Friends abandoned me when life got great ! 40 year olds

Lostphrophet

punisher5112 wrote: »

I think by the way your talking here you are sort of going on like oh look I after getting a new house and place in Spain....


I would guess it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.

I would say cool it for a while and stop going on about the money and the new gaff etc....

I don't know how you went about telling them but they may feel really down about their money problems and so on.

Also i kept holiday home quiet until last week. Was to morto to mention that

Colser

Lostphrophet wrote: »

Yeah was guessin that. Ill delete their numbers as im only short of offering them hard cash to associate with me lol. Shocking after 25 years that a few quid would do thar

My guess is that they'll try to worm their way back once they see you've given up trying to share your windfall with them,don't bother with them would be my advice . They sound like 2 begrudging overgrown children.It's a hard lesson to learn op and very hurtful but it's a reflection on them not you.Enjoy your windfall .

Airyfairy12

Thats very strange. Where they maybe expecting you to give them some of the money? Since youve known them so long an all? I wouldnt keep messaging them as theyve made themselves clear. The only other option is to maybe ask them? Like could you send a whatsapp message to the group explaining how you feel and ask them what the problem is or what happened?

I had a bad couple of years through the recession too, no job, living with an abusive partner and couldnt afford to move out, family issues, mental health problems, broke af and living in what can only be described as an absolute hole of a house. One friend that was there for me messaged me everyday, let me rant to her, was pretty much my only support. Her parents funded her lifestyle, bought her a car, paid her insurance and driving lessons, signed their other house over to her while they continue to pay the mortgage, paid her masters, money for trips abroad, if she needed a job her dad would ring up one of his friends who owned a busines.. she never had to struggle for anything. All the while I couldnt afford bread and the souls of my one pair of shoes were literally falling off.
We met in college, had done the same degree and were applying for the similar jobs. After a couple of tries she wasnt getting anything and was beginning to get frustrated. I had been applying to jobs for 2 years and never had so much as an interview. I finally got something, after 2 years.. I messaged her to tell her the good news and she lashed out at me. Told me that I had it easy and was really begrudging about me getting a job she would have wanted. I barely hear from her anymore. Another friend stopped talking to me when things went right and tried with everything in her to belittle my achievements.

Sorry for the rant but I just think begrudgery and jealousy are so common. People love hearing about things going wrong for other people because it makes them feel better about their own lives. Its not personal though, I think its just a reflection of the other persons insecurities and I think thats a bit sad really. Enjoy your money and dont worry about them.

Lostphrophet

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

<Snip> Don't repost entire post.

Hi fairy. Its a similar story to yours from initial hearing of my good fortune i noticed scilence and a change. I immediatly felt coldness and down played my luck. When i bidded on house i was told not to bother as out of my reach. When sale agreed i was met with a thumbs up emoji after being asked if my bid was succesful scilence after. Lol i even installed a bar thinkin the three amigos as were known would be partying lol. How wrong i was
Plus the initial night i told them i paid for all drinks meals and cabs home. Not boasting just being a mate that came on good times

December2012

From what you say the dynamic in your relationshio changed when you came into your windfall

Some people find that an adjustment

If they are your true friends then they are worth you making an effort.

While they didn't have money they still had pride in their life. It might have been in your excitement of your good fortune you may have seemed negative of the past. It's different moaning about something when you're in it than out of it

Go to the local with them there. Call in to them.

Do things that you used to do together
Talk with them. If necessary ask them

Airyfairy12

Lostphrophet wrote: »

Hi fairy. Its a similar story to yours from initial hearing of my good fortune i noticed scilence and a change. I immediatly felt coldness and down played my luck. When i bidded on house i was told not to bother as out of my reach. When sale agreed i was met with a thumbs up emoji after being asked if my bid was succesful scilence after. Lol i even installed a bar thinkin the three amigos as were known would be partying lol. How wrong i was
Plus the initial night i told them i paid for all drinks meals and cabs home. Not boasting just being a mate that came on good times

Yeah I got the nitpicking too. If your friends cant be happy for you, they're not really your friends and its their loss. Have you other mates you can focus on? TBH id send the two ex mates a message on whatsapp saying how you feel and leave it that.

Lostphrophet

December2012 wrote: »

From what you say the dynamic in your relationshio changed when you came into your windfall

Some people find that an adjustment

If they are your true friends then they are worth you making an effort.

While they didn't have money they still had pride in their life. It might have been in your excitement of your good fortune you may have seemed negative of the past. It's different moaning about something when you're in it than out of it

Go to the local with them there. Call in to them.

Do things that you used to do together
Talk with them. If necessary ask them

Dynamics yes... i went from probably worst off financially to being fairly carefree. Spent it all now thou lol.
To be honest i would never rub anyones nose in it my life is far from perfect. I have made contact every few weeks. Heads up ... few scoops... any sca..... all met with 1 line responses.

Lostphrophet

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Yeah I got the nitpicking too. If your friends cant be happy for you, they're not really your friends and its their loss. Have you other mates you can focus on? TBH id send the two ex mates a message on whatsapp saying how you feel and leave it that.

Ill leave it ive sent fb watsapp text sms. All met with excuses. Im in your area ... oh im not about..... when you free next for a coffee mate .... not sure...mad busy....

December2012

Thing is this was yoir good news and it only affects you no matter how close you are to yoir friends

E.g. I did exams recently. I got a similar smiley face text from my closest friends didn't get good luck ones or questions about how I was getting on and we've a few years on you lot.

I don't take it personally because it does not matter.

Did any of them ask you to instal a bar? Or ask to go to your holiday home?

Or did you make that decision yourself and are getting hurt over them refusing something that was never on the radar?

Look at the way you express your feelings - abandoned Did they go any where? Did they change? From what you say the change came from you

Why aren't you in the local?

Lostphrophet

December2012 wrote: »

Thing is this was yoir good news and it only affects you no matter how close you are to yoir friends

E.g. I did exams recently. I got a similar smiley

Did any of them ask you to instal a bar? Or ask to go to your holiday home?

Nope never mentoned bar and didnt mention holiday home till recently

Or did you make that decision yourself and are getting hurt over them refusing something that was never on the radar?

Hmmm

bee06

Playing devils advocate maybe they feel uncomfortable that you keep trying to pay for everything? All expenses paid trip to NY is a bit over the top in my opinion. Maybe a lot of people would love someone to splash the cash on them but it would make me feel very uncomfortable.

And am I right in thinking that they haven’t spoken to you properly in months but you are still telling them about the stuff you are buying eg the holiday home.

Addle

bee06 wrote: »

<Snip>

And had they any sort of link to the deceased who left you so much?

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, I kinda have to agree in the relationship dynamic you're the one who changed. Now, obviously you changed because you came into what seems like a hefty sum if you were able to buy all that you did. But it seems, from your telling of it, that your 25 year friendship became about what you were going to pay for, and what you were going to buy. It's a really difficult one to balance right, because you often hear stories of people who come into money and their "friends" bleed them dry or they themselves squander it.

You were happy to share it with them, but maybe in your enthusiasm to share, they felt you were 'buying' them, or something. As a proud, independent (not loaded) 40 year old, I would be really uncomfortable with a friend offering me all these all expenses paid nights out, or holidays. Going out one night and celebrating the windfall is one thing. Being offered holidays/nights out/taxis etc would make me feel a bit uncomfortable. Like I said, it's a very difficult one to balance, because you genuinely wanted to share your good fortune (if that's what you can call an inheritance!), but they might have felt uncomfortable with your constant offers.

There could be a bit of begrudgery going on, but there could also be a bit of 'Jeez, he turned into an awful knob after he got that money'.

If neither of them drive, and your sister sees them in the local then you know where to find them. Maybe go for a spin some evening and join them. And don't mention the money, what you bought, or where it's all gone now. They were your friends before you ever had money so that's not what defined you to them. But it then seems to have become the focus of your relationship with them.

Big Bag of Chips

Lostphrophet wrote: »

Ill delete their numbers as im only short of offering them hard cash to associate with me lol. Shocking after 25 years that a few quid would do thar

That could be the problem. They don't want your hard cash. You have made the friendship about money not them. If they haven't spoken to you properly since Christmas how did you end up only last week telling them about the holiday home and offering all expenses paid holidays if the money is now gone? It seems like you have become a "try hard", and in over 25 years of friendship that was never an issue.

You're finding out that you need them more than they need you (or your money). They are continuing on their lives and friendship as they always have. You're the one up a few quid but down 2 lifelong friends.

Colser

Lostphrophet wrote: »

Hi fairy. Its a similar story to yours from initial hearing of my good fortune i noticed scilence and a change. I immediatly felt coldness and down played my luck. When i bidded on house i was told not to bother as out of my reach. When sale agreed i was met with a thumbs up emoji after being asked if my bid was succesful scilence after. Lol i even installed a bar thinkin the three amigos as were known would be partying lol. How wrong i was
Plus the initial night i told them i paid for all drinks meals and cabs home. Not boasting just being a mate that came on good times

I'd say f*** them after that tbh,when you've been friends with people that long they should have called you out on it if they felt you were in any way rubbing it in their faces (the opposite sounds to be the case),they sound totally jealous,I wouldn't spend another penny on them.

I had something very similar after a promotion recently ,not my best friends but colleagues that I would be friendly with,it was an eyeopener and I still get sly jibes/digs regularly ,it's hurtful but I didn't promote myself anymore than you gave yourself the money so it's ridiculous for friends to react like that..I definitely wouldn't contact them again if I were you .

LoMismo

Hunky Monster wrote: »

Irish begrugery and jealousy.

Nothing to do with being Irish thank you very much. His friends could be not very nice people. As could the OP.

beertons

Keep your hands in your pockets and stop trying to pay for everything. Say no more about your place in Spain. Mention it too often and people thing you're gloating.

Ursus Horribilis

Do any of your friends have their own houses?

suicide_circus

I would say the some of money involved was life changing. You were able to buy one or possibly two "pretty awesome" properties outright as well as pay for holidays away for people. On top of that for one reason or another it's triggered you losing your two best friends. Looks like those friendships were sustained by your shared adversity which has now gone.

Ursus Horribilis

suicide_circus wrote: »

I would say the some of money involved was life changing. You were able to buy one or possibly two "pretty awesome" properties outright as well as pay for holidays away for people. On top of that for one reason or another it's triggered you losing your two best friends. Looks like those friendships were sustained by your shared adversity which has now gone.

I think this is it in a nutshell. The three of you were the exception rather than the norm - three forty year old single guys with no kids. I asked the question about what the other two guys' situations were regarding their houses because I think that's a big thing as well. If they have their own places, chances are money is tight and there are months when payday can't come quickly enough. If they've never bought, they're probably as concerned as everyone else about what's going to happen to them in the long term. Then to suddenly have you swanning around with your own mortgage-free place, sports cars, holidays etc. That's bound to sting.

With the best will in the world, most people are going to feel a bit jealous if they're struggling a bit and they see someone they know having these nice things handed to them. It's human nature. It doesn't matter if your sports cars are old or worthless. The thing is, you've got them and they're a bit flash.

skallywag

LoMismo wrote: »

Nothing to do with being Irish thank you very much. His friends could be not very nice people. As could the OP.

Dunno, I reckon Paddy does the begrugery thing pretty well.

Reminds me of the story of Paddy and his American pal walking home from the pub when they spot a nice house up an a hill. 'I'll have that someday' says the American. To which Paddy responds 'I'll have your man someday'.

LoMismo

skallywag wrote: »

Dunno, I reckon Paddy does the begrugery thing pretty well.

Reminds me of the story of Paddy and his American pal walking home from the pub when they spot a nice house up an a hill. 'I'll have that someday' says the American. To which Paddy responds 'I'll have your man someday'.

Yeah I think it was bono who said that because everyone thinks he’s a twat. Which he is. My mates Ma just bought him a house outright because they are rich and I’m delighted for him. Jealousy isn’t an exclusively Irish thing.

Johnnyhpipe

Do they feel they should have been entitled to some of it perhaps?

ManOfMystery

Your mates are behaving dreadfully. 

You sound like you haven't been boastful about it, you've even offered them free use of a holiday home and so on, and they're still cutting you out for no good reason.

IMO the relationship dynamic has changed since your fortunes changed, and whilst a lot of people would be ok with that and simply adapt, others will let things like jealousy or an inherent bitterness towards 'the wealthy' get the better of them. 

For what it's worth, a family friend of ours went through a few hard yrs recently with various personal and professional problems, most of a serious nature. All very stressful. He made it through though, and last yr ended up coming into an extremely large sum of money completely unexpectedly, and only down to good luck. It's large enough that he could give up working for the rest of his days if he wanted. 

All of us are delighted for him. No-one's been trying to sponge off him, but equally no-one is giving him the cold shoulder. He's offered to buy things here and there for us (all offers which were gratefully declined) but been told in no uncertain terms to look after his money as he deserves it after all he's been through. That's how friends should behave.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Cutie 3.14

Can nobody see that this is a troll!?

dixiefly

The OP had me until the (2) sports cars....

Cutie 3.14

I know, started off small(!?) with a new house and then suddenly there were two sports cars, a holiday home and a bar installed in the new house!

wylo

Assuming its not a troll, it feels like there's something not being said by the OP in the thread.

People keep shouting begrudgery but we're not as bad as we would lead ourselves to believe in that area imo.

It sounds like you had to have come into at least half million the way you're talking. And by your own admission this wasnt earned but was through luck.

So it was either the lotto, inheritance, a claim, or something ye were all involved in but they didnt benefit from. If it was one of the last two things then I can see why they might avoid you.

wylo

wylo wrote: »

Assuming its not a troll, it feels like there's something not being said by the OP in the thread.

People keep shouting begrudgery but we're not as bad as we would lead ourselves to believe in that area imo.

It sounds like you had to have come into at least half million the way you're talking. And by your own admission this wasnt earned but was through luck.

So it was either the lotto, inheritance, a claim, or something ye were all involved in but they didnt benefit from. If it was one of the last two things then I can see why they might avoid you.

He said it was inheritance.