Husband not helping (rant)

Farmerstatia

Hey all.
So I'm now 29 weeks pregnant and sorry but I have to rant.!!!
Anyone else have a husband that is just not helping.??
I get up at 6 every morning get our son ready and out to school.
H gets up at 8.
I make his lunch for work and his cup a tea.
He goes to work and I go to our farm.
Feed all animals which is very physical..
I'm out on the farm till roughly 3 .
Back home try get the housework sorted cook dinner.
Son comes home I help do homework.
Back out to farm to feed again.
Back home at 6.
H comes home eats dinner and sits up watching TV or on his phone.
I bring son to matches or training . Back to farm for 8/9 to do night feed .
Sort out calves for bottles etc.
Go home and do studying with h cause he has exam in a month.
He goes to bed and I am up till after 12 doing work for him to study .
I don't sleep much and I'm back up at 6.
Not only all that through my day I'm also trying to get the house ready for baby so putting stuff in attic painting the house etc. I'm swamped with house work and washing. ..
H told me I'm different towards him lately and I let loose .
I'm doing more work on farm etc than before I got pregnant! !
Is it just me and hormones or wat is people's opinion ?? I feel like I'm losing my mind .
Is it too much to ask for a small hand??

Sorry for the long rant but I'm steaming here!!!

What did he say when you explained this to him, calmly?

Farmerstatia

JayZeus wrote: »

What did he say when you explained this to him, calmly?

He said sorry and we will sort something.
But I had this convo with him weeks ago and he was great for a week but that was it.
He is the most loving person in the world and a very hard worker and a brilliant earner for our family but he needs to help me on the farm.
Farming generally isn't a woman's field as it is very physical now I'm not being sexist I'm just saying it is extremely physical and trudging up and down wet mucky fields is hard on me . Carry buckets of nuts etc.

Taltos

Sounds more like you’re his mother or carer than his partner and wife.
You really do need to spell this out to him otherwise things won’t magically change for the better, instead I fear for your long term marriage.

Inviere

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hey all.
So I'm now 29 weeks pregnant and sorry but I have to rant.!!!
Anyone else have a husband that is just not helping.??
I get up at 6 every morning get our son ready and out to school.
H gets up at 8.
I make his lunch for work and his cup a tea.
He goes to work and I go to our farm.
Feed all animals which is very physical..
I'm out on the farm till roughly 3 .
Back home try get the housework sorted cook dinner.
Son comes home I help do homework.
Back out to farm to feed again.
Back home at 6.
H comes home eats dinner and sits up watching TV or on his phone.
I bring son to matches or training . Back to farm for 8/9 to do night feed .
Sort out calves for bottles etc.
Go home and do studying with h cause he has exam in a month.
He goes to bed and I am up till after 12 doing work for him to study .
I don't sleep much and I'm back up at 6.
Not only all that through my day I'm also trying to get the house ready for baby so putting stuff in attic painting the house etc. I'm swamped with house work and washing. ..
H told me I'm different towards him lately and I let loose .
I'm doing more work on farm etc than before I got pregnant! !
Is it just me and hormones or wat is people's opinion ?? I feel like I'm losing my mind .
Is it too much to ask for a small hand??

Sorry for the long rant but I'm steaming here!!!

Truthfully? You're nuts doing that much alone, and I'd say the same if you weren't even pregnant. Speak to your husband and share the burdens.

Farmerstatia

Inviere wrote: »

Truthfully? You're nuts doing that much alone, and I'd say the same if you weren't even pregnant. Speak to your husband and share the burdens.

I have spoken to him.he helps for a week and then back to normal again.
I think I'll just have to get on with it I don't think it's gonna change tbh .
Myou son is 13 and he a brilliant help on the farm but can't expect him to do it all either..
Well after I flipped last night h gone to his course and barely spoke never mind eye contact! We will see what happens in the next couple of days!!

whelan2

Most men won't see what has to be done. I am similar to you on the farm. Unless I spelt things out to oh he didn't realise.

Inviere

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I think I'll just have to get on with it

I think that's a mistake. If it's ever to change, you need to hold firm on sharing of burdens. How are you going to do all of the above when a new baby is factored in? Spell it all out for him, like you did in your opening post, tell him you can't continue doing all that alone and you've had enough, and let him do the problem solving. Look after your son, he sounds a good kid.

Your husband needs a metaphorical kick in the backside, & depending on the type of man he is, he might end up being glad of it. As a bloke, I would be!

Sunflower 27

Inviere wrote: »

Truthfully? You're nuts doing that much alone, and I'd say the same if you weren't even pregnant. Speak to your husband and share the burdens.

I agree. He sounds like the type that will happily let you do it all if you plod along.

Work out a few things that he can do to lessen the load for you (surely he can do a few early mornings and evenings going to matches) and tell him that he needs to muck in because as time goes on you will need more help.

Farmerstatia

whelan2 wrote: »

Most men won't see what has to be done. I am similar to you on the farm. Unless I spelt things out to oh he didn't realise.

It's hard on a farm.
Trying to keep it all going on a normal day is hard never mind being pregnant! ! Like h doesn't go near farm now and the farm is his passion he just says he too tired..I'm like eh hello your tired be in my shoes and u know wat tired means..
My housework is literally out of control..if h good clothes aren't washed yet he gets a bit stroppy I'm just running on thin air and don't have anyone to give me a hand

bilbot79

If sharing the burden leaves both of you with hardly any downtime then maybe you've simply taken on too much as a couple. He's a great earner so why does there have to be so much extra work? If the man of the house does a non farming job, why the farm? Do you really need to be doing this?

Just saying this as the other posts will be about how to make your husband share the load but maybe the issues here are a symptom and not a cause?

Glass fused light

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hey all.
So I'm now 29 weeks pregnant and sorry but I have to rant.!!!
Anyone else have a husband that is just not helping.??
I get up at 6 every morning get our son ready and out to school.
H gets up at 8.
I make his lunch for work and his cup a tea.
He goes to work and I go to our farm.
Feed all animals which is very physical..
I'm out on the farm till roughly 3 .
Back home try get the housework sorted cook dinner.
Son comes home I help do homework.
Back out to farm to feed again.
Back home at 6.
H comes home eats dinner and sits up watching TV or on his phone.try get the housework sorted prepared slow cook dinner for tomorrow
I he bring son to matches or training . Back to farm for 8/9 to do night feed .
Sort out calves for bottles etc.
Go home and do studying with h cause he has exam in a month.
He goes to bed and I am up till after 12 doing work for him to study .
I don't sleep much and I'm back up at 6.
Not only all that through my day I'm also trying to get the house ready for baby so putting stuff in attic painting the house etc. I'm swamped with house work and washing. ..
H told me I'm different towards him lately and I let loose .
I'm doing more work on farm etc than before I got pregnant! !
Is it just me and hormones or wat is people's opinion ?? I feel like I'm losing my mind .
Is it too much to ask for a small hand??

Sorry for the long rant but I'm steaming here!!!

You are not superwoman, you need to stop doing. If you are doing all the housework and washing and food prep you need to have a discussion. Politely explain to him that you could save about 2 hours a day if he was not living with you have less washing and the same volume of work and be in bed by 9:30 each night. The discussion should produce a list of jobs two columns, one for you and one for husband and a tick box system. He is in charge of getting the work done not you, after all if he wants to be treated as a child ....

Mooooo

Sit down and spell it out to him. Just 're the farm, what are ye farming that needs to be fed 3 times a day? Stand back and see where it can be made more efficient and get him to help you do it

Farmerstatia

The family is a family farm and has been handed down to him .
My fil helps me out when he can but he has his own farm too!
I have always done the farm .. I love farming . I love being on it.
He just needs to open the eyes and see what is happening.
Like I know every pregnancy is a blessing don't get me wrong but this one is 5 years in the making with ivf . He was more helpful when we were going through the ivf!!
I'm gonna just get tougher cause it's just going to get harder to move around and do things after a while.

Pelvis

So after you said this to him did your get up this morning and make his lunch and a cup of tea again?

Stop making his lunch, his tea, his dinner, doing his washing, doing the housework.

When he gets home, tell him you're tired and going to bed, leave him to sort out the farm, his dinner, and whatever else needs to be done.

You need to put your foot down.

whelan2

Farmerstatia wrote: »

It's hard on a farm.
Trying to keep it all going on a normal day is hard never mind being pregnant! ! Like h doesn't go near farm now and the farm is his passion he just says he too tired..I'm like eh hello your tired be in my shoes and u know wat tired means..
My housework is literally out of control..if h good clothes aren't washed yet he gets a bit stroppy I'm just running on thin air and don't have anyone to give me a hand

Get a cleaner once a week for the house. You are not wonder woman. If he's not going to help why should you do it all. I have a cleaner comes once a week changes all bed linen. Washes floors, hoovers etc. I couldn't carry on with out her. It's easier to get help for the house than for outside

Farmerstatia

Mooooo wrote: »

Sit down and spell it out to him. Just 're the farm, what are ye farming that needs to be fed 3 times a day? Stand back and see where it can be made more efficient and get him to help you do it

We have a suckled herd so all cows and calves to be checked and nutted.
But wat needs to be fed three times a day is the beef bullocks that are getting fattened.
They are going in 3 weeks so that will be a serious burden lifted when there gone.
They need nuts and silage 3 times a day.
I also am a carer to his uncle that's suffers from bi-polar so it's busy but also stressful some days when his uncle is having a low or high day.

listermint

Have you considered packing the farming itself in?

It's too much work for little reward and he himself doesn't seem interested.

Why are you keeping it going. For yourself ?


There doesn't seem a reason to keep it going..

Glass fused light

bilbot79 wrote: »

If sharing the burden leaves both of you with hardly any downtime then maybe you've simply taken on too much as a couple. He's a great earner so why does there have to be so much extra work? If the man of the house does a non farming job, why the farm? Do you really need to be doing this?

Just saying this as the other posts will be about how to make your husband share the load but maybe the issues here are a symptom and not a cause?

Great earners hire house help to make sure they get fed and have clean clothing. If they don't want to run around after their childern they hire a nanny with a driving licence to ferry the little darlings around.

They dont decide that stopping work is the answer to the other party in the couple having to carry the domestic arrangements.

bilbot79

Farmerstatia wrote: »

The family is a family farm and has been handed down to him .
My fil helps me out when he can but he has his own farm too!
I have always done the farm .. I love farming . I love being on it.
He just needs to open the eyes and see what is happening.
Like I know every pregnancy is a blessing don't get me wrong but this one is 5 years in the making with ivf . He was more helpful when we were going through the ivf!!
I'm gonna just get tougher cause it's just going to get harder to move around and do things after a while.

I think you should pull the ivf card here. Being overworked is bad for the baby.

He can put on a few washes, I started doing that myself a couple of weeks back, it's not that bad.

Otherwise, can you hire a cleaner? Highly recommended and generally relatively cheap

whelan2

Pelvis wrote: »

So after you said this to him did your get up this morning and make his lunch and a cup of tea again?

Stop making his lunch, his tea, his dinner, doing his washing, doing the housework.

When he gets home, tell him you're tired and going to bed, leave him to sort out the farm, his dinner, and whatever else needs to be done.

You need to put your foot down.

It's easier said than done to leave things that need to be done as they will still be there the next day

Farmerstatia

Pelvis wrote: »

So after you said this to him did your get up this morning and make his lunch and a cup of tea again?

Stop making his lunch, his tea, his dinner, doing his washing, doing the housework.

When he gets home, tell him you're tired and going to bed, leave him to sort out the farm, his dinner, and whatever else needs to be done.
If I don't do a dinner then our son won't eat a proper dinner and I won't let that happen or he will just go down to his mam for dinner..which is brilliant on the days where I'm literally up to my eye balls with farming say when we have to mover cattle or have a cow calving..
But I know he would just land to his mams and that would feel terrible for me ...make me feel like a terrible wife!! I know old fashioned .

Pelvis

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Pelvis wrote: »

If I don't do a dinner then our son won't eat a proper dinner and I won't let that happen or he will just go down to his mam for dinner..which is brilliant on the days where I'm literally up to my eye balls with farming say when we have to mover cattle or have a cow calving..
But I know he would just land to his mams and that would feel terrible for me ...make me feel like a terrible wife!! I know old fashioned .

Your son is 13 I'm sure he knows how to make a sandwich or put a pizza in the oven.

Look either you say enough is enough or you keep on as you are. Are you going to be doing this when you're 40 weeks pregnant? It's not that far away, you don't have the luxury of waiting for your husband to cop himself on.

Glass fused light

Farmerstatia wrote: »

.
If I don't do a dinner then our son won't eat a proper dinner and I won't let that happen or he will just go down to his mam for dinner..which is brilliant on the days where I'm literally up to my eye balls with farming say when we have to mover cattle or have a cow calving..
But I know he would just land to his mams and that would feel terrible for me ...make me feel like a terrible wife!! I know old fashioned .

Sorry but if he toddles down to his mams rather than feeding preggers you and your son tell him he can stay there.

You are as much a problem as he is, if you are working late and he is home it should always have been his job to feed everyone.

Talk to his mam i'll bet that her job on the farm was always food first, while the men continued field working she went in cooking. He has not figured out that if you are doing the field work he is on kp duty

LaLa2004

Some of what you are doing is dangerous. All that lifting and slippery ground?

Put your foot down and do not do the evening shift. Let him do the stuff after 6 for a start BEFORE the bullocks go.

Your husband is having the life of Reilly.

How are you going to do all this with a baby? You will have sleepless nights, feeding, recovery after birth. What happens it it's a section & you are out of the picture for 6 weeks.

Perhaps when you bring your husband to your next hospital appointment you can ask for advice from the medics in front of him.

If anything happened to such a wanted baby before or after birth, how would you cope?

Perhaps there are some female farmers on boards who can give you advice on "maternity leave". Can you get in some outside help?

Mind yourself!!!

wildwillow

Agree with Listermint. Once the beef bullocks are gone consider not replacing them.

You are a pregnant woman, having gone through the ordeal of IVF, not to mind the expense. I would be so grateful for that success that I'd hardly lift a finger till baby arrives.

Being a wife, mother, farmer, mental health nurse, and housekeeper is just impossible. What happens when the baby arrives?

Your husband is also working full time and though he should be doing more at least for himself and his son, yours is a life style which cannot be sustained.

Either get help in the house or farm or cut the work.

whelan2

Glass fused light wrote: »

Sorry but if he toddles down to his mams rather than feeding preggers you and your son tell him he can stay there.

You are as much a problem as he is, if you are working late and he is home it should always have been his job to feed everyone.

Talk to his mam i'll bet that her job on the farm was always food first, while the men continued field working she went in cooking. He has not figured out that if you are doing the field work he is on kp duty

Surely there's stuff in the freezer that could be popped in the microwave. I'd be having words with his mother too. What age is he?

whelan2

LaLa2004 wrote: »

Some of what you are doing is dangerous. All that lifting and slippery ground?

Put your foot down and do not do the evening shift. Let him do the stuff after 6 for a start BEFORE the bullocks go.

Your husband is having the life of Reilly.

How are you going to do all this with a baby? You will have sleepless nights, feeding, recovery after birth. What happens it it's a section & you are out of the picture for 6 weeks.

Perhaps when you bring your husband to your next hospital appointment you can ask for advice from the medics in front of him.

If anything happened to such a wanted baby before or after birth, how would you cope?

Perhaps there are some female farmers on boards who can give you advice on "maternity leave". Can you get in some outside help?

Mind yourself!!!

I worked up to the day I had my kids. Had 3 sections. Back out working soon enough after each. Farming is not like any other job. There is no maternity leave as such

Glass fused light

whelan2 wrote: »

Surely there's stuff in the freezer that could be popped in the microwave. I'd be having words with his mother too. What age is he?

If there is nothing in the freezer he can find a shop and buy a fully prepped dinner, from european to Asian, and pick up the stuff for the freezer too.

judeboy101

Tell him if he doesn't buck up, he's out the door and you'll get kids and farm in the divorce.

LaLa2004

whelan2 wrote: »

I worked up to the day I had my kids. Had 3 sections. Back out working soon enough after each. Farming is not like any other job. There is no maternity leave as such

I'm from a farm myself. This woman is probably driving tractors and pulling / dragging stuff that a man would lift in a second.

Driving after a section is not on. I tried after 4 weeks -painful.

Regardless, you can't take a newborn out in the yard.