Husband not helping (rant)

Farmerstatia

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

whelan2

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

What about what You want. I was you. Only you can sort it out. Do you have a transport box or a loader that you could put the meal in to stop the lifting

iamwhoiam

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

Does your husband work outside the farm on a Sunday ? If not why is he not pulling his weight equally at weekends . ? Or at very least have a healthy breakfast on the table for you ?
And while you bring your son to the match is he doing the washing or tidying the kitchen ?

catrionanic

Bloody hell, this is awful. How can he sit there and watch you struggle and work every hour of the day while he has his feet up watching the telly?

My husband is pretty lazy around the house, but this takes the biscuit.

You say you’ve had this conversation several times with him and he doesn’t improve, so you need to change tactics. I would hit him where it hurts and just go on strike. Do your own washing and your sons, but leave his to sort himself. Same for ironing. Absolutely stop making his lunches and cups of tea. Tell him your day’s work finishes at x o’clock and head to bed, leaving him to do the farm after that time.

And if that still doesn’t work, turf him out. I’m serious. A short, sharp shock may be what he needs to make him realise that you really are serious about this and you can’t go on any longer. He thinks you’re just full of talk and that this can continue on. Sometimes the only way to get through to them is to show them what will happen if they don’t take you seriously.

BabysCoffee

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hey all.
So I'm now 29 weeks pregnant and sorry but I have to rant.!!!
Anyone else have a husband that is just not helping.??
I get up at 6 every morning get our son ready and out to school.
H gets up at 8.
I make his lunch for work and his cup a tea.
He goes to work and I go to our farm.
Feed all animals which is very physical..
I'm out on the farm till roughly 3 .
Back home try get the housework sorted cook dinner.
Son comes home I help do homework.
Back out to farm to feed again.
Back home at 6.
H comes home eats dinner and sits up watching TV or on his phone.
I bring son to matches or training . Back to farm for 8/9 to do night feed .
Sort out calves for bottles etc.
Go home and do studying with h cause he has exam in a month.
He goes to bed and I am up till after 12 doing work for him to study .
I don't sleep much and I'm back up at 6.
Not only all that through my day I'm also trying to get the house ready for baby so putting stuff in attic painting the house etc. I'm swamped with house work and washing. ..
H told me I'm different towards him lately and I let loose .
I'm doing more work on farm etc than before I got pregnant! !
Is it just me and hormones or wat is people's opinion ?? I feel like I'm losing my mind .
Is it too much to ask for a small hand??

Sorry for the long rant but I'm steaming here!!!

First thing that stuck out is that you make HIS lunch for him!

Is there some reason why you do this? Is he unable to make his own lunch?

Mooooo

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

If your husband wanted the farm he'd want to start farming it. Get him to do the evening jobs, no asking just tell him. Look at ways of investing to reduce the manual labour. Get feed bucket for.the tractor that will allow you to drive along the barrier and it will put the meal in front of the cattle.
One of two things will happen if it continues as is if he doesn't cop on, you or the farm will break and he will lose you or the farm or both.
For the future look at a change of system, get rid of the sucklers perhaps and buy in yearlings instead. Less minding in them and less risk and work than suck calves.
You need to sit down and talk to him, work out a system where he helps out and the farm is more manageable or it will have to go.
I wonder when he talks about the farm does he tell his buddies his pregnant wife is doing all the work, I doubt it very much.

BabysCoffee

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Does your husband work outside the farm on a Sunday ? If not why is he not pulling his weight equally at weekends . ? Or at very least have a healthy breakfast on the table for you ?
And while you bring your son to the match is he doing the washing or tidying the kitchen ?

Your husband should prepping all the dinners for the week ahead if he is not working. Making batches of food like lasagne and then freezing in portions.

He needs to be taught this as perhaps his mother never showed him.

Farmerstatia

Well I make his lunch cause I'm up all ready ...the other day I had hosp app for 9 in the morning so I had to leave at half six to get up there with traffic so I woke up my son and husband. ..son Made his own lunch that was grand and he went to school got bus and all...so I rang my h at say half 7 to be sure he was up !! Was still in bed which was fair enough cause fil was doing the farming for me that morning I had it arranged...so anyway went to hosp had to wait hours cause was getting anti d injection long story short I went and got lunch after and rang h. He had gone back to his mams for lunch cause he stayed in bed too long and didn't have time to make his own lunch! So he went back to his mam!
He was never like this before in regards to helping on farm...
If he not working or doesn't have course at the weekend he might come down the farm...might..
Depends on what has to be done down there on that particular day...the long weekend he was on the farm all weekend doing injections dosing moving animals and spreading fertiliser cause I can't do them by myself but say it's a normal feeding day he might or might not come to farm...
He might stay at home and rest and myself and our son who 13 will do the farming..
I relie heavily on our son to help me which I feel is terrible he shouldn't have to be on the farm constantly either

Pelvis

Sounds like your husband is a bit of a waster to be honest.

looksee

I think one of the problems is you are expecting him to 'help'. That implies that you are primarily responsible and he does a bit when he can/if he feels like it. Sort out some of the jobs that are 'his' to get done and you ignore them. Discuss this whole thing maybe starting with 'we need to make plans for the farm when I have the baby'. Yes, farmers don't have maternity leave, but you might have to, and you will certainly feel the need for it. And wean him off the tea and lunch making! 'Can you sort your lunch love, sorry I don't have time right now'.

If you have to employ people for the moment then do it. It sounds as though you need to rethink the kind of farming you are doing though, could you be doing something less intensive, even if its only for a few years. Whatever about not taking a baby down the yard, you will have even bigger problems when you are dealing with an active toddler.

whelan2

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Well I make his lunch cause I'm up all ready ...the other day I had hosp app for 9 in the morning so I had to leave at half six to get up there with traffic so I woke up my son and husband. ..son Made his own lunch that was grand and he went to school got bus and all...so I rang my h at say half 7 to be sure he was up !! Was still in bed which was fair enough cause fil was doing the farming for me that morning I had it arranged...so anyway went to hosp had to wait hours cause was getting anti d injection long story short I went and got lunch after and rang h. He had gone back to his mams for lunch cause he stayed in bed too long and didn't have time to make his own lunch! So he went back to his mam!
He was never like this before in regards to helping on farm...
If he not working or doesn't have course at the weekend he might come down the farm...might..
Depends on what has to be done down there on that particular day...the long weekend he was on the farm all weekend doing injections dosing moving animals and spreading fertiliser cause I can't do them by myself but say it's a normal feeding day he might or might not come to farm...
He might stay at home and rest and myself and our son who 13 will do the farming..
I relie heavily on our son to help me which I feel is terrible he shouldn't have to be on the farm constantly either

His family are worse for letting him watch you do the work. You are not his mother. What addition is he in your life at all? It's like another child. Actually a child wouldn't carry on like that. He sounds like a waster.

heldel00

I really feel your pain. Our second is 4 months old and my husband is absolutely useless this time round. He helps a bit at weekends but nothing like when we had our first child.
He drives a lot for his job and i know this is tiring but so is fecking being up with a baby at 5am.
I've also had a paralysed shoulder since baby was born, and am on a lot of medication, so everything is twice as hard. He's that busy tittering and giggling at shíte on his phone that he doesn't see what needs to be done.
He can't cope when i cry so i turned on the waterworks big time during the week. I'll be back to work in September and i swear to God he won't know what has hit him.
No advice for you really except get a cleaner for two hours a week. You won't regret it. I'd go without food quicker than be without her!

iamwhoiam

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

So he wanted his own farm and now he sits back while his pregnant wife works it and keeps it going ? I have to say I am stunned reading this in 2018 .I am retired now and of an older generation and we would not have even entertained his behavour .? All of my circle of friends and family worked and the men chipped in and shared the load. I worked weekend nights and my husband would take three kids out with a picnic packed( which he made ) so I got some sleep . Its a partnership and your husband is the adult partner and not a child .Treat him like a partner and let him follow suit and learn that he is an adult and not a little boy anymore

tea and coffee

You say it's his family farm which he wants to keep. But he's not working the farm, you are. So he clearly doesn't want to hang on to it that much if he works a different job. It's not your legacy. Tell him if he loves it so much he needs to do the work for it. He might not feel so sentimental about it when he actually has to do the work.

jackboy

What is the plan when the baby is born? You will have much less time for the farm and everything else. I recommend to scale back the farm, sell alot of the livestock.
Your husband will never be better. People almost never change. So, it's down to you to improve things.

Farmerstatia

We can't afford to employ anyone to help at the moment as last year Nd this year have been very tough years financially starting our own herd and ivf expenses and wedding etc ....
So we trying to sort all the farm as we go cause the farm entitlement etc are true yet..

Saying that my father in law does try help as much as possible on farm same with son.

Flippyfloppy

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

Sorry for being blunt, but you need to stop doing this, it's not good for your pregnancy, bottom line.

Why does your husband want his own farm? Actions speak louder than words, he's not really bothered about the farm now that he has it is he?

iamwhoiam

Farmerstatia wrote: »

We can't afford to employ anyone to help at the moment as last year Nd this year have been very tough years financially starting our own herd and ivf expenses and wedding etc ....
So we trying to sort all the farm as we go cause the farm entitlement etc are true yet..

Saying that my father in law does try help as much as possible on farm same with son.

" I have to go out to feed the calves , are you coming to help or will you stay and do the washing and the dinner "

" Son is going to the match in an hour , will you bring him or will you go out the check the fences and feed the animals and I can bring him "

" I am busy with the farm this evening so you can make yours and sons lunch and clean the bathroom .Or would you prefer to swap jobs ? "

" The dinner needs preparing for tomorrow so I can tend to the farm so can you get the veg cut and the in a sealed box now "

This is how you speak to a partner and make him cop on to his role and take ownership of his responsibilities

_Brian

Is your husband from a farming background ??

Most non farming folk have no idea what needs to happen on a farm to make it run. They think grass grows, animals eat grass and so animals grow big and are worth some fantastic sum of money with no cost on producing them.

I know it’s treating him like a kid but maybe rather than asking him to “help out more” give him specific tasks he must do and I’d make sure some of those are the heavier farm tasks considering your condition and when No2 comes along you’ll be more focused there.

Be cognisant not to rear your son to be his father in these regards. Teach him to use the washing machine, cook a dinner, make bread, run the farm, understand that running a house is 50:50. Our 9YO can make bread, hoover, tends to the chickens, make a pot of tea when we have visitors and mix milk to feed calves, but she is a girl after all

James 007

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I am driving the tractor and quad and that I was fencing two different fields about three ago!
I feed all the nuts which is 25 pounds per bucket and in the day I lift 13 buckets full..I feed milk to suck calfs.
Right now I've got some of the feeding done and I'm on my way to a match with my son haven had breakfast.
My breakfast is a banana and two plums on the way and a cup a tea!!
Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.
Just at mo it's very tough trying to do all

Fair play to you. I have an aunt that has done this for years, not because of a lazy husband, her husband died young. She was a workhorse on the farm, fine farm too, she worked it for years on her own. She now has a stooped back and can barely walk but wasnt it all worth it?

Her daughter in law moved in, is teaching and my aunts son is left with the farm. They go off on holidays and sometimes they dont even tell my aunt. Long story short look after your own health, life is short, but bare in mind once you get older alot of little niggling injuries will come back to haunt you.

loalae

He''s acting like he's a child in the home and you're facilitating it by treating him like that. He''s taking advantage and you're an enabling him.

He's a grown man who should be able to:
wash clothes
make food
wake himself up on the morning
have some empathy for his pregnant
wife
manage a working day and some chores in the evening.

You are doing too much and you're going to burn out. He is not going to help you unless you stop running after him like you're his mother or carer. Treat like like an adult and he'll be forced to act like one.

Glass fused light

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Would never stop the farming as it is a family generation farm and my husband always wanted his own farm.

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Saying that my father in law does try help as much as possible on farm same with son.

If its a generational thing what does your son want to do in life? He is 13 and working on the farm. There is no harm in this. But is he getting paid as a farm hand or is it been seen as handing down the farm? Be careful as its not fair to lock his future into other peoples dreams.

Have you and your husband discussed the farm and growing old? Most of the work you are having problems with will be the same in old age. With the added problem that you are aware of the danger to the baby now but won't want to acknowledge the risks from ageing.

Your husband is working off the farm and at the moment has no interest in farming. If it's not something which you have a passion for, perhaps now is the time that you both have a conversation and think about calling it a day, and you take the time to follow a different path in life?

Your husband still needs to co-parent and co-partner and you need to step back to allow it to happen.

Inviere

loalae wrote: »

He''s acting like he's a child in the home and you're facilitating it by treating him like that. He''s taking advantage and you're an enabling him.

He's a grown man who should be able to:
wash clothes
make food
wake himself up on the morning
have some empathy for his pregnant
wife
manage a working day and some chores in the evening.

You are doing too much and you're going to burn out. He is not going to help you unless you stop running after him like you're his mother or carer. Treat like like an adult and he'll be forced to act like one.

No matter what else is said, whether this thread goes on for ten more posts, or a thousand...the above hits the nail on the head. This sounds less so like a pregnancy issue, and more a relationship problem.

groovyg

So am I right in saying the husband wants to own a farm but doesn’t want to work on it? If he is working in a full time job that is not farm related then I can see why he is not bothered in actual farming. I grew up on a farm and Ive no interest in farming. It’s a labour of love and you have to really love the work to do it full time.

Teyla Emmagan

You need to sit down with your husband and talk about selling the farm. Even if you don't intend to sell it, it might frighten some cop on into him. Tell him you just can't do it any more. And you should not be carrying all that weight etc when pregnant. It's your husband's farm. If he wants it he needs to work it. Not leave it to his Dad, and his 13 year old son and his pregnant wife!!! The whole situation is ridiculous.

And what are you at helping him study and staying up till all hours preparing exams questions or whatever you are doing. If he wants that exam he should be doing all that himself. This seems to be the theme, he wants something and you (or his Mammy) do the work to make it happen for him. Your husband is a child and your child is doing his father's work. That's totally unfair and you are the worse eejit for allowing it to happen. I get that you love the farm but it won't be much use if it is the death of you. Your husband gets up at 8am and sits on his ass all evening. He doesn't even do his own washing or make his own meals! The whole situation is a joke.

bee06

I’m actually so angry for you reading this. I can’t believe any partner would put his pregnant wife under so much physical and mental stress. And you keep making excuses for him so you’re enabling his behaviour. His father would want to have some strong words with him but you need to communicate properly with him to start with.

juneg

There's only one solution.
"Hurt " your back ( pregnancy related) and take to the bed for the remainder of your pregnancy.

That will be the kick up the arse your husband needs. He needs to cope himself and you are enabling his laziness.

And another thing, when he sits down on the couch at night, sit with him. Go to bed at he same time as him. TAKE the same amount of leisure time that he does.

If you act like a doormat you'll be walked on.

snotboogie

groovyg wrote: »

So am I right in saying the husband wants to own a farm but doesn’t want to work on it? If he is working in a full time job that is not farm related then I can see why he is not bothered in actual farming. I grew up on a farm and Ive no interest in farming. It’s a labour of love and you have to really love the work to do it full time.

She explicitly said that she wants to own and work on a farm and her actions back this up. She also said her husband wants a farm but he has another (profitable) day job and shows no interest in farming at all. Two sides to every story, I find it hard to believe he was the driving force behind taking on the farm.

shesty

Op you are crazy.
You make his lunch.
You make his cup of tea
You make his dinner.
You wash his clothes.
You bring son to training
You help son with exam study.
You help OH with exam.study.
You sit up til after midnight preparing work for them for THEIR exams.

My response here is...
Stop making his lunch and his tea.Let him do it.
His responsibility is now to bring son to training etc.
Let son study for his own exams.
Let hubby study by himself.If he wants help he can ask, but outside of that, you are not available.
Go to bed at 10pm and leave the study prep.It's not your work to do.

I have nothing but sympathy for you but you are bringing a huge amount of this on yourself.OH and son are grown, capable men.They can feed themselves, and take responsibility for their own education.H can do training runs, it's a minimal ask for him.I am not saying stop making dinner or what because I am assuming you are doing that for yourself too anyway.

I work full time and have just have a third baby....I would physically have landed myself in hospital around 20 weeks if I was doing the type of physical farm work you describe, never mind all the other stuff around it.My body would have just broken.And (as I sit here with a four day old and two small.kids), I'd love to know what's going to happen once the baby comes.You will not be physically in a fit stste to do all that work for several weeks.So....who is going to take over?

You are right to be annoyed but equally, stop being your own worst enemy.

facehugger99

It's no good complaining about it when you're the one enabling his behaviour.