I no is I can't keep going the way I am...thank god the baby is growing well and all checks are coming back positive and healthy..
As for our son he is the best and is well able to cook and clean and he really does more than expected on the farm and in the house but at same time I don't want to be doing too much as he still a child .

the purple tin

Tell him to hire a student to work on the farm over the summer holidays and tell him you want a quad as well.
Good luck with everything.

august12

Farmerstatia wrote:

I'm going to see what he says this evening about it all..he is away at a training course at the moment and will be back this eve some time.

What training course could there possibly be on a Sunday? Even the way you have phrased the above says a lot about how you perceive your relationship with him i.e. 'I'm going to see what he says'. If you carry on like this, in the years to come, you are going to be full of resentment towards him, this is not a life, you are existing, and as others have said, you are an enabler, the first thing to do is, rent the farm or a good portion of it and sit back and enjoy your baby.

jlm29

I feel like we’re not getting the full story.
If it’s your husbands family farm, has he ever actively farmed it, or have you been the driving force? People don’t usually dip in and out of farming, from what I’ve seen- they either do it or they don’t.
If you’re the one who pushed to take it over, because you love farming, and you WANTED to work the farm, then it seems as though you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. But yes- your husband needs to help more around the house, and he needs to make his own bloody lunch. Is he doing a green cert- is that why you’re so involved in his study??
That all said- if HE wanted to take over the farm, and is leaving it all to you, that’s not on.
My OH is desperate around the house, and I do the lions share of the work with the kids, but he is farming, and he’s the one who works the crazy hours, while I work a seven hour day, so I put up with it.

If you intend to continue farming, you need to give serious thought to how you’ll manage it with an infant in tow. I’d love to be able to do some stuff around our farm, but I just physically can’t manage it, because our kids are too small to be near it unless they’re in a buggy or closely supervised. My eldest is 6, and it’s only in the last couple of years that I’d trust him to be careful.
If you’re working those kind of hours, you need to either hire some help around the house or else around the farm (or both, ideally). You’ll certainly need to hire someone to mind your baby when it’s born, if you continue to farm. If your farm isn’t making enough money to pay for those things, you probably need to change the way you do things, so you can find a way to make it pay.

wandererz

Simply stop doing stuff for him.
Stop everything to do with him until he cops on and starts helping.
Simple as.

Having a "conversation" won't help. It will be OK for a short while and then things return to the same.

From now on:
"i have no time"
"i will be getting up late"
"i simply was too busy today"
"i did not have the strength"
"i was too tired"
"i need to go to bed early"
"no time to make breakfast, lunch, dinner"

Do that and see what the response is. The outcome will decide what the future holds in the relationship.

Harsh, but do it.

whelan2

wandererz wrote: »

Simply stop doing stuff for him.
Stop everything to do with him until he cops on and starts helping.
Simple as.

Having a "conversation" won't help. It will be OK for a short while and then things return to the same.

From now on:
"i have no time"
"i will be getting up late"
"i simply was too busy today"
"i did not have the strength"
"i was too tired"
"i need to go to bed early"
"no time to make breakfast, lunch, dinner"

Do that and see what the response is. The outcome will decide what the future holds in the relationship.

Harsh, but do it.

He will probably just go to mammy

kylith

Have you talked to his parents about this? A word with his mother about the fact that you’re doing all the work in the farm while pregnant and he’s sitting in his arse and expecting everything to be handed to him might work wonders.

Really, think about what would happen if your doctor tells you that you need to be on bed rest for the rest of your pregnancy. Who would be up at 6 to feed the calves then? Who would do the washing and make the dinners if you couldn’t?

He seriously needs to cop himself on.

HeidiHeidi

Firstly, I'm sorry but as things stand that's not his farm, it's yours.

You're basically doing three fulltime jobs between two of you (well, you're doing two of them).

If two parents work full-time outside the home, they usually subcontract some or a lot of the domestic duties like childminding or cleaning or housekeeping.

Why don't you employ some help? If you can't afford to, then are keeping the farm, or your husband keeping his off-farm fulltime job, actually viable options?

And on a purely practical level, how on earth do you propose to do all that work with a baby/toddler in tow??? (genuine question)

_Brian

whelan2 wrote: »

He will probably just go to mammy

He’ hardly go to mammy for everything

I hope !

Rubberchikken

Let him make his own tea, lunch.
Let him do his own study work. Thats not your responsibility.
Could you have someone help with the farm work?
Is there any student nearby looking for some summer work?

whelan2

_Brian wrote: »

He’ hardly go to mammy for everything

I hope !

Jeeny if she's doing all she says she's doing and pregnant too. I'd say that's the last thing on her mind

Farmerstatia

Talked to oh this eve.
Told him I can't cope with it all.
He said he will do the farming between himself and our son..
Was very defensive saying why would I say he doesn't do anything around the house or farm ....made a show of picking up some washing and bringing it down to the machine!!
He said it would be more in my line to just do the light housework ...
So we will see how long this lasts anyway ...
His mam is not happy with him at the moment the way he has been carrying on.
So he said he sorry but he has been working a full time job and he was out all last weekend changing and sorting cattle which is true..
So we will wait and see...I think I hurt his feelings though

Dial Hard

Farmerstatia wrote:

So we will wait and see...I think I hurt his feelings though

Aw, diddums.

Seriously, this is the second thread on Boards this week that has me questioning what century some men think they're living in.

iamwhoiam

Dial Hard wrote: »

Aw, diddums.

Seriously, this is the second thread on Boards this week that has me questioning what century some men think they're living in.

Me too . And I am from an earlier generation and still am stunned by the two posts .

BabysCoffee

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Talked to oh this eve.
Told him I can't cope with it all.
He said he will do the farming between himself and our son..
Was very defensive saying why would I say he doesn't do anything around the house or farm ....made a show of picking up some washing and bringing it down to the machine!!
He said it would be more in my line to just do the light housework ...
So we will see how long this lasts anyway ...
His mam is not happy with him at the moment the way he has been carrying on.
So he said he sorry but he has been working a full time job and he was out all last weekend changing and sorting cattle which is true..
So we will wait and see...I think I hurt his feelings though

Your feelings should be hurt because he is taking advantage of you

Conservatory

If he is a great earner and you have a farm surely you can afford someone do come in and do a few hours cleaning or cooking or farm work or whatever needs doing.
Life is too short to worry about money if you don’t need to worry about money. I’d gladly have a ten year old car and a cleaner than a new car and a shed load of minimum wage work to be doing.

whiskeyman

Dial Hard wrote: »

Aw, diddums.

Seriously, this is the second thread on Boards this week that has me questioning what century some men think they're living in.

I'm more questioning the women they find who put up with it for so long!!

justfillmein

op I really feel for you in this situation.

I think it might help if you wrote down your list, just like here, and sat with your husband and went through it together.
It might hit him a bit more if he see's it as it is, clear on paper(because it does look quite harsh).

-ask him if he is happy for you to do all that by yourself when you are pregnant.
-highlight what you feel is REALISTICALLY achievable for you to be doing.
anything else left on the list, need's to be dealt with as a couple.
maybe he can write out his own list if he wants, and you can see where each other is at.


it's not going to help by nagging him, or even going on strike(although I very much don't blame you), he's just going to feel cornered and get defensive.
both of you seem to have a lot on your plates.
both are working full time, running a house, looking after a child, and a new baba on the way. that's a lot for anyone.
in an ideal life, we'd all love to have cleaners and nannies, but it's not always possible for the average joe.


you need to lead the conversation, but try steer it in a way that allow's him to come up with some solutions himself, as to what can be changed.
that way he will not feel like you are just 'telling him what to do'.



his laziness might actually be because of him being stressed and overworked himself, with work and studying.
that's definitely not to try and take away from everything you are doing yourself.
just that you need to look at why he is being the way he is.

something needs to give though, because when new baba comes along, it's only going to get harder.


best of luck with it op.
you deserve a medal for everything you have done so far..
and congratulations on the baby after all your hard work in getting here:).

Inviere

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I think I hurt his feelings though

Aka he's sulking because he was pulled up, & the world isn't all rainbows & lollipops.

whelan2

Inviere wrote: »

Aka he's sulking because he was pulled up, & the world isn't all rainbows & lollipops.

She said his mother had noticed it too and he did nothing about it

listermint

The stock has to go. Sell it up.

You still have the farm if you Pair want to get back to it in a few years then you can. Sell the stock and concentrate on the kids that's the important thing right now. You won't get that back.

I've a feeling based on your comments the farm is for you the farmwork is for you and your being a bit disingenuous saying it's for the husband. You probably enjoy it normally but your current pregnancy has put the mockers on that.


You need to re-evaluate things yourself.

As I said the stock has to go . Sit down and talk it over properly and discuss what's really important

gordongekko

whiskeyman wrote: »

I'm more questioning the women they find who put up with it for so long!!

Id like to have a chat with these men and find out where they meet these types of women

Little Miss Fun

I don't understand why some men don't see what needs to be done in the home and in regards to child rearing. Do women enable this behaviour or do some men genuinely not see whats involved in home life?

Conservatory

Little Miss Fun wrote: »

I don't understand why some men don't see what needs to be done in the home and in regards to child rearing. Do women enable this behaviour or do some men genuinely not see whats involved in home life?

Years of evolution. The last decade or two has told men they have a whole new role in life. They have been the breadwinners and women have been the child minder since cavemen days. They mightn’t see a pile of dishes like a woman sees them. It’s probably a bit biological.

Little Miss Fun

Getting past the piles dishes, which I see as a total cop out that men "dont" see.
Do some men need to be explictly told that the child they created needs to be taken care of: I.e feed(properly), washed,loved, educated and socialised etc. I don't have children. I work 50-60 hours a week, as does my partner. What a luxury for me to come home and expect the housework done, my meals on the table, my clothes washed and ironed, my lunch made even when he has worked equal or less paid hours.

Conservatory

Little Miss Fun wrote: »

Getting past the piles dishes, which I see as a total cop out that men "dont" see.
Do some men need to be explictly told that the child they created needs to be taken care of: I.e feed(properly), washed,loved, educated and socialised etc. I don't have children. I work 50-60 hours a week, as does my partner. What a luxury for me to come home and expect the housework done, my meals on the table, my clothes washed and ironed, my lunch made even when he has worked equal or less paid hours.

Maybe life would be better if one of you worked and one didn’t or both went part time. With no children what do you need all the money for? If it’s making you miserable. You can’t take it with you when you are gone. Why not pay somebody to come in a few hours a week and clean and iron?

justfillmein

Little Miss Fun wrote: »

I don't understand why some men don't see what needs to be done in the home and in regards to child rearing. Do women enable this behaviour or do some men genuinely not see whats involved in home life?

that's worthy of a whole thread itself

beechwood55

Tell your husband that unless he shapes up that you will be gone.

twowheelsonly

listermint wrote: »

The stock has to go. Sell it up.

You still have the farm if you Pair want to get back to it in a few years then you can. Sell the stock and concentrate on the kids that's the important thing right now. You won't get that back.

I've a feeling based on your comments the farm is for you the farmwork is for you and your being a bit disingenuous saying it's for the husband. You probably enjoy it normally but your current pregnancy has put the mockers on that.


You need to re-evaluate things yourself.

As I said the stock has to go . Sit down and talk it over properly and discuss what's really important

This....all day long.

If you really want to keep it going then keep a much smaller amount of stock, perhaps treat it as a 'hobby' farm for a couple of years if that suits. I'd be getting rid of everything and taking a 2 or 3 year sabbatical anyway. The farm isn't going anywhere and you can pick it up again later if and when things improve.

BTW, between the 2 jobs do you have 40 or 50 Euro a week to spare ? That's all a cleaner / home help will cost for a couple of hours a week and it'd be money well spent. If OH thinks it's a waste of money then get him to do the work instead. Surely he can spare that 2 or 3 hours a week if he wants to save the money ?

Little Miss Fun

Conservatory wrote:

Maybe life would be better if one of you worked and one didn’t or both went part time. With no children what do you need all the money for? If it’s making you miserable. You can’t take it with you when you are gone. Why not pay somebody to come in a few hours a week and clean and iron?

My apologises. I didn't my make my personal situation clear. We divide domestic duties equally and vey satisfied in the arrangement. It was in relation to the op and to highlight the disparity in their situation.